Original subtitles

Be sure to follow the watering chart. I don't want to come home from our family

cruise to a house full of dead plants.

I raised you. I can certainly take care of some plants.

So I guess they'll water themselves and walk three miles from soccer practice

when you forget to pick them up?

You are going to be so grateful to finally get off of that floating

that you won't even be thinking about plants.

Stop it. This is going to be a fun family cruise.

Do you know why they said women and children first on the Titanic?

Those men would have rather drowned in freezing water than be stuck with their

families one more night on that boat.

You are so wrong. We are going to enjoy fabulous meals, live entertainment,

water slides, and snorkeling together as a happy, happy family. See?

You know, they're all smiling on the colonoscopy brochure, too.

You'd know how good it's going to be if you ever took me on a family vacation,

which you never did.

Because it ain't a vacation if your family's there.

Besides, I did what any sane parent would do.

I saved all of my vacation days till you went off to college.

You're just jealous because we'll be slathered in coconut oil while you're

smothered under three feet of snow.

Snow melt.

Family resentment lasts forever.

This is so cool. We're going to get to share a room.

We already shared a room.

But this room is going to be way smaller.

Where's Gabby?

She's dragging her feet.

Still whining because she's going to miss that ski trip with Molly's family.

Aw, once she's on the ship, she'll come around.

There's all night bingo.

That's your selling point.

Oh, taxi.

Okay. Is everyone excited?

Yes,

yes, yes. This is going to be the best family vacation ever. I knew you'd come

around. Not our family vacation, Molly. I can go with them on their ski trip.

Gabby, we've been over there. But, Dad, there's a bike. line on the weather map

with a big l and a spirally thing the governor has declared a state of

they just shut down the airport our family isn't going anywhere isn't that

If we miss our flight, we miss our boat. We can just catch the next one. What,

is it like every 15 minutes?

No, if we miss it, we miss it.

Vacation's over.

Oh, man, they go so fast.

Wait till you're my age.

Oh, honey, I'm sorry.

I was looking forward to us all being together, too.

And that midnight chocolate buffet, I packed my eating pants.

Those horrible yellow sweatpants?

I unpacked those, took them out, and burned them.

Also, really?

Well, at least we all get to spend some time together.

Without me, it's ski trip.

You called for a taxi?

Yes, but due to the weather, it's... It is a nice house.

I am happy to be trapped here.

I beg your pardon? Dispatcher says roads are closed.

I got to stay here.

Stay here?

You want me to wait in cab in a blizzard?

Okay. Once in a while, come take the icicles out of my nose.

No, no, no, no, no. That's okay. You can stay here with us.

I'm Charlie Phillips. What's your name?

Monarch. The rest is too complicated.

Moldova. I think we have a spray in the kitchen to get rid of that.

We have a similar joke about your Pittsburgh.

All right, everybody, do you know what?

This is going to be okay.

We are going to have a staycation.

It's a vacation, but at home. They're super trendy. What do you say?

Vacation where you stay.

Very clever, America.

Molly, maybe her dad has a snowmobile.

I'm going to go make a sandwich.

I'm allergic to tuna.

All I know is I was promised a water slide.

I'm getting a water slide.

Erin, you grab some trash bags. I grab the hose. We meet at the top of the

stairs. I'm on it.

Get all fit.

Find something less neck -breaking.

Somebody's a buzzkill.

Not an everybody -goes -off -on -their -own -like -they -always -do -cation.

Okay, just let me get this stuff upstairs, and I'll come down and help

everybody back in. Wait, wait, wait. Honey, your back.

You can't carry all of that. Oh, back feels great. I haven't had any problems

months. I think you're pushing it. Honey, I know what I can carry.

Besides, I've been working out.

Watch and swoon.

Do you need help?

No, no, no.

Just go keep swooning in the kitchen.

Oh, honey, I've got it.

I am going to recreate the whole cruise experience right here in the house.

I am going to turn up the heat full blast so we all can wear our vacation

clothes. I think that's great.

I'll set out a homemade buffet and serve umbrella drinks, and the boys will

still get to go snorkeling.

Somehow.

Tell you what, you go get started on the fun.

I'm going to put on some sunscreen and climb into this shirt, and I'll meet you

downstairs.

I love you.

Know your way around sandwich.

I like woman with some meat on her trunk.

I'm going to hope something was lost in the translation.

In Moldova, a woman like you would be worth 15 gods.

Don't you have something else to do?

14.

I knock one off for attitude.

Well, how many do you knock off for a beatdown?

Feisty, I will enjoy being trapped with you.

Where do you think us old fox will be put to sleep?

In the night.

Stephanie, darling, I've got to get out of here now. Do you have a sled?

Or even a sturdy ironing board.

No, but maybe you can help me with the imaginary cruise.

In the other room? Sure, right now.

Marco?

Marco?

Ow! Ow!

Marco?

What was that?

That's a boy who knows how to staycation.

I'll start setting up the Lido deck. The living room.

While you get Gabby to come join us in her resort wear.

I'll try.

Which boy is Gabby?

Marco?

Did you get out of here?

Marco?

Polo? What the?

Marco?

Polo?

Stay out of my closet.

Molly, I'll call you back.

Gabby.

Stephanie wants you to come downstairs, pretend we're on a cruise ship in the

living room.

You know, we wouldn't have to do any of this if you'd just taken her on family

vacation. You don't want to go with her. Why should I?

17 people in my house and nobody has anything this pretty.

