All language subtitles for Important Things s01e01 Timing

Things with Demetri Martin. I'm Demetri
Martin. This is a show about things. In

every episode, I examine one important
thing.

Tonight's important thing is timing.

Timing. Okay.

Really important thing here. A lot of
ways to cover it. What should we start

with?

Okay, we got some options.

We can start with jokes, go 25 years
into the future, or watch a watch.

Jokes.

I think the worst time to get amnesia
would be like Halloween.

What is your name?

I don't know.

But I'm pretty sure I'm a hobo.

Who's got a sweet tooth.

I wonder if there are any goths in
gothic times.

They're like, you look completely
appropriate.

You don't look stupid or lonely at all.

I was in this building, and there was a
door, and on the door it said, this door

must remain closed at all times.

I was like, dude, you're thinking of a
wall.

That is a waste of a door. What are you
doing?

I hate meeting babies.

Dimitri, this is Kevin.

Hey, what's up?

What the hell do you want me to say?
He's not going to remember me.

Dimitri, this is Kevin. Ah, we met last
week.

And you didn't even freaking look at me,
Kev.

I believe you were shitting in your
pants when we spoke.

I think a good place to be during an
earthquake...

Would be like in bed with somebody Like
if it were timed right you

would seem like the biggest stud in the
world How was it

he ruined my apartment

David I did this You did it you know you
whore okay

cut really needs to be more anger okay,
okay, and don't forget about the vase

Right okay, so angry anger.

Okay. She betrayed you anything for me
done perfect. It was great.

You're great Let's go again and action I

did this

You did it. You know. You cheating
whore.

Cut. What?

Oh, my God.

It's okay.

I know.

I know. You're doing great.

It's going to work.

I want to see that anger. That anger.
That's what you need. Get angry. I got

You're angry. I'm doing the scene. Use
that. Use that anger. You don't have to

tell me what I need to use. Okay. I'm
not talking. Ready? Let's do the scene.

And action.

You're the one who forced me into this,
David.

Oh, yeah?

I disagree strongly with any fourth
thing on my end.

You know, you whore.

Cut. Cut. What? Come on.

Okay.

Damn it. That's it. There we go. Don't
touch me. That's perfect. Use that anger

right now. Let's do it. Okay. Use it.
Okay.

Anger. You're furious.

Action. You're the one who forced me
into this, David.

You know what gets my goat? If I could
just... Cheating.

Really not cool when you cheat on me.
Oh, God, I hate it. I get so mad when

cheat on me. God! God damn it!

Suicide! Anger!

Get a vase!

Reset the vase!

I slept with your best friend. What? I
feel really guilty, but I slept with

best friend.

You slept with Chris?

No, no, no. In the movie, you idiot.

What are you talking about my friend
Chris for when we're doing a movie with

Larry? No, you idiot. I'm trying to get
you there. I'm trying to help you. Oh,

you're trying to manipulate me to make
me mad for the scene?

I'm trying to get the scene so we can
all go home. Every take I've been here,

pushing and pushing and giving, but
you're giving me.

What? You.

You cheating whore!

You forced me into this!

God damn it!

Can we roll now? Can we roll? Actually,
we never stopped rolling. We got the

whole thing. What?

That was great. What do you mean you
never stopped rolling? Shut up!

You're rolling?

The whole time?

That's a private moment!

No, no, no!

This is a sketch. Yes, it is.

This is a sketch. That's right.

This is a sketch. Yes, it is.

Let's take a closer look at timing now
by looking at some data.

This is the frequency with which a
person urinates not in the bathroom

age.

Very interesting curve.

When you're a baby, you do that a lot.

And you kind of grow up, and then you go
to college, and it's like right back

up.

This is pretty interesting.

Time increments.

Okay, you've heard of some of them.
Fortnite, that's two weeks.

Score, 20 years.

Less common,

the Ford score.

When you get laid every 20 years.

A millisecond, okay, we know what a
millisecond is.

But a milli -vanilli second, that's the
amount of time milli -vanilli was

popular.

And a millenni -vanillium is the amount
of time during which you can do milli

-vanilli jokes, which we may have just
exited.

I bought a clock, and then the big hand
broke off it.

I didn't want to throw it away, so I
just added ish to every number.

I love Christmas cookies, but it's
frustrating because you can't have those

cookies the rest of the year because
it's not appropriate seasonally, you

I hate that.

I think you can have them. Even in the
summertime, you just have to reframe the

cookie. You know what I mean? Like, hey.

I got some pine trees here. Anybody want
a pine tree?

These non -denominational stars are
still hot.

Can I get another girl with a f***ed up
bat cookie, please?

These saggy hunchbacks are delicious.

You okay, Rookie?

What is time?

Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick.

They cock on the clock.

9, 3, 7, 20, or 4, 40. I time the clouds
of my

mind. I time, oh, mine.

This is my watch, dog.

Whoop, ooh, ah, ooh, oh.

Time, what?

King. At 11 .36 on the night of January
the 17th, Jerry Pappas was attending to

his normal janitorial duties at the
Goodwin Laboratory when he came upon a

futuristic machine which the scientists
had ineffectively attempted to disguise.

Jerry instantly understood that he had
stumbled upon a time machine and

he set out to do something truly noble.

Hey, there, there, Mary Magdalene.

We're all going to miss Jesus. He's a
really good guy.

Come here, tell Jerry about it. But that
night, for the first time in almost two

years, Jerry Pappas got laid.

The next morning, after an awkward
brunch with Mary Magdalene, Jerry

the present, took a quick trip to the
local Halloween store, smeared himself

with body spray samples and became...
The Time Gigolo.

Okay, I'll tell you what. If the stock
market doesn't crash tomorrow, I'll give

you a thousand bucks.

What's the catch?

If it does crash, then we get weird at
your place.

You're on, Dax.

Rock and roll.

Rock -a -what?

No ride.

Hey.

Tough day on the market.

Come to pop.

Quite a potato famine we're having.

Hey, sir.

Pretty insane how many potatoes I have
right here.

Hey, sir.

Rock and roll?

Dead ladies!

Hey, Betsy Ross.

And who are you, young man?

I'm the head of the flag deciding
committee.

What's it going to take?

With nothing but a crude sense of
history and a stolen time machine,

sexed his way through the part.

He was unstoppable until... I've never
given this diagnosis

before, but your balls have polio.

Uh -huh.

Oh, Jerry!

Onion rings. I really like the onion
ring, because it...

Teamwork, it's the onion and the ring
working together to give me something

delicious.

But I hate when I take the first bite
and then the onion gets impatient and is

like, I'm going now.

Ow, onion, what are you doing, man?

Be patient.

My girlfriend's probably like, where the
hell is he?

She's going to be pissed.

I went out for goat's milk, and then
boom, this happens.

Talking about getting unlucky.

Oh, God, I could use a shave and
anything else.

Hey, timing is everything.

That's a cliche.

Now.

But if I said that a long time ago, I
would have been really original.

Think about it.

I want to do a demonstration right now
on timing.

Timing is important to music as well as
comedy, so I'm going to try to combine

the two in this demonstration.

Jerry? Hey, it's Dr. McGuire again from
the lab.

Okay, listen, no one's accusing you of
stealing the time machine, okay? But you

haven't been around here for a while,
and if it were to, say, suddenly appear,

we would be very grateful, okay?

All right.

Take care.