Original subtitles

Hey, baby, guess what I scored from a grateful patient? A nice bottle of

champagne. Did somebody say champagne?

Oh, Florida bus 1995.

This is a $700 bottle of champagne.

You better pop that sucker open. Don't bottle dirty in a glass.

If it's that nice of a bottle, maybe we should save it for a special occasion.

Your loving mother is here.

What could be more of an occasion?

Her loving mother not here?

Charlie Phillips, that hurt my heart, and nothing will mend it like that

of champagne. Thank you. No, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, no.

We are saving this for when Ed Netter has a huge boat in our backyard.

That's awfully specific.

No, no, no, seriously.

He's got a big boat parked out there.

Hallelujah!

Crack that baby open, I get the first sip.

Why is there a boat in my yard?

How cool is this?

See, Dad?

Bushy bells do work, and you say I was just throwing money away.

I just bought a boat for a penny.

Ahoy, neighbors!

You may look.

At the S .S. Man Cave, but do not touch.

Excuse me?

Part of that hunk of junk is in our yard.

Part of it isn't.

Idiot, that boat is only sticking out onto our property a little.

Where's my phone? I'm going to call the Coast Guard.

Really? The Coast Guard?

You don't know.

They might have a backyard unit.

What's up with Dad?

Take a look out there.

Wow, that is quite the sight. I know, right? That boat is practically in our

kitchen. Who's looking at a boat? I'm looking at that gorgeous Kyle Ebnetter.

When did he get home from college?

And when did he grow muscles?

Ooh, I need lip gloss.

So you're not going to help me with my homework?

Listen to you. I asked you to help take out the trash, and you didn't. That's

because I asked you to help me fix my bicycle, and you said take a hike, which

ended up doing.

That's because the day before that, I asked if I could borrow your

and you were like, I don't think that's legal.

All right, all right, enough.

You boys are always going on about who did what for who.

You don't help people just to get something back. You do it because a good

is its own reward. If you see somebody who needs help, you just help them.

Wow. Look at Mr. Ed that is struggling with that big toolbox.

Yeah, he really shouldn't be carrying this by himself.

He looks really sweaty and huffy -puffy, like he's going to pass out.

Makes me want to cool off with a popsicle.

Yeah, me too.

Give me a purple one that matches his face.

Okay, that's it, boys.

This is the perfect chance to help a neighbor in need, even if what he really

needs is a good kick in the... Anyway.

What do we get out of it? Nothing.

And $20?

No. We're doing it because it's the right thing to do.

Follow me.

Coast Guard laughed at me, but I'm on hold with the U .S. Navy.

Where are you guys headed? Over to the Abnetters. Good. With any luck, I'll

a team of SEALs coming right behind.

One big walrus would be better, Dad.

Hey, hang up the phone.

His crazy is cute, but you're a grown man.

All right, boys.

Watch and learn about generosity.

Hey, Mr. Ebnetter. I happened to notice you were having trouble carrying that

big toolbox, and I'd like to offer you my help.

What's that for you?

I opened it 20, but she wasn't having it.

There's nothing in it for me. I'm just being a good neighbor.

Seems foolish on your part, but why not? I already threw out a disc in my back.

Oh, well, if you're in pain, even more reason to help.

That's a lot of tools.

Well, there's my Mr. Fix -It. I made you some lemonade.

Oh, and we have visitors.

How about adding some sugar?

Every aperture in my body is slamming shut.

How interesting, Hoyt. The last time you spit it out was because it was too

sweet. Very heavy here.

Well, there's got to be something on the spectrum between sugar coma and your

mother's face.

My mother earned that face.

I hate to interrupt.

From now on, Torbot.

Torbot Lemonade. Why don't you just set my money on fire, woman?

So, Torbot?

Huh? Oh, just set it down where I had it. I put it there for a reason. I

you were trying to be helpful.

My mistake.

What did we learn just now?

That lemonade is a delicate dance of sweet and tart.

No. We learned that good people help each other without expecting anything in

return. Hey, if you really want to be a good person, I could use some help with

that little patch on the hall there.

I'd have my son Kyle do it, but I wouldn't trust that disappointment with

She already picked up your box, greedy. Quit taking advantage.

Yeah, you only help a person once without getting something in return.

Right, Steph?

Even if what he really needs is a good kick in the... Well, aren't you a little

tape recorder?

What's a tape recorder?

Never mind that.

You help people. Any people, as long as they need help. So you just want me to

touch up that little patch?

Uh -huh. Okay, fine. And then make the rest of the boat match it.

Do you understand how good it feels? Ow!

Splinter.

How's it going?

It's taking longer than I thought.

Apparently you have to sand before you paint. I learned that fun fact after we

painted.

Would have been easier if you used my power sander. Would have been easier if

you told me you had one.

I borrowed it from your husband a couple of years ago. It's in my garage.

I'll get it for you. Oh, there goes the other disc.

My back is like a CD changer.

