All language subtitles for Instant Mom s01e11 Babysit This

watching that stupid swamp monster
racing thing it's swamp buggy showdown

quiet join us instead of gator yeah dope
judge got real wait a minute you're

wearing my cuddly you're gonna get ice
cream all over it duh why do you think

i'm wearing yours that's why i can't
have ice cream knowing he's wearing mine

give me my cuddly before you mess it up
i'm not gonna mess it up

Gabby, I sense things are about to get
out of hand.

So let me just say... That cuddly

is coming off, and so is your head. Come
here.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. What is going
on here?

She finally snapped.

He's messing up my cuddly.

And I can't eat ice cream.

Okay, I remain confused.

He's getting ice cream all over it.

Oh, my bad.

Mine isn't the one with the button. No.

Mine is.

James, you ruined my cuddly.

In my defense, I thought it was Gabby.

But it wasn't. It was mine.

Tiffany, I sense things are about to get
out of hand.

You remember Dr. Blit, the health nut?

The guy who was always nagging you about
going to the gym?

Yeah. He had a heart attack on the
treadmill.

Oh, that's horrible.

I know.

Everyone at work felt terrible once we
stopped laughing at the irony.

Anyway, it was very minor. He'll be
fine.

You kind of buried the lead there.
Better than burying Dr. Blit.

Oh, stop looking at me that way.

Cardiologists find these things funny.
You just don't know because you're not

the biz.

Well, remind me not to have a stroke on
open mic nights.

Tell you what, why not instead you come
with me Thursday night to the cardiac

care banquet.

I've been asked to deliver the keynote.

Dr. Bliss was supposed to do it, but his
heart wasn't in it.

Really, Charlie?

Why? These jokes killing me, aren't
they?

Anyway, they want me to speak about
surgeons and the God complex.

And I want you there so everyone can see
the goddess I married.

Nice recovery, Dr.

Phillips. Wait a minute. Thursday?

My mom's out of town. We'll watch the
kids.

We'll just call the babysitting service.

There's one I used to use all the time
before your mom was around.

And around.

And around.

Great. Give me the number. Do you want
to know which babysitter I picked

beforehand? No need. I trust you.

Excuse me? I don't need a babysitter.
Oh, we know that.

It's really for Aaron and Jane. I could
be their babysitter. I do it around the

neighborhood all the time.

Hmm. What do you think, Charlie?

Oh, no.

You three kids can't be left alone
together.

I tried that once.

Ran out of the house for 15 minutes,
came back, everyone was glued to

I was just a kid then. It was six months
ago.

Exactly.

Okay, now I'm older and wiser.

All the kids my age watch their little
brothers and sisters. If anyone at

finds out we still have a babysitter, I
won't be able to show my face. I'm

perfectly capable of taking care of the
children of this house. You are a

children of this house.

James, Father Stephanie and I are in the
midst of an adult conversation.

So if you would please vacate the
premise. Why are you talking like that?

Oh, you're trying to sound grown up.

Father, Gabrielle is psychotic.

She is not fit to babysit my big toe.

Don't listen to James. I can so take
care of him. I will so take care of you.

I feel unsafe, Daddy. Please don't let
the mean lady hurt me.

All this, this is why we're hiring a
babysitter.

Sweetie, maybe we should just wait a
little and try it someday. Sure. The day

James goes off to college.

So I guess you're never gonna babysit.

Wait.

This is so unbelievably unfair.

Teenagers, what are you gonna do?

I'm late, I'm late, I'm late.

Where is that babysitter? Where's my
phone? Where are my earrings?

Not here yet in your hand and you're
wearing them.

How'd you do that?

first rodeo.

Shoot, I forgot about your cookies.
Thanks for helping me. Hey, you squeeze

dough out of the tube. I just do them in
the oven.

These ones are burnt.

Squeezing's easy.

Cooking's hard.

What's with the cookies? That's for me
to know and you to figure out.

You're trying to bribe the babysitter so
she'll let you watch that. Stupid swamp

buggy show all night. You put that
together quicker than I thought.

That's not the babysitter in.

You get it. That's Marley faces on my
cookie.

This one's getting a mad face because
he's burnt.

Stupid James.

Stupid cookies.

Stupid babysitter.

Stupid babysitter.

Worth a shot.

He must be the babysitter. I'm Gabby.
Miss Jamison.

Please come in.

Uh, Dad's already over at the banquet.
Stephanie will be down in a minute.

Oh, lovely to meet you, Kathy.

Oh. Boo!

That's good.

The alert type.

How decent reflexes.

That'll come in handy. How fast do you
think you can run a mile? A ballpark.

Excuse me, what?

