Original subtitles

None for me. Not hungry.

Boo -hoo, the boy I like moved to San Diego and now I'm too sad to eat.

What boy? You're not allowed to like boys.

It's Ben, that slack jaw she did her bio project with last Saturday.

Gabby, I know it's hard to lose the love of your weekend.

But you still need to eat.

Hey guys, what's going on?

Mother's Day.

I've been up there for an hour waiting for breakfast in bed.

We're going to have food in our room for waffle party.

I took you out to dinner last night.

No, I'm talking about my stuff from the kids.

So, where's my candy?

My flowers?

My candy flowers?

About that. Not happening.

What James means?

is we're doing stepmother's day instead it's next sunday oh stepmother's day

that sounds like something that exists it does i saw it on one of those angry

women morning shows this way when our mom gets back you'll still have a

day just for you okay then stepmother's day it is today

is just another sunday Oh, in that case, can you go to the store? We're out of

dew. And cereal.

And I'm all out of razors.

Charlie!

I'll make dew.

Mother's Day.

You okay?

I'm fine, honey.

Fine is never fine.

I speak wife.

Oh, do you now?

Then translate this.

I love you.

I am a dead man.

Hi, hi, hi!

Happy Mother's Day, Mom. Aw, thank you, baby.

Happy Mother's Day, Maggie.

Thank you, Charlie.

You know, Charlie, I think we've come to the point where you can call me Mom.

I know it's hard for you to think of me as a mother, but let's face it, had we

met under different circumstances, you and I might have... Okay, okay.

Uh, I will start calling you that on the condition that you never finish that

sentence.

Well, let me hear it.

Happy Mother's Day.

My phone is ringing.

Ah, he'll warm up to it.

Oh, Grandma Maggie, what did stuff do for you for Mother's Day?

Probably just got me a card with my card.

I'll have you know we are spending today at a luxury spa.

Oh, a spa? Yes, Mama Lies.

We're leaving in two hours.

Two hours? Oh, honey.

Now that is cutting it close.

You know I got a little body prep I've got to do.

Sometimes you gotta clean up for the cleaning lady.

Wow, Seth.

That is such a thoughtful gift.

I hope that one day if I have no time to bond, I've got to book a spa.

And buy a car.

Ben's friend Luke totally wants to sit with you at the game on Friday.

Cocker isn't even cold yet.

Ben is gone.

And besides, Luke gets to borrow his mom's minivan, and he can stay out until

11. I don't care. Ben and I are more than fast cars and loose curfews.

Okay, kids, listen up.

Wait.

Molly, it's Mother's Day.

Shouldn't you be with your mother?

My mom likes to be left alone on Mother's Day.

Really? You think she'd want to be with her kids?

Yeah. I don't know. For some reason, she told all ten of us to clear out.

I'll see you later, Gabby.

Guys, about this Stepmother's Day.

We need to move the celebration to today.

Can't. I don't have anything for Step.

Is that why you came to me with the Stepmother's Day thing?

Hey, two moms in one week breaks the bank. If we wait until Stepmother's Day,

all the Mother's Day cards will be half off. Think it through, people.

We're on our way.

Have fun, ma.

Mmm.

Mother of my wife.

Pitiful.

That was pitiful.

The woman who forgot her own mother on Mother's Day.

I haven't heard you even mention your mom.

Did you do anything for her? Oh, nothing big.

Just some flowers in a vase made of shells from our various beach vacations.

When did you start working on that? When I was seven.

I love my mama.

So, with my card. Oh, you are going to love it. So you.

It's a dog butt.

Read it, read it.

Stephanie.

So, when did I get on with this massage?

Oh, that's a funny card.

You must not have understood it.

See, it's a dog's tail, so he's moving away, making him gone.

Doggone. It's hilarious.

I got it.

Just what I expected from you.

Ladies, are you set?

Bring on the big hands.

Okay, maybe it wasn't the best dog card ever, but it's the thought that counts.

There was no thought.

There's never any thought. Each and every Mother's Day, all you do is sign

name to someone else's thought.

Oh, yeah, baby, that is, that is.

Well, that's why they have cards.

That's why cards have that extra space for you to write something other than

love, Stephanie.

Heart, Stephanie.

Regards, Stephanie.

Oh, I have never heard that sound come out of my body before.

Okay, so you hate the card. Oh, my knee doesn't bend that way.

I took you to a spa.

That's your book at the last minute.

Why would you think that?

Because I know you.

Doesn't even matter.

Mother's Day is a dumb holiday anyway.

Well, at least someone's celebrating it with you.

This again?

Boo!

So, your kids want to do Stepmother's Day with you. Get over it!

Oh, get over it.

Why didn't I think of that?

Just get over having my heart stomped on by kids I've been raising for nearly a

year now?

No. Get over being ridiculous.

How is it ridiculous to want my kids to celebrate me with a real Mother's Day?

It's ridiculous because Mother's Day is for real mothers.

Could you guys please turn around so I can storm out of here?

No, you hang up first.

Hello?

I got Steph.

A Mother's Day plant.

Since when do we hate Steph?

Since all the flowers were gone. It was either this or fertilizer.

You made the wrong choice.

Victory! I had to give some old guy the hockey elbow, but I got a mom cake.

How are the gifts coming?

Gabby failed.

But I got Steph a beautiful car.

Wait a minute. I've seen that before. Did you just take that out of

closet? No, of course not.

I'm wounded.

I took it from Gabby's closet.

I have a present.

You made her moonshine?

Guys, we got to step things up here. No re -gifting and no biohazards, okay?

