All language subtitles for Instant Mom s02e12 Yelly Monster

James, we're gonna be late for school.

Gabby, where are you going? We're about
to leave.

My bio homework's upstairs.

I have to finish it. Well, why didn't
you finish it last night?

I was busy working on my math.

I also have to finish my math.

Just do it all in the car like always.

Don't blame me. Dad said he was gonna
help me after the Phillies game, but he

fell asleep.

You know, every morning there's an issue
with your homework. Every night there's

an issue with your husband.

James, we're gonna...

What do you mean? Your alarm went off an
hour ago. What were you doing?

Snoozing. Why were you snoozing?

Because there's a button that tells me
to.

It's like the biggest button on the
clock.

Wait, where'd my socks go?

Oh, right, sock drawer. Duh.

Ah, ah, ah, come back here. You can
borrow socks at school.

Have you seen my friend's feet?

No, thank you.

I don't like my lunch.

Oh, sweetie, what's wrong with a ham
sandwich and apple slices?

I'm over ham, and you know I don't do
Granny Smith.

Can I have something else? I don't have
time to make you a second lunch today.

That's what you say every day. And yet
you always ask.

Here, stand by the door and wait until
everybody is ready.

Gabby, James, we should have been gone
ten minutes ago. I want you in the car

now or I'm gonna lose it.

Ah, you gotta love a long hot shower.

Hey,

I'm gonna go make me some pancakes.

Oh, that sounds wonderful. Did you enjoy
the Phillies game last night? Oh, yeah,

it was great. You know I don't care
about the Phillies game.

I cared that you didn't help Gabby with
her homework again, and we're going to

be late again because you wanted to
watch the end of the game.

You seem tense.

Hey, you should try my new shower scrub.

Smell that eucalyptus. Huh? It's
calming.

You have one second to pull that arm
back or I'm going to bite it off.

I don't have time to take a shower. Look
at me. I'm disgusting.

Well, but then you'll put on your funny
hat and you'll drive in the school coat

and then you'll come home and fix all
that.

Honey, with all those other moms, They
show up with perfect hair, perfect

clothes, perfect kids.

And they also have time to stop and get
a perfect latte.

But, oh, not me.

I'm a mess. No, honey, you're a hot
mess.

I'm here.

Darn it, my shoes don't match.

All right, well, you've got a left and a
right. Now let's go, and I mean it.

Ship to Fiji yet? I am so not playing
right now. Three, two... Everybody!

You get to school on time with me in
Fiji.

to proofread Gabby's homework.

Already did. It's in the living room.

You look nice.

You look nice. What time is it?

Afternoon. Where's my phone? I was
supposed to do Mrs. Morris' bypass.

Charlie, Charlie, it's okay. It's only 7
.10.

But you look later.

Well, this morning, I planned ahead, I
woke up early, and I even got the kids

all together without any drama.

Did you threaten to move to Fiji?

I did not.

I didn't even yell once.

I need to change, Charlie.

Well, you've got time, but I like what
you're wearing.

No, a bigger change.

Did Aaron show you the book he made at
school?

The Yelly Monster in My House.

Oh, that's so cute.

Read it.

One morning, a monster yelled at her
kids.

gobbled them up, drove them to school,
and spit them out.

The end.

Ha! The monster kind of looks like...
Oh.

Yeah. I'm the Yelly Monster.

But not anymore.

I am not going to be the mom in the drop
-off line who gets her kids to tuck and

roll as they bounce out of the car.

Charlie, I don't want to be the Yelly
Monster.

I want to give the... kids memories i
have you know happy morning laughing and

making breakfast with my mom the mom you
currently have she was fun charlie and

i am going to be more fun in the morning
starting today because from now on it

is my world that's right and we all just
living in it because mama phillips got

it going on never do that again

okay do it again gone with your bad self

We're good now.

Aw, look at the three of you sitting
there waiting.

What's wrong with this picture?

Nothing's wrong with this picture.

Because I am awesome and early. I don't
get it. It's morning and you're not

yelling. And your eye's not twitching.

And we are ten minutes ahead of
schedule. I even have time for a latte.

You got ten minutes? I might as well
brush my teeth.

No. Bye. leaves.

Bam! Tiny brush, tiny paste. Hit him up
in the car.

What about blood?

Whacked or unwacked?

I was just testing, like I've lost.

Aaron, lunch.

What do you make? Turkey and Swiss, just
like you asked for last night.

That was last night.

How does roast beef grab you?

Always love roast beef.

Good, because that's really roast beef.

You're good today.

Gabby, you're... Fixed paper.

Your dad proofed it. Oh, he made a cover
page. Way to go, Dad.

And Times New Roman.

That's fly.

See? Happy morning.

You're gonna wear that blazer with that
blouse?

Oh, I can go without the blazer.

Yeah, I like that shirt.

You look like a giant rose bush.

I'm changing. Nobody move.

Oh, man, I can't believe we got up early
just to sit here.

You sit.

I'm gonna snooze. Wake me in nine
minutes.

Okay, while you snooze, I'm making a new
lunch. I can't get turkey and Swiss out

of my head.

