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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,535 --> 00:00:04,003 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:04,005 --> 00:00:07,172 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:07,174 --> 00:00:10,843 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:10,845 --> 00:00:13,846 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:13,848 --> 00:00:17,282 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:17,284 --> 00:00:20,519 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:20,521 --> 00:00:22,021 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:22,023 --> 00:00:23,622 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:23,624 --> 00:00:29,061 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 10 00:00:36,170 --> 00:00:38,170 Ah, Smitty's Steakhouse. 11 00:00:38,172 --> 00:00:40,305 You know, this was the fanciest restaurant in Quahog 12 00:00:40,307 --> 00:00:41,540 when I was a kid. 13 00:00:41,542 --> 00:00:43,342 The ladies' room has a big space 14 00:00:43,344 --> 00:00:45,077 with chairs in it, like a living room, 15 00:00:45,079 --> 00:00:47,012 before you get back to where the crappers are. 16 00:00:47,014 --> 00:00:48,847 Good evening and welcome to Smitty's. 17 00:00:48,849 --> 00:00:50,849 I'll be back with martinis for Mom and Dad, 18 00:00:50,851 --> 00:00:53,552 and for you kids, some martinis. 19 00:00:53,554 --> 00:00:55,220 Dad, can you pass the bread? 20 00:00:55,222 --> 00:00:57,656 Sure. But don't forget the butter that looks like 21 00:00:57,658 --> 00:01:00,959 decorative bathroom soaps and is impossible to smear. 22 00:01:04,665 --> 00:01:07,666 Thanks, Dad! This really ruins it! 23 00:01:07,668 --> 00:01:09,401 What will you be having, sir? 24 00:01:09,403 --> 00:01:12,004 Yes, I'll have what I had last time: pheasant on the glass. 25 00:01:12,006 --> 00:01:13,906 Don't you mean "pheasant under glass"? 26 00:01:13,908 --> 00:01:15,174 Nope. 27 00:01:15,176 --> 00:01:17,242 (chirping) 28 00:01:17,244 --> 00:01:21,313 Yeah. Now turn around and lay an egg on the glass. 29 00:01:23,417 --> 00:01:25,684 Aw, yeah. 30 00:01:25,686 --> 00:01:29,455 I defy you to tell me exactly what's wrong with this. 31 00:01:33,094 --> 00:01:35,561 Oh, Peter, look. You can put your business card 32 00:01:35,563 --> 00:01:37,563 in this bowl and maybe win a free lunch. 33 00:01:37,565 --> 00:01:39,398 I don't have a business card. 34 00:01:39,400 --> 00:01:41,600 And I think you knew that. 35 00:01:41,602 --> 00:01:43,035 I hope you enjoyed your meal, sir. 36 00:01:43,037 --> 00:01:44,403 May I offer you a toothpick? 37 00:01:44,405 --> 00:01:45,971 Oh, I-I don't know. 38 00:01:45,973 --> 00:01:48,073 We've already spent a lot of money in here tonight. 39 00:01:48,075 --> 00:01:50,843 No, sir, it-it's free. 40 00:01:52,446 --> 00:01:54,947 Oh! 41 00:01:58,052 --> 00:02:00,052 Peter, that's not how you use a toothpick. 42 00:02:00,054 --> 00:02:01,553 You pick your teeth with it. 43 00:02:01,555 --> 00:02:04,123 I cannot believe I have to explain this to you. 44 00:02:04,125 --> 00:02:07,192 There are gaps in my knowledge. This is hardly news. 45 00:02:08,796 --> 00:02:10,996 Wow, this is awesome! 46 00:02:10,998 --> 00:02:13,465 This is like I'm having a whole second meal! 47 00:02:15,803 --> 00:02:18,070 Man, this just feels right. 48 00:02:18,072 --> 00:02:21,140 That's it. From here on out, I am about all things toothpick. 49 00:02:21,142 --> 00:02:23,642 I'm gonna go everywhere with it, always be chewing on it, 50 00:02:23,644 --> 00:02:25,410 and start all my sentences with, 51 00:02:25,412 --> 00:02:27,246 "All right, here's what you're gonna do." 52 00:02:27,248 --> 00:02:28,981 Excuse me, we're from out of town. 53 00:02:28,983 --> 00:02:31,617 Where do people go to listen to live music around here? 54 00:02:31,619 --> 00:02:33,619 I'll handle this. All right, here's what you're gonna do. 55 00:02:33,621 --> 00:02:35,454 Skip the live music. Get yourself a room 56 00:02:35,456 --> 00:02:37,623 over at the Wickford Marina. Take her out on a balcony, 57 00:02:37,625 --> 00:02:39,825 point to any boat in the harbor, and tell her it's yours. 58 00:02:39,827 --> 00:02:41,960 Now, you got rubbers? Now that I'm a toothpick guy, 59 00:02:41,962 --> 00:02:43,962 I call 'em rubbers. Or you could just pull the hose 60 00:02:43,964 --> 00:02:46,265 out of the bucket and let it spray free. 61 00:02:46,267 --> 00:02:48,567 I've had a vasectomy. 