Original subtitles

There's a light in my bed blowing it down.

She's talking for the bed, she's so loud.

Hey, Dwight, coming to Farmer's Market later?

Yeah, I wouldn't miss it. Tell me why.

Want a strawberry?

Organic? Of course.

So I'm almost done with my piece about the endangered belly button owl.

Patty says she'll put it in next week's paper if I have it in a photo in her

inbox by 8 o 'clock.

She only wants an original photo from Woodside Woods.

I'm slammed today, Jules. Hey, Dwight, you helping with a school fundraiser?

Sure am.

Bingo night?

You know it.

Please, Dwight. I'll be raising awareness for vanishing species.

I will dedicate my foot through to you someday.

I'll work it in. Yes!

You're the best!

Make sure to bring the prize basket to the multi -purpose room by 6 in

Cellophane. Will do, Mick.

Done, done, done, done.

Okay, Julia fell.

There you are.

Mortal enemy or harmless peasant?

Wait! Hold, your highness!

It worked.

Look around you.

Shall I kill this foe or not?

He is not a foe.

I regret to say, your highness, this is him.

Whom? The one. You know, the last hope. The only solution?

Him? The spell worked, princess.

This is the champion we've been waiting for.

This little wiggling worm.

Hey. It appears so. This mucusy little toad. Hey, whoa, whoa, why are they even

calling you? This little rabbit pellet is the one who spoke to the toad. Okay,

okay, okay.

We don't have to see eye to eye on everything. We can respect each other's

differences, right?

Yeah.

Get me another champion, Baldrick.

I dearly wish I could, but the rules of the spell are inflexible. It was his

kiss that woke you. Oh, no, no, no, no.

Hold up. I did not kiss her. Am I awake?

Then he kissed me. No, total accident. No, I fell on my face.

And you were under it.

Should have read the contract.

What?

By waking this princess with your kiss, you agree to perform the office and

function of her champion until her hordes of enemies are defeated.

Okay, you guys are obviously going through some stuff right now, and...

You're off your medication.

There is a gas leak. I don't know. You see, I can't make other people's

my problems. You see, I tend to do that, and it's not healthy or productive in

the long term. And plus, I'm already committed to the school fundraising

so...

What was that?

Troll.

What are you doing?

Lightheaded. I'm just stabilizing my breathing.

Get off your rump. These woods are crawling with my foes.

Who are you?

You have the honor of addressing Princess Greta, the besieged.

I am her court magician, Baldrick.

Okay, I'm Dwight.

Whoa.

Ow! Third Dwight, now.

Rise, champion, and run.

My enemies are everywhere.

Since when?

Since you kissed Princess Greta awake. I did not kiss her.

Queen Wafling.

Okay, yeah, sure.

It was because of these legions of enemies that we resorted to the champion

spell. We were besieged on all sides, barricaded in the castle, no hope of

rescue. So I cast a spell of last resort.

The champion spell is what put us all to sleep.

Princess Greta, myself.

And anyone else in these woods that day. The spell was designed to remain in

effect until a champion came.

Someone with the courage, the valor.

The skills to defeat the princess's hordes of enemies.

Instead, we got you.

So... So when I woke you up... With your kiss.

Accidental kiss.

You woke up everyone.

The spell is broken.

We're back.

Whither are we bound?

Woodside High.

What time is it?

The Royal Highness Princess Greta!

The Renaissance Fair is setting up right over there.

Dwight. I'll pay for this bill.

I'm really sorry.

Were you raised in the barn?

No. A cliffside fortress.

Then a desert fortress. A swamp fortress. An underground fortress. And

a forest fortress.

This is a spectacular poem.

People are staring at you. I'm starving.

I haven't eaten in... Over a thousand years.

Sorcery.

Okay.

Hey there.

Mortal enemy or harmless peasants? Those are going to kill the shrubs.

Whoa, whoa, okay, whoa, whoa, what is that?

This is Juliet.

Hey. Neil Winch, you are in the presence of her royal... No, no, no, no, that is

not how we are going to do this. This is my turf now, what we are going to call

nice, nice turf.

Oh, my gosh.

You've got the Shakespeare improv turf?

No, they're... Yeah, okay, yeah, we'll go with that.

I thought they were booked until June.

Good evening.

Welcome to our fair village.

We require wine and venison.

We don't have either of those things.

Here is your belly button now.

Whoa. Nice work, Dwight.

Come on. Let's go.

Bye.

What means this procession?

Bingo nights.

Bingo nights.

1031.

The Royal Highness!

David. Dumbledore.

Thanks for the call, boy. I'm so sorry, Nick. I was in the woods and I fell and

you're not going to believe it. Whatever. It doesn't matter.

Russell did the cell of fame.

Bingo. Congratulations.

Come on down and pick out a basket.

Food.

Move.

Oh, that'll be one dollar.

Insolent wench.

It is your great honor to feed Princess Greta. I got this.

Here.

What are you doing?

Caution! First, your highness.

Taste this.

No, it's pure carbs inside. Now we see if the poison takes effect.

No, nobody poisoned the Rice Krispie Treats. We shall see.

