All language subtitles for Family.Guy.S14E05.Peter.Chris.and.Brian.1080p.WEB-DL.DD5.1.H.264-CtrlHD

♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

ANNOUNCER:
Hey, guys, do you like beer,

but can't
get drunk from beer?

Then try new Vodka Beer.

The can says "beer,"

but inside is 12 ounces
of carbonated vodka.

And the best part is,
your wife will never know.

Honey, I'm so proud of you,

cutting down to one
beer a night.

(slurring):
Take off your underwear.

She don't know.

I got the mail.

Hey, does an octopus
live here?

Peter, that says
"occupant."

Oh, that's too bad.

That would've
been awesome.

Oh, look, Peter.

Here's something from
your mother's estate.

Oh, looks like they finally
sold her house.

And the last white domino
in that neighborhood falls.

Wow, they sold it?

So that means the house

and everything inside
of it is gone?

Oh, sweetheart.

You thinking about all the good
times you had there?

No, I'm thinking about
my teenage porn stash.

It's still hidden
in the house.

Oh, okay, but I know this
is really about the memories.

Lactating sluts
on box springs.

The-The-The special times
growing up...

Bikini black chicks
sneezing.

Lois, stop making him
reminisce about stuff.

You don't understand, Lois.

A boy's first collection
of nudie books

and girlie movies
is a sacred thing.

It can't fall into
a stranger's hands.

This is very serious.

I'm taking us to DEFCON 4.

(sign buzzes)

What happens when
it hits DEFCON 1?

We see a dog wearing a wig.

Aw, heck, let's see that anyway.

(Peter chuckles)

That's not even a lady dog.

Hey, Peter, what's wrong?
You've been real quiet.

I don't know,
Quagmire.

I keep thinking
of my old pornos.

It's like I'm reminded
of them everywhere I look.

You've been looking
at Cleveland a lot.

Plus, you know, when
people find that box,

they won't know that, like,
for some of them magazines,

I just had them as,
like, a joke.

You know, not 'cause, like,
I was really into it.

Just the opposite.

For some of them
magazines.

Okay.

I'm going to be
arrested for sure.

Peter, I know exactly
where you're coming from.

You, Quagmire?

You enjoy
pornography, too?

Yup, and I know that
a man's porn collection

must be secured and
protected at all costs,

until he gets
ashamed of it

and ditches it in an alley
behind a Kroger's.

Hey, I know!

What if we break into
my old house

and steal back
my big box of pornos?

What do you say?
You guys with me?

You bet.
Sure thing, Peter.

I mean, come on,
we're a team.

Like fish and chips
and fat guys.

I want the double cheeseburger,

but I'm gonna go healthy
and get the fish and chips.

ANNOUNCER :
Fish and chips!

(singing jauntily):

(crickets chirping)

Okay, you all
remember the plan--

we walk up wearing
our Bill Cosby masks...

Peter, that's
President Obama.

Oh, did I just
do a racism?

(knocking on window)

Hello? Can I help
you gentlemen?

Hi.

You guys have been sitting
in front of my house

for the last five hours
trying on Obama masks.

Is there something
I can do for you?

We, uh... we-we were
just getting ready

to break into your house.

Excuse me?

Oh, hey, cool shirt.

What?
Oh, thank you.

Look, what's this all about?

This guy used to live
in your house

and a box of his old porn
is still hidden in there.

We were gonna break in
and take it.

And I was gonna stay
with the rental van

because it's my name
what's on the contract.

Oh. Well, you could've just
knocked on the door and asked.

I don't want that stuff,
I've got kids.

Get it out of there!

Really? Awesome!

Oh, well that was easier
than a game of Pai Gow poker.

Pai gow.
You lose again!

That was awesome!

I can't believe these tables
are always empty.

You play again?
Nope, out of money.

I'm just gonna wait
for my drink.

Who had the full glass
of Goldschlager?

Ah. Sorry, can't tip.

I'm gonna take this
up to my room.

Uhp, on the wrong floor.

(vacuum whirring)

Almost time for lunch.

Ah...

How was everything?

Delicious.

The prime rib
was mostly fat.

Should I charge it
to your room?

No, I had to check out,

even though my
flight's not until midnight.

Now, how does one with no money
get to the airport?

(horn honking)

(truck honking)

(grunting)

Hey, buddy, you're
blocking the outlet.

Oh, sorry.
There was no chairs.

Hi, Peter.
How was Vegas?

Oh, it's the best.

Sweet.

Now, which movie
should I start with?

"Back-Door Sluts 4."

Eh, I haven't
seen the first three,

I wouldn't know what's going on.

