Original subtitles

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to Wes Anderson's

Pan Up, Pan Down, French Song, The End.

FRANCE GALL: ♪ Viens, suis-moi ♪

♪ Je connais une route... ♪

Wow, that was amazing, I think!

All right, everyone,

it's time to open up our bank statements.

Let's gather 'round for prayer.

Hey, God, it's the Griffins.

Again, we're very sorry

we cyber-bullied that girl to death.

But we still want a snowmobile.

Today, though, please let there be money

in our bank account.

Amen. Amen. Amen. Amen.

Damn it. It didn't work.

We're still poor.

Peter, every month our savings get smaller and smaller.

We really gotta figure out a better way

to budget for this family's future.

Bitcoin.

What? I don't know.

This is serious.

We need to think about our kids' education.

Of course, it's already too late for Meg to go to college.

And Chris is too dumb to get in anywhere.

Yay!

No, Chris. Not yay.

But there's still time for Stewie.

Let's sit down later and see if we can figure out

a plan to get our finances in order.

Eh, don't worry about it, Lois.

I will always provide for the family.

Even if I have to shoot our dinner.

(screaming)

(gunshot)

This will look great in my study.

I'm a hunter,

but I'm a silly hunter.

(clears throat)

(swallows thickly)

Hey, don't fill up on that.

We got breakfast coming.

Hey, Peter, I think I figured out one way

we can save money for Stewie's college.

If we bundle our cable and Internet together,

we can save $14 a month.

No! Bundling is a sign of defeat!

Plus, I figured out something better.

A metal detector. What?

Yeah, it combines two of America's greatest resources:

garbage and luck.

That's stupid, Peter.

Ah, you're just saying that

because the battery it uses causes bladder cancer.

Well, then, I'm off.

I shall be at the beach looking for valuables

and occasionally using a doorless bathroom.

Good day, madam.

TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to The Awkward Stepdad Show.

Man, your mom's a real groaner.

Do you hear that in your room?

Hey, Dad, where are you going?

Well, Meg, now that I'm a metal detector guy,

I gotta start eating breakfast at on-the-sand cafés,

where I will judge tourists

as my skin browns and hardens.

Stop throwing your kid's diapers

in the trash with all the soda cans!

Hey, Lois, check out what I found with my metal detector.

Are those... are those Purple Hearts?

Yeah, some idiot buried, like, a hundred of 'em

in this big lawn under these bone cages.

Peter!

I think you desecrated a military graveyard!

Hey, guys, like four jeeps

just drove up onto our front yard.

They must be here for the medals!

Maybe. Or it could be because of my

"I'm Gonna Barf on the White House" blog.

(metal detector beeping)

(beeping increases)

Ah, sweet!

Huh.

Wonder what happens if I turn it on and point 'em at each other.

Oh, my God!

Did you also call into a talk show

without turning down your radio first?

(beeping)

(beeping increases)

Jackpot.

Wow, an iPad!

This thing finds everything!

(beeps) Engagement ring!

(beeps) Family locket!

(beeps) Sunglasses that are an upgrade

over my current pair! MAN: There he is!

There's the guy who's been stealing everyone's stuff!

Don't yell at me, I'm very sunburned!

(clattering) Go, crappy car, go!

Peter, did you rob a bunch of people

on the beach with your metal detector?

Well, that's only half the story.

I also hooted at a lady who was breastfeeding.

I want you to get rid of that metal detector.

All you're doing is getting into trouble

and digging up junk when we really need

to be saving for Stewie's college.

Tomorrow we are going to the mall

and returning that thing to the store.

(sighs) Okay, fine.

But you should know, the day I bought this metal detector

was the happiest day of my life.

Well, obviously, the second happiest.

♪ Now we gonna do this thing a little different tonight ♪

♪ You gonna come over, pick me up in your ride ♪

Oh, my God, I wasn't even supposed to be here.

I passed out at the Tom Petty concert last night

and just stayed.

♪ You're gonna open my door ♪

♪ And I'm gonna reach over and open yours ♪

♪ Gonna pay for dinner, take me to see a movie ♪

♪ And whisper in my ear how bad you really want to do me... ♪

Please, go slow.

I have IBS.

Well, I'm glad the store was willing

to take that metal detector back.

All right, let's go to the food court.

I love eating Panda Express

while squeezin' our purchases between our knees

'cause someone might grab 'em.

God, the mall sucks, doesn't it, kids?

If I had a credit card, I'd shop online.

Oh, hey, Bonnie.

What are you guys doing here?

Oh, hey, Lois.

We saw an ad looking for a toddler

to appear in a peanut butter commercial

and we thought we'd bring Susie.

