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00:00:02,003 --> 00:00:04,503
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:04,505 --> 00:00:07,639
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:07,641 --> 00:00:11,343
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,345 --> 00:00:14,346
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:14,348 --> 00:00:17,783
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:17,785 --> 00:00:21,186
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
7
00:00:21,188 --> 00:00:22,621
♪ All the things that make us ♪
8
00:00:22,623 --> 00:00:24,623
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
9
00:00:24,625 --> 00:00:29,695
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
10
00:00:34,001 --> 00:00:36,001
TV ANNOUNCER:
We now return to Wes Anderson's
11
00:00:36,003 --> 00:00:39,104
Pan Up, Pan Down,French Song, The End.
12
00:00:42,476 --> 00:00:44,810
FRANCE GALL:
♪ Viens, suis-moi ♪
13
00:00:44,812 --> 00:00:46,645
♪ Je connais une route... ♪
14
00:00:46,647 --> 00:00:48,514
Wow, that was amazing, I think!
15
00:00:48,516 --> 00:00:50,215
All right, everyone,
16
00:00:50,217 --> 00:00:51,884
it's time to open up
our bank statements.
17
00:00:51,886 --> 00:00:54,319
Let's gather
'round for prayer.
18
00:00:54,321 --> 00:00:56,555
Hey, God, it's the Griffins.
19
00:00:56,557 --> 00:00:58,323
Again, we're very sorry
20
00:00:58,325 --> 00:00:59,725
we cyber-bullied
that girl to death.
21
00:00:59,727 --> 00:01:01,660
But we still want a snowmobile.
22
00:01:01,662 --> 00:01:03,195
Today, though,
please let there be money
23
00:01:03,197 --> 00:01:04,530
in our bank account.
24
00:01:04,532 --> 00:01:06,131
Amen.
Amen.
Amen.
Amen.
25
00:01:07,334 --> 00:01:08,667
Damn it.
It didn't work.
26
00:01:08,669 --> 00:01:10,202
We're still poor.
27
00:01:10,204 --> 00:01:12,871
Peter, every month our savings
get smaller and smaller.
28
00:01:12,873 --> 00:01:14,706
We really gotta
figure out a better way
29
00:01:14,708 --> 00:01:16,175
to budget for this
family's future.
30
00:01:16,177 --> 00:01:17,376
Bitcoin.
31
00:01:17,378 --> 00:01:18,677
What?
I don't know.
32
00:01:18,679 --> 00:01:20,045
This is serious.
33
00:01:20,047 --> 00:01:22,014
We need to think
about our kids' education.
34
00:01:22,016 --> 00:01:24,750
Of course, it's already too late
for Meg to go to college.
35
00:01:24,752 --> 00:01:27,186
And Chris is too dumb
to get in anywhere.
36
00:01:27,188 --> 00:01:28,353
Yay!
37
00:01:28,355 --> 00:01:29,688
No, Chris.
Not yay.
38
00:01:29,690 --> 00:01:31,690
But there's still
time for Stewie.
39
00:01:31,692 --> 00:01:33,859
Let's sit down later
and see if we can figure out
40
00:01:33,861 --> 00:01:35,694
a plan to get our
finances in order.
41
00:01:35,696 --> 00:01:37,062
Eh, don't worry
about it, Lois.
42
00:01:37,064 --> 00:01:38,864
I will always provide
for the family.
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00:01:38,866 --> 00:01:40,732
Even if I have to
shoot our dinner.
44
00:01:40,734 --> 00:01:42,367
(screaming)
45
00:01:42,369 --> 00:01:44,236
(gunshot)
46
00:01:44,238 --> 00:01:46,538
This will look great
in my study.
47
00:01:46,540 --> 00:01:48,273
I'm a hunter,
48
00:01:48,275 --> 00:01:50,609
but I'm a silly hunter.
49
00:01:55,249 --> 00:01:58,050
(clears throat)
50
00:01:58,052 --> 00:01:59,251
(swallows thickly)
51
00:01:59,253 --> 00:02:00,719
Hey, don't fill up on that.
52
00:02:00,721 --> 00:02:02,121
We got breakfast coming.
53
00:02:02,123 --> 00:02:04,456
Hey, Peter, I think
I figured out one way
54
00:02:04,458 --> 00:02:06,258
we can save money
for Stewie's college.
55
00:02:06,260 --> 00:02:08,961
If we bundle our cable
and Internet together,
56
00:02:08,963 --> 00:02:11,296
we can save
$14 a month.
57
00:02:11,298 --> 00:02:13,732
No! Bundling is
a sign of defeat!
58
00:02:13,734 --> 00:02:15,567
Plus, I figured out
something better.
59
00:02:15,569 --> 00:02:17,803
A metal detector.
What?
60
00:02:17,805 --> 00:02:19,938
Yeah, it combines two of
America's greatest resources:
61
00:02:19,940 --> 00:02:21,240
garbage and luck.
62
00:02:21,242 --> 00:02:22,441
That's stupid,
Peter.
63
00:02:22,443 --> 00:02:23,976
Ah, you're just
saying that
64
00:02:23,978 --> 00:02:25,777
because the battery it uses
causes bladder cancer.
65
00:02:25,779 --> 00:02:27,146
Well, then, I'm off.
66
00:02:27,148 --> 00:02:29,148
I shall be at the beach
looking for valuables
67
00:02:29,150 --> 00:02:31,083
and occasionally using
a doorless bathroom.
68
00:02:31,085 --> 00:02:32,651
Good day, madam.
69
00:02:36,323 --> 00:02:39,491
TV ANNOUNCER:
We now return to
The Awkward Stepdad Show.
70
00:02:39,493 --> 00:02:42,127
Man, your mom's
a real groaner.
71
00:02:42,129 --> 00:02:43,929
Do you hear that
in your room?
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00:02:43,931 --> 00:02:46,665
Hey, Dad,
where are you going?
73
00:02:46,667 --> 00:02:48,834
Well, Meg, now that
I'm a metal detector guy,
74
00:02:48,836 --> 00:02:51,436
I gotta start eating breakfast
at on-the-sand cafés,
75
00:02:51,438 --> 00:02:53,005
where I will
judge tourists
76
00:02:53,007 --> 00:02:55,107
as my skin browns
and hardens.
