All language subtitles for Instant Mom s01e17 Buy Any Jeans Necessary

James, they're going to catch us.

Do you want that giant TV or not?

Stop freaking out. How can I not freak
out? We're selling Stephanie and Dad's

stuff.

They won't even notice.

These are wedding gifts.

Half of them are still wrapped.

Check it.

An egg poacher, a Dutch oven, this wine
fridge.

All of it, inventory for James' online
jamporium.

There's an entire garage.

full of this useless stuff.

Useless is heavy.

That's why I hired Ronnie Clough from
across the street to drive it to the

office. He needs the cash to buy his
girlfriend some pretty earrings so she

won't dump him for a guy with a job.

So, we're doing a good deed.

Yeah, and I'm gonna need you to say it
just like that if this all goes south.

Boy, it's going south!

Cover this thing up, just like normal.

Hey, guys, I'm late to meet Gabby at the
mall.

Your dad's out back.

Seriously, boys?

What? We didn't do anything.

Did we do anything, Aaron? Nope. We're
doing a good deed.

Then what is this?

How many times do I have to tell you not
to put your shoes in the middle of the

floor?

You're right, Steph.

Our bed.

Man, that was close.

She almost saw the fridge.

I was worried she'd be that grandfather
clock.

Hey,

Gabby.

How's it going in there? Great. I'll be
out in a second.

I'm here to show my stepdaughter you can
look stylish without breaking the bank.

I'm here because the police force laid
me off one year shy of my pension.

Want to braid each other's hair?

Gabby, those jeans look fabulous.

How much are they?

$20. Perfection. They're actually $200.

Well, in that case, they make you look
lumpy.

What? You just said perfection.

Well, I'm... Sorry, but your father and
I don't believe someone your age should

be wearing jeans that expensive.

Come on, Steph.

Ma 'am, would you let your daughter buy
$200 jeans?

I bought my daughter's jeans at the
hardware store for $10, and now she

for NASA.

See? She's head janitor.

See?

Gabby, I'm just trying to teach you
value.

These have value. Look, with every pair
of Jeanne Valjean, you can get an

exclusive bottle of their fragrance.

Consumption.

Oh. Well, when you put it that way,
everything stays the same.

But a no but.

That's right.

No but.

Not in $10 jeans.

In $10 jeans, I'm going to be all thigh.

If we keep moving merchandise this fast,
we'll be able to buy that huge TV in no

time. Help me get how big it's going to
be.

You know that wall in our room?

Picture it as a TV.

who, according to his girlfriend, is
still a child.

Hey, Ronnie. Let's make this fast before
my girlfriend finishes going through my

closet and throwing out all the T
-shirts I'm really attached to.

Well, we got a bread machine, a
grandfather clock, and a wine fridge

go. I'll start with the fridge. I'm used
to cold things that weigh me down and

slowly break me.

James! It's Dad. Positions.

Hey, Papadu.

Yeah, don't Papadu me.

Why are banks offering you a small
business line of credit?

Don't give anyone credit these days.

That's why our economy's in the toilet.

Mm -hmm.

You're up to something.

I just can't figure out what it is.
Which means you're upping your game.

shows ambition.

Which makes me proud.

Which has me torn.

As for this loan, don't even think about
it.

Like I paid 19 .9 % APR.

That's for chimps.

Mm -hmm.

Well, I'm glad we can agree on that.

Wondering why you know it, but glad we
can agree.

If you need me, I'll be out back.

Putting, but conflicted.

Another close call.

Yeah, let's move.

So, James' jamporium.

No idea what you're talking about.

Ronnie Fluff is here twice a day, and
you have a bread machine.

Baby, we're making a nice sourdough.

We also share a computer, and you never
clear your browser history.

$200, or I tell Dad.

$200? That's big money. You finally
getting that face transplant.

You gonna pay up or not?

I don't just hand out cash all willy
-nilly.

I need to know where it's going.

If you must know, it's for jeans.

$200 jeans?

Do they come with $150 in the pocket?

Look, there's no way I'm giving it to
you. But a loan could be arranged under

two conditions.

One, you swear not to tell Dad about the
Jamporium.

Fine. I give you my word.

Two. You pay me back at 19 .9 %
interest.

That's insane.

Not even the banks charge that.

Oh, don't they?

Okay.

Open.

You look like a million bucks.

Then I got a sweet deal because these
only cost me 200.

I'm kidding.

Stephanie got you the jean vals. She
didn't. I went back and bought them

without her knowing. I'm going to wear
my ugly jeans to school and then change

in the bathroom.

Are you afraid she's going to find out
you went behind her back?

Please. I am not afraid of Stephanie.

Hey, Gabby. I've got to hide.

I had a thought.

