Original subtitles

Oh, no.

We've got a 12 -year -old travelling to meet his parents in Malaga, and we've

got an elderly wheelchair passenger.

Emma, you can look after those.

Emma?

Other than that, it's all pretty straightforward.

Just a few ground rules.

I don't want passengers hassled if they don't want to take part.

If I ask you to stop at any point, I expect you to comply, yeah?

Emma, are you all right? Can you give me some water?

Can you hear me, sweetheart?

She's coming to you.

Sit up slowly.

Everybody out, please.

I'll be fine in five minutes.

You're not flying, young lady.

Not until a doctor's given you the all -clear.

William!

Oi!

Jessie James is looking for you.

God, no, Jesus!

Yeah, now.

You're going to be a TV star, mate.

Emma's fainted. She's on her flight.

Come on. Go on the way to the bus.

Me on the telly, really?

How can you put that in your mouth at this time in the morning?

I could say the very same thing about you, mate.

I can't be pregnant. I'm on the pill.

Have you been on any form of medication over the last couple of months?

No. Tell me upstairs. Vomiting?

I'd had too much to drink one night and I threw up.

And did you take any other form of protection during that month?

You'll have to inform your airline straight away.

No more flying, I'm afraid.

I don't feel pregnant.

Have you ever been pregnant?

No.

Well then, with respect.

What happened?

Fainted.

Did they tell you why?

It's just, it's a flu -y thing. I'll be fine in a couple of days.

I'm going to take you home.

I'll get my stuff. You wait here. Mrs Ballard, this is a letter for your GP.

You'll need this when you book your first antenatal appointment, all right?

Mr. Ballard, congratulations.

You're going to be a father.

Running.

No water.

One orange, two. Revive.

Thank you. I could stop. Keep turning.

Um, Casey, just try and be yourself. No need to act, all right? Shall we try

that again?

Oh, okay.

Okay, still running.

Go, Casey.

There you are, sir.

One orange juice for guys.

I'm ready for my close -up now, Mr. DeMille.

Hi. Will O 'Brien, your standby crew for the day. Ready for funerals, weddings

and bar mitzvahs. Now that you're here, let's get the show on the road.

Safety demonstration, please.

I thought you were very good.

I shouldn't really, but there you go.

Hyping up your OJ a bit?

Thanks for being so patient.

Thank you, Casey.

around your waist and tied securely in a bow at the side.

You can pop a beer by blowing into the pipe.

And yes, thank you very much as well.

Must have flashed out the long way. It was priceless.

Great fun, isn't it?

Ladies and gentlemen, please remember your belongings before you embark.

We hope you enjoyed giving us your business today as much as we enjoyed

you for a ride.

Ladies and gentlemen, on your left hand side, we are flying over the Pyrenees

mountain range.

Careful, ladies and gentlemen. Do you all want to tip the plane?

Are we joking?

Got you there.

Is this place going to be like all week?

Him prancing around making a pit of himself and us doing all the hard work.

Well, it keeps the documentary crew happy and the rest of us out of the

limelight.

To see again?

Can't you go?

Every time I go, he just turns off the light.

I think it's you that he wants.

Great.

Yes, sir?

I'd like a bottle of this perfume, please. Sorry, we've stopped serving,

We'll be landing shortly. It's really important.

It's for a very special person.

Okay.

Right.

Come on, let's get you settled.

Ian, I'm not ill.

No, you're just pregnant.

There you go.

Why did you tell me it was flu?

I don't know, I just panicked.

What, are you pregnant with our child?

I'm sorry, I just couldn't take it all in, that's all.

Ian, please.

Look, Emma, I know this is not what we planned, but maybe it's what we need.

You've not been happy, have you?

Caught between airline life and married life.

That was it.

It's fate.

I'm in a bit of a daze myself.

But it feels right.

Please don't tell them.

Please. Em!

They said you were ill. He fainted. Are you all right?

Yeah, it's nothing really.

Are you sure you're okay now? Well, she's fine now.

