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♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:02,895 --> 00:00:06,063
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:06,065 --> 00:00:09,900
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:09,902 --> 00:00:12,903
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:12,905 --> 00:00:16,173
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:16,175 --> 00:00:19,676
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
7
00:00:19,678 --> 00:00:20,978
♪ All the things that make us ♪
8
00:00:20,980 --> 00:00:22,579
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
9
00:00:22,581 --> 00:00:28,218
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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00:00:31,991 --> 00:00:34,424
(low chatter,
slow, jazz music plays)
11
00:00:34,426 --> 00:00:36,293
(knocking)
12
00:00:36,295 --> 00:00:39,496
Hey, welcome to Bonnie's
29th birthday party.
13
00:00:39,498 --> 00:00:42,799
(laughing):
I ca... I can't keep this up.
14
00:00:42,801 --> 00:00:44,301
She's 46.
15
00:00:44,303 --> 00:00:46,103
Here, we brought you guys
an orchid from Trader Joe's,
16
00:00:46,105 --> 00:00:47,504
because we don't know
17
00:00:47,506 --> 00:00:49,906
or care about
any of your interests.
18
00:00:52,644 --> 00:00:54,211
Well, I put together
some videos
19
00:00:54,213 --> 00:00:55,846
for Bonnie's party.
20
00:00:55,848 --> 00:00:57,614
Here we are on our honeymoon.
21
00:00:57,616 --> 00:01:00,083
(mariachi music playing)
22
00:01:05,791 --> 00:01:07,691
Yeah, Cabo was great.
23
00:01:07,693 --> 00:01:10,027
We even went back
for our 10th anniversary.
24
00:01:10,029 --> 00:01:13,864
(mariachi music playing)
25
00:01:22,307 --> 00:01:25,208
Better wrap it up,
honey, tide's coming in.
26
00:01:25,210 --> 00:01:26,810
Well, let's break for presents,
27
00:01:26,812 --> 00:01:29,046
but after that, I'll show you
Susie's birth video,
28
00:01:29,048 --> 00:01:30,347
and I'll tell you,
she fell out of there
29
00:01:30,349 --> 00:01:32,649
like an orange out
of an old dress sock.
30
00:01:32,651 --> 00:01:36,019
Ugh, I have to text Rupert
what a train wreck this is.
31
00:01:36,021 --> 00:01:37,320
(quacking sound)
32
00:01:37,322 --> 00:01:39,890
Hey, I want real things.
33
00:01:43,595 --> 00:01:46,029
(toilet flushing)
34
00:01:46,031 --> 00:01:48,932
Kind of weird they're keeping
all our jackets in the tub.
35
00:01:48,934 --> 00:01:50,500
(crying)
36
00:01:52,571 --> 00:01:54,071
(crying continues)
37
00:01:54,073 --> 00:01:55,105
Bonnie?
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00:01:55,107 --> 00:01:56,940
I told you, Joe,
39
00:01:56,942 --> 00:01:58,008
when we're alone,
40
00:01:58,010 --> 00:01:59,676
you can call me "Bonald."
41
00:01:59,678 --> 00:02:01,278
No, i-it's me, Brian.
42
00:02:01,280 --> 00:02:02,746
Is that your real name?
43
00:02:02,748 --> 00:02:05,048
I mean, are you...
are you okay?
44
00:02:05,050 --> 00:02:06,216
Sorry, am I
allowed on the bed?
45
00:02:06,218 --> 00:02:07,851
I guess so.
46
00:02:07,853 --> 00:02:08,919
What's wrong?
47
00:02:08,921 --> 00:02:10,087
Nothing.
48
00:02:10,089 --> 00:02:11,121
I have something
in my eye.
49
00:02:11,123 --> 00:02:12,456
Yes, you do.
50
00:02:12,458 --> 00:02:14,057
It looks
like sadness.
51
00:02:14,059 --> 00:02:15,625
Come on, you
can tell me.
52
00:02:15,627 --> 00:02:17,260
I'm your
neighbor's dog.
53
00:02:17,262 --> 00:02:18,228
I don't know.
54
00:02:18,230 --> 00:02:19,563
It's just that
when I was young,
55
00:02:19,565 --> 00:02:20,764
I had so many things
56
00:02:20,766 --> 00:02:22,732
I wanted to do
with my life,
57
00:02:22,734 --> 00:02:24,568
but now, I'm 46,
58
00:02:24,570 --> 00:02:28,105
and all I've ever done
is take care of Joe.
59
00:02:28,107 --> 00:02:29,539
And now you feel like
you never had a chance
60
00:02:29,541 --> 00:02:31,274
to be your true self.
61
00:02:31,276 --> 00:02:32,242
Yeah.
62
00:02:32,244 --> 00:02:33,710
I know just how you feel.
63
00:02:33,712 --> 00:02:35,145
I mean, I'm happy
that Peter found me
64
00:02:35,147 --> 00:02:36,880
and gave me a home, but
65
00:02:36,882 --> 00:02:38,081
sometimes I wonder
66
00:02:38,083 --> 00:02:39,583
if I'd be happier
on my own.
67
00:02:39,585 --> 00:02:40,984
Exactly.
68
00:02:40,986 --> 00:02:42,719
It's like sometimes,
I feel...
69
00:02:42,721 --> 00:02:43,954
Trapped?
70
00:02:43,956 --> 00:02:47,591
No, I was going to say,
"like the von Trapps."
71
00:02:47,593 --> 00:02:50,293
You know, unable to leave
their home in Austria.
72
00:02:50,295 --> 00:02:53,130
Oh. Well, that still
is remarkably close.
73
00:02:53,132 --> 00:02:56,900
Thanks for being
so nice to me, Brian.
74
00:02:56,902 --> 00:02:59,336
Why are you scratching
behind my ear?
75
00:02:59,338 --> 00:03:00,837
I... I don't...
I don't know.
76
00:03:00,839 --> 00:03:02,272
I thought it might
make you feel better.
77
00:03:02,274 --> 00:03:04,808
It does feel kind of nice.
