All language subtitles for Instant Mom s02e05 Teachers Pest

Okay, how do I look?

Like you went shopping in my shopping
bags?

Turn around.

Yeah, I'm gonna look good when I get to
wear that.

Hey, I need to bring the heat. It's the
first day of sophomore year.

Molly and I are gonna be a part of the
coolest clique in school as soon as we

figure out which one that is.

Here's a clue. If they're willing to
take you, keep looking.

If I eat your overpriced onion garbage,
can I take one of these cupcakes?

James, I told you. Anything in a pink
box is for my party planning business.

Then I'd like to hire you for a party in
my stomach. I'll need one cupcake,

please.

Boy, close the fridge.

I hate the first day of school.

No more kids around to do all my fun
stuff with.

Dad. There was nothing fun about that
civil war auction.

Oh, no?

You grabbed my bidding paddle awfully
fast when they brought out that cannon.

Because I wanted to buy it, climb in,
and shoot myself home.

Why are you complaining about the first
day of school?

I'm the one who got stuck with Mr. Shank
for history.

No way. You got Shank?

He gets more homework than any teacher
in school.

Well, seventh grade isn't the time when
you're supposed to buckle down and start

hitting the book.

Okay, I heard your backshot, Dad. What
do you got there?

Well, if the workload really gets to be
too much for you, I guess I can talk to

him. You talk to a teacher?

Have we learned nothing from third
grade?

All right, last year, Mrs. Gosnold and I
had our differences. You killed our

class rabbit.

That was one of them. And you knocked
out her front teeth playing parent

-teacher dodgeball.

Mrs. Gosnold knew what she was getting
into. She was getting into our car.

That's nice. That's nice. I like it. I
like it.

Stephanie, you said one quick picture
and you'd be gone. Why aren't you gone?

Huh. I went to school with a girl named
Donna Dreyfuss.

But there is no way my Donna Dreyfuss is
a fourth grade teacher.

Student, maybe.

She was dumb as a stump. We used to call
her Donna Doofus.

Great story.

Bye.

She always wanted to fight me.

She told me to meet her at the flagpole
at three, but she wouldn't show up till

four because she couldn't tell time.

I can, and it's time to go.

That girl was dumb.

That girl is here.

That's Donna Doofus.

Stephanie Turner?

Donna Dryfield?

What a surprise.

It's Stephanie Phillips now. Look at
you, married.

And look at you.

grade i'm the teacher can you believe it
no i really can't and who is this

young man i'm walter the class orphan
this is aaron my stepson well aaron your

stepmom and i used to go to school
together look how far we've come and

far ben franklin's come apparently he's
been promoted to president You know

what? I just realized I left my lesson
plan in the teacher's lounge. I do that,

like, all the time.

Finn Franklin, welcome with two L's.
She's still a doofus.

Don't worry, Erin.

I'm going to fix it.

Hi, I'm Walter, and I'm all alone in the
world.

Now remember, joining the right clique
will set the tone for the rest of high

school. And whatever we choose, we stay
together.

Deal? Deal.

Woo!

I know exactly what we should do.

Acapella. Too perky.

Let's go goth. I want to join a clique,
not a coven.

We're in this to make friends.

Goths are very friendly.

They do blood oaths.

I don't want to sing. I don't want to
bleed.

How about theater?

No, you know I can't memorize.

Debate team? You have to memorize your
argument.

Nuh -uh.

I don't march.

Environmental club?

Newspaper? I don't hug trees and print
media is dead.

Well, why don't we just join the Gabby's
Too Good for Everything Club and do

nothing?

Why don't you join the Shut Up Club and
shut up?

Well, why don't you just... And you
wanted to join debate.

You know what?

I'm going to join acapella.

Fine. I'm going to join the gods. Fine.
But don't come to me. me when you need

someone to sing at your goat sacrifice.

You don't sing, you chant.

Good golly, it's fun.

Not now, James.

Okay. Later, Gabe.

It's here.

It's here, it's here.

I finally have my very own tourniquet
from the Civil War.

That makes it worth more.

In that case, I have good news about the
couch.

Don't you get it?

This is living history.

Well, history's killing me.

First day of school, Mr. Shank assigns
me, and only me, an extra report on

War II.

Really? Just you?

Congratulations, buddy. You're his
project.

What is that, and how do I get out of
it? You can't.

Every year, Shank picks one slacker to
turn into the perfect student by

him with extra work.

Your life is going to be a total
nightmare.

This really is going to be my year.

So, what did you do to Mr. Shank to
become his project?

Nothing. He just started talking about
the Battle of the Bulge.

And maybe I giggled.

James, those who don't learn from
history are doomed to repeat it in

school. Mr. Shank said the exact same
thing. You guys should hang out. See who

puts who to sleep first.

I'll bet we'd stay awake forever because
history is anything but boring.

