Original subtitles

Zombie frogs, too?

How'd you score that?

My nana gave me 50 bucks.

Why? You stop wearing the bed?

Nope. She just gives me money for sitting there being cute.

Hi, hi, hi.

Washing machine broke it. Y 'all don't care.

Maybe not, but look. We're sitting here being cute.

Those two are. I don't know what you're doing.

What's your secret? No secret.

I'm just interested in what she's talking about.

Brody, I need specifics.

What does your Nana talk about?

Her ankles.

Grandma Maggie got two of those.

Got it. Ix and Payne, what else?

People who made her mad way before I was born.

So, ancient history. Got it.

Grandma Maggie like to talk about?

Grandma Maggie.

Do you know what this means?

No.

We have vast, untapped resource on our hands.

Yeah. Ooh, what's so exciting?

We were discussing how valuable Grandma Maggie is.

I'm on board. How much do you think we can get for her?

Mandana, I am so glad we found time to do this. I don't remember the last time

we went to the club. Oh, of course you don't. It was continuous Cosmo night.

Ides? Bless you. I haven't been carded in 20 years.

Gotta card everybody that looks under 30.

You just made me happier than my husband ever could.

That's why I'm out with this guy.

Why aren't you taking my ID?

Wait. You think I'm over 30?

You just carded Grandma Moses and her boyfriend.

I am way, way under 30, okay? I am practically sneaking in here.

You're a fresh young flower.

You in or out? I'll have you know that when I'm with my husband, people think

I'm his daughter.

It's creepy, but it proves my point. Now tell me.

That's it?

At least do the math.

Just go in, lady.

You're not getting any younger.

Keep it up, Buster. You won't be getting any older.

I'm going to have to ask you to leave, ma 'am.

Ma 'am?

Sir?

Hey, babe.

Hey, honey.

What's with all the wine?

Don't tell me your mother's moving in.

I was trying to get carded, and I had to go to five liquor stores before it

happened. And even that guy wink -winked me.

Let me ask you something.

How old do you think I am?

19?

55?

55?

I'm better with weight.

You don't get an old lady's weight.

Out, out, out.

Don't let that upset you. Kids say dumb stuff.

I mean, you must remember when you were young.

Glad you're here.

Why? Do you need to write a report about transistor radios?

Life before the wheel?

What? No.

There's this amazing college band, Twisted Monsters. They're auditioning

girl singer. I was hoping you would help me. You know, with my style.

Really? You don't think I'm too old -fashioned?

No way. I want you to use your cool to up my cool.

I know parents aren't supposed to say this, but...

All right, Charlie.

You could stay, but only if you're supportive.

I'm supportive.

What am I supporting?

I'm rehearsing for my audition for Twisted Monsters.

Right. The band with the college boys.

Supportive. The band with the young men seeking higher education.

Of course, but better. Ready?

act together.

I'm getting sick and tired of you.

I ain't gonna wait forever.

You better do it or you're through.

You're gonna do it. Okay, sweetie, let me stop you for a second.

I think you have a beautiful voice, Gabby. You just need to flex it up.

Style it up. I mean, you're on stage, right? So you've gotta sing the song

your whole body, like the great divas.

Oh, if you're going to think it like the great divas, that's fine, because

Aretha and Tina are classy ladies.

Charlie, please, those are the old divas. I'm talking about the new divas,

Mariah and Madonna.

I thought those were the old divas.

No, they're the divas from our generation.

I don't know what generation you're talking about, but my divas are Lana Del

and Ariana Grande.

Who?

Let me break it down by breaking it down.

We have never crumped. We have only seen crumping in old music videos.

We aren't feeling so bad about the hustle right now.

No, wait.

This could be good when the other girls are doing current moves. I can stand out

by going all retro like you guys.

Retro? Let me tell you something, Missy. Mmm, supportive.

Right.

You know what?

You'll do fine.

You don't need help from someone my age.

I'll just drive you to the audition.