78
00:03:04,810 --> 00:03:06,243
You're a good girl.
79
00:03:06,245 --> 00:03:07,844
You're going to be okay.
80
00:03:12,818 --> 00:03:15,285
(soft moaning)
81
00:03:15,287 --> 00:03:16,586
I'm... I'm sorry.
82
00:03:16,588 --> 00:03:17,821
I did... I didn't...
I didn't mean...
83
00:03:17,823 --> 00:03:19,156
No, it's okay.
84
00:03:19,158 --> 00:03:21,258
Um... I better go downstairs
85
00:03:21,260 --> 00:03:23,126
before Joe realizes
I'm gone.
86
00:03:23,128 --> 00:03:24,494
And before Peter
87
00:03:24,496 --> 00:03:26,663
gets into the stuff
that's not for the party.
88
00:03:26,665 --> 00:03:28,465
PETER:
Aw, Halloween candy!
89
00:03:28,467 --> 00:03:30,700
JOE:
Peter, get out
of the pantry.
90
00:03:30,702 --> 00:03:33,436
Ah, I can't believe I just
kissed my friend's wife.
91
00:03:33,438 --> 00:03:35,939
I'm a bigger scumbag than Spock.
92
00:03:35,941 --> 00:03:37,474
I heard that there
was a Romulan ship
93
00:03:37,476 --> 00:03:39,342
spotted in our sector,
which means...
94
00:03:39,344 --> 00:03:41,111
Hey, hey.
95
00:03:41,113 --> 00:03:43,547
(jabbering)
96
00:03:47,352 --> 00:03:49,352
Kids, this morning,
Principal Shepherd
97
00:03:49,354 --> 00:03:50,387
wanted to say a few words.
98
00:03:50,389 --> 00:03:51,821
Thank you, Mrs. Abbott.
99
00:03:51,823 --> 00:03:54,357
Uh, before I start,
are these the normal kids
100
00:03:54,359 --> 00:03:56,326
or kind of the
"dur, dur" ones?
101
00:03:56,328 --> 00:03:57,894
It's a healthy mix.
102
00:03:57,896 --> 00:03:58,962
Good morning, children.
103
00:03:58,964 --> 00:04:00,497
It's that time
of the year again
104
00:04:00,499 --> 00:04:02,966
to fulfill your
community service requirement
105
00:04:02,968 --> 00:04:04,201
by signing up
for volunteer work.
106
00:04:04,203 --> 00:04:05,802
Do we get to choose
our own jobs?
107
00:04:05,804 --> 00:04:07,137
No, no, no, no.
108
00:04:07,139 --> 00:04:08,905
The jobs will be
assigned randomly
109
00:04:08,907 --> 00:04:10,407
but the cooler
and prettier students
110
00:04:10,409 --> 00:04:11,641
have the better jobs.
111
00:04:11,643 --> 00:04:13,577
For instance, blonde
chick in the third row
112
00:04:13,579 --> 00:04:15,512
will wash my car
this afternoon
113
00:04:15,514 --> 00:04:17,747
while, Little Miss Frumpkin
with all the questions,
114
00:04:17,749 --> 00:04:19,649
will work in an
old folks' home.
115
00:04:19,651 --> 00:04:21,251
Is "frumpkin" good?
116
00:04:21,253 --> 00:04:23,286
(laughing):
No, no.
117
00:04:27,926 --> 00:04:29,326
Brian, what are you
doing up so late?
118
00:04:29,328 --> 00:04:31,228
Ah, I'm having
trouble sleeping.
119
00:04:31,230 --> 00:04:32,996
I got to tell you something.
120
00:04:32,998 --> 00:04:35,232
I kissed Bonnie last night.
121
00:04:35,234 --> 00:04:36,399
What?!
122
00:04:36,401 --> 00:04:37,534
I know! I know!
It was a huge mistake.
123
00:04:37,536 --> 00:04:39,336
So let's just do two
or three high-fives
124
00:04:39,338 --> 00:04:40,670
and then forget
it ever happened.
125
00:04:40,672 --> 00:04:42,439
Brian, if Joe finds out,
he'll kill you.
126
00:04:42,441 --> 00:04:43,540
Yeah, no kidding.
127
00:04:43,542 --> 00:04:44,574
That's why you can't
tell anybody.
128
00:04:44,576 --> 00:04:45,675
Promise me.
129
00:04:45,677 --> 00:04:46,843
Oh, don't worry.
Don't worry.
130
00:04:46,845 --> 00:04:48,411
I'm great at
keeping secrets.
131
00:04:48,413 --> 00:04:49,212
Well, except for
that one time
132
00:04:49,214 --> 00:04:51,281
you discovered
my hidden shame.
133
00:04:53,418 --> 00:04:54,618
Peter?
134
00:04:54,620 --> 00:04:55,752
Brian.
135
00:04:55,754 --> 00:04:57,554
I'm, uh, I'm sorry.
136
00:04:57,556 --> 00:04:59,889
I'm one of these guys now.
137
00:04:59,891 --> 00:05:03,260
I'm sorry, Brian, I'm sorry.
138
00:05:07,766 --> 00:05:08,932
Mrs. Parkhurst?
139
00:05:08,934 --> 00:05:10,700
I'm Meg, your new
student volunteer.
140
00:05:10,702 --> 00:05:14,904
Oh, you must be my
new student volunteer.
141
00:05:14,906 --> 00:05:16,373
Yeah, I just said that.
142
00:05:16,375 --> 00:05:18,208
What's your name, dear?
143
00:05:18,210 --> 00:05:19,476
It's Meg.
144
00:05:19,478 --> 00:05:21,411
Can... can I get
a new person?
145
00:05:21,413 --> 00:05:23,146
Nonsense, come in,
146
00:05:23,148 --> 00:05:24,447
and between you and me,
147
00:05:24,449 --> 00:05:27,217
I hate my new
student volunteer.
148
00:05:27,219 --> 00:05:28,652
That ugly little Meg.