All right.

Are you in shame?

I am a princess, which means my life has been under constant threat since the

moment my mother birthed me.

Ew. I've been fighting for survival since I was old enough to hold a sword.

Well, how old was that?

Two.

Well, hey, Dwight. Who's your friend?

Oh, no, no, no.

Harmless peasant. Harmless peasant. So sorry, Charles. You okay? Yeah. You

Great.

Nice turf, remember?

So your childhood sucked.

Right? Your life is under constant threat. I get it, but not, and I repeat,

from the Glee Club president.

Every guy you see is not trying to kill you.

Okay,

that

guy's trying to kill you.

Don't call me.

What? You are not allowed to protect Frenchie's brother.

She's doing fine.

Okay, man. Hey, we all know violence is never the answer, right?

Save your breath, champion.

Champion? Him?

Sadly, yes.

This spineless tadpole?

I know.

This sniveling little weakling? Can we not do this again?

He'll return with her to the woods, to a world that is familiar.

Okay.

That's his plan.

What's yours?

If you were a proper champion, you would undertake the rescue yourself.

Well, as far as I'm concerned, I'm a freaking hero just for giving your butt

ride. Warrior Princess Girl is not my problem. Oh, but she is.

Your fate and hers became one the moment you kissed her. I did not kiss her. You

pressed your lips firmly against her. Okay, stop.

You are not only honor -bound to protect Princess Greta,

You are spellbound.

I'm going to hate what you say next time.

If the princess dies, so does her champion.

So I could die then?

What kind of nut job came up with that?

Oh, yes, I do.

As I said, it was a spell of last resort.

Call me... Sugar Plump.

Claude Wig?

None other, my darling. This is the happiest day of my life.

Release me this instant, Claude Wig. Honestly, I've tried to be nice.

Hark! Wedding bells.

Dearly beloved.

Good grief, you're not. We are gathered here for a most joyous event.

You've given him to my baby.

I'm giving him to you.

All you people are nuts, huh?

I will never marry you, Cloud Wake. But we are betrothed.

Mommy and Daddy promised you to me. We were three years old.

And then you turned into a lunatic.

I am a prince.

No one tells me no.

I am a princess.

And I'm telling you no.

You'll marry me or... Or I'll feed you to the dragon.

See? See how much I love you?

Stop him.

I'm a brute force, naturally.

Why don't you brute force?

What? do you do? I do diplomacy.

I do diplomacy.

This is the last time I use the champion spell.

Hey, man.

Hey, Greta.

Whoa, hey, no, I... I didn't come here to fight.

You came to die, then.

No.

I... I came to bring you up to speed.

It's been, what, a thousand years since you last, you know, circulated?

It's a different world now. I just want to make sure that you have the skills to

survive and thrive.

You come from Yon Village?

Yon Village is called Woodside.

Nice town.

Great schools. Lots of kids our age. You fit right in.

My society was limited growing up.

Mummy didn't like me to leave the castle.

Good news is, Mummy isn't here right now.

And there is a whole world out there, man.

But I'm on a quest to win the hand of Princess Greta by fair means or foul.

Yeah, it turns out that's not a good question.

She's just not that Indian, man.

It sucks, but we've all been there.

Welcome to Guy Club.

Guy Club.

Thank you.

You've earned it?

So, Guy Club, we have a few simple rules. I love rules. Me too.

First rule is we don't feed girls to dragons.

Sorry, that's kind of a... kind of a charter rule.

Here's what you do instead.

You write a sad poem in your journal.

You learn a few chords on guitar, and you turn that sad poem into a sad song

that you sing to other girl.

I already know a few chords.

On the lute.

Oh, not the lute.

Lute works, too.

I'm already way ahead of the game. Look out, ladies. Here comes... Claude Week.

Claude Week! Right?

But what of Princess Greta?

I'll get her down.

You get to that journal while your inspiration is still white.

I'm in your debt, guy club brother.

Call me Dwight. See you in your village, Dwight.

Sir Dwight.

That was... How did you do that?

Like I said, we're on my turf now.

Nice turf.

Yeah, yeah.

I am the king of nice turf.

You are not the champion I expected.

I know, I know.

Rabbit pellet, mucousy toad. Cortespinal pustule.

But... You may be the champion I need.

So... What do we do now?

To stay here would be... Madness, your highness.

But where can we go?

Perhaps that is a question best answered by... Your champion.

My neighbors just put their house up for sale.

All seem a little flimsy.

Actors.

So, what do you guys think?

With a few fortifications.

We'll salvage what we can.

To make it more comfortable.

We should build a lookout tower for Dwight. For what?

A moat, eventually.

It will do.

Here. Two hands is best while you're a beginner.

Is this really necessary?

You teach me the rules of your turf, I teach you the rules of mine.

That's our bargain.

Well done.

Uh, for starters, my overall appearance.

You look awesome.

Don't change a thing.

Okay.

So, we fought a troll.

And a wormy night guy.

I mean, not going to get much worse than that, right?

Right?

Sir Dwight, get the door.

It might be the pizza peasant.