If you give me a pair of your old jeans,
I can turn old into good.

And what are you doing behind the
curtain?

That's so weird, because I had... I had
the same idea to fix up my old jeans,

and I don't want you to see them yet.
Oh, but I can help. No!

I really want you to be proud of me
because I did it myself to show you I

learned about value.

Aw, look at me getting through to you.

You're my rock.

Great. Now I have to bedazzle some old
pants.

But at least I'll be doing it wearing my
$200 jeans.

I am so jealous and... Uh -oh.

What? Is it my butt? Too big? Not big
enough?

No, they left the security tag on.

What? How did the alarm not go off?

Sometimes they don't work.

Can't we just pull it apart?

No, no, no, no, no. I did that on a
shirt once and it sprayed ink

Remember when I showed up to school with
blue hair?

Your pump phase?

For real? Now it works?

Hold on.

Oh, good. It's you.

Remember me? Sure. The girl whose mom
wouldn't let her get pants.

Well, actually, I came back and got
them, only the sales girl forgot to take

the security tag.

Uh -huh.

Have the receipt?

No. The bag?

Again, no.

See, I wasn't supposed to buy them, so I
kind of had to destroy the evidence.

Evidence?

Interesting choice of words.

Evidence. Evidence.

You know, evidence.

Well, no reason to panic, though I enjoy
watching it.

We'll just call your credit card company
for proof of purchase. Actually, I paid

cash. Oh, I get it.

Oh, good.

Thank you.

Your mother wouldn't let you buy the
pants, so you stole them. Security!

What? No, no! I'm going.

I do love it when they run.

Here you are, Gabby.

Please do not approach the perp.

The perp? Really?

Sir, your daughter tried to execute a
textbook grab -and -run.

Gabby, is this true?

Of course not, Dad. This is crazy. I
paid for them. Would you stop doing

Trust me, I've heard it all. I believe
my daughter.

She's a good girl.

Cut that out. What are we on, hidden
camera?

Cameras, yes.

Look at the security cameras and you'll
see I paid.

That's just for show. The real cameras
are right here.

Listen, ma 'am, can't I just pay for
them? Absolutely not. We have a zero

-tolerance policy for shoplifters.

You do work on commission, don't you?

Cash or charge?

Charge.

Sweetie, are you sure you're all right?
I'm so angry. I paid. Someone just

forgot to take off the security tag.
It's okay. We believe you. Of course we

All set, then. Here they are.

That's $200 plus tax.

You stole those jeans.

Considering the family, I'm going to
need to see some I .T.

Charlie, stop being so blind.

I know my daughter.

She may have spent way, way too much on
these jeans, but she didn't steal them.

You're ignoring the math, Charlie. Oh,
there's math.

I wouldn't buy her the jeans.

Now she has the jeans. One plus one
equals 200 plus tax.

You're in serious trouble, young lady.
This is no time to be playing around

outside. I'm not playing. You didn't let
me talk all the way home and then you

locked me out.

Gabby, this can all be easily solved if
you just show us the receipt. I can't. I

shredded it because I didn't want you to
see that I bought the jeans.

Where did you even get the $200?

Molly. Molly!

There, that's settled.

Don't tell me you actually believe Molly
loaned her $200.

I do.

Why don't you?

Because I once was a teenage girl.

And you stole jeans?

No, but I cheated on Tess, had a fake
ID, and on occasion borrowed my mom's

when maybe she didn't know it was being
borrowed.

Great, I married a felon.

You married a woman, and part of getting
to be a woman is going through a high

-crime area known as teenage girlhood.

You make teenage girlhood sound a lot
like Baltimore.

Honey, you have no idea.

The pressure!

Wear these clothes, buy these shoes, tag
this bus. Tag this bus? Who are you?

I didn't say I did it. I said there was
pressure.

And it was an old bus.

She did this, Charlie.

You can't see it. Because you weren't a
teenage girl.

Or she didn't do it and you can't see it
because you weren't even here for the

first 14 years of her life.

Oh.

So I don't know her as well as you do
because I'm new. In this case, yeah.

Fine. Then prepare to be wrong. Because
on this one, I promise you, former

teenage girl trumps out -of -touch old
dad.

For your information, I was once a
teenage girl.

I played Maria in a boys' school
production of West Side Story, and I was

and witty and bright.

You. You.

You told Dad and Steph about the
Jamporium.

I heard they grilled you about the
jeans.

I didn't give you up, all right?

I told them Molly lent me the money.

Really?

Why would you do that for me?

Because I gave you my word.

So, I give lots of people my word.

Yeah, well, I'm not you.

So you really, truly didn't give me up?

No.

Then I really, truly didn't flash your
bicycle tires.

But somebody did.

So I will now go fix them.

I thought you should be here for the
interrogation.