149
00:05:28,654 --> 00:05:30,320
She says she's a girl,
150
00:05:30,322 --> 00:05:33,089
but she certainly has
a boy's body odor.
151
00:05:33,091 --> 00:05:35,058
(sighs)
152
00:05:38,597 --> 00:05:40,063
(doorbell ringing)
153
00:05:41,500 --> 00:05:42,932
Oh, come on in.
154
00:05:42,934 --> 00:05:45,335
Peter, Joe and Bonnie
are here for game night.
155
00:05:45,337 --> 00:05:46,336
Game night?
156
00:05:46,338 --> 00:05:48,438
Yeah, I figured it was
the least we could do,
157
00:05:48,440 --> 00:05:50,407
since you pulled up
a beheading video on your phone
158
00:05:50,409 --> 00:05:52,475
at their party
and showed it to everyone.
159
00:05:52,477 --> 00:05:54,611
It was really more about
how loud my phone can get.
160
00:05:54,613 --> 00:05:55,679
Peter, we're doing this.
161
00:05:55,681 --> 00:05:57,347
(sighs)
All right.
162
00:05:57,349 --> 00:05:58,748
But the Operation game
is out of batteries,
163
00:05:58,750 --> 00:06:00,483
so I'll have to
make the noise.
164
00:06:00,485 --> 00:06:01,451
(imitates buzzer)
165
00:06:01,453 --> 00:06:02,652
You hear that?
166
00:06:02,654 --> 00:06:05,355
That's the sound
of bad surgery.
167
00:06:07,326 --> 00:06:08,792
All right,
I'm awesome at charades.
168
00:06:08,794 --> 00:06:10,026
Guys are going first.
169
00:06:10,028 --> 00:06:11,695
Okay, go.
170
00:06:11,697 --> 00:06:13,463
Uh, About a Boy.
171
00:06:13,465 --> 00:06:15,298
Uh, Four...Four Weddings and a Funeral.
172
00:06:15,300 --> 00:06:16,833
Uh, Nine Months.
173
00:06:16,835 --> 00:06:18,101
Notting Hill.
174
00:06:18,103 --> 00:06:19,602
Yes, it was Notting Hill.
175
00:06:19,604 --> 00:06:21,771
I'm going to go
get more wine.
176
00:06:23,141 --> 00:06:24,641
Oh, hey.
177
00:06:24,643 --> 00:06:26,142
Hi, Brian.
178
00:06:26,144 --> 00:06:28,478
Um, listen,
about the other night.
179
00:06:28,480 --> 00:06:30,447
You haven't told anyone,
have you?
180
00:06:30,449 --> 00:06:32,048
No, no, of course not.
181
00:06:32,050 --> 00:06:33,683
I was going to
ask if you had.
182
00:06:33,685 --> 00:06:35,618
Hey, Brian,
can you bring me up a snack?
183
00:06:35,620 --> 00:06:37,053
I'm supposed to be in bed.
184
00:06:37,055 --> 00:06:39,022
Look, the other
night was great,
185
00:06:39,024 --> 00:06:40,223
but it was a mistake.
186
00:06:40,225 --> 00:06:41,458
You're right.
187
00:06:41,460 --> 00:06:44,127
STEWIE:
Oh, man, what?
188
00:06:44,129 --> 00:06:45,395
Yeah, I me... I mean, there's...
189
00:06:45,397 --> 00:06:47,731
there's definitely some kind
of connection between us, but...
190
00:06:47,733 --> 00:06:49,499
I felt it, too,
191
00:06:49,501 --> 00:06:51,835
but maybe in another life, huh?
192
00:06:51,837 --> 00:06:53,737
(sighs)
Yeah, I guess
you're right.
193
00:06:53,739 --> 00:06:55,338
This could never work.
194
00:06:55,340 --> 00:06:57,540
Like porn movies
before sound.
195
00:06:57,542 --> 00:06:59,342
(lively piano music playing)
196
00:06:59,344 --> 00:07:03,980
(moaning and grunting)
197
00:07:03,982 --> 00:07:05,415
Ooh.
198
00:07:05,417 --> 00:07:07,550
Oh, there you are.
199
00:07:07,552 --> 00:07:08,752
Come on, Bonnie,
it's Joe's turn.
200
00:07:08,754 --> 00:07:11,221
Okay, here we go,
uh, uh, crippled guy...
201
00:07:11,223 --> 00:07:13,189
uh, cheating wife...
202
00:07:13,191 --> 00:07:15,925
uh, uh, cheating wife
of a crippled guy...
203
00:07:15,927 --> 00:07:19,028
Uh, dog... some... something
with a dog... uh, dog kiss.
204
00:07:19,030 --> 00:07:21,030
I-I-I, uh, I think
that's, uh, time.
205
00:07:21,032 --> 00:07:22,031
Your, your turn is over.
206
00:07:22,033 --> 00:07:23,366
Oh, sounds like, uh, sounds like
207
00:07:23,368 --> 00:07:25,335
dog kisses crippled guy's wife
208
00:07:25,337 --> 00:07:26,369
at your party.
209
00:07:26,371 --> 00:07:27,871
Wait, wait! I know it.
210
00:07:27,873 --> 00:07:29,606
The other night at your party,
Brian kissed Bonnie.
211
00:07:29,608 --> 00:07:30,740
(all gasp)
LOIS: What?
212
00:07:30,742 --> 00:07:32,942
Bonnie, is this true?
213
00:07:32,944 --> 00:07:34,577
Oh, my God.
214
00:07:34,579 --> 00:07:36,579
I know, making out with a dog?
215
00:07:36,581 --> 00:07:39,949
Can you even imagine a woman who
possibly does that for real?
216
00:07:51,596 --> 00:07:52,896
Uh, hi, Joe.
217
00:07:52,898 --> 00:07:54,264
Hi, Brian.
218
00:07:54,266 --> 00:07:56,766
Look, I-I want to apologize
for what happened.
219
00:07:56,768 --> 00:07:59,202
I-I-I didn't mean
to kiss Bonnie.