It's your snoozing that gets Stephanie's
psycho in the first place.

Me? I'm not the one running around all,
I can't do my homework without my daddy.

Boo -frickity -hoo.

At least I do my homework.

Ooh, nerd burn.

A nerd who'll be giving you money when
you're a vagrant.

Correction, won't be giving you money.
I'll just be spitting in your little

That's okay, because when I'm a vagrant,
Aaron will float me.

Way to dream big, idiot.

Get off it. You don't even do your
homework. You just text Molly all night.

heart Derek.

Hashtag yummy.

You know what I don't heart?

Hashtagging when it's not a tweet.

You little cretin. You're reading my
text?

even doing that? I set my alarm for 3 a
.m., sneak into your bedroom, read your

phone, take a picture of you drooling in
your sleep, post it on my blog, answer

all the comments, and then crawl back to
bed.

Why do you think I always need to
snooze?

James, you come in my room again and no
one will find your body.

Hashtag, I'm not kidding.

Hashtag, for real.

That's not how hashtags work. You're
ruining technology.

We're all here.

We're not all here.

Large, medium, we're small.

Kitchen, there's a sandwich crisis.

Ah, well, not a problem, because we are
still eight minutes ahead of schedule.

Aaron, sweetie, what are you doing?

Making a new lunch. Don't see any
turkey.

Do we have lobster?

Well, how does bologna sound?

Even better than lobster.

Here, now, well, excuse me.

I'm about to get my phone on.

How many points are a bologna sandwich?

Stop looking at Grandma Maggie.

Why ain't there no latte in my latte?

Did you plug it in? Of course I plugged
it in.

How's that sandwich coming?

Good, I'm putting the bread in the
middle and left it on the outside.

With the air in.

Dad, what did you do to my essay?

Gabby, don't you leave that living room.

She's gonna leave that living room.

What's wrong? Dad didn't proofread my
essay. He totally rewrote it. I'm sure

just tweaked it a little. It's opinion
-based, and he changed my opinion to his

opinion. So maybe he over -tweaked.

Is it okay to sacrifice your principles
to get ahead if no one gets hurt? What

would you say?

Um, if nobody gets hurt, I guess.

Thank you. That's what I said. And Dad
completely rewrote it to something all

preachy about morality and standing for
what you believe in.

I'm gonna give that man a piece of my
mind.

Well, make it a small piece. We're down
to three minutes early.

Wait, where did James go?

I don't care.

Dad! James!

Hi, hi, hi!

Table's out, and it's Al Roker time!

James, why are you changing when we need
to leave the house? I've seen you wear

the same shirt for a week.

Don't freak out, but I just remembered
I'm supposed to go to school as Abe

Lincoln. Just remembered?

Is there anything else you want to tell
me at the last minute? I like you better

than my real mom.

Stephanie!

Al is doing the weather in a Speedo this
morning, and I'm going to need to see

that more than once.

Where did we see Al?

In 1989.

Where it can run free with my Walkman
and my scrunchies.

Okay, Abe Lincoln, what do you need? A
stovepipe hat, a suit, and a beard. Or

could just cover me in $5 bills.

All right, Mom, can you make James'
costume?

I don't have that kind of money.

Uh, well, then, how about you keep an
eye on Aaron and help me finish making

latte?

Okay.

But Al and I are on a clock, too.

Sorry, Stephanie.

I wrote a reminder on my hand, but you
may be watching before dinner, so

actually, there's a lot of blame to go
around.

Mistakes were made and so forth.

We'll just have memories of this as the
happy morning we pulled a costume out of

our butt.

Here is your stovepipe hat.

I look like I work at Benihana.

And I know Lincoln didn't wear a powder
blue suit.

He did to his prong.

Okay, fine, fine. Here.

Take my blazer.

All right, you keep going on your
costume. I have to change again. This

looks ridiculous without a blazer. Now
that you've opened the door, I'm not

crazy about those pants either.

Really? Is it the cut or the color?

Ah, who am I talking to?

It's the fabric. It doesn't fit right.

Dad, you can't just go changing my
opinions.

I gave you your mind. I can change it.

Could you guys wrap this up? We're
leaving as soon as I'm dressed. Hang on

minute, Stephanie. This was a teachable
moment.

Who cares?

teaching, she has to go to school.

Who needs teaching when Dad can just
tell me what to think? I've just got a

old empty head waiting to be filled with
all of your great thoughts.

What should I be thinking now, Dad?

You should be thinking I need to cancel
my weekend plans because I just talked

crazy to my father.

Fine. But I'm still going to print my
original paper from before you dadified

it.

Giving up your principles is unethical,
young lady. And when you print it up, I

want to go over it with you line by
line, no matter how long it takes. No

how long it takes?

Charlie, if you can't help me with the
kids, at least don't make it worse. I am

helping. I'm helping Gabby with her
homework, like you told me to.

Okay, well, while she's printing that
out, can you help deal with Jane's

costume? I'm a man. I don't multitask.

What? I saw it in one of your magazines.

