All language subtitles for Instant Mom s01e18 Distant Mom

The plane landed an hour ago.

Kim and the kids should be here soon.

For the last two weeks, the house has
been so empty and silent.

It's been awesome.

Is that wrong?

No. But what we did last night in the
kitchen was.

Do you mean the dishes?

One good thing about their mom moving
back, we'll only have to behave

on the weekends.

Plus, we get to sleep in during the
week.

Easy food blogger. Some of us will be
scrubbing in at 6 a .m.

Hey, Trish just offered me a mid -level
position in a two -person party planning

business. High maintenance, Trish? Yeah,
she says she needs me. She's about to

snap. Doesn't that sound great?

Hey, we still have a few moments of
sweet freedom.

Oh, freedom's over!

Africa is like a whole other country.

Finally, Wi -Fi. You have no idea what
I've been through.

Carlos, Stephanie.

Jim, welcome back.

Good to see you.

Wow, you look unfairly stunning for
someone just off a flight from

You're sweet.

Now I can finally share some photos.

Hashtag don't drink the water.

Gabby, take Aaron upstairs to brush his
teeth. I caught him licking the tray

table before we landed.

Apple juice, don't judge.

James, why don't you start taking these
suitcases upstairs?

I can't. I got two weeks of shows to
catch up on.

I know that sounded like a question. It
wasn't.

Yes, Mom.

So how were the kids?

Really?

They were amazing.

I mean, it was like the year apart never
even happened.

Oh, I'm glad you all had such a great
vacation.

Actually, it was only half vacation.

It was also half job interview, and that
went great, too.

Job interview?

What kind of job would you do in
Mozambique?

Chief legal counsel at the embassy.

I'll have to commit to living there for
a year, but it's not the kind of

position you turn down.

Wow, that sounds impressive.

But you'd still be able to come back
every once in a while, maybe for the

birthdays, right?

Actually, I was thinking maybe you could
come there for the kids' birthdays.

Because I'd like to take them with me.

To Africa?

Africa, Africa?

And we'd leave in two weeks.

Look, buddy, I know a year sounds like a
long time, but think of all the

adventures you're going to have in
Africa.

We were just there. We ran out of
adventures after like four hours.

Aaron, sweetie, I think it's time for
bed.

Okay, but I'm warning you.

I'm going to dream about America.

I can't believe I'm

not going to see their little faces
every day.

Uh -huh.

Charlie, are you okay?

In about two seconds, I'm going to start
blubbering like a baby.

You know what?

We can fight this.

Kim can't just show up and take them,
wearing her fabulous shoes and Phi Beta

Kappa earrings.

You didn't party your way through
college, we get it.

I don't even think she can take them
without your permission.

Besides, she's going to be working all
the time. Who's going to even take care

of the kids?

Listen, Steph, I love that you love them
so much, but the deal was always shared

custody. We were lucky to have the kids
to ourselves for a whole year.

It's only fair that their mom gets to
spend some time with them.

As much as it kills me.

Honey.

You know what?

If this is the way it has to be, we'll
work it out.

Do you remember how happy we were this
morning?

A year isn't that long.

You know what?

We could do this.

Besides, I'm a guy.

I don't have to feel things.

Dad, what are you doing?

Capturing the memories while I still
have the chance.

Memories of us eating pudding?

Ignore the camera. Act natural. Erin,
there's some pudding on your face. I'm

acting.

Gabby, Gabby, say something you always
say. Dad, you're so annoying.

Perfect.

No way I'm going to Mozambique. I did
some research. It turns out Mom took us

during tourist season. That's the one
month between cyclone season and locust

season.

I'm not going either. I can't just leave
all my friends.

Right. What are the odds you're going to
find more?

bugs over there, but everything else is
better here.

Who brought a dead locust home in their
soap dish?

He wasn't dead when I packed him.

Ew. You might want to stay out of his
toothbrush case.

When you get back to Mozambique, you can
have all the pet bugs you want.

About Africa, we don't want to go.

Come on.

Your mom is so excited to go on this
adventure with you.

New people, exotic culture, different
language.

You're going to learn so much.

Great. Living in a giant classroom.
Another dream realized.