220
00:07:59,204 --> 00:08:01,070
Everybody had a little
too much to drink.
221
00:08:01,072 --> 00:08:02,539
It-it just happened.
222
00:08:02,541 --> 00:08:04,407
Uh, I hope we're still cool.
223
00:08:04,409 --> 00:08:05,708
Hey, don't worry about it.
224
00:08:05,710 --> 00:08:07,076
It was a crazy party.
225
00:08:07,078 --> 00:08:08,545
We ran out of salsa.
226
00:08:08,547 --> 00:08:09,946
(laughing)
227
00:08:09,948 --> 00:08:11,781
How do you run out of salsa?
228
00:08:11,783 --> 00:08:13,450
Anyway, we're good.
229
00:08:13,452 --> 00:08:14,751
(relieved sigh)
Really?
230
00:08:14,753 --> 00:08:15,985
Oh, thank God.
231
00:08:15,987 --> 00:08:18,388
I-I-I was worried you'd be mad.
232
00:08:18,390 --> 00:08:20,557
Mad? At my buddy, Brian?
233
00:08:20,559 --> 00:08:21,791
Not a chance.
234
00:08:21,793 --> 00:08:23,293
Hey, is that your car?
235
00:08:25,764 --> 00:08:26,996
What? No!
236
00:08:26,998 --> 00:08:27,997
Wh-what's he doing?
237
00:08:27,999 --> 00:08:29,499
My car was parked legally.
238
00:08:29,501 --> 00:08:32,168
Huh. Well, maybe your car
239
00:08:32,170 --> 00:08:34,737
violated some sort
of unspoken boundary.
240
00:08:34,739 --> 00:08:36,973
One that nobody
bothers to codify
241
00:08:36,975 --> 00:08:39,509
because it's just
common decency.
242
00:08:39,511 --> 00:08:41,144
Hey, Joe, is that the guy?
243
00:08:41,146 --> 00:08:42,178
Read your text, Jerry.
244
00:08:42,180 --> 00:08:43,813
Not supposed to say
you know me.
245
00:08:43,815 --> 00:08:45,682
Well, I hope your day
gets better, Brian,
246
00:08:45,684 --> 00:08:48,685
but, uh, I wouldn't
count on it.
247
00:08:48,687 --> 00:08:50,687
(evil laughter)
248
00:08:55,627 --> 00:08:58,328
Boy, it wasn't easy
Mrs. Parkhurst,
249
00:08:58,330 --> 00:08:59,863
but I think we
got the nail
250
00:08:59,865 --> 00:09:01,498
that was poking
through your slipper.
251
00:09:01,500 --> 00:09:03,666
Well, you strike
me as someone
252
00:09:03,668 --> 00:09:05,301
who's never going
to get married,
253
00:09:05,303 --> 00:09:06,536
that's for sure.
254
00:09:06,538 --> 00:09:08,638
Now get me my itch cream.
255
00:09:08,640 --> 00:09:09,472
Is it in the drawer?
256
00:09:09,474 --> 00:09:10,707
Shut up!
257
00:09:10,709 --> 00:09:12,809
I'm trying to
hum atonally.
258
00:09:12,811 --> 00:09:14,878
(hums atonally)
259
00:09:14,880 --> 00:09:16,212
Ugh.
260
00:09:20,685 --> 00:09:22,752
(humming continues)
261
00:09:25,891 --> 00:09:27,123
Here's your cream.
262
00:09:27,125 --> 00:09:28,358
See you Thursday.
263
00:09:29,528 --> 00:09:31,861
Oh, my God,
I can't believe I stole this.
264
00:09:31,863 --> 00:09:33,496
You know what?
I don't feel bad.
265
00:09:33,498 --> 00:09:35,164
That woman's a nightmare.
266
00:09:35,166 --> 00:09:38,034
(gasps)
Ooh, I should text this
to my best friend.
267
00:09:39,137 --> 00:09:40,136
(cell phone chimes)
268
00:09:40,138 --> 00:09:41,671
Sick brooch!
269
00:09:41,673 --> 00:09:44,574
Adam, are you done with
that mayor homework, yet?
270
00:09:44,576 --> 00:09:47,243
It's called a bill, Mom.
271
00:09:51,683 --> 00:09:52,849
Hey, Brian,
272
00:09:52,851 --> 00:09:55,251
I, uh, feel that things
have been awkward between us,
273
00:09:55,253 --> 00:09:57,186
but just to show you
there's no hard feelings,
274
00:09:57,188 --> 00:09:58,254
can I buy you a drink?
275
00:09:58,256 --> 00:09:59,956
You know what?
Sure, thanks.
276
00:10:05,363 --> 00:10:07,730
What the hell happened?
277
00:10:09,935 --> 00:10:11,601
Ah! How do I walk?!
278
00:10:11,603 --> 00:10:13,670
Are these forever?!
279
00:10:13,672 --> 00:10:17,740
I also rubbed my butt on you
while you were unconscious.
280
00:10:17,742 --> 00:10:21,344
I like to put stuff online.
281
00:10:26,551 --> 00:10:27,784
Meg, Mom said that...
282
00:10:27,786 --> 00:10:29,552
Hey, what's all this stuff?
283
00:10:29,554 --> 00:10:31,688
Stuff I stole from
the old folks' home.
284
00:10:31,690 --> 00:10:33,122
But you should see
how they treat me.
285
00:10:33,124 --> 00:10:35,124
Meg, that's no excuse.
286
00:10:35,126 --> 00:10:36,392
Stealing is just plain...
287
00:10:36,394 --> 00:10:38,761
Oh, my God, is that
someone else's glasses?
288
00:10:38,763 --> 00:10:41,097
I love wearing other
people's glasses.
289
00:10:41,099 --> 00:10:42,699
(laughs)
290
00:10:42,701 --> 00:10:44,767
Do I look like I stole
atomic secrets?
291
00:10:44,769 --> 00:10:45,902
You do.
292
00:10:45,904 --> 00:10:47,737
Wow, this is awesome.
