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00:00:01,560 --> 00:00:03,927
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:03,929 --> 00:00:07,264
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:07,266 --> 00:00:10,968
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:10,970 --> 00:00:14,237
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:14,239 --> 00:00:17,074
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:17,076 --> 00:00:20,677
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
7
00:00:20,679 --> 00:00:22,245
♪ All the things that make us ♪
8
00:00:22,247 --> 00:00:24,081
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
9
00:00:24,083 --> 00:00:29,252
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
10
00:00:34,126 --> 00:00:35,659
Peter, we got to talk.
11
00:00:35,661 --> 00:00:36,927
Ugh.
12
00:00:36,929 --> 00:00:38,996
I'm concerned about
Stewie's preschool.
13
00:00:38,998 --> 00:00:41,164
Look what they're serving
at snack time.
14
00:00:41,166 --> 00:00:42,466
Is-is that...?
15
00:00:42,468 --> 00:00:43,934
It's dog milk.
16
00:00:43,936 --> 00:00:45,936
They're serving dog milk
to our children.
17
00:00:45,938 --> 00:00:47,838
Aw, sweet, dilk.
18
00:00:47,840 --> 00:00:49,973
I don't want Stewie
in that school anymore.
19
00:00:49,975 --> 00:00:51,975
It seems like
it's really gone downhill.
20
00:00:51,977 --> 00:00:53,543
She's not wrong to worry.
21
00:00:53,545 --> 00:00:55,112
There's a sign
in the bathroom that says,
22
00:00:55,114 --> 00:00:57,147
"If it's brown, let it mellow."
23
00:00:57,149 --> 00:00:59,116
Sometimes it crests
the toilet lid.
24
00:00:59,118 --> 00:01:01,351
Peter, I think we should
send Stewie to Corridors.
25
00:01:01,353 --> 00:01:02,819
I know it's
a little pricey,
26
00:01:02,821 --> 00:01:04,454
but it's the best
preschool in the area.
27
00:01:04,456 --> 00:01:06,623
Really? Is that the one
where they make 'em dress
28
00:01:06,625 --> 00:01:09,159
in the little shorts and hats
like the guy in AC/DC?
29
00:01:09,161 --> 00:01:10,660
Yeah, why does he
wear that outfit?
30
00:01:10,662 --> 00:01:12,162
'Cause he rocks.
31
00:01:12,164 --> 00:01:14,231
♪ ♪
32
00:01:14,233 --> 00:01:15,732
When I picked this,
33
00:01:15,734 --> 00:01:19,336
I didn't know I'd have
to wear it when I'm 60!
34
00:01:19,338 --> 00:01:21,571
I'm very cold!
35
00:01:26,211 --> 00:01:28,412
You know what seems
like a lie to me?
36
00:01:28,414 --> 00:01:31,014
A Forever stamp that says
"Love" on it.
37
00:01:31,016 --> 00:01:32,983
Oh, you want to
go ahead of me?
38
00:01:32,985 --> 00:01:34,384
Hey, how are you?
39
00:01:34,386 --> 00:01:36,720
You know what seems
like a lie to me?
40
00:01:36,722 --> 00:01:39,156
I can help the fourth
person in line.
41
00:01:39,158 --> 00:01:41,525
One, two, three... yes!
42
00:01:41,527 --> 00:01:43,860
Cleveland,
you work here?
43
00:01:43,862 --> 00:01:46,196
Yup, finally landed
myself a job.
44
00:01:46,198 --> 00:01:48,832
Hey, what can
Brown do for you?
45
00:01:48,834 --> 00:01:49,866
(laughs)
46
00:01:49,868 --> 00:01:51,201
That's our competitor,
though.
47
00:01:51,203 --> 00:01:52,702
I'm not supposed
to say that.
48
00:01:52,704 --> 00:01:55,539
It's grounds for dismissal
if anyone ever got fired here,
49
00:01:55,541 --> 00:01:56,540
but they don't.
50
00:01:56,542 --> 00:01:58,041
Well, good for you.
51
00:01:58,043 --> 00:01:59,776
Oh, could I get a
return receipt for this?
52
00:01:59,778 --> 00:02:02,612
It's Stewie's registration
form for his new school.
53
00:02:02,614 --> 00:02:04,414
Lil' Papa Stew-Stew's
off to college?
54
00:02:04,416 --> 00:02:05,715
No, just preschool.
55
00:02:05,717 --> 00:02:06,850
He's very young.
56
00:02:06,852 --> 00:02:09,219
Can you just charge me
my weirdly uneven price
57
00:02:09,221 --> 00:02:10,454
so I can be done?
58
00:02:10,456 --> 00:02:13,023
All right, that's $2.16.
59
00:02:13,025 --> 00:02:16,726
$4.37 if you want to
send it the priority.
60
00:02:16,728 --> 00:02:18,895
Oh, no, we got to start
saving our pennies
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00:02:18,897 --> 00:02:21,031
now that we're sending
Stewie to a new school.
62
00:02:21,033 --> 00:02:22,899
I'm actually doing some
job hunting after this.
63
00:02:22,901 --> 00:02:24,401
SEAMUS:
Let's go up there!
64
00:02:24,403 --> 00:02:26,536
You know, Lois,
the post office is hiring.
65
00:02:26,538 --> 00:02:27,537
Really?
66
00:02:27,539 --> 00:02:29,239
Oh, wow, that'd be great.
67
00:02:29,241 --> 00:02:31,475
Yeah, I'd be happy to
get you an interview,
68
00:02:31,477 --> 00:02:33,977
and as a white woman,
you'd be a minority here,
69
00:02:33,979 --> 00:02:36,279
unless you're an alcoholic.
70
00:02:46,758 --> 00:02:49,292
Wow, this place
is really fancy.
71
00:02:49,294 --> 00:02:51,661
Their Flat Stanley is
actually award-winning actor
72
00:02:51,663 --> 00:02:53,230
Stanley Tucci.
73
00:02:53,232 --> 00:02:57,067
Sometimes I wear glasses
and sometimes I don't.
74
00:02:57,069 --> 00:02:58,635
Hi, I'm Chadley.
