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♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
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00:00:04,005 --> 00:00:07,172
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:07,174 --> 00:00:10,843
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:10,845 --> 00:00:13,846
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:13,848 --> 00:00:17,282
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:17,284 --> 00:00:20,519
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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00:00:20,521 --> 00:00:22,021
♪ All the things that make us ♪
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00:00:22,023 --> 00:00:23,622
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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00:00:23,624 --> 00:00:29,061
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
10
00:00:36,170 --> 00:00:38,170
Ah, Smitty's Steakhouse.
11
00:00:38,172 --> 00:00:40,305
You know, this was the
fanciest restaurant in Quahog
12
00:00:40,307 --> 00:00:41,540
when I was a kid.
13
00:00:41,542 --> 00:00:43,342
The ladies' room has a big space
14
00:00:43,344 --> 00:00:45,077
with chairs in it,
like a living room,
15
00:00:45,079 --> 00:00:47,012
before you get back
to where the crappers are.
16
00:00:47,014 --> 00:00:48,847
Good evening and
welcome to Smitty's.
17
00:00:48,849 --> 00:00:50,849
I'll be back with
martinis for Mom and Dad,
18
00:00:50,851 --> 00:00:53,552
and for you kids,
some martinis.
19
00:00:53,554 --> 00:00:55,220
Dad, can you pass
the bread?
20
00:00:55,222 --> 00:00:57,656
Sure. But don't forget
the butter that looks like
21
00:00:57,658 --> 00:01:00,959
decorative bathroom soaps and
is impossible to smear.
22
00:01:04,665 --> 00:01:07,666
Thanks, Dad!
This really ruins it!
23
00:01:07,668 --> 00:01:09,401
What will you
be having, sir?
24
00:01:09,403 --> 00:01:12,004
Yes, I'll have what I had last
time: pheasant on the glass.
25
00:01:12,006 --> 00:01:13,906
Don't you mean
"pheasant under glass"?
26
00:01:13,908 --> 00:01:15,174
Nope.
27
00:01:15,176 --> 00:01:17,242
(chirping)
28
00:01:17,244 --> 00:01:21,313
Yeah. Now turn around
and lay an egg on the glass.
29
00:01:23,417 --> 00:01:25,684
Aw, yeah.
30
00:01:25,686 --> 00:01:29,455
I defy you to tell me
exactly what's wrong with this.
31
00:01:33,094 --> 00:01:35,561
Oh, Peter, look.
You can put your business card
32
00:01:35,563 --> 00:01:37,563
in this bowl
and maybe win a free lunch.
33
00:01:37,565 --> 00:01:39,398
I don't have a
business card.
34
00:01:39,400 --> 00:01:41,600
And I think
you knew that.
35
00:01:41,602 --> 00:01:43,035
I hope you enjoyed
your meal, sir.
36
00:01:43,037 --> 00:01:44,403
May I offer you
a toothpick?
37
00:01:44,405 --> 00:01:45,971
Oh, I-I don't know.
38
00:01:45,973 --> 00:01:48,073
We've already spent
a lot of money in here tonight.
39
00:01:48,075 --> 00:01:50,843
No, sir, it-it's free.
40
00:01:52,446 --> 00:01:54,947
Oh!
41
00:01:58,052 --> 00:02:00,052
Peter, that's not
how you use a toothpick.
42
00:02:00,054 --> 00:02:01,553
You pick your teeth
with it.
43
00:02:01,555 --> 00:02:04,123
I cannot believe
I have to explain this to you.
44
00:02:04,125 --> 00:02:07,192
There are gaps in my knowledge.
This is hardly news.
45
00:02:08,796 --> 00:02:10,996
Wow, this is awesome!
46
00:02:10,998 --> 00:02:13,465
This is like
I'm having a whole second meal!
47
00:02:15,803 --> 00:02:18,070
Man, this just feels right.
48
00:02:18,072 --> 00:02:21,140
That's it. From here on out, I
am about all things toothpick.
49
00:02:21,142 --> 00:02:23,642
I'm gonna go everywhere with
it, always be chewing on it,
50
00:02:23,644 --> 00:02:25,410
and start all my
sentences with,
51
00:02:25,412 --> 00:02:27,246
"All right, here's
what you're gonna do."
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00:02:27,248 --> 00:02:28,981
Excuse me, we're
from out of town.
53
00:02:28,983 --> 00:02:31,617
Where do people go to listen
to live music around here?
54
00:02:31,619 --> 00:02:33,619
I'll handle this. All right,
here's what you're gonna do.
55
00:02:33,621 --> 00:02:35,454
Skip the live music.
Get yourself a room
56
00:02:35,456 --> 00:02:37,623
over at the Wickford Marina.
Take her out on a balcony,
57
00:02:37,625 --> 00:02:39,825
point to any boat in the harbor,
and tell her it's yours.
58
00:02:39,827 --> 00:02:41,960
Now, you got rubbers?
Now that I'm a toothpick guy,
59
00:02:41,962 --> 00:02:43,962
I call 'em rubbers.
Or you could just pull the hose
60
00:02:43,964 --> 00:02:46,265
out of the bucket
and let it spray free.
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00:02:46,267 --> 00:02:48,567
I've had a vasectomy.
62
00:02:51,338 --> 00:02:54,006
Chris, now that I'm a toothpick
guy, it's my job to sit
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00:02:54,008 --> 00:02:56,008
on a BMX bike
outside the rec center
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00:02:56,010 --> 00:02:58,477
and ask every kid
if they're the new kid.
65
00:02:58,479 --> 00:03:00,479
Hey. You the new kid?
66
00:03:00,481 --> 00:03:02,147
Why?
Never mind why.
67
00:03:02,149 --> 00:03:03,649
Got any cool toys?
