Original subtitles

Not my book.

Listen to this garbage.

In Maurice's arms, Millicent melted like a candle on a birthday cake.

Suddenly, I want cake.

I keep telling you, it's not my book. It was in the bag I borrowed from Grandma

Maggie. Ugh, don't tell me. Is that one of those romance novels? When I was in

high school, she had stacks of those cheesy things.

Now, I want cheese.

I can't believe she still reads that.

sentimental trash.

I'll give it back to her tomorrow, but I'm keeping the bag. Makes me look

Yeah, like Grandma Maggie.

Bag's going back.

Love's Binding Relief by Sherry Charnay.

What's it about, anyway?

It looks like it's about some dude with lady hair.

Mostly it seems to be about overwritten descriptions.

His passion made her feel like a sandcastle, surrendering to the warm

a tropical surf.

Now I want a quesadilla.

rapport about someone I know who's remarkable.

I'm here for you. And old. She's there for you.

Sit down, Erin.

Ask me your questions. I am an open book.

Okay. What year were you born? That book is closed.

Next question, make it fast.

The lowest is coming to town. Mom, I know she's your friend, but I can't

that shady woman.

She once made me a notary license.

I gotta pick her up from the bus station.

Oh, well, I hope you're picking her up from the bus station and taking her

to the airport.

Now, you know Delois is on the no -fly list.

They should have given her those peanuts.

Grandma Maggie, I need you to take this seriously. I really want to impress Mrs.

Delisle. He has a little bit of a crush on his teacher.

Nuh -uh, I'm straight up in love.

So, tell me about your first day on Earth.

Skip ahead, Romeo.

I got a situation coming in at 3 .15 from Syracuse. Mom, why don't you tell

about when you were a classy lady?

She still is a classy lady. Look how she's rocking that jumpsuit.

Oh, thank you, baby.

But she's talking about classy lady cosmetics.

I used to sell them door to door.

Ding dong, classy lady.

How long did you sell makeup?

20 years. She retired when I was in college.

Do you want to be young or do you want to be interviewed?

Young.

After I stopped ding -donging, I started living off the money I made in the

market.

What are we talking?

Stock market, black market, farmer's market?

What? Stuff goes down there.

I'm talking about my investment.

All you need is one solid one. You find that goose that lays the golden egg, and

you are eating 24 -carat omelets.

Sweet, sweet Grandma Maggie.

What might be the name of this goose?

It's called Plasticorp. I bought low, now I live high.

This is boring.

Can we spice you up for Mrs. Galila? Have you ever been Michelle Obama?

Elicent, you little vixen, let's see what you get up to in chapter three.

Oh, good, found the book.

Yeah, I found it, indeed.

I left it by the front door so I'd remember to bring it to Grandma

it just vanished. Where was it? Oh, under the thing, by the other thing.

were things involved.

Dad, were you reading this romance book?

Okay, at first I picked it up for a laugh, and then I got hooked.

There's the ski instructor, the lady Millicent Griswold, who falls in love

the Duke of Merle, who was switched at birth with the Earl of Merle. No

relation.

The Earl of Merle?

Seriously?

Fine. Take the book.

No, I want the book.

No, take the book.

I'm a grown doctor.

But I gotta finish. It's a matter of life and death.

But your job is. Don't you have surgery?

So I have to wait to find out what happens because stupid Mr.

Rabinowitz can't lay off the mayonnaise.

Maybe I didn't hear my beeper.

Dad?

Fine.

I'm trying to have a little relaxation.

Dude, Grandma Maggie is playing you. That whole flash of...

is bogus. Ugh, what are you talking about?

Turns out, Plasticorp folded five years ago. Grandma Maggie's golden goose is

dead.

Maybe you made a mistake.

Stephanie, I may not know fancy facts like the capital of Honolulu, but

I do know money. And I know Grandma Maggie isn't being straight about hers.

What's she been living on?

Dividends from Nunya Incorporated. What's Nunya? Nunya business.

Leave your grandma alone.

Can't. She's got a secret, and I'm going to figure it out.

Oh, that'd be great for my reports.

I bet she's the president of China.

And her money comes from panda bears.

I gotta ask, what are you studying in school right now?

China and panda bears.

Okay, we're done.

I bet she is an international spy.

And jockey.

Aaron, I'm actually trying to figure something out here. Stop guessing stupid

things. It isn't stupid.

Jackie is the perfect cover if she's an international spy.

Especially if she's also a robot.

Shut. Hi, hi, hi.

Hang on. Up.

Grandma Maggie, what are you hiding?