I hear you pitching problems, Deb. I don't hear you pitching solutions.

Wait a second. This cake says Happy Mother's Day Grammy.

Well, I'm sure Grammys have plenty of cake in her lifetime. And look.

Easy fit.

Now it just says happy mothers.

That sounds like we have two mothers.

Oh, right!

Oh, may I ask what's wrong?

Mothering issues.

Oh, don't tell me about it. I raised a bunch of kids.

I know a thing or two about mothering issues.

I don't know what my mom expects me to be.

Some... 50th housewife?

Don't knock it until you've tried it.

I mean, I'm a stepmom. I know that. But I like to think of myself as a real mom,

too. Well, there's no difference.

I mean, if one of the kids gets hit in the nose with a football, you don't care

if it's yours or his.

But off the record, she was mine, and she was my favorite.

She's right. A mom is a mom.

I guess I'm just sensitive because my kids disappointed me. Been there.

My son used to invest his allowance in limited liability mutual funds.

And my daughter invested in lip gloss.

Just be grateful you don't have twins.

Double the disappointment.

Well, at least with twins, it's only two.

I've been let down by three.

Try six.

Six? Oh, what are you, a pass dispenser?

What did your kids do that disappointed you so dear?

Pull some kind of switcheroo at school?

I hate that.

They ignored me on Mother's Day.

Oh, I can't imagine being ignored on Mother's Day.

My son is out in Hollywood, but he still calls me.

Well, my girl's all... Always show up on Mother's Day. But, you know, now that I

think about it, it might be just one of them pretending to be the both of them.

Well, did you tell your kids how you felt?

I tried.

I just couldn't. They were so thrilled about doing Stepmother's Day.

That's a thing?

Oh, thank God my kids didn't know about that.

They'd probably use it as an excuse to sing me a song.

Newsflash, you are not the Partridge family.

So your kids were actually planning something for you.

Well, yeah, but it's not Mother's Day.

It's not Mother's Day.

What a horrible attitude.

You know something?

Sit on it.

Whining about nothing.

Oh, you're lucky you are not my daughter.

I'm hitting the juice bar.

I would love a juice.

Well, I would like a nice herbal tea.

I could use something herbal myself.

Mom, am I right?

Actually, mine was pretty much perfect.

So your dad was the problem?

No, he was even better.

Better than perfect?

They put on little sketches for it.

Just last week they did one to teach me the value of saving for retirement.

I gotta get my own place.

Mother's Day, Devin?

Yeah, I made the S too big, and it was all downhill from there.

Real steady hand, Dr. Phillips.

Done.

Oh, I think it's sweet that you're writing Stephanie a poem.

Roses are red, violets are blue.

Steph is my stepmom, violets are blue.

Oh, it took me an hour.

Dad, what do I do here?

Here's a picture of Ben.

This is Luke.

Ben.

Luke. Ben.

Luke.

I can't make up my mind.

I say you turn them both down and we revisit that convent school.

That joke wasn't even funny the first time. You know what would be really

If we went to their orientation on the 5th.

You know what would be hilarious?

When I end up putting you in a home.

That's why I married a younger woman.

It's like Ben understands me better than any human being has ever understood me.

But Luke is like here.

Luke is here?

Go for Ben.

Please enjoy the relaxing...

as you bathe in the detoxing muds of Icelandic volcanoes.

You can sell it all you want, sister, but it's still just dirt and water.

I can't believe you said I wasn't a real mom.

All I meant was, you've got to earn the title.

Earn it?

I'm more of a real mom than you are. I do everything you did as a mom, and I do

it by choice.

You don't think I had a choice?

Ah, there was a real nice family, I and you, at the hospital, and I still took

you home.

Hey, you only had to raise one kid. I have to deal with three, so that makes

three times the mom you are.

You have only had your children one year, which makes me 30 times the mom

you are.

Oh, without the comfort of my mother there all the time.

Aha! Well, then that's one point for me.

See? No appreciation, no...

I don't always say it.

But I am only the woman I am because the mom you are.

Doggone it.

All my love, Stephanie.

Is that better?

Yes.

But I'ma need it in writing.

Happy Mother's Day, baby.

Happy Mother's Day, Mom.

No doubt about it.

Sometimes you can be a real mother.

Not to my kids, apparently.

Even if I'm the one with them every day, I'll always be in second place.

Just one moment.

Why does this always happen on my shift?

with what is apparently a matter of life or death.

Gabby? Hey!

Is everything okay?

Uh, Ben?

Biology Ben?

Uh -huh.

And what color are Ben's eyes?

I figured you didn't.

And that should answer your question for you.

Have fun at the game with Luke.

Today, you're in first place.

What are you talking about?

Gabby had a problem. She called you. You worked it out.

That's what being a real mom is all about.

Really?

But she didn't even say thank.

She stopped saying thank you altogether.

Oh, honey, that's about as mom as it gets.

Hi, hi, hi.

I've been working on this all day.

Happy Mother's Day, Mom.

Anybody want to hear that?

What the?

It's a boy happy 60th mazel tov?

It's surprisingly hard to find Mother's Day balloons on Mother's Day.

Mother's Day?

For me?

Happy Mother's Day, Steph.

Press play.

Hmm?

Can I be honest?

My life is so boring without the kids around.

I know. Back then it seemed like every week there was a big problem to solve.

I felt so needed.

Just like that, it's over.

I went from twice the trouble to twice the nothing.

My parents tried to keep things interesting by bringing in some other

little kid.

We tried that.

It didn't work.

Us too.

Once you do that, everyone knows you've jumped the shark.