75
00:02:58,637 --> 00:02:59,970
I've been kidnapped
three times
76
00:02:59,972 --> 00:03:01,271
because I come
from money.
77
00:03:01,273 --> 00:03:03,073
Oh, yes, I've heard
about your family.
78
00:03:03,075 --> 00:03:05,175
You've had two older
brothers die of drugs?
79
00:03:05,177 --> 00:03:06,176
That's right.
80
00:03:06,178 --> 00:03:07,410
Stewie, what would you say
81
00:03:07,412 --> 00:03:09,112
to a playdate at
my house tomorrow?
82
00:03:09,114 --> 00:03:11,248
That sounds delightful.
83
00:03:11,250 --> 00:03:14,451
My word, it feels so good
to finally be where I belong.
84
00:03:14,453 --> 00:03:17,587
Like Judd Hirsch at
the gigantic sweater store.
85
00:03:17,589 --> 00:03:20,423
Hi, uh, all five of us
are Judd Hirsch.
86
00:03:20,425 --> 00:03:22,826
Do you have a sweater big
enough to fit all of us?
87
00:03:24,196 --> 00:03:26,163
Okay, everybody climb in.
88
00:03:27,266 --> 00:03:30,367
Ah, I can't wait
to spill soup on this.
89
00:03:30,369 --> 00:03:33,270
Okay, Judds, shamble away.
90
00:03:38,143 --> 00:03:39,709
Good having
you aboard, Lois.
91
00:03:39,711 --> 00:03:41,478
Let me show you around.
92
00:03:41,480 --> 00:03:42,646
That guy right there?
93
00:03:42,648 --> 00:03:43,647
Larry.
94
00:03:43,649 --> 00:03:44,648
Okay, got it.
95
00:03:44,650 --> 00:03:46,183
A-And what's this giant,
96
00:03:46,185 --> 00:03:48,685
(echoing): empty,
football-stadium-sized room?
97
00:03:48,687 --> 00:03:50,654
Oh, the post office
anticipates
98
00:03:50,656 --> 00:03:52,322
that within the
next five years
99
00:03:52,324 --> 00:03:55,158
at least 200 million men
in this country will be
100
00:03:55,160 --> 00:03:57,494
ordering and
receiving RealDolls.
101
00:03:57,496 --> 00:04:00,330
Every man will have seven
to nine RealDolls.
102
00:04:00,332 --> 00:04:02,465
Asians, blonde
Southern girls,
103
00:04:02,467 --> 00:04:04,634
blonde Asians
capable of performing
104
00:04:04,636 --> 00:04:06,570
every possible sexual act,
105
00:04:06,572 --> 00:04:08,672
or at least incapable
of refusing.
106
00:04:08,674 --> 00:04:10,073
You can put one
in your car
107
00:04:10,075 --> 00:04:12,576
and drive in the car pool
lane with it and then
108
00:04:12,578 --> 00:04:15,312
maybe you push her head down,
thus defeating the purpose
109
00:04:15,314 --> 00:04:17,681
of the car pool lane
while fulfilling the purpose
110
00:04:17,683 --> 00:04:18,915
of the RealDoll.
111
00:04:18,917 --> 00:04:20,350
Maybe a trucker goes by.
112
00:04:20,352 --> 00:04:23,019
You say, "Hey, Janine,
give him a show."
113
00:04:23,021 --> 00:04:25,755
Maybe later you ask yourself
some tough questions, like,
114
00:04:25,757 --> 00:04:27,490
"Why is it so
important to you
115
00:04:27,492 --> 00:04:29,226
to impress and
excite truckers?"
116
00:04:29,228 --> 00:04:31,027
Anyhoo, grab that
letter opener.
117
00:04:31,029 --> 00:04:33,997
I'm gonna show you why you
should never mail cash.
118
00:04:37,502 --> 00:04:39,369
Another good postal tip is,
119
00:04:39,371 --> 00:04:41,338
if you wait to deliver
your mail at night,
120
00:04:41,340 --> 00:04:44,040
you can smell a lot
of really nice dinners.
121
00:04:44,042 --> 00:04:46,776
Oh, no, it's that
Amazon drone.
122
00:04:46,778 --> 00:04:48,044
Try to ignore it.
123
00:04:48,046 --> 00:04:49,679
Hey, Cleveland,
what are you doing?
124
00:04:49,681 --> 00:04:50,714
Taking a walk?
125
00:04:50,716 --> 00:04:52,382
No, I'm delivering mail.
126
00:04:52,384 --> 00:04:53,383
By foot?
127
00:04:53,385 --> 00:04:55,051
Yeah, that won't take too long.
128
00:04:55,053 --> 00:04:56,186
Well, got to go.
129
00:04:56,188 --> 00:05:00,056
Got to deliver these fat pants
to your fat son.
130
00:05:00,058 --> 00:05:02,292
He was harsh but
not untruthful.
131
00:05:02,294 --> 00:05:04,394
We got to special-order
Cleveland Jr.'s pants
132
00:05:04,396 --> 00:05:07,764
from a company that
manufactures grill covers.
133
00:05:12,738 --> 00:05:14,137
Thanks for coming
over, Stewie.
134
00:05:14,139 --> 00:05:15,305
Oh, thanks
for having me.
135
00:05:15,307 --> 00:05:16,740
Quite a place
you've got here.
136
00:05:16,742 --> 00:05:18,074
Your mother seemed nice.
137
00:05:18,076 --> 00:05:20,910
Yeah, I've only met her
a couple of times, but yeah.
138
00:05:20,912 --> 00:05:22,145
This is my bedroom.
139
00:05:26,418 --> 00:05:28,985
Is that car bed
a Bentley?
140
00:05:28,987 --> 00:05:30,420
And is that guy
the driver?
141
00:05:30,422 --> 00:05:33,256
Ready for this evening's
trip to Snoozetown, sir?
142
00:05:33,258 --> 00:05:34,257
Not yet.
143
00:05:34,259 --> 00:05:35,258
Sad story.
144
00:05:35,260 --> 00:05:36,660
He used to drive the bed
145
00:05:36,662 --> 00:05:37,994
for Michael
Jackson's monkey.