Interrogation? Gabby already told us
everything. Who are we interrogating?

Molly!

Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Phillips.

I'm sorry to stop by so late, but Gabby
texted me. She said it was an emergency.

And you have to come right away? I sent
that text. Have a seat.

Wow, this is really happening.

What's up?

Maybe you should tell us what's up.

Well, in fifth period today, Jeremy
McMullen totally cheated off of my test,

which is adorable.

Look, little girl, did you or did you
not loan Gabby $200 to buy jeans?

The Jean Val jeans?

Molly, Gabby said you did.

Objection. Leading the witness.

Objection. Not a trial.

You know what? Now that I think about
it, yes, I did loan Gabby money.

I knew it. Fire!

If I wanted to see parents fight, I
could just go home.

You know what? I'm going to go home.

Gabby didn't do it.

Molly... He backed her up. Honey, I know
something is going on. I may be new at

this, but I'm the one with the kids all
day. I have a sixth sense when they're

up to something.

Nothing gets past me.

Here's your cut, Ronnie. Hope your
girlfriend starts treating you better.

She dumped me.

I'm going to use this to buy T -shirts
like my old T -shirts.

It won't be the same.

Bad for Ronnie.

I just feel bad.

Which is weird because we're making a
killing.

Do you need to look at the money?

Nope. It's not working.

I still feel terrible.

This is not like you.

I know. We're working the perfect scam.

Business is booming.

He almost made it up to buy the big TV.

Not too Gabby.

Shabby.

Oh, no.

I just figured out what's wrong.

I have a guilty conscience.

I knew that, but you had to get there on
your own.

Hey. Hey, son. What's wrong?

Actually, I'm feeling really bad about
something.

Yeah?

I loaned Gabby the $200 for her jean.

Uh -huh.

And how did you get this $200?

I've been going online and selling the
stupid wedding gifts you never use.

Like the waffle iron and the panini
press.

Confessing seemed like the right thing
to do.

Sorry.

Did James just say the right thing to
do?

I have a panini press.

He's lying.

We need to talk about you and your
little crime spree.

We know you didn't get the money from
Molly.

James said he gave it to you. He did?

So you know I'm innocent.

No, I know you must have bribed him to
get him to cover for you. And I know we

don't have a panini press.

James doesn't just confess. And if he
really were running some crazy Internet

business, why wouldn't you just rat him
out like usual?

Because this time I gave him my word.
And my word means something.

To me, at least.

From the very beginning, I wanted to
believe you, Gabby.

But if we overlook this, it's on to
cheating on tests and tagging buses and

stealing cars. Stealing cars?

Who does that?

We can't just look at you as our
daughter.

We have to look at the whole picture.
And everything's telling us that you are

guilty.

I'm sorry, Charlie.

But the girl you just described, that
was me.

Not Gabby.

I can't explain it, but I know she
didn't steal the jeans.

Where was all the confidence when you
had me looking into scared straight

programs?

How much do you think I can get for this
stinky stuff?

That's not stinky stuff. That's my
perfume.

You get this only when you purchase the
jeans. This proves I'm innocent.

I knew it all along.

You what?

Thank you, Stephanie.

I'm glad someone believed me.

Someone? I don't know what she... Wait,
wait, I... I believed you, Gabby.

They just had to get there on their own.

This is great. I can finally wear my
jeans.

Oh, no, you're never wearing $200 jeans.

What? I get nothing?

That's so typical.

Or, if you'd like, you can get grounded
for buying jeans you weren't allowed to.

I'm good. Thank you, Daddy. Thank you,
Stephanie.

Well, the good news is my daughter is
innocent.

The bad news is my wife threw me under
the bus and then tagged the bus.

Let's not live in the past, Charlie.

Oh, this was a tough one.

Yeah, I thought I was getting three
kids.

Now it's like they're turning into full
people, all complicated and dimensional.

This means James was telling the truth
about selling our wedding gift to defend

his sister, which makes me proud.

Well, no, hopeful.

Yet also angry.

And torn all over again.

Oh, stop making this about you.

I just lost a panini press I never knew
I had. And you all know I love my

panini.

So, do you think we can get close to
$200 for the jeans? They are new with

My customers are discriminated. They
know tags can be faked.

Just like when Aaron and I got you that
new with tags dress for your birthday.

The blue one?

I love that dress.

So did Billy's mom.

I got it out of her closet.

Oh, well, you're in luck.

John Ball jeans are trending up and
selling out.

So let's say buy it now for $185.

Oh, someone already bought it. That is
amazing and so easy.

Let's see what else I can sell from my
closet.

Who am I kidding?

Your dad's closet.

I love my stuff.

Hey, James.

Let me get... You need to borrow $185.

Plus shipping and handling.