77
00:02:55,109 --> 00:02:56,842
Stop throwing your kid's diapers
78
00:02:56,844 --> 00:02:59,378
in the trash
with all the soda cans!
79
00:03:02,983 --> 00:03:05,551
Hey, Lois, check out what
I found with my metal detector.
80
00:03:07,154 --> 00:03:09,488
Are those... are
those Purple Hearts?
81
00:03:09,490 --> 00:03:11,356
Yeah, some idiot buried,
like, a hundred of 'em
82
00:03:11,358 --> 00:03:13,025
in this big lawn
under these bone cages.
83
00:03:13,027 --> 00:03:14,526
Peter!
84
00:03:14,528 --> 00:03:17,162
I think you desecrated
a military graveyard!
85
00:03:17,164 --> 00:03:18,830
Hey, guys, like four jeeps
86
00:03:18,832 --> 00:03:20,365
just drove up
onto our front yard.
87
00:03:20,367 --> 00:03:21,867
They must be here
for the medals!
88
00:03:21,869 --> 00:03:23,835
Maybe. Or it could be
because of my
89
00:03:23,837 --> 00:03:26,238
"I'm Gonna Barf
on the White House" blog.
90
00:03:29,877 --> 00:03:31,376
(metal detector beeping)
91
00:03:31,378 --> 00:03:32,711
(beeping increases)
92
00:03:32,713 --> 00:03:35,547
Ah, sweet!
93
00:03:35,549 --> 00:03:37,382
Huh.
94
00:03:37,384 --> 00:03:39,451
Wonder what happens if I turn it
on and point 'em at each other.
95
00:03:42,890 --> 00:03:44,356
Oh, my God!
96
00:03:44,358 --> 00:03:46,992
Did you also call
into a talk show
97
00:03:46,994 --> 00:03:49,695
without turning down
your radio first?
98
00:03:49,697 --> 00:03:51,697
(beeping)
99
00:03:51,699 --> 00:03:52,731
(beeping increases)
100
00:03:52,733 --> 00:03:54,566
Jackpot.
101
00:03:54,568 --> 00:03:56,168
Wow, an iPad!
102
00:03:56,170 --> 00:03:57,402
This thing finds
everything!
103
00:03:57,404 --> 00:03:59,404
(beeps)
Engagement ring!
104
00:03:59,406 --> 00:04:01,240
(beeps)
Family locket!
105
00:04:01,242 --> 00:04:03,242
(beeps)
Sunglasses that are an upgrade
106
00:04:03,244 --> 00:04:05,577
over my current pair!
MAN:
There he is!
107
00:04:05,579 --> 00:04:08,413
There's the guy who's been
stealing everyone's stuff!
108
00:04:08,415 --> 00:04:11,016
Don't yell at me,
I'm very sunburned!
109
00:04:11,018 --> 00:04:14,453
(clattering)
Go, crappy car, go!
110
00:04:17,591 --> 00:04:20,892
Peter, did you rob
a bunch of people
111
00:04:20,894 --> 00:04:22,594
on the beach
with your metal detector?
112
00:04:22,596 --> 00:04:24,229
Well, that's only
half the story.
113
00:04:24,231 --> 00:04:26,265
I also hooted at a lady
who was breastfeeding.
114
00:04:26,267 --> 00:04:28,700
I want you to get rid
of that metal detector.
115
00:04:28,702 --> 00:04:30,435
All you're doing is
getting into trouble
116
00:04:30,437 --> 00:04:32,437
and digging up junk
when we really need
117
00:04:32,439 --> 00:04:34,106
to be saving
for Stewie's college.
118
00:04:34,108 --> 00:04:35,774
Tomorrow we are
going to the mall
119
00:04:35,776 --> 00:04:37,609
and returning that
thing to the store.
120
00:04:37,611 --> 00:04:39,278
(sighs)
Okay, fine.
121
00:04:39,280 --> 00:04:41,747
But you should know, the day
I bought this metal detector
122
00:04:41,749 --> 00:04:44,116
was the happiest
day of my life.
123
00:04:44,118 --> 00:04:47,119
Well, obviously,
the second happiest.
124
00:04:47,121 --> 00:04:51,156
♪ Now we gonna do this thing
a little different tonight ♪
125
00:04:52,793 --> 00:04:57,963
♪ You gonna come over,
pick me up in your ride ♪
126
00:04:57,965 --> 00:05:00,465
Oh, my God, I wasn't even
supposed to be here.
127
00:05:00,467 --> 00:05:02,601
I passed out at the Tom Petty
concert last night
128
00:05:02,603 --> 00:05:03,935
and just stayed.
129
00:05:03,937 --> 00:05:06,638
♪ You're gonna open my door ♪
130
00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:10,142
♪ And I'm gonna reach over
and open yours ♪
131
00:05:10,144 --> 00:05:13,312
♪ Gonna pay for dinner,
take me to see a movie ♪
132
00:05:13,314 --> 00:05:16,581
♪ And whisper in my ear how bad
you really want to do me... ♪
133
00:05:16,583 --> 00:05:18,483
Please, go slow.
134
00:05:18,485 --> 00:05:20,485
I have IBS.
135
00:05:24,958 --> 00:05:26,758
Well, I'm glad
the store was willing
136
00:05:26,760 --> 00:05:28,293
to take that
metal detector back.
137
00:05:28,295 --> 00:05:29,661
All right, let's go
to the food court.
138
00:05:29,663 --> 00:05:31,496
I love eating
Panda Express
139
00:05:31,498 --> 00:05:33,632
while squeezin' our purchases
between our knees
140
00:05:33,634 --> 00:05:35,000
'cause someone
might grab 'em.
141
00:05:35,002 --> 00:05:37,135
God, the mall sucks,
doesn't it, kids?
142
00:05:37,137 --> 00:05:38,970
If I had a credit card,
I'd shop online.
143
00:05:38,972 --> 00:05:40,505
Oh, hey, Bonnie.