146
00:05:37,996 --> 00:05:40,096
CHAUFFEUR:
I've seen some
terrible things.
147
00:05:40,098 --> 00:05:41,598
This is extraordinary.
148
00:05:41,600 --> 00:05:42,966
Oh, it's fine,
I suppose,
149
00:05:42,968 --> 00:05:44,267
but you probably have
150
00:05:44,269 --> 00:05:46,002
even nicer things
at your mansion.
151
00:05:46,004 --> 00:05:47,671
I'd love to come
see it sometime.
152
00:05:47,673 --> 00:05:49,939
Oh, um, y-yes,
yes, my mansion.
153
00:05:49,941 --> 00:05:52,108
Y-Yes, you-you should
come see my mansion,
154
00:05:52,110 --> 00:05:53,276
b-by all means.
155
00:05:53,278 --> 00:05:54,511
I mean, not-not
right this minute.
156
00:05:54,513 --> 00:05:56,846
I-I have the U.S.
men's wrestling team there--
157
00:05:56,848 --> 00:05:57,981
I'm gonna kill a wrestler--
158
00:05:57,983 --> 00:05:59,249
but then after that,
you should.
159
00:05:59,251 --> 00:06:00,583
I can't wait.
160
00:06:00,585 --> 00:06:02,619
Come on, let's go see if
the maid brought her son,
161
00:06:02,621 --> 00:06:05,288
so we can push him and
he can't do anything.
162
00:06:05,290 --> 00:06:07,824
God, I like it here,
but what am I doing?
163
00:06:07,826 --> 00:06:09,326
I don't have a fancy house.
164
00:06:09,328 --> 00:06:12,095
I'm living a lie, like FDR.
165
00:06:12,097 --> 00:06:16,833
And so I say to you, America,
we are going to win this war,
166
00:06:16,835 --> 00:06:18,868
we're going to end
this depression,
167
00:06:18,870 --> 00:06:22,305
and there's no reason
to suspect that I cannot walk.
168
00:06:22,307 --> 00:06:24,307
God bless America!
169
00:06:24,309 --> 00:06:28,311
("Hail to the Chief" plays)
170
00:06:28,313 --> 00:06:29,346
And cut.
171
00:06:29,348 --> 00:06:30,380
The newsreel's over.
172
00:06:30,382 --> 00:06:32,182
Thank you, Mr. President.
173
00:06:32,184 --> 00:06:33,683
You're welcome, gentlemen.
174
00:06:33,685 --> 00:06:37,253
Now, if you'd kindly kick me
into the closet with the mops.
175
00:06:40,659 --> 00:06:43,193
Ah, must be a Yale man.
176
00:06:43,195 --> 00:06:44,561
Shut up.
177
00:06:48,166 --> 00:06:50,200
Hello, loyal mailwoman.
178
00:06:50,202 --> 00:06:51,968
This is a letter
to Hollywood,
179
00:06:51,970 --> 00:06:54,804
saying, "Keep it up!
Movies are great!"
180
00:06:55,807 --> 00:06:57,807
Cleveland, what should
I do with this?
181
00:06:57,809 --> 00:06:59,743
I-It just says
"Hollywood, U.S.A.,"
182
00:06:59,745 --> 00:07:01,144
and this isn't a stamp,
183
00:07:01,146 --> 00:07:02,812
it's the little
sticker from an apple.
184
00:07:02,814 --> 00:07:04,481
Oh, I can't never
get those off.
185
00:07:04,483 --> 00:07:05,515
I just eat them.
186
00:07:05,517 --> 00:07:07,150
Anyway, just put
it in here.
187
00:07:07,152 --> 00:07:08,184
But what's that?
188
00:07:08,186 --> 00:07:09,519
It's the dead letter bin.
189
00:07:09,521 --> 00:07:12,322
It's all the stale mail
what never got delivered
190
00:07:12,324 --> 00:07:15,525
for one reason or the other:
incomplete addresses,
191
00:07:15,527 --> 00:07:18,661
house at the top of a hill,
anyone who uses one of those
192
00:07:18,663 --> 00:07:20,864
French sevens with
a slash in it.
193
00:07:20,866 --> 00:07:22,198
Well, this is horrible.
194
00:07:22,200 --> 00:07:23,533
I'm going to organize these.
195
00:07:23,535 --> 00:07:25,034
There might be some
we could resend.
196
00:07:25,036 --> 00:07:26,770
That's above
and beyond, Lois.
197
00:07:26,772 --> 00:07:29,005
You know, you do
the uniform proud,
198
00:07:29,007 --> 00:07:30,407
like I like to think I--
199
00:07:30,409 --> 00:07:32,709
oh, chili dog got me.
200
00:07:32,711 --> 00:07:33,710
Look at all these.
201
00:07:33,712 --> 00:07:34,778
This is a mess.
202
00:07:34,780 --> 00:07:37,380
Here's two that
are stuck together.
203
00:07:37,382 --> 00:07:38,782
What the hell?
204
00:07:38,784 --> 00:07:40,016
This is from Peter.
205
00:07:43,221 --> 00:07:45,588
Who the hell is Gretchen Mercer?
206
00:07:45,590 --> 00:07:49,092
And this is postmarked
a week before our wedding!
207
00:07:54,065 --> 00:07:56,733
Aw, there was a time
when the president
208
00:07:56,735 --> 00:08:00,103
of the Jonathan Taylor Thomas
Fan Club got a lot of mail.
209
00:08:08,046 --> 00:08:09,779
I don't know
what to do, Bonnie.
210
00:08:09,781 --> 00:08:11,281
Why would Peter
write a letter
211
00:08:11,283 --> 00:08:13,917
to another woman
just before our wedding?
212
00:08:13,919 --> 00:08:15,752
Why don't you just
open it and read it?
213
00:08:15,754 --> 00:08:16,786
What?!
214
00:08:16,788 --> 00:08:18,154
Th-That's a
federal offense.
215
00:08:18,156 --> 00:08:19,489
I can't do that.
216
00:08:19,491 --> 00:08:21,257
Don't you realize,
as a postal employee,
217
00:08:21,259 --> 00:08:24,060
I'm 6,004th in line
for the presidency?