293
00:10:47,739 --> 00:10:48,738
I want in.
294
00:10:48,740 --> 00:10:51,240
And there's the
splitting headache
295
00:10:51,242 --> 00:10:53,676
from wearing someone
else's glasses.
296
00:10:58,583 --> 00:11:01,985
Okay, Chris, here's a room
I haven't hit, yet.
297
00:11:01,987 --> 00:11:04,320
Here, follow my lead.
298
00:11:06,291 --> 00:11:07,423
Who's there?
299
00:11:07,425 --> 00:11:08,891
Why are you in my room?
300
00:11:08,893 --> 00:11:10,226
Oh, hi.
301
00:11:10,228 --> 00:11:13,296
You died, and I'm here
to take you to heaven.
302
00:11:13,298 --> 00:11:14,897
Um, upsy-daisy, here we go.
303
00:11:17,102 --> 00:11:18,668
Well, now that
I'm in heaven...
304
00:11:18,670 --> 00:11:20,903
(squeaky fart)
305
00:11:20,905 --> 00:11:22,071
Hurry, take everything,
306
00:11:22,073 --> 00:11:24,674
and be quick or we'll
be in bigger trouble
307
00:11:24,676 --> 00:11:26,809
than a fat guy
at a water park.
308
00:11:26,811 --> 00:11:29,245
Come on, Dad, let's go
on the water slide.
309
00:11:29,247 --> 00:11:30,947
(sighs)
I can't fit.
310
00:11:30,949 --> 00:11:33,082
I'm afraid
I'll get stuck.
311
00:11:33,084 --> 00:11:34,450
I'll just go in
the lazy river.
312
00:11:34,452 --> 00:11:35,585
But, Dad...
313
00:11:35,587 --> 00:11:38,588
No, son, this is
the life I've chosen.
314
00:11:39,591 --> 00:11:43,026
♪ When your day is long ♪
315
00:11:45,330 --> 00:11:47,697
♪ And the night ♪
316
00:11:47,699 --> 00:11:52,001
♪ The night is yours alone ♪
317
00:11:54,706 --> 00:11:56,673
♪ When you're sure you... ♪
318
00:11:56,675 --> 00:11:58,741
(music stops)
319
00:12:03,948 --> 00:12:07,784
(music resumes):
♪ ...you've had enough ♪
320
00:12:07,786 --> 00:12:12,021
♪ Of this life... ♪
321
00:12:14,959 --> 00:12:16,492
Guys, thanks again
for doing this.
322
00:12:16,494 --> 00:12:18,561
Joe has been making
my life hell.
323
00:12:18,563 --> 00:12:19,562
Of course.
324
00:12:19,564 --> 00:12:20,863
All right,
now when Joe gets here
325
00:12:20,865 --> 00:12:21,831
we're just going to tell him
326
00:12:21,833 --> 00:12:23,032
he needs to lighten up on Brian,
327
00:12:23,034 --> 00:12:24,567
and then we'll all talk
this thing out
328
00:12:24,569 --> 00:12:26,069
so we can move past it.
329
00:12:26,071 --> 00:12:27,837
And then I get
to show my card trick?
330
00:12:27,839 --> 00:12:29,138
If there's time.
331
00:12:29,674 --> 00:12:30,940
Let's make this quick.
332
00:12:31,976 --> 00:12:34,010
What's going on?
What's all this?
333
00:12:34,012 --> 00:12:35,578
Joe, we all know what happened
334
00:12:35,580 --> 00:12:37,380
and we're here for you.
335
00:12:37,382 --> 00:12:39,982
But we think that you're taking
this revenge on Brian
336
00:12:39,984 --> 00:12:41,384
just a little too far.
337
00:12:41,386 --> 00:12:42,518
Yeah.
Yeah, I mean,
come on.
338
00:12:42,520 --> 00:12:43,886
It's...it's like
enough is enough.
339
00:12:43,888 --> 00:12:45,755
The Triscuits are
the rosemary kind,
340
00:12:45,757 --> 00:12:47,857
not the regular kind.
341
00:12:47,859 --> 00:12:50,593
Me? I'm not the guy
who violated the sanctity
342
00:12:50,595 --> 00:12:52,228
of someone else's marriage.
343
00:12:52,230 --> 00:12:53,730
Well, you make a
good point, Joe,
344
00:12:53,732 --> 00:12:55,331
and you're right,
this is Brian.
345
00:12:55,333 --> 00:12:56,699
We all know
he don't care
346
00:12:56,701 --> 00:12:58,234
where he gets
his wick wet.
347
00:12:58,236 --> 00:13:00,069
Just ask
Quagmire's father.
348
00:13:00,071 --> 00:13:02,271
Okay, we might be getting
a little off track, here.
349
00:13:02,273 --> 00:13:03,506
Yeah, yeah, Brian's right.
350
00:13:03,508 --> 00:13:04,841
Joe, you're out of control.
351
00:13:04,843 --> 00:13:05,742
Even though Brian's
been trying
352
00:13:05,744 --> 00:13:07,076
to do my wife for years,
353
00:13:07,078 --> 00:13:08,945
and on some level,
I hate him for it.
354
00:13:08,947 --> 00:13:10,913
Oh, Brian's a complete dick,
we all know that,
355
00:13:10,915 --> 00:13:12,548
but I think we're
losing sight of the point
356
00:13:12,550 --> 00:13:14,717
that Bonnie's a weird slut
who's always letting you know
357
00:13:14,719 --> 00:13:15,718
she's open for business.
358
00:13:15,720 --> 00:13:17,920
What? When am I doing that?
359
00:13:17,922 --> 00:13:19,522
Oh, come on, when are
you not doing that?
360
00:13:19,524 --> 00:13:20,857
With that
boo-boo-baby voice,
361
00:13:20,859 --> 00:13:22,725
and that
still-breastfeeding rack.
362
00:13:22,727 --> 00:13:23,893
(grunts)
Give me some of that!