68
00:03:03,651 --> 00:03:05,217
Uh, I got an Xbox.
69
00:03:05,219 --> 00:03:07,686
How about you?
I got a Barbie
with a wiener on it.
70
00:03:07,688 --> 00:03:10,689
Took a thumb from a G.I. Joe,
put it on with superglue.
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00:03:10,691 --> 00:03:12,991
Looks pretty real.
Real enough, anyways.
72
00:03:12,993 --> 00:03:14,960
Does the job.
Does what job?
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00:03:14,962 --> 00:03:16,662
You get it.
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00:03:16,664 --> 00:03:19,331
My family moves around a lot
'cause I do stuff like this.
75
00:03:19,333 --> 00:03:20,832
Um, okay.
76
00:03:20,834 --> 00:03:22,701
I got to go now.
You sure you don't want
77
00:03:22,703 --> 00:03:24,670
to come over and pull
on my cat's nipples?
78
00:03:24,672 --> 00:03:28,073
We can do anything,
'cause my mom has two jobs.
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00:03:30,044 --> 00:03:31,543
All right,
I'm off to the fish market.
80
00:03:31,545 --> 00:03:33,145
What? Why?
81
00:03:33,147 --> 00:03:35,214
Well, the most intimidating
people are toothpick guys
82
00:03:35,216 --> 00:03:37,382
who work at seafood counters
and make people uncomfortable
83
00:03:37,384 --> 00:03:39,318
for not knowing
about fish.
84
00:03:39,320 --> 00:03:40,752
What's good here?
It's all good.
85
00:03:40,754 --> 00:03:42,321
What's the freshest?
It's all fresh.
86
00:03:42,323 --> 00:03:44,389
How 'bout the halibut?
Is it gamey?
Gamey?
87
00:03:44,391 --> 00:03:46,692
I mean, you know,
is it fishy?
It's all fish.
88
00:03:46,694 --> 00:03:49,394
Is there a special way
to prepare it?
I'd cook it up.
89
00:03:49,396 --> 00:03:51,029
W-Well, what's
the best fish here?
90
00:03:51,031 --> 00:03:52,664
What's your favorite fish?
91
00:03:52,666 --> 00:03:55,133
I don't eat fish.
I only like spaghetti.
92
00:03:59,440 --> 00:04:01,873
Ugh, when are you gonna
get rid of that toothpick?
93
00:04:01,875 --> 00:04:04,376
It's disgusting,
and it's starting to smell.
94
00:04:04,378 --> 00:04:06,445
Why would I give it up?
It's getting me tons of tail.
95
00:04:06,447 --> 00:04:07,446
What?
96
00:04:07,448 --> 00:04:08,680
And check this out.
97
00:04:08,682 --> 00:04:10,949
The rare triple toothpick flip.
98
00:04:12,753 --> 00:04:16,188
(choking)
99
00:04:16,190 --> 00:04:18,423
Oh, my God,
are you all right?
100
00:04:18,425 --> 00:04:20,259
(coughs)
No, I swallowed it!
101
00:04:20,261 --> 00:04:22,027
My toothpick! It's gone!
102
00:04:22,029 --> 00:04:24,096
Damn it! I'm gonna need
you to put that large
103
00:04:24,098 --> 00:04:25,731
two-handed colander
over the toilet.
104
00:04:25,733 --> 00:04:27,733
Peter, that was
a wedding present from my aunt.
105
00:04:27,735 --> 00:04:29,134
Well, let's use
the ice cream maker!
106
00:04:29,136 --> 00:04:30,569
We've never used it once!
107
00:04:30,571 --> 00:04:33,305
Calm down. You can always
get another toothpick.
108
00:04:33,307 --> 00:04:34,906
Oh, my God, you're right!
109
00:04:34,908 --> 00:04:36,408
Lois, we got to drive
to Smitty's right now
110
00:04:36,410 --> 00:04:38,210
and get one.
Now?
111
00:04:38,212 --> 00:04:41,613
But we told Chris we'd be there
when he wakes up from surgery.
112
00:04:42,883 --> 00:04:45,384
All right, we were able
to fix your hernia,
113
00:04:45,386 --> 00:04:47,786
but you've got to stop
lifting sewer hole covers.
114
00:04:47,788 --> 00:04:49,454
But the Ninja Turtles
live down there.
115
00:04:49,456 --> 00:04:50,789
I'm friends with them.
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00:04:50,791 --> 00:04:52,891
Hey, fat ass,
I brought you flowers.
117
00:04:52,893 --> 00:04:55,627
But stay out of the sewers!
We're trying to work down there.
118
00:04:55,629 --> 00:04:57,896
Thanks, Donatello!
119
00:04:57,898 --> 00:04:59,631
(tires screech)
120
00:04:59,633 --> 00:05:01,066
Oh, thank God!
121
00:05:01,068 --> 00:05:02,934
Quick, we need
another toothpick!
122
00:05:02,936 --> 00:05:06,371
Thank you, Maurice.
123
00:05:15,349 --> 00:05:18,016
Just get your toothpick
and let's get out of here.
124
00:05:18,018 --> 00:05:19,418
Ugh. No, thanks.
125
00:05:19,420 --> 00:05:21,787
That old lady has ruined
toothpicks for me.
126
00:05:21,789 --> 00:05:23,989
Just like how Meg
ruined broccoli.
127
00:05:23,991 --> 00:05:25,991
Hey, Meg, look,
they're little trees!
128
00:05:25,993 --> 00:05:27,292
No, they're not.
129
00:05:27,294 --> 00:05:29,494
They're not?!
130
00:05:29,496 --> 00:05:31,963
Hey, Peter!
131
00:05:31,965 --> 00:05:34,633
Oh, look, there's Quagmire
and his transgendered mother,
132
00:05:34,635 --> 00:05:37,669
which is now great.