62 00:02:51,338 --> 00:02:54,006 Chris, now that I'm a toothpick guy, it's my job to sit 63 00:02:54,008 --> 00:02:56,008 on a BMX bike outside the rec center 64 00:02:56,010 --> 00:02:58,477 and ask every kid if they're the new kid. 65 00:02:58,479 --> 00:03:00,479 Hey. You the new kid? 66 00:03:00,481 --> 00:03:02,147 Why? Never mind why. 67 00:03:02,149 --> 00:03:03,649 Got any cool toys? 68 00:03:03,651 --> 00:03:05,217 Uh, I got an Xbox. 69 00:03:05,219 --> 00:03:07,686 How about you? I got a Barbie with a wiener on it. 70 00:03:07,688 --> 00:03:10,689 Took a thumb from a G.I. Joe, put it on with superglue. 71 00:03:10,691 --> 00:03:12,991 Looks pretty real. Real enough, anyways. 72 00:03:12,993 --> 00:03:14,960 Does the job. Does what job? 73 00:03:14,962 --> 00:03:16,662 You get it. 74 00:03:16,664 --> 00:03:19,331 My family moves around a lot 'cause I do stuff like this. 75 00:03:19,333 --> 00:03:20,832 Um, okay. 76 00:03:20,834 --> 00:03:22,701 I got to go now. You sure you don't want 77 00:03:22,703 --> 00:03:24,670 to come over and pull on my cat's nipples? 78 00:03:24,672 --> 00:03:28,073 We can do anything, 'cause my mom has two jobs. 79 00:03:30,044 --> 00:03:31,543 All right, I'm off to the fish market. 80 00:03:31,545 --> 00:03:33,145 What? Why? 81 00:03:33,147 --> 00:03:35,214 Well, the most intimidating people are toothpick guys 82 00:03:35,216 --> 00:03:37,382 who work at seafood counters and make people uncomfortable 83 00:03:37,384 --> 00:03:39,318 for not knowing about fish. 84 00:03:39,320 --> 00:03:40,752 What's good here? It's all good. 85 00:03:40,754 --> 00:03:42,321 What's the freshest? It's all fresh. 86 00:03:42,323 --> 00:03:44,389 How 'bout the halibut? Is it gamey? Gamey? 87 00:03:44,391 --> 00:03:46,692 I mean, you know, is it fishy? It's all fish. 88 00:03:46,694 --> 00:03:49,394 Is there a special way to prepare it? I'd cook it up. 89 00:03:49,396 --> 00:03:51,029 W-Well, what's the best fish here? 90 00:03:51,031 --> 00:03:52,664 What's your favorite fish? 91 00:03:52,666 --> 00:03:55,133 I don't eat fish. I only like spaghetti. 92 00:03:59,440 --> 00:04:01,873 Ugh, when are you gonna get rid of that toothpick? 93 00:04:01,875 --> 00:04:04,376 It's disgusting, and it's starting to smell. 94 00:04:04,378 --> 00:04:06,445 Why would I give it up? It's getting me tons of tail. 95 00:04:06,447 --> 00:04:07,446 What? 96 00:04:07,448 --> 00:04:08,680 And check this out. 97 00:04:08,682 --> 00:04:10,949 The rare triple toothpick flip. 98 00:04:12,753 --> 00:04:16,188 (choking) 99 00:04:16,190 --> 00:04:18,423 Oh, my God, are you all right? 100 00:04:18,425 --> 00:04:20,259 (coughs) No, I swallowed it! 101 00:04:20,261 --> 00:04:22,027 My toothpick! It's gone! 102 00:04:22,029 --> 00:04:24,096 Damn it! I'm gonna need you to put that large 103 00:04:24,098 --> 00:04:25,731 two-handed colander over the toilet. 104 00:04:25,733 --> 00:04:27,733 Peter, that was a wedding present from my aunt. 105 00:04:27,735 --> 00:04:29,134 Well, let's use the ice cream maker! 106 00:04:29,136 --> 00:04:30,569 We've never used it once! 107 00:04:30,571 --> 00:04:33,305 Calm down. You can always get another toothpick. 108 00:04:33,307 --> 00:04:34,906 Oh, my God, you're right! 109 00:04:34,908 --> 00:04:36,408 Lois, we got to drive to Smitty's right now 110 00:04:36,410 --> 00:04:38,210 and get one. Now? 111 00:04:38,212 --> 00:04:41,613 But we told Chris we'd be there when he wakes up from surgery. 112 00:04:42,883 --> 00:04:45,384 All right, we were able to fix your hernia, 113 00:04:45,386 --> 00:04:47,786 but you've got to stop lifting sewer hole covers. 114 00:04:47,788 --> 00:04:49,454 But the Ninja Turtles live down there. 115 00:04:49,456 --> 00:04:50,789 I'm friends with them. 116 00:04:50,791 --> 00:04:52,891 Hey, fat ass, I brought you flowers. 117 00:04:52,893 --> 00:04:55,627 But stay out of the sewers! We're trying to work down there. 118 00:04:55,629 --> 00:04:57,896 Thanks, Donatello! 119 00:04:57,898 --> 00:04:59,631 (tires screech) 120 00:04:59,633 --> 00:05:01,066 Oh, thank God! 121 00:05:01,068 --> 00:05:02,934 Quick, we need another toothpick! 122 00:05:02,936 --> 00:05:06,371 Thank you, Maurice. 123 00:05:15,349 --> 00:05:18,016 Just get your toothpick and let's get out of here. 124 00:05:18,018 --> 00:05:19,418 Ugh. No, thanks. 125 00:05:19,420 --> 00:05:21,787 That old lady has ruined toothpicks for me. 126 00:05:21,789 --> 00:05:23,989 Just like how Meg ruined broccoli. 