All language subtitles for Instant Mom s02e11 My Stupid Sweet Sixteen

So, Mom sent me a birthday present from
Mozambique. She said it symbolizes

feminine strength. It made her think of
me.

The resemblance is uncanny.

Especially around the face area.

16th birthday. So exciting.

Any idea what you want to do on your big
day? Go out for teppanyaki.

Really? Yeah, that's what we always do.
I love if I chop the food up and cook it

right in front of you.

Are you sure that's what you want to do,
Gabby, for your 16th birthday?

And I was thinking this year maybe Noah
can join us?

No, but it's our family place. It's just
for the five of us. And Grandma Maggie.

And whatever two strangers they put at
our table.

Dad?

Fine. He can come.

But he sits on the end with the
strangers.

Thanks, Dad.

Charlie. What?

I relented.

No, clearly she wants a surprise party.

Where do you get that out of teppanyaki?

I got that out of duh.

Nobody wants some lame family dinner for
their sweet 16. Hey, there's nothing

lame about yaki. Yeah, it's like a food
tornado. Meat noodles flying all over

the place.

She can have that at home. I can make
meat and noodles fly around.

We know. We all remember the linguine on
the ceiling incident.

That's how you test if it's done.

So then Gabby walks in, and everyone
screams, Surprise!

Are you really explaining surprise
parties to me?

I wasn't sure you knew how they worked,
since you never gave me one.

Oh, here we go again.

I told you why I never gave you one.
Because I was busy raising you.

And it's a stupid thing.

It's not stupid.

It's fun.

Oh, it's a whole lot of hassle for five
seconds of woo, woo, woo.

Just tell her it's happening and let her
plan it with you. No, I am not going to

deny Gabby what you denied me. I am
going to parent better than you did.

Parent better than I did?

I'm just saying I've gotten pretty good
at this.

Well, then we are going to do it your
way. Your better parent way.

Thank you. Can I put you down for hors d
'oeuvres? No.

Tiny food makes my hands look big.

But I tell you what.

I'll do the invitations.

That way Gabby won't see them laying
around. Good thinking. You do the

I'll handle the food.

Hey, I'm home.

Hey, guys.

You doing some kind of retirement party?

No.

Why would you say retirement party?

Because it's in a banquet hall and
there's a waffle station.

This doesn't sound like a cool party.
Nothing I think was cool. The waffles

fun toppings.

My grandmother loves toppings.

But not caramel because her teeth come
out. Remember that time we gave her

kettle corn and she was all, this kettle
corn is just so delicious.

Did you hear that?

Mm -hmm.

They're mean to that grandmama.

have when she sees what we got her.

This car only cost me 50 bucks, plus
another 50 to have it brought here by

flatbed. You know it's a quality vehicle
when it's delivered on top of another

vehicle.

And the best part, Gabby will owe me.
She'll have to drive me anywhere I want.

I got a business I want to get off the
ground.

Importing baby hippos.

Why would I do that? Nobody else is
doing it, we would own the hippo

and also, perhaps, a hippo.

I was thinking leftover pizza delivery.

Now I can't get your stupid hippo thing
out of my head.

But when I'm 12, we're doing it.

Forget that. Let's fire this baby up.

It's really quiet.

Is it electric?

Something's not right.

Dude, there's no engine.

Oh, right. I forgot.

On this car, the engine's in the back.

Now. Go ahead.

Dude, there's no engine.

I'll go get Gabby for you.

Wait. I'm picking out her birthday
present.

You know Gabby better than I'd like.

I got three awesome choices, but I need
help narrowing it down.

Here's number one.

Is that a snow cone machine?

Oh, you know it.

She loves her snow cones.

Yeah, once a year at the carnival. That
would be like getting her a corn dog

maker.

So much for number two. Here's number
three.

Gabby always wants shoes.

Not shoes that light up.

They'll keep her safe at night.

All right, fine.

What are you getting her?

Jar of dirt.

That's a band, right?

No. I dug up the spot where we met, and
I put it in a jar.

Gabby told me you two met at the gym.

Really? Then who did I...

Yeah, I'm going to need a whole new
gift.

Not until you help me figure out mine.

Noah, when did you get here?

Oh, a minute ago. I was just talking to
your dad about man issues.

And that's when you know it's time to
shave your head.

Maybe we'll take this manly discussion.

What's up with them?

What's up with you?

I thought you were going to ask me. Ask
your dad for a sweet 16 party. I don't

want to hurt his feelings.