On my way in, nothing. On my way out, two bottles of wine and a box of them

fancy crackers.

light reading.

How are the Duke and Millicent?

Well, I wouldn't know because I'm reading about the War of 1812.

You know, I'd need to be on the other side of the book for that to work.

Well, then move over there because Millicent just found out she's the half

-sister of the quartermaster.

What? No.

Catch me up.

You know Millicent's only got four fingers?

On one hand or total?

One hand. It froze to the ski lift.

What is this book, and why do we love it so much? No, turn the page. Turn the

page. Are you reading that Sherry Chardonnay nonsense?

I thought we got that out of my house.

It's my house, too. I found it. It moves me, and we're keeping it.

Nobody should be reading this trash.

As Millicent and Timothy locked eyes from opposite ends of the gondola. What?

Timothy's blind.

Oh, no. Oh, no. He got that sight bag. You know how they have that amulet.

Oh, yeah.

Read a real book. This drivel kills brain cells. We were just up to the last

chapter. Don't care. It's going back to my mom.

To the bookstore!

Hey! Delois!

Oh, hi, Delois. I didn't know you were here. No time. Let's go. Okay, bye.

Delois, where's my mom?

Sitting in a movie theater waiting for me to come back with more popcorn.

So while I talk to your boys, I'm gonna need you to make some.

Add some nachos.

Okay, none of that's happening. And why do you need to talk to my boys?

Well, they called me.

Hey, boys!

Apparently, I'm not the only one who's been wondering about Maggie's secret

life. Boys, we dropped this, remember?

You dropped this. We picked it back up.

And get this.

Grandma Maggie's browser history is all about how to crack a safe and fence a

stolen diamond.

We... Figured it out. Grandma Maggie ate the jewel thief.

The evidence doesn't lie. That doesn't make sense.

And you ain't making popcorn.

And Maggie ain't making money from no investments. How do you know anything

about my mother's investments?

Well, I'll tell you.

I went through a period where being me wasn't a good idea.

From a legal standpoint.

So I might have borrowed her driver's license, social security card, and

mother's maiden name.

You stole her identity?

All life, you ain't never borrowed an ID.

To be 21, not another person.

So you must know a lot about Grandma Maggie.

In 36 states, I am Grandma Maggie.

And I know there's something shady about her money.

I think she owns a vineyard. Why would she keep that a secret?

Because she's stingy.

She knew I'd be all up and through that wine.

Look, all I know is she used to get a lot of income from Chardonnay and

That's what all the check stubs said.

Chardonnay and Sherry.

Why is that so familiar?

Is that from school?

News?

Something boring.

Write a book.

This book. Grandma Maggie is Sherry Chardonnay.

She's a troll thief, winemaking book writer?

Someone book the chapel because Mrs. Galula's gonna love me.

It says Sherry Chardonnay is the author of 25 romance novels. And she lives

in... Philadelphia. Oh, James, lots of people live in Philadelphia. We live in

Philadelphia. And we know it's not any of us, so it must be Grandma Maggie.

Now, Lois, I knew you were up to something when you went to the snack bar

and didn't ask for money.

Well, I'm so sorry about that.

Sherry, your name.

Either one would be fine.

Thank you.

I am not Sherry Chardonnay.

Prove it. You prove it.

Come on, Maggie. Just admit you're a romance novelist. It's cool. We're all

family here.

Deloitte, you are not my family. She's a lot closer to you than you think she

is.

James, my mom...

not a romance novelist. There's no way she's been writing these junky books for

ten years. How do you know? Because she's always been honest with me. That's

right, baby.

That shirt is hideous, and those pants make your butt look big.

I didn't want to say nothing.

A little too honest, but you made my point. Now, let's put this to rest so I

change my pants.

Mom, are you the romance novelist Sherry Chardonnay?

No, I am not.

Okay, subject closed.

Aaron, if you're going to do a project on Grandma Maggie, you're going to tell

the real story.

James, you're going to stop investigating your grandma and making up

of craziness.

And the lowest, keep your hands off our mail.

Oh, don't nobody want to be you anyway.

don't want to read that, look what I got.

The book's here.

Yeah, it is.

$48 with overnight delivery, but it was worth it.

Not your money, but I agree.

Oh, and careful, careful.

The seller said it was like new, so it could be just held together with spit

chewing gum. I'm a surgeon. I got this.

I'll take the book first and promise not to spoil it for you. How about this?

You're grounded. No books. Go party with your friends.

Nicely played, father.

How about we read it together?