More than fine.

Listen.

We were just going to order some Chinese. Why don't you two join us?

Well, actually, we were going to go... Oh.

Bye, sir.

Bye, madam.

Thank you.

Bye, sir. Thank you for flying fresh.

It's for you to say thank you for taking such good care of me.

Oh, well, that's very kind of you, but... If you're free tonight, perhaps

could go for a drink.

Actually, I'm flying straight back to London.

All right.

I'll take you somewhere.

But, sir, we're not allowed to... except... gifts.

Looks like someone has made a conquest.

Andy tells me they want you to play a starring role in this documentary.

Yep. They want to film me at home, they want to film me out in the town. They're

what? Rather you than me.

I take it everyone you care about knows about your lifestyle.

What do you mean?

Being on national TV isn't the ideal way to come out, Will.

The television crew don't know that I'm gay.

Does the phrase of campers are all tense mean anything to you?

I take it you haven't told your parents that.

What are you doing?

What's it look like?

Going back up to my room.

Two or five, please. So you won't be coming out for dinner with me and the

crew, then? Well, as long as they've got you bearing your arse and camping it

up, who needs me?

You said you had to fly back to London.

You lied.

Well, no, because the flight was delayed and we went out of hours, but we had to

stay. You're wearing the perfume.

Yeah, yeah, it's lovely.

Well, then. Now you're here, we can go for that drink after all.

Actually, um, we were just off for dinner.

Can't keep the TV people waiting, can we?

Sorry.

Excuse me, I just came out of my room to get some ice.

My keys are inside. Could you... See?

Thank you.

And we should do this more often.

I hope Leanne won't mind me saying this, John, but it's nice to see her settled

with a decent blow for a change.

You're embarrassing her.

Hey, I'll tell you what.

Why don't we crack open that bottle of wine Simon gave us?

Wedding present from her father.

I've never had a 400 quid bottle of wine before.

Well, don't waste it on us. Save it for someone special.

Hey, it doesn't get much more special than this. Ian!

Oh, come on, love.

They might as well know.

I can't think about anything else.

Think about what?

Emma. Me. We're... We're having a baby.

Congratulations.

That's great.

When's it due?

December. She's two months gone.

It must have been our wedding night.

Congratulations.

We'd better get going.

I hope you don't feel that me living here is crowding you out.

It's just so much nearer to the airport. I know. Not at all.

I'm going to go and get a clean uniform.

Sit down.

Let me do that.

Well? Well, what?

Is this baby mine?

I suppose biting me head off every five minutes is all part of the deal.

What?

With pregnancy.

Oh, yeah.

You've got the next seven months of her having permanent PMT to look forward to.

Have a good day.

Sorry, guys.

It's been a bit of a day for her one way or another.

I'd better go and see her.

Did you ask her what I think you did?

You better go.

I get the tension, he says. Excuse me, I've been fingering your desk now for

minutes and she's still not coming.

We should have been filming. Come on, tell us some more.

No, seriously, I've shot my lord.

Now go on, Casey, your turn.

Hey, you know, don't do jokes.

Come on, Casey, you've been sitting there like a boring cow all evening. How

the two words come out of your mouth?

Well, they were... OK, um... Right, yeah,

OK. There was this one time.

The plane had had a really rough landing, so as the aircraft was taxiing

the terminal, one of the crew gets on the intercom and says...

Sorry, ladies and gentlemen, for the rough landing.

It wasn't the airline's fault.

It wasn't the pilot's fault.

It was the asphalt.

But, you know, the asphalt is like the tarmac.

She's not very good at telling jokes, her, Casey.

Are you, love?

But she has got some really good assets.

May I introduce you to a couple of friends of mine?

Pinky and Perky!

I can't believe you've asked me, Will. Casey, wait.

No.

I thought you'd be inside having a good old laugh with the rest of them.

I'm sorry.

I should have stopped there.

Are you okay?

No.

He's meant to be my best friend.

Do you think a gay guy can ever really be friends with a woman?