Apparently, I do one thing at a time,
and I do it very well.

Right now, I'm teaching my daughter
ethics.

Right now, you're just sitting here
blowing out hot air.

Charlie? This is supposed to be my
happy, on -time, looking great with my

morning. But here I am, turning into a
Yelly Monster.

Oh, come on, honey. You are not being
Yelly Monster. Oh, shut up, Charlie! You

don't know me!

All right, James, we gotta make this
fast. We ruined all of our earliness,

now we're running late. Here, put these
on. I need to be taller, not friendless.

Lincoln was very unpopular in his time,
so this worked. Well, and that were

indeed.

And beards are supposed to be fluffy and
jolly, not flat and two -ply.

But we've got to make do with what we've
got, and what we've got is no time.

Okay, but I thought we could use these
cotton balls and glue.

You've had that the entire time?

Yes. And based on how nuts you're
getting, I should have led with that

information.

I'm not getting nuts.

I'm fine.

Now, you just glue all these cotton
balls together, and I'll paint them with

this black shoe polish.

Obviously, the last idiot to use this
didn't screw the top on all the way.

Idiot? Or highly intelligent individual
who was trying to prank his sister and

got distracted by chocolate cake?

That's fine.

I'll just change out of my favorite but
now ruined silk blouse and sweater.

I mean, it really got in there.

You know, James...

Honey, where's the shoe polish?

This is black. I need brown.

You know what, Dad?

I was rereading your changes to my
essay, and I think I'm going to turn in

version after all. Glad you finally
realized that sacrificing your

wrong. Dad, please. Your opinion is
totally lame. But you used way fancier

than me. I mean, ergo, I'm so getting an
A.

What? Gabby, let's go. Okay.

You've got your morning hat downstairs,
right? Because you've got the black gunk

in your hair.

Gabby, you can't turn in someone else's
paper just to get an A. Did you forget

when you ordered me to?

No, no, no, no, no. Don't turn this
around on me. I was making you a better

person. And now I'll get a better grade,
which will get me into a better

college, which will make me a better
person.

Ergo.

Hashtag thanks, Dad.

You're not even using ergo correctly.

A popsicle sandwich?

Not a chance.

If you're worried about it melting, I
got that covered.

Freeze it back, baby.

Peanut butter, baby.

Go.

Mom, why did you stop him?

Because I don't like him up in my
business, so I try to stay out of his

business.

This is a happy morning. We will
remember as happy. Right, Aaron?

Aaron, why are you spreading peanut
butter on your hand?

We used up all the bread.

All right, let's see what we've got.

Um, what about carrot and string cheese?

That's not a lunch.

Meatloaf I made last night?

Come on.

Uh, pickles and yogurt?

What am I, pregnant?

Just tell the cafeteria to heat up
whatever this is.

What if I don't like it? You better like
it.

with you I have three kids I have to
take to school every day but apparently

can't do it without turning into a
yelling monster sweetheart kids are slow

yelling gets them in gear when I was a
kid you never yelled in the morning

yelled I raised you I

Perner's secret to an easy morning.

Please, tell me.

Cookies.

Cookies.

Cookies.

When you were little, I used to tell you
if you were in that car in one minute

flat, there'd be a treat on the seat.

You bribed me with food?

That's the worst parenting move I've
ever heard.

Good. So you don't remember how a potty
trained you.

Heck, did you potty train me?

Never mind.

You know where to go, and you'll never
forget it.

Come on, everybody. Let's go.

Not so fast, Gabby.

I'm not going to let you turn in my
version.

You'll turn in your original paper.

I can't. You saved your version over my
original document.

I what now?

Deal with it.

Tell the teacher the computer broke.

You want me to lie to my ethics teacher?

Ignore the irony. Go to school.

Erin, what are you doing with my
leftover lobster Thermidor?

So that's what's in here. I knew we had
lobster.

No, no, no, no, no. I have lobster.

And you're buying lunch.

James!

Now you're Obama on a Saturday.

Everyone in the car.

Don't forget your latte.

Oh, yes. Thank you, thank you.

I left the lid loose in case you wanted
some sweetener.

But I see you don't.

That's okay.

I'm not even going to change.

I am just going to grab my failure coat
and drive everyone to school.

Your heel broke. I know that.

Before these.

Great. The loser boots.

They go with my failure coat.

And now all I need is my sad hat.

Here it is, Stephanie.

All I wanted was one morning where I
didn't go crazy. But did I get it? Did I

get it? Huh? Huh? Of course I didn't.
Because I...

And I don't care!

If you really don't care, I kind of need
to charge my phone.

I have to make a quick diary. And if I'm
going to be weak as Obama, I need my

presidential high tops.

Yelly monster.

You don't say I told you so.

But I did.

I just remembered, I don't need to be
president until tomorrow.

Just because you take him to school
doesn't mean you have to pick him up.

Come on, guys, let's go. We're running
late.

Coming. Everybody got everything?

Are the cookies in the glove box? Why
don't you get in the car and find out?

Those shoes with bad jackets? You're
braver than me.

I have to change my shoes.