218
00:08:24,062 --> 00:08:25,895
Well, then why don't you
just deliver the letter
219
00:08:25,897 --> 00:08:28,798
and see for yourself
who this Gretchen Mercer is?
220
00:08:28,800 --> 00:08:30,767
Bonnie,
that's a great idea.
221
00:08:30,769 --> 00:08:32,769
Although it could be
a little awkward.
222
00:08:32,771 --> 00:08:35,104
You could always just
ask Peter about it.
223
00:08:35,106 --> 00:08:37,273
No, he won't talk
about anything serious
224
00:08:37,275 --> 00:08:38,775
unless there's
a crackling fire
225
00:08:38,777 --> 00:08:41,778
to punctuate uncomfortable
family revelations.
226
00:08:41,780 --> 00:08:44,247
(fire crackling)
227
00:08:44,249 --> 00:08:45,849
I didn't fall
off the roof.
228
00:08:45,851 --> 00:08:47,417
I jumped.
229
00:08:47,419 --> 00:08:48,852
(fire crackling)
230
00:08:48,854 --> 00:08:50,620
I never found
you attractive,
231
00:08:50,622 --> 00:08:52,956
and what's more,
I never respected you.
232
00:08:52,958 --> 00:08:54,457
(fire crackling)
233
00:08:54,459 --> 00:08:56,459
I know about Maurice.
234
00:08:56,461 --> 00:08:58,962
(fire crackling)
235
00:08:58,964 --> 00:09:01,364
Which Maurice?
236
00:09:05,170 --> 00:09:07,203
Oh, Brian,
I need your help!
237
00:09:07,205 --> 00:09:09,038
Chadley wants to
have a playdate,
238
00:09:09,040 --> 00:09:10,139
here at my house!
239
00:09:10,141 --> 00:09:11,875
Well, that's great.
No, it's not!
240
00:09:11,877 --> 00:09:13,309
I can't let him
see this dump.
241
00:09:13,311 --> 00:09:16,212
Come on, Stewie, Chadley should
like you for who are.
242
00:09:16,214 --> 00:09:17,814
Besides, this place
isn't so bad.
243
00:09:17,816 --> 00:09:21,017
Brian, Chadley's parents
each have their own bathroom.
244
00:09:21,019 --> 00:09:23,620
I've seen the fat man
pee through Lois' legs
245
00:09:23,622 --> 00:09:25,154
while she's sitting
on the toilet.
246
00:09:25,156 --> 00:09:27,290
What I've got to do
is find a spectacular house
247
00:09:27,292 --> 00:09:29,792
that I can pretend is mine
to impress Chadley.
248
00:09:29,794 --> 00:09:31,561
Oh, why don't you just
use Babs and Carter's?
249
00:09:31,563 --> 00:09:32,729
I can't, they're having
250
00:09:32,731 --> 00:09:34,831
an Eyes Wide Shut
party all weekend.
251
00:09:34,833 --> 00:09:37,333
I can't find my wiener
with this mask.
252
00:09:37,335 --> 00:09:38,334
All right, time-out.
253
00:09:38,336 --> 00:09:39,802
Let's-let's all just find
254
00:09:39,804 --> 00:09:42,238
our wieners and then
put the masks back on.
255
00:09:47,512 --> 00:09:50,647
Okay, 940,
this is the house.
256
00:09:50,649 --> 00:09:52,749
(doorbell rings)
257
00:09:52,751 --> 00:09:54,884
Hi, are you
Gretchen Mercer?
258
00:09:54,886 --> 00:09:56,319
Yes, may I help you?
259
00:09:56,321 --> 00:10:00,990
Oh, yeah, we found an old
letter addressed to you.
260
00:10:00,992 --> 00:10:02,525
Peter Griffin?
261
00:10:02,527 --> 00:10:04,694
Wow, this is from
an old boyfriend.
262
00:10:04,696 --> 00:10:05,762
What?
263
00:10:05,764 --> 00:10:07,063
(laughs nervously)
264
00:10:07,065 --> 00:10:09,098
Wow, well, um,
here-here's the nutty thing:
265
00:10:09,100 --> 00:10:10,333
believe it or not,
266
00:10:10,335 --> 00:10:13,202
I'm actually married
to Peter Griffin right now.
267
00:10:13,204 --> 00:10:15,738
Huh, that is quite
a coincidence.
268
00:10:15,740 --> 00:10:17,907
I wonder why he
was writing me.
269
00:10:19,878 --> 00:10:21,210
I see you move
your finger along
270
00:10:21,212 --> 00:10:22,211
as you read.
271
00:10:22,213 --> 00:10:23,880
That's what
little kids do.
272
00:10:23,882 --> 00:10:25,081
Oh, it was nothing.
273
00:10:25,083 --> 00:10:27,250
He was just writing
to say that he was excited
274
00:10:27,252 --> 00:10:29,519
about getting married
and that he finally had enough
275
00:10:29,521 --> 00:10:32,555
Camel Cash to get a leather
jacket and a pool floatie.
276
00:10:32,557 --> 00:10:34,357
Huh, well,
thank you, Gretchen.
277
00:10:34,359 --> 00:10:35,792
I am very relieved.
278
00:10:35,794 --> 00:10:37,093
I was thinking the worst.
279
00:10:37,095 --> 00:10:38,394
Oh, I understand,
280
00:10:38,396 --> 00:10:40,563
but you have nothing
to worry about.
281
00:10:40,565 --> 00:10:41,564
You're right.
282
00:10:41,566 --> 00:10:43,700
I guess jealousy's
my weak spot.
283
00:10:43,702 --> 00:10:45,201
(chuckling):
Everyone has one.
284
00:10:45,203 --> 00:10:46,603
Even Achilles.
285
00:10:46,605 --> 00:10:49,205
So, you can only be injured
on your Achilles' tendon?
286
00:10:49,207 --> 00:10:50,239
That's right.
287
00:10:50,241 --> 00:10:51,808
My mother dipped me
into the River Styx
288
00:10:51,810 --> 00:10:53,309
and she held me by my heel,
289
00:10:53,311 --> 00:10:55,378
so that's the only part
that can be injured.