Of course.

I've always ended up hanging around with the gay guys.

Same thing when I was at BA.

You're so much more fun.

But then they always go and do something or say something that makes you

question whether they really give a shit about you at all.

I can understand that, I suppose.

I mean, you don't want to shag us, so why should you care if we fell off the

boat at BA?

You think friendship's about what people can get out of each other.

Maybe that's why yours go wrong.

I mean, what a door to you, Casey.

Oh, yeah.

He was drunk and overexcited, and right now he probably feels really ashamed of

himself. Yeah, good.

Right.

Bedtime.

We're flying in ten hours.

Thanks for everything that I'm not good.

I was late.

No.

We made it.

Where's John?

He didn't stay.

You know you shouldn't...

What

are we gonna do?

What do you want to do?

I don't know.

Is it Ian's? Yes. Are you sure?

How did you feel when you first found out you were pregnant?

Numb. Yeah.

I'm scared.

Yeah.

I go cold when I think I came so close to not having Louis.

I think I could.

You think that's wrong?

You think you'll choose what's best for you?

I don't want to choose.

I just want to wake up and find out it's all been a bad dream.

Final big breath.

Hold it, hold it and breathe out.

You take it easy today, love.

Look after baby Ballard for me.

Wow.

Doesn't that sound incredible?

I might stop in at the estate agents on the way home.

We've got to get out of here now.

I don't care what it costs.

Okay.

I love you so much, Em.

Go on, quick, before you're late.

Where do you think you're going?

Work.

They're not going to let you fly.

They don't know yet.

Oh, Lee.

Look, plenty of women fly pregnant.

The airline only grounded to protect themselves.

Yeah? Well, Ian's going to go mad.

I don't care. I'll go mad to that staring at four walls all day.

It's only Faro and back. I'll be home before him.

I thought you were off sick again.

No, I'm okay.

I'm freezing.

We're a bit delayed.

Leon, have you got something to share with us?

Well, can we get on with this, please?

What the hell are you doing flying?

I haven't told personnel yet. They don't say anything.

Tell the truth.

That wimp of a husband of yours didn't father the baby.

I did.

No. Look me in the eye and tell me if no chance is mine.

I'll take any test you want.

What's the point?

It's my child. I want to raise it.

But leave him.

I'll look after you and the baby.

So you'd dump Leanne, you'd break her heart, and you'd have me break Ian's.

God, you're a shitster.

Look, when you left, when you left to marry Ian, I had a right to get on with

life. This changes everything.

No, it doesn't.

Told you it wasn't over.

Sorry. James told you to apologise, did he?

No.

Can I come in?

Do what you want.

I've been an arse.

I had a reality check at 3am in the morning.

Sat bolt upright in a cold sweat, wishing I could just do away with the

bloody day.

I hurt you.

And God only knows what I've done to my parents.

What, my dad's mate's going to think when he sees me mincing around the

television? His life won't be worth living.

Shut up, leaving him five.

James!

Is there any chance we can stop the TV crew from showing the stuff they shot

yesterday? I doubt it.

You signed a consent form.

I tried to warn you.

It's been very quiet this morning.

Yeah, um, about last night, I think. It's a bit over the top, you know.

That's all you're looking for, eh?

Yes, we are.

We're exactly what this show needs.

The Julian Clary of the skies.

Without you, all we've got is a bunch of dull ethics girls.

By the way, filming at your flat, is it all right if we move it forward to

tonight? Tonight? Tonight.

Problem?

No.

That's cool.

Good morning, fresh.

That's the way to fly.

Yeah, could you tell me who'd be in charge of computer services for your

airline, please?

That would be Alan Minter. He's out of the office for the day. Sorry.

I'm here to deliver some computers. Mr. Minter booked me. Mr. Minter isn't here.

Yeah, he's out of the office for the day and all.

He said he may come down anyway. Apparently it's quite urgent.

Talk to you in the morning.

Ladies and gentlemen, there will be a further delay to flight SA119 to London.

