All language subtitles for Instant Mom s01e19 Camp Fear

Pizza's here.

Pizza's here.

If it gets cold, I have to cook
something.

Move. That's my way.

We're here. Back away from the stove.

Just for that, I'm making meatloaf
tomorrow.

So enjoy your pizza.

I will.

I'm starving.

Oh.

That's not Pizza Genie pizza.

No, this place is new. They do the whole
wood fire thing.

But it looks different.

It is different.

Change is good.

Sorry, Steph, but you know Dad, he
always goes to the same pizza place, the

gas station, the same pump.

Pump 7 has the good squeegee.

The same squeegee?

Here you go, sweetie.

None for me, thanks. I'm a creature of
habit.

If it ain't broke, don't wood -fire it.

He won't even try it? Well, we all have
our comfort zones.

I always order from Pizza Genie, and you
always make that same face when you

think I'm wrong.

Ah, see? There it is. Uh -huh. Point,
Charlie.

Why do I even bother?

Can't feed an old dog new pizza.

You think you know me so well.

Yes, for delivery, please.

I'd like a medium mushroom and onion
pizza.

Ooh, bed sheet on a table.

It's a tent with children underneath it.

We're camping.

We're earning our mirror badges for
Woodland Scout.

We've already earned one for building a
fire.

Really? In the kitchen?

We turn on stoves.

Fire is fire.

Charlie, I think the Woodland Scouts are
expecting the kids to earn their

camping badges by, you know, camping.

Perhaps in the woodland?

Oh, camping with Del was great. Not
cold.

not wet, not foggy, not camping.

Boy, hey, starting today, you're going
to earn your camping badges the right

with real camping in the real woods.

Yay! Have fun getting frostbite and
malaria.

Dad and I will be roughing it with pizza
in front of the TV.

Yeah, I just heard about this new wood
fireplace that we're not going to try.

High five, buddy.

No, no, no. You know what?

We're all going camping. The whole
family next week. And I'll check with

and Brody's parents, too. We're going to
the woods! Yes!

Camping! Dad, make it stop.

I'm in. I've been wanting to shoot a
survivor audition tape. If anyone needs

I'll be making clothing out of bandanas.

Come on.

Camping is just voluntary homelessness.

I work really hard, so we don't have to
camp.

and I'm a natural born city kid. My
habitat is a concrete jungle. You're a

suburban kid and your habitat is a
concrete driveway.

Which ends now.

Oh, come on. What do you know about
camping, Miss? Charlie, oh, Charlie,

the spider before it charges.

When it's a cricket.

I know that I camped as a kid and I know
we're going next weekend.

We're camping. We're camping.

Your toaster s'mores are ready.

At this point, Dad, that's just sad.

Hey, Dad, do we have a machete?

Survivor only lets you have one luxury
item, and I really want to make it

Here. Takes a little more elbow grease,
but our machete's in the dishwasher.

Maybe I'll just choose toothpaste.

I love the smell of bug repellent in the
morning.

Don't tell your sister, but that was non
-stick cooking spray.

Okay, Dad, you're really taking us to
the edge of the cliff here. What are we

going to do?

What do you mean, what are we going to
do? I don't want to go.

You don't want to go.

How are we going to not go?

Come on, James, it's important to
Stephanie. We have to support her and

blah, blah, hand me those beans.

Maybe we'll find your spine out in the
forest.

Really, James?

Because we have a lot of kids and a lot
of rest stops, and dads do get careless.

And I thought we were brothers in the
struggle, Dad.

Look, more trees.

You've been saying that for the past two
hours.

It's the woods. We get it.

Children.

Are we there yet?

Really? From you?

Yeah, from me. The guy with 200 pounds
on his back.

It's 0900 hours, and one of the
castaways is already getting cranky.

It's not me, because my puka beads are
off the hook.

It's all good now.

We'll wait till the sun goes down. They
have coyotes and porcupines looking for

people to eat.

