All language subtitles for Instant Mom s02e06 James Goes Pro

Oh, my phone.

Oh, I missed you. Did you miss me? Who
do I love more than anyone else in the

world?

Hello.

Boyfriend in the doorway.

Stepmom on the couch.

Who am I kidding? I'm not even in the
top three.

Hey, Steph, my history teacher is making
us live like medieval peasants all day.

No technology, no modern conveniences.
Can you sign this form saying that I

haven't used any electronics at home?

I'm on your phone right now, just
shooting you a reminder text.

I knew you couldn't do it.

What does that mean?

It means you're the girl who comes home
from school, does a wardrobe change, and

watches three episodes of Beverly Hills
Hair.

Then you text Molly about Beverly Hills
Hair until it's time to Skype with Molly

about Beverly Hills Hair.

Why are you coming after Beverly Hills
Hair? It's people trying to get along in

a hair shop, which is not easy.

I'm just saying, Gabby likes her stuff.

What?

I'm materialistic? I'm sorry, were you
saying something?

I was distracted by all those bracelets
you're wearing.

I am so not materialistic, and I'll
prove it. I'll go without modern

all night.

All week, in fact.

Oh, yeah, I'd like to see that. Well,
you're about to see that. You're about

watch me go medieval on your butt.

Oh, good for you, Gabby. In fact, let's
go buy you some new leather boots. Get

you into character.

Nay, good woman.

I am but a peasant.

I fashion my simple footwear out of
skins and rags.

But when this is over, I shall accept
those boots and that motorcycle jacket

which I have been emailing you.

Stephanie, got a minute? We need to have
a little talk. Sure.

Great. I want to make this easy for you,
so I wrote down your part, and Aaron is

going to do it instead.

Yes, holding up my end of a conversation
is pretty exhausting, so thank you,

Aaron. No problem. I got you back.

Stephanie and or Dad.

This weekend is the WizardCraft Pro
Tournament Semifinals.

WizardCraft Pro Tournament? I never
heard of such a thing.

It's the championship of my favorite
video game and my favorite pro team, The

Clash, is in the semifinals. Pro video
game team?

I'm an adult. I don't understand what
that is.

Allow me to explain.

Professional video gamers, the best
players in the world, will be competing

tournament here this weekend.

Right here in Philadelphia?

What are the odds?

I know.

And since pro gaming is what I plan to
do for a living, I want to go see it.

Think of it as a career day. All I need
is a parent and or step -parent to take

me there.

But aren't the tickets very expressive?

Expensive.

But, no, I'll pay for it with money I
have saved up from doing chores.

Scams. Thank you.

Gosh, I think you have answers. all my
questions.

All right, Jean. I'll take you. What do
you mean, no? Why do you hate me?

Dude, she said yes.

Oh, here it is.

Thank you. You are a wonderful father
and or addition to the family.

that this child is eating weeds with her
hands.

We do not. She's trying to prove a point
to Noah. We've had two days of foraging

and not showering.

I am but a simple medieval peasant, and
I am afraid of your magic rain machine.

Hey, Dad. Hey, Grandma Maggie. Hey,
Peasant Gabby.

What ails you, boy?

You know how I'm like the LeBron James
of cakeball?

It never came up, but continue.

A new giant kid in my class named Darren
Mockler.

He just transferred from, I'm guessing,
the Army.

Now everyone wants him to be on their
team.

Oh, well, maybe you can be the LeBron
James of dodgeball?

Nope. Darren Mockler can knock out six
kids in one shot.

They change the name of the game from
Dodgeball to Bronner comes Darren

He is the best at everything. He is not
the world's best grandson.

T -shirt that says so.

I need a popsicle.

Hey, guys. We're back.

Best day ever.

How was my tournament?

Oh, that's still going on.

And on it, and on it, and on it.

You should have been there, Dad. I got
discovered. They want me to... be a

professional video game player. I
thought you were there just to watch.

You know how at basketball games they
bring down fans for shooting contests?

James got called down to play
Wizardcraft. He was incredible.

Everybody was cheering.

So I got like a 30 life base and then I
used a water storm and these fist rolls

attack so I freezed them up with like a
free fist spell.

And I got this.

Zachary Fumigant, manager.

He runs my favorite team, The Clash.

He wants to talk to us about James going
pro.

Oh!

No!

Charlie, this guy thinks James has real
talent.

Real talent at a fake thing.

Being a professional video game player
is like being a professional... Football

player, baseball, tennis. Stop me when I
overprove my point.

This is just a bunch of kids trying to
justify playing video games all day. No,

I was there. It's legit.

There were teams and commentators and
sponsors. It was amazing.

It must be generational.

You must be generational. I want to play
video games.

True. Video games might not be our
thing, but they are James' thing, and

thing should be supporting his thing.

Can somebody please reason with that
peasant child in there?

She's talking about stoning me for
wearing pants.

James, there's my golden ticket.

Doc. Doctor and Mrs. Phillips, it is
great to meet you. I'm Zach Fumigant.

You're the manager?

Be cool, Dad. It's okay. I've heard it
all before.

