Original subtitles

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

Well, Chris, looks like another day

of nobody joining us for lunch.

Yeah, we never should've let

that blind girl touch our faces.

(feedback squeals)

Attention, students. This is Principal Shepherd

with the lunchtime announcements.

And as a special treat, I thought I'd deliver them

in the rapping style you kids are so enthused about.

♪ Later today you're gonna have a big thrill ♪

♪ 'Cause shortly after lunch there'll be a fire drill ♪

♪ And when you go out to wait for the bus ♪

♪ Mm, go in orderly fashion, or your hair will get mussed. ♪

You suck.

No, you suck.

I can't hear you, I just presume

somebody must have yelled "You suck."

Anyway, last announcement:

Don't forget it's time to vote for homecoming king and queen.

Nominations are due by 3:00 p.m. today.

Peace out.

No, you're a douche bag.

Wow. Can you imagine if one of us was homecoming king?

Then people would want to sit with us at lunch.

Yeah, you should run.

I'll nominate you.

You know what? I'll do it.

Maybe I'll surprise everyone,

like when you find out a buttoned-up librarian

is actually super sexy.

Excuse me, ma'am?

("Hot Blooded" by Foreigner plays)

♪ Hot blooded... ♪

Yes?

There's a dead homeless man blocking the card catalog.

Well, there goes Jerome,

loading the urinal up with ice.

Gonna go play me my melting game.

Man, I'm starting to get drunk.

Is it even noon yet?

Uh, it's only 10:40. 10:40?

Ah, crap, we gotta get out of here.

That's when Taco Bell throws all

the breakfast food in the Dumpster.

Can't let that raccoon get all of it.

Ooh, man, you're right.

You know, this is great, guys.

Drinking and eating garbage.

I'm glad we all took a mental health day.

Hey, where'd everybody go?

I don't know where they went,

but someone's got to pay this check.

Damn it. They left without me, and now I'm stuck with the bill?

Man, who do those guys think I am, Mark Zuckerbrothers?

Seems like they do that a lot.

Tell you what, this one's on me.

Thanks, Jerome.

Since there's no one here,

do you mind turning the TV up?

That little Lamisil guy always makes me laugh.

(laughs) Yeah.

What do you think he is, like a Martian?

Like a little shoe Martian?

I don't know.

I just hope he ain't down there in my shoes.

No, he's loud.

If he were down there, we'd know it.

I ain't got no toenails nohow.

Hey, everybody, guess what.

I'm running for homecoming king!

You're what?

Yeah. Neil nominated me.

Why are you home from school and Meg's not?

(gasps) Has she taken a lover?

Well, the voting is tomorrow, so I've got to write my speech.

Luckily, "Chris Griffin" rhymes with "homecoming king,"

so I've got my opening line.

Oh, my God.

Did you see how excited he is?

Yeah, isn't that great?

No, it's not great.

Chris is not homecoming king material.

He doesn't have a chance of winning.

We got to be at that school tomorrow

to help pick up the pieces when he loses.

(bell dings)

Oh, my Hot Pocket!

Ow, it's hot!

(horn honking)

Oh, that must be Jerome.

What the hell is Jerome doing here?

We didn't order any drinks.

No, he and I got plans.

We're gonna go down to Carver High School

and look at that mural of black achievement.

Mm, they got a manila folder taped over Dr. Cosby's face.

What? Cleveland, you didn't tell us

you had plans with Jerome.

Some things are my business.

You don't tell me when you play with yourself.

Well, if you checked my Twitter feed,

I wouldn't have to.

(applause)

And if you elect me, I will be as good

a homecoming king as a touchdown.

(applause, cheering, whooping)

And our final nominee

for homecoming king is Chris Griffin.

(scattered clapping)

(microphone feedback squeals)

Thank you.

I'm Chris Griffin.

Webster's dictionary defines "smegma" as

"a sebaceous, cheese-like substance

around the head of the penis."

But what is a "king"?

Oh, God, this is already hard to watch.

Like that Bourne movie where they couldn't get Matt Damon.

We're facing a biochemical attack of untold proportions.

Unfortunately, Jason Bourne is not available.

Who have we got?

We have the sixth-billed guy from The Avengers.

The arrow guy who frowns a lot.

Uh, okay.

Does he look like Bourne?

Yeah, yeah.

He sort of looks like a young Popeye.

Well, sounds like he's the right guy for this.

Yeah... yeah.

All right, students. The votes have been tabulated,

so if you could all look up from your phones for a minute,

I'll tell you who won.

(rapid clicking)

Children. A man is talking.

All right, I better head down there.

I brought a bag of marshmallows

and a belt for Chris to bite on

during his meltdown.

