Original subtitles

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

Now, sis, do it. Do it now! No!

Do it! (YELLS)

You alright? Oi!

What are you doing?

If I had £1,000 I would buy...

..Brazilian Yaki hair, like Beyonce,

a lip reduction, red velvet cupcakes,

probably a dustpan and brush for this place.

I mean, look at it. It's boring. There's not even crime 'ere.

It's like some fake-arse estate. S'like Diet Cola. It's diluted.

Y'know, forget the dustpan, I'd buy a train ticket and I'd just get out

'cause I am trying to be something worthwhile while I'm alive,

you know what I mean?

And these brick walls, they're dragging me back, man.

Yeah, I'm like a rose, tryna grow out of mud.

I was born a big thinker, I'm very wise,

you know, my mind is bare agile.

I'm fast, you know what I mean?

Got my ear to da ground so I'm alert at all times.

Tracey...

I ain't even being vain... Off we go.

..I just am...special.

Tracey! (SCOFFS)

Just keep breathing now. Keep brea...

Oh. What?

Let's go, have a look.

They've fucking done it! Bastards!

Uhbuggarshshinewarreday.

I'm a bit busy right now, you know?

Ooh, eew! (LAUGHS LEWDLY)

# Life ain't so great Yeah, there'll be dots in the mud

# And life ain't Hollywood for any one of us

# If ever you're in doubt, just get your wings out

# It's alright, darling, get your wriggle on

# Somewhere else. #

Anything else? Uh, no, just the salad, thanks.

Is that Brazilian?

Oh, do you know, I'm not even sure, I've lost count.

They've practically got their own wardrobe.

Looks real.

Thank you. Wait, Tracey?

We went to the same school, I was a couple years below you.

Meisha?

Oh, yeah. You right?

Oh, the big boss has me running out buying coffees and salads

every five minutes.

What d'you..? Oh, what don't I?

Personal assistant to the boss, marketing manager, sales exec,

no sleep, but there are a shitload of perks.

I don't like sleazy Stacey, I like chocolate Tracey,

I wanna...I wanna lock her in the boot of my car,

I wanna drive her beyond the most distant star.

Look at that. Huh. This is my boyfriend, Connor.

Safe.

You two look very...cute together.

(WHISPERS) It's quite a new relationship.

Connor, what are ya doing?

My mum wants it.

Ah, so Connor, what is it that you do?

We were just talking jobs and stuff.

I'm a poet.

Ah, wasteman? I've been there. (CHUCKLES)

Listen, my boss is holding a recruitment drive

for the sales team.

You should get down there, you were always really nice.

See ya.

Winsley Cosmetics.

Bye.

CANDICE: Oh.

Why?

Police raided George the Giant's flat, left the door open, innit,

so we cleaned up.

Why were these in his flat?

So this why ya couldn't cover my shift.

Yeah. I'm gonna glue them together and make a big one.

(BOTH LAUGH)

I had to get my sister in.

Cynthia?

Next, please.

Yeah, she'll be alright.

BOTH: Yeah.

'Cause I don't know if I can go back you know, now I know could go places

like, if I... Well, if I get it.

'Course will, babe.

That's why Meisha wants you at the perfume recruitment today.

Yeah, but she's not the big boss, you know, the big boss, he's like...

..he's big.

Alright, I'll see ya later.

Where you going? To the recruitment.

You gotta change, you silly bugger.

I am changed. This is what I'm wearing.

Welcome to Winsley Cosmetics. How are you doing, madam?

Would you like to try this nice perfume?

This is actually our latest release, yeah...

Your husband will love this one, mine does...

Welcome to Winsley Cosmetics.

(EXHALES)

Hi, welcome to Winsley Cosmetics, would you like to try this?

H-hello! Perfume! P-perfume!

OK, so, um, what we try to do at Winsley

is create an inviting atmosphere for the clients.

Mm-hm. Oh, hello, welcome to Winsley Cosmetics.

Your husband will love me, mine does.

No, I said that wrong. I said that... Ah... Ah...

(WOMAN CLEARS THROAT)

What is it? Perfume.

The brand?

Oh, yeah, yeah... Ah...

Yeah, it's called uh... Unmai Yo De Pum Pum.

(WHISPERS) Ennemis hairont.

Yeh me ho ho puff pum yum. Ennemis hairont.

