All language subtitles for Instant Mom s01e02 The Lying Game

It's my birthday. It's my birthday.

Yes. Oh, and there's going to be a
little bit more jiggle in my wiggle

of those birthday pancakes.

And they were delicious, even if I did
have to make them myself.

In our defense, we woke up and you were
already here cooking.

In my defense, I was hungry.

Besides, who sleeps late when you have
guests in the house?

Guests don't usually break in.

Why don't we open these presents and get
you on your way? Mine first.

Ooh, yes.

And it is a rock.

It's not a rock.

It is a doorstop. A paperweight.

Weapon. Come on, give me something.

It's a turtle for your turtle
collection.

I don't collect turtles.

Until today.

And this is the first one, and very
special.

I gave you a turtle for Christmas,
remember?

The red rock?

Well, I'm going to put this one next to
that one, which I most definitely did

not throw in the garbage.

My turn.

I saw it on TV. It's a special necklace
for when you fall down.

These are on you.

Don't get it twisted, little boy.

I'm not much older than your daddy.

And your birthday's coming up.

Bam! Gift idea.

Bam! Keep thinking.

I got you something you'll like. Oh, a
gift certificate for a mani

-pedi. Oh, I couldn't afford your usual
place. This one's just as good.

But go early in the day, that's when
they change the water in the book. And

but not least, something for me and
Charlie. Yes, I know what it is. It is

Nikimoto pearl necklace that I have been
drooling over.

Or something I don't want.

Maggie, you'll love it. You can read
books, play games, download apps for

different interests. My interest is
pearl.

What's the things you can do at your own
house?

That's right. It's kind of a present for
everybody.

I will break that finger.

We're going to go watch the fixers whoop
the neck.

Why are you wearing two jackets?

Watch this.

James, it's going to rain later. You'll
need a jacket.

I'm good. That's why.

Oh, sweetheart.

You have not been married long enough to
let it all hang out that hard.

Aaron's school is doing beautification
day, and we're picking up trash along

roadside. Well, you do know it's going
to rain later, so I guess it's okay that

you haven't done anything with your...
anything.

Oh, hush. I'm doing the mom thing, and I
am kicking butt.

So far this week, I've hit two soccer
games, had a teacher's conference,

an all -nighter making costumes, clocked
300 miles running carpool, and today

I'm volunteering to pick up trash and
roadkill. After a week like that, I'd

like roadkill.

Well, you're not me.

But I wish you were.

I'm exhausted.

I had no idea what I was signing up for.

You didn't see them children at the
wedding.

I'm going to go wait for the van. We get
to touch dad's stuff.

With gloves.

Every week's been crazy like this. I
can't even get a manicure. Look at these

raggedy claws.

Oh, I can't believe they're related to
me.

Honey.

Blow off the garbage party and go take
care of yourself.

There's a van full of moms picking us up
in ten minutes.

Anyway, I can't tell Aaron I'd rather do
my nails than clean up the planet.

So lie.

You don't lie to kids. Of course you do.
I lied to you all the time.

Do you really think they tore down the
zoo when you were seven?

What? You drove me there, I thought,
with my own eyes.

That was a construction site.

I got this. before the workers arrived,
threw a little hay around.

But, Mom, I loved the zoo. I was always
begging to go. And then you stopped.

Brilliant. I even took up a collection
for those homeless animals.

Well, if you miss the zoo so much, take
your own three children there. Mm -hmm.

Walk around in the hot sun all day to
not see the lion, because he's sleeping

behind a rock. Then drop $50 on a hot
dog lunch and bang! Breathe in the

shrieking of other people's children.

Why are you here again?

I forgot my password.

Okay, what were you doing when you set
it up?

Merlot.

What do you know?

We could have figured that out with a
phone call.

Roadkill. Cool.

Uh, except I, um, I locked my key, uh,
to the house. I

can't lock the door.

I sure wouldn't want anything to get
stolen, like our furniture.

Or your popsicles.

You stay here and guard the freezer.
Bye.

I can't believe I just lied to a child.

And? It's like...

Magic.

Hey, Steph.

Can you please make me one of your
famous sandwiches?

Sure. Only instead of ham and cheddar,
can I get turkey and Swiss?

And can I get it melted all the way
through instead of toasted?

Oh, and sliced avocado instead of
tomato. I really love that.