Fine. But I turn the pages.

The final chapter.

Which is missing.

What?

Oh, some seller is getting a very strongly worded review.

Millicent chose.

My money's on the Earl of Merle.

Well, pay up now, because it's definitely my man, Timothy.

Even when he was blind, he could see the love in her eyes.

He lost the Olympic two -man luge. He's gonna lose her, too.

To who? The Earl of Merle? Please, more like the Earl of... Like

Timothy's surprise? The way he conveniently went blind when she lost

fortune? I can't see!

I can't see! Oh, he could see.

Romance killer.

Hopeless fool.

Bitter old man.

Silly little girl. This is fun. I'm going to miss you when you go to

It's been an honor, General.

Saving that entire village with only a half a helicopter is the most inspiring

tale I've ever heard.

Thank you, Brandon, for bringing him in.

Now, let's hear from Aaron, whose step -grandmother sewed makeup.

I have nothing.

You have a very interesting grandma. She brought lipstick from the 80s. He bar

-strapped her from his leg.

Aaron.

Fine.

Everyone, please welcome my Grandma Maggie.

Hi, hi, hi.

Go on, baby, go on, tell my story.

My... Grandma Maggie has lived here in boring old Philadelphia her entire life.

Aaron.

What?

What are you doing here? You better have a good answer because I'm getting a

little... myself.

We are here to help Aaron with his report.

How did she get out of school?

Grandma Maggie signed him out. How? She's been here with me. Different

Maggie.

Not important.

Hey, do you want to do a lame presentation or an awesome one?

What do you think, James? I'm dying up here.

Then read this.

Aaron, is everything okay?

Oh, it's great now.

Mr. Lois, come to the front, please.

What's she doing coming up here? This isn't a police lineup.

James, this better not be some harebrained version of my mom's secret

Not about your mom. I'm helping young Aaron win the heart of the older but not

too shabby Mrs. Galula.

My real report today is about the talented romance novelist Sherry

What?

James. Hang on. Here comes the good part.

I learned only recently that Sherry Chardonnay is my Grandma Maggie's best

friend to love.

Sherry Chardonnay.

That's my nom de plume, which is French for name of the plume.

I've written over 20 books.

The lowest, you liar.

The only time you've been near a book is that weekend you spent in the ladies'

room at Borders.

I love romance novels. You know, I think I even read one or two of yours.

Really? Well, I'll sign one for you. I'll even put you in the next one. Now,

do you spell Mrs. Tabooli?

It's Galula.

Yeah, well, is that Tabooli Galula or Galula Tabooli?

I think we can agree that Sherry Sarnay is the coolest person in this room.

And totally kicks that shrapnel guy's butt.

I totally agree with you, Aaron.

Lewis, that was true of my grandma.

Back up on my grandbaby.

You fraud.

That's my hug.

I am Sherry Sardinay.

What?

Oh, I mean, ding dong, classy lady.

Mrs. Glula hugged me.

Oh, so she liked your report?

Who cares? She hugged me. I am never washing me again.

I can't believe you didn't tell me this. It's like my entire life has been a

lie. Your whole life has not been a lie.

Okay, maybe everything that happened after you went to college.

What's going on? For the last ten years, my mom has been secretly writing

romance novels.

Romance novels?

Do you know Sherry Chardonnay? I am Sherry Chardonnay. You're Sherry

We love you!

Really? Nobody cares that I have no idea who my mother is? Of course we care.

Honey, of course we care. Who does Millicent end up with?

Please, we need to know.

Who's Millicent? From Love's Binding Reliefs. Is that the one in the prison?

a ski resort and a castle and an earl and an amulet.

Sounds vaguely familiar.

It's probably the stable boy. They all end up with the stable boy.

It can't be the stable boy.

Yeah, no, he died in that freak yodeling accident in Chapter 7.

Then I don't know.

Why don't y 'all just read the book?

Oh, we can't find a copy with the final chapter.

Oh, I got stacks of them in my condo storage room.

To the condo storage room!

Can you at least explain why you couldn't tell me the truth?

Because when you were a teenager, you were always calling romance novels

And I just couldn't stand the idea of you losing respect for me.

But, Mom, I'm an adult.

Why couldn't you tell me now?

Because you're still calling them stupid.

And I just didn't want you ripping on my writing.

Well, Charlie and Gabby and Miss Galula sure like it.

Mom. I am so proud of you.

In fact, I'm going to read a Sherry Chardonnay, and I'm going to love it.

Just don't read the one about the heart surgeon and his much younger wife.

I was working through some things.