All language subtitles for Instant Mom s02e04 Children of the Candy Corn

Okay, ready to see your Halloween
costumes?

You're going at splattered entrails?

I'm Bacon, and you guys are gonna be
eggs!

We're trick -or -treating as a family
breakfast.

You're the jumbo egg. Jumbo?

Seriously? To a teenage girl?

You ain't that new here.

Bacon and eggs doesn't seem like a scary
costume. Come on, James!

you'll be high cholesterol.

That's the silent killer.

Ooh, I've come to stop your blood.

So, does this mean you're not doing a
thing on the porch this year? Oh, no, I

have to do that.

I'm going for first place on
NeighborhoodTrickOrTreat .com.

Oh, I came so close last year till the
Meharrys dressed up their little wiener

dog as a balloon animal.

So, I can't trick -or -treat with you,
but between doorbells, I'm up for

whatever you got.

What have you got?

Bobbing for apples, witch's ring toss,
and my favorite part of Halloween,

pumpkin carving.

All that and carving pumpkins?

Mind blown.

Darn right it's blown because this party
is going to be awesome. And of course

the evening will culminate with trick
-or -treating.

I don't know, Steph.

I have a big report due on
photosynthesis.

If I come to your party, I won't be able
to finish it.

I'm in.

You know what, Steph?

This sounds like fun.

I'll go as sexy egg, cut out the yolk,
show a little midriff, maybe some

fishnets. Forget about it. You're going
as a waffle.

Okay, sexy waffle.

Cut a couple squares, show a little
midriff, maybe some fishnets.

You know what? You're going as shut -in
teenage girl in a suit of armor. Hey,

cut through the chain mail, show a
little midriff.

Guess what I am?

An open -heart surgeon.

No, I'm an open -heart... Aw.

I love this costume.

I never get to have any fun with the
gory parts of my job.

It's always, stop playing with the
heart, he's running out of time.

Charlie, you terrify those trick -or
-treaters however you like. Just make

you pop in for the pumpkin carving. Oh,
can I use my scalpel?

You have to use one of these cute teeny
weeny pumpkin knives. They come with a

carving kit for a reason. Yeah, the
reason is they break and you have to buy

another kit.

Just get your butt on the porch, Mr.
Know -It -All.

Dr. Know -It -All?

Hey, where are my eggs? We need to get
cracking!

Oh -ho!

Hey, medium -sized egg, why aren't you
medium -sized egg? I sat on a wall and

had a great fall. Now I'm a zombie
mortician.

Okay, you're kind of ruined. the theme,
bacon, eggs, and rotting flesh isn't

exactly a balanced breakfast.

I'm sorry, Tim, but I'm out. I'm doing a
haunted house in the garage.

Since when?

Since I realized how much the church
makes off theirs.

I could charge two bucks a head. Plus
donations to the needy children, as in I

needy some money.

Okay, but what about our family party?
I...

I had this whole thing planned. I don't
know. The Apple Bob pumpkin thing

sounded kind of childish.

Pumpkin carving childish?

This says ages 8 to 80.

When you finish carving one, bring it
out to the garage. I could use it as a

spooky cash box.

Money goes in, but it doesn't come out.

Sorry, honey. But the rest of us will do
your Halloween stuff.

Honey, I don't want the rest of us. I
want all of us.

I've been looking forward to this big
family Halloween ever since I got this

family. It's half the reason I married
you. Is the other half my dead side

manna?

Oh, cute outfit.

It's almost a shame to cover it up with
an egg costume. That's why I'm not

gonna. Noah and Molly are coming over.
Oh, I guess the costumes aren't

important. Especially when we're getting
two more people at our part.

Hey, hold your happy.

We'll kind of be par -tay adjacent.

Really? First James, now you?

It's not really a party if everybody's
all adjacent.

Noah's bringing over a movie.

Halloween is kind of for kids anyway.
Wait, why do you guys keep saying that?

You're kids!

It's for you!

Can you believe everyone's abandoning
me, Charlie?

Charlie?

I could just eat you up. But I won't.

Yeah, I am a lot of egg.

Yes. Plus, we've got a full schedule. We
are going to bob for apples, make

scarecrows of ourselves.

I even went out and got hay.

Hay.

When do we go trick -or -treating? That
comes last, remember? I said the evening

would culminate in trick -or -treating.
Oh, I kind of thought I would know what

that meant.

The candy's at...

Mrs. Phillips.

Well, well, well.

If it isn't the too cool for Halloween
crowd.

Gabby's in the living room. Fun
adjacent.

Oh, you guys are going to bop for
apples?

Oh, we used to do that when I was a
little kid.

Little kid?