133
00:05:37,671 --> 00:05:39,171
Hey, Quagmire. Hey, Ida.
134
00:05:39,173 --> 00:05:40,839
I didn't know
you liked Smitty's.
135
00:05:40,841 --> 00:05:42,507
Oh, yeah, I've been
coming here for ages.
136
00:05:42,509 --> 00:05:44,276
They even named a sandwich
after me.
137
00:05:44,278 --> 00:05:46,678
It's an inside-out hot dog
slathered in ketchup.
138
00:05:46,680 --> 00:05:48,680
Please, please
join us.
139
00:05:48,682 --> 00:05:51,683
Oh, we wouldn't want
to interrupt your brave dinner.
140
00:05:51,685 --> 00:05:53,485
Nonsense, we're happy
to have you.
141
00:05:53,487 --> 00:05:55,053
All right,
but we already ate dinner,
142
00:05:55,055 --> 00:05:58,657
so maybe just an iceberg wedge,
a steak and some sides.
143
00:05:58,659 --> 00:06:01,026
And then I said something random
that suggested
144
00:06:01,028 --> 00:06:02,694
a whole crazy story!
145
00:06:02,696 --> 00:06:05,030
(laughter)
146
00:06:05,032 --> 00:06:07,032
Oh, God, that's
hilarious, Lois.
147
00:06:07,034 --> 00:06:08,867
I could listen to
you talk all night.
148
00:06:08,869 --> 00:06:11,470
Yeah, but we got to get going.
Carter's our babysitter,
149
00:06:11,472 --> 00:06:14,639
and if he's with the kids too
long, they start saying racisms.
150
00:06:14,641 --> 00:06:16,641
Aw, I wish the fun
didn't have to end.
151
00:06:16,643 --> 00:06:19,211
I always enjoy spending time
with you two.
152
00:06:19,213 --> 00:06:21,012
Well, why don't you
come over tomorrow?
153
00:06:21,014 --> 00:06:24,349
We'll fire up the grill and have
the gang over for a cookout.
154
00:06:24,351 --> 00:06:26,752
Well, that
sounds wonderful.
Well, great, we'll be there!
155
00:06:26,754 --> 00:06:28,687
Hey, before you two
leave, let's take a photo.
156
00:06:28,689 --> 00:06:31,022
Yeah! Selfie!
(laughs)
157
00:06:31,024 --> 00:06:33,458
I just learned that word.
158
00:06:36,397 --> 00:06:38,897
Perfect! Well, good
night, you guys.
159
00:06:38,899 --> 00:06:41,233
See you tomorrow,
hashtags!
160
00:06:41,235 --> 00:06:43,635
You're not doing
that right.
161
00:06:47,074 --> 00:06:49,508
Boy, that Lois is really
something, isn't she?
162
00:06:49,510 --> 00:06:52,411
Yeah. Peter's a lucky guy.
163
00:06:52,413 --> 00:06:54,379
Glenn, do you...
164
00:06:54,381 --> 00:06:56,381
do you have feelings for her?
165
00:06:56,383 --> 00:06:57,749
What? (scoffs)
166
00:06:57,751 --> 00:06:58,750
No.
167
00:06:58,752 --> 00:07:00,185
A mother always knows.
168
00:07:00,187 --> 00:07:02,187
You like to play the
field, but, deep down,
169
00:07:02,189 --> 00:07:04,923
you really wish you had a
woman like Lois, don't you?
170
00:07:04,925 --> 00:07:07,125
No, I don't want a woman
like Lois.
171
00:07:07,127 --> 00:07:08,860
I want Lois.
172
00:07:08,862 --> 00:07:10,962
She's perfect.
I've loved her for years.
173
00:07:10,964 --> 00:07:13,465
She's warm and kind
and beautiful.
174
00:07:13,467 --> 00:07:15,934
I've never been so in love
with anyone.
175
00:07:15,936 --> 00:07:17,769
Glenn, that's
very sweet,
176
00:07:17,771 --> 00:07:20,272
but you're talking about
your best friend's wife.
177
00:07:20,274 --> 00:07:21,873
I know, I know.
It's wrong.
178
00:07:21,875 --> 00:07:23,275
And Peter's
a good friend.
179
00:07:23,277 --> 00:07:25,210
Not like Cleveland.
180
00:07:25,212 --> 00:07:27,279
Hey, I got two
of these phone books.
181
00:07:27,281 --> 00:07:28,880
Didn't know
if you wanted one.
182
00:07:28,882 --> 00:07:31,049
Hey, how long
have we known each other?
183
00:07:31,051 --> 00:07:35,053
Long time. And yet we've never
discussed mothers' maiden names,
184
00:07:35,055 --> 00:07:38,290
the names of old pets,
high school mascots,
185
00:07:38,292 --> 00:07:39,658
favorite teachers.
186
00:07:39,660 --> 00:07:41,126
Heck, I don't even know
187
00:07:41,128 --> 00:07:42,727
the last four digits
of your Social.
188
00:07:42,729 --> 00:07:44,563
Cleveland, do you need
to borrow some money?
189
00:07:44,565 --> 00:07:46,798
I do!
They're gonna kill Donna!
190
00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:49,801
Really?
No. I just want
to buy a man's fur coat.
191
00:07:49,803 --> 00:07:51,636
Get out of here.
192
00:07:53,006 --> 00:07:54,339
(distant knocking)
193
00:07:54,341 --> 00:07:56,107
(door opens in distance)
Hey, Peter,
194
00:07:56,109 --> 00:07:57,943
I had an extra
phone book, and I...
195
00:07:57,945 --> 00:08:00,312
PETER: I'm not buying you
that coat!