Oh, my God, you ain't even sayin' the whole thing, though!

Ennemis hairont eau de parfum.

Look, no-one in this country is gonna buy this, it don't say perfume.

How they gonna know it's perfume? That...

Good point. I'll, um, I'll make a note of that.

Cool.

Oh, ay, oh, to Big Boss? Tell him Tracey said it.

We'll be in touch.

Smashed it.

# Waited so long just to be here

# And now we're bringing this back to life

# Yeah, we're bringing this back to life

# Want you to know how I miss ya

# And now I got you right by my side. #

Fucking Jesus...smack him in the ass, stuck his cock in my fucking ear!

Devil talks to me.

Grogg in my Jesus cock ear,

rinkeedink goo.

I worship Satan.

Saboo. I will fear no evil...

Mary is whore of Joseph... ..when you're with me.

..and your stars will comfort me. God is a whore...

..Satan burned Him... Jesus Christ hallelujah!

..in the darkness of the fire legion. Blood of Jesus

washes over this shop. Get away! And I am many.

Get away from me! I am many!

Why would anyone have this many dildos?

This is a business opportunity. Everything is worth a profit, yeah?

I'm an employed by Winsley Cosmetics,

we are selling the smell of cow dung in a box

and people with fully working nostrils are buying 'em.

So? So sell 'em.

To who? These lot. Here.

Have a girl's night, invite every woman on the estate,

do all the pink stuff.

Some of them...ain't fresh.

They're used. They're second-hand.

What? They ain't that bad, are they?

(GAGS) Wow.

Yeah. AA batteries and STIs included.

OK, well, as a business woman I can give you a business model.

OK, follow.

You, the seller, have a problem - 150 dildos with BO.

Seller, buyer, problem, OK?

Now what I could do is go round the houses,

with FTSE analysing and diagrams but...

..what I propose to you is this -

let's give the people what they want, OK?

It's an alternative penis

and the most effective way

to solve getting rid of the smell of the penis...

..is to wash them.

(EXHALES)

I feel like I just wasted two minutes of my whole life

and I can't get 'em back.

Meisha!

Wow. Tracey? Um. Why are you here?

I was in the area. Oh. OK.

We normally wait 5-7 working days before we get back to people...

I just wanted to know, should I start buying clothes like what you wear

'cause this is beginning to feel like a bit of a lucky charm,

you know what I mean?

OK, um, would you say that working in sales is unnatural for you?

Meisha, you know I used to work in a corner shop.

Look, I can't do Wednesday, OK? I'm project managing a dildo.

OK, unfortunately you haven't been selected for the next phase.

Thank you so much for your offer, really,

but I'm gonna have to decline.

I'm sorry, I'm just looking for something a bit more...

Good luck though, and thank you.

You can go.

Um, but I work here.

I don't care. No, but I'm an employee.

Go over there, then.

There.

I thought you definitely stood out.

Which is, you know... (SNIFFS) ..important.

They're going to hire the daughter of the boss's friend,

they always were, I don't know why they even bother with recruitments,

it's all about who you know. Yeah, well, I don't know anyone.

Stepping stones, and all that.

So listen you up for coming to a work thing tonight?

Posh do, swarming with execs, worth your time?

No, I didn't get the job.

Ahh, I'll sneak you in, stepping stones, and all that.

Will...will Big Boss be there?

I dunno if he'll be down with this kinda shit

but he'll be there, for defs, so whaddo we say, is that enough?

Well, what's that...what's that for?

Mainly cocaine.

I think Ned and Harry are partial to a bit of MDMA,

a bit of the old 'mud-muh', so maybe chuck that in for good measure

but mainly the cocaine, you know? What's your number?

M-my phone? Yeah, yeah.

My old dealer got arrested or murdered or something.

It's really quite sad, and quite inconvenient but hey.

Old...dealer?

Oh, fuck a dog, my suit's ready.

Look, gotta dash. Great work today.

Here's my card...

..see ya at krunck o'clock.

Yeah, OK.

# Oh, we'll have our cake and eat it

# Oh, we'll have our cake...#

He give me the cash and now I think I got a drug seller.

So you'll be their new friend with the cocaine?

Yeah.

Now, can I just carry it in my bag

or should I eat the cocaine and then poo it out when I get to the hotel,

I've seen that on TV.

I don't know, I don't do cocaine, I'm black.