Thanks so much.

Uh, you know, I can't. I burned my hand.

Really? Let me see. Oh, no. No, I have
it on ice.

You could make your own sandwich.

Eh, who wants to do all that work?

Not me.

Hi,

Mom.

Uh, yeah, no, you know, I can't talk
right now. I'm at the mall.

There's a huge sell at the Cookie
Emporium. It's a madhouse.

Hey, lady, get your hand off my
chocolate chip.

Game recognized.

is gay.

What are you doing here? You just went
home three hours ago.

Yeah, because this thing, it works so
much better over here.

I don't have Wi -Fi.

Then go to a cafe. I don't feel like
coffee.

How about a muffin?

Oh, that sounds good.

And while you're in the kitchen, I'll
take a coffee.

Ah, would you look at that? A person who
knows the proper way to enter someone

else's home.

Good afternoon.

We're having a one -week -only special
on home security in your neighborhood.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I can't right now. I just got out of the
shower.

I'll come back at a better time. Oh, no
can do. We're moving out Friday.

Kaboom. You just lied to that guy.

No. No, I didn't. I kind of told the
truth.

That wasn't the truth at all.

I did just take a shower.

This morning.

Guy was wasting his time, okay?

Sometimes lying can be an act of
kindness to help people get through the

it wasn't a lie. It was a non -literal
shading of reality.

Okay, that's cool.

I didn't just lie.

I lied about lying to my child.

And thus the student becomes the master.

We're sorry to interrupt, Mr. Summers,
but James here has told me something a

little disturbing about why he couldn't
do his homework.

Of course. Come on in.

James, it's okay. You can tell the
principal what happened in your house

night. Really?

He seems too busy to listen to my little
troubles. I guess I'll just scoot on

back to class. Good talk.

Oh, I'm never too busy for one of my
students, James. Go ahead and tell me

you told Mrs. Marsha.

Well, I wanted to do my homework.

Of course, I do love fractions, one
half, five eighths, crazy stuff.

But I couldn't because my parents locked
me in the basement.

You can see why I brought him down here.

Yes.

Tell me more about your time in the
basement.

You know, basements, they're all dark
and I have to sit on the dryer.

Why would you have to sit on the dryer?

Glad you asked, because the floor's too
scary.

Why is the floor scary?

Because of gators.

Gators. Yeah, that's it. Because you
know how people flush gators down the

toilet and they go into the sewers?
Well, one got up into our basement and

it's giant for me and all our rats.

I probably should have asked them follow
-up questions first.

Well, James, that's a very sad story
that you've told.

I know, but it's okay.

Oh, chill.

I mean, it's sad that you thought I'd
believe it.

You're lying.

And lying has consequences.

For instance, you will spend lunch today
in detention doing that homework.

That's not fair.

I only lied because my stepmom said it
was okay. She said lying is an act of

kindness that helps a person get through
the day.

So, how's your day going?

You don't need to take off work for
this, okay? I can handle it. Why don't

go back to the hospital and do some of
that heart -fixing stuff?

Well, that's sweet, but I'm already
here.

I don't know what's gotten into James.

He's pulled a lot of stunts before, but
he's never lied to his teachers.

Yeah, but this is just going to get you
upset.

So why don't you go, and I'll fill you
in at home?

Oh, Stephanie, I'm not leaving.

Well, then I'll go.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

specifically said that he wanted both of
us here.

I wonder why.

I bet he's giving us a big old trophy
for being the best parents ever.

Trophy?

You didn't spend much time in your
school principal's office, did you?

Not really.

Because I'm good.

It's important you remember that,
Charlie.

I'm good.

Sorry to keep you waiting.

Please have a seat.

Boiler room toilet's backed up.

Fake cutback.

Glad I got that PhD.

A non -literal shading of reality.

You have any idea where James would
learn to justify lying like that?

Playground.

Neighbor's kid.

They are kind of sketchy.

The little girl with the rat face.

Right, it was me.

But my mother started it.

I can see why James is having some
trouble taking responsibility for his

actions. You told James to lie?

No, no, no. I was lying and was
explaining why it wasn't a lie. And

truth.

Charlie, I don't know what to say. I got
overwhelmed with all of this new

parenting stuff, and a little lie here
and there made it easier, and I guess I

just started doing it kind of a lot.

What's a lot?

Well, if you're talking about last
night, that was real.