(door slams)
196
00:08:03,784 --> 00:08:05,317
(snoring)
197
00:08:07,254 --> 00:08:08,920
(coughing)
Huh? Who? What?
198
00:08:08,922 --> 00:08:10,922
Yeah, what? What? Which
doggy in what window?
199
00:08:10,924 --> 00:08:12,591
So, how'd everything go?
200
00:08:12,593 --> 00:08:14,426
Hard to tell. I was
coughing the whole time.
201
00:08:14,428 --> 00:08:16,428
By the way, I couldn't figure
out how to use your oven,
202
00:08:16,430 --> 00:08:18,163
so I destroyed it
in a blind rage.
203
00:08:18,165 --> 00:08:19,965
Well, good night.
204
00:08:19,967 --> 00:08:23,969
Ooh, after that steak, I got
to go lay down on the toilet.
205
00:08:23,971 --> 00:08:25,804
(phone vibrates)
206
00:08:25,806 --> 00:08:27,639
Huh. Looks like I got
a couple of messages.
207
00:08:27,641 --> 00:08:29,808
(banging noises over phone)
STEWIE (recorded): Uh, Dad? Dad?
208
00:08:29,810 --> 00:08:31,309
Grandpa's going nuts
on the oven.
209
00:08:31,311 --> 00:08:32,544
Can you come home quick?
210
00:08:32,546 --> 00:08:34,045
Who the hell is that?
211
00:08:34,047 --> 00:08:36,314
Huh. There's one from Quagmire.
212
00:08:36,316 --> 00:08:37,949
(muffled conversation)
213
00:08:37,951 --> 00:08:39,484
Huh, must've
pocket-dialed me again.
214
00:08:39,486 --> 00:08:41,987
QUAGMIRE:
I want Lois. She's perfect.
215
00:08:41,989 --> 00:08:43,555
I've loved her for years.
216
00:08:43,557 --> 00:08:46,157
She's warm and kind
and beautiful.
217
00:08:46,159 --> 00:08:48,159
I've never been so in love
with anyone.
218
00:08:48,161 --> 00:08:50,495
Oh, my God!
219
00:08:50,497 --> 00:08:52,397
Quagmire's in love with my wife?
220
00:08:52,399 --> 00:08:54,232
(phone vibrates)
Hello?
221
00:08:54,234 --> 00:08:56,234
LOIS: Peter, I'm having troubles
on the toilet.
222
00:08:56,236 --> 00:08:57,702
Bring the ice cream maker.
223
00:09:04,478 --> 00:09:06,978
Brian, there's something I
got to talk to you about.
224
00:09:06,980 --> 00:09:09,080
Quagmire pocket-dialed
me last night.
225
00:09:09,082 --> 00:09:11,182
You got to hear this.
226
00:09:11,184 --> 00:09:13,351
QUAGMIRE:
I want Lois. She's perfect.
227
00:09:13,353 --> 00:09:14,819
I've loved her for years.
228
00:09:14,821 --> 00:09:16,221
Oh, my God!
229
00:09:16,223 --> 00:09:17,856
He's in love with Lois?
230
00:09:17,858 --> 00:09:19,524
Yeah, and if you keep
listening, you can hear
231
00:09:19,526 --> 00:09:22,060
a Puerto Rican busboy get
fired in the background.
232
00:09:22,062 --> 00:09:23,395
It's pretty funny.
He cries.
233
00:09:23,397 --> 00:09:24,696
But can you
believe Quagmire?!
234
00:09:24,698 --> 00:09:26,364
Well, I guess
it's not that shocking.
235
00:09:26,366 --> 00:09:29,100
I mean, he has said 100 times
that he wants to bang Lois.
236
00:09:29,102 --> 00:09:31,269
No, no, no, that's just
Quagmire being a horn-dog.
237
00:09:31,271 --> 00:09:33,071
This is love.
I don't know.
238
00:09:33,073 --> 00:09:35,206
I think you're making
too big a deal out of this.
239
00:09:35,208 --> 00:09:37,509
Too big a deal?! The guy's
been sitting next to me
240
00:09:37,511 --> 00:09:39,210
all these years,
acting like he's my friend,
241
00:09:39,212 --> 00:09:41,446
when all he really wants
is to be with my wife!
242
00:09:41,448 --> 00:09:43,181
Geez, calm down.
No, I'm telling you,
243
00:09:43,183 --> 00:09:45,250
he's gonna try to take
Lois away from me.
244
00:09:45,252 --> 00:09:47,218
You know what? I'm going
over there right now
245
00:09:47,220 --> 00:09:50,021
and hit him with a shovel, like
a white trash YouTube girl.
246
00:09:50,023 --> 00:09:51,523
Peter, wait, wait.
Listen.
247
00:09:51,525 --> 00:09:53,458
Delete that message
and pretend you never heard it.
248
00:09:53,460 --> 00:09:54,926
What? Why?
249
00:09:54,928 --> 00:09:56,795
Because you weren't meant
to hear it.
250
00:09:56,797 --> 00:09:59,464
If you act on this, all you'll
do is wreck your friendship
251
00:09:59,466 --> 00:10:01,299
and cause heartache
for everyone involved.
252
00:10:01,301 --> 00:10:03,401
What, so what am I supposed
to do, just ignore it?
253
00:10:03,403 --> 00:10:04,436
Yeah. Ignore it.
254
00:10:04,438 --> 00:10:06,538
Like you do with the ghost
of that colonial woman
255
00:10:06,540 --> 00:10:08,239
who died
falling down our stairs.
256
00:10:08,241 --> 00:10:12,377
(moaning): I saw
you eat a crayon.
257
00:10:12,379 --> 00:10:14,746
It was purple.
I thought it was grape.
258
00:10:14,748 --> 00:10:16,881
Look, you've got to be
the bigger man.