They told you about James, didn't they?

No. Oh, that ain't right.

Word to the wise, I'd lose the scarf.
You don't want anything around your neck

that could be, you know, tightened.

And don't fall asleep, especially if
your clothes are flammable.

Or is it inflammable? That one always
confuses me.

Flammable? Thanks, that's it.

And the biggest thing, do not, under any
circumstances, eat or drink anything he

gives you. Oh, hey, Mrs. Babysitter.

I'm James.

Can I offer you a cookie?

I made them special, just for you.

No, thank you. Go on, eat one.

You stay away from me.

You and those cookies? They're away from
me. But they're nice cookies. They're

smiling at you.

Was that the babysitter?

Emphasis on was. She left.

She left?

Okay, what am I supposed to do now? I
should have been there ten minutes ago.

Better call that babysitter place fast.
Have them send someone else. A little

late for that. Yeah, I can't miss that
speech.

This is quite a conundrum.

If only there were inexperienced... well
-qualified, professional babysitter

standing right here in the doorway
rocking these boots.

All right, Gabby, your dad told me to
pick a babysitter.

I'm picking a babysitter, okay? It pays
$8 an hour. Are you sure you can handle

it? Thinking as the it, I say no, she
can't handle it.

Thank you, Stephanie.

Okay, and one more thing.

You gotta make clear to James and Aaron
that I have full authority. Full

authority? Why?

James, you're on fire. Stop, drop, and
roll. You're not the boss of me. That's

why.

Okay, James, Gabby has full authority.
Tell Aaron.

And then tell him what it means.

Good night.

Have fun. Don't rush home.

What's wrong, James?

You burnt, too.

There she is. Hey.

Everyone, this is Stephanie.

Hi, everyone.

Sorry I'm late.

Look at you.

I can remember when you were a foot tall
and cuter than a bug's tooth.

Now you're almost grown.

Actually, Dr. Sharp, you're thinking of
my daughter, Gabby. This is my wife,

Stephanie.

Your wife?

Well... I'm confused. I met your wife a
few years ago, and she looked completely

different.

Older.

Yes, Mrs. Sharp, that was my ex -wife,
Kimberly.

That's right, Kimberly.

Oh, what a spectacular woman.

Kimberly, you two made such a lovely
couple.

Whatever happened to her? We divorced.

And this is my new wife.

Spectacular Stephanie.

Cutting a little close there. My speech
is just about to start.

Sorry. Sitter flaked the last minute.
Listen, I had to leave Gabby in charge.

You're kidding, right?

I thought we decided that wasn't going
to happen.

We weren't there tonight, so I had to
make the call myself. And that's what I

did. I made the call myself.

You should have checked with me first.

I didn't know I needed your permission,
Dad.

They're serving steak.

Honey, would you dig down in your purse
and get out my party teeth?

My rules are the same as any other
babysitter.

Bath, brush teeth, pajamas on by 8 .30.
Then, back to brush your teeth again

because I know you didn't do it the
first time.

Lights out, 9 o 'clock, sharp.

Pardon me, warden.

time to watch swamp buggy showdown right
after you scrape the rest of that mac

and cheese off your plate and you have
to put it in the dishwasher already did

it not so fast aaron did james clear his
dish james told me to say yes so yes

so no dish now fine i'll go put my

stupid dish in the dishwasher gabby i'll
put my dish in the dishwasher

give you a paper plate you're not
supposed to put those in the dish oh

will find it

young

lady would you care

for a dinner roll i want one but i'm not
sure it's allowed charlie do i have

your permission to have a dinner roll

You have my permission to stop doing
this all night.

I'm just saying I know these kids, and I
know this is not going to end well.

Well, I know these kids, too, and I know
she can handle it, and at the very

least, I'm willing to give her that
chance.

Excuse me for eavesdropping, dear, but
you're 100 % right.

They're your children, too, for Pete's
sake.

Rosalind, they're not her children.

They're Kimberly's.

I thought that was Kimberly.

What do you do with Kimberly?

I don't know why you're so upset.

You said you trusted me to make the
call.

Yes, the call. To the service. To get
the babysitter.

If that's not Kimberly, who the heck is
that?

That's when I told you.

Kimberly is the old wife. This is the
babysitter.

What'd I miss? You missed the
dishwasher. I saw you throw your dish in

garbage. Go back in there and fish it
out. You know it's not polite to spy on

people.

Come on, James. I just want Dad and
Stephanie to see that we don't need a

babysitter. We have a babysitter we
don't need.

It's you.

They can't come home and find a plate in
the garbage. Just stick it in the

dishwasher. You don't even need to pre
-rinse. Aaron will do it. Right, Aaron?