144
00:05:40,507 --> 00:05:41,940
What are you guys
doing here?
145
00:05:41,942 --> 00:05:43,275
Oh, hey, Lois.
146
00:05:43,277 --> 00:05:45,277
We saw an ad
looking for a toddler
147
00:05:45,279 --> 00:05:47,012
to appear in a peanut
butter commercial
148
00:05:47,014 --> 00:05:49,348
and we thought
we'd bring Susie.
149
00:05:49,350 --> 00:05:52,017
Joe, are you wearing
a corsage?
Yeah.
150
00:05:52,019 --> 00:05:54,119
You can get a really good deal
on them after prom season.
151
00:05:54,121 --> 00:05:55,320
They're for girls, Joe.
152
00:05:55,322 --> 00:05:56,855
Hey, Peter,
153
00:05:56,857 --> 00:05:59,825
why don't you let me do me,
and you do you, okay?
154
00:05:59,827 --> 00:06:01,526
Peanut butter commercial, huh?
155
00:06:01,528 --> 00:06:03,195
Hey, Bri, maybe
you should audition.
156
00:06:03,197 --> 00:06:05,364
You know, because of that
one time you got in the trash
157
00:06:05,366 --> 00:06:07,366
and ate a whole jar of
recalled peanut butter?
158
00:06:07,368 --> 00:06:09,034
It wasn't peanut butter.
159
00:06:09,036 --> 00:06:10,836
It was that pre-mixed peanut
butter and jelly thing.
160
00:06:10,838 --> 00:06:12,371
Oh, Mom bought that?
161
00:06:12,373 --> 00:06:15,040
That's what the scab kid
at school always has!
162
00:06:15,042 --> 00:06:16,842
That was really great, Jake.
163
00:06:16,844 --> 00:06:18,043
Really, really great.
164
00:06:18,045 --> 00:06:19,811
Your face is upside-down,
165
00:06:19,813 --> 00:06:22,013
so we're not gonna pick you,
but thanks for coming.
166
00:06:22,015 --> 00:06:23,682
Hey. Hey.
This is you.
167
00:06:23,684 --> 00:06:24,883
"I'm Brian.
168
00:06:24,885 --> 00:06:26,685
"I like garbage
peanut butter,
169
00:06:26,687 --> 00:06:29,554
and I wear my 'I Voted' sticker
for a week and a half."
170
00:06:29,556 --> 00:06:30,822
Num-num-num-num-num-
num-num-num-num!
171
00:06:30,824 --> 00:06:32,057
(laughs)
172
00:06:32,059 --> 00:06:33,558
I'm sorry, we're looking for
173
00:06:33,560 --> 00:06:34,993
more of a
"Num-num-num-num-num-num-num."
174
00:06:34,995 --> 00:06:37,562
Bob, look over there!
175
00:06:37,564 --> 00:06:39,965
Num-num-num-num-num-num-num-num-
num-num-num-num-num!
176
00:06:41,402 --> 00:06:42,701
Whose kid is that?
177
00:06:42,703 --> 00:06:44,536
Oh, that's our son, Stewie.
178
00:06:44,538 --> 00:06:46,004
He's adorable!
179
00:06:46,006 --> 00:06:47,906
And exactly what
we're looking for!
180
00:06:47,908 --> 00:06:51,676
Congratulations, your son
is the new peanut butter kid!
181
00:06:51,678 --> 00:06:53,678
My God, I don't believe it!
182
00:06:53,680 --> 00:06:55,247
That's so cool!
183
00:06:55,249 --> 00:06:57,349
Hey, what's Dad doing
over there with Chris?
184
00:06:57,351 --> 00:07:00,252
Oh, he's telling him that he's
no longer his favorite son.
185
00:07:00,254 --> 00:07:02,287
(no audio)
186
00:07:03,590 --> 00:07:05,257
No!
187
00:07:05,259 --> 00:07:08,093
(sobbing):
No, Daddy!
188
00:07:08,095 --> 00:07:11,430
Daddy!
189
00:07:11,432 --> 00:07:13,398
Daddy...
190
00:07:13,400 --> 00:07:15,467
(grunting)
191
00:07:20,407 --> 00:07:22,407
I didn't even tell him.
192
00:07:22,409 --> 00:07:24,309
He just does not
like to be touched.
193
00:07:31,118 --> 00:07:32,918
Thanks for coming
to the viewing party
194
00:07:32,920 --> 00:07:35,053
for Stewie's commercial,
everybody.
195
00:07:35,055 --> 00:07:37,923
We're sorry that it's airing
during 2 Broke Girls,
196
00:07:37,925 --> 00:07:39,791
but we have no
control over that.
197
00:07:39,793 --> 00:07:41,893
Thanks for coming to
my big night, Brian.
198
00:07:41,895 --> 00:07:44,796
I see you got all dressed up
in your exposed wiener.
199
00:07:44,798 --> 00:07:46,965
Quiet, everybody!
Here it comes!
200
00:07:46,967 --> 00:07:48,967
(upbeat music plays)
201
00:07:48,969 --> 00:07:51,002
Welcome home, honey!
202
00:07:51,939 --> 00:07:53,472
There's my family!
203
00:07:53,474 --> 00:07:55,574
H-Hey, wait,
where's the baby?
204
00:07:55,576 --> 00:07:58,109
Well, he likes
his hero dad,
205
00:07:58,111 --> 00:08:00,645
but he loves
Scooter's Peanut Butter.
206
00:08:00,647 --> 00:08:04,282
Num-num-num-num-num-num-num-num-
num-num-num-num-num-num-num!
207
00:08:04,284 --> 00:08:05,817
ANNOUNCER:
Scooter's Peanut Butter.
208
00:08:05,819 --> 00:08:07,752
So good, your babywill want to eat it
209
00:08:07,754 --> 00:08:09,821
in an airport terminalbathroom.
210
00:08:09,823 --> 00:08:11,289
(cheering, excited chattering)
211
00:08:11,291 --> 00:08:13,592
(laughs): He's a baby
who did a baby thing.
