Original subtitles

Welcome to Important Things with Dimitri Martin. I'm Dimitri Martin.

Tonight's important thing is safety.

Let's see where to begin.

Okay, we have jokes, pinata knife surprise,

or backup hard drive.

Let's go with jokes.

I think it would suck to get rug burned during a fire.

Oh man, now I'm going to get two kinds of burn?

You've got to be kidding me.

And then somebody says something sassy to you?

That's a triple burn right there.

I think about safety all the time. I'm really careful too, even in my own home.

You know, I have scented candles like all over the place.

I never light them, I just have them there.

But I have them because I know that if I wake up in the middle of the night and

I'm like...

Lilac. Crap, there's a fire.

We got to get out of here. It smells good and it's dangerous. Let's go. Let's

go.

People always use like sound like it hurts your ears. I don't want like wah,

wah. I'm like, you know, I'm burning.

And now also my ears are getting hurt.

I'd rather work with the fire on getting myself out of there. You know what I

mean?

I was in the LAX airport and they made an announcement. You must maintain

contact with your belongings at all times.

But I had on a backpack, so I was like, oh man.

I want to design an actual tourist trap.

Hey honey, look at these donuts. No, don't go in there!

At the new Springhaven, home for the elderly, we know you're looking for a

comfortable community for your loved ones.

And we know how to provide it.

Now, you may have heard stories about Springhaven.

Some of which were true.

But under new management, Springhaven offers nothing short of quality service.

Our residents enjoy state -of -the -art facilities, where they will no longer be

raced down the hallways at terrifying speeds in their wheelchairs.

just so the orderly whose old person wins gets $5 from the rest of the

In addition, we have agreed to stop serving plastic fruit.

Here at the new Spring Haven, we won't make empty promises that Tony Bennett is

coming to perform, only to announce minutes before the show that Tony called

said he doesn't perform for losers.

Our days of printing fake newspapers with disturbing headlines are over.

Unless it's Fake Newspaper Friday.

We employ only the most competent night nurses, the kind that never dress up as

the grim reaper and then tell old people in the middle of the night that it's

time to go for a walk.

I'm the founder of Spring Haven Home for the Elderly, and at the new Spring

Haven, I'm not allowed on the premises.

And Spring Haven will continue to improve in the future.

We'll be increasing our minimum room size.

We're going to rethink our use of experimental laxatives.

And our field trip bans will only be driven by licensed drivers.

We're putting an end to mandatory piggyback rides, and in coming years, we

no longer shoot at residents with paintball guns.

And we're not going to put bug in anyone's mouth.

Spring Haven.

No more pinatas.

No more dodgeball. No more farming.

No more jokes.

The new Spring Haven.

Welcome home.

Okay.

Ow. Ow,

Meg. Okay, stop.

No, no, no.

No. Ow.

Hey, grab the laptop.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, God.

What? I'm not touching that.

Why not?

There's a pube on it. Huh? A pubic hair.

How safe is your home?

Does your home security system have the proven strength and power of pubes? At

PubeSafe, our trained technicians will place pubes on all your valuables. Other

home security systems are effective most of the time, but no one ever wants to

touch a pube.

That's why they've been nature's theft deterrent for centuries.

Use it on your car.

Your wallet.

Protect your children from kidnappers.

Damn it, I hate pubic hairs.

Yeah, you and everyone else on this planet.

Pube safe.

Don't get robbed.

Get pubed.

Okay, settle down, everybody.

Settle down.

Say sex.

During sexual intercourse, the man lies down with the woman and puts his member

inside her.

The witch then casts a spell, and sometime later, the woman emits a

person. Now, this is very important. If you don't want your partner to become

pregnant, gentlemen, you have to be responsible and take things slow.

Slow.

Smear lamb's blood on window.

The lamb's blood repels the witch.

Witches hate lamb's blood. They're actually allergic to it.

That is how you prevent the witch from casting the spell that makes the woman

pregnant. Now, any questions?

Gregor. What if you're having safe sex and the window breaks?

You should stop having sex immediately and leave your house because there's a

witch in there. Now, I'm giving each of you a small vial of lamb's blood.

This is controversial.

But I'd rather you get it here than be too embarrassed to go to the apothecary

and get it.

I'm going to need a bigger vial.

Very funny.

Yes.

Sorry to bother you, but my father has been teaching me about the sperm theory.

Let me guess. Your father said that a woman becomes pregnant when a man

ejaculates sperm into her body.

Is that right?

That's exactly what he said, yeah. Right.

This is from the same man, if I'm not mistaken, who told everyone in the

that plague is carried by rats.

Yes.

Okay. How about we leave the science fiction to science fiction and the

to the priest?

My apologies.

While you're at it, you can tell your dad that space is bull.

All right. Remember, always practice stage sex.

Look at the notes I gave you.

If it's the summer solstice, she's going to get pregnant if you light a fire

after midnight she's going to get pregnant if a toad has crossed the bed

going to get pregnant if you have sex with an older woman someone who's over

she's probably going to get pregnant if you have sex with a lamb the lamb will

not get pregnant that's how we learn that lamb's blood is useful if you have

on a boat you might die

Okay, I hope some of this sunk in. If you take these precautions, you can live

safe and disease -free and well into your 20s.

Let's take a look at the large pad to do a quick analysis of safety.

I love the saying, safety first, because it makes me wonder, what's next?

Safety first, then danger.

Yes! Dessert. I can't wait. Let's get safety done so I can have a snack.

A lot of creatures tell you what to do when you're around them in order to stay

safe.