290
00:10:55,380 --> 00:10:56,779
How about you, Testiclies?
291
00:10:56,781 --> 00:10:59,582
It's the same--
it's-it's-it's similar.
292
00:10:59,584 --> 00:11:03,653
(piano music playing)
293
00:11:07,425 --> 00:11:09,425
So, what do you think
of the house, Brian?
294
00:11:09,427 --> 00:11:11,561
As far as Chadley knows,
this is where I live.
295
00:11:11,563 --> 00:11:12,962
Stewie, who owns
this place?
296
00:11:12,964 --> 00:11:14,931
Oh, just some rich idiot
I saw bragging
297
00:11:14,933 --> 00:11:16,799
about his vacation
on Instagram.
298
00:11:16,801 --> 00:11:19,235
He posted a picture
of his feet in sand.
299
00:11:19,237 --> 00:11:20,837
You're a guy,
don't do that.
300
00:11:20,839 --> 00:11:21,971
What a dick.
301
00:11:21,973 --> 00:11:23,740
Hey, I'll swallow
his dental floss.
302
00:11:23,742 --> 00:11:24,741
You pull it out of me
303
00:11:24,743 --> 00:11:25,742
and put it back
on the roll.
304
00:11:25,744 --> 00:11:26,743
Good call.
305
00:11:26,745 --> 00:11:27,744
(doorbell rings)
306
00:11:27,746 --> 00:11:29,012
Ah, that must be Chadley.
307
00:11:30,315 --> 00:11:31,314
Hi, Stewie.
308
00:11:31,316 --> 00:11:32,482
I love your house.
309
00:11:32,484 --> 00:11:33,616
Where are your servants?
310
00:11:33,618 --> 00:11:35,151
Oh, probably
cooking bananas
311
00:11:35,153 --> 00:11:36,586
and doing the
cha-cha-cha.
312
00:11:36,588 --> 00:11:38,955
You know, this is a
great house for a party.
313
00:11:38,957 --> 00:11:40,623
You could invite
the whole class.
314
00:11:40,625 --> 00:11:42,625
I-I say,
that's a brilliant idea!
315
00:11:42,627 --> 00:11:43,926
What the hell
are you doing?
316
00:11:43,928 --> 00:11:46,029
Relax, these people
are gone for a few more days.
317
00:11:46,031 --> 00:11:47,130
I'll invite everyone over
318
00:11:47,132 --> 00:11:49,365
and impress the whole
class in one shot.
319
00:11:49,367 --> 00:11:51,501
That'll cover my
playdates for a year.
320
00:11:51,503 --> 00:11:52,669
You really think
that'll work?
321
00:11:52,671 --> 00:11:53,770
Absolutely.
322
00:11:53,772 --> 00:11:55,838
And when it does,
I'll be as popular
323
00:11:55,840 --> 00:11:57,006
as the first kid in school
324
00:11:57,008 --> 00:11:58,508
to get his driver's license.
325
00:11:58,510 --> 00:12:01,044
Hey, heard you
got your license.
326
00:12:01,046 --> 00:12:02,178
(seductively):
Maybe after school,
327
00:12:02,180 --> 00:12:04,313
you could take me
to get some groceries?
328
00:12:04,315 --> 00:12:07,016
(seductively):
Yeah, or maybe you and me
hop in that car of yours
329
00:12:07,018 --> 00:12:08,985
and do some
grocery shopping?
330
00:12:08,987 --> 00:12:11,521
(seductively):
Looks like you have
a roomy backseat.
331
00:12:11,523 --> 00:12:14,824
I'd love to fill that
with groceries after school.
332
00:12:14,826 --> 00:12:16,325
Hey, it's Stewie.
333
00:12:16,327 --> 00:12:19,529
All I know about cars
is what my mom does.
334
00:12:22,500 --> 00:12:24,367
(knocking at door)
335
00:12:26,071 --> 00:12:27,503
Gretchen?!
336
00:12:27,505 --> 00:12:28,838
Wow, you look great!
337
00:12:28,840 --> 00:12:30,373
Yeah, I didn't have kids.
338
00:12:30,375 --> 00:12:31,741
Oh, yeah, of course,
339
00:12:31,743 --> 00:12:33,176
but what the hell
are you doing here?!
340
00:12:33,178 --> 00:12:34,844
I haven't seen
you in 20 years!
341
00:12:34,846 --> 00:12:37,046
Peter, I finally got
your letter.
342
00:12:37,048 --> 00:12:39,582
You know, the one where you said
that you were having doubts
343
00:12:39,584 --> 00:12:41,884
about marrying Lois
and you still had thoughts
344
00:12:41,886 --> 00:12:43,052
about marrying me.
345
00:12:43,054 --> 00:12:46,189
Gretchen, I wrote
that a long time ago.
346
00:12:46,191 --> 00:12:47,990
Well, my answer
is yes, Peter.
347
00:12:47,992 --> 00:12:50,359
Yes, I will marry you!
348
00:12:50,361 --> 00:12:52,195
Gretchen,
I am already happily--
349
00:12:52,197 --> 00:12:53,930
moderately hap--
relative-- I am--
350
00:12:53,932 --> 00:12:55,198
I am married.
351
00:12:55,200 --> 00:12:57,867
Oh, then I suppose your wife
is entitled to know
352
00:12:57,869 --> 00:12:59,502
that you were still
in love with me
353
00:12:59,504 --> 00:13:01,204
just days before your wedding.
354
00:13:01,206 --> 00:13:02,205
(Peter gasps)
355
00:13:02,207 --> 00:13:03,339
Blackmail!
356
00:13:03,341 --> 00:13:04,407
Thank you, Cleveland.
357
00:13:04,409 --> 00:13:06,075
And I don't know
what to call the thing
358
00:13:06,077 --> 00:13:07,276
you're doing to me, lady.
359
00:13:13,918 --> 00:13:16,052
Look, Gretchen,
I-I know I wrote you
360
00:13:16,054 --> 00:13:18,688
that letter, and-and-and
I meant it at the time, but...
361
00:13:18,690 --> 00:13:20,623
that was 20 years ago!