127 00:05:23,991 --> 00:05:25,991 Hey, Meg, look, they're little trees! 128 00:05:25,993 --> 00:05:27,292 No, they're not. 129 00:05:27,294 --> 00:05:29,494 They're not?! 130 00:05:29,496 --> 00:05:31,963 Hey, Peter! 131 00:05:31,965 --> 00:05:34,633 Oh, look, there's Quagmire and his transgendered mother, 132 00:05:34,635 --> 00:05:37,669 which is now great. 133 00:05:37,671 --> 00:05:39,171 Hey, Quagmire. Hey, Ida. 134 00:05:39,173 --> 00:05:40,839 I didn't know you liked Smitty's. 135 00:05:40,841 --> 00:05:42,507 Oh, yeah, I've been coming here for ages. 136 00:05:42,509 --> 00:05:44,276 They even named a sandwich after me. 137 00:05:44,278 --> 00:05:46,678 It's an inside-out hot dog slathered in ketchup. 138 00:05:46,680 --> 00:05:48,680 Please, please join us. 139 00:05:48,682 --> 00:05:51,683 Oh, we wouldn't want to interrupt your brave dinner. 140 00:05:51,685 --> 00:05:53,485 Nonsense, we're happy to have you. 141 00:05:53,487 --> 00:05:55,053 All right, but we already ate dinner, 142 00:05:55,055 --> 00:05:58,657 so maybe just an iceberg wedge, a steak and some sides. 143 00:05:58,659 --> 00:06:01,026 And then I said something random that suggested 144 00:06:01,028 --> 00:06:02,694 a whole crazy story! 145 00:06:02,696 --> 00:06:05,030 (laughter) 146 00:06:05,032 --> 00:06:07,032 Oh, God, that's hilarious, Lois. 147 00:06:07,034 --> 00:06:08,867 I could listen to you talk all night. 148 00:06:08,869 --> 00:06:11,470 Yeah, but we got to get going. Carter's our babysitter, 149 00:06:11,472 --> 00:06:14,639 and if he's with the kids too long, they start saying racisms. 150 00:06:14,641 --> 00:06:16,641 Aw, I wish the fun didn't have to end. 151 00:06:16,643 --> 00:06:19,211 I always enjoy spending time with you two. 152 00:06:19,213 --> 00:06:21,012 Well, why don't you come over tomorrow? 153 00:06:21,014 --> 00:06:24,349 We'll fire up the grill and have the gang over for a cookout. 154 00:06:24,351 --> 00:06:26,752 Well, that sounds wonderful. Well, great, we'll be there! 155 00:06:26,754 --> 00:06:28,687 Hey, before you two leave, let's take a photo. 156 00:06:28,689 --> 00:06:31,022 Yeah! Selfie! (laughs) 157 00:06:31,024 --> 00:06:33,458 I just learned that word. 158 00:06:36,397 --> 00:06:38,897 Perfect! Well, good night, you guys. 159 00:06:38,899 --> 00:06:41,233 See you tomorrow, hashtags! 160 00:06:41,235 --> 00:06:43,635 You're not doing that right. 161 00:06:47,074 --> 00:06:49,508 Boy, that Lois is really something, isn't she? 162 00:06:49,510 --> 00:06:52,411 Yeah. Peter's a lucky guy. 163 00:06:52,413 --> 00:06:54,379 Glenn, do you... 164 00:06:54,381 --> 00:06:56,381 do you have feelings for her? 165 00:06:56,383 --> 00:06:57,749 What? (scoffs) 166 00:06:57,751 --> 00:06:58,750 No. 167 00:06:58,752 --> 00:07:00,185 A mother always knows. 168 00:07:00,187 --> 00:07:02,187 You like to play the field, but, deep down, 169 00:07:02,189 --> 00:07:04,923 you really wish you had a woman like Lois, don't you? 170 00:07:04,925 --> 00:07:07,125 No, I don't want a woman like Lois. 171 00:07:07,127 --> 00:07:08,860 I want Lois. 172 00:07:08,862 --> 00:07:10,962 She's perfect. I've loved her for years. 173 00:07:10,964 --> 00:07:13,465 She's warm and kind and beautiful. 174 00:07:13,467 --> 00:07:15,934 I've never been so in love with anyone. 175 00:07:15,936 --> 00:07:17,769 Glenn, that's very sweet, 176 00:07:17,771 --> 00:07:20,272 but you're talking about your best friend's wife. 177 00:07:20,274 --> 00:07:21,873 I know, I know. It's wrong. 178 00:07:21,875 --> 00:07:23,275 And Peter's a good friend. 179 00:07:23,277 --> 00:07:25,210 Not like Cleveland. 180 00:07:25,212 --> 00:07:27,279 Hey, I got two of these phone books. 181 00:07:27,281 --> 00:07:28,880 Didn't know if you wanted one. 182 00:07:28,882 --> 00:07:31,049 Hey, how long have we known each other? 183 00:07:31,051 --> 00:07:35,053 Long time. And yet we've never discussed mothers' maiden names, 184 00:07:35,055 --> 00:07:38,290 the names of old pets, high school mascots, 185 00:07:38,292 --> 00:07:39,658 favorite teachers. 186 00:07:39,660 --> 00:07:41,126 Heck, I don't even know 187 00:07:41,128 --> 00:07:42,727 the last four digits of your Social. 188 00:07:42,729 --> 00:07:44,563 Cleveland, do you need to borrow some money? 189 00:07:44,565 --> 00:07:46,798 I do! They're gonna kill Donna! 