For instance, the Battle of the Bulge
was one of the biggest...

What? I'm 12.

It's gonna happen.

Sorry to barge in, Miss... Gosnold?

Oh, goody. A reunion.

You're the principal now?

What happened to Mrs. Brannigan?

Well, she was able to retire.

I, on the other hand, needed to keep my
dental.

Hey, the new teeth look totally real.
And in my defense, I did say heads up.

Duck would have been more helpful.

Let me guess, you have a problem with
Aaron's teacher.

Well, I've heard good things about the
other fourth grade teachers, and maybe

Aaron could get one of them.

Well, I've heard good things about the
other fourth grade parents. Maybe Aaron

could get one of them.

Look, I don't want to be a problem mom.

Really? And you can say that to me with
a straight face.

Okay, okay, I'm the worst. Fine.

I just want Aaron transferred to another
class.

Oh, that won't be possible. The other
fourth grade teachers drew longer

What? How do they even know about me?

You might have been the subject of our
teacher's retreat.

Meet my new favorite teacher, Mr. Shank.
Oh, hello.

Hello. Sorry to intrude, but James
mentioned a Civil War collection and I

see it. Two grown men with a mutual
interest in military history?

Dare I say bromance?

What are you up to?

I just figured you could use someone to
share your hobbies of sadness.

Oh, look at you, thinking of old dad.

So, fellow Civil War buff, are you a
collector as well or just a fan?

Are you kidding?

I happen to have a bone saw from
Antietam in my car.

You want to see it? Did Robert E. Lee
surrender at Appomattox in 1865?

Was it on a postage stamp in 1965?

Why

are you

so happy? And what is Shank doing in our
house?

Because he's got a new BFF.

Which means I get the family homework
discount.

Yeah, that'll work. I have to go. I have
a cappella practice.

Is Molly picking you up? How much time
do I have? My hair is a mess.

Get over her, James. Molly's not picking
me up for this or anything ever again.

You can't break up with Molly. She's the
only good thing about you.

I would give anything to try this bone
saw out on a femur right now.

You're a doctor. Can't you get your
hands on one?

Well, I can't make any promises, but
I'll make a few phone calls.

You two have fun. I'll be upstairs
playing Puppets of Vengeance.

So you finished that extra report I
assigned you? I still have to do that?

Even though you're having the time of
your life with my dad?

What if I got you that femur?

Of course you have to do the report, and
to get your outline together, I can

give you some notes before I leave.

Well, if you have to give him notes,
maybe you'd like to stay for dinner. Was

that an invitation?

Was the Gettysburg Address elegant in
its simplicity?

talking, please.

Give this note to Aaron.

He already said he doesn't like you.
It's not from me. It's from Sasha.

Aaron, pass it.

I like Sasha.

Dude, I told you no.

He said we have to finish this before
lunch.

Thank you.

Okay, let's see what was more important
than long division.

Oh, looks like Aaron has a girlfriend.

I do not allow notepassing.

I didn't do it. Well, you can explain
that to me while you're standing in the

corner. I said I didn't do it, Ms.
Doofens.

But I did do that.

I can't believe I called my teacher
Doofens. I had to sit in the corner for

whole minutes.

You think you've got a problem.

Mr. Shank gave me extra reading so we
can discuss it when he comes over to see

Dad. Did you know there are three whole
books just about World War II?

Three? Dad has a show full of them.

What have I done?

Okay, next week is my first a cappella
performance with Earth, Wind, and Choir.

Listen to this.

Ready?

Five, six, seven, eight.

Quick question, what the?

You're not hearing the whole group
singing together. I'm just one part.

Is yours a part of the dying sea cow?

Gabby, what is this concert? Because I
think I have jury duty.

You guys have to hear everybody sing
together.

I'm just the yaws. There's another girl
who's like, oh, yeah.

And then a couple guys who are like,
bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum.

And then this girl Jackie gets all the
words.

You know who'd actually be interested in
listening to this?

Molly. Why don't you call her? I told
you, Molly and I broke up. We're not

talking. You don't have to talk, just
listen to her breathe. That's what I do.

I wish Dad and Mr. Shank weren't
talking.

I need to break them up.

Break them up like the Munich Agreement
broke up Czechoslovakia in 1938.

And why is this in my brain?

So, there wasn't any underwear in the
laundry this week.

Anybody want to tell me anything?

I do.

I called my teacher Miss Doofus.

Erin!

Do you think she knows she got that from
me? Just how dumb do you think she is?

Why would you say that?

Because you did in front of me. What
were you thinking?

My little brain just soaked things up.

Sorry, but don't worry. This year isn't
ruined yet. We'll find a way to make

things right with Miss Doofus.

We should probably start by not calling
her Miss Doofus.

Excellent point.

Plus, maybe a we're sorry gift.

Now, how does a 12 -year -old buy a
piece of a racehorse? Hey, I did

for somebody. Somebody did something for
me.