362
00:13:20,625 --> 00:13:22,925
I may have had some
doubts before my wedding,
363
00:13:22,927 --> 00:13:24,460
but what guy doesn't?
364
00:13:24,462 --> 00:13:25,628
And now I know
365
00:13:25,630 --> 00:13:27,864
I made the right choice
marrying Lois.
366
00:13:27,866 --> 00:13:30,233
(sighs)
Well, she's a lucky woman,
367
00:13:30,235 --> 00:13:31,868
and I'm sorry for what I said.
368
00:13:31,870 --> 00:13:34,470
I certainly don't want
to cause any trouble for you.
369
00:13:34,472 --> 00:13:36,439
It's just that when I got
this letter, it reminded me
370
00:13:36,441 --> 00:13:38,407
how sweet and funny
you always were.
371
00:13:38,409 --> 00:13:40,710
That's nice,
but I-I should go.
372
00:13:40,712 --> 00:13:42,411
Thanks for not making
fun of me for ordering
373
00:13:42,413 --> 00:13:43,446
a hot chocolate,
374
00:13:43,448 --> 00:13:45,114
and go ahead
and look into Facebook
375
00:13:45,116 --> 00:13:47,283
'cause this is kind of
what it's for.
376
00:13:47,285 --> 00:13:49,919
Wait, before we say
our final good-bye,
377
00:13:49,921 --> 00:13:52,388
what do you say we
have one last hurrah?
378
00:13:52,390 --> 00:13:53,589
I've got two tickets
379
00:13:53,591 --> 00:13:55,725
to a Ray LaMontagne
concert tonight.
380
00:13:55,727 --> 00:13:58,394
Oh, I-I'm not sure
that's a good idea.
381
00:13:58,396 --> 00:14:00,763
It feels a little weird
going out with another lady.
382
00:14:00,765 --> 00:14:03,900
Oh, come on, Peter,
I drove all this way.
383
00:14:03,902 --> 00:14:06,102
Let me go home
with one last good memory,
384
00:14:06,104 --> 00:14:08,171
and then I promise,
you have heard
385
00:14:08,173 --> 00:14:09,639
the last of Gretchen Mercer.
386
00:14:09,641 --> 00:14:11,741
Well, I should
probably say no,
387
00:14:11,743 --> 00:14:13,943
but I've never been
known for my good judgment.
388
00:14:13,945 --> 00:14:15,511
I mean, that's how
I got into trouble
389
00:14:15,513 --> 00:14:16,746
with the Peter Catcher.
390
00:14:16,748 --> 00:14:19,949
(bells ring)
391
00:14:19,951 --> 00:14:21,951
(singsongy):
Oh, Peter!
392
00:14:21,953 --> 00:14:23,986
Come and get your lollipops!
393
00:14:23,988 --> 00:14:25,121
Lollipops!
394
00:14:25,123 --> 00:14:27,156
Come along, Peter!
395
00:14:27,158 --> 00:14:28,791
(whispering):
Peter, you mustn't.
396
00:14:28,793 --> 00:14:31,127
I've got cream pies.
397
00:14:31,129 --> 00:14:32,795
Trinkle tarts.
398
00:14:32,797 --> 00:14:33,996
Trinkle tarts!
399
00:14:33,998 --> 00:14:37,266
(laughing)
400
00:14:37,268 --> 00:14:39,969
(laughs evilly)
401
00:14:39,971 --> 00:14:42,605
I'm gonna get so molested.
402
00:14:49,314 --> 00:14:52,114
Oh, Peter, you can take
off your hat and jacket.
403
00:14:52,116 --> 00:14:55,051
It's not illegal for two old
friends to go to a concert.
404
00:14:55,053 --> 00:14:56,285
Yeah, I guess you're right.
405
00:14:56,287 --> 00:14:58,020
I mean it's not like
anybody I know would be
406
00:14:58,022 --> 00:15:00,156
at a Ray LaMontagne concert.
407
00:15:00,158 --> 00:15:01,457
MAN:
Peter!
408
00:15:01,459 --> 00:15:02,491
Where'd he go?
409
00:15:02,493 --> 00:15:03,860
I'm-I'm gonna
keep the hat on.
410
00:15:03,862 --> 00:15:04,894
I'm sorry, Gretchen.
411
00:15:04,896 --> 00:15:06,028
This-this was a mistake.
412
00:15:06,030 --> 00:15:07,463
I just feel too guilty
413
00:15:07,465 --> 00:15:08,831
being out with another woman.
414
00:15:08,833 --> 00:15:10,333
I can't do this to Lois.
415
00:15:10,335 --> 00:15:12,335
Ah, I understand.
416
00:15:12,337 --> 00:15:13,336
(chuckles)
417
00:15:13,338 --> 00:15:14,904
Well, I guess there's no shame
418
00:15:14,906 --> 00:15:16,305
in coming in second, huh?
419
00:15:16,307 --> 00:15:17,306
That's right.
420
00:15:17,308 --> 00:15:19,408
Except in, like, wars.
421
00:15:19,410 --> 00:15:22,578
Aw, you are still
funny, sweet Peter.
422
00:15:22,580 --> 00:15:23,713
Yeah, I guess so.
423
00:15:23,715 --> 00:15:24,981
All right, I got to go.
424
00:15:24,983 --> 00:15:26,849
The beard inspector's
coming, anyway.
425
00:15:26,851 --> 00:15:28,551
Uh, sir, where's
your beard?
426
00:15:28,553 --> 00:15:29,819
I'm leaving.
I'm on my way out.
427
00:15:30,822 --> 00:15:33,022
That's my Peter.
428
00:15:33,024 --> 00:15:35,258
That's my Peter.
429
00:15:39,731 --> 00:15:41,797
(dance music plays)
430
00:15:44,235 --> 00:15:45,868
Wow, looks like
you're actually gonna
431
00:15:45,870 --> 00:15:47,003
get away with this, Stewie.
432
00:15:47,005 --> 00:15:48,938
(laughing):
And you threw a good party.
433
00:15:48,940 --> 00:15:50,539
Yeah, it's getting
pretty wild.