Here we go.

I want to watch
all of these movies, nonstop.

I don't want to watch
any more of these movies, ever.

Hey, Brian, you want to go for
a ride to behind the Kroger's?

What?

That's weird. What's that?

Hello, Future Peter.
Hi.

By the time you watch this,
you'll be a grown-up,

so I'm sure you're allowed
to eat ice cream

and pizza for every meal.
You know it.

Also, I bet you're
a big important doctor

like that Doogie Howser kid
who's getting so much ass.

Well, I was partly right.

I just hope to God

you're not stuck
in some loser job,

like in a brewery,
or a toy factory,

or a fishing boat.
Oh, boy.

But, you know, I don't have
to worry about none of that.

I'm sure you're
a big, successful doctor.

Anyway, here's some
Conway Twitty.

♪ I know it's only
make believe... ♪

This is annoying.

I don't want
to sit through this.

Man, I guess I ain't the big
success I thought I'd be.

I know what
you mean, Peter.

When I was young,
I thought that someday

I'd produce upworthy
web content.

Am I doing it? Yes.

But not everyone
is so lucky.

(sighs)
Damn it, I suck.

I've never done
anything important.

Well, except for when I beat
Larry Bird for a Big Mac.

Off the floor,
off the scoreboard,

off the backboard,
no rim.

♪ ♪

Right near the basket,
underhanded,

effeminate gasp,
over the backboard,

out of bounds, waddle
over to get it,

slip on a towel,
twist my ankle,

go to the emergency room,

doctors tell me
it's not that bad

and I shouldn't
have come there,

I make them give me
a cast anyway,

never play sports again.

Hey, I won
the two-dollar sandwich.

(crickets chirping)

♪ Highway
to the danger zone... ♪

Look at me.

I was beautiful.

What are you
watching?

It's just a teenage loser
who didn't realize

he had no future
in front of him.

Well, when you're
done with this,

Stewie is trapped between
his crib and the wall.

STEWIE:
Help. Somebody help!

He's watching
an old video.

STEWIE:
Okay, when he's done then.

♪ ...Danger zone ♪

♪ Gonna take you
right into the danger zone... ♪

Oh, my God!

He's just rhyming "danger zone"
with "danger zone."

Holy crap!

Chris, I was
just like you!

What?

Listen to me, Chris.

I'm a failure in life,
and that's all I'll ever be.

But it's not too late for you.

I won't let you go down my path.

What are you saying, Dad?

I'm saying, Chris,
I am going to make sure

that you grow up
to be a success.

Yeah, I'm going to be
a success!

Uh, would you excuse me
for a moment?

Computer, what does
"success" mean?

Chris, let me know when you're
done with the computer.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

No TV for you, Chris.

TV is how stupid losers
spend their time.

Peter, what is this all about?

I'm trying to save
our son, Lois.

I don't want him
to end up like me--

dead-end job,
crappy house,

aging wife who's getting skinny
where fat's supposed to be,

and fat where skinny's
supposed to be.

Ha!
Meg, go to your room.

Look, Peter, I'm glad
you're thinking

about Chris' future,
but he's fine.

He's a perfectly
normal kid.

Are you crazy?
Look at him.

He's over there intentionally
giving himself a nosebleed.

Yay!
My nose is finally a woman!

Okay, so maybe he's a little
rough around the edges, but--

Oh, boy, a little
got in my mouth there.

Yeah, I'm gonna have
to wash this shirt.

Anyway, I'm going
to help Chris

become a big,
important success.

The same way Mumford turned
his son into a success.

Okay, Dad, heading out
to the concert.

Now, hold on a minute, son.

Where are your arm garters?

Your string tie?
Your woolen vest?

You look nothing like
a dry goods clerk

from the Garfield
administration.

But, Dad...

No buts! You're a Mumford.

Now get upstairs,

put on a jaunty
travelling hat,

and write the same song
25 times.

Okay, now, Chris, if you
want to be a success,

you gotta look worldly
and sophisticated.

And to do that, you got
to dress like Lenny Kravitz,

with little something from every
part of he world pinned on you.

Leather bracelets!
Nipple ring!

Zippers where zippers
shouldn't be!

Wilma Flintstone
pearl necklaces!

A fur shrug
with crocheted sleeves!

A hat on a hat!

A watch on your pinky toe!

And nothing says,

"Look at me, I've been places"

like two lit road flares
hanging from your sunglasses.

Hey, you look like
you've been places.

Stop looking at me!

I do not want
this attention!

Come on, Chris,
let's get out of here.

Uh, what are you doing?