190 00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:49,801 Really? No. I just want to buy a man's fur coat. 191 00:07:49,803 --> 00:07:51,636 Get out of here. 192 00:07:53,006 --> 00:07:54,339 (distant knocking) 193 00:07:54,341 --> 00:07:56,107 (door opens in distance) Hey, Peter, 194 00:07:56,109 --> 00:07:57,943 I had an extra phone book, and I... 195 00:07:57,945 --> 00:08:00,312 PETER: I'm not buying you that coat! (door slams) 196 00:08:03,784 --> 00:08:05,317 (snoring) 197 00:08:07,254 --> 00:08:08,920 (coughing) Huh? Who? What? 198 00:08:08,922 --> 00:08:10,922 Yeah, what? What? Which doggy in what window? 199 00:08:10,924 --> 00:08:12,591 So, how'd everything go? 200 00:08:12,593 --> 00:08:14,426 Hard to tell. I was coughing the whole time. 201 00:08:14,428 --> 00:08:16,428 By the way, I couldn't figure out how to use your oven, 202 00:08:16,430 --> 00:08:18,163 so I destroyed it in a blind rage. 203 00:08:18,165 --> 00:08:19,965 Well, good night. 204 00:08:19,967 --> 00:08:23,969 Ooh, after that steak, I got to go lay down on the toilet. 205 00:08:23,971 --> 00:08:25,804 (phone vibrates) 206 00:08:25,806 --> 00:08:27,639 Huh. Looks like I got a couple of messages. 207 00:08:27,641 --> 00:08:29,808 (banging noises over phone) STEWIE (recorded): Uh, Dad? Dad? 208 00:08:29,810 --> 00:08:31,309 Grandpa's going nuts on the oven. 209 00:08:31,311 --> 00:08:32,544 Can you come home quick? 210 00:08:32,546 --> 00:08:34,045 Who the hell is that? 211 00:08:34,047 --> 00:08:36,314 Huh. There's one from Quagmire. 212 00:08:36,316 --> 00:08:37,949 (muffled conversation) 213 00:08:37,951 --> 00:08:39,484 Huh, must've pocket-dialed me again. 214 00:08:39,486 --> 00:08:41,987 QUAGMIRE: I want Lois. She's perfect. 215 00:08:41,989 --> 00:08:43,555 I've loved her for years. 216 00:08:43,557 --> 00:08:46,157 She's warm and kind and beautiful. 217 00:08:46,159 --> 00:08:48,159 I've never been so in love with anyone. 218 00:08:48,161 --> 00:08:50,495 Oh, my God! 219 00:08:50,497 --> 00:08:52,397 Quagmire's in love with my wife? 220 00:08:52,399 --> 00:08:54,232 (phone vibrates) Hello? 221 00:08:54,234 --> 00:08:56,234 LOIS: Peter, I'm having troubles on the toilet. 222 00:08:56,236 --> 00:08:57,702 Bring the ice cream maker. 223 00:09:04,478 --> 00:09:06,978 Brian, there's something I got to talk to you about. 224 00:09:06,980 --> 00:09:09,080 Quagmire pocket-dialed me last night. 225 00:09:09,082 --> 00:09:11,182 You got to hear this. 226 00:09:11,184 --> 00:09:13,351 QUAGMIRE: I want Lois. She's perfect. 227 00:09:13,353 --> 00:09:14,819 I've loved her for years. 228 00:09:14,821 --> 00:09:16,221 Oh, my God! 229 00:09:16,223 --> 00:09:17,856 He's in love with Lois? 230 00:09:17,858 --> 00:09:19,524 Yeah, and if you keep listening, you can hear 231 00:09:19,526 --> 00:09:22,060 a Puerto Rican busboy get fired in the background. 232 00:09:22,062 --> 00:09:23,395 It's pretty funny. He cries. 233 00:09:23,397 --> 00:09:24,696 But can you believe Quagmire?! 234 00:09:24,698 --> 00:09:26,364 Well, I guess it's not that shocking. 235 00:09:26,366 --> 00:09:29,100 I mean, he has said 100 times that he wants to bang Lois. 236 00:09:29,102 --> 00:09:31,269 No, no, no, that's just Quagmire being a horn-dog. 237 00:09:31,271 --> 00:09:33,071 This is love. I don't know. 238 00:09:33,073 --> 00:09:35,206 I think you're making too big a deal out of this. 239 00:09:35,208 --> 00:09:37,509 Too big a deal?! The guy's been sitting next to me 240 00:09:37,511 --> 00:09:39,210 all these years, acting like he's my friend, 241 00:09:39,212 --> 00:09:41,446 when all he really wants is to be with my wife! 242 00:09:41,448 --> 00:09:43,181 Geez, calm down. No, I'm telling you, 243 00:09:43,183 --> 00:09:45,250 he's gonna try to take Lois away from me. 244 00:09:45,252 --> 00:09:47,218 You know what? I'm going over there right now 245 00:09:47,220 --> 00:09:50,021 and hit him with a shovel, like a white trash YouTube girl. 246 00:09:50,023 --> 00:09:51,523 Peter, wait, wait. Listen. 247 00:09:51,525 --> 00:09:53,458 Delete that message and pretend you never heard it. 248 00:09:53,460 --> 00:09:54,926 What? Why? 249 00:09:54,928 --> 00:09:56,795 Because you weren't meant to hear it. 250 00:09:56,797 --> 00:09:59,464 If you act on this, all you'll do is wreck your friendship 251 00:09:59,466 --> 00:10:01,299 and cause heartache for everyone involved. 252 00:10:01,301 --> 00:10:03,401 What, so what am I supposed to do, just ignore it? 253 00:10:03,403 --> 00:10:04,436 Yeah. Ignore it. 254 00:10:04,438 --> 00:10:06,538 Like you do with the ghost of that colonial woman 255 00:10:06,540 --> 00:10:08,239 who died falling down our stairs. 