I'm going to go see what's in that
toothbrush case.

Is it another insect?

Is it snake insect?

We can't tell Mom we don't want to go.
She'll think it's about her.

I guess we're stuck.

Unless...

We get Mom arrested at the airport so
she can't leave the country.

Let's dial it down to something more
doable.

I got it.

We take Mozambique with a giant
submarine.

Or... We get Mom fired.

How would we do that?

We have the submarine with...

is so creative. I am thrilled you
decided to come join the company.

Well, since I've got nothing else going
on in my life, I am ready to part A.

Did I mention there's no drinking on the
job?

Don't worry. I'm sure this first event
will go off without a hitch.

There's always a hitch. Be prepared for
the hitch.

Hitch preparedness.

Check.

Don't joke. This event must uphold the
company's reputation for class and

refinement. Now, we're going to need a
clown.

A clown?

At a kid's party?

That's just twisted.

James has a phobia about clowns. It's
not a phobia.

It's a deeper understanding.

His phobia is not going to get in the
way of you finding me a clown, is it?

Because our clients want a clown, and
our clients have money. No clown, no

money, and I want that money.

Party is for a one -year -old. Why would
she need a clown? She just discovered

her own feet.

Seth, what is our business motto? No
drinking on the job.

Our other motto.

Parties are war and we want that money.

That could be snappier.

First, land me that clown. Then I'll
crack open the suggestion box.

Hey, kid, you got any seltzer? I'm
running a little low.

Thanks for coming in. As you can see, I
still have a number of applicants to

interview. I'll keep your resume on
file. Or on this rubber chicken where

wrote it.

Wow, Juilliard.

That's a cruel business.

Isn't it, Bobo?

Hi, hi, hi.

Gabby just told me about Mozambique. Now
I know that you are not letting my

grandbabies leave the country without
a...

those kids.

There's nothing I can do.

Charlie says the best thing for them is
to stifle our feelings and support Kim.

Charlie is a loving father, a brilliant
surgeon, but in this case he'll fool.

Now you cannot just stand idly by and
watch your children be dragged halfway

around the world by some strange woman.

She's their mother and it's her turn to
have them.

If you'll excuse me, I have some
interviews to conduct.

Stephanie, your children are leaving the
country. Now is not the time to join

the circus.

Excuse me, lady, you need to refill the
fruit bowl. My agent promised me a three

-banana guarantee.

Well, you can't always have what you
want.

Sometimes, someone drops bananas on your
coffee table. And then a year goes by,

and you can't imagine your table without
those bananas. Then, somebody comes and

ships those bananas off to Mozambique,
and you still have to be strong for

bananas' father.

You know what? I could live without the
bananas.

Well, I can't. Get out! You and your
duck.

Hey, where are all of you going?

He's all right.

for Miss Kimberly Phillips.

This is the U .S. Embassy in Mozambique.
It turns out Mom, that's you, has

decided to take a different job instead,
and she's giving them the news. Right

now. What?

What am I supposed to say? I don't know
anything about Mom. Yes, this is

Kimberly Phillips.

You just hired me to do lawyerly things
for your embassy.

I just wanted to let you know that I am
no longer available.

I thank you, God bless America, and...
I'm sorry, what?

Why am I declining?

Um, well, because... I've just bought a
house in Philadelphia, and Africa is too

long of a... commute.

So, I will be joining a firm here.

Uh, what firm?

Krakow & Associates. We get cash for
your crash.

on the side of a bus.

Uh, what?

Of course this is Kimberly Phillips.

Who do you think it is? Her daughter?

Please don't tell my mom.

Well, that was smooth.

My submarine idea isn't like it's so
stupid now, is it?

Hey, Steph.

I have way too much to pack for Africa.
Can I borrow one of your bags?

Sure, anything but my red Prada purse.

Then never mind.

Yes, clown world, I need a clown for a
birthday party.

Yeah, I'll hold.

Oh, Gabby, can you say... No.

Okay, I think that'll cut together.

Uh, Steph, we need to talk about... Not
now, Charlie. The whole clown

community's turned on me, and I'm
desperate.

I even tried this place called Clown and
Dirty.

Turns out that's a whole nother thing.