Do you think I'm too cool?

It'd probably be my last year for all
this Halloween stuff. Oh, you don't mean

that, sweetie. You love Halloween.

See what you did? Get in the living
room, both of you, before you ruin

Christmas, too.

Hey, Gabby, we've got the movie. Hold on
a sec.

Gabby's doing something for me. Dad, I'm
not going to rate my own health. That's

cheating. Not if you use Molly's phone.
Molly, give her your phone.

Trick or treat!

Uh, don't give me a rating yet. I'm
coming.

Oh, I never should have left my post.

Passed out there trick -or -treating.
Seriously?

How pathetic is that?

Yeah. Who likes free candy?

So, what movie did you bring?

Nosferatu. Oh, good choice, babe.

What is it, babe?

It's a vampire movie.

Ooh, great. Shirtless dude sparkling. I
can get with that.

Actually, it's a silent German film from
the 1920s.

My older sister says it's awesome.

Oh, silent.

Sounds very sophisticated.

How can it sound anything?

It's silent.

Noah and I think it's cool.

All right, silent film it is.

Just as long as it's not in black and
white.

Trick or treat!

I just lost a patient.

And it really... tore my heart out.

Is that how my dad's heart looked when
he operated on it last year, Dr.

Phillips? Oh, no, no, no. No, no.

No, no, no.

Your, uh, your daddy's heart is much
healthier and it's, uh, gonna last him a

very long time.

Your last name is Rogers, right?

Clyman. Oh.

Why don't you take two?

Enjoy the night. And hug your dad.

Hi, hi, hi.

Garden gnome?

Sexy garden gnome.

I had a date with a landscaper named
Larry, and that fool left me standing

on my lawn.

And don't you dare chuckle.

If I promise not to, will you pass out
candy while I go use the little

room? I can't leave my post.

So far tonight, I'm in first place on
NeighborhoodTrickOrTreat .com.

You're serious?

Yeah.

Trick or treat?

Well, aren't you curious?

Oh, honey, that's me. Hold this for me
for a second.

Well, well, well.

If it isn't Larry the Landscaper.

What do you mean you picked up the wrong
garden gnome?

How many sexy garden gnomes were there
standing out on their lawn?

Really?

Bye -bye, Larry.

Uh -oh.

Charlie ain't gonna like that.

Okay. So what are we watching?

Nosferatu.

Russianist vampire movie from the 1920s.
And which Real Housewives are we

switching to?

We're not switching.

We're loving this.

How could you not?

It's so deep and German and deep.

I had the worst dream. I was trapped
watching this.

Well, I'm out.

You're going to miss the ending. I doubt
it.

like that, girl, I'm still iffy about
you.

Maggie, you're supposed to be passing
out candy.

Your candy ran off.

As did your candy bowl.

That was all I had.

My trick -or -treat ranking is gonna
tank.

The Maharis are way ahead of me.

That's because they dress their dog up
as a cat.

Little Rascal's confused, but adorable.

I can't beat that.

And now I have no candy.

James, he's got to be hiding candy up in
his room. He's hiding everything else.

Maybe I'll find the key to my lockbox.

Also my lockbox.

You ought to be looking for a dog
dressed up like a cat.

Oh, the bald one and those teenagers are
boring.

So what are you up to?

We're making scare clothes ourselves.

Oh, Scarecrow Stephanie, you are working
these pants.

What's your number, Eve?

We're having fun, huh, Aaron? Heck yeah,
we are.

But have we finished yet? I want to go
trick -or -treating. We will, but first

we have to carve the pumpkins.

It's not Halloween without them. It's
not Halloween without trick -or

Take the boy out.

Come on.

All the good candy will be gone. And
they'll just have to knock off like two

musketeers and be tart.

Aaron, we can buy candy any time, but we
can't buy memories.

The only memories this boy will have is
that you didn't take him trick -or

-treating.

Fine. We'll go.

But first, can we just carve one little
pumpkin each? That could be fun.

Here's yours.

And here's mine.

Welcome to death.

Prepare to feel the horrors of the
afterlife.

Okay.

A disclaimer.

The haunter is not liable for any
medical issues this haunty may suffer

or after his or her haunted experience.

You're not pregnant, are you?

I don't think so.

In that case, prepare to feel death!

Your nightmare begins!

As your zombie mortician, I will have to
pull out your brain, just like these!

Is this macaroni? No.

It's brains.

And these are the cold eyeballs of the
dead.

Those are grapes.

You stole a bunch.

Dude, this haunted house is lame.

I know you didn't just call my grandbaby
lame.

This haunted house is a ripoff.

Say it again.

Say it again.

Thinking about those ears.

