Original subtitles

Kids, come on! You're gonna be late for school!

Morning, Steph!

What a night!

Went to sleep a boy and woke up a man!

James, it is too early in the morning for whatever this is.

Time to have me a man breakfast.

I'm just gonna grab me a cereal bowl off of this high shelf.

up there, would you grab me a glass?

Stephanie, I got my first armpit hair.

Check it. My days of drawing the men are over.

Aw, it's so cute.

It's not cute.

It's burly. It's manly.

Ooh, fruity tootios.

I hope it goes with stickers.

Okay, James, let me see it again.

No, you laughed.

Oh, I laughed because when I sneezed,

that girl so long?

I don't know. Maybe she overslept.

Or maybe she got handcuffed to a mannequin.

I'm gonna turn you inside out. What were you thinking?

I was thinking, what if I did a girl who put whipped cream in my sneakers?

Next time, don't steal my dessert, fool.

Now unlock me.

I need both hands to get a good grip on your neck.

I would, but the key went out the window when I threw it.

You two do nothing but fight, and I am sick of playing referee.

So work it out. Or don't. I don't care, but right now, get in the car, because

I'm leaving for school.

I'm handcuffed to a dummy. So is that thing. You don't hear a complaint.

against the company that makes this raincoat.

Apparently, the seams come apart and people get wet.

This is why they shouldn't let crazy people on the Internet.

And just for that, when I get my hands on my chunk of that $57 million,

you're not getting invited to my private island.

I realize this involves you moving. By all means, get rich quick.

Well, not as quick as you think. I've been trying for hours to rip this

thing.

Why don't you just cut it?

Because in order to get the money, it has to rip from natural causes.

And so I need a natural cause.

Where is your sleeve?

I don't know.

It was there at lunch.

Touching!

Here, go be you in this.

Give it back! Give it back!

Hey, hey, hey, what is going on here?

You didn't punish James for the dress, dummy, so I'm taking the law into my own

hands. That's my new game, Death Blitz 7. I haven't even played it yet, and

she's gonna...

You're totally cool with that? I told you, I am not playing referee.

It's between the two of you. Just do me a favor and sweep up the pieces

afterward.

Revenge with no repercussions?

Then let the game begin. I mean, end.

Do something! You're a grown -up lady. That's what you're for.

You're a grown -up, too.

You got a hair.

you and your sister will be able to find common ground without me getting in the

middle.

I'm gonna get you back so good you'll be sorry I was ever born. I'm already

sorry you were ever born.

There you go.

Common ground.

Hey, these sheets are really soft.

New fabric softener.

Nice choice.

By the way, you're ruining my children.

Charlie, Gabby and James won't stop fighting, and I can't take it anymore.

I'm out of it. You're a parent. You don't get to be out of it. We're like

guardrails that keep them from going over a cliff.

Well, that's the problem. They know the guardrails are there.

I say remove them. They'll see the edge, get scared, and steer themselves back

onto the road.

You really believe that?

You really believe that?

I'm the one who's home with him all day while you're off doing who knows what.

Surgery. The word is surgery.

I know what you do, Charlie.

And I'm doing this.

And I need you to support me.

Fine.

We'll try it your way.

Thank you.

But if they don't work it out, I got plenty on James.

It's a powerful shredder known to man.

It's what the CIA uses when they don't want the FBI all up in their business.

I got $10 off because I had a coupon.

What do you need it for?

Allow me to demonstrate its awesome and destructive power.

I know you don't need this magazine about beauty tips. It's a lost cause.

reading myself you know they say you shouldn't judge a book by its cover and

think they are right that's my diary no that's the cover

of your diary this is your diary you wouldn't dare i'll start with chapter

want to marry big time rush big time

because I'm about to make you know your NMO thoughts.

What's going on?

What is that thing?

Behold, the TF -7000, the most powerful shredder.

He's going to shred my diary. He read it, too.

Really? What'd she say about me?