212
00:08:13,594 --> 00:08:15,160
Let's all calm down
a little.
213
00:08:15,162 --> 00:08:17,496
Wow, I can't believe
Stewie's a commercial star.
214
00:08:17,498 --> 00:08:19,431
We haven't had a
celebrity in the family
215
00:08:19,433 --> 00:08:21,933
since my great-aunt,
Queen of Burlesque Griffin.
216
00:08:21,935 --> 00:08:23,168
("The Stripper"
by David Rose plays)
217
00:08:23,170 --> 00:08:24,769
♪ Cheesy jokes ♪
218
00:08:24,771 --> 00:08:27,606
♪ And ugly broads ♪
219
00:08:27,608 --> 00:08:29,508
♪ Way back when ♪
220
00:08:29,510 --> 00:08:31,843
♪ They had no porn ♪
221
00:08:31,845 --> 00:08:33,345
♪ Just scarves ♪
222
00:08:33,347 --> 00:08:34,779
♪ Fans ♪
223
00:08:34,781 --> 00:08:36,114
♪ Fat ♪
224
00:08:36,116 --> 00:08:37,349
♪ Gross ♪
225
00:08:37,351 --> 00:08:39,784
♪ A terrible time ♪
226
00:08:39,786 --> 00:08:42,587
♪ For your penis to live in. ♪
227
00:08:46,860 --> 00:08:49,694
Bill. Bill. Bill.
228
00:08:49,696 --> 00:08:52,330
Weird magazine about
our town that's just ads.
229
00:08:52,332 --> 00:08:54,533
Hmm, this one's for Stewie.
230
00:08:54,535 --> 00:08:57,202
Whoa, a check for $2,000?
231
00:08:57,204 --> 00:08:58,870
Let me see that.
232
00:08:58,872 --> 00:09:01,706
It's a royalty check
from Stewie's commercial.
233
00:09:01,708 --> 00:09:04,142
Apparently, he gets paid
every time it airs.
234
00:09:04,144 --> 00:09:05,710
This is great.
235
00:09:05,712 --> 00:09:08,046
We can put it right into
Stewie's college fund.
236
00:09:08,048 --> 00:09:10,015
Yeah, yeah,
but, you know,
237
00:09:10,017 --> 00:09:11,883
maybe we should keep
a little bit out to celebrate.
238
00:09:11,885 --> 00:09:13,685
I mean, I ain't
done nothin' fancy
239
00:09:13,687 --> 00:09:15,687
since I bought
those rich guy socks.
240
00:09:15,689 --> 00:09:17,355
Ah, there.
241
00:09:17,357 --> 00:09:20,559
I'm ready to get caught
cheating with my secretary.
242
00:09:20,561 --> 00:09:23,128
♪ ♪
243
00:09:25,832 --> 00:09:27,399
Welcome, folks.
244
00:09:27,401 --> 00:09:29,401
Would you like flat
or sparkling water to start?
245
00:09:29,403 --> 00:09:30,702
Garden hose
will be fine.
246
00:09:30,704 --> 00:09:33,038
We prefer it to be hot
and then metal-y.
247
00:09:33,040 --> 00:09:34,506
Actually, Peter,
248
00:09:34,508 --> 00:09:36,408
let's go for the
sparkling water.
249
00:09:36,410 --> 00:09:37,909
I mean, we are
celebrating
250
00:09:37,911 --> 00:09:40,579
our little commercial
star and his big payday.
251
00:09:40,581 --> 00:09:42,847
Oh, I don't care
about that, ma'am.
252
00:09:42,849 --> 00:09:44,516
You know, this is
a nice dinner and all,
253
00:09:44,518 --> 00:09:46,351
but I thought you guys
were going to save
254
00:09:46,353 --> 00:09:48,353
this commercial money
for Stewie's college fund.
255
00:09:48,355 --> 00:09:50,522
We are saving it, Brian.
256
00:09:50,524 --> 00:09:52,257
This is just
a little celebration.
257
00:09:52,259 --> 00:09:54,392
The rest of it is going
right in the bank.
258
00:09:54,394 --> 00:09:55,927
Yeah, and besides,
it's been a while
259
00:09:55,929 --> 00:09:57,862
since we ate at a place
where if you ask for ketchup,
260
00:09:57,864 --> 00:09:59,097
they look at you
like you're dirt.
261
00:09:59,099 --> 00:10:00,765
You know, Stewie
actually got a call
262
00:10:00,767 --> 00:10:02,233
for another
commercial tomorrow.
263
00:10:02,235 --> 00:10:03,935
Who knows?
264
00:10:03,937 --> 00:10:06,104
This could be the beginning
of a nice career for him.
265
00:10:06,106 --> 00:10:07,606
You sure about this, Lois?
266
00:10:07,608 --> 00:10:09,441
I mean... I mean,
the world of child acting
267
00:10:09,443 --> 00:10:11,376
can be a pretty bad
environment for a kid.
268
00:10:11,378 --> 00:10:13,378
Maybe we should just
let Stewie's childhood
269
00:10:13,380 --> 00:10:14,779
be about being a child.
270
00:10:14,781 --> 00:10:16,781
Wasn't your kid an actor,
you jagoff?
271
00:10:16,783 --> 00:10:18,550
Didn't your father
hate your guts and die?
272
00:10:18,552 --> 00:10:19,784
Whoa!
273
00:10:19,786 --> 00:10:21,286
Bring a gun to a knife fight.
274
00:10:21,288 --> 00:10:22,721
Look, I-I'm sorry,
I'm sorry.
275
00:10:22,723 --> 00:10:24,255
All I'm saying is,
276
00:10:24,257 --> 00:10:26,124
just try to keep Stewie's
best interests in mind.
277
00:10:26,126 --> 00:10:27,559
Relax, Brian.
278
00:10:27,561 --> 00:10:29,060
Stewie's fine.
I mean, look at him.
279
00:10:29,062 --> 00:10:31,129
He's happier than
a sunny-side-up egg.
280
00:10:31,131 --> 00:10:33,131
What a great way
to start the day.
281
00:10:33,133 --> 00:10:35,967
What a pan, what a grill.
