Original subtitles

Good game, buddy. Now let's wash up, grab a healthy snack, and start our

homework so we can get to bed at a reasonable hour.

You kill me.

Okay, I'm on the planet, I'm looking cute, and I'm dead.

Oh, I get another life.

And there it went.

That's weird. Why is Gavin playing your video game?

Maybe this is part of that once a month thing Dad was telling me about.

Her gamertag is sweet lips for you?

Gross. Why couldn't I have been an only child?

I'm standing right here.

She's playing with someone named Waffle King.

Hey, you think that's Molly?

Hey, babe, I love your beard. How do I take my helmet off? I want to make our

characters kiss.

I don't think that's Molly.

Do you know what this means? Gabby has a boyfriend.

Gee, Steph, don't sneak up like that. Oh, I tried to kiss you, but I blew your

face off.

Sorry. Aw, I can't believe Gabby has a boyfriend.

I am so happy for her.

Gabby and Waffle King sitting in a tree.

H -U -G -G -I -N -G.

That better be all they're doing.

What are you people, ninjas? We're a bell.

No, you're the sweetest. No, you are.

I'm locking her in a tower.

A tower with no Wi -Fi.

Let's all just take a breath, okay? Boys, go to your room, and Charlie, go

your coffee maker.

Bye.

Wait, I think I hear my family coming. I gotta go before they catch me talking

to you. I'll text you.

No, you're the sneakiest.

I can't believe Gabby has a secret boyfriend.

She knows she's not allowed to date until she's 16.

I say we sit her down and calmly ask her who this boy is while we calmly dangle

her phone over a bucket of bleach.

It's that attitude that made her hide her boyfriend from you.

You weren't exactly in the know. Only because I haven't looked at her

in a while. Gabby trusts me.

Gabby blocked me?

Who's Waffle King? Bye, guys.

Not so fast, young lady.

We know the two of you are going steady.

Charlie, they're dating in secret, not in 1954.

Are you guys spying on me? Last time I checked, this was America.

You were playing a video game we bought on a TV we bought in a living room we

bought. Go ahead. Call your congressman.

On the phone we bought that you used to have.

Waffle King and I are following all of your rules. We've only gone out in

of six or more, and I'm always home by her feet. Oh, stop splitting hairs. You

know what you were doing. Okay, can we at least know his real name?

It isn't Waffle King, is it?

I love you guys, but my life is private, my feelings are private, and my

relationship is private.

Relationship?

Feeling?

Good thing Dad has these old people hammers in the garage.

Move over.

I'm going first.

Apple Smash.

We've been in it for game night tomorrow.

As game nights are, I am going to need a copy of the rules, a list of the

equipment, and for you two to get real, because there ain't no way you're

playing that.

Meanwhile, clean up this mess.

And get all the seeds.

There's already enough stuff growing in here.

Sorry, but we had to play something.

Gabby's hogging my video game again.

Is she playing with Waffle King?

Who do you want to what now?

Gabby's secret new boyfriend. She won't even tell me his name. His name is Noah,

and he's not that new. They've been dating for two months.

Two months and she didn't tell me?

Wait, when did you find all this out?

I looked at her Instagram.

She let you look at her Instagram?

She does when I steal her phone.

Tell me everything. I'll give you whatever you want. Just get Gabby off my

game. That's it?

Done. Wait, no. Pony made a goal. Too late.

Didn't think it through.

Charlie, what are you doing?

I'm nailing Gabby's window shut.

Because the guy at the hardware store got all judgy when I asked him for razor

wire.

Honey, this won't make Gabby any more open with us or able to escape in a

This is what you do as a parent. You set boundaries. If your child walks beyond

them, you fortify those boundaries.

Now, if you'll let me get back to work, I have motion sensors to install.

You know, how about you put a pin in your crazy?

and try bringing him in instead of pushing her away, which is what this is

to do.

How are we going to bring him in? We don't even know his name.

His name is Noah, and I think we should invite him to our family game night.

Yeah, no, that ain't going to happen.

There's no way I'm bringing him here and having all of you embarrass me. What

makes you think we'll embarrass you? All of the neighbors are outside watching

Dad nail my window shut.

Please, it's nobody.

Keep walking that dog, Mrs. Meharry. Nothing to see here.

Gabby, you can invite Noah over, or I'll do it myself. I've been checking his

Instagram. I'll just wait for him by his locker, number 256.

Or the yogurt place he likes. Or the park where he plays soccer. Fine.

I'll bring him to game night. Dad, move the ladder. I need to jump out the

window.

Remember, the key is visualization.

Picture everything going everywhere.

I'm seeing it.

Liking it.

All right, boys, listen up. Gabby's boyfriend will be here any minute.

Seriously? I told you, no apple smash.

This is apple smash, too.

Tomatoes.