It was a rough start, but you grew on her.

James, put those pages down.

Charlie.

Or, you know, Do whatever you want.

Dad, you can't be serious. Those pages are irreplaceable.

It's her diary.

Nope. No guardrails.

Do your worst.

For real?

Huh.

You know what?

I'm better than this.

Here you go, Gabby.

Oh, and by the way, that thing on page 27, you shouldn't be worried. It's not

that common.

Okay, this one's all the money.

One, two, pull.

Hey, Aaron, time to get ready for school. Oh, school.

That means more kids.

Don't forget to wear your coat.

Baby, I don't need to go to school if I'm getting a third of $57 million.

is a third of 57.

Maybe I need to go to school.

While you're there, figure out why you think you're getting part of my money.

Is there coffee?

Yeah, I'll get you a cup. Would you like some no kids fighting with them?

Perhaps a packet of I told you so?

Black's fine.

Are you sure you don't want me to stir in some guardrails? Oh yeah, we just

found out we don't need them.

I'm thrilled you were right.

What I wasn't thrilled with was you waking me up to brag about it at four in

morning, which is why I need the coffee.

Would you like some guardrails? Oh, right.

I already did that one.

Good morning, family.

James, we just want to say how proud we are that you worked things out with your

sister. You guys are totally right. Shredding her diary would have been a

mistake.

Ooh, can I get in on that fruit?

Yeah, cut you up an apple.

Wait, I had one right here.

Sorry about that. I got hungry.

What are you doing down there? It's dangerous upstairs with Gabby and James.

It's early in the morning. I'm sure it'll be fine. Why don't you go upstairs

get ready for school?

Okay.

This has gone too far.

No. It's working.

I've got the kids right where I want them. Where?

Sleeping next to a crockpot?

Dad, I need your help. You're an expert on hair loss.

Ouch. But continue.

Please tell me that when one hair falls out, two grow back in its place.

If that were true, I'd still have my dreads.

Or should I say, boy, because you ain't got no hair.

You took my hair. I didn't, but the hair removal cream I put on your deodorant

stick sure did.

I knew I felt burning. I thought that was the sensation of more growing in.

Oh, trust me, with the amount I use, it'll never grow back in.

But don't worry, I took a picture of your little pitiful hair while you were

sleeping, just in case you wanted to do some kind of memorial.

The only memorial's gonna be for this fool!

You're not OK with this.

I feel like a donut.

I'm going to go out and buy a dozen, maybe even an extra bear claw.

Can I make a down payment on my island?

I played kickball and I climbed up a tree in it. Fell out of a tree in it.

Good times.

Not a scratch on it.

I know. I love this thing.

That's a bold statement for their master.

with some lotion.

I need some ice. Health tip, don't sit on a hot metal bench when you're in

shorts.

Hey, Steph, can you grab me some ice?

Yeah, sure.

Ah!

Did you put that frog in here?

I knew Gabby was up to something. She said there was a new flavor of

Well, get rid of it. Way ahead of you. I know just who's bra to put this in.

I don't care what you do to each other, but can you keep it out of my kitchen?

I hear you, Steph.

But in the interest of full disclosure, don't open any cabinet.

Our drawers.

You must have heard me pounding on the door. Why didn't you help me?

I don't open doors anymore.

It's not safe.

Why are you wearing oven mitts?

There was a post -it that said, pie in oven, careful, it's hot.

Let me get glue in the oven mitt. Yeah.

And worse, there wasn't even any pie.

Charlie, this whole family's gone over the cliff.

How could you take away the guardrail?

Answer me. Oh, I'm answering you.

You just can't tell because I'm wearing oven mitt.

How is this my fault?

James put Gabby's phone down at the disposal.

You were supposed to do something. Wait a minute.

You told me not to do anything.

But you weren't supposed to listen.

You were my guardrail, Charlie. That's how I can do all of these parenting

things. Because when I'm really about to go over the cliff, you always stop me.