282
00:10:35,969 --> 00:10:37,802
Oh, no, I'm at Denny's.
283
00:10:37,804 --> 00:10:40,271
MAN: Hey, I'm a drug addict
and it's midnight--
284
00:10:40,273 --> 00:10:41,640
where's my breakfast?!
285
00:10:41,642 --> 00:10:43,475
Help, he's only
gonna eat the toast
286
00:10:43,477 --> 00:10:45,543
and put a cigarette out on me.
287
00:10:48,982 --> 00:10:51,416
Okay, Stewie, you booked
the last commercial
288
00:10:51,418 --> 00:10:54,252
without even trying, so this
one should be a piece of cake.
289
00:10:54,254 --> 00:10:56,454
(low chatter)
290
00:10:56,456 --> 00:10:59,824
Oh, I guess there are other
people auditioning, too.
291
00:10:59,826 --> 00:11:03,294
Oh, is your child up for the
cough syrup commercial, too?
292
00:11:03,296 --> 00:11:05,296
You'd have no way
of knowing this,
293
00:11:05,298 --> 00:11:07,298
but the moms tend
to dress up.
294
00:11:07,300 --> 00:11:09,300
Oh, thank you.
295
00:11:09,302 --> 00:11:11,136
And you'd have
no way of knowing
296
00:11:11,138 --> 00:11:12,971
that my son is the
Scooter's Peanut Butter Kid.
297
00:11:12,973 --> 00:11:14,973
(chuckles):
That's cute.
298
00:11:14,975 --> 00:11:18,343
My son had a gun waved in
his face in a Dexter episode.
299
00:11:18,345 --> 00:11:20,812
Are you guys talking
about your kids?
300
00:11:20,814 --> 00:11:23,581
My daughter is the
American Apparel slut baby.
301
00:11:24,785 --> 00:11:28,486
My son got crapped on
in the last Jackass movie.
302
00:11:28,488 --> 00:11:31,489
God, everyone here
is so talented.
303
00:11:31,491 --> 00:11:33,858
Hi, everybody, we're
a little crunched for time,
304
00:11:33,860 --> 00:11:35,694
so we're gonna have
to audition people
305
00:11:35,696 --> 00:11:37,028
right here in the hallway.
306
00:11:37,030 --> 00:11:38,496
You, do something
exceptional.
307
00:11:38,498 --> 00:11:40,432
Uh, okay.
308
00:11:44,838 --> 00:11:45,837
(cracking)
309
00:11:45,839 --> 00:11:47,672
Ow! Ow.
310
00:11:47,674 --> 00:11:49,040
Oh, my grundle.
311
00:11:49,042 --> 00:11:50,041
It's bruised.
312
00:11:50,043 --> 00:11:51,509
It's bruised bad.
313
00:11:51,511 --> 00:11:53,344
Oh, okay, I'm out, I'm out.
314
00:11:53,346 --> 00:11:54,713
Tappin' out.
315
00:11:54,715 --> 00:11:57,182
Well, that was
a disaster.
316
00:11:57,184 --> 00:11:59,184
It was humiliating
is what it was.
317
00:11:59,186 --> 00:12:00,552
That woman just smiled
318
00:12:00,554 --> 00:12:02,554
when Stewie banged
his balls on the floor.
319
00:12:02,556 --> 00:12:04,556
A damn disaster.
320
00:12:04,558 --> 00:12:06,558
Num-num-num-num-num-
num-num-num-num?
321
00:12:06,560 --> 00:12:08,359
Shut up,
that's over!
322
00:12:08,361 --> 00:12:09,561
Did you see those other kids?
323
00:12:09,563 --> 00:12:10,729
They were amazing.
324
00:12:10,731 --> 00:12:12,197
One of them was texting
325
00:12:12,199 --> 00:12:14,032
with the funny-dumb kid
from Modern Family.
326
00:12:14,034 --> 00:12:15,567
I want to text with that kid.
327
00:12:15,569 --> 00:12:17,402
Holy Christmas, there were
a lot of hot moms
328
00:12:17,404 --> 00:12:19,070
in yoga pants in there, though.
329
00:12:19,072 --> 00:12:21,906
Dear me, they're really
disappointed in me, Rupert.
330
00:12:21,908 --> 00:12:23,742
I haven't seen
the fat man this upset
331
00:12:23,744 --> 00:12:25,677
since he went
to the 9/11 museum.
332
00:12:25,679 --> 00:12:27,679
Lois made us do this,
333
00:12:27,681 --> 00:12:30,749
but I wanted to go to the
Central Park merry-go-round.
334
00:12:30,751 --> 00:12:33,151
We had time to do both!
335
00:12:35,522 --> 00:12:37,555
(piano plays
Bent Fabric's "Alley Cat")
336
00:12:37,557 --> 00:12:40,158
What the hell?
337
00:12:42,028 --> 00:12:44,095
♪ ♪
338
00:12:50,704 --> 00:12:52,437
(song ends)
339
00:12:52,439 --> 00:12:54,439
Okay, that's great, that's
great, that's great.
340
00:12:54,441 --> 00:12:56,274
Just one question,
Stewie--
341
00:12:56,276 --> 00:12:58,710
do you get pleasure out of
humiliating your family?
342
00:12:58,712 --> 00:13:01,112
Yeah, is there some kind
of sick joy in it?
343
00:13:01,114 --> 00:13:02,947
Why can't he just
be Pierce Brosnan?
344
00:13:02,949 --> 00:13:04,215
Pierce Brosnan
would've got this.
345
00:13:04,217 --> 00:13:05,250
In a heartbeat!
346
00:13:05,252 --> 00:13:06,551
It's 3:00
in the morning.
347
00:13:06,553 --> 00:13:07,952
What the hell
are you guys doing?
348
00:13:07,954 --> 00:13:10,054
What does it look like?
We're practicing.
349
00:13:10,056 --> 00:13:11,790
Stewie has another
audition tomorrow,
350
00:13:11,792 --> 00:13:13,725
and we're not gonna be
embarrassed like we were today.
351
00:13:13,727 --> 00:13:16,127
See, this is the kind
of thing I was talking about.