I feel like a beauty piaget winner.

Let's hit the Lido deck.

Sure. I am on.

See what I did there?

If you know what's good for you, you won't walk in front of me down the

All right.

Welcome to the first annual Philip Fantasy Cruise.

Annual?

cruise director making sure this voyage together is magical can you make me

disappear if only our first super fun activity

is snorkeling among the colorful fish on our tropical reef oh boy

so it's like they're really swimming.

I can't.

They ate less than half an hour ago.

Okay, moving on to our next activity, which asks the question, how low can you

go? We can go lower than those fish.

Limbo contest.

Apparently.

suitcases. Here, Jack, let's get your back pillow.

It's fine. It's fine. I just need to rest it and under no circumstances hear

words, I told you so.

Do you hear that? No one say, I told you so.

Charlie, you don't look fine. Just go on to another activity.

What's next?

Karaoke.

walking home.

It's minus eight.

I'll watch for your frozen body on the news.

We should snuggle together for work.

No one is walking, watching, or snuggling. The cruise director says it's

sing retro pop hits because it is fun.

Can I please get a Yeti?

Storm must have knocked out the power.

There goes karaoke.

Yay!

Okay.

Trying to recreate a cruise in our living room might have been a little

-cray.

But we all can gather around a fire and have fun like in the old days.

In the old days, we had power.

No. Way back... when families would get together and read great books to each

other or play... One

word sounds like parades.

Charades!

Guess he won. Good game.

Come on, guys. I'm sure we can think of one fun thing we all enjoy.

In my house, adults enjoy...

arguing with each other, and kids enjoy fighting with implements.

It's great fun.

We could do that.

Or we could tell stories. I want to tell a story about old -fashioned

togetherness. There once was a family of pioneers that got stuck in a snowstorm.

And the bossy one made them play charades.

And so they ate her.

And her bossy bones were found piled high next to a batch of

homemade barbecue sauce.

Mom, you're going to scare the kids and put me back in therapy.

What? It's folksy.

James, Aaron, don't be scared. Grandma Maggie was just being silly.

Boyd? I don't believe it. They snuck out the back.

In a state?

No fair.

You know what? I'll be right back.

Charlie, help me look.

Okay.

You're not under the couch.

All right.

Caught off the hunt. I found them. They were upstairs playing games on Gabby's

phone. You were...

answered a bunch of texts.

You're welcome.

Stay away from my stuff.

Great. My battery's dead and so are you.

Don't get it. Don't. You can't recharge your brothers.

Don't worry about your phone. We're doing story time.

Story time?

I don't want to do story time.

I don't want to pretend swim.

I don't want to play charades in the dark. Ever since your cruise got

it's been one lame idea after another.

And ever since the cruise got canceled, you've had an attitude.

In fact, you've had an attitude way before that. Because you would let me go

my ski trip. This was our family vacation.

I don't need a family vacation. I need a vacation from my family. Excuse me,

Dad.

Stupid fish.

Oh, seriously?

Can't I have any place to myself?

You want a frozen cone dog?

It's like a cornmeal -wrapped mint popsicle.

All I want is to get away from my family.

I was the same way until I started living alone.

Wait. I thought you said there were 17 people in your house. Yes.

But I am not one of them.

That house is back in Moldova.

I come here six years ago all by myself.

And you haven't seen your family in all that time?

Not once.

Wow. If I was away for six years...

When I came back, Aaron would be my age.

I never realized I would miss them so much.

Yeah.

You know, they are terrible people.

But they are my terrible people.

That's why I drive taxi. To make money. To bring my family here.

So... What were you back in your country, like a doctor or an engineer?

No, I was a taxi driver.

Stephanie?

Can I come in?

You're really upset, huh?

Too upset to talk?

I understand, but maybe you can just listen, okay?

Thank you.

Assuming that's an okay and not, I'm a waitress and I brought your pie.

Okay.

I know you're really upset about me not getting on board the cruise ship in the

living room.

And gone with the wind?

And everything.

I know I wasn't supportive of the whole family vacation in the first place.

I was selfish.

But look.

I want to say that I did learn something on this staycation.

You are terrible people.

No, no, no. This is really sweet. Trust me.

You are terrible people, but you're my terrible people.

And the only thing worse than having this family to annoy me would be not

this family to annoy me.

Thank you.

I think you're pretty terrible yourself.

Why is everybody all still together?

We felt sorry for you.

I think your mom means we're sorry.

If I meant that, I'd have said that.

Well, I owe you all an apology, too.

I may have pushed us all together a little too hard.

Since we're all stuck here together in the dark anyway, why don't we try that

story time?

Really?

Okay, everybody.

Well, we're going to read one of my favorite books by Charles Dickens.

Okay. Bleak House.

London, fog everywhere.

Fog up the river where it flows among green apes and meadows.

Fog down the river, where it rolls to fire among the tears of shipping.

Go.

In my mind, I'm gone.

You know what is under the sofa?

Giant mutant dust bunnies.

you under there to battle them.

That's right. Kick a man when he's down.

Did you say kiss a man when he's down?

They're plowing the roads.

I can go.

Well, it was really nice to meet you, LeBac.

That's fine, but I was wondering about the money.

I beg your pardon?

Meters been running since I got here.

Must be approximately $712.

$712? Not including tip.

Well, maybe we should just charge you room and board, pal.

Fine.

Let's make it $100.

Or get me a date with the feisty lady.