Joe, are you wearing a corsage? Yeah.

You can get a really good deal on them after prom season.

They're for girls, Joe.

Hey, Peter,

why don't you let me do me, and you do you, okay?

Peanut butter commercial, huh?

Hey, Bri, maybe you should audition.

You know, because of that one time you got in the trash

and ate a whole jar of recalled peanut butter?

It wasn't peanut butter.

It was that pre-mixed peanut butter and jelly thing.

Oh, Mom bought that?

That's what the scab kid at school always has!

That was really great, Jake.

Really, really great.

Your face is upside-down,

so we're not gonna pick you, but thanks for coming.

Hey. Hey. This is you.

"I'm Brian.

"I like garbage peanut butter,

and I wear my 'I Voted' sticker for a week and a half."

Num-num-num-num-num- num-num-num-num!

(laughs)

I'm sorry, we're looking for

more of a "Num-num-num-num-num-num-num."

Bob, look over there!

Num-num-num-num-num-num-num-num- num-num-num-num-num!

Whose kid is that?

Oh, that's our son, Stewie.

He's adorable!

And exactly what we're looking for!

Congratulations, your son is the new peanut butter kid!

My God, I don't believe it!

That's so cool!

Hey, what's Dad doing over there with Chris?

Oh, he's telling him that he's no longer his favorite son.

(no audio)

No!

(sobbing): No, Daddy!

Daddy!

Daddy...

(grunting)

I didn't even tell him.

He just does not like to be touched.

Thanks for coming to the viewing party

for Stewie's commercial, everybody.

We're sorry that it's airing during 2 Broke Girls,

but we have no control over that.

Thanks for coming to my big night, Brian.

I see you got all dressed up in your exposed wiener.

Quiet, everybody! Here it comes!

(upbeat music plays)

Welcome home, honey!

There's my family!

H-Hey, wait, where's the baby?

Well, he likes his hero dad,

but he loves Scooter's Peanut Butter.

Num-num-num-num-num-num-num-num- num-num-num-num-num-num-num!

ANNOUNCER: Scooter's Peanut Butter.

So good, your baby will want to eat it

in an airport terminal bathroom.

(cheering, excited chattering)

(laughs): He's a baby who did a baby thing.

Let's all calm down a little.

Wow, I can't believe Stewie's a commercial star.

We haven't had a celebrity in the family

since my great-aunt, Queen of Burlesque Griffin.

("The Stripper" by David Rose plays)

♪ Cheesy jokes ♪

♪ And ugly broads ♪

♪ Way back when ♪

♪ They had no porn ♪

♪ Just scarves ♪

♪ Fans ♪

♪ Fat ♪

♪ Gross ♪

♪ A terrible time ♪

♪ For your penis to live in. ♪

Bill. Bill. Bill.

Weird magazine about our town that's just ads.

Hmm, this one's for Stewie.

Whoa, a check for $2,000?

Let me see that.

It's a royalty check from Stewie's commercial.

Apparently, he gets paid every time it airs.

This is great.

We can put it right into Stewie's college fund.

Yeah, yeah, but, you know,

maybe we should keep a little bit out to celebrate.

I mean, I ain't done nothin' fancy

since I bought those rich guy socks.

Ah, there.

I'm ready to get caught cheating with my secretary.

♪ ♪

Welcome, folks.

Would you like flat or sparkling water to start?

Garden hose will be fine.

We prefer it to be hot and then metal-y.

Actually, Peter,

let's go for the sparkling water.

I mean, we are celebrating

our little commercial star and his big payday.

Oh, I don't care about that, ma'am.

You know, this is a nice dinner and all,

but I thought you guys were going to save

this commercial money for Stewie's college fund.

We are saving it, Brian.

This is just a little celebration.

The rest of it is going right in the bank.

Yeah, and besides, it's been a while

since we ate at a place where if you ask for ketchup,

they look at you like you're dirt.

You know, Stewie actually got a call

for another commercial tomorrow.

Who knows?

This could be the beginning of a nice career for him.

You sure about this, Lois?

I mean... I mean, the world of child acting

can be a pretty bad environment for a kid.

Maybe we should just let Stewie's childhood

be about being a child.

Wasn't your kid an actor, you jagoff?

Didn't your father hate your guts and die?

Whoa!

Bring a gun to a knife fight.

Look, I-I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

All I'm saying is,

just try to keep Stewie's best interests in mind.

Relax, Brian.

Stewie's fine. I mean, look at him.

He's happier than a sunny-side-up egg.

What a great way to start the day.

What a pan, what a grill.

Oh, no, I'm at Denny's.

MAN: Hey, I'm a drug addict and it's midnight--

where's my breakfast?!