Grandma Maggie, you terrified him.

A whole bag of candy and traumatizing
children?

James, this Halloween is shaping up real
nice.

Need to tighten up that weave, though,
baby.

Almost done carving the smile.

Just got to do one last dimple.

How's it going back there, Aaron?

I wonder if you call it a jack -o'
-lantern before it has a candle in it.

it just a jack -o'? Steph? Who are you
talking to?

Aaron. Darecrow Aaron? Because that's
the only Aaron that's here.

Where's Aaron?

I don't know, but I can help you look.
How much is left in the movie?

52 minutes. I've got 52 minutes. Girl,
please keep me busy.

I was wrong. It's actually 62 minutes.

But take your time. I've got it on
pause.

You're on your own. The sooner I get
back, the sooner it ends.

Do we have any Baker's chocolate?

I gotta get something out to the kids.

Charlie, Aaron's gone missing.

No, he hasn't. Tommy and his mom came to
the door. He left with them to go trick

-or -treating. What? And you let him
leave?

Well, he said you guys were done. No, we
weren't done.

Well, maybe he said he was done.

Are these white chocolate bunnies still
good? They were dark chocolate bunnies

when we got them, so no.

Charlie, we've got a bigger problem.
There is nothing left of my whole family

Halloween. Baloney!

No, really.

Aaron left before we even finished
carving pumpkin.

What if I sprinkle sugar on it? Is that
weird? I'm hearing it. It's weird.

No, no, no, no, no.

I'm in last place on the whole block.

It's baloney or nothing.

I gotta go!

Next.

You better change that into some bills.
Get out of here.

Please, man. It's all I've got. And I
heard that this is the scariest haunted

house ever.

Okay, fine.

That's more like it.

Welcome to your nightmare.

It was only 94 minutes.

Really?

Because it felt like forever.

I'm so glad you said that because I
spent the last half trying to figure out

to dump you.

I just can't believe that movie was so
terrible.

My sister loved it. Your sister wears a
beret.

Good point.

You know, if we're being honest, I miss
Halloween.

Really? Because it looks like it puked
all over my house.

You think your stepmom's got any apples
left to buy? We could check in the

kitchen. Last one there has to watch
Nosferatu again. Get out of my way.

no, no, no.

And make sure you tell your mom or your
stepmom how important she is to you.

Don't you roll your eyes, Frankenstein.

You better be taking notes.

That's right.

Run away. The truth is terrifying.

Honey, I'm the one who's supposed to be
scaring the kids.

Oh, you're scaring them, all right, with
that sugared bologna.

They're lickable meat dicks.

Actually, they're not bad.

Take that, my Harrys. And your little
dog, too.

I was just starting to get the hang of
this mothering thing, and now I've got

one left to mother. Oh, honey, Aaron's
still little. He's going to need you for

a long time.

I cannot believe these neighborhood
kids.

My skeleton is not a trash can.

He's already pulling.

We always used to share a cinnamon bun
at the mall.

Last week, he wanted his own. So?

So, cinnamon buns are huge and shameful,
but Aaron and I split the shame. This

time, I had to eat my own shame.

You didn't have to eat your whole shame.

Of course I did. Those things are
delicious, and I felt so bad about it, I

second one.

It's like eating a hug.

Three hugs?

Okay, I had three.

Charlie, I just wish the kids wouldn't
grow up quite so fast.

Well, kids have a way of doing that.

I'm still getting used to it.

I try to think of it as part of growing
up as a parent.

Best Halloween ever.

Check out all the candy I got.

Steph, I told my friends how awesome our
party was.

Candy you said the mother bought for
apples?

You know I can.

Meat disk?

Deb, the Halloween party is off the
hook.

Aw, you guys are doing Halloween?

Turns out we're not as mature as we
thought.

Hey, speak for yourself.

Ooh, spooky ghost cookies!

Deb, Grandma Maggie took all my haunted
house money.

Oh, stop your whining. I will give you
what you deserve.

No fair! I deserve more than I deserve.

How about we apple bob for it?

I might just help you stay under if you
get my drift.

Why don't we just play ringtops?

Looks like you got exactly the Halloween
you wanted.

Aw, thank you, Doctor.

You know, doctors and bacon may be
enemies, but I can't help wanting to

nibble. Oh.

What are you doing?

Is that Aaron Candy?

Yep. I'm just sorting out anything that
looks suspicious.

Well, that doesn't look so suspicious.

Yeah, it does.

Suspiciously good.

You, uh, seen any suspicious -looking
taffy?

No, but there's some real shady -looking
licorice. Oh.

Snag me another couple of pieces.

Here, just to check.

Hey,

are you the dude that's giving out meat?