Charlie, put your hands in the air and
step away from the bakery boxes.

Those are all for my event.

But Les and I are hungry.

Besides, you got all these.

What about this one?

Hello.

It's for a bachelorette party.

Good.

That would be a funny way of saying it's
a boy.

At the Jefferson Davis Museum of the
Confederacy. Oh, hey, buddy. I was just

showing James this musket ball from the
Battle of Chickamauga.

It's very rare not to brag.

Get it?

Because the Confederate commander was...
Braxton Bragg!

You're right, Mr. Shank. Your collection
is way better than my dad's.

I didn't say that.

I said his is promising.

Promising? Ouch.

I think we all know what that means.

Dinky.

I think it's a little more than dinky.
It may not be extensive, but I have some

quality pieces. I believe my tourniquet
speaks for itself.

Yes, it does.

And it's saying Mr. Sank's collection is
a whole mess of cheap junk.

Cheap junk?

I guess you wouldn't know the difference
since you're still a newbie.

Newbie? That seems uncalled for.

Yes, I came late to collecting
tourniquets and saws, but that's because

busy using them to save people's lives.

Sounds like somebody's putting down
teachers for going home at 3 o 'clock

having the whole summer off.

Teaching isn't important?

How did you learn to be a surgeon? Oh,
right, from a teacher.

Boom! You got shanked.

You know what? I don't have to stand
here and take this. I'm seceding from

conversation, huh?

Oh!

Now, Mr. Saint, if somebody talked to me
like that, I would storm out of here,

hop into my set of civic, and keep going
till I hit the Mason -Dixon line.

Abraham Lincoln said a house divided
against itself cannot stand, and I, sir,

cannot stand your house.

You know what? I don't need a collecting
buddy like you.

Yeah! I have Jane.

No!

Missing Molly, huh?

Okay, don't tell your dad, but I am
going to sneak you one of my work

cheer you up.

Wait a minute. I'm missing a pink box.

Aaron took one to school to butter up
his teacher.

Please tell me it wasn't the box on the
bottom shelf.

He's little. He always takes what's on
the bottom.

Oh, no, no, no.

They're not supposed to learn about that
cake until the eighth grade.

Hey.

Hey.

I, uh, came by to collect some of my
things.

How's acapella?

They made me the ya -ya girl.

And I hate it. And I hate being goth.

I know that's supposed to be the point,
but I still hate it.

Let's both quit and join the Watching
Cute Boys Club.

Oh, what's that?

It's just us watching cute boys. I can
do that.

Sign me up.

I've got three of them, two blocks down.

Oh, I feel president. Why do you get to
be president?

Because I just like boys more. Yeah,
because I like boys more.

Okay,

everyone, settle down.

Please find your seats.

Oh, where did this come from?

I brought it just for you to stand.
Sorry.

going to do that name. Well, that is
very sweet of you, Erin. Thank you.

Where did you get this?

My stepmom. It was her idea.

Okay. Stephanie told you to give me this
cake? She wants you to know what kind

of mom she is.

Let's dig in.

Don't dig in.

There was a mix -up. I need this for
work. What sort of work do you do?

Stephanie, I'm trying to make her
wife... This won't do it. Give me the

It's for Miss Dreyfuss. You never should
have taken it.

The other teachers are

right. It is kind of funny when it's not
happening to you.

Donna, I am so sorry about the cake, the
nickname, just all of it. I just can't

believe you taught Aaron that nickname.

I guess some of us haven't grown up
since the fourth grade.

Okay. I deserve that. But for what it's
worth, I did tell Aaron that name before

I knew you were his teacher.

But why would you say that to any child?

It was so mean.

Here's the thing.

I'm a new mom.

I'm still making rookie mistakes.

Is there any way we can bury the
hatchet, start over, and give Aaron a

year?

Sure. Just...

Day clear of the bake sale.

Fair enough.

So are we good?

We're good.

Just real quick before I go.

Um, you do know that Ben Franklin wasn't
a president and that you don't spell

welcome with two L's?

You still think I'm a doofus.

Well, you did get left back once or
twice. It was once, and that was only

because they hadn't figured out that I
needed glasses.

And as for the welcome with two L's and
President Ben Franklin, those are

teaching tools. I deliberately put
mistakes around the classroom for the

students to catch.

Oh, smart.

Like the way you put Grover Cleveland up
there twice.

Oh, no, see, Cleveland is up there twice
because he was president two separate

times.

Please don't plug my kid.

The Northerners better win.

Don't worry. It's a reenactment.

They kind of make you stick to the
script.

Well, make sure you take the hill by 1
.30. I have a hair appointment.

So, I take it you made up with Mr.
Shank?

A shared love of history is a bond not
easily torn asunder.

Besides, the battle gives you free lunch
if you register as a group of three.

Wait. You, Shank, who's your three?