Write in their name.

Like a duck.

Duck. Watch out. There's a duck coming towards your head. Duck.

There's a bat. Bat it away.

There's a badger.

Badger it. Bother it.

Badger that badger.

Some animals are tricky.

Like the lion. It's the opposite.

Do not lie on.

That's a trick.

Even trickier, blowfish.

When the van first came out, creeps must have been like, okay.

A room with no windows that moves? Yeah.

Definitely.

Nice.

Heider? No, no, no, no.

Stop. You like that, right? Ow.

Gnocchi. What is it? Gnocchi. Nope. Gnocchi. Nope. Come on. Ow.

Gnocchi.

Ow. Gnocchi.

Gnocchi. Please, it's the Italian potato sauce.

There's some basic things we all learn about safety when we're growing up. Some

kind of rules, you know, that you've heard from your parents or whatever.

But a lot of them are incomplete or they're outdated, so I just wanted to

through a few and correct them right now.

First, you've heard never run with scissors.

Yeah, it's true.

Most of the time.

However, let's say you're cutting some construction paper and suddenly an

intruder enters your home.

You have scissors.

Get up and run with the scissors.

At him and then stab him in the leg.

And if you want, you can even, like, open the scissors once they're in his

So it's really never run with scissors most of the time, but sometimes run and

lunge with scissors.

Next, don't play with matches.

Okay, great advice.

Unless you want to actually have fun.

Kids, you know what I'm talking about.

FYI, it's only arson if you did it on purpose.

Next, don't talk to strangers.

Sure. Unless you want to meet anyone ever.

Important Things Things.

Things coming soon from the Important Things store.

It's a life vest with a much more effective design.

It's a life vest that smells like shark crap.

So if sharks swim up to you when you're in the water and you're wearing the

vest, they're like,

ugh, that smells like my ass.

Let's get out of here.

Patent pending.

Check this one out.

It's a water pistol pistol.

So it's a water gun that's also a gun. And that's great for if you want to

somebody, but then also shoot them.

And also you can clean blood off with it.

So that's a triple whammy.

Okay, now, it's a thing for rollerblades.

It's like a solution.

Let me show you.

Problem. You like rollerblading, but you hate getting beaten up every time you

do it.

Solution.

The giant sneaker rollerblade cover from Important Things Thing.

Now you don't look like a guy who's rollerblading.

You look like a guy with really big feet who's just gliding around.

So cool.

So safe.

You should buy them.

Definitely.

Here.

Let's stick it to the man.

Let's stick it to the man.

Let's stick a band -aid on his hand.

Cause in this case, the man is bleeding and he needs help.

Homonym. Acronym. Ow!

Ow, Megan! Megan, stop!

Homonym. Acronym.

Homophone.

Homophobic. Ottoman!

Ow!

This is a sketch. Yes, it is.

This is a sketch. That's right.

This is a sketch. Sketch it up. Sketch.

That could take out the entire eastern seaboard. I'll be right there.

Can you let me in?

You gotta swipe your ID.

This is an emergency!

Swipe the ID.

The proton accelerator is about to explode!

Swipe it!

Look, you don't understand.

There's an emergency.

Right. Swipe your ID.

Again, I... Swipe. You're not...

You don't understand.

Maybe you don't understand.

You gotta swipe your ID.

Look! The proton accelerator is about to explode.

I -D.

Swipe. It's on my nightstand! If your nightstand shows up, I'm gonna let it

Please. You gotta swipe your ID.

Here comes the profanity. Goodbye.

Will someone please come over and open?

Just let me through this goddamn door!

You have killed us all!

Remove your hands from the gate and swipe your eyes!

I walked in the lobby of this building and the security guard said, and you

I said, finishing the sentence, bitch.

Gonna start my paragraph? I don't think so.

I should have said when he went, and you are asking you who you are.

Very important fairy tales.

The Royal Food Taster.

Ah! Hello, sire. Hello, food taster. Your dinner.

Oh, here we go.

Well, let's do it. Mm.

Taste my food.

Oh, thank you, sire.

Oh, thank you, sire.

Not for me.

Here's the thing.

You're my food taster. I'm going to have to put my foot down. Taste my food.

All yours.

No one like a maverick.

Taste my food.

Ah. This reluctance to the basic tenet of your job.

I'm fascinated.

What's it about?

Well, sire, your dinner has been poisoned.

It's been poisoned? Yes.

Who do you think poisoned it?

I wonder. Let's have a guess.

It was... No.

Yeah. You poisoned the food.

Yes. Food taster.

Yeah. Right. Did your plan, this dastardly plan, completely rely upon me

as king for the first time in my entire life not wanting you to taste this food?

Indeed. Oof. It was a long shot.

Yeah. Hail Mary.

Mmm.

Really? Well, God, you're still going for it. And that I admire.

Tell you what, I will. I'll give it a go, shall I?

I'm eating it.

I'm eating it.

Oh, look at him. I'm eating it.

Yeah, I'm eating it. Oh, yum, yum. Kill him.

Kill him.

Kill him.

See? What?

Heteronym.

That's what I said. You didn't say that. That's what we agreed on, and that's

what I said. You didn't say that. Yes, I did. No, you didn't. I said it.

Like 70 times in a row.

Sorry.

I'd like to take a moment to thank some of our sponsors for tonight's important

thing, safety.

Safety brought to you by a fat guy getting stuck in an inner tooth.

Safety brought to you by dry humping because chafing now is better than

later.

Safety brought to you by trying to show off.