This is due to a technical fault. Our apologies for any inconvenience to your

journey.

How much longer?

You don't say I told you so.

Well, I did, and Ian's going to go mad. Then get home as fast as you're not

there. Easy, Mia.

Right, that's it. I'm off the clock.

I can't stay here. I've got to get home.

Where do you think you're going?

Another flight, BA, Iberia, anything.

Emma, may I just remind you that you are still at work, or what passes for it in

your case.

My husband is expecting me.

Well, unless you're going to swim home, it's going to be very disappointing.

There aren't enough flights out of here today.

Emma?

Emma, wait!

I must say, Leon, I really quite admire you.

I couldn't handle it myself.

Handle what?

My best friend having my boyfriend's baby.

But then again, you three, you're so close, aren't you?

How did you know she was even pregnant?

I was so busy arguing, they didn't even notice me. Now he wants her to leave her

husband.

You're lying.

Anyway, can you stay cooped up in that flat all day? I've gone mad.

We do need the money, you know.

Fuck the money!

We will manage.

That is my child you're risking.

To say nothing of lying to me.

Don't start lecturing me, Ian.

You know, I'm sick of you fretting and fussing and crowding me out all the

My life doesn't just stop because I'm having a baby I don't even want.

Oh God, I didn't mean that.

Ian?

Ian? Ian?

Emma. I took the liberty of getting your cocktail, darling.

Alcohol -free, alcohol -free. What are you two talking about?

Let me guess.

Plotting how you're going to run away together and have that precious baby of

yours. Hey.

Don't be daft. Don't bother denying it.

Janice overheard you.

You're a disgrace, Emma.

You've got a husband who worships the ground you walk on and you treat him

dirt. I know you're going to go and break his heart. Don't. you dare

my marriage lee of all the guys you could have slept with you had to get

hands on him didn't you well our friendship actually meant something to

would never have done that to you you married someone else so get over him and

grow up because we're all sick and tired of tiptoeing around poor fragile

damaged little emma just in case god forbid she starts drinking again

Leanne!

This is, er, well, the living room.

Can I get you guys a beer?

Yeah, I'd love one. Where's Will?

Er, he's changing.

Be down in a minute.

No! Absolutely not. But I've already told them that you would.

Well, that's your problem.

And after the way you've treated me recently, to be honest, I'm surprised

got the nerve to ask. Wait a minute. James, do I have to apologise?

Erm... I'll pay you.

How much?

Twenty. Three, Mum?

All right, thirty then.

An evening posing as your girlfriend, Will, have got to be worth, oh, fifty at

least. Plus I want this month's rent tomorrow.

The rent's not even due for another fortnight. Tomorrow!

And I don't have to kiss you.

This is extortion.

Oh, take it or leave it, Will.

Right, I'll get changed.

All right, Casey, this time try not to look at the camera, all right? Yeah.

So, how long have you two been an item for, then?

About six months.

Actually, we got together at the fresh Christmas party and we didn't want to

cause awkwardness amongst the flatmates, so we've only just come out.

Yeah, so, um, this is our little love nest.

Interesting. Yeah, um, Katie doesn't mind me looking at other women. Do you,

love? Um, no.

Those are yours, aren't they? Yeah.

Well, kind of balances it out, don't you think?

Single beds.

Uh, yeah, she snores. I don't.

We just push them together when we need to.

All right.

Let's get the lights in here, then.

is this?

Hey, weirdo!

I've been getting these calls all day and there's nobody there, just this

First I thought it was a joke, but now it's really starting to piss me off.

You've come to apologise.

Don't bother.

You two are welcome to each other.

Please, open the door.

Open the fucking door. All right, all right.

Can you do that in your own room?

Please.

I've got really bad pain.

How long have you been like this?

A couple of hours.

I know it was indigestion.

Where is the pain exactly?

It's here.

Any bleeding?

Okay,

listen, don't panic, all right? I'm going to call reception.

Must be a hotel doctor.

I told Ian I didn't want the baby.