I'll have my blinker on the whole time, but I'll get you there.

All right, ready to make some money? Always ready.

All right, let's go butter up Grandma Maggie.

Good idea.

She puts butter on everything.

Looking fine.

You've done something. Your hair. Is it curlier?

Fluffier? Crispier?

Have you lost, like, 50 pounds or something?

I will when I put you outside.

Hey, no need to get hostile.

We just want to spend some quality time with our most available grandparents.

I bet you've lived a fascinating life.

Still living it.

Perhaps you have some childhood stories you could share?

Yeah, when you were a kid, was everything in black and white?

Yes. And the whole neighborhood was excited when they discovered color.

When George Washington was president, did you vote for him?

Excuse us.

Look, you want the 50 bucks? Stop asking stupid questions.

Just follow my lead.

Follow your lead.

So, tell us, which body parts hurt?

Boy, I bet things cost less when you were young.

Well, I used to be able to buy a whole week's worth of groceries.

For $30.

I was thinking more video games.

How much did those cost when you were a kid?

Video games.

Yeah, when I was young, I could get a game for $40.

Now, they're $50.

$50.

Where's a grandson supposed to get money like that?

Where indeed?

All right, we're off.

Wish you happy luck.

Break a leg.

I'd be good for your Grandma Maggie.

Oh, we're gonna have fun tonight.

Okay.

You know, James, I could use a lemonade.

Red or white?

You talked me into it. Red.

Aaron, my shoulder is so tight.

I tell you.

But you will when you get your tiny little fingers right in there and loosen

up. Come on.

Just do it because I said so.

Okay, next.

When can I expect to hear? You just did.

Sorry, but we kind of like the notes we wrote.

I was nervous before. Now I'm about to freak out. Don't freak.

You sound great.

Just rock the mic, caress the words, and be the song. Rock the mic, caress the

words, be the song.

I forgot the song.

You did not forget the song. I don't know what comes after get your act

together. Is it something about the weather? A feather? It's not leather, is

Come on, Gabby. You better get your act together.

I'm getting sick and tired of you.

I ain't gonna wait forever.

You better do it.

Forever. Right.

Thanks, Dad.

Okay, listen up, everyone.

Thank you all for coming out, but we've made our decision.

Oh, man.

Wait, this isn't over.

Look, I don't think that's fair, not letting everyone audition.

Some of these kids have worked really, really hard, and one of them is very

talented. Whatever.

We've already found the perfect person.

Your first gig's Saturday.

Wait, what?

We want you to sing with us. You're exactly what we're looking for.

Me? Really? To sing in your college band with college kids? Me?

Twisted Monsters needs you.

What do you say?

I say yes!

No.

I couldn't. Could I?

If you want it, you should take it.

I'll take it. You can take it.

Ah, yeah!

I'm making smoothies. Do you want one? No, thanks. I feel like a popsicle.

Well, if you're talking about those lemony things, Stephanie took the last

Oh, of course she took it. She takes everything.

There's ice cream sandwiches in there. I don't want your old people snacks.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say this is not about frozen novelties.

You're obviously mad that Stephanie took that gig with the band.

Why don't you go talk to her?

If it's so obvious, why do I need to talk to her? You want me to do it? No,

she can't figure it out for herself, then apparently my feelings don't

Gabby, not that.

Stephanie's just going through some stuff.

Yeah, but you're on my side, right? You can see that she's wrong. You can at

least admit that.

Theoretically, you are not wrong about her being not right.

But what I can say is...

I've got bananas, mango, and pineapple.

How about we get crazy and toss in some kiwi?

Hey, you.

Got a minute to help me pick out an outfit for the Twisted Monster Show?

Okay, what do you think?

Be honest.

Honestly, I don't want to see you wear that on stage.

Yeah, I wasn't feeling that either. Okay, what about this one?

Uh -uh, you don't want to look like you're trying to steal the spotlight.

You're right. I wouldn't want anyone to think that.