What's a CD changer?

Never mind.

I'll get the sander. Yeah, it's behind all those heavy boxes and cinder blocks.

Let's get out while we have the chance.

If our stepmom is looking for us, we're being good people. Good people watching

cartoons. Say, you boys ever been out on a boat?

Does the log right count?

No. That's a log.

Well, I love boats. In fact, I'm planning to live on this one. And I'll

looking for a couple of crew members to help me out, even take the helm.

Occasionally. Of course, that won't be you two, because you're walking off the

job. Who's walking? I'm taking the helm. Let's get back to sanding.

Nope. I'm not helping unless he lets us drive the boat.

Taking the helm is driving the boat. I told you not to correct me for the other

people, James.

Mr. Ed Netter.

Boat. Where's Kyle?

Oh, him. He'll be back. He's breaking up with his girlfriend because she didn't

enjoy working on the boat with him. What he's really looking for is a girl who

knows how to swab a deck.

I know how to swab a deck. What a lucky twist of fate.

Of course, we're going to need to finish the deck first.

I'm on it. Make sure you tell Kyle.

Good. While you do that, I'll work on... Ow!

Oh! There goes my sailor's elbow. Don't look that up on the internet. It's a

real thing.

Well, since I can't work, I guess I'll go check the marine, uh, tide nautical

thingy. Whatever.

Listen, Aaron. We can't tell Stephanie we're only doing this because we're

getting something awesome out of it. Duh, James.

I'm 10.

Not a goldfish.

Why are you all working on the boat of my sworn enemy?

Stephanie's teaching us to be good people.

Oh, I heard about that.

Why are you really doing it?

I want to date Kyle.

And Mitch Edner said he's going to live on the boat and we get to drive to home.

You had me at he's going to live on the boat. Let's get that man out to sea.

Charlie, I just realized today is the anniversary of my glorious divorce.

I'm not opening my champagne to celebrate your divorce.

Then how about Flag Day?

It's not Flag Day. It is in East Germany.

There is no East Germany. It was liberated.

Wunderbar! Then let's crack open the champagne!

Tell you what.

You help us get this boat on the water, and as soon as it is, we'll open the

champagne.

Make room on the deck.

Mama's thirsty.

What about Stephanie?

No, don't give her any. She's just going to ruin it with orange juice.

Not the champagne.

I'm talking about the lesson she's trying to teach the kid.

If she finds out we're doing this for the wrong reasons, she'll shut the whole

thing down and nobody will get what they want.

Okay, I don't say this often, but we're going to have to lie to my baby.

You said that last week. I say it every week. What's your point?

Let's get to work.

Mom?

Charlie? Gabby?

You're...

helping i can't believe it and yet it's true i think i know why you're all doing

this you realized how much i wanted to show aaron and james you can help

without wanting something in return you all wanted to pitch in and set a good

example

I've been doing this so long, I can't remember if I'm supposed to paint up and

down or left to right.

Neither of them work if you don't have a paintbrush in your hand.

What?

When did I drop it?

About a half an hour ago.

Why didn't anyone say anything?

I thought you were trying to dry the paint.

And I just thought it was funny.

No, the paint on your butt was funny.

Because it's your butt.

You know what? I am really proud of the way you all have been so selfless these

last couple of days.

But lesson learned.

I'm done. Mr. Ebnetter can take it from here. No, he can't. His back's all

jacked up. Without us, he'll never get to love on this boat.

Yeah, and that's our dream. His dream.

Oh, honey, that's sweet, but I think we've helped enough.

Everybody, let's pat ourselves on the back and get out of here before he needs

something else. You want us to walk away from someone in need because it's a

little hard?

Well, this is what it feels like to be disappointed by your role model.

That's what we get for admiring a parrot. We should pick somebody else,

sports star, some sort of music artist.

I feel like you guys are saying I'm horrible.

Oh, nobody's saying you're horrible, honey.

You're just a quitter.

I'm not a quitter. I'm just... Oh, forget it. You quit halfway through that

sentence.

Do what you want, Steph, but I'm not quitting, because I love working on Bo.

which I have time to do because I'm currently single.

You know what?

You guys are right.

What we're doing is great, and we should keep going.

But we should pick it up tomorrow. It's getting dark.

Industrial Klieg.

Cool. We can keep working.

That's the idea. Just don't point it at my house. It's super...

they unveiled this thing. I just want to double check. The champagne is nearby,

it's properly chilled, and it's ready to go as soon as this man sets sail.

If we're going to be drinking this early in the day, I need to get something in

my stomach.

I'm thinking wine cooler.

Well, boys, it was a long week, but it was worth it.

Yeah, it was. We're finally going to get to drive the boat.

Dude. If Mr. Ebnetter invites you. He already invited us. That's the whole

reason we did this. Aaron!

What?

I thought you were doing it for the joy of helping.

Yes, you did, and feel free to keep thinking that.