I read there's also bobcats and bears.

Bears? Oh, I forgot you're afraid of
bears. Did you?

Did you really?

Okay, everybody.

This is it.

We're here.

Where?

Where's the campground?

Charlie, we're going for an authentic
wilderness experience.

We're going to make our own campsite
without other people hanging around

What if somebody gets hurt out here?

We've got you.

What if I get hurt?

Don't get hurt.

Anyway, I got a flare.

Oh. Well, I'm sure if they miss the
flare, someone will notice the wildfire

starts.

Don't worry, Charlie. We have everything
we need. And if all else fails, attack

my mamma -tude.

Oh, your mamma -tude.

We're gonna die out here.

Good wind direction.

Light breeze.

Hmm. No recent animal track.

Are you sure? Check everywhere.

Because bears are shifty.

I'm sure. Might make hunting tough,
though.

Try lifting this bag of food. Anything
you want to hunt, I'm pretty sure it's

there. Well, we need to hoist that bag
up a tree to protect it from bears. So

let me get this straight.

We've taught the bears with food they
can't reach.

Get them all hungry and frustrated, then
lay on the ground in single -serving

sleeping bags?

Stop fussing.

Let's get to dinner and settle in, boys.

Go gather some wood.

Fuckin' Lord!

You mean you can drive up here?

Hi, hi, hi!

Grandma Maggie?

Mother? What are you doing here?

I put a tracker app on your phone.

I told you not to do that.

Well, then this is just one big old
coincidence.

You know I couldn't let my baby wander
off into the wilderness not knowing a

lick about camping. I camped as a kid.

The one time you went with your uncles,
you were six.

They did all the work. All you did was
roast marshmallows.

Yeah, but I got them golden brown every
time.

Hey.

Hey? You mean you don't know what you're
doing? Because, hey, you kind of said

you did.

Don't worry, Charlie.

That's why I'm here.

Me? And the American Dreamliner.

I am so inside. Mom,

you're undermining me. You know me.

I will stay out of your way. I'm going
to be way over here just watching you.

Trying to pitch a tent.

Oh, yeah?

Well, it's going to be a short show.

Hi.

There's Emmanuel.

Which is in Swedish.

And for a platform bed.

Still no shelter.

And it's getting cold. Some of the tribe
have begun a slow descent into madness.

Stupid tent.

Why can't you be a platform bed? Then I
can build you.

Where are we going fishing?

It's almost a fish's bedtime.

I told you we fish when the tent's up.

did they give us an extra temple just to
mess with me my dad's tent just pops up

whenever you take it out of the bag did
you bring your dad's tent no then you're

not helping me why do i keep getting
bitten did you use the bug spray the bug

spray bug spray not the cooking bug
spray which takes 20 minutes to wash off

i've been told no i didn't use any bug
spray it clashes with my perfume

Give me that.

Oh, ew, ew, in my mouth, in my mouth.

Charlie, can you toss the water?

Charlie, he and James left for the RV
when Grandma Maggie made cocoa.

Charlie!

Boys, please go over to that rolling
retirement home and tell those guys to

out and help finish setting up camp.

It isn't pretty, but it'll do.

On

Survivor, tents

have to be earned.

We should just weave a lean -to out of
palm fronds and fish bones.

Gabby? I appreciate your disturbing
level of enthusiasm, but you might

this is real, not reality.

Here, shoot me using that branch to prop
up the tent.

Night falls in the wilds of
Pennsylvania.

Our shelter has been compromised.

I think I can get it. No, don't touch
it. Don't touch it. Get it out. Don't

touch it. No, no, no. Sweetie, it's
really in there.

Grandma Maggie never goes anywhere
without her touch -up tweezers.

Maybe I should go and ask her?

Fine.

But when you come back, you better not
smell cocoa on your breath.

Maybe this goes on the inside.

I don't know what you're doing. I love
that.

Oh, do you?