And this year's James Woods High homecoming king is...

Chris Griffin.

(applause) Yay!

(laughing): Yay!

Holy crap!

I don't believe it. Chris won!

All right, now it's time for these four poor kids

to thank you for subsidizing their lunches.

ALL (apathetic): Thank you.

Mean it.

ALL (brightly): Thank you.

All right.

Time for my car nap.

Hey, hey, hey, there he is!

The new king!

I already called and quit my job.

Peter, he doesn't get money for being homecoming king.

Does he get land?

No, of course not.

Does he get this joke?

"Shagadelic, baby!"

Austin Powers!

Oh, very good. Very good, my liege.

Well, Chris, since you're royalty now,

I made your favorites.

Dinner for breakfast?

That's right.

Pork chops and French onion soup.

Oh, boy!

Well, as king, I shall eat this breakfast

on a tray in front of Wheel of Fortune.

I'll get the TV tray, Your Majesty.

How does nobody see what's going on with this Chris thing?

What are you talking about?

Well, it's obvious.

The only reason they elected him king

is because they're gonna prank him at homecoming.

Shut up, Hat. That's my brother.

They're not gonna mess with him. He's the man.

He's got real Griffin beef in those trousers.

Meg, how can you be so sure?

Because this kind of stuff happens all the time

to unpopular kids.

They're just trying to embarrass him

and make him look stupid.

You don't really think they're going to pull

a prank on Chris, do you?

I don't know, but if they are,

we got to get down to that school and talk 'em out of it.

Good idea.

And luckily, I'm great at connecting

with that generation.

Like when I went on that campout with One Direction.

So they checked into their hotel suite,

but the minibar had no sparkling water-- only still!

(all gasp)

Ah, stop. It's too scary.

Oh, but that's not all.

They looked in the wardrobe

and discovered that the stylist

had only brought non-skinny jeans!

(all gasp)

Do mean like a Levi's 513 skinny straight?

No. Just regular pants that fit normal!

(all gasp)

That's not real, right? Those aren't real?

Of course not, Louis. It's-it's just a story.

Well, I guess that means these aren't real!

(all screaming)

Yeah, they're gonna die in the woods.

Simon, are they tagged?

They're tagged, right?

Oh, they're tagged. Good.

Simon, did I ever tell you the one

about the loose-fitting T-shirt?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no...

All right, if we want Cleveland

to stop spending all his time with Jerome,

we got to remind him how much fun we are.

So let's just have fun.

How do we do that?

I don't know.

Little bit of this.

Okay. That seems like fun.

What about one of these?

Yeah, sure. There's no wrong moves.

What if I brush my shoulders off?

Original ideas are preferred, but sure.

Three fun guys, room for four.

I don't know if it's working, Peter.

I don't know if it's fun.

It's more than fun, it's "foon."

That's a fun way to say "fun."

Hey, how foon would it be if we waved sticks around?

I-I really don't know what we're doing.

It's foon, from the word before.

I don't see what's... (yells)

All right, first, let's take your blood pressure,

'cause that's-that's like our favorite thing

to do around here.

Okay, we all know how much Cleveland loves Tecmo Bowl,

so let's start playing.

I'm the Raiders. I'm Bo Jackson.

And hopefully, he'll show up.

That's no fair. Bo Jackson's too fast.

Guys, do we want Cleveland back or don't...

Uhp, here we go.

PETER (laughs): Bye-bye.

QUAGMIRE: See, Peter? He's too fast.

You got to tackle me. It's "B."

You got to press "B."

I'm pressing "B." He's too fast.

Going over here.

Going over here now.

Never get tired.

JOE: Change your guy, Quagmire.

Change your guy.

I'm trying. Peter's cheating.

You're cheating, Peter.

I'm not cheating. I'm following the rules.

I'm just really good.

You're not really good. You just got Bo Jackson.

Bo Jackson also played professional baseball.

Shut up, Joe. Everybody knows that.

Kansas City.

Royals.

Can't stop. Won't stop.

Bo... might... go... all... the...

Nope, going back the other way.

What? Are you going backwards? Just score.

Nah, I'm gonna run out the quarter.

I'm not playing now. My controller's down.

(quietly): Seems like your controller's been down the whole time.

Who's Veris? You got to switch off Veris.

Get it to Ronnie Lott.

Pretty much anyone but Veris.

Oh, no, I'm all the way back here now.

I'm in my own end zone. What am I doing?

Too bad I'm not Bo Jackson.

Oh, wait. I am!

Ridiculous.

Oh, yeah.

There you go, Quagmire.

You're about to tackle me.

But then...

Damn it!

Less than a minute.

Shut up, Joe!

He's gonna do it.