352
00:13:16,129 --> 00:13:17,896
And look at him,
he can barely stand up.
353
00:13:17,898 --> 00:13:20,799
That's why I made this--
I call it "8 Hour Energy."
354
00:13:20,801 --> 00:13:23,434
It's one part 5-Hour Energy,
and the other three hours are
355
00:13:23,436 --> 00:13:25,069
espresso, Scotts
Turf Builder,
356
00:13:25,071 --> 00:13:28,072
and a tiny, tiny super-small
amount of cocaine.
357
00:13:28,074 --> 00:13:29,474
Just a little bit.
358
00:13:29,476 --> 00:13:31,943
I can't stress the
littleness of it enough.
359
00:13:31,945 --> 00:13:33,778
(gulps)
360
00:13:33,780 --> 00:13:36,147
Whoa, mama,
there's a kick like a mule!
361
00:13:36,149 --> 00:13:39,150
♪ Who will buy
this wonderful morning ♪
362
00:13:39,152 --> 00:13:41,619
♪ Such a sky
you never did see. ♪
363
00:13:41,621 --> 00:13:43,454
There he is,
there's the magic.
364
00:13:43,456 --> 00:13:44,823
Peter, you're giving
your baby drugs
365
00:13:44,825 --> 00:13:46,291
to improve
his acting career?
366
00:13:46,293 --> 00:13:47,659
Oh, he's fine
with it.
367
00:13:47,661 --> 00:13:48,660
Stewie, if you're
fine with it,
368
00:13:48,662 --> 00:13:51,129
bleed from the nose.
369
00:13:51,131 --> 00:13:53,064
I think that's
pretty close.
370
00:14:03,310 --> 00:14:05,677
All right, Stewie, now remember
what we practiced last night.
371
00:14:05,679 --> 00:14:07,679
And here's a trick
to keep that confidence up.
372
00:14:07,681 --> 00:14:09,147
You go in that room
373
00:14:09,149 --> 00:14:11,516
and imagine everyone in it
wants you sexually.
374
00:14:11,518 --> 00:14:14,485
I'm doing it right now,
and I feel powerful.
375
00:14:14,487 --> 00:14:15,987
Okay.
376
00:14:15,989 --> 00:14:17,989
And don't forget--
if you screw this up,
377
00:14:17,991 --> 00:14:20,825
Mommy's gonna kill
all of your toys.
Okay.
378
00:14:20,827 --> 00:14:23,328
All right, now I'm gonna go
psych out these other kids.
379
00:14:23,330 --> 00:14:24,696
Hey, little guy.
380
00:14:24,698 --> 00:14:25,697
Nervous?
381
00:14:25,699 --> 00:14:27,165
Sure you are.
382
00:14:27,167 --> 00:14:28,533
Here's something
that might help you.
383
00:14:28,535 --> 00:14:30,535
(air horn blares)
384
00:14:30,537 --> 00:14:32,203
Hey, little guy.
385
00:14:32,205 --> 00:14:33,471
Stewie Griffin?
386
00:14:33,473 --> 00:14:34,672
Oh, right here.
387
00:14:34,674 --> 00:14:36,040
Peter, he
needs a boost.
388
00:14:36,042 --> 00:14:37,876
Give him some of
the acting soup.
389
00:14:39,212 --> 00:14:40,211
(gulps)
390
00:14:40,213 --> 00:14:42,714
I want to say curse words!
391
00:14:44,718 --> 00:14:47,185
Okay, Stewie, you're just
gonna drink this juice,
392
00:14:47,187 --> 00:14:50,021
then say, "Mmm,"
and rub your belly.
393
00:14:50,023 --> 00:14:51,055
Yeah, yeah,
you got it.
394
00:14:51,057 --> 00:14:52,891
(gulps)
395
00:14:52,893 --> 00:14:54,225
Yeah! Bye, juice!
396
00:14:54,227 --> 00:14:55,693
That was amazing.
397
00:14:55,695 --> 00:14:57,061
I've got goose bumps.
398
00:14:57,063 --> 00:14:58,696
I want him
sexually.
399
00:14:58,698 --> 00:15:01,232
Well, Mom, Dad,
400
00:15:01,234 --> 00:15:03,534
I think we've got our
new orange juice boy.
401
00:15:03,536 --> 00:15:05,536
Does this guy really
think we're his parents?
402
00:15:05,538 --> 00:15:06,905
Stewie got the part?!
403
00:15:06,907 --> 00:15:08,373
Yes!
404
00:15:08,375 --> 00:15:11,442
That is how
you do it!
405
00:15:16,716 --> 00:15:18,349
Oh, hey, Brian.
What's going on?
406
00:15:18,351 --> 00:15:19,350
Where's the fridge?
407
00:15:19,352 --> 00:15:20,718
Oh, we got a new one.
408
00:15:20,720 --> 00:15:22,553
Stewie booked that
orange juice commercial,
409
00:15:22,555 --> 00:15:24,923
so we thought we'd make a few
upgrades around the house.
410
00:15:24,925 --> 00:15:27,926
Yeah, I even bought an awesome
voice-activated 3-D printer.
411
00:15:27,928 --> 00:15:29,894
Why the hell do you
need a 3-D printer?
412
00:15:29,896 --> 00:15:31,262
Print coyote.
413
00:15:31,264 --> 00:15:33,331
(whirring)
414
00:15:35,268 --> 00:15:36,734
(coyote growls)
415
00:15:36,736 --> 00:15:38,102
CHRIS:
Hey, what, hey, no, no, no!
416
00:15:38,104 --> 00:15:40,104
Heel, heel, heel!
417
00:15:40,106 --> 00:15:41,372
I can't make him
attack you, Brian,
418
00:15:41,374 --> 00:15:42,540
but if I keep
printing them,
419
00:15:42,542 --> 00:15:44,108
eventually one will
go after you.
420
00:15:44,110 --> 00:15:45,944
That money is supposed to
be for Stewie's college.
421
00:15:45,946 --> 00:15:48,780
He's an actor, you idiot--
he doesn't need college.