How do you love this?

You're gonna die!

Now, can I please have some assistance
here? If we all work together, we can

the tent up.

Rain!

We're fine.

When you see lightning, but there's no
thunder, the storm far, far away.

Did anyone have any luck?

It's too dark to see anything in there.

Those seas are gone.

Please, get into this. I know it's
outside of your comfort zone. Food is

comfort zone.

If you'll die without it, not a comfort
zone.

Once we have shelter, I'll lower the
rope and get our food out of the bear

People, seriously, stop talking about
bears.

Oh, I felt a raindrop.

Don't you start with me.

Okay, that's it.

Let's do this.

Well,

excuse me for trying to teach these boys
to appreciate nature even when it gets

a little rough.

Move! I've got hair!

The night drags on.

It's cold, it's wet, there's no food,
and only one alliance seems to be

There is food, Gabby.

There's food, but it's mysteriously up a
tree where we can't eat it.

Not mysteriously. I put it up there in
case the... Don't say it.

Well, I hope you're nice and toasty in
my sleeping bag, Maggie.

I am.

Charlie, stop being stubborn and just
come share my bag.

Nope. If I'm that close to you, I won't
stay mad.

And I want to stay mad.

All right, suit yourself.

I'm all cozy -wozy.

Fine. At least then I'll just be
famished -whamished.

Ow! James, stop pushing me. Grandma
Maggie's pushing me. Ow! I am not. I'm

sleeping on a rock or something.

appreciate there are eight of us in
here.

Now, everybody be still or someone will
have to go outside.

Sorry, Gabby. You had a good run.

Not so fast. The tribal council has to
vote. I vote for Gabby.

Wait. Did you hear that?

The rain stopped.

We can eat?

We can eat.

Bears can't get our food, but a pack of
raccoons are making their way through

our sticky butt.

Raccoons? Why did I think to be a queen
alone?

They're nature's burglars.

So what do we do now, Sacagawea?

My back is killing me.

I've been lying on a root all night.

Actually, I think that's my wrist.

This whole trip has been a total
disaster.

I so wondered if it became a true
camping experience.

You did.

This is exactly what I always thought a
real camping experience would be.

That's the other part of it.

Where did your sense of adventure go?

When we were dating, you were spunkier
and more spontaneous.

I was wooing you.

The woo is complete.

It's just who I am. I'm not a... seat
-of -the -pants kind of person.

But I kind of am.

Okay. So we're a little different.

Okay. It's working.

Up here, aren't I?

Honey,

the kid's got a fire going.

Looks like Gabby's cooking something.

Is it James?

No.

some, too.

Go before they eat everything. Whoa,
whoa, whoa.

Now that we've made up, let's make up.

I've heard it's intense and tense.

Still here.

I never knew baked beans could taste so
good.

Everything tastes better outside.

True.

The raccoons are probably too full from
eating all the good food to bother with

the beans.

I found my keys!

Nope. That's a... You

still haven't told me how you guys got
the fire started.

First, I carved a little notch in a
piece of bark. Then I put a little pile

tinder nesting on it and started working
it with a stick.

Then a ranger came and lent us his
lighter.

What's up, sweetie?

I don't want Grandma Maggie to be mad.

You found the keys?

When? Yesterday.

But I didn't want the RV to ruin our
good time.

You had a good time?

The best.

Me too.

Mama dude.

Aren't you going to give those to
Grandma Maggie?

Not just yet.

Let's not ruin my good time either.

Forget this. Turns out you have to be 18
to be on Survivor. Next time we go

camping, I have to do a video all over
again.

Next time we go camping, I'll join you
via satellite.

Next time we go camping, I'm going to
book us a five -star resort and just

it camping.

There's the girl I married.

Oh, don't worry, buddy.

Think fast.

You just got a fish.

Stick. It counts.

All right. I earned all my badges.

Sometimes momitude is knowing when to
use the little datitude.