And now I think I'm losing it.

I don't want to lose a baby, Lee.

I don't want to lose my baby.

Why do they need another pregnancy test?

Why can't they just do something for her?

Come on, hon.

They need that song.

Will this help?

Any better?

Come on, Em.

Look, you're in and out of the toilet every five minutes and they're flying.

Come on.

She's losing me, isn't she?

I know you won't believe me, but for what it's worth... Sorry.

Lee! Lee, I'm sorry.

It's okay, it's okay.

It doesn't necessarily mean anything. Give me a few times and we'll go and get

some help, okay?

Why the fuck doesn't someone just come and help?

Do you speak English?

Oh, for Christ's sake.

Yeah.

I got here as soon as I could. Why didn't you ring me earlier?

What?

Have you seen the doctor?

Yeah, four hours ago.

Look, how can I pay you the money if I don't have it in my account?

I know I should have got the money off you beforehand.

That's the last time I'm ever doing you a favour, Will.

Yes, but you still love me. I mean, we're almost engaged, aren't we?

People tend to be afraid to speak up, and I would prefer if you came to me,

preferably before we get on the aeroplane.

Um, Will, you're late.

Katie, what are you doing here?

According to the roster, you're off sick.

What? Check if you don't believe me.

Will, Jason needs to talk about your practical joke.

Turn that sodding thing off!

Although it must have been Janice. Why would she, and how? She's in Spain.

But I'm here now, James. You've got to let me fly.

No, I can't.

Check it with scheduling, then go home. Please, mate.

We're really busy.

Right, any other questions, please?

Right, Emma, I'm afraid that's it.

We're going to have to go. I've got to be at the airport in an hour. What,

her in this state?

Her husband's on his way.

John, the whole airline can't grind to a halt because one member of its staff is

unwell.

Unwell?

She's losing her baby, for Christ's sake.

John, I can understand your personal concern.

However, Emma's brought this on herself.

She knew she was pregnant and she's chosen to fly.

It's fine if you go.

Leanne, don't even think about it.

We're already one light without Emma.

If you choose not to fly, the flight will be cancelled and you'll be sacked.

You may have some authority over her, Janice, but you have none over me.

And who's going to fly us, John?

We don't have any standby pilots here.

Do you know, I don't know right now. And to be honest, I really don't care.

Leanne.

OK, turning over.

Can I get you anything from the trolley, sir?

A gin and a bit of lemon, please.

I'm afraid without a bit of lemon, I might have some in the galley.

Hold it. Keep turning over.

Will, you're seeming very downbeat today.

I'm not sure what you mean.

You're not giving us anything.

We need jokes and fun and personality, like you did the first day.

It's all gone a bit flat, all right?

Okay, let's try another one.

Still turning over.

And in your own time, Will.

Can I get you anything from the trolley, sir?

Do you want a bit of lemon?

I'm afraid we're out of a bit of lemon. I'll see if we've got some in the

galley.

You'll get over and get you are that quick You know I

despise people like you who try to hide what they are I particularly despise

them when they turn my theories into a boring pile of old shit

Oh, you don't understand where I come from. People get beaten up for wearing a

-shirt that fits.

My father, my father's a paid -up member of the Partick Thistle Supporters Club.

What are his friends going to say?

My mother goes to mass three times a week. You've got to stop with Casey at

flat. That's your alibi for your folks.

Now I want the old Will back.

What if he won't?

Hon, you better tell him he doesn't have a choice.

He hasn't reappeared by the time we reach Belgium.

And if he doesn't entertain me every day for the next ten days, then I will

broadcast that tape we just shot.

One way or another, you will be the star of my show, whatever that.

all right? Am I speaking to the owner of a yellow Saab that's for sale? Yeah,

this is Casey Gregory.

Yeah, my car was behind yours with some traffic lights near the airport this

morning. Saw the ad in the rear window and took your number.

Listen, would it be possible to come round and have a look at it?

What, now?