363
00:13:23,895 --> 00:13:25,294
I'm Bonnie's friend,
364
00:13:25,296 --> 00:13:26,863
but she could
sometimes get the mail
365
00:13:26,865 --> 00:13:28,631
in something other than a robe.
366
00:13:28,633 --> 00:13:29,799
Okay, so we're all
in agreement,
367
00:13:29,801 --> 00:13:31,734
Bonnie and Brian
are terrible people.
368
00:13:31,736 --> 00:13:33,236
Quagmire, I want you
to think of a card,
369
00:13:33,238 --> 00:13:34,971
but do not tell me what it is.
370
00:13:34,973 --> 00:13:36,139
Okay, enough.
371
00:13:36,141 --> 00:13:38,407
How dare any of you
criticize Bonnie?
372
00:13:38,409 --> 00:13:40,576
For years, she gave
up her own dreams
373
00:13:40,578 --> 00:13:41,744
to take care of Joe.
374
00:13:41,746 --> 00:13:43,312
And yeah, maybe
she kissed me.
375
00:13:43,314 --> 00:13:44,781
Maybe she needed to
because she feels
376
00:13:44,783 --> 00:13:45,815
so trapped in
her marriage.
377
00:13:45,817 --> 00:13:46,983
It's true.
378
00:13:46,985 --> 00:13:50,219
No one ever takes the time
to ask how I feel.
379
00:13:50,221 --> 00:13:51,988
Brian's the only one.
380
00:13:51,990 --> 00:13:53,222
They don't get us, Bonnie,
381
00:13:53,224 --> 00:13:54,757
and you deserve
better than this.
382
00:13:54,759 --> 00:13:56,159
We both do.
383
00:13:56,161 --> 00:13:57,260
You know what?
384
00:13:57,262 --> 00:13:59,128
Let's get out of here.
385
00:14:05,136 --> 00:14:08,171
Wow, we are zero for two
on interventions today.
386
00:14:10,341 --> 00:14:11,974
I'm not changing for nobody.
387
00:14:11,976 --> 00:14:14,577
You're no... you're the ones
with the problems.
388
00:14:21,953 --> 00:14:23,486
Ah, we did it.
389
00:14:23,488 --> 00:14:25,354
We don't need those
narrow-minded losers.
390
00:14:25,356 --> 00:14:27,089
This is so exciting.
391
00:14:27,091 --> 00:14:29,926
We can finally live the
lives we've always wanted.
392
00:14:29,928 --> 00:14:32,361
Like, I can finally start
my jewelry design business
393
00:14:32,363 --> 00:14:35,398
making earrings for tweens.
394
00:14:36,467 --> 00:14:38,334
Listen, hear that?
395
00:14:38,336 --> 00:14:40,369
That is the sound
of not making
396
00:14:40,371 --> 00:14:41,938
an enormous mistake.
397
00:14:41,940 --> 00:14:43,806
I think I hear it.
398
00:14:43,808 --> 00:14:44,874
(alarm dinging)
399
00:14:44,876 --> 00:14:47,543
Oh, hang on, looks
like we need gas.
400
00:14:47,545 --> 00:14:49,812
So do you have,
like, a credit card?
401
00:14:49,814 --> 00:14:51,881
Nope and no cash, either,
402
00:14:51,883 --> 00:14:53,950
but I don't care.
403
00:14:53,952 --> 00:14:55,985
I couldn't stand
another moment with Joe.
404
00:14:55,987 --> 00:14:59,689
It was torture just watching
him do a crossword puzzle.
405
00:14:59,691 --> 00:15:02,024
Hey, Bonnie, what's a
five-letter word for marriage?
406
00:15:02,026 --> 00:15:03,392
Fraud.
407
00:15:03,394 --> 00:15:04,994
Uh, it's got to start
with a "U".
408
00:15:04,996 --> 00:15:06,362
Union.
409
00:15:06,364 --> 00:15:08,197
Boy, you stink at this.
410
00:15:08,199 --> 00:15:11,200
(big bang music plays)
411
00:15:11,202 --> 00:15:13,369
(music continues)
412
00:15:13,371 --> 00:15:16,172
Boy, it's just so
comforting to be here
413
00:15:16,174 --> 00:15:19,008
surrounded by
other people's memories.
414
00:15:19,010 --> 00:15:21,043
(blowing nose loudly)
415
00:15:21,045 --> 00:15:23,079
Back into the
sleeve with you.
416
00:15:23,081 --> 00:15:24,213
Can you hand me
another nylon
417
00:15:24,215 --> 00:15:26,816
that I use as a sock
with my huge beige shoe?
418
00:15:26,818 --> 00:15:29,051
Sure, and can you
hand me that ashtray?
419
00:15:29,053 --> 00:15:30,820
I might fire up
this pipe again.
420
00:15:30,822 --> 00:15:32,822
Chris, that's not
an ashtray.
421
00:15:32,824 --> 00:15:34,857
That's an urn
for someone's ashes.
422
00:15:34,859 --> 00:15:36,025
Really?
423
00:15:36,027 --> 00:15:37,260
Yeah, you've been
putting your pipe out
424
00:15:37,262 --> 00:15:38,527
in some guy.
425
00:15:38,529 --> 00:15:41,664
Oh, my God,
what are we doing?
426
00:15:41,666 --> 00:15:43,099
I feel awful.
427
00:15:43,101 --> 00:15:45,201
We need to give
everything back.
428
00:15:45,203 --> 00:15:47,103
Oh, you're right.
429
00:15:47,105 --> 00:15:49,038
We need to do
the right thing.
430
00:15:49,040 --> 00:15:51,207
Like the dad
from Small Wonder.
431
00:15:51,209 --> 00:15:52,341
All right, Vickie,
432
00:15:52,343 --> 00:15:54,076
time to shut you down
for the night.
433
00:15:54,078 --> 00:15:54,877
(robotic voice)
Good-night.
434
00:15:54,879 --> 00:15:58,414
See you tomorrow.
435
00:16:02,053 --> 00:16:03,419
(hisses through teeth)
436
00:16:03,421 --> 00:16:05,655
Nah.