Okay, how do I look?

You look great.

Noah's blind, right?

Do me a favor. Be less you tonight.

Oh, don't listen to him. You look beautiful.

Now come help me with the game night snack.

I'm whooping up a little Parcheesi and crackers.

That. That is exactly what we said we weren't doing.

So no trivial prosciutto?

Stephanie!

Hi, hi, hi!

It's game night, people!

I brought the scoreboard, some extra dice, and a trophy for the

winner.

This already has your name engraved on it?

Why make two trips when I already know how the night's gonna end?

I'll get it, I'll get it, I'll get it, I'll get it. Nobody messes up the secret

of my Maggie. I'll get it.

Noah?

Everybody.

Everybody? Noah.

Hey, thanks for having me.

I don't have to put on a tie for this Yahoo, do I?

Charlie. Noah.

Good to meet you.

Sorry about the Yahoo crack. I was just... What am I doing? You're trying

date my daughter. You should be awkward around me.

Well, I feel awkward enough for everyone. So why don't we all be awkward

together on the couch?

All right.

But game night is on a tight schedule. I only blocked off three minutes for

jibber -jabber.

So, Noah, tell us about yourself.

Starting with your social security number.

Dad's always making jokes. From now on, he's gonna write them down on his game

pad and then burn them.

No, seriously, what do you like to do in your spare time?

I guess I read a lot. Why?

For fun.

I don't follow.

You're a junior. What kind of colleges are you looking at?

None. I don't believe in college.

I'm sorry that it exists.

College isn't Narnia.

Noah wants to find himself.

He's going to find himself living in a bus station.

Dad, since there's a lull in the conversation, Grab those dice and get it

rolling!

All due respect, Dr. Phillips, but Steve Jobs, John Lennon, Oprah, they didn't

finish college.

Neither did the guys coming to my windshield with newspapers.

People! Game night.

Who wants to pick the first game?

I'm enjoying this one.

So, Noah, how do your parents feel about your plans to have no plan?

My parents are trying to force me into medical school.

Well, they sound delightful. Why didn't we invite them over?

Not everyone wants to be a doctor, Dad.

I do.

Or a fireman. Or a superhero.

Yeah, I don't want to be a doctor.

I have moral issues charging sick people 800 bucks for aspirin.

Dang, you've been holding that on me, money bag.

I'm more concerned with treating the sick than charging them. Sure. Just as

as they have insurance, right?

Oh, Jay!

I'm with you.

Yeah, this game ain't half bad.

Five parts for the Waffle King.

If you'll excuse me, I have to use the little Yahoo's room.

Through there and to the left.

Don't look at the family pictures on the way. If you see one of a little girl

taking a bath, that's James.

So, how's everybody?

like a Noah.

Five, six, seven.

Ha, that's my property with a hotel. You owe me $800.

Wait a minute. Even with a hotel, it's still only $450.

We're now serving a complimentary continental breakfast.

Ah, power company, Noah. You want to buy it?

No, thank you. I don't believe in the privatization of public utilities.

You don't get a college degree, you're going to wind up on the public

Yeah, we moved on. Roll.

Well, why would I need a college degree?

So I can join the rat race and do the same job every single day?

Then find myself pushing 50 and all I have to show for it is a roof over my

family's head and a nice car in the driveway? Yeah, how bougie is that?

Or even worse, what if you're not the fastest rat in the race?

What if all you do is flail around, just lurching from job to job, hoping to pay

off your student loans?

Hey, I'm getting them down.

Huh? Oh, Noah wasn't talking about you.

No. Yeah, I know.

Now do you grab my Maggie?

You could.

Or you could walk out of here with teeth.

I was just talking about myself and how I wouldn't want to make any decisions

that I'll regret. Oh, look, timer's up. New game. So we're done.

Big surprise.

Now we get to play something I can win. Nothing involving smashing produce and

mallets. Nope.

Ogre's Midnight Graveyard.

Oh, I love that game.

The extra patrols are upstairs.

Noah and I will get them. Not without a chaperone.

I'll go with Noah. Sure. Cool. I can play in my rock collection or in my bug

collection. I just divide it into dead and almost dead.

I got this rock when we went on a camping trip.

And I found this bad boy an hour ago in my shoe.

You know, when Gabby mentioned you were into rocks, I had no idea you were such

a connoisseur.

Is that a fancy way of saying dork?

Because Gabby's friends never get my rocks.

Well, I do.

Really? Yeah. I think your collection is awesome.

In fact...

I thought maybe you could add this to it.

That's a moon rock.

Came all the way from space.

Is it a keeper?

Yeah, thanks!

I'll take that as a maybe.

Maggie, if you're going to be on my team, you're going to have to fight.

Charlie, I am going to fight. As soon as I figure out how to stop walking in the

walls.