256 00:10:08,241 --> 00:10:12,377 (moaning): I saw you eat a crayon. 257 00:10:12,379 --> 00:10:14,746 It was purple. I thought it was grape. 258 00:10:14,748 --> 00:10:16,881 Look, you've got to be the bigger man. 259 00:10:16,883 --> 00:10:18,883 You got to just keep this to yourself. 260 00:10:18,885 --> 00:10:20,952 (sighs) Fine, I won't say anything. 261 00:10:20,954 --> 00:10:23,088 Good. And don't be passive-aggressive, either. 262 00:10:23,090 --> 00:10:25,924 Like one of those songs in an old musical. 263 00:10:25,926 --> 00:10:27,125 (jaunty melody plays) 264 00:10:27,127 --> 00:10:29,494 ♪ You're hideous ♪ 265 00:10:29,496 --> 00:10:31,062 ♪ To be without ♪ 266 00:10:31,064 --> 00:10:32,731 ♪ You're big and fat ♪ 267 00:10:32,733 --> 00:10:34,499 ♪ In the heart, no doubt ♪ 268 00:10:34,501 --> 00:10:36,267 ♪ You're a horrible loss ♪ 269 00:10:36,269 --> 00:10:38,336 ♪ If you won't be my wife ♪ 270 00:10:38,338 --> 00:10:40,572 ♪ You're a raging, continuous ♪ 271 00:10:40,574 --> 00:10:43,742 ♪ Love in my life... ♪ 272 00:10:50,283 --> 00:10:51,750 Pretty good turnout for this thing. 273 00:10:51,752 --> 00:10:54,152 Oh, yeah, Mort and Neil Goldman. 274 00:10:54,154 --> 00:10:56,154 It's like Coachella. 275 00:10:59,593 --> 00:11:01,292 There's that son of a bitch. 276 00:11:01,294 --> 00:11:03,294 He's got some nerve showing up here. 277 00:11:03,296 --> 00:11:05,163 Peter, remember what we talked about. 278 00:11:05,165 --> 00:11:06,865 Look at them clouds up there. 279 00:11:06,867 --> 00:11:08,466 Yeah, that one look like Nathan. 280 00:11:08,468 --> 00:11:10,101 That one look like Shawn. 281 00:11:10,103 --> 00:11:11,636 And there go Wanya over there. 282 00:11:11,638 --> 00:11:14,639 How blessed are we to have all them Boyz II Men 283 00:11:14,641 --> 00:11:16,941 just floating around in the sky? 284 00:11:16,943 --> 00:11:18,810 Glenn! Ida! You made it! 285 00:11:18,812 --> 00:11:21,479 Hey, Lois. I brought the hamburger buns, like you wanted. 286 00:11:21,481 --> 00:11:23,014 I wasn't sure what people like, 287 00:11:23,016 --> 00:11:25,383 so I got some with seeds on them and some without. 288 00:11:25,385 --> 00:11:27,519 What does he mean by that, "seeds"? 289 00:11:27,521 --> 00:11:29,354 Like semen? Is that what he means? 290 00:11:29,356 --> 00:11:32,157 Semen on her buns. Am I the only one hearing this? 291 00:11:32,159 --> 00:11:34,626 Get the hell away from my wife, you scumbag! 292 00:11:34,628 --> 00:11:36,194 Peter, what are you talking about? 293 00:11:36,196 --> 00:11:37,662 I'll tell you what I'm talking about! 294 00:11:37,664 --> 00:11:38,997 I'm talking about this! 295 00:11:38,999 --> 00:11:40,865 PETER (recorded): Idea for a movie. 296 00:11:40,867 --> 00:11:44,402 Fop Cop. It's a cop who's, like, a fancy guy. 297 00:11:44,404 --> 00:11:46,471 Nobody heard that! None of you take that! 298 00:11:46,473 --> 00:11:48,740 What I meant to play was this. 299 00:11:48,742 --> 00:11:50,875 QUAGMIRE: I want Lois. She's perfect. 300 00:11:50,877 --> 00:11:52,677 I've loved her for years. 301 00:11:52,679 --> 00:11:55,313 Fop Cop. That could work. 302 00:11:55,315 --> 00:11:57,382 Glenn... i-is this true? 303 00:11:57,384 --> 00:11:59,984 Wait a minute, how the hell'd you get that recording, Peter? 304 00:11:59,986 --> 00:12:02,020 You pocket-dialed me, you bastard! 305 00:12:02,022 --> 00:12:03,822 Peter, that was a private conversation. 306 00:12:03,824 --> 00:12:07,058 That doesn't change the fact that you want to steal my wife! 307 00:12:07,060 --> 00:12:09,127 Hey, get your hands off me! 308 00:12:10,063 --> 00:12:11,663 LOIS: Oh, my God! 309 00:12:11,665 --> 00:12:13,331 JOE: Oh, come on, you two. CLEVELAND: Come on, now. 310 00:12:13,333 --> 00:12:14,566 Hey, what are y'all doing? Stop! Stop it! 311 00:12:14,568 --> 00:12:15,767 Kill him, Dad! 312 00:12:15,769 --> 00:12:17,235 Murder him! 313 00:12:18,205 --> 00:12:19,871 (Quagmire and Peter grunting) 314 00:12:19,873 --> 00:12:21,706 That's it! End of cookout! 315 00:12:21,708 --> 00:12:25,410 Get out of my house, and don't ever speak to me again! 316 00:12:26,847 --> 00:12:28,847 Wow, that turned ugly fast. 317 00:12:28,849 --> 00:12:31,182 Just like my trip to Tampa Bay. 318 00:12:31,184 --> 00:12:34,352 Hey, city boy, what's with the arm pants? 319 00:12:39,626 --> 00:12:41,760 QUAGMIRE: I want Lois. She's perfect. 320 00:12:41,762 --> 00:12:43,461 I've loved her for years. 