437
00:16:09,594 --> 00:16:11,961
(sighs)
She's really gone,
438
00:16:11,963 --> 00:16:13,930
and she took little
Susie with her.
439
00:16:13,932 --> 00:16:15,932
I miss that baby
more than anything.
440
00:16:15,934 --> 00:16:19,068
(Susie crying)
441
00:16:19,070 --> 00:16:20,603
Oh, I guess she
left it here.
442
00:16:20,605 --> 00:16:21,871
Joe, I want you to know,
443
00:16:21,873 --> 00:16:24,040
I will not support
that relationship.
444
00:16:24,042 --> 00:16:25,541
If Brian and Bonnie
get married,
445
00:16:25,543 --> 00:16:26,742
I will not go.
446
00:16:26,744 --> 00:16:28,945
Although, Brian might want
me to be his best man.
447
00:16:28,947 --> 00:16:29,979
Then I'd have to go,
448
00:16:29,981 --> 00:16:32,081
and I'd have to dance.
449
00:16:32,083 --> 00:16:33,983
It would be weird to
be best man and not dance.
450
00:16:33,985 --> 00:16:35,151
And I'd have
to give a toast,
451
00:16:35,153 --> 00:16:36,819
and say that Bonnie's
the best thing
452
00:16:36,821 --> 00:16:37,887
that ever happened to him.
453
00:16:37,889 --> 00:16:39,088
You know, she is
the best thing
454
00:16:39,090 --> 00:16:40,890
that ever happened to him,
but don't worry, Joe.
455
00:16:40,892 --> 00:16:42,258
I'll only refer to you
as Bonnie's ex.
456
00:16:42,260 --> 00:16:44,427
You know, like,
"Bonnie has an ex,
457
00:16:44,429 --> 00:16:46,329
but Brian marks the spot."
458
00:16:46,331 --> 00:16:47,396
Oh, Peter, that's good.
459
00:16:47,398 --> 00:16:48,631
Thanks, babe.
460
00:16:48,633 --> 00:16:50,599
I hope Brian and Bonnie
are as happy as us.
461
00:16:50,601 --> 00:16:52,301
To Brian and Bonnie.
462
00:16:57,442 --> 00:16:59,408
Bad news:
the teenage runaways
463
00:16:59,410 --> 00:17:01,777
at table four were
not big tippers.
464
00:17:01,779 --> 00:17:04,280
We just need enough
money to get to Taos.
465
00:17:04,282 --> 00:17:05,648
That's like the capital
466
00:17:05,650 --> 00:17:07,683
of making and selling
your own jewelry.
467
00:17:07,685 --> 00:17:09,018
Okay, enough about
the jewelry.
468
00:17:09,020 --> 00:17:10,019
Do you even know
how to make it?
469
00:17:10,021 --> 00:17:11,854
I know how to
make jewelry.
470
00:17:11,856 --> 00:17:12,989
I just don't know
471
00:17:12,991 --> 00:17:16,125
how to make the
metal go into shapes.
472
00:17:16,127 --> 00:17:16,959
Hey, you know what'd be great?
473
00:17:16,961 --> 00:17:18,127
If you could talk with even
474
00:17:18,129 --> 00:17:20,162
a little bit of inflection
to your voice,
475
00:17:20,164 --> 00:17:22,765
so it doesn't sound so much
like a (bleep) power sander.
476
00:17:22,767 --> 00:17:24,100
Screw you.
477
00:17:24,102 --> 00:17:26,002
You tweet things that
aren't worth tweeting.
478
00:17:26,004 --> 00:17:27,103
Well, I'm sorry,
479
00:17:27,105 --> 00:17:28,471
but Kim Kardashian
did get famous
480
00:17:28,473 --> 00:17:29,939
for making a sex tape.
481
00:17:29,941 --> 00:17:31,173
We all know that.
482
00:17:31,175 --> 00:17:32,325
That's not yours.
483
00:17:32,326 --> 00:17:33,476
And stop breathing
through your mouth.
484
00:17:33,478 --> 00:17:35,111
It's really annoying.
485
00:17:35,113 --> 00:17:36,112
I'm panting.
486
00:17:36,114 --> 00:17:37,313
That's how I sweat,
you dumb bitch.
487
00:17:37,315 --> 00:17:38,481
No, it isn't.
488
00:17:38,483 --> 00:17:40,182
Dogs sweat
through their paws.
489
00:17:40,184 --> 00:17:41,484
You're such a
know-it-all, Brian,
490
00:17:41,486 --> 00:17:43,953
you don't even know
about your own body.
491
00:17:43,955 --> 00:17:45,588
At least I've
had an orgasm.
492
00:17:46,391 --> 00:17:49,158
Wow, I am sorry.
493
00:17:49,160 --> 00:17:51,193
Look, th-this isn't us.
494
00:17:51,195 --> 00:17:51,994
This is just the no food
495
00:17:51,996 --> 00:17:53,396
and sleeping in
a car talking.
496
00:17:53,398 --> 00:17:55,031
We can make this work,
497
00:17:55,033 --> 00:17:57,033
like couples who
meet on Craigslist.
498
00:17:59,170 --> 00:18:01,070
BOTH:
You're not what you look like
in your picture.
499
00:18:01,072 --> 00:18:03,572
Let's get this over with.
500
00:18:03,574 --> 00:18:06,275
I wonder which one of us
is the murderer?
501
00:18:11,816 --> 00:18:13,849
Okay, we ditch this stuff
in the day room,
502
00:18:13,851 --> 00:18:15,484
and then I'm done
with my volunteer hours
503
00:18:15,486 --> 00:18:17,319
and we never come
back here again.
504
00:18:19,690 --> 00:18:20,923
Mrs. Parkhurst?
505
00:18:20,925 --> 00:18:24,860
Look at you two,
stealing from the elderly.
506
00:18:24,862 --> 00:18:26,929
You're worse than that
Juliette Lewis
507
00:18:26,931 --> 00:18:28,664
who makes out with dogs.
508
00:18:28,666 --> 00:18:30,099
Wait, is that a real thing?