Okay, now I'm just looking at the ceiling.

Thanks again for having me over, Dr. Phillips.

And I apologize for what I'm about to do.

Whoa! You just pulled out his spine!

Put that back!

He also stole my heart.

Don't.

Don't make it lame.

How did you do that spine thing?

Up, down, egg, egg, double tap the joystick and hold the right trigger.

I know you didn't just rip my head off!

You're like the brother I never had.

I'm still right here.

All right, who wants a snack? I've got hungry, hungry Chippos.

I thought we talked about that.

Yeah, that was a good one.

Come on, we're playing young versus old.

Get ready to lose, old people.

Uh, Steph?

Pull up a wheelchair, honey.

Aaron, sweetie, the word is flashlight.

You have to get your team to guess that without saying any of the words on the

card, okay?

Oh, right.

Okay, guys, pay attention, because I'm not allowed to say... Mount Rushmore.

Aaron, sweetie, that was the word again.

Stop distracting the boy. There's only so much sand in the timer.

I have time.

It's cool. You'll get it next round.

He better if he wants to keep getting those $12 birthday checks.

All right, Charlie, let's show them how it's done.

Ah, yeah.

Three, go.

Oh, this is where we went on our honeymoon.

Italy. Oh, sorry, wrong honeymoon.

Oh, Buckingham Palace.

England. Right.

Oh, this is your favorite dessert.

Creme brulee.

What? Since when?

Since our amazing romantic weekend in Vegas.

We never went to Vegas.

I know what we're up to. Let's do this.

All right.

I'm ready.

Okay.

Your thing from third period.

Starfish. Right.

Okay, okay. You think Kelsey Goldberg is... Oh, bobblehead. Yes.

Okay, okay. I got it. You always say she tries too hard.

Stepmother. Yes.

The time you're at the mall. The guy who had the long... Flip back a card, Noah.

Steph, it was just a dumb clue. Noah, keep going.

Time. You think I try too hard?

Is that why... you blocked me on Instagram?

What's the big deal? You see me all the time at home. Yeah, I see you, but you

don't tell me anything.

You've had a boyfriend for two months, and I still wouldn't know his name if

James hadn't stolen your phone.

James did what now?

Privacy is such a myth.

The government's looking at everything.

Not the time, Waffle.

Gabby, is that how you talk about me? I didn't want to do this tonight in the

first place, but you just had to meet my boyfriend.

Well, I'm sorry.

I guess I was trying too hard.

So much for game night.

Clearly, I'm the big loser.

Actually, according to the scoreboard, Charlie is the big loser.

Charlie,

I hate what this Noah kid's done to our Gabby. I say we kick him out and send

him to college. We know he won't be going there.

Look, I'm not going to start wearing a T -shirt with Noah's face on it, but I

hear some girls have brought home much worse.

Stop talking to my mother.

Anyway, what happened here? A couple of days ago, you were nailing her window

shut. Well, you saw the two of them tonight.

Even if we tell them they can't be together, they're not going to listen to

We can't control what Gabby does at school or at Molly's or at Molly's.

We can control how he fits in your trunk.

I'll tell you what.

I'll play you for it.

It's still game night.

High card.

If I win, we find a way to make the thief. If you win, we do it your way.

Cement shoes, roll them up in a rug, ladies' choice.

I'll settle for not letting Gabby see him anymore.

Okay?

Ha -ha -ha!

Queen!

Noah is about to go -a.

Uh -uh -uh -uh.

Sorry, babe.

Noah's babe.

What? You be the queen? Show me.

I'll be a loser.

No, I want to see the card, Charlie. I'm not going to show you the card. I am

calling your bluff.

Two of diamonds. I won.

But it doesn't matter, though, does it?

It's not that I want Noah gone.

I just want Gabby back.

What happened to me, Charlie?

I was the it parent.

I was the cool parent. I was the parent where all the other parents were like,

what? How'd she do that?

Now I'm just a parent.

Come in.

I'm about ready to start the awards ceremony.

And you are going to miss my song!

Who's watching Gabby and Noah?

They're probably watching each other. They're out on the porch.

You let them go out there alone?

Hey, hey, hey.

I raised you. I can't raise everybody.

Thank you for suffering through this.

Are you kidding?

Gabby, tonight was great.

But they happened.

I'd trade my family for yours any day.

We don't even have to trade. You can just have mine.

You do realize I'm related to those crazy people.

And if they weren't them, you wouldn't be you.

And who would want that?

Say goodnight, Gabby.

Dr.

Phillips?

Waffles?

The kids are...

finally at least.

Are you sure?

I don't want them walking in on us.

Oh, I'm sure.

We have to be very quiet.

Oh.

I've been waiting for this all night.

Don't start without me.

We wouldn't think of it.

It's so wrong, but it feels so right.

All right. On three. One, two.