Well, I been trying
to make Chris

less of a fat dummy,
and nothing seems to be working,

so now we're high-stepping
around in giant hats.

Tip of the giant hat, sir.

And to you, sir!

Yes, sir, smart day
to you, sir.

And I thank you, sir.

(yelps)

(cries)

I scraped my knee bad!

Get up, Chris, you're
embarrassing yourself.

You look stupid and fat.

Peter, I have to ask--

are you pushing
Chris so hard

because it's what's
best for him?

Or are you trying to make up
or your own disappointment

about how your life
turned out?

Brian, these are the biggest
hats I could find,

so if your point is that there's
even larger ones available,

I would greet that
with skepticism.

No, no, no, my point is
that you need to let Chris

find his own path.

(gasps)

Oh, my God,
you're right, Brian.

He needs to be pointed
to a very specific path.

And then forced to go down it.

No, no, that's-that's the
opposite of what I just said.

Chris, your best
chance for success

is to be cultured and
worldly, like our dog.

So starting right now,

you gotta follow Brian around
and do everything he does.

What?!
Come on, Brian.

You gotta show Chris how
to turn out better than me.

I mean, you went to Brown,

you're a published author,

you can hear it first when
Joe falls out of the tub.

That's starting
to happen more often.

But I guess you're right.

Maybe I am the guy
to make a diamond

out of this lump of coal.

But only if
it's what Chris wants.

I don't care.

All right, I'll do it.

Just follow
my lead, Chris.

'Cause I think you
could be something great.

Who knows?
Maybe you'll even become

one of those mission
control leaders

who gets all thoughtful
while everybody's celebrating.

Apollo 13, this is Mission
Control, do you copy?

Apollo 13, this is
Mission Control, do you copy?

Do you copy, Apollo 13?

(static hissing)

Mission Control,
this is Apollo 13.

We're all okay.
Good to be home.

(cheering)

(sighs)

Sir, you did it!

Sir, is everything okay?

Eh, I bought a Nook e-reader
a couple of years ago

and I'm still pissed about it.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Hey. Hey.

Chew that way.

Eh, dinner's no fun
without Chris here.

There's nobody here for me
to wing my biscuit at.

Well, Peter, he's been spending
an awful lot of time with Bri--

Eh, it's not
the same.

Anyway, he and Brian have been
spending a lot of time together.

Really? You're going
to let that slide?

Guy throws
a biscuit at you?

Good evening, all.

Apologies for being so tardy.

Aw, Chris,
you're not tardy.

We tested you twice.

There you guys are.
We were wondering about you.

Brian and I have been
having a blast.

First we went
to a symphony.

Then we saw a small
independent play

with real smoking in it.

And then we hit
the Quahog Book Festival

and went to a Q and A

to ask questions that
weren't really questions.

Wow, look at my sophisticated
young man.

You're certainly taking
to Brian's example.

If anything,
he's teaching me.

I mean, not really,
but you-you know.

Aw, see, I knew Brian

could put Chris on
the path to success.

Hey, Chris,
let's celebrate.

There's a new baby
panda at the zoo.

How about you and me
go chuck tater tots at it?

Chuck them at Lois.

She'll just sit there
and take it.

(chuckling):
Oh, Dad.

That would've been fine
for the old me,

but Brian and I
have to be going.

Oh. Okay.

Yeah, we're off to see
an old movie

on temporary screen
in a muddy, freezing park.

That sounds awful.

(chuckling):
It is awful.

But at least parking
will be impossible.

Bye!

Geez, I... feel like
I just... lost my son.

Aw, I got a skin tag in my crack

and it stings
when I don't wipe right.

This has been
a bad dinner.

There you two are.

Sit down and join us.

I can't stay, Mom.

Brian's showing me

all of his favorite
stuff to do.

Getting spooked when
the furnace goes on?

We're participating
in an autism walk.

Looks like you're
doing it right now.

And we may be gone a while,

'cause after that we're going
down to the Civic Center.

Michael Ian Black is cocking
his eyebrows for four hours.

Ha! He says the things
we don't care to say.

Bye!

Man, I'm sick of how much time
Chris is spending with Brian.

Probably smooching
pickles,

'cause they're a couple
of pickle smoochers.

It's like he ain't
even my son no more,

doing all that
fancy-pants stuff.

Oh, Peter,
I know you miss him,

but this is what
you wanted, isn't it?

Well, yeah, but I didn't
realize bettering himself

meant blowing off
his old man.

You know what?
The hell with this.

I want my son back.
Peter, relax.

Chris is just going
through a phase.

He'll grow out of it.

Just like you grew out of your
"Walk Like An Egyptian" phase.

Paul was a good man.