Yeah, if you're not busy, I'm a cash buyer. I'm in the motor trade. I'll take

straight off your hands if the motor's down.

Oh, yeah.

By the way, the name's Mark Angel.

Mark Angel?

Casey Gregory.

Pleased to meet you.

You too. One sec, I'll just get...

My ex -boyfriend bought it for me.

Thank God I hung up the logbook. It got a bit messy when we were there.

Take it. What, just like that?

Don't you need to look under the bonnet or something?

Don't need to.

It's a two -year -old. He'll be under warranty.

Do you want to go inside and set a lot?

And you're paying the full seven grand?

Follow me.

I know you from somewhere.

You look really familiar.

Just go in and make yourself comfy.

Actually, can I use your bathroom?

Sure, somebody left.

I couldn't find the logbook. I must have left it downstairs in the car. I'll

just run down and get it.

I don't want the car. You can keep it.

And what do you want?

To spend time with you.

You wouldn't give me the time of day in Malaga.

My flatmates will be home any second now.

No, they won't.

The faggot's overnighting in Rome with the other boy.

Won't be back till tomorrow.

The same schedule you should have been on.

You changed my schedule.

We've got the whole day to ourselves.

Just you and me.

John.

Hi. How are you feeling?

I was hoping you'd still be here.

Yeah. Ian's on his way.

I don't want to talk about Ian.

You were right about you and me.

I made a mistake.

Don't. Don't.

It's the drugs talking. No.

I should never have married him, John.

He's a good man, Em.

The more I get to know him, I can see that.

But I love you.

And I think when he gets here, we should tell him. No.

He'd break his heart.

I don't want to hurt you, but there are more people involved in this than just

you and me.

I can't hurt them either. Not unless I can be absolutely sure that this is the

right thing.

And I'm not.

Here.

Sweetheart.

I'm here now.

Everything's going to be okay.

Well, I'd better be getting off. I've got a flight at five.

You two going to be OK?

Thanks for staying with her.

I really appreciate it.

Oh, it's OK, Em.

Why are

you doing this to me, Mark?

Call me Casey.

But you aren't me.

You don't even look anything like me.

Do you think I would really wear that nail polish?

And those tights? They're a joke. They're granny wear.

It doesn't like concrete.

Even your five o 'clock shadow won't get through.

Plus, it gives you a lovely sheen.

Doesn't come cheap, though. It's 80 quid a pot.

I shut.

Helped out.

Why do you want to be me?

You're a real lady.

Beautiful.

Kind.

You look after people.

You fly all over the world.

You have the perfect life.

The perfect life?

Me?

Do you know what I do at the end of each flight?

I clean toilets.

I wipe up people sick.

I earn nine grand a year basic, and if I don't fly, I can't afford to

feed myself.

My last boyfriend, well, he went back to his wife.

who he never told me about, and had left me with a load of debts and a mortgage

that I cannot afford to pay.

Mark, I'm 23 years old, and I've never been in love.

My God, I've never had a man in love with me.

I had bulimia for a year.

I've got cellulite, and I have faked every orgasm I've ever had, apart from

ones that I give myself.

So do you know what, Mark?

You can have my life.

Because I sure as hell would like to have the free time to follow people

spying on them all day.

And the spare cash to buy a bit more cars for seven grand.

So go on.

Let's do a little swap, shall we?

Right here, right fucking now.

Because I can't wait to meet some rich, layabout, Robbie Williams -loving,

weirdo called Mark Angel.

You're insane.

I don't want to go home with everybody taking a piss. They've got a big

widescreen television and lots of munchies.

Janice, are you coming towards the documentary?

I'm on the O 'Brien show.

I've got my kind of thing.

I'm ready for my close -up now, Mr. DeMille.

Hi. Will O 'Brien, your standby crew for the day.

Ready for funerals, weddings and bar mitzvahs.

Now that you're here, let's get the show on the road.

He promised me the stuff of me and Casey would be in there.

Now it's time for me to get on top of the

world. The world is mine.

And I'm feeling it.