You were so sure of yourself, I didn't have any choice.

I was wrong, Charlie.

You were right.

You've got to put those guardrails back.

I was right, huh?

You know, a lesser man would wake up at four in the morning to rub your nose in

it. But I can't wait that long.

I'm getting up at 3 .30.

Okay. But you're going to have a hard time setting the alarm with those oven

mitts on.

Good point.

Help me get these things off. I think we're going to need a nail polish

Don't use it all. I blew through this book!

I'm here to make a pickup for the donation army. There should be a video

system, a bed, and a complete wardrobe of clothes for a 12 -year -old boy.

You got a call from a Gabby Phillip?

That's right. She said her son James in too much trouble has been sent to some

sort of home for worthless boys.

Well, never mind then. My mother Gabby is insane and has been sent to some sort

of home for the incurably ugly.

But thanks for stopping by.

Woo -hoo!

Clocking out early.

Dang, Gabby is stepping up her game.

Can't wait until she steps on this.

Cooking oil.

isn't just for cooking anymore.

Oh, Gabby, there's a package for you out on

the porch.

Who cares? What did you do to my research paper?

I might have rewritten some of the all of it.

This research paper is due tomorrow, and it's important. I need a good grade to

get into honors history.

Did you change every single sentence?

Yep, it took me all afternoon.

original version.

Jay -Z? Was that the Alamo?

George Washington's mother named him after the bridge.

I spent a month researching this paper. I'm gonna fail. Well, if I hadn't chased

that charity guy away, I wouldn't even have the bed to sleep in anymore.

Jealous you didn't think of it first?

Yeah.

Actually.

Really?

Thank you.

That means a lot coming from the master.

We both kind of rocked at this.

Yeah. That paper thing?

Pretty slick.

Thanks. Speaking of slick, don't go out on the porch.

Thorwax? Cooking oil. Nice.

So, what, are we just going to keep this up until one of us does the other one

in? I suppose we could stop.

It's just I always want to fight with you.

I know what you mean. Why is that? Because you're awful.

Or maybe because we're stuck.

And no matter how much we wish we didn't have each other, we always will.

I guess that's not the worst thing.

By the way, I might have printed out a copy of your research paper before I

deleted it. I was going to give it to you after you failed.

Tell you what.

Let's think of three things we really like about each other, but not say them

out loud because we know we use them against each other.

Deal. Okay.

All right.

Everybody put down your weapon.

Family meeting.

Dad, it's not necessary.

Oh, yeah, it is. I know I said we were staying out of it, but here's us jumping

back in.

You are going to replace, repair, or defuse every single thing you messed

in this house. And you're both grounded for eternity.

But, Dad.

Oh, but... No buts.

What was that?

Are

you okay?

I think so.

Did I say hi -hi -hi?

How many fingers am I holding up?

Before...

that one off.

Back up off me, fool. I'm fine.

I just ripped my coat.

Mother, you tore your coat.

At least something good happened today.

Not even.

I found out that there's so many people in that lawsuit, each one of them stands

to make only nine dollars.

Then what are you doing throwing yourself against our front door?

I wasn't. There's some...

Why are you slick out there on your front porch?

Gabby! James!

My bad.

Shame on the both of you.

I hope you two have learned your lesson.

What you did was very dangerous.

I could have been seriously... Hi, hi, hi!

Okay, I replaced your toothpaste so it's safe to brush.

What did you put in it?

Garlic paste.

Oh, that's good.

And you can open your soft drawer. I took the crickets out.

Oh, that's what that sound was.

You know, I find it kind of soothing. You still have them? No, I use them to

lure that lizard out of your bed.

Hmm. Well, I made some calls, and I changed your legal name back to Gabby

Phillips. What was it?

Flabby Full Hips.

Whatever.

That's it for me.

And I'm out, too.

Everything back to normal.

Hey, guys.

Because I didn't. No.

Aaron, what's that about?

Huh?

Oh. When did that happen?