All language subtitles for Instant Mom s02e15 Dont Worry, Be Maggie

I assure you won't wake up.

Dad, I am pregnant.

We're good.

Okay, mouth is one point. Nostrils are
each ten, and if he starts choking, run.

Game on, sucker.

I can't believe you.

What? What?

Why was I dreaming about a meteor
shower?

What is happening here? I'll tell you
what happened at the grocery store.

got a price check on crazy.

Let me guess. She flipped out in the 12
-item express lane? She's done this with

you, too?

I still get flashbacks.

Two cans of tuna is one item. The one
item is tuna.

You sound just like your mother.

Are you trying to hurt me, Charlie?

I just meant that I've heard your mother
say the exact same thing. Well, you're

wrong. I am nothing like my mother.

Nobody say a word.

She best be going upstairs to change,
because Mama's wearing it better.

our address.

One of those little numbers you wear
that give away the farm.

Seriously? Why would you want to borrow
something you can't handle?

I need it for church.

Mama's trying to bag herself a minister.

Reverend Croker's divorce has been
finalized and I've got competition.

A single minister is like chum in the
water.

you should give him some time? He just
got divorced.

How long was Charlie divorced before you
two started dating?

You want shoes to go with that dress?

Dana dumped me.

Aw, she did?

She made us take some dumb compatibility
test from some girly web site, and our

score was low. If you ask me, the test
did you a big old favor. Yeah, these

things have a way of revealing truth
about people.

And Dana's truth was?

She was too dumb to see what she had.

You guys were her set?

So, uh, what kind of questions are on
that test?

Okay, it's fondue night with your boo
-boo bear.

Ugh, gag me.

Do you serve chocolate or cheese?

Well, when I'm dating, I crave a little
chocolate.

I wish I hadn't heard that, but I'd also
say chocolate.

Next question. Would you rather read the
book or see the movie?

Read the book.

I don't think the test works if you lie.

See the movie.

Would you stop answering like me?

I'm doing the next one secretly.

Okay,

Grandma Maggie, your turn. Would you
rather snow ski or water ski?

I don't do water.

I got hair.

So I'm going to have to say snow ski.
Stop it. This stupid test. It's gonna

we're a match made in heaven.

Actually, it says you guys are too alike
to be a couple.

Guys, check it out. Molly got a tattoo.

Oh, baby, why?

Cool, huh?

Oh, is that a little goat?

Yeah, it's my sign. I'm a Capricorn.

Debbie, you know what would be great?

Is if you got your sign, too, in the
same spot.

Ain't nobody getting a tattoo.

Where'd that come from?

Chill. There's no way I would ever do
that.

I'm surprised you're so against it, Mrs.
Phillips.

You have those ones on your wrist.

I will never forget when her sorry
little 17 -year -old self

waltzed into my house with a tattoo.

Talking about, it looks cool.

It looks full.

If I ever had to get a tattoo, it would
say,

Don't bother reading this, because it's
stupid.

I know James is bummed his girlfriend
dumped him, but, like, get over it

already. This is from the girl who
started a letter -writing campaign when

cute weatherman moved to Pittsburgh.

Gabby Ann Gentleman. He's the smoothest.
He's the coolest. He paid me three

whole bucks to do this.

I give you James, the champion of the
lady.

I am the greatest.

I guess he's over Dana.

The prettiest girl in school likes me.
She picked me to be her U .S. history

partner. We're going to make the
Washington Monument at a sugar cube.

Son of a bitch I made last year out of
the Taj Mahal, so you know she ain't in

it for the great.

Slow down, champ. Maybe we should meet
her parents first. Oh, don't worry, Dad.

If Jane can land her, she must have a
face like a knuckle.

So, what's Knuckleface's name?

Aaron. What?

No, Aaron.

Dude, what?

Aaron, E -R -I -N.

That's how I spell my name.

Wow, that's creepy. It's like you're
dating your brother.

I am quite a kid.

A -A -R -O -N and E -R -I -N are not
even remotely the same person.

Aaron's in the comic book video game.
And what is your little girlfriend like?

was talking about her.

Guys, I've done it. I've solved it.

Look at this.

You ran out and got a tattoo? I am not
my mama anymore.

Hi!

Kids?

Rooms? Not a chance.

Yeah, we want to see this.

Deb, that's so cute.

Thanks, Gabby. Why would you do this?
You already have two tattoos.

These, I got to rebel against my mom.
And this, I got to rebel against my mom.