259
00:10:16,883 --> 00:10:18,883
You got to just keep this
to yourself.
260
00:10:18,885 --> 00:10:20,952
(sighs) Fine, I
won't say anything.
261
00:10:20,954 --> 00:10:23,088
Good. And don't be
passive-aggressive, either.
262
00:10:23,090 --> 00:10:25,924
Like one of those songs
in an old musical.
263
00:10:25,926 --> 00:10:27,125
(jaunty melody plays)
264
00:10:27,127 --> 00:10:29,494
♪ You're hideous ♪
265
00:10:29,496 --> 00:10:31,062
♪ To be without ♪
266
00:10:31,064 --> 00:10:32,731
♪ You're big and fat ♪
267
00:10:32,733 --> 00:10:34,499
♪ In the heart,
no doubt ♪
268
00:10:34,501 --> 00:10:36,267
♪ You're a horrible loss ♪
269
00:10:36,269 --> 00:10:38,336
♪ If you won't be my wife ♪
270
00:10:38,338 --> 00:10:40,572
♪ You're a raging,
continuous ♪
271
00:10:40,574 --> 00:10:43,742
♪ Love in my life... ♪
272
00:10:50,283 --> 00:10:51,750
Pretty good turnout
for this thing.
273
00:10:51,752 --> 00:10:54,152
Oh, yeah, Mort
and Neil Goldman.
274
00:10:54,154 --> 00:10:56,154
It's like Coachella.
275
00:10:59,593 --> 00:11:01,292
There's that son of a bitch.
276
00:11:01,294 --> 00:11:03,294
He's got some nerve
showing up here.
277
00:11:03,296 --> 00:11:05,163
Peter, remember what
we talked about.
278
00:11:05,165 --> 00:11:06,865
Look at them clouds
up there.
279
00:11:06,867 --> 00:11:08,466
Yeah, that one
look like Nathan.
280
00:11:08,468 --> 00:11:10,101
That one look
like Shawn.
281
00:11:10,103 --> 00:11:11,636
And there go Wanya
over there.
282
00:11:11,638 --> 00:11:14,639
How blessed are we to have
all them Boyz II Men
283
00:11:14,641 --> 00:11:16,941
just floating around
in the sky?
284
00:11:16,943 --> 00:11:18,810
Glenn! Ida!
You made it!
285
00:11:18,812 --> 00:11:21,479
Hey, Lois. I brought the
hamburger buns, like you wanted.
286
00:11:21,481 --> 00:11:23,014
I wasn't sure
what people like,
287
00:11:23,016 --> 00:11:25,383
so I got some with seeds on them
and some without.
288
00:11:25,385 --> 00:11:27,519
What does he mean
by that, "seeds"?
289
00:11:27,521 --> 00:11:29,354
Like semen?
Is that what he means?
290
00:11:29,356 --> 00:11:32,157
Semen on her buns.
Am I the only one hearing this?
291
00:11:32,159 --> 00:11:34,626
Get the hell away from my wife,
you scumbag!
292
00:11:34,628 --> 00:11:36,194
Peter, what are you
talking about?
293
00:11:36,196 --> 00:11:37,662
I'll tell you
what I'm talking about!
294
00:11:37,664 --> 00:11:38,997
I'm talking about this!
295
00:11:38,999 --> 00:11:40,865
PETER (recorded):
Idea for a movie.
296
00:11:40,867 --> 00:11:44,402
Fop Cop. It's a cop
who's, like, a fancy guy.
297
00:11:44,404 --> 00:11:46,471
Nobody heard that!
None of you take that!
298
00:11:46,473 --> 00:11:48,740
What I meant to play was this.
299
00:11:48,742 --> 00:11:50,875
QUAGMIRE:
I want Lois. She's perfect.
300
00:11:50,877 --> 00:11:52,677
I've loved her for years.
301
00:11:52,679 --> 00:11:55,313
Fop Cop.
That could work.
302
00:11:55,315 --> 00:11:57,382
Glenn...
i-is this true?
303
00:11:57,384 --> 00:11:59,984
Wait a minute, how the hell'd
you get that recording, Peter?
304
00:11:59,986 --> 00:12:02,020
You pocket-dialed me,
you bastard!
305
00:12:02,022 --> 00:12:03,822
Peter, that was a
private conversation.
306
00:12:03,824 --> 00:12:07,058
That doesn't change the fact
that you want to steal my wife!
307
00:12:07,060 --> 00:12:09,127
Hey, get your
hands off me!
308
00:12:10,063 --> 00:12:11,663
LOIS:
Oh, my God!
309
00:12:11,665 --> 00:12:13,331
JOE:
Oh, come on, you two.
CLEVELAND: Come on, now.
310
00:12:13,333 --> 00:12:14,566
Hey, what are y'all doing?
Stop! Stop it!
311
00:12:14,568 --> 00:12:15,767
Kill him, Dad!
312
00:12:15,769 --> 00:12:17,235
Murder him!
313
00:12:18,205 --> 00:12:19,871
(Quagmire and Peter grunting)
314
00:12:19,873 --> 00:12:21,706
That's it!
End of cookout!
315
00:12:21,708 --> 00:12:25,410
Get out of my house, and don't
ever speak to me again!
316
00:12:26,847 --> 00:12:28,847
Wow, that turned ugly fast.
317
00:12:28,849 --> 00:12:31,182
Just like my trip to Tampa Bay.
318
00:12:31,184 --> 00:12:34,352
Hey, city boy,
what's with the arm pants?
319
00:12:39,626 --> 00:12:41,760
QUAGMIRE:
I want Lois. She's perfect.
320
00:12:41,762 --> 00:12:43,461
I've loved her for years.