We've been doing teppanyaki for my
birthday since I was five.

Oh, this isn't five. This is 16.

And I was going to use your party to get
my party. That's how I get everything I

have. That's how I got braces.

Sorry, I never needed reading glasses.

That's okay.

Lots of people don't go to college.

Oh, great. You guys are here.

Gabby, I have a question. If you did
want a dream party for your birthday,

would it be like?

My dream party?

Yeah.

It would be in a club. Of course. With a
DJ.

And maybe karaoke.

Yes, yes. And a photo booth with props
so we can be all, this is me in a

mustache. This is me in a hat. This is
me just looking fine. Okay.

Hold up there.

You don't photo bomb in a photo booth.

Yeah, that's how Gina Brown got a
concussion. Mm -hmm. She still has,

dent.

Okay. No photo bombing.

What else? What about mini chicken
tacos?

Yes, with mini guacamole and tiny salsa.
Oh, Gabby, this party's going to be so

good. Thank you. This is really
exciting.

Yay. My client is going to love it.

Hold up.

Did I just plan another girl's party?

Yep.

Now what are you going to do? Make
friends with that girl.

Because her party sounds great.

We can talk birthday presents in here.
Nobody comes in here because it's

cluttered with a car I've never seen.

Ooh, this is a classic.

And this classic can be yours for $200.

And you can customize it. For example,
add an engine if you'd like.

You bought a car?

Why? How?

No, back to why.

It was supposed to be a present for
Gabby, except it doesn't run.

But it does have two trunks, so score.

Now we have this worthless piece of junk
in our garage.

What's the plan to get it out of here?

You'll make something.

Me?

Hey, I'm the kid. I make the problem.
It's the parent's job to find the

solution.

Yeah, that's democracy.

You gotta admit.

If this thing was working, it'd be a
pretty sweet gift. I bet you can get an

engine down at a salvage yard and drop
it right in.

Maybe you could.

Well, I could.

I'm pretty handy with a wrench.

I mean, if I could afford it, I'd even
fix it up so it'd stay for her to drive.

I'm pretty handy with a credit card.

Maybe we work together.

So, wait.

We're giving Gabby a car?

Like, you and me?

I think so.

Of course, we'll have to keep it on the
low -low if we want to make it part of

the surprise.

Pretty cool they're using low -low, Dr.
Phillips.

Loose lips sink ships.

And you're back.

I can't wait to see the look on Gabby's
face when she sees her party. I can't

wait to see the look on Gabby's face
when she sees her car.

Only two more days. Are we the best
parents ever?

Not yet, but we will be.

Surprise!

By the way, did your mom ever throw you
a surprise party?

Every year.

My mama loved me.

And that's when I told Aaron, you know,
it's time to shave your head.

Oh, hey, Gabby.

Okay, I've been thinking maybe I would
like a sweet 16 party.

Oh, I wish you would have said something
earlier.

It's impossible to put together a party
in two days.

It doesn't have to be big.

Well, maybe we could... No, we can't.

I'm just saying that we... No!

Teppanyaki is our tradition.

It's what we do.

It's who we are. It's half the reason I
married into this family.

Steak and chicken cooked right at our
table.

With a stranger at the end.

Dad!

Sorry, honey.

Teppanyaki is who we are.

Fine. Forget it.

But when they sing happy birthday in
Japanese...

Maybe this party shouldn't be a surprise
anymore.

It has to be. We are going to give her
the magic I never had. I'm not so sure

that's what she wants. She looks so
upset.

Charlie, she's fine. If she was really
upset, you'd know it.

Don't mind me.

Just filling the hole in my heart with
ice cream.

Rocky Road.

Because it describes the first 16 years
of my life.

Sad news about the party tonight.

Ain't nobody gonna be there.

The party's in five hours. You said we
got a ton of RSVPs.

Oh, yeah. The club's gonna be packed
next Saturday.

That's the date I put on the invites.

What? Mom!

Maggie, this is Gabby's big day. You
know how important this is.

You only had one job.

Actually, I had two.

You also asked me to get the balloons.

Do you want me to get the balloons?

I told you surprise parties were a whole
lot of hassle.

It wasn't a hassle until you screwed up
the invitation.

Now help me get some people there.

I am. I am.

Hello? Hey, baby.

You want to go to a party?

Mother, what are you doing?

You never RSVP'd.

We've called everybody.

There's the birthday girl.

How does it feel being 16?

A little older, a little wiser, a little
more forgiving.