He might do this.

I don't know, a lot of football

still to be played here.

I'm hitting reset.

Don't you dare hit reset.

You hit reset, you're banned for life.

I hate this.

Joe, do you want to play?

Nah, I like being this guy.

A zig. A zag. A touchdown!

Yeah!

♪ I won the game ♪

♪ And now I'm gonna jump ♪

♪ Bo Jackson! ♪

All right, if we want to get Cleveland back,

we should just put out his favorite snack:

an open can of tuna.

Often he'll come running when he hears a can opening.

Peter, stop.

Yeah, I think it's time we addressed

the elephant in the room.

There's a simple reason

Cleveland is hanging out with Jerome and not us.

Jerome is black and we're not.

Yeah, I mean, you can't blame him.

It's just a thing they have in common.

Something they can bond over.

Well, I guess that makes sense.

I suppose people do want to be with their own kind.

Like the audience at a Decemberists concert.

Good evening, white guys who weigh less

than their girlfriends.

(cheering)

(indistinct chatter)

God, a lot of gym teacher

suicide memorials in this place.

All right, let's find the coolest kids here,

and see if they know anything about a prank on Chris.

Those chicks in the skirts look pretty cool.

Hey there. Brian Rockwell.

This is my friend, Stewie Goldberg.

What?

I don't know my way around the school,

so I figured I'd get the deets

from a couple of seniors.

Download me.

Brian-- it's not Goldberg, by the way--

we should ask about the prank.

I'm earning their trust.

Hey, uh, I'm new here,

but you know what'd be crazy?

If me, a guy,

went in the girls' room with you two.

(laughing): I mean, that would be, that would be so wild.

We should, we should totally just go in there.

Brian, stop.

That'd be hilarious.

I'm in.

Stewie, go wait in the car.

No, we are here to get information about Chris.

I said, go wait in the (bleep) car.

They had security guards in the bathroom.

We-we live in such a culture of fear now.

(knocking)

Hey, guys, what are you doing here?

And why are you dressed like that?

Well, we realized you like hanging out with Jerome

because he's black,

so we wanted you to know we can be black guys, too.

Yeah, in fact, we can even be famous movie black guys.

I'm Bagger Vance.

I also am Bagger Vance.

I'm Kazaam from Kazaam.

You really think I'm only hanging out

with Jerome 'cause he's black?

I hang out with Jerome because, unlike some people,

he actually takes an interest in my life.

And he would never stick me with the bill

by walking out on me at the Clam.

Well, we could have come over and graciously apologized,

but we took a chance.

That's what I like about us.

Sucks we didn't find out what kind of prank

they're gonna pull on Chris.

I know that book is The Hunger Games

with the cover taken off.

Oh, look, something on TV.

And finally, tonight, a moving story from James Woods High,

where the student body has made their homecoming a special event

for a very special boy.

And this year's James Woods High

homecoming king is... Chris Griffin.

Yay!

(laughing): Yay!

TOM: That's right. Chris Griffin,

a tubby spaz with a heart full of dreams,

gets to feel normal for a night,

thanks to the kindness of his peers.

BOTH: Oh.

I just see him walking around

with his hands down his pants all day,

and he's just so fat and weird,

so we feel bad.

Yeah, last year we did the burnt up kid, so this was a slam dunk.

Oh, my God, they just elected him out of pity,

because they think he's mentally challenged.

Kind of like we did with George W. Bush.

(chuckling): Huh? Right?

(sighs) I-I guess. I guess, Brian.

I-I don't-- I don't know.

Let's-let's just watch some commercials.

Well, that explains it.

The only reason Chris is homecoming king

is that all the other kids feel sorry for him.

Do you think he knows?

I can't imagine.

And we can't tell him.

It would destroy him.

(imitating trumpet fanfare)

Look away!

No one may meet the king's gaze.

So, uh, hey,

congratulations again on that, uh,

homecoming thing.

Why congratulate me on a right

and natural turn of events?

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I shall select three things

from Stewie's room that I wish to be mine.

There's a book in there on how to eat healthy.

Why don't you take that, you fat bitch?

Well, he obviously doesn't know it's just a pity vote.

In fact, this whole homecoming king thing

seems to have just gone straight to his head.

I know, he's acting like an arrogant jerk.

CHRIS (distant): Quiet, Rupert!

It is an honor to serve the king in this manner.

Brian, this can't go on.

Chris is out of control.

He's even more arrogant than an actor/writer/director.

Well, my script is brilliant, and I'm a great director.

The question is, how bad do I want this part?

(crying): Okay, I'll do it.

Well, now we know.

Neither of us likes crepes.

See, that's another thing we got in common.