Last one.

Hi, hi, hi.

Hey, Mom. Hey, Grandma Maggie. That wasn't for y 'all. I said, hi, hi, hi.

How do you serve it?

Sorry to keep you waiting. What can we do for you, Grandma Maggie? My car needs

a wash and a whack.

Supplies are in the trunk.

one day.

What was that?

Oh, they were just being good grandchildren.

What's this?

Oh, Gabby's helping me pick out an outfit for my first gig.

Oh, that's right.

You're still doing that?

Yeah. Well, if you need anything steamed, iron, I got a guy. And a little

Can you believe what's going on with that daughter of mine?

I know. I just don't get what Stephanie's thinking.

I mean, every ounce of that Stephanie's got was passed down from a mother.

I mean, if anybody is going to be on stage, it should be me.

You better get your act together.

full of granny panties.

Face it, Erin, this grandma's not paying off. I say we cut our losses while we

still have some dignity.

My dignity was gone when I started that back rub.

Oh, boys!

Listen, Grandma Maggie. I got you something.

Is it a video game?

Open it.

For my feet.

Go on, check out the bottom of the box.

Half a $50 bill?

25 bucks.

It doesn't work that way.

When do we get the other half?

When I can see my reflection in my heels.

Okay, so I've narrowed it down to two dresses for the gig.

Which one?

The one on the left.

What color was it?

You know, it was the bluey, greenish, reddy kind of thing.

They're black, Charlie. They're both black.

Gabby told me to go with this one.

Did she tell you where to go with that one?

Well, that came out of nowhere.

Not really.

Are you sure Gabby's cool with you doing this gig?

Honey, I've asked her a bunch of times. She's fine.

She is?

Yeah, she's fine.

Except you, apparently.

I just can't help wondering why you want to be up there with a bunch of kids.

What do you mean, a woman of my age?

I didn't say that.

You were thinking it. We're all thinking it.

Excuse me? I'm just saying that maybe the graceful part of aging gracefully

not include finging with Twisted Monster.

You are so out of touch, Charlie.

But nowhere near as out of touch as you're going to be tonight.

In our bed.

when you're not in it.

Hey, if you want to go out and embarrass yourself, you have my permission. Hey,

if I want to go out and embarrass myself, I don't need your permission.

Wow, my peeps really

turned out tonight.

Excuse me, my band needs me.

Break a leg.

Why stop at one?

Just got to do a quick mic check.

Wow. You guys look great.

I had no idea we were doing costumes.

I didn't bring anything.

It's all right. We've got you covered.

Oh, schoolgirl outfit?

That's a little naughty. I can totally rock that.

Who goes to school in these?

Nobody. You're the mom.

Twisted momsters?

You changed it?

I mean, we've been looking for a new gimmick, and when we saw someone your

at the audition, it all clicked.

Why didn't you tell me before now?

Well, you're sort of afraid you want to show up. I know my mom wouldn't.

Well, you're right. I wouldn't have shown up.

Find some mother old hag.

Mic works.

I wish you had just told her how you felt from the beginning.

Gabby, sometimes it's important to be direct with people.

You're right.

Stephanie, I'm glad you got humiliated in public. You shouldn't have stolen my

gig. Not that direct.

Where is this coming from, Gabby?

You said you were fine with this. If you would have told me how you felt, I

would have never taken the gig.

I shouldn't have needed to tell you. What part of passive -aggressive do you

understand?

Okay, what did I do that was so wrong?

All I did was go to your audition and sing your song and take the gig you

wanted. Oh, boy, that's bad.

You think?

Gabby, I'm so sorry.

It just felt like I went from it girl to old lady in the blink of an eye.

I freaked.

Yo, one last chance if you want in. Otherwise, we found this girl who'll

it.

Girl? You don't send a girl to do the job of a momster.

Steph, you don't have to do this. Oh, I do.

I am the O .M. original momster.

We used to say that back in the day.