I am so disappointed in the both of you. We thought to say that.

You're right.

Hearing that doesn't hurt as much as I thought it would.

I want to impress Kyle.

What do you think?

Your face looks the same, so fail.

It's not about me seeing Kyle. It's about Kyle seeing me.

Please tell me you didn't just work on the boat to get Kyle's attention.

No, Steph. I always do my painting in a sundress and heels.

Gabby!

Charlie, I just found out that not everyone from this family is doing this

thing for the right reason.

Who ratted me out? You're grounded.

You just ratted you out, and what are you getting out of this? I'm getting

Evnetter out to sea.

He plans to live on this boat. See?

Who's doing it for us?

Charlie Phillips, that is the saddest, lamest excuse I have ever heard. Nuh

your mom was doing it for booze.

I expected more from you guys.

Why?

Because it's good and right.

I went above and beyond to help this awful man, and I didn't ask for

Do you know what that makes me?

Saint Stephanie.

My face should be on a candle.

Hello, everybody.

Thank you for joining us. Yeah, yeah, we get it. Move over.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the S .S. Man Cave.

I was hoping to have the whole family here, but Kyle went and he loped

with his ex -girlfriend, and long story short, I'm going to be a grandpa.

What?

Yeah, I wasn't thrilled about it either.

All right, let's get on with this boat christening. Actually, Hoyt, shouldn't

wait until we get the boat down to the docks?

We can carpool.

What are you, nuts?

I'm not putting this in the water. That's how you get barnacles.

You said you were going to live on it. I am.

Right here in my backyard.

Excuse me?

That's what you get.

Or what you don't get.

Ah!

Before we go any further, I want to thank some folks who made my dream

Heck, I'm not going to call them folks.

I'm going to call them family.

So a very special thanks to... Aw, that's so sweet.

Cheryl, Herb, and Ralph down in Atlantic Quickie Loans, where their slogan is,

come in for a loan.

And I want to thank my neighbor who is now, well, I'll just say it, my friend.

Leonard Berger.

Thoughtful enough to loan me his boat trailer. Thank you so much, Leonard.

And last but not least, the most important person here, without whom none

this would even have happened.

Eunice.

Eunice, get out of here.

You've never finished anything before, but you actually finished this boat and

all by yourself.

Good thing you did this for nothing, St. Stephanie, because that's what you got.

Well, now that everybody who needs to be thanked has been. I sanded this boat.

I painted this boat.

I even hung that hideous, trashy -looking mermaid on the front.

It's called a bow.

I know it's called a bow, and that's what I should be taking. I should be

getting a standing ovation, and I didn't even get a thank you.

Do you hear me, you ungrateful, advantage -taking, back -pain -faking,

-back -breaking ingrate?

I want my thank you.

I heard a lull. Is it time for this?

It's the perfect time. This is just what we needed.

She up yet?

Haven't seen her.

Boy, she's never been as mad as she was in Mr. Abnett. No kidding.

She just kept slamming things around and muttering. I finally put in earplugs.

Is that why she kicked you out and made you sleep in our room?

Thanks for taking the floor, buddy.

Good morning, everyone.

Honey, you seem less screechy -slammy than you were last night when you pushed

me into the hallway.

I don't trust you.

Obviously, I was really mad at Mr. Ebnetter, but it's a new day and I found

way to get over it. I still don't trust it.

Well, there you are, hiding in plain sight.

Shame on you.

Excuse me? Don't play coy with us. Last night, someone ran a hose from this

house into my boat and flooded the whole thing, which was both ironic and very

effective. The SS man cave has been ruined.

Now wait just a minute, Buster.

You're nuts if you think anyone in this family did something like that. I don't

think anyone.

I think you.

Third, Charlie, can you believe this?

That you would do it or that you did do it?

Charlie. Oh, of course not she wouldn't do it. No, she'd never do it. Way to

cover for her, Dad.

Cover for me? You were all mad at him.

Yeah, but you were the one who said you found a way to get over it.

I took a long bath and lit a scented candle. French vanilla.

Then I ate a pint of ice cream. Also French vanilla.

Then you flooded my boat.

What is all the ruckus in here?

What about her?

Could be.

What? Did you do it?

Yeah, I did it. I let the air out of Ebner's tires and I...

No apologies.

What about my boat? What about your boat?

Don't I let no air out of no boat?

No, someone ran a hose into the Ebnetter's boat. Did you do it?

Absolutely not.

Was it you?

Because you were mad.

I didn't flood Mr.

Ebnetter's boat.

I just wanted a sinking thank you.

You're not going to get one now after you flooded my boat.

Don't agitate her, Hoyt. She'll come after her house.

You haven't heard the last from me or the good people at Atlantic Quickie

Insurance where their slogan is, come in for insurance.

One little thing.

I flooded the boat.

I didn't want Hoyt living on it, you understand.

Bye.

Thanks for taking the blame. I know how touchy you are about thank yous.