What's there to forgive? I really wanted
a party, but nope, mm -mm. I get to

watch Dad try to eat fried rice with his
hands while James pokes me with the

chopsticks no one knows how to use.

Where could we find people socially lame
enough to be available at the last

minute on a Saturday night?

Ooh, Charlie's got friends.

And you'd call some friends of yours.

What about that guy Kevin you go to the
movies with? Kevin Spake.

I made him up so I could go to the
movies by myself.

What? You're always yelling at the
screen.

Only when they shouldn't go in there.

Charlie, this party is a bust.

Don't worry.

When Gabby sees this card, she's not
even going to be thinking about a party.

But the party was my gift.

This is from you guys.

No, it's from everybody.

Really?

Can I sign the card?

Of course, but write small because it's
really from us.

Deal.

You guys are going to paint it, right?
Because I don't want my name on

that looks like this.

I was thinking we could let Gabby pick
the color before we paint it.

I was thinking the same thing.

You know, loathe as I am to admit it,
I'm starting to like you.

Thanks, Dr. Phillips.

Building this car has been so much fun.

I think I might want to become a
mechanic.

Maybe open my own garage.

Gabby can work out front selling gum and
lotto tickets.

And you're back.

Aaron, this guy is a serious buyer, so
be cool.

Got it. Come and buy the missing engine,
get the money, and don't even count it.

Other than get the money, that's
completely wrong.

Say nothing.

It's right in here, mister. The car of
your dreams.

So it's 150 cash, and it's... As is.

Yeah, no backseat and no parentheses
either, so don't check.

You know, with a little TLC, I think
this car is going to be perfect for my

daughter. She's got her sweet 16 coming
up.

Thank you, boys.

Smell that.

That's the smell of a quick $50 profit.

How is he going to get it out of here
with no engine?

Not a problem. That's why the legal
system invented no backseat.

I fixed up the car. It was supposed to
be a surprise.

The word surprise is really not working
out for this family.

Gabby's whole birthday is ruined.

We'll just have to tell her what we
tried to do and hope she'll forgive us.

Okay, but let's not mention the car.

If Gabby hears car, all I'll ever hear
is car.

It'll be like living with a teenage
parrot.

I can't believe this.

I put a lot of work into that thing.

And I put in a lot of money. Well, one
of you could have told me you put in an

engine.

You said getting rid of it was not your
problem. If you're going to be lazy,

commit.

Robbie, whoa.

This is all I have to show for my
birthday.

Can you take it off? We have to tell you
something.

I can't find one.

person on earth willing to come to
Gabby's party. What?

Oops.

What party?

You know that party I was throwing for
that other girl?

It was actually for you.

Surprise!

Wait, so I am having a party? Yes, but
here's the thing. Due to a mix -up on

invitations, no one's coming.

Surprise!

I have a lot of emotions right now.

Here, be her rock.

Hey, babe.

So, happy birthday.

That's all you got?

Okay, let me get this straight.

You're throwing me the party of my
dreams, but no one's coming?

Gabby, we are so sorry this didn't work
out. We really wanted to make your

turning 16 special, something you'd
always remember.

Oh, I'll remember this.

The birthday, I got nothing.

Nothing? You got a whole club full of
something.

Oh, it was going to be in a club?

And it still is.

Stephanie worked her butt off trying to
get this party together for you. She

even got you that tiny food that you
wanted. And a tiny photo booth.

No, I think that's regular size.

The point is, Stephanie did all of this
for you. And

it is only an empty party if we don't
all show up.

You did all that?

Let's go to my party. You can even dance
with your old dad.

And your boyfriend.

Yeah, but me first.

Well,

here we are.

Party of your dreams.

I hope that DJ has some Luther Vandross.

Hey. Hey, mini taco guy.

Don't just make eye contact and walk
away.

I still don't know how all this
happened.

Wizards.

So.

Surprise!

Wait. You faked the whole invitation
crisis?

Why?

Because you wouldn't shut up about me
never surprising you.

So now that I have, shut up.

Are you kidding?

This is the best day of my life. Are you
going to do this for my birthday?

Well, don't tell me. I want it to be a
surprise.

But, like, do it.

That was the best party ever.

Wait a minute.

Where's Stephanie?

Stop doing that.

I'm sorry.

I just love surprises so much. And I
loved that party. I loved it, too. I

stuffed 23 tacos in my mouth at once.

And seven in my pocket.

That was a great night, all things
considered.

We didn't even need to give Gabby that
car.

Give Gabby a what now?

No, no, no. No, no. Come on, Dad.