In fact, you want to hear something crazy?

Peter and the fellas think that you and I only hang out together

because we're both black.

Uh-huh.

But I told them that's insulting.

Why is that insulting?

People like to be with their own.

I mean, you don't think I hang out with you because

of your endless stories about working your remote control

or your fat son or how you once made a dog shake its head "no"?

I manipulated the cheeseburger what like this.

You boring, man.

But you're black, so we cool.

That's racist. I'm offended.

Whatever.

I'll see you around, Cleveland.

Man, I guess this whole friendship was a bad idea.

Just like Goodyear's advertising strategy.

All right, we have $14 million to play with.

I say we spend it all on blimps,

'cause who do we want to reach?

Drivers.

And where are people looking when they're driving a car?

Straight up.

Squire, my chamber pot needs emptying.

What's he talking about?

He's been pooping in the waffle iron.

Just plug it in and close it.

It'll burn off.

Look, Chris, you know, being homecoming king

doesn't mean you can just start acting crazy.

I can do whatever I want.

I've been acknowledged by my peers as their superior.

You're just jealous 'cause you've never done anything

that deserves being elected king.

Okay, you want to know the truth?

They only picked you because they felt sorry for you.

Sorry?

Why would they feel sorry for me?

Well, because they all think you're a, um, you know,

"groundskeeper at a public institution" kind of guy.

A what?

A dope. An idiot. A water head.

You guys don't know what you're talking about.

Tonight, when they put that crown on my head,

it's gonna be the greatest night of my life.

Even better than when I had my first kiss.

(phone buzzes)

♪ ♪

I say, we were a little hard on Chris,

but I'm glad we came.

He's still my brother.

Hey, look, there's the security guard

that threw me out of the bathroom earlier.

And he's here with his wife.

(chuckles) This is like a date for them.

Good evening, fingerers and fingerees.

Sorry, I had a little rum in the car.

Anyway, please welcome your homecoming king, Chris Griffin.

(applause, cheering)

Good evening, subjects.

The boys' showers shall run red with the blood of my enemies.

We believe in you!

Good for you, Chris!

No one clap too loud.

We don't want to frighten him.

Wait a minute.

And now your queen,

prom night car crash victim

Kathleen Fitzpatrick.

ALL: Aw.

We miss you, Kathleen!

You're heaven's queen now!

BRIAN: Wow, she was hot.

The queen is a dead girl?

What does that make me?

(gasps) Brian and Stewie were right.

This was a pity vote.

We love you, Chris!

You love me?

You don't even know anything about me.

You just voted for me to make yourselves feel better.

She was on PCP that night, you idiots!

Chris, I-I'm so sorry.

That's okay.

You guys tried to warn me.

I'm sorry I was such a jerk.

Ah, don't worry about it.

Are you okay?

You know what? I am.

I may not be king,

but I learned I don't need anyone's pity.

That's the spirit, Chris.

And, hey, you're not the homecoming king,

but you'll always be my brother.

Thanks, Stewie.

It means a lot to me to know

I've always got my family looking out for me.

Oh, hey, Chris.

This is Tyler.

Don't make this weird now.

(laughs) Oh, what a gentleman.

Well, Cleveland, it's good to have you back, buddy.

It's good to be back.

Hanging with Jerome was fun,

but my best friends are right here in this room.

Hey, to celebrate, how about we play a little

old-school Double Dribble?

Okay, but no stupid-ass shots from the corner,

because that's a glitch in the software and...

Game on!

(lively electronic music plays)

PETER: All right, bring it up the court, and corner three!

CLEVELAND: No, no. That's what I'm talking about!

Steal.

Uhp, corner three.

All right, here we go.

I got something cooking.

Uhp, you dropped something.

Think I'll head over in this direction.

Corner three!

JOE: It's a rout. It's a blowout.

It's some bullcrap.

Couple nice passes there... hey!

PETER: See? Competitive ball game.

What should I do?

Pass and then go up?

And corner three!

All right, enough of this mess.

QUAGMIRE: Shoot it! Shoot it from there.

JOE: The refs are lettin' 'em play.

I do appreciate that.

CLEVELAND: Yeah, that's what I'm talkin' about.

Now I'm playing for reals.

PETER: Yeah, you're doing pretty good.

What play should I call now?

Maybe... corner three!

JOE: He's hot. He is hot.

Keep feeding that guy.

PETER: Hi, nice to meet you. Can I have that?

Hang out over here for a second.

Corner three!

JOE: You got to get out there, Cleveland.

I'm trying.

He's taking advantage of poor technology.

PETER: Uhp, lot of dribbling. Swipe.

Here we... aw, I hit the wrong button.

I think you all know I was going for a corner three.