321 00:12:43,463 --> 00:12:45,563 (groans) You're still listening to that thing? 322 00:12:45,565 --> 00:12:49,434 It's like, I can't even process why he'd feel this way. 323 00:12:49,436 --> 00:12:51,770 Maybe... you know, maybe play it one more time and... 324 00:12:51,772 --> 00:12:53,605 I can't believe this. 325 00:12:53,607 --> 00:12:55,440 I thought Quagmire was my friend! 326 00:12:55,442 --> 00:12:57,442 Peter, it's not that surprising. 327 00:12:57,444 --> 00:12:59,744 He's always had a potent sex drive. 328 00:12:59,746 --> 00:13:02,380 Remember his grandmother's funeral? 329 00:13:03,583 --> 00:13:05,450 (quietly): Yeah, get it in there. 330 00:13:05,452 --> 00:13:07,118 Oh, I wish this was about sex. 331 00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:09,721 If he was just home busting one to his buddy's wife, 332 00:13:09,723 --> 00:13:11,456 hell, we've all done that. 333 00:13:11,458 --> 00:13:13,091 I've heard. Allegedly. 334 00:13:13,093 --> 00:13:15,093 But not often. And never to Donna. 335 00:13:15,095 --> 00:13:17,095 Except when she wore those shiny gold shorts 336 00:13:17,097 --> 00:13:18,263 to parent-teacher night. 337 00:13:18,265 --> 00:13:20,331 Oh, yeah, that was hilarious. 338 00:13:20,333 --> 00:13:22,834 (laughs): Yeah, that was... that was so tacky. 339 00:13:22,836 --> 00:13:25,904 But if Quagmire actually has feelings for you, 340 00:13:25,906 --> 00:13:28,673 I'm afraid he might take you away from me. 341 00:13:28,675 --> 00:13:31,075 Peter, nobody's taking me anywhere. 342 00:13:31,077 --> 00:13:32,844 I love you. 343 00:13:32,846 --> 00:13:33,845 Mmm. 344 00:13:33,847 --> 00:13:35,680 I love you, too, Lois. 345 00:13:35,682 --> 00:13:37,749 Hey, you ever heard any of the other wives 346 00:13:37,751 --> 00:13:39,117 saying they're attracted to me? 347 00:13:39,119 --> 00:13:40,485 (laughs) 348 00:13:40,487 --> 00:13:42,987 No, um, not that I recall, no. 349 00:13:42,989 --> 00:13:44,823 Look, now that this is settled, 350 00:13:44,825 --> 00:13:47,091 maybe you and Glenn can put this behind you. 351 00:13:47,093 --> 00:13:49,594 No way! How am I supposed to be friends with someone 352 00:13:49,596 --> 00:13:50,995 who's in love with my wife? 353 00:13:50,997 --> 00:13:52,497 Quagmire is dead to me 354 00:13:52,499 --> 00:13:55,033 and needs to be dealt with in an appropriate manner. 355 00:13:55,035 --> 00:13:57,135 Shame. 356 00:13:57,137 --> 00:13:58,937 Shame. 357 00:13:58,939 --> 00:14:00,371 Shame. 358 00:14:00,373 --> 00:14:01,539 (bell rings) 359 00:14:01,541 --> 00:14:02,941 Shame. 360 00:14:02,943 --> 00:14:05,844 (to "Chain of Fools"): ♪ Shame, shame, shame ♪ 361 00:14:05,846 --> 00:14:08,880 ♪ Shame on you-hoo ♪ 362 00:14:08,882 --> 00:14:12,050 ♪ Shame, shame, shame ♪ 363 00:14:12,052 --> 00:14:13,852 ♪ Shame on Q... ♪ 364 00:14:13,854 --> 00:14:17,088 This was serious, but it turned into something fun. 365 00:14:22,829 --> 00:14:25,129 Glenn? Is that you? 366 00:14:25,131 --> 00:14:26,497 Oh, yeah, yeah. 367 00:14:26,499 --> 00:14:29,534 I was just buying a... a... grocery store cane. 368 00:14:29,536 --> 00:14:31,069 See you, Lois. 369 00:14:31,071 --> 00:14:33,037 Glenn, wait. Look, if you and Peter 370 00:14:33,039 --> 00:14:36,207 aren't gonna talk this out, you and I should. 371 00:14:36,209 --> 00:14:37,976 What's there to talk about? 372 00:14:37,978 --> 00:14:40,178 Everyone knows I'm in love with my best friend's wife. 373 00:14:40,180 --> 00:14:41,980 It's pathetic. And humiliating. 374 00:14:41,982 --> 00:14:43,147 Glenn... 375 00:14:43,149 --> 00:14:45,049 I can't trust myself around you. 376 00:14:45,051 --> 00:14:48,319 It's probably best if I... just never see you again. 377 00:14:48,321 --> 00:14:50,555 Well, you can't just avoid me forever. 378 00:14:50,557 --> 00:14:52,557 We live on the same street. 379 00:14:52,559 --> 00:14:54,259 Mm. 380 00:14:54,261 --> 00:14:58,029 Well, then... I know what I have to do. 381 00:14:58,031 --> 00:14:59,864 Good-bye, Lois. 382 00:14:59,866 --> 00:15:01,933 ♪ ♪ 383 00:15:07,774 --> 00:15:09,107 Oh, sour cream. 384 00:15:09,109 --> 00:15:10,575 You wanted me to remind you. 385 00:15:10,577 --> 00:15:11,843 Sour cream. 386 00:15:15,849 --> 00:15:18,750 Mr. Quagmire, which box do these beads go in? 387 00:15:18,752 --> 00:15:20,752 Let me smell 'em. 388 00:15:20,754 --> 00:15:22,453 They go in the big box. 389 00:15:22,455 --> 00:15:24,455 Quagmire, I can't believe you're moving. 