422
00:15:48,782 --> 00:15:51,616
Look, I-I just don't think any
of this is good for Stewie.
423
00:15:51,618 --> 00:15:53,051
It's great for Stewie.
424
00:15:53,053 --> 00:15:54,252
He's becoming a star.
425
00:15:54,254 --> 00:15:56,254
That's right.
426
00:15:56,256 --> 00:15:59,157
Man, this must be what it's like
to be Anne Hathaway's parents.
427
00:16:00,627 --> 00:16:02,460
Oh, that's Anne's car.
428
00:16:02,462 --> 00:16:03,328
Ugh.
429
00:16:06,967 --> 00:16:08,466
Hey, Stewie, can
I talk to you?
430
00:16:08,468 --> 00:16:09,968
What are you doing?
431
00:16:09,970 --> 00:16:11,636
I don't know.
432
00:16:11,638 --> 00:16:14,973
Mom and Dad just, uh, stuck
a book on my head and-and left.
433
00:16:14,975 --> 00:16:16,975
Stewie, look at you,
you're a wreck.
434
00:16:16,977 --> 00:16:19,410
And for what? So Peter and Lois
can spend the money you earned
435
00:16:19,412 --> 00:16:20,812
on crap they
don't even need?
436
00:16:20,814 --> 00:16:23,247
Uh, I'm not supposed
to use my voice
437
00:16:23,249 --> 00:16:25,083
for non-paying
stuff, Brian.
438
00:16:25,085 --> 00:16:26,918
This is insane--
you've got to stop.
439
00:16:26,920 --> 00:16:29,754
Ugh, stop worrying,
I'm fine.
440
00:16:29,756 --> 00:16:32,090
And besides, the fat man
knows what he's doing.
441
00:16:32,092 --> 00:16:33,591
No, he doesn't,
he's an idiot.
442
00:16:33,593 --> 00:16:34,993
Remember? He couldn't
even figure out
443
00:16:34,995 --> 00:16:36,995
how to use a hotel
business center.
444
00:16:36,997 --> 00:16:39,831
So, what business
are you in?
445
00:16:39,833 --> 00:16:41,833
Oh, I'm just here to look
at other people's e-mails
446
00:16:41,835 --> 00:16:44,302
who haven't logged out.
And how's business?
447
00:16:44,304 --> 00:16:47,305
Well, I've left some pretty wild
replies on a bunch of Evites.
448
00:16:47,307 --> 00:16:50,308
Look at this-- I'm
bringing 53 guests.
449
00:16:50,310 --> 00:16:53,911
You're the coolest guy I've ever
met in one of these things.
450
00:16:59,019 --> 00:17:00,451
Oh, hey.
451
00:17:00,453 --> 00:17:02,286
You caught me
pigging out.
452
00:17:02,288 --> 00:17:04,288
I'm dipping this celery
stalk into some lemon water.
453
00:17:04,290 --> 00:17:06,124
But don't freak out.
454
00:17:06,126 --> 00:17:08,126
I'm just gonna smell it and
then throw it in the trash.
455
00:17:08,128 --> 00:17:09,961
Stewie, this has
gotten out of control.
456
00:17:09,963 --> 00:17:11,796
If you're gonna
continue on this path,
457
00:17:11,798 --> 00:17:13,631
you need to know
what your future holds.
458
00:17:13,633 --> 00:17:16,034
Being a child actor
almost never ends well.
459
00:17:16,036 --> 00:17:17,869
You remember that kid
from A Christmas Story
460
00:17:17,871 --> 00:17:19,303
who got his tongue
stuck to that pole?
461
00:17:19,305 --> 00:17:20,705
Yeah, whatever
happened to him?
462
00:17:20,707 --> 00:17:22,140
I'll tell you
what happened to him.
463
00:17:22,142 --> 00:17:23,541
He did porn.
464
00:17:23,543 --> 00:17:25,376
Boner from Growing Pains? Dead.
465
00:17:25,378 --> 00:17:27,378
Screech from
Saved by the Bell? Porn.
466
00:17:27,380 --> 00:17:28,813
Corey Haim? Dead.
467
00:17:28,815 --> 00:17:31,149
Dana Plato? Porn, then dead.
468
00:17:31,151 --> 00:17:32,884
Oh, no, this is horrible.
469
00:17:32,886 --> 00:17:35,353
You see, Stewie, there are
tons of actors like this.
470
00:17:35,355 --> 00:17:37,355
They all started out
just like you,
471
00:17:37,357 --> 00:17:38,723
but eventually
they were destroyed
472
00:17:38,725 --> 00:17:40,558
by their parents'
greed, drugs
473
00:17:40,560 --> 00:17:42,026
or perverted
Hollywood directors.
474
00:17:42,028 --> 00:17:43,394
Oh, like Bryan Singer.
475
00:17:43,396 --> 00:17:46,230
Exactly. The point is
it's a dark path.
476
00:17:46,232 --> 00:17:48,699
My God, I had no idea
it could be so bad.
477
00:17:48,701 --> 00:17:50,535
Brian, I don't want
to act anymore.
478
00:17:50,537 --> 00:17:53,538
Good. Now we just got to make
Peter and Lois understand.
479
00:17:53,540 --> 00:17:55,540
Yes, well, if they want
to make me into a monster
480
00:17:55,542 --> 00:17:58,376
like those people, we'll
give 'em a monster.
481
00:17:58,378 --> 00:18:00,578
Like when Godzilla
attacked Haiti.
482
00:18:00,580 --> 00:18:02,246
(flames crackling)
483
00:18:02,248 --> 00:18:04,715
(roars)
484
00:18:04,717 --> 00:18:06,784
Oh, my God.
485
00:18:17,430 --> 00:18:19,430
Peter, did you
get my text?
486
00:18:19,432 --> 00:18:21,866
No, hold on.
487
00:18:21,868 --> 00:18:23,868
No, I don't know
what he's doing here.
488
00:18:23,870 --> 00:18:26,270
Okay, Stewie, when Barbara
hands you that orange juice,
489
00:18:26,272 --> 00:18:28,106
you're gonna drink it
and smile.