Hey, kid, whose office is this? Hey,
kid, how can you afford a $20 ,000

This is all very hip and snazzy, but
what exactly do you do here?

My dad doesn't think pro gaming is real.

So you must be the cool parent.

Guilty.

But we do have some concerns.

Which part concerns you more, the all
-expense -paid global travel or the

earnings that he's going to put into his
college fund?

See, Dad, college. That wasn't even on
my radar, but now it's a definite maybe.

How will this affect his daily routine?

He'll go to school, he'll practice a
bit, go play in a few tournaments,

a few products, but, I mean, for the
most part, he's just going to be a

kid. Please, Dad?

Well, this seems kind of real.

Remember, our thing is supporting their
thing.

Sure. We can give it a shot.

I can do it?

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Great. I will email a contract to your
lawyer, and when you're ready to sign

you just scroll down to the bottom and
click accept.

I can sign a whole contract with just
one click? I feel so old -fashioned.

That makes you feel old -fashioned?

You have a flip phone.

You really want to go there right now? I
do not.

James, do you know the capital of
Arkansas?

Nope, but I do know the capital of I've
got the best job on the planet.

It's right here on this sofa.

I wish I was on the sofa.

This is a whole new world for me, Aaron.
Today at school, two girls usually walk

by me and giggle.

Did not giggle.

Give me some of that veggie jerky I'm
endorsing.

Bet you hated that stuff.

Yeah, but veg out is a major sponsor.

That's how they have to learn to like
it.

Want to fight the gag reflex?

Goes down pretty smooth.

You know who has no gag reflex?

That new kid in my class, Darren Mogler.
He can eat a whole sandwich without

chewing.

Peanut butter!

All I'm saying is... is I waited at the
library for an hour.

You could have just texted me if you
were going to be late.

I sent forth an owl.

Did it not find you?

All right. I think you're going a little
overboard here. Can Gabby teleport back

to the present? What is the time travel
you speak of?

Have you come down with a black death?
Your mind is all a fever.

If you weren't so cute, I'd break up
with you right now.

All right, Charlie. I have a meeting
with a client. I'll be back for dinner.

Well, you have to take me to my sponsor
event. That's today.

Charlie, can you take him? Nope, I've
got rounds.

Can you switch with someone? I had to
take him to that game signing yesterday.

Well, I had to drive him to three
practices this week. Yeah, well, I had

thumb wrestle him for an hour to build
up his dexterity. I went from French

to no tips.

Sorry, babe.

Remember, their thing is our thing.
Well, right now, that's your thing.

Sit up straight, buddy. Winners don't
slouch.

You're a lean, mean... troll -killing
machine.

Are you crying?

There's no crying in video games.

No, I'm fighting under the light.

Well, either way, wipe your face because
you're shining.

Okay, just a couple more and we are
done.

With this part.

Now go ahead and change for promos.

Zach, you said a few quick pictures. You
guys have been shooting for five hours.

What did you need all that other stuff
for?

The fans love behind -the -scenes
content.

It makes the players seem like real
people.

James is real people. Real people need
sleep. The boy's exhausted.

Zach, this is too much. You promised us
he would stay a normal kid.

Hello? I can't see any security's
computer glasses.

Let me know if I'm about to bump into
anything.

You better not bump into anything. Those
glasses are a highly complex internet

-connected machine.

It's like having two computer screens
right in front of your eyes.

These stupid glasses won't stop checking
email in front of my face.

Oh, I got some more spam from Grandma
Maggie.

The subject line is kitten in a watering
can.

Okay,

this one's adorable.

Zach, how is he supposed to walk when he
can't see the person in front of him?

He can if he feeds your face through the
recognition software.

I tried. It's not working.

It thinks Dad's someone named Blair
Underwood.

Ooh, dare to dream.

Honey, maybe we should rethink this
whole pro -gaming business.

I know, Charlie, but we can't take this
away from James. He's loving every

minute of it. I hate this. I want to
quit.

You want to quit?

Are you sure? I thought this was your
dream. My dream was playing video games

and not having to work.

This is work.

These people are ruining fun.

Okay, James, go upstairs and change out
of those ridiculous clothes. You look

like a robot jockey.

No. I'm going to put these glasses back
on here and get back and do some promos.

If James doesn't want to do this, he
doesn't have to do this. Yes, he does.

You guys clicked accept on a contract
which is binding.

So, why don't you buck up and let's
start taping some promos.

Okay, so hold the product.

Read the copy.

Hi, I'm pro video gamer James Phillips,
and I love George Washington's Wild

Wings, a revolutionary taste in chicken
parts.

So tender, you can eat them with wooden
teeth.

Hey, hold it up, buddy. Can't talk. That
says I'm contractually obligated to

play four more hours.

I'm here with you all the way.

Until my bedtime.

20 minutes.

I'm starving, too.

You want some more veggie jerky? No, I
can't eat any more of that.

I'd kill for something sweet.

Oh, man, you know who makes the best
brownie? That new kid, Darren Mockler.

Oh, is he talking about that Darren
Mockler kid again?