390 00:15:24,457 --> 00:15:27,225 Look, give it time-- this whole thing will blow over. 391 00:15:27,227 --> 00:15:28,726 No, it's too awkward. 392 00:15:28,728 --> 00:15:30,795 It's best for everyone if I just leave. 393 00:15:30,797 --> 00:15:32,130 That's too bad. 394 00:15:32,132 --> 00:15:35,333 We never got to do that "Joe-Quagmire" lunch. 395 00:15:38,038 --> 00:15:40,438 Well, that'll do it. 396 00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:43,074 Peter, Quagmire's serious about this. 397 00:15:43,076 --> 00:15:45,143 You got to do something! 398 00:15:45,145 --> 00:15:46,544 You're right. 399 00:15:46,546 --> 00:15:47,745 Quagmire, wait! 400 00:15:47,747 --> 00:15:50,815 You almost left without this! 401 00:15:56,056 --> 00:15:58,790 You want me to be the one that says "jiggety" now? 402 00:16:06,066 --> 00:16:08,132 TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to Dateline. 403 00:16:08,134 --> 00:16:10,735 Our story tonight: The guy you think did it? 404 00:16:10,737 --> 00:16:11,803 He did it. 405 00:16:11,805 --> 00:16:13,104 Now go to bed. 406 00:16:13,106 --> 00:16:14,906 Your grandkids are coming tomorrow. 407 00:16:18,845 --> 00:16:21,512 I had a pretty good egg dish last night. 408 00:16:21,514 --> 00:16:24,916 What? What-what am I supposed to do with that information? 409 00:16:24,918 --> 00:16:27,452 Well, I don't know. Maybe ask me for the recipe? 410 00:16:27,454 --> 00:16:29,420 Do you have it? No. 411 00:16:29,422 --> 00:16:31,456 So what's going on with you guys? 412 00:16:31,458 --> 00:16:33,124 Nothing much. 413 00:16:33,126 --> 00:16:35,593 See, this is where Quagmire normally would have told 414 00:16:35,595 --> 00:16:37,628 one of his outrageous sex stories. 415 00:16:37,630 --> 00:16:40,765 Aw, we don't need him. I got a sex story for you. 416 00:16:40,767 --> 00:16:42,633 So I'm banging this chick, and she's saying to me, 417 00:16:42,635 --> 00:16:44,635 "I'm worried that Chris won't get into college." 418 00:16:44,637 --> 00:16:46,270 And then I says to her, 419 00:16:46,272 --> 00:16:47,972 "Yeah, that seems like a legitimate concern." 420 00:16:47,974 --> 00:16:50,842 And then I lost my wood, and so we just watched Colbert, 421 00:16:50,844 --> 00:16:53,711 and then I took a dump completely nude. 422 00:16:53,713 --> 00:16:55,580 Who else but Peter? 423 00:16:57,217 --> 00:16:59,884 Peter, face it-- without Quagmire, we're boring. 424 00:16:59,886 --> 00:17:01,619 Oh, come on, that ain't true. 425 00:17:01,621 --> 00:17:04,222 Yes, it is. He had all the fun ideas. 426 00:17:04,224 --> 00:17:06,891 Remember? He even took me parasailing. 427 00:17:08,828 --> 00:17:11,329 This is awesome! It's like I'm flying! 428 00:17:11,331 --> 00:17:12,897 (whooping) 429 00:17:12,899 --> 00:17:15,633 I've never felt so alive! 430 00:17:15,635 --> 00:17:18,903 Oh, if only I had a pair of legs. 431 00:17:20,540 --> 00:17:22,573 All right! 432 00:17:22,575 --> 00:17:25,209 (munching loudly) 433 00:17:25,211 --> 00:17:28,112 It was the fish part of me that wanted 'em! 434 00:17:32,852 --> 00:17:34,352 (sighs) 435 00:17:34,354 --> 00:17:36,921 Look, Peter, I'm sorry Quagmire moved away, 436 00:17:36,923 --> 00:17:39,891 but you can't just sit around the house and drink all day. 437 00:17:39,893 --> 00:17:42,226 It's all your fault Quagmire fell in love with you. 438 00:17:42,228 --> 00:17:44,362 Traipsin' around in your tan pants 439 00:17:44,364 --> 00:17:46,931 and your green shirt and your soothing voice. 440 00:17:46,933 --> 00:17:48,533 My fault?! 441 00:17:48,535 --> 00:17:50,268 Yeah, everything is messed up. 442 00:17:50,270 --> 00:17:52,904 I lost my best friend, my buddies are all fighting, 443 00:17:52,906 --> 00:17:55,440 that chick at work is saying stuff that ain't true. 444 00:17:55,442 --> 00:17:56,908 Okay, you know what? 445 00:17:56,910 --> 00:17:58,409 Enough feeling sorry for yourself. 446 00:17:58,411 --> 00:18:00,545 We're fixing this now. Get in the car. 447 00:18:00,547 --> 00:18:02,380 What? Why? You'll see. 448 00:18:02,382 --> 00:18:04,382 Why should I trust you? 449 00:18:04,384 --> 00:18:06,951 You're always tricking me into going places I don't want to. 450 00:18:06,953 --> 00:18:10,855 Oh. You said we were going to a place Walt Disney built. 451 00:18:10,857 --> 00:18:13,357 No, Peter. I said "supported." 452 00:18:13,359 --> 00:18:15,426 (bright fanfare playing, fireworks whistling) 453 00:18:18,598 --> 00:18:21,299 LOIS: By the way, don't go on the train ride. 454 00:18:25,805 --> 00:18:27,738 I've been playing a game I invented 455 00:18:27,740 --> 00:18:30,441 called "mini racquetball" in your garage. 