Okay. Aaron, sit.

Okay. Aaron, go.

Okay. Aaron, stay.

Go get that dish right now or I'm
sending you to bed. Sending me to bed?

like to see you try.

Stephanie gave me full authority and I'm
warning you I'm prepared to use it.

What are you doing?

We'll just see what Dad has to say about
this.

How do you spell tyrant?

And now, ladies and gentlemen, giving
our keynote address tonight, we are

fortunate to have an esteemed cardiac
surgeon from Pennsylvania. Pennsylvania

General, Dr.

Charles Philip.

Doctor?

I'm not sure, but I think that's you.

Gabby can't punish you, and it doesn't
matter what Stephanie says.

He did not say that.

Read it and leap.

Well, let's see what Stephanie has to
say about Dad saying that it doesn't

matter what she says.

I'll ask her if I can have a popsicle.

When I was asked to speak about surgeons
and the God complex, I was a little

overwhelmed. So I discussed the topic
with my anesthesiologist, St. Peter.

But seriously, we physicians make life
and death decisions on a daily basis.

But very often, our doing so creates
within us a quality that can build

barriers. Is something wrong, dear?
Yeah. As a matter of fact, my husband

behind my back and told the kids not to
listen to me.

Jerk. Oh, heavens. You shouldn't put up
with that. If I ever meet him, I'll give

him a piece of my mind.

You know, we should introduce you to Dr.
Phillips. I hear he's divorced.

Those seeking treatment.

Who needs Swamp Buggy when you've got
RuPaul's Drag Race?

Whoa, you better work, cinnamon stick!

Why are those ladies so tall?

Why is Gabby so lame?

James, please, I'm begging you, just...
Put your dish in the dishwasher and we

can turn on your swamp buggy show. I
have a better idea.

Hey. I like that show.

that playing God is a complex subject.

Thank you.

Now I'll open it up for questions.

Dr. Phillips, I'd like to ask you
something about your big old God

Anyone else?

From the medical community?

Someone who's not a plus one?

With your hand up. I was just trying to
flag down a waiter.

Can someone get that man a waiter stat?

Still here.

Okay, fine.

Hypothetical question.

Say Dr. A is on vacation when a patient
needs a pacemaker.

So, Dr.

B, a surgeon he claims to trust, puts it
in.

Do you think it's okay for Dr. A to call
the hospital and tell them to take it

back out?

Dr. A may have a longer history with the
patient, so maybe he knows what he's

talking about.

But isn't Dr. A destroying Dr.

B's credibility with the patient?

I mean, why don't you just take away Dr.
B's license and make her a candy

striper?

Well, in that case, Dr.

A would simply explain to Dr. B that...
he would need to apologize

to her.

Doctors aren't perfect.

I'm sure Dr. B would appreciate that
apology.

I'm not certain, but I think I'm Dr.

B.

Okay, no matter what's going on with the
kids, we present a united front.

Agreed. Now on, no undermining or second
-guessing. I've already apologized.

Be a gracious winner.

Okay. One more thing.

Now we're good.

The text messages stopped an hour ago.

What do you think we're going to find in
there? Hopefully nothing that requires

a telethon.

You go first. I can't look.

One, two, three, four, five.

Nice try.

You rolled a two.

Oops. Four, three, two.

My turn.

A broken glass.

Feeling still intact.

Three kids.

Six arms. Everything looks good.

You guys worked it all out? That's what
good babysitters do.

And she's one good babysitter. And we've
got a lot of channels you don't let me

watch.

Well, here's your money, Gabby. You
earned it. You're paying her?

United Front.

Something's wrong. Nothing's wrong, Dr.
A.

The patient's resting quietly.

Let's go upstairs.

Bedtime was ten minutes ago.

I know, but they were so well -behaved,
I said we could finish the game.

Our teeth are already brushed.

We fake -brushed, and then we real
-brushed.

Charlie. All right, we'll be upstairs
and listening.

Good night. Sleep tight.

Everybody wins.

Watch that cut you win on this.

Because one day, your baby said me, and
I learned from you.

Today, you are truly my brother.

I think I've got it.

Charlie was your student in medical
school, and... and he was married to

Kimberly, and they had three kids.

Gabby's the oldest, James is the middle,
and Aaron's the baby. Then Charlie and

Kimberly got divorced, and now he's
married to Stephanie.

Oh, for goodness sake, Rosalind, not
even close.

You didn't mention Lawrence and Connie.

Those are our kids.

Well, then find my car keys so we can go
home already.

Clifford, you haven't driven in ten
years.

You better call a cab. I'm operating in
the morning.