You'd be talking about him, too, if
you'd seen his series of watercolors.

You got my swag.

That depends. Did you take care of my
chores?

Did the dishes? Took out the trash.

What about the report?

Five pages on Switzerland.

Ought to be about a B+. What am I, the
guy that just covered Switzerland?

Knock it down to a C.

That ought to do it.

Now where's my swag bag?

And there better be some Washington Wing
gift cards in it.

And then ladies' night on Thursday, and
I'm sick of footing the bill. Check

comes, and all of a sudden, folks can't
remember what they ordered.

Now I wake up to science fair coming up.
You know how to make a volcano?

You know how to endorse a red
convertible?

I don't want to endorse anything, but
Dad's lawyer says my contract is

unbreakable. Oh, that's tough, man.

You want to play a little zombie frog
instead?

Take your mind off of it? I got 15 more
minutes.

No, I can't.

Zach says most thumb injuries occur when
you're playing for fun.

You mean he won't even let you play for
fun?

Who does that to a 12 -year -old kid?

You want me to twist this guy's arm by
which I may rip it off and break his

knees with it?

Let's call that plan B.

In the meantime, I'll come up with plan
A.

I could convince that to let you out of
your contract.

Darren Mockler?

No.

Okay, yeah.

He's just so charming.

I know they didn't have cars in medieval
times, but do we really have to walk

all the way to the mall? Which, I should
point out, they also didn't have.

It is but a large village market, and I
yearn to pay homage to the Queen of

Derry.

I gotta get something for my headache.

Oh, gotcha.

You can't. They didn't have pills back
then.

I know.

That's why I'm using the leeches.

Nothing like a little blood letting to
cure all that ails me.

Leeches?

Are you kidding me, Gabby? Hey, when I
face a challenge, I meet it. And when

say it, I can't do it, I go get me some
leeches.

No, no, no, stop, stop.

You are a proud, confident woman. I hear
you roar.

And? And you can do anything.

And?

And I was wrong.

You're not a slave to materialism.

That's all I needed to hear. Good.

No, stop!

Gummy worms.

I'm 15 in Philadelphia. Where am I going
to get leaders? Come here.

Come on. Black cherry. It's good.

This will be beautiful.

I'll use your phone to record Zach
threatening to exploit kids for

gain. Then we tell him we'll go public
unless he lets James out of his

Really, Charlie?

Extortion? That's your idea?

It's not extortion. It's blackmail. And
it's my idea.

Really, Charlie? We're listening to
James' idea?

I'm sure done listening to you, Miss
Their Thing, Our Thing.

Zach's here. Everybody be cool.

All right, for this to work, someone's
got to let him in.

I am so glad you guys called.

So now let's talk about getting Jimbo's
head back in the game.

Jimbo prefers to be called James.

We just landed a James who seems a
little more James -y.

So we're calling you Jimbo.

Actually, Zach, we called you here to
tell you that our 12 -year -old son,

James, will not be working for you
anymore, no matter what you threaten us

But hypothetically, what would some of
those threats be?

To you for everything you have?

Starting with this house. I kind of like
this house.

Okay. Say we give in. How many hours a
day will our poor son, James, have to

work? It's not work. No, no, no. Tell it
to Charlie.

And enunciate.

It's not work.

It's fun.

And it's contractually obligated to have
35 hours of fun a week.

But I have school.

What kind of organization would take me
away from something I love so dear?

Well, that is why it's 35 hours.

Once school's out, we'll bump you right
up to 60.

Well, that sounds illegal.

Oh, it's downright criminal.

As is this.

By the way, you never even hit record.
You just took a selfie of your pocket.

I hate technology.

So, do I still have a last name, or is
Jimbo like Beyonce?

Guys, this is Darren Moffler. Whoa, he
is tall.

I know.

I beat everyone at everything.

Can't help it.

I was just teaching Darren Wizardcraft.
He defeated the golden dragon on his

first try, and he was a pick.

You did that as a pixie your first time
playing?

Have you ever thought about going pro?

I guess you should talk to my manager.

That's me.

Seriously, how are you a manager?

How are you a manager?

My dad invented Wizardcraft.

Oh.

If you want Darren Monk, you're going to
need to make a trade for him. A trade?

Yeah, I want all the ice cream I can
carry. Darren Monk.

Oh, right, and I'm on dicks.

Let's go talk to your parents.

Kids got thumbs like tree trunks.

Bro, you saved me. I thought I was going
to be forced to play video games for

the rest of my life. How horrible would
that be?

You want to play zombie frogs?

Uh, yeah.

Glad we got out of that mess.

You know, Charlie, this was really your
fault.

My fault? For supporting my thing about
supporting their thing.

You know, if you weren't so cute, I'd
break up with you right now.

I know you don't believe Darren Malka
can be better than everybody at

everything, but just taste this brownie
he made. That way you can see for

yourself what's your mouth.

It's not my best batch.

You didn't have any truffle oil in the
pan.

Little boy, I have had a brownie in
every state

of the Union and Puerto Rico. So, don't
think that

you are going to impress me with some...