And prove I am not her.

So there.

Steph, it looks awesome.

Now that makes me want a tattoo.

Makes who want a what now?

Glad we stayed.

You said you'd never get one. No, I said
I'd never get a stupid Zodiac tattoo

like the one Molly has.

But yours is really cute. I'm gonna go
check out some designs.

Okay, that was not supposed to happen.
But we are not gonna freak out. What did

you just do?

I said we are not... gonna freak out you
can't speak for me what did you just do

guys what's the big deal i had dozens of
tattoos they wash off

hi hi hi where's gabby i heard

about your new tattoo and i don't want
her making the mistake you did mom i'm

handling it you don't need to give her a
talk oh it's not a talk it's a sermon

come on in reverend reverend

and lock up your graven images for a
minister highest in the house.

Seriously? What were you thinking? Is
there a choir out in the car?

This man has a lot to offer a woman, and
I don't just mean those dimples.

Maggie Turner, you are so sweet, I could
sell you at the church bake sale.

For you, I might be persuaded to give
out a free sample.

Oh, get a pew.

Bring me this misguided child.

And a microphone.

Reverend, I appreciate you coming, but
I'm already handling this. I realize my

new tattoo was a mistake, and I am not
going to let Gabby get one.

In that case, my work is done.

Oh, what's this? I mean, it's a donation
envelope for the new steeple.

I'll just leave that here with you.

I just talked to Gabby.

She still wants that tattoo.

So, what's the plan to handle it?

Here's the plan. Tell her no and mean
it. And tell her if she gets one, you'll

get a nice little Gabby rug for in front
of your fireplace.

Works for me. Hands in.

Guys, that's not how we're going to
handle it.

5 ,000 years of parenting cannot be
wrong. Well, that's how you tried to

me, and I just ran right out and got one
behind your back.

Well, what do you think we should do?

Get Gabby to talk herself out of it. The
only way we'll know for sure is she

won't sneak out and get one.

Okay, I'm going to trust your judgment
on this one.

I wouldn't.

I dropped her as a baby.

Oh, shush.

Here's what we'll do.

Tell Gabby she can have one, but only if
she finds a design that we agree is

meaningful enough to have on her body
forever.

No, I'm never going to think anything is
meaningful enough for her to have

forever.

Oh!

I'm in.

What's your backup plan?

Charlie knows some anesthesiologists.

We'll just knock her out until she's 18.

Please. If I'm ever going to pull that
favor, I'm saving it for James.

Doing some homework?

Yeah. You know, what do they call a long
division? It takes forever.

You know, it might help if you changed
your name.

Is it because you don't like me having
the same name as your girlfriend?

It didn't even occur to me.

I just want to see you thrive
academically.

When the grades go out, who always gets
the best one?

Freddie.

Freddie? Now that...

name. You start calling yourself Freddy
and that long division will be a breeze.

You'll even move up to algebra.

That's crazy, James. You just don't want
people thinking you're dating me.

That is not it. You just strike me as
more of a Freddy. No, I like being

I'm not changing.

Dude, Freddy, be cool.

Okay, guys. I've worked up for more
tattoo designs.

What do you think it'd be? Let's see
what you got.

No, no, no.

Is this one upside down?

It doesn't matter. No.

A pair of jeans wearing a monocle? He's
fancy pants.

No. You rejected like 40 designs.

Why am I even bothering? Dad, what do
you think?

I think you should talk to Stephanie.
I'm deferring to her.

Why don't you get a tattoo of a
footstool?

Because that's what you are.

Gabby, I told you I wouldn't agree to
anything that wasn't meaningful.

Look, imagine this is your tattoo now,
okay? It's ironic and fun and all your

friends think you're the coolest.

This is your tattoo at 80.

It's wrinkled and gross and your
grandkids keep telling you to pull your

down.

A tattoo has to mean... something.

It can't just be a pretty picture.

Yeah. Wow.

Maybe I shouldn't rush into this.

Thanks, Steph.

Charlie, it worked.

I never doubted myself for a second.

I did, but who cares? It worked.

And the best part is, I handled this
without having to be you.

Watch it, you two.

You just can't admit that my way worked.
For now.

But wait. You'll end up doing it like
me. With yelling and just a dash of

physical force.

Not gonna happen.

Keep living in the land of wishful
thinking.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I must go and
make a preacher pay.

I'm just glad this whole tattoo business
is over. Yeah, me too.