434
00:15:50,541 --> 00:15:51,574
Over in the guest bedroom
435
00:15:51,576 --> 00:15:53,376
there's a girl
pulling a train.
436
00:15:53,378 --> 00:15:55,544
This'll show my dad.
437
00:15:55,546 --> 00:15:57,380
Hey, by the way,
how'd you pay for all this?
438
00:15:57,382 --> 00:15:59,715
I dated Donald Sterling
for two weeks.
439
00:15:59,717 --> 00:16:01,250
He's a good man!
440
00:16:01,252 --> 00:16:03,853
You don't know him
like I know him!
441
00:16:03,855 --> 00:16:05,221
(children chattering)
442
00:16:05,223 --> 00:16:06,589
People.
People?
443
00:16:06,591 --> 00:16:09,859
As your rich host, I would
like to say a word if I may.
444
00:16:09,861 --> 00:16:13,262
I cannot tell you how pleased
I am to have finally found
445
00:16:13,264 --> 00:16:14,563
a group of peers with whom
446
00:16:14,565 --> 00:16:16,432
I share so many common
interests...
447
00:16:16,434 --> 00:16:18,634
(door opens)
and here come the people
who live here.
448
00:16:20,972 --> 00:16:22,405
Please let me explain!
449
00:16:22,407 --> 00:16:24,073
I was just worried
you wouldn't accept me
450
00:16:24,075 --> 00:16:25,274
because...
451
00:16:25,276 --> 00:16:27,243
I'm not wealthy
like you are.
452
00:16:27,245 --> 00:16:29,111
Stewie, it's not
that you're poor.
453
00:16:29,113 --> 00:16:31,914
It's that you lied
to us and you're poor.
454
00:16:31,916 --> 00:16:33,983
♪ ♪
455
00:16:37,255 --> 00:16:40,089
I'm sorry you lost your
rich friends, Stewie.
456
00:16:40,091 --> 00:16:42,291
Well, that's all right,
I don't need money.
457
00:16:42,293 --> 00:16:44,427
I already have
everything I need.
458
00:16:44,429 --> 00:16:47,129
Excuse me, is one
of you Chadley?
459
00:16:47,131 --> 00:16:49,065
You left your
wallet inside.
460
00:16:49,067 --> 00:16:51,067
Chicka-chickaw!
461
00:16:51,069 --> 00:16:52,768
Well, that "chicka-chickaw"
462
00:16:52,770 --> 00:16:54,937
makes me think
you're not Chadley.
463
00:16:54,939 --> 00:16:55,938
Oh, no!
464
00:16:55,940 --> 00:16:57,673
I chicka-chickawed
too early!
465
00:17:02,780 --> 00:17:04,947
Hey, Lois, you mind if
I cut out of here?
466
00:17:04,949 --> 00:17:06,248
Not at all.
Thanks.
467
00:17:06,250 --> 00:17:07,450
Not to be too intimate,
468
00:17:07,452 --> 00:17:09,118
but I need to have
a bowel movement
469
00:17:09,120 --> 00:17:10,453
and I can't go here.
470
00:17:10,455 --> 00:17:13,990
I can only go at home
or at the Koo Koo Roo.
471
00:17:13,992 --> 00:17:16,926
(door creaks)
472
00:17:16,928 --> 00:17:18,127
Hello?
473
00:17:18,129 --> 00:17:19,795
I-Is someone there?
474
00:17:19,797 --> 00:17:23,632
I thought I heard something
over the roar of my tinnitus.
475
00:17:23,634 --> 00:17:26,002
Oh, I'm-I'm sure it's nothing.
476
00:17:33,177 --> 00:17:35,011
(phone chimes)
Ooh, a text.
477
00:17:35,013 --> 00:17:37,480
"I'm taking care of our problem.
478
00:17:37,482 --> 00:17:38,881
"We'll be together soon.
479
00:17:38,883 --> 00:17:40,282
Love, Gretchen."
480
00:17:40,284 --> 00:17:41,484
Huh.
481
00:17:41,486 --> 00:17:43,319
Meg, you're kind of
a loner psychopath.
482
00:17:43,321 --> 00:17:45,187
What does this mean?
483
00:17:45,189 --> 00:17:47,656
Oh, this woman is
clearly a spurned lover
484
00:17:47,658 --> 00:17:48,891
who's planning to kill Mom.
485
00:17:48,893 --> 00:17:50,860
Ah, thank you.
486
00:17:50,862 --> 00:17:51,927
(whines nervously)
487
00:17:52,997 --> 00:17:54,330
You're a good dog, Meg.
488
00:17:54,332 --> 00:17:55,898
(whines nervously)
489
00:17:58,870 --> 00:18:01,637
Well, well, well...
490
00:18:01,639 --> 00:18:04,640
if it isn't the first
Mrs. Griffin.
491
00:18:04,642 --> 00:18:05,741
Gretchen?
492
00:18:05,743 --> 00:18:07,176
What are you doing here?
493
00:18:07,178 --> 00:18:09,245
Making sure Peter can
finally be with me,
494
00:18:09,247 --> 00:18:11,714
which is what
he's always wanted.
495
00:18:11,716 --> 00:18:13,883
Gretchen, it's 3:15
on a workday.
496
00:18:13,885 --> 00:18:15,351
The post office is closed.
497
00:18:15,353 --> 00:18:16,352
Lois!
498
00:18:16,354 --> 00:18:17,553
Gretchen wants to kill you,
499
00:18:17,555 --> 00:18:19,855
and I have a slip that
says we've got a package?
500
00:18:19,857 --> 00:18:22,024
Peter, I'm glad
you're here to see this.
501
00:18:22,026 --> 00:18:24,560
You and I can
finally be together.
502
00:18:26,230 --> 00:18:28,230
Peter, what's going on?!
503
00:18:28,232 --> 00:18:29,899
She's nuts is
what's going on!
504
00:18:29,901 --> 00:18:31,367
I don't want
to be with her!
505
00:18:31,369 --> 00:18:32,368
Oh, yeah?
506
00:18:32,370 --> 00:18:33,702
That's not
what you wrote.
507
00:18:33,704 --> 00:18:34,870
That's right.
508
00:18:34,872 --> 00:18:37,039
I lied about what
was in that letter.