Help, he's only gonna eat the toast

and put a cigarette out on me.

Okay, Stewie, you booked the last commercial

without even trying, so this one should be a piece of cake.

(low chatter)

Oh, I guess there are other people auditioning, too.

Oh, is your child up for the cough syrup commercial, too?

You'd have no way of knowing this,

but the moms tend to dress up.

Oh, thank you.

And you'd have no way of knowing

that my son is the Scooter's Peanut Butter Kid.

(chuckles): That's cute.

My son had a gun waved in his face in a Dexter episode.

Are you guys talking about your kids?

My daughter is the American Apparel slut baby.

My son got crapped on in the last Jackass movie.

God, everyone here is so talented.

Hi, everybody, we're a little crunched for time,

so we're gonna have to audition people

right here in the hallway.

You, do something exceptional.

Uh, okay.

(cracking)

Ow! Ow.

Oh, my grundle.

It's bruised.

It's bruised bad.

Oh, okay, I'm out, I'm out.

Tappin' out.

Well, that was a disaster.

It was humiliating is what it was.

That woman just smiled

when Stewie banged his balls on the floor.

A damn disaster.

Num-num-num-num-num- num-num-num-num?

Shut up, that's over!

Did you see those other kids?

They were amazing.

One of them was texting

with the funny-dumb kid from Modern Family.

I want to text with that kid.

Holy Christmas, there were a lot of hot moms

in yoga pants in there, though.

Dear me, they're really disappointed in me, Rupert.

I haven't seen the fat man this upset

since he went to the 9/11 museum.

Lois made us do this,

but I wanted to go to the Central Park merry-go-round.

We had time to do both!

(piano plays Bent Fabric's "Alley Cat")

What the hell?

♪ ♪

(song ends)

Okay, that's great, that's great, that's great.

Just one question, Stewie--

do you get pleasure out of humiliating your family?

Yeah, is there some kind of sick joy in it?

Why can't he just be Pierce Brosnan?

Pierce Brosnan would've got this.

In a heartbeat!

It's 3:00 in the morning.

What the hell are you guys doing?

What does it look like? We're practicing.

Stewie has another audition tomorrow,

and we're not gonna be embarrassed like we were today.

See, this is the kind of thing I was talking about.

And look at him, he can barely stand up.

That's why I made this-- I call it "8 Hour Energy."

It's one part 5-Hour Energy, and the other three hours are

espresso, Scotts Turf Builder,

and a tiny, tiny super-small amount of cocaine.

Just a little bit.

I can't stress the littleness of it enough.

(gulps)

Whoa, mama, there's a kick like a mule!

♪ Who will buy this wonderful morning ♪

♪ Such a sky you never did see. ♪

There he is, there's the magic.

Peter, you're giving your baby drugs

to improve his acting career?

Oh, he's fine with it.

Stewie, if you're fine with it,

bleed from the nose.

I think that's pretty close.

All right, Stewie, now remember what we practiced last night.

And here's a trick to keep that confidence up.

You go in that room

and imagine everyone in it wants you sexually.

I'm doing it right now, and I feel powerful.

Okay.

And don't forget-- if you screw this up,

Mommy's gonna kill all of your toys. Okay.

All right, now I'm gonna go psych out these other kids.

Hey, little guy.

Nervous?

Sure you are.

Here's something that might help you.

(air horn blares)

Hey, little guy.

Stewie Griffin?

Oh, right here.

Peter, he needs a boost.

Give him some of the acting soup.

(gulps)

I want to say curse words!

Okay, Stewie, you're just gonna drink this juice,

then say, "Mmm," and rub your belly.

Yeah, yeah, you got it.

(gulps)

Yeah! Bye, juice!

That was amazing.

I've got goose bumps.

I want him sexually.

Well, Mom, Dad,

I think we've got our new orange juice boy.

Does this guy really think we're his parents?

Stewie got the part?!

Yes!

That is how you do it!

Oh, hey, Brian. What's going on?

Where's the fridge?

Oh, we got a new one.

Stewie booked that orange juice commercial,

so we thought we'd make a few upgrades around the house.

Yeah, I even bought an awesome voice-activated 3-D printer.

Why the hell do you need a 3-D printer?

Print coyote.

(whirring)

(coyote growls)

CHRIS: Hey, what, hey, no, no, no!

Heel, heel, heel!

I can't make him attack you, Brian,

but if I keep printing them,

eventually one will go after you.

That money is supposed to be for Stewie's college.

He's an actor, you idiot-- he doesn't need college.

Look, I-I just don't think any of this is good for Stewie.

It's great for Stewie.

He's becoming a star.

That's right.

Man, this must be what it's like to be Anne Hathaway's parents.