Hey, when I was searching around online,
I saw that my mom's name means of the

royal forest and Stephanie means crown.

So what if I got a small crown set
against a tree?

It would be a way to always have my two
mothers with me.

Boy, I don't know.

What do you think, honey?

I think it's beautiful.

I'll get it. Oh, thank you, thank you,
thank you. I'm going to go tweet some

before pictures of my hip.

Hip, hip, hip, hip, hip, hip.

What happened here?

We raised an angel.

Good. Maybe Angel can be her nickname at
the biker bar.

You need to fix this.

Okay, don't panic.

I had one other idea.

I could take it to that rat hole where I
got my first tattoo. That place is so

nasty, Gabby will run away screaming.

Really? That's your plan?

Don't say that like you never met me.

This better work.

It will.

All right.

Because I love you so much, I'll allow
you to traumatize our daughter.

Aw, thanks, Charlie.

That means a lot to me.

sugary Washington Monuments looking
pretty sweet.

You want to go get a snack?

Uh, sure, but first, I want to show you
my new phone.

Okay, check it out. You can program it
to talk to you by name.

Hello, Karen.

Hang on.

My name is Erin. You know, Karen is a
pretty good name.

Or Debbie.

Please get out of here. What'd I do?

I think you mean to be freaking out
because my name is Erin and your name is

Erin. And not freaking out. It's just
creepy.

Oh, I get it. That is weird.

Look, Erin is my middle name, and I only
go by it because I hate my first name.

But if it'll make you feel better, you
can call me that instead.

Thank you. What's your first name?

Gabrielle. You can call me Gabby.

Okay, we're done here.

This isn't at all what I expected.

Me either.

Where's all the police tape?

Welcome.

If you brought any little ones, they
should feel free to play in our fun

What happened to this place? The last
time I was in here, I got held for

questioning.

Get me started, man.

We used to be all about the art, and
then we fell victim to the almighty

franchise.

Have you heard about our membership
rewards program?

Not interested.

Gabby, are you sure you want to go
through with this?

You haven't changed your mind? Oh, no
way. I definitely want to do this. And

it's all thanks to you.

This is my design.

One crown and tree coming right up.

That's it. Back away from my baby. What
are you doing?

What I should have done to begin with.
Get out of that chair.

No way. You said if I had something
meaningful, then I could get a tattoo.

I lied.

You should have talked yourself out of
this. Talk myself out of this? That's

crazy. I don't care.

Now get your sorry 16 -year -old butt in
the car.

We also offer a counseling service.

She wishes we'd been straight with her,
but she understands she can't get a

tattoo right now.

What she is getting is a new phone.

And a new purse to carry it around in.

So, we win.

Shut up, Charlie.

We didn't win.

Um, do you want a new phone?

No. I want to not be my mother.

But I am.

And if I'm my mother, then who's me?

And who was she before she became her?
And how are you going to react now that

the me you married is the her you didn't
sign up for?

My turn.

Look, maybe you and your mom are similar
in some ways.

Maybe even some disturbing ways.

But it doesn't make you the same person.

If it did, you think I'd do this?

I hope not.

You still love your mother, so...

Be like the parts you love and ignore
the parts you don't.

Thank you.

Believe me.

There's plenty of things about your
mother you don't have.

And I'm glad.

Like what?

Give me a couple just to make me feel
better. She's loud.

She's pushy. She steals our best wine.

Thanks. That helped.

She never knocks. She never calls before
she comes over. Okay, Charlie, I get

the point. And she's so bossy. Charlie,
get out of the room. Charlie, get out of

my face.

I'm good. You can stop now. And self
-centered? She is practically a

You know what? I am sick of you talking
trash about my mama.

And I will take that phone.

Why do I always go too far?

It's almost like I'm my mom.

Eh, I love my mama.

both here. If the Reverend asks, you are
troubled jutes on the road to

destruction.

What? Where are the boys? It's not too
late to snatch them from the jaws of

evil.

I'm here for you, Maggie, for as long as
it takes and a little bit after.

Amen, Reverend.

And I'm so happy that you were able to
find time to fix a crisis in the church

family.

Open up, young fellas. When you tell me
your sins, that's when the healing

begins.

I'm wanted in West Virginia.

And I'm wanted in Virginia.

Shepherd us, Reverend.

The whole family's lost.

I'm glad you reached out to me, Maggie.
When it comes to my congregation, I like

to be hands -on.

You can put your hands anywhere you
need.