321
00:12:43,463 --> 00:12:45,563
(groans) You're still
listening to that thing?
322
00:12:45,565 --> 00:12:49,434
It's like, I can't even process
why he'd feel this way.
323
00:12:49,436 --> 00:12:51,770
Maybe... you know, maybe
play it one more time and...
324
00:12:51,772 --> 00:12:53,605
I can't believe this.
325
00:12:53,607 --> 00:12:55,440
I thought Quagmire
was my friend!
326
00:12:55,442 --> 00:12:57,442
Peter, it's not
that surprising.
327
00:12:57,444 --> 00:12:59,744
He's always had a
potent sex drive.
328
00:12:59,746 --> 00:13:02,380
Remember his
grandmother's funeral?
329
00:13:03,583 --> 00:13:05,450
(quietly):
Yeah, get it in there.
330
00:13:05,452 --> 00:13:07,118
Oh, I wish this was
about sex.
331
00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:09,721
If he was just home
busting one to his buddy's wife,
332
00:13:09,723 --> 00:13:11,456
hell, we've all done that.
333
00:13:11,458 --> 00:13:13,091
I've heard. Allegedly.
334
00:13:13,093 --> 00:13:15,093
But not often.
And never to Donna.
335
00:13:15,095 --> 00:13:17,095
Except when she wore
those shiny gold shorts
336
00:13:17,097 --> 00:13:18,263
to parent-teacher night.
337
00:13:18,265 --> 00:13:20,331
Oh, yeah, that
was hilarious.
338
00:13:20,333 --> 00:13:22,834
(laughs): Yeah, that was...
that was so tacky.
339
00:13:22,836 --> 00:13:25,904
But if Quagmire actually has
feelings for you,
340
00:13:25,906 --> 00:13:28,673
I'm afraid he might take you
away from me.
341
00:13:28,675 --> 00:13:31,075
Peter, nobody's
taking me anywhere.
342
00:13:31,077 --> 00:13:32,844
I love you.
343
00:13:32,846 --> 00:13:33,845
Mmm.
344
00:13:33,847 --> 00:13:35,680
I love you, too, Lois.
345
00:13:35,682 --> 00:13:37,749
Hey, you ever heard
any of the other wives
346
00:13:37,751 --> 00:13:39,117
saying they're
attracted to me?
347
00:13:39,119 --> 00:13:40,485
(laughs)
348
00:13:40,487 --> 00:13:42,987
No, um, not that
I recall, no.
349
00:13:42,989 --> 00:13:44,823
Look, now that
this is settled,
350
00:13:44,825 --> 00:13:47,091
maybe you and Glenn can
put this behind you.
351
00:13:47,093 --> 00:13:49,594
No way! How am I supposed
to be friends with someone
352
00:13:49,596 --> 00:13:50,995
who's in love with my wife?
353
00:13:50,997 --> 00:13:52,497
Quagmire is dead to me
354
00:13:52,499 --> 00:13:55,033
and needs to be dealt with
in an appropriate manner.
355
00:13:55,035 --> 00:13:57,135
Shame.
356
00:13:57,137 --> 00:13:58,937
Shame.
357
00:13:58,939 --> 00:14:00,371
Shame.
358
00:14:00,373 --> 00:14:01,539
(bell rings)
359
00:14:01,541 --> 00:14:02,941
Shame.
360
00:14:02,943 --> 00:14:05,844
(to "Chain of Fools"):
♪ Shame, shame, shame ♪
361
00:14:05,846 --> 00:14:08,880
♪ Shame on you-hoo ♪
362
00:14:08,882 --> 00:14:12,050
♪ Shame, shame, shame ♪
363
00:14:12,052 --> 00:14:13,852
♪ Shame on Q... ♪
364
00:14:13,854 --> 00:14:17,088
This was serious, but it
turned into something fun.
365
00:14:22,829 --> 00:14:25,129
Glenn? Is that you?
366
00:14:25,131 --> 00:14:26,497
Oh, yeah, yeah.
367
00:14:26,499 --> 00:14:29,534
I was just buying a...
a... grocery store cane.
368
00:14:29,536 --> 00:14:31,069
See you, Lois.
369
00:14:31,071 --> 00:14:33,037
Glenn, wait.
Look, if you and Peter
370
00:14:33,039 --> 00:14:36,207
aren't gonna talk this out,
you and I should.
371
00:14:36,209 --> 00:14:37,976
What's there
to talk about?
372
00:14:37,978 --> 00:14:40,178
Everyone knows I'm in love
with my best friend's wife.
373
00:14:40,180 --> 00:14:41,980
It's pathetic.
And humiliating.
374
00:14:41,982 --> 00:14:43,147
Glenn...
375
00:14:43,149 --> 00:14:45,049
I can't trust myself
around you.
376
00:14:45,051 --> 00:14:48,319
It's probably best if I...
just never see you again.
377
00:14:48,321 --> 00:14:50,555
Well, you can't just
avoid me forever.
378
00:14:50,557 --> 00:14:52,557
We live on
the same street.
379
00:14:52,559 --> 00:14:54,259
Mm.
380
00:14:54,261 --> 00:14:58,029
Well, then...
I know what I have to do.
381
00:14:58,031 --> 00:14:59,864
Good-bye, Lois.
382
00:14:59,866 --> 00:15:01,933
♪ ♪
383
00:15:07,774 --> 00:15:09,107
Oh, sour cream.
384
00:15:09,109 --> 00:15:10,575
You wanted me
to remind you.
385
00:15:10,577 --> 00:15:11,843
Sour cream.
386
00:15:15,849 --> 00:15:18,750
Mr. Quagmire, which box
do these beads go in?
387
00:15:18,752 --> 00:15:20,752
Let me smell 'em.
388
00:15:20,754 --> 00:15:22,453
They go in the big box.