456 00:18:30,443 --> 00:18:32,610 Uh-huh. It's pretty fun. 457 00:18:32,612 --> 00:18:34,445 He has not won a single point. 458 00:18:34,447 --> 00:18:36,781 You don't have to win to have fun. 459 00:18:36,783 --> 00:18:38,049 (knocking on door) 460 00:18:40,053 --> 00:18:41,085 Lois? 461 00:18:41,087 --> 00:18:42,920 Peter. Zod. 462 00:18:42,922 --> 00:18:45,656 Hey. You're parked behind my trapezoid-thing. 463 00:18:45,658 --> 00:18:47,825 Yeah, yeah, I'll move it in a sec. 464 00:18:47,827 --> 00:18:50,628 Glenn, all this nonsense has to stop now. 465 00:18:50,630 --> 00:18:52,930 The only reason this became an issue is because 466 00:18:52,932 --> 00:18:54,966 Peter heard something he wasn't supposed to hear. 467 00:18:54,968 --> 00:18:56,801 CLEVELAND: Guy from Superman lives here?! 468 00:18:56,803 --> 00:18:59,003 And the truth is, we all have private thoughts 469 00:18:59,005 --> 00:19:02,006 we don't act on, and that's okay. 470 00:19:02,008 --> 00:19:04,142 For instance, every time I'm on the subway, 471 00:19:04,144 --> 00:19:06,310 I want to push a stranger onto the tracks. 472 00:19:06,312 --> 00:19:07,345 And that's fine! 473 00:19:07,347 --> 00:19:08,946 I don't do it! 474 00:19:08,948 --> 00:19:10,748 I guess you're right. 475 00:19:10,750 --> 00:19:13,117 I don't totally disagree with what Kim Jong-un's doing, 476 00:19:13,119 --> 00:19:14,952 but you don't see me moving there. 477 00:19:14,954 --> 00:19:16,921 I take medicine I get from the veterinarian. 478 00:19:16,923 --> 00:19:18,322 Is that one? 479 00:19:18,324 --> 00:19:20,258 No, no, it's not, but the point is, 480 00:19:20,260 --> 00:19:22,193 we all have secret thoughts. 481 00:19:22,195 --> 00:19:24,795 But there's no reason they should ruin our friendships. 482 00:19:24,797 --> 00:19:26,764 Sometimes I think about going to the hospital 483 00:19:26,766 --> 00:19:28,332 and switching the babies around. 484 00:19:28,334 --> 00:19:30,134 Somali pirates seem cool, too. 485 00:19:30,136 --> 00:19:32,470 I wouldn't mind eating the Phillie Phanatic. 486 00:19:32,472 --> 00:19:35,439 See? We're all terrible people inside. 487 00:19:35,441 --> 00:19:37,642 Joe's a little worse than the rest of us, 488 00:19:37,644 --> 00:19:40,545 but we all just shove our thoughts deep down 489 00:19:40,547 --> 00:19:42,146 where they can't hurt anybody. 490 00:19:42,148 --> 00:19:44,682 Huh, maybe you're right. 491 00:19:44,684 --> 00:19:46,450 Of course I'm right. 492 00:19:46,452 --> 00:19:49,287 The secret to happiness is burying all your true feelings 493 00:19:49,289 --> 00:19:52,156 and living a life of bland compromise. 494 00:19:52,158 --> 00:19:54,525 So here's the question, Glenn. 495 00:19:54,527 --> 00:19:58,396 Do you love Peter enough to repress your love for me? 496 00:20:02,402 --> 00:20:05,670 Peter, if you're willing to forget all about this, 497 00:20:05,672 --> 00:20:09,307 I'm more than happy to continue hiding my true feelings. 498 00:20:09,309 --> 00:20:11,409 I do miss us hanging out together. 499 00:20:11,411 --> 00:20:14,078 Huh. Sorry I kind of went a little crazy. 500 00:20:14,080 --> 00:20:16,214 Ah, that's all right. 501 00:20:16,216 --> 00:20:18,683 And I'm sorry I will always love your wife. 502 00:20:18,685 --> 00:20:20,151 Which I don't. 503 00:20:20,153 --> 00:20:21,586 Thank you, Glenn. 504 00:20:21,588 --> 00:20:22,687 All right! 505 00:20:22,689 --> 00:20:24,055 What do you say we all celebrate 506 00:20:24,057 --> 00:20:26,424 with a game of mini racquetball? 507 00:20:26,426 --> 00:20:29,860 Wait. Is mini racquetball just Ping-Pong? 508 00:20:29,862 --> 00:20:31,629 Kind of. 509 00:20:35,101 --> 00:20:37,868 Boy, it's good to have the gang together again. 510 00:20:37,870 --> 00:20:39,704 Yeah, welcome home, buddy. 511 00:20:39,706 --> 00:20:42,173 Man, I missed sitting around, just shooting the breeze. 512 00:20:42,175 --> 00:20:44,175 Hey, so how'd you get your house back? 513 00:20:44,177 --> 00:20:45,676 This ought to be good. 514 00:20:45,678 --> 00:20:47,111 I suspended escrow. 515 00:20:47,113 --> 00:20:48,446 Oh. 516 00:20:49,682 --> 00:20:53,050 Hey, guys, you know that egg dish I was talking about? 517 00:20:53,052 --> 00:20:55,786 Turns out that was just a dream I had. 518 00:21:31,791 --> 00:21:34,859 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH36333

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