509
00:18:30,101 --> 00:18:31,167
Where did you hear that?
510
00:18:31,169 --> 00:18:32,669
What are your sources?
511
00:18:32,670 --> 00:18:34,170
Listen, we're very sorry
we stole from you,
512
00:18:34,172 --> 00:18:35,104
but you have it all back now,
513
00:18:35,106 --> 00:18:37,073
so we cool, right?
514
00:18:37,075 --> 00:18:40,109
You know I should call
the police on you.
515
00:18:40,111 --> 00:18:41,210
The police?!
516
00:18:41,212 --> 00:18:44,547
Or maybe, instead,
we do things my way.
517
00:18:44,549 --> 00:18:46,248
What's that?
518
00:18:46,250 --> 00:18:48,084
You will spend time with us
519
00:18:48,086 --> 00:18:50,119
every afternoon after school,
520
00:18:50,121 --> 00:18:52,621
doing jigsaw puzzles,
521
00:18:52,623 --> 00:18:54,723
reading us the newspaper,
522
00:18:54,725 --> 00:18:59,061
listening to poorly remembered
stories that have no point.
523
00:18:59,063 --> 00:19:01,197
You monster.
524
00:19:01,199 --> 00:19:02,198
Sit down.
525
00:19:03,568 --> 00:19:05,434
Now I feel some
dementia coming.
526
00:19:05,436 --> 00:19:07,269
Feed me pudding
while I grip
527
00:19:07,271 --> 00:19:09,572
your wrist in terror.
528
00:19:09,574 --> 00:19:12,108
Ah, this isn't
my house.
529
00:19:15,646 --> 00:19:17,146
See, if I make
under 20 grand
530
00:19:17,148 --> 00:19:18,247
for 20 years,
531
00:19:18,249 --> 00:19:19,882
my film school debt
just goes away.
532
00:19:19,884 --> 00:19:21,250
That's a government rule.
533
00:19:21,252 --> 00:19:22,818
(bell jingles)
Bonnie?
534
00:19:22,820 --> 00:19:23,953
Joe?
535
00:19:23,955 --> 00:19:25,588
How did you find me?
536
00:19:25,590 --> 00:19:28,057
Love is a powerful compass.
537
00:19:28,059 --> 00:19:31,060
Any time I quiet my mind
and clear my heart,
538
00:19:31,062 --> 00:19:32,895
it always leads me to you.
539
00:19:32,897 --> 00:19:34,830
Plus, dirtbag here has
a chip in his ear.
540
00:19:34,832 --> 00:19:36,132
I do?
Damn it.
541
00:19:36,134 --> 00:19:38,167
No wonder Peter's so good
at hide-and-seek.
542
00:19:38,169 --> 00:19:40,136
You're under the canoe
in Quagmire's yard.
543
00:19:40,138 --> 00:19:41,770
BRIAN:
Son of a bitch!
544
00:19:41,772 --> 00:19:44,306
Bonnie, I understand
now why you left.
545
00:19:44,308 --> 00:19:47,276
Over the years, I probably have
become too dependent on you,
546
00:19:47,278 --> 00:19:50,346
and I'm sorry if you've
had to put your dreams
547
00:19:50,348 --> 00:19:52,248
on hold because of me.
548
00:19:52,250 --> 00:19:54,016
Oh, Joe.
549
00:19:54,018 --> 00:19:55,784
But I'm here to
fight for you, Bonnie.
550
00:19:55,786 --> 00:19:57,786
And if you're willing
to come back home,
551
00:19:57,788 --> 00:20:01,023
I promise I'll spend the rest
of my days taking care of you,
552
00:20:01,025 --> 00:20:03,826
just the way you've
always taken care of me.
553
00:20:03,828 --> 00:20:06,095
Of course,
I want to come home, Joe.
554
00:20:06,097 --> 00:20:07,530
I love you.
555
00:20:09,333 --> 00:20:11,800
(moaning)
556
00:20:11,802 --> 00:20:14,937
Wow, I guess just
call me Cupid, huh?
557
00:20:14,939 --> 00:20:16,939
You're welcome.
558
00:20:16,941 --> 00:20:18,307
Ow! Damn it!
559
00:20:18,309 --> 00:20:20,176
(groaning)
560
00:20:20,178 --> 00:20:22,144
Hey, Bri, came to try
that apple pie
561
00:20:22,146 --> 00:20:23,279
you were texting about.
562
00:20:23,281 --> 00:20:24,513
Oh, you're shot.
563
00:20:28,386 --> 00:20:30,186
Well, Chris and I sure
learned a lot this week.
564
00:20:30,188 --> 00:20:32,154
Ha, you think you
learned a lot.
565
00:20:32,156 --> 00:20:33,322
I had quite
an adventure.
566
00:20:33,324 --> 00:20:34,323
You know what guys?
567
00:20:34,325 --> 00:20:36,125
We only got like
15 seconds left.
568
00:20:36,127 --> 00:20:37,226
We're going to have
to do these at the same time.
569
00:20:37,228 --> 00:20:38,460
Let's race.
570
00:20:38,462 --> 00:20:39,962
And... go.
571
00:20:39,964 --> 00:20:41,197
So Chris and I learned
that just 'cause people are old,
572
00:20:41,199 --> 00:20:42,798
that doesn't mean
you should steal from them.
573
00:20:42,800 --> 00:20:44,366
Bonnie didn't let you
stir the paint, did she?
574
00:20:44,368 --> 00:20:46,368
No. But I am done messing
around with neighbors' wives.
575
00:20:46,370 --> 00:20:47,870
Here's an invitation
to Donna's birthday party.
576
00:20:47,872 --> 00:20:49,338
'Cause maybe then
I'd like it.
Hey, let me see that.
577
00:20:49,340 --> 00:20:51,240
You rascal.
Same old Meg.
578
00:20:51,242 --> 00:20:53,142
And the winner is:
Nobody.
579
00:20:53,144 --> 00:20:55,411
Especially not you.
Good night.37271
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