Oh, that's Anne's car.

Ugh.

Hey, Stewie, can I talk to you?

What are you doing?

I don't know.

Mom and Dad just, uh, stuck a book on my head and-and left.

Stewie, look at you, you're a wreck.

And for what? So Peter and Lois can spend the money you earned

on crap they don't even need?

Uh, I'm not supposed to use my voice

for non-paying stuff, Brian.

This is insane-- you've got to stop.

Ugh, stop worrying, I'm fine.

And besides, the fat man knows what he's doing.

No, he doesn't, he's an idiot.

Remember? He couldn't even figure out

how to use a hotel business center.

So, what business are you in?

Oh, I'm just here to look at other people's e-mails

who haven't logged out. And how's business?

Well, I've left some pretty wild replies on a bunch of Evites.

Look at this-- I'm bringing 53 guests.

You're the coolest guy I've ever met in one of these things.

Oh, hey.

You caught me pigging out.

I'm dipping this celery stalk into some lemon water.

But don't freak out.

I'm just gonna smell it and then throw it in the trash.

Stewie, this has gotten out of control.

If you're gonna continue on this path,

you need to know what your future holds.

Being a child actor almost never ends well.

You remember that kid from A Christmas Story

who got his tongue stuck to that pole?

Yeah, whatever happened to him?

I'll tell you what happened to him.

He did porn.

Boner from Growing Pains? Dead.

Screech from Saved by the Bell? Porn.

Corey Haim? Dead.

Dana Plato? Porn, then dead.

Oh, no, this is horrible.

You see, Stewie, there are tons of actors like this.

They all started out just like you,

but eventually they were destroyed

by their parents' greed, drugs

or perverted Hollywood directors.

Oh, like Bryan Singer.

Exactly. The point is it's a dark path.

My God, I had no idea it could be so bad.

Brian, I don't want to act anymore.

Good. Now we just got to make Peter and Lois understand.

Yes, well, if they want to make me into a monster

like those people, we'll give 'em a monster.

Like when Godzilla attacked Haiti.

(flames crackling)

(roars)

Oh, my God.

Peter, did you get my text?

No, hold on.

No, I don't know what he's doing here.

Okay, Stewie, when Barbara hands you that orange juice,

you're gonna drink it and smile.

And really show us that energy from your audition.

H-Hold on a second, he's got a smudge on his face.

Let me just take care of that for you guys.

Here, drink this.

I threw a little Molly in there, too,

so we'll go out clubbing afterwards.

Hey, you want this?

Sure, I'll drink anything.

All right, action!

As a mom, I want my kids to start their day right.

And there's no better way than with a glass

of fresh-squeezed Sunnydale Orange Juice.

Isn't that right, sweetie?

Shut your hole, bitch!

I'll tell you what I want fresh-squeezed-- these.

(shrieks)

What the hell's he doing?

He's blowing this.

Oh, here's what I think of this orange juice.

(grunting)

I-I can't... I can't go right now with everybody watching.

But-but I presume you understand the disrespect I intended.

Oh, my God, he's having a meltdown.

You don't suppose this has anything to do

with the sleep deprivation and narcotics?

Oh, Peter, what have we been thinking?

It's us-- we're the ones who turned him into this.

Get this kid out of here! He's fired.

Well done.

Not a bad performance.

Thank you, Brian, I...

Uh, there's the poop.

Right now.

Oh, Stewie.

Mommy and Daddy are so sorry.

I-I guess we just got too caught up in your success

and forgot that you're just a baby.

You were right, Brian.

I guess we pushed Stewie a little too hard.

Well, the good news is that now he can go back

to being a regular kid.

♪ ♪

Why are you winking at our baby, you creep?

God, that's weird.

I don't want to ever see that happen again.

Well, we went a little crazy there, didn't we, Peter?

But I'm glad we have

our normal, very average, non-famous baby back.

You know, I was once a very famous baby.

Were you, Peter?

No, but you see how easy it is for me to lie to you?

I do it every day.

Anyway, looks like everything worked out for the best.

You know, Brian, that acting stuff was a bit much for me,

but I did quite enjoy the dancing and the cocaine.

Yeah? Yep.

So you're just gonna be a dancer and a drug addict?

For a while. I might crash when I'm 18,

but then I'll just turn to the Lord and working out.

I'll-I'll just be a 180-degree different type of insufferable.

I used to need drugs to feel powerful,

but now my power comes from my core strength.

And let's look at that word, "strength."

The "S" stands for sacrifice.

No gain without sacrifice.

The "T," of course, stands for the sufferings of the cross.

The "R"... You want some cocaine?

Oh, my God, please, yes! That's all I want all the time!