490
00:18:28,108 --> 00:18:30,541
And really show us that
energy from your audition.
491
00:18:30,543 --> 00:18:32,543
H-Hold on a second,
he's got a smudge on his face.
492
00:18:32,545 --> 00:18:34,078
Let me just take care
of that for you guys.
493
00:18:34,080 --> 00:18:35,446
Here, drink this.
494
00:18:35,448 --> 00:18:36,914
I threw a little Molly
in there, too,
495
00:18:36,916 --> 00:18:38,349
so we'll go out
clubbing afterwards.
496
00:18:42,956 --> 00:18:44,422
Hey, you want this?
497
00:18:44,424 --> 00:18:45,790
Sure, I'll
drink anything.
498
00:18:45,792 --> 00:18:47,458
All right, action!
499
00:18:47,460 --> 00:18:50,795
As a mom, I want my kids
to start their day right.
500
00:18:50,797 --> 00:18:52,897
And there's no better way
than with a glass
501
00:18:52,899 --> 00:18:55,299
of fresh-squeezed
Sunnydale Orange Juice.
502
00:18:55,301 --> 00:18:56,734
Isn't that right,
sweetie?
503
00:18:56,736 --> 00:18:58,569
Shut your hole, bitch!
504
00:18:58,571 --> 00:19:00,571
I'll tell you what I want
fresh-squeezed-- these.
505
00:19:00,573 --> 00:19:01,973
(shrieks)
506
00:19:01,975 --> 00:19:03,274
What the hell's
he doing?
507
00:19:03,276 --> 00:19:04,809
He's blowing this.
508
00:19:04,811 --> 00:19:08,279
Oh, here's what I think
of this orange juice.
509
00:19:08,281 --> 00:19:11,282
(grunting)
510
00:19:11,284 --> 00:19:14,285
I-I can't... I can't go right
now with everybody watching.
511
00:19:14,287 --> 00:19:17,989
But-but I presume you understand
the disrespect I intended.
512
00:19:17,991 --> 00:19:19,991
Oh, my God, he's
having a meltdown.
513
00:19:19,993 --> 00:19:21,425
You don't suppose this
has anything to do
514
00:19:21,427 --> 00:19:23,427
with the sleep deprivation
and narcotics?
515
00:19:23,429 --> 00:19:26,264
Oh, Peter, what have
we been thinking?
516
00:19:26,266 --> 00:19:29,267
It's us-- we're the ones
who turned him into this.
517
00:19:29,269 --> 00:19:31,569
Get this kid out of here!
He's fired.
518
00:19:32,472 --> 00:19:33,971
Well done.
519
00:19:33,973 --> 00:19:35,339
Not a bad performance.
520
00:19:35,341 --> 00:19:36,807
Thank you, Brian, I...
521
00:19:36,809 --> 00:19:37,808
Uh, there's the poop.
522
00:19:37,810 --> 00:19:38,809
Right now.
523
00:19:38,811 --> 00:19:40,178
Oh, Stewie.
524
00:19:40,180 --> 00:19:42,180
Mommy and Daddy are so sorry.
525
00:19:42,182 --> 00:19:45,016
I-I guess we just got
too caught up in your success
526
00:19:45,018 --> 00:19:47,018
and forgot that you're
just a baby.
527
00:19:47,020 --> 00:19:48,486
You were
right, Brian.
528
00:19:48,488 --> 00:19:50,855
I guess we pushed Stewie
a little too hard.
529
00:19:50,857 --> 00:19:52,857
Well, the good news is
that now he can go back
530
00:19:52,859 --> 00:19:54,859
to being a regular kid.
531
00:19:54,861 --> 00:19:56,861
♪ ♪
532
00:19:56,863 --> 00:19:58,863
Why are you winking at
our baby, you creep?
533
00:19:58,865 --> 00:20:00,698
God, that's weird.
534
00:20:00,700 --> 00:20:02,600
I don't want to ever
see that happen again.
535
00:20:06,673 --> 00:20:09,640
Well, we went a little crazy
there, didn't we, Peter?
536
00:20:09,642 --> 00:20:11,042
But I'm glad we have
537
00:20:11,044 --> 00:20:13,844
our normal, very average,
non-famous baby back.
538
00:20:13,846 --> 00:20:15,680
You know, I was once
a very famous baby.
539
00:20:15,682 --> 00:20:17,315
Were you, Peter?
540
00:20:17,317 --> 00:20:19,517
No, but you see how easy
it is for me to lie to you?
541
00:20:19,519 --> 00:20:21,219
I do it every day.
542
00:20:21,221 --> 00:20:23,654
Anyway, looks like everything
worked out for the best.
543
00:20:23,656 --> 00:20:25,656
You know, Brian, that acting
stuff was a bit much for me,
544
00:20:25,658 --> 00:20:28,226
but I did quite enjoy
the dancing and the cocaine.
545
00:20:28,228 --> 00:20:30,061
Yeah?
Yep.
546
00:20:30,063 --> 00:20:31,896
So you're just gonna be a
dancer and a drug addict?
547
00:20:31,898 --> 00:20:34,365
For a while. I might
crash when I'm 18,
548
00:20:34,367 --> 00:20:36,734
but then I'll just turn
to the Lord and working out.
549
00:20:36,736 --> 00:20:41,339
I'll-I'll just be a 180-degree
different type of insufferable.
550
00:20:41,341 --> 00:20:43,341
I used to need drugs
to feel powerful,
551
00:20:43,343 --> 00:20:45,743
but now my power comes
from my core strength.
552
00:20:45,745 --> 00:20:47,578
And let's look at that
word, "strength."
553
00:20:47,580 --> 00:20:49,580
The "S" stands
for sacrifice.
554
00:20:49,582 --> 00:20:51,382
No gain without
sacrifice.
555
00:20:51,384 --> 00:20:54,051
The "T," of course, stands for
the sufferings of the cross.
556
00:20:54,053 --> 00:20:55,853
The "R"...
You want some cocaine?
557
00:20:55,855 --> 00:20:58,422
Oh, my God, please, yes!
That's all I want all the time!38150
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