Real quick, the kids' flight leaves at
5. I just want to make sure you're home

in time to say goodbye.

No problem. I'll be here at 3.

Oh, yes!

I'm saved.

Trish says if I can't find a clown, she
has a solution.

Steph, can I take a pair of your boots
for the rainy season? Anything but my

black studded Louboutins.

That's cool.

Or my suede Jimmy Choos. Oh, so close!

Give me that.

Okay, Trish, so where's the clown?

I don't get it.

Honk, honk.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Are you serious?

Oh, you bet I am. We cannot mess this
up. There is a buttload of potential

business out there playing in that ball
pit.

Okay, but why do I have to do it?
Because I'm not the one that alienated

clown, juggler, and mime in
Philadelphia.

Trish, I have to get home and say
goodbye to my kids.

You'll be done in plenty of time, I
promise. We need this.

Welcome to middle management.

All right, everybody, gather around.

I'm not going to see you for a while, so
I want to give you some things to take

with you. Presents?

Better.

Words of wisdom.

How are those better?

Boy, I'm trying to have a moment here.
Don't make me pop you.

James, you know that little voice you
hear in your head, the one that tells

what to do?

Yeah. He is not your friend.

Tune him out, or one day he's gonna be a
cellmate.

Aaron, oh, you are such a sweet baby.

Never take advice from James, because he
is gonna listen to that little voice.

It's true. Mm -hmm.

And, Gabby, you are a beautiful girl.

And boys are gonna come out of the
woodwork wanting to date you, buy

you things, promise you the world.

Let them.

Grandma Maggie, are you crying?

No. I love you, but I can't, baby. I
just paid $3. hundred dollars for these

lasses.

It's time to go.

You guys have got your things.

I got my memory.

Let's get you in the car.

What about Stephanie? She's not back
from work yet.

If we wait any longer, we're going to
miss our flight.

You just missed him.

What? What took you so long?

I couldn't find my car keys in these
freaking clown pockets.

And Aaron drew you a goodbye card.
Honey, I don't want an Aaron card.

I want an Aaron hug.

Gotta say goodbye.

Charlie, take me to the airport.

I almost took out a jogger driving in
these shoes.

What's the issue here?

Has this bag left your person at any
time?

It most definitely has not.

At one point, I did go get a cinnamon
bun.

Care to explain these?

Care to explain these? I believe that
one's a boning knife.

And those shampoo bottles? Way over
three ounces.

And the mouthwash? Lighter fluid.

Maybe we should cancel our tickets while
he figures this out.

I can't believe this. You kids are so
grounded.

And thanks to you, so is flight 435.

Why would you do this?

We thought it would get you on the no
-fly list.

Yeah, I got that part.

I want to know why you wanted me there.

Mom, we love you, but we don't want to
move to Mozambique.

Oh, man, this is like Christmas morning.

God, Chuck was here trying to run
through a checkpoint.

Please, I'm just trying to say goodbye
to my kid.

Oh, look, you're all here.

Well, this worked out.

James, it's me.

It knows my name.

Idiot. It's Daphne.

Daphne? Daphne?

Daphne! What are you doing here?

I couldn't let you guys... leave without
saying goodbye.

So you ran through airport security in a
clown suit?

I'm going to miss you guys so much.

James.

It's okay.

I understand.

I miss you already.

I'll take it.

It's kind of touching, actually.

I'm going to go call my kids.

Stephanie, can I talk to you for a
second?

I don't know what to do.

A year overseas with them sounded like a
dream, but obviously they don't want to

go.

And you're so great with them.

They love you.

I don't know.

Their lives are here, but you've done so
much already.

I couldn't ask you to take them for
another year.

Are you kidding?

Ask me.

You don't even have to ask me nicely.

Really?

Are you sure?

Look at me.

Mom, we know you love us.

This just isn't the right time.

Go.

It's okay.

It wasn't easy talking my way in here,
but I got something to say.

These videos were a terrible idea.

I watched them, and they made me
horribly sad.

Kim, I'm sorry.

You're not taking the kids to
Mozambique.

Charlie, she's not taking a kiss. Darn
right she's not.

Is she still like this?

Girl.