389
00:15:22,455 --> 00:15:24,455
Quagmire, I can't
believe you're moving.
390
00:15:24,457 --> 00:15:27,225
Look, give it time--
this whole thing will blow over.
391
00:15:27,227 --> 00:15:28,726
No, it's too awkward.
392
00:15:28,728 --> 00:15:30,795
It's best for everyone
if I just leave.
393
00:15:30,797 --> 00:15:32,130
That's too bad.
394
00:15:32,132 --> 00:15:35,333
We never got to do
that "Joe-Quagmire" lunch.
395
00:15:38,038 --> 00:15:40,438
Well, that'll do it.
396
00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:43,074
Peter, Quagmire's
serious about this.
397
00:15:43,076 --> 00:15:45,143
You got to do something!
398
00:15:45,145 --> 00:15:46,544
You're right.
399
00:15:46,546 --> 00:15:47,745
Quagmire, wait!
400
00:15:47,747 --> 00:15:50,815
You almost left
without this!
401
00:15:56,056 --> 00:15:58,790
You want me to be the one
that says "jiggety" now?
402
00:16:06,066 --> 00:16:08,132
TV ANNOUNCER:
We now return to Dateline.
403
00:16:08,134 --> 00:16:10,735
Our story tonight:
The guy you think did it?
404
00:16:10,737 --> 00:16:11,803
He did it.
405
00:16:11,805 --> 00:16:13,104
Now go to bed.
406
00:16:13,106 --> 00:16:14,906
Your grandkids
are coming tomorrow.
407
00:16:18,845 --> 00:16:21,512
I had a pretty good
egg dish last night.
408
00:16:21,514 --> 00:16:24,916
What? What-what am I supposed
to do with that information?
409
00:16:24,918 --> 00:16:27,452
Well, I don't know.
Maybe ask me for the recipe?
410
00:16:27,454 --> 00:16:29,420
Do you have it?
No.
411
00:16:29,422 --> 00:16:31,456
So what's going on
with you guys?
412
00:16:31,458 --> 00:16:33,124
Nothing much.
413
00:16:33,126 --> 00:16:35,593
See, this is where Quagmire
normally would have told
414
00:16:35,595 --> 00:16:37,628
one of his
outrageous sex stories.
415
00:16:37,630 --> 00:16:40,765
Aw, we don't need him.
I got a sex story for you.
416
00:16:40,767 --> 00:16:42,633
So I'm banging this chick,
and she's saying to me,
417
00:16:42,635 --> 00:16:44,635
"I'm worried that Chris won't
get into college."
418
00:16:44,637 --> 00:16:46,270
And then I says to her,
419
00:16:46,272 --> 00:16:47,972
"Yeah, that seems like
a legitimate concern."
420
00:16:47,974 --> 00:16:50,842
And then I lost my wood,
and so we just watched Colbert,
421
00:16:50,844 --> 00:16:53,711
and then I took a dump
completely nude.
422
00:16:53,713 --> 00:16:55,580
Who else but Peter?
423
00:16:57,217 --> 00:16:59,884
Peter, face it-- without
Quagmire, we're boring.
424
00:16:59,886 --> 00:17:01,619
Oh, come on,
that ain't true.
425
00:17:01,621 --> 00:17:04,222
Yes, it is. He had
all the fun ideas.
426
00:17:04,224 --> 00:17:06,891
Remember? He even
took me parasailing.
427
00:17:08,828 --> 00:17:11,329
This is awesome!
It's like I'm flying!
428
00:17:11,331 --> 00:17:12,897
(whooping)
429
00:17:12,899 --> 00:17:15,633
I've never felt so alive!
430
00:17:15,635 --> 00:17:18,903
Oh, if only
I had a pair of legs.
431
00:17:20,540 --> 00:17:22,573
All right!
432
00:17:22,575 --> 00:17:25,209
(munching loudly)
433
00:17:25,211 --> 00:17:28,112
It was the fish part of me
that wanted 'em!
434
00:17:32,852 --> 00:17:34,352
(sighs)
435
00:17:34,354 --> 00:17:36,921
Look, Peter, I'm sorry
Quagmire moved away,
436
00:17:36,923 --> 00:17:39,891
but you can't just sit around
the house and drink all day.
437
00:17:39,893 --> 00:17:42,226
It's all your fault
Quagmire fell in love with you.
438
00:17:42,228 --> 00:17:44,362
Traipsin' around
in your tan pants
439
00:17:44,364 --> 00:17:46,931
and your green shirt
and your soothing voice.
440
00:17:46,933 --> 00:17:48,533
My fault?!
441
00:17:48,535 --> 00:17:50,268
Yeah, everything is messed up.
442
00:17:50,270 --> 00:17:52,904
I lost my best friend,
my buddies are all fighting,
443
00:17:52,906 --> 00:17:55,440
that chick at work is saying
stuff that ain't true.
444
00:17:55,442 --> 00:17:56,908
Okay, you know what?
445
00:17:56,910 --> 00:17:58,409
Enough feeling
sorry for yourself.
446
00:17:58,411 --> 00:18:00,545
We're fixing this now.
Get in the car.
447
00:18:00,547 --> 00:18:02,380
What? Why?
You'll see.
448
00:18:02,382 --> 00:18:04,382
Why should I trust you?
449
00:18:04,384 --> 00:18:06,951
You're always tricking me into
going places I don't want to.
450
00:18:06,953 --> 00:18:10,855
Oh. You said we were going
to a place Walt Disney built.
451
00:18:10,857 --> 00:18:13,357
No, Peter.
I said "supported."
452
00:18:13,359 --> 00:18:15,426
(bright fanfare playing,
fireworks whistling)
453
00:18:18,598 --> 00:18:21,299
LOIS: By the way,don't go on the train ride.