A good friend.

I'll... I'll always remember
how supportive he was when...

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I can't-I can't-
I can't do this.

Check it out, Lois--
when Chris notices

that "World's Greatest
Son" mug I made,

he'll be back on board with
his old man in no time.

Hey, Chris,
what's on the mug?

"World's Greatest Sun."

This world only has one sun.

What kind of idiot
made this mug?

♪ When everything's
made to be broken ♪

(crying)

♪ I just want you
to know who I am. ♪

(Pharrell William's
"Happy" begins)

♪ It might seems crazy
what I'm about to say... ♪

I'm very easily
influenced by music.

All right, Chris, now I know
you're all sophisticated now,

but no man can resist
the siren call

of mentally impaired
supermodel Kate Upton.

Mm, sorry, Dad.

I'm more of a Catherine
Keener man now.

But, Chris, you got
to take advantage.

The clock's ticking
on Kate Upton.

She's almost at the end
of her window.

(timer dings)

Yup, we missed it.

Come on, get out of here.

(grunting)

Sorry, Lois, I need the TV.

I gotta win my son back.

What are you
talking about, Peter?

Well, you know how
Brian's got Chris

watching all them fancy
foreign films now?

Well, I figure I can
lure Chris in

with this French movie--
Le Rocqué Trois.

(accordion plays Rocky theme
with French lilt)

ADRIENNE (French accent):
Rocqué!

ROCKY (French accent):
Adrienne!

Rocqué!
Adrienne!

MAN (French accent):
J'pité le fool.

ROCKY:
Oh, Clubbert Lange!

Peter, this
is pointless.

You wanted Chris
to be a better person

with a bright future,

and thanks to Brian,
that's what he has now.

Yeah, but, I don't even
recognize Chris these days.

And I never get
to spend time with him.

It's like Chris
ain't my friend no more.

Thanks for coming to the book
club meeting, everyone.

Well, I gotta say,
I loved this week's book--

Annie Proulx's
The Shipping News.

Yes, yes! Yes.

Very Portnoy's Complaint.

Uh, I don't... What, uh,
what do you mean by that?

Oh, you know, just
with... the-the port,

and the shipping.

And of course,
in Portnoy's Complaint

you've got the guy who's
living near the water...

That doesn't sound right.

...and he hated the noise
from the local port,

so he filed one of
the very first

port noise complaints
in maritime law.

And for those of us who
read the complaints,

trust me, they were
very warranted.

Brian, could I talk
to you over here?

Oh, let's dog-ear this
for a sec.

(chuckles)

This one gets it.

Brian, what the hell
are you talking about?

You clearly haven't read
either of those books.

Whoa, Chris, now you're starting
to sound like Mark Twain,

whose real name
was Samuel Clemens.

Oh, that is so your go-to!

I can't believe you.

I thought you were this
worldly, sophisticated guy,

but you're just a fraud--
like Moses.

And the Lord's Eleventh
Commandment--

"Moses gets to be
first in line at the buffet."

What?!
Oh, seriously?

I know, you guys,
it's so lame,

but that's what it says.

Why are you doing that?

Why are you hucking
tater tots at a baby panda?

'Cause I'm oddly
attracted to him

and it frightens me.

See, this is why
you're so great, Dad.

You don't pretend
to be someone you're not.

You do what you want, and you
don't care what anyone thinks.

Well, I-I care what you think.

Look, Chris, you're my kid,
and I want what's best for you,

but I guess
I just don't want you

to become too good
for your old man.

Don't worry, Dad.

I could never be
too good for you

because you're the best.

And I want to be just like you
when I grow up.

Really?
Aw, thanks, Chris.

Tater tot?

It's fun, right?
Yeah!

And the mama panda doesn't
do anything about it,

because she was blinded to make
her more submissive.

Ha-ha! You're right.

You know, Chris,
all this started

'cause I was feeling bad
about being a failure.

But you know what?
I got you for a son.

So maybe I did something right.

I love you, Dad.

Come on, Chris.

Let's go get an $18 Coke at
the terrible zoo restaurant.

Yay! Sticky tables
covered in bees!

Coming up, we'll tell you
where to look

when talking to a coworker
in the bathroom.

The answer
might surprise you.

Well, I think we all
learned something today.

In other news,
TVs still make noise,

even when people
resume their conversations.

Yes, studies have determined...
That's right, Peter.

And it's the most
important lesson.
(Tom continues)

Everyone should be
who they are.

Success is being
true to yourself.

Amen, Mom.
(Tom continues)

But to have the love of your
family, that's true success.

Let's go ahead and
turn off the TV.

TOM:
There we go.