509
00:18:37,041 --> 00:18:38,908
Lois, Lois,
before you read that,
510
00:18:38,910 --> 00:18:40,209
you need to know one thing:
511
00:18:40,211 --> 00:18:43,179
I'm the one throwing out
all your beige bras.
512
00:18:43,181 --> 00:18:45,481
Guys don't
like beige bras.
513
00:18:46,551 --> 00:18:47,716
You told an ex-girlfriend
514
00:18:47,718 --> 00:18:49,685
a week before our wedding
515
00:18:49,687 --> 00:18:51,053
you were having doubts?!
516
00:18:51,055 --> 00:18:52,254
Lois, Lois, listen to me.
517
00:18:52,256 --> 00:18:55,124
Yes, it is true,
just before we got married,
518
00:18:55,126 --> 00:18:56,725
I was having some doubts.
519
00:18:56,727 --> 00:18:59,028
I mean, your family hated me.
520
00:18:59,030 --> 00:19:01,130
I-I didn't think I was good
enough for you.
521
00:19:01,132 --> 00:19:03,232
We were kids, I was scared.
522
00:19:03,234 --> 00:19:04,400
Weren't you?
523
00:19:04,402 --> 00:19:05,935
No, I was in love,
524
00:19:05,937 --> 00:19:08,237
which is what I thought
you were, too.
525
00:19:08,239 --> 00:19:10,272
I was in love, Lois....
526
00:19:10,274 --> 00:19:11,540
and I still am.
527
00:19:11,542 --> 00:19:13,042
Not a day goes by where I don't
528
00:19:13,044 --> 00:19:14,910
thank my lucky stars
for picking you.
529
00:19:14,912 --> 00:19:16,812
It was the best choice
I ever made.
530
00:19:16,814 --> 00:19:18,747
Now, put that gun down,
Gretchen.
531
00:19:18,749 --> 00:19:20,082
You don't have to do this.
532
00:19:20,084 --> 00:19:21,917
That's right, you don't...
533
00:19:21,919 --> 00:19:23,419
because you can have him.
534
00:19:23,421 --> 00:19:24,553
What?!
535
00:19:24,555 --> 00:19:26,155
I'll never forgive you
for this, Peter.
536
00:19:26,157 --> 00:19:27,223
We're through!
537
00:19:28,259 --> 00:19:29,291
Oh, Peter!
538
00:19:29,293 --> 00:19:30,459
I can't wait
for you to meet
539
00:19:30,461 --> 00:19:32,661
the dogs and
the squirrels.
540
00:19:32,663 --> 00:19:34,263
LOIS:
Hey, Gretchen?
541
00:19:34,265 --> 00:19:35,664
(grunting)
542
00:19:36,801 --> 00:19:38,601
Get away from my husband.
543
00:19:38,603 --> 00:19:39,201
(grunts)
544
00:19:42,673 --> 00:19:44,607
Wait, so you're not mad?
545
00:19:44,609 --> 00:19:47,643
No, Peter, I was lying so
she'd let her guard down.
546
00:19:47,645 --> 00:19:49,411
But what about the letter?
547
00:19:49,413 --> 00:19:52,148
Peter, do you remember me
crying at our wedding?
548
00:19:52,150 --> 00:19:53,516
Sure, it's in
all our pictures.
549
00:19:53,518 --> 00:19:54,984
That's doubt.
550
00:19:54,986 --> 00:19:56,919
But there's no doubt anymore.
551
00:19:56,921 --> 00:19:59,622
You're the only man for me,
Peter Griffin.
552
00:19:59,624 --> 00:20:02,825
(sighing):
I love you, Lois.
553
00:20:04,662 --> 00:20:06,028
Oh, Peter!
554
00:20:06,030 --> 00:20:09,665
Now come on, let's get
it on through a P.O. box.
555
00:20:09,667 --> 00:20:11,000
LOIS:
Peter, this isn't working.
556
00:20:11,002 --> 00:20:12,168
Well, I'm at full go.
557
00:20:12,170 --> 00:20:13,435
Are you sure you're
in the right box?
558
00:20:13,437 --> 00:20:14,436
Yes.
559
00:20:14,438 --> 00:20:15,437
Box 528?
560
00:20:15,439 --> 00:20:16,972
Yes, 528.
561
00:20:16,974 --> 00:20:19,041
All right, just reach in
and grab it.
562
00:20:22,947 --> 00:20:24,680
Wow, Mom, I can't believe you
563
00:20:24,682 --> 00:20:26,782
got fired from the post office.
564
00:20:26,784 --> 00:20:28,851
Well, they didn't like
me beating up Gretchen
565
00:20:28,853 --> 00:20:30,219
on federal property,
566
00:20:30,221 --> 00:20:32,655
and then after your father
plugged up that P.O. box,
567
00:20:32,657 --> 00:20:34,790
there was a mutual
parting of the ways.
568
00:20:34,792 --> 00:20:36,492
Well, Stewie, I guess
since Lois lost her job,
569
00:20:36,494 --> 00:20:37,693
you're not going
to be able to go
570
00:20:37,695 --> 00:20:39,328
to that fancy
preschool anymore.
571
00:20:39,330 --> 00:20:40,329
Eh, I don't need school.
572
00:20:40,331 --> 00:20:41,330
I'll be fine.
573
00:20:41,332 --> 00:20:42,665
I'll just become
a YouTube star
574
00:20:42,667 --> 00:20:43,699
like Jenna Marbles.
575
00:20:43,701 --> 00:20:44,733
Who's that?
576
00:20:44,735 --> 00:20:45,868
No one knows,
but she's rich,
577
00:20:45,870 --> 00:20:48,204
as rich as
Ray William Johnson.
578
00:20:48,206 --> 00:20:50,339
Who's that?
Nobody knows,
but he's rich,
579
00:20:50,341 --> 00:20:52,141
as rich as Bethany Mota
580
00:20:52,143 --> 00:20:53,209
or Marcus Butler
581
00:20:53,211 --> 00:20:55,344
or Ingrid Nilsen.
582
00:20:55,346 --> 00:20:56,912
This?
This is over.38337
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