454
00:18:25,805 --> 00:18:27,738
I've been playing
a game I invented
455
00:18:27,740 --> 00:18:30,441
called "mini racquetball"
in your garage.
456
00:18:30,443 --> 00:18:32,610
Uh-huh.
It's pretty fun.
457
00:18:32,612 --> 00:18:34,445
He has not won
a single point.
458
00:18:34,447 --> 00:18:36,781
You don't have to win
to have fun.
459
00:18:36,783 --> 00:18:38,049
(knocking on door)
460
00:18:40,053 --> 00:18:41,085
Lois?
461
00:18:41,087 --> 00:18:42,920
Peter. Zod.
462
00:18:42,922 --> 00:18:45,656
Hey. You're parked behind
my trapezoid-thing.
463
00:18:45,658 --> 00:18:47,825
Yeah, yeah,
I'll move it in a sec.
464
00:18:47,827 --> 00:18:50,628
Glenn, all this nonsense
has to stop now.
465
00:18:50,630 --> 00:18:52,930
The only reason
this became an issue is because
466
00:18:52,932 --> 00:18:54,966
Peter heard something
he wasn't supposed to hear.
467
00:18:54,968 --> 00:18:56,801
CLEVELAND:
Guy from Superman lives here?!
468
00:18:56,803 --> 00:18:59,003
And the truth is,
we all have private thoughts
469
00:18:59,005 --> 00:19:02,006
we don't act on,
and that's okay.
470
00:19:02,008 --> 00:19:04,142
For instance, every time
I'm on the subway,
471
00:19:04,144 --> 00:19:06,310
I want to push a stranger
onto the tracks.
472
00:19:06,312 --> 00:19:07,345
And that's fine!
473
00:19:07,347 --> 00:19:08,946
I don't do it!
474
00:19:08,948 --> 00:19:10,748
I guess you're right.
475
00:19:10,750 --> 00:19:13,117
I don't totally disagree with
what Kim Jong-un's doing,
476
00:19:13,119 --> 00:19:14,952
but you don't see
me moving there.
477
00:19:14,954 --> 00:19:16,921
I take medicine
I get from the veterinarian.
478
00:19:16,923 --> 00:19:18,322
Is that one?
479
00:19:18,324 --> 00:19:20,258
No, no, it's not,
but the point is,
480
00:19:20,260 --> 00:19:22,193
we all have secret thoughts.
481
00:19:22,195 --> 00:19:24,795
But there's no reason they
should ruin our friendships.
482
00:19:24,797 --> 00:19:26,764
Sometimes I think about
going to the hospital
483
00:19:26,766 --> 00:19:28,332
and switching
the babies around.
484
00:19:28,334 --> 00:19:30,134
Somali pirates
seem cool, too.
485
00:19:30,136 --> 00:19:32,470
I wouldn't mind eating
the Phillie Phanatic.
486
00:19:32,472 --> 00:19:35,439
See? We're all
terrible people inside.
487
00:19:35,441 --> 00:19:37,642
Joe's a little worse
than the rest of us,
488
00:19:37,644 --> 00:19:40,545
but we all just shove
our thoughts deep down
489
00:19:40,547 --> 00:19:42,146
where they can't
hurt anybody.
490
00:19:42,148 --> 00:19:44,682
Huh, maybe you're right.
491
00:19:44,684 --> 00:19:46,450
Of course I'm right.
492
00:19:46,452 --> 00:19:49,287
The secret to happiness is
burying all your true feelings
493
00:19:49,289 --> 00:19:52,156
and living a life
of bland compromise.
494
00:19:52,158 --> 00:19:54,525
So here's the question, Glenn.
495
00:19:54,527 --> 00:19:58,396
Do you love Peter enough
to repress your love for me?
496
00:20:02,402 --> 00:20:05,670
Peter, if you're willing
to forget all about this,
497
00:20:05,672 --> 00:20:09,307
I'm more than happy to continue
hiding my true feelings.
498
00:20:09,309 --> 00:20:11,409
I do miss us
hanging out together.
499
00:20:11,411 --> 00:20:14,078
Huh. Sorry I kind of
went a little crazy.
500
00:20:14,080 --> 00:20:16,214
Ah, that's all right.
501
00:20:16,216 --> 00:20:18,683
And I'm sorry
I will always love your wife.
502
00:20:18,685 --> 00:20:20,151
Which I don't.
503
00:20:20,153 --> 00:20:21,586
Thank you, Glenn.
504
00:20:21,588 --> 00:20:22,687
All right!
505
00:20:22,689 --> 00:20:24,055
What do you say
we all celebrate
506
00:20:24,057 --> 00:20:26,424
with a game
of mini racquetball?
507
00:20:26,426 --> 00:20:29,860
Wait. Is mini racquetball
just Ping-Pong?
508
00:20:29,862 --> 00:20:31,629
Kind of.
509
00:20:35,101 --> 00:20:37,868
Boy, it's good to have
the gang together again.
510
00:20:37,870 --> 00:20:39,704
Yeah, welcome home, buddy.
511
00:20:39,706 --> 00:20:42,173
Man, I missed sitting around,
just shooting the breeze.
512
00:20:42,175 --> 00:20:44,175
Hey, so how'd you get
your house back?
513
00:20:44,177 --> 00:20:45,676
This ought to be good.
514
00:20:45,678 --> 00:20:47,111
I suspended escrow.
515
00:20:47,113 --> 00:20:48,446
Oh.
516
00:20:49,682 --> 00:20:53,050
Hey, guys, you know that egg
dish I was talking about?
517
00:20:53,052 --> 00:20:55,786
Turns out that was
just a dream I had.
518
00:21:31,791 --> 00:21:34,859
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