You're amazing.

Look, I never thought my lying would
make James lie.

Well, that's what kids do. They follow
your example.

Honey, I am so sorry.

I feel awful.

I really blew it.

Oh, look.

Honesty's back.

I was being honest when I said you were
amazing.

Okay, we're done here.

Big smiles again, everyone.

This is going to be my wallpaper.

Come on now. We can be here all day
long. I got a very steady hand and

nowhere to go.

Nope. Nope.

That's a picture of me again.

There's only three buttons.

And they all do the wrong thing.

You see this face?

You dig this.

I've got that one.

Well, you're mad.

Okay, everybody take a seat.

Good.

We need to talk about values.

This family tells the truth, no matter
what.

But that didn't happen today.

It's not the compass.

What do I need with the compass?

To find your way home? That seems to be
a problem.

Hey, liar, liar, and pants on fire.

You might want to both pay attention.

You can never go wrong telling the
truth.

Honesty has its rewards.

Yes? I took $20 from your wallet
yesterday.

Ah, you're grounded.

What? Where's my reward? Lord.

Anyone else?

James also broke the remote.

Hey, and he scratched Stephanie's car
with his bike. He meant be honest about

yourself.

You scratched my car and then you
watched me make a valet cry?

Yeah, well, Gabby broke the bathroom
window. That was you.

Yep. No, I broke the kitchen window.

I need to stop talking.

You owe me $20, a new remote, some
windows, I've lost track.

But two weeks with no electronics for
lying at school.

Did you know that's Nora?

So you never lie, Daddy?

That's right.

That's how I was raised.

Mm -hmm.

Mm -hmm? What mm -hmm?

Nothing. No, say it.

I just remember one time you weren't
very honest.

When? When we first met.

Name it. Don't make the accusation if
you can't back it up.

Fine.

You didn't tell me you were divorced
until our third date or that you had

until our fourth.

What? That's messed up. Why didn't you
tell her about us, Daddy?

Because I didn't know how serious the
relationship was going to get.

Is that right?

We had a pretty serious second date, if
I recall. We probably wouldn't have had

a pretty serious second date if I had
told you. So it's okay to lie if it

getting what you want? No, I didn't say
that. That's what it sounded like. This

is grown -up talk.

We'll continue with this conversation
later.

Yes, I think I got that all on video.

And what I just said on video.

And what I just just said.

Okay, how'd you turn off the video?

What were you thinking, spilling all
that to the kids?

You tipped me over and it just came
pouring out.

There is a difference between adult
honesty and kid honesty.

Oh, I thought we were a family that told
the truth no matter what. But there are

things children don't need to know. And
that's when you lie to them? No, that's

where I avoid situations where I'd have
to lie.

Oh, really?

Let's see.

George Washington, real or not real?

Real. What do I win? Not yet.

SpongeBob SquarePants?

Not real.

Duh.

Santa? Real.

Easter Bunny? Real. The Tooth Fairy? A
whole dollar worth of real.

Thanks for playing.

You can go.

Do you want to get a prize?

How about a hug?

That's a stupid game.

Okay.

But we are not kids.

Between us, there needs to be complete
honesty.

Are you sure you want to go there?

Of course.

Fine. You're starting to grow hair out
of your ears.

I am not.

Hair out of my ear.

Yeah.

Ew.

What do you think Stephanie meant by a
pretty serious date?

Stay hot hand?

Ah, you're so young.

number four combo meal.

Knowing Dad, that sounds about right.

Hey, who put the empty milk carton back
in here?

It depends.

Are we still doing that honesty thing?

It's not a thing. It's a way of life.

All right, come on, guys. Everybody up.
Come on.

Hands in on honesty, okay?

One, two, three.

Sorry, in the middle of a heart
transplant, Jeff came home for juice.

I've got jury duty.

Homework. Play Jake.

Computers aren't real.

Jane, what are you doing? I told you to
rake up the leaves out front.

I was doing that, and then I got scared.

Why? There's gators out there?

Words. Clowns. Lots of them.

Seriously, clowns? Yeah. Yeah, big red
noses, crazy hair, giant shoes.

You know they give me nightmares.

James, I can't believe after everything
we've been through, you're lying to us

again.

Hey, lady, you got a phone?

Our car broke down, and I got 12 guys
and a goat sweating in a Mini.