Oh, you don't know Noah? I've heard he's a drug lord.

No-one knows Noah.

That's why he's called that, he's a mystery bruv.

OK, well, you know what, I'll just pop down there.

"Pop down"? This isn't a mini mart, you know?

He's a gangster, he's got tattoos all over his face, blad.

This innocent Bangladeshi immigrant, he had this Pizza Palace leaflet,

he put it through his letter box, do you know what he did to him?

Yeah, I'm already terrified, Candice OK, I'm already terrified.

He ate the nose off his face!

I understand, OK?

But I come this far, if I stop now, I mean...

..I might as well die.

If I'm not back by midnight, call the police,

and tell my mother I love her.

That I was trying to life the life she dreamed of,

that I was just trying to step on the stones.

No.

No, you're not going alone.

I'm coming with you. Thank you.

Listen, bitch!

We tell him what we want and we never look him in the face.

Keep your eyes to the fucking floor, Trace.

No, not now. Sorry.

This man is a beast.

He can and will kill you where you stand.

Banoffee's always a hit and miss so if you don't like it...

Noah, this is superb.

I'll show ya, it's my own recipe.

Shut up!

Excuse me, sir? Can we have the drugs, please?

Oh, gosh. Have I not...?

Noah, you're lovely.

(WHISPERS) What the hell?

I know, blad, and he's giving me the recipe.

Right, cocaine in here,

MDMA in here,

speed and MDA, 'cause you've both been a treat.

Let's run, run, run! C'mon!

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

No, absolutely.

(PHONE RINGS) Oh, excuse me.

Yeah. TRACEY: Hey, Josh, I'm outside.

(WHISTLES)

Excuse me. Excuse me.

(BRIGHT FUNKY MUSIC)

MAN: Not too much, you bellend.

You don't want any do you?

Nah, nah, you know, I had some for...for breakfast, for lunch.

I am... I'm stuffed.

Sweet. Sweet. Yeah.

(SNIFFS) Oh, pleasure doing business with you.

A toast to our new working relationship.

Oh, OK.

Er, I mean, I haven't actually seen Big Boss yet,

who's going to give me my hours, you know, like...?

Um... I...I've already told Meisha that I'm doing a dildo thing...

It's not gonna happen overnight, is it?

Stepping stones and all that.

(SNIFFS) Oh, Tracey, I am fucking pumped.

Chin-chin.

Um, yeah, OK.

Yeah.

(SNIFFS) Mm.

Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm.

That is disgusting.

You've finished the whole thing.

Ah...

..yeah, there's a little bit of backwash, if you, ah, want it?

Oh, fuck all the dogs.

Yes, well, I...I didn't know there was anything, ah, in there

so it was totally, like, n-n-not my fault.

Not mine neither... And, er, stepping stones.

Stepping stones.

Well, it was very nice to meet you. I like ya.

(UPBEAT FUNKY MUSIC) I really, ah, do.

MAN: She's drunk the whole thing!

(MUSIC STOPS) Yeah! (LAUGHS)

OK, then I'll come with you guys. (LAUGHS)

ESTHER: Sexy ladies, queens, princesses,

you are about to experience the night of your fucking lives,

better than any Ann Summers party... (ALL CHEER)

a special...presentation. Whoo-hoo!

Well, ho, ho, ho, it's fucking Christmas!

Oh, Jesus.

(GENERAL CHATTER)

If you could just check... Meisha.

Tracey. You're here as well.

Yeah. Why?

It's hot in here. Josh snuck me in.

Josh? I thought you had a boyfriend.

(GLASS SMASHES) Yeah, um, I do.

My mouth is dry. Oh, I bought Josh the cocaine.

Isn't that how you got the job as well?

No. I...

..I think I've been a bit silly.

Well, that's disappointing.

Meisha, I just wanted it so badly. I was desperate, yeah.

I was desperate, Meisha. Tracey...

..people like us,

we have to be twice as alert.

Opportunities are never just gonna be handed to us on silver sp...

What are you doing?

Have you taken something?

OK, come with me, you need to get out of here.

(FANFARE PLAYS, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Ooh!

(DRIVING MUSIC PLAYS)

(BACKGROUND CHEERING NOISE FADES) (CLAPS)

Isss Big Boss here.

Big...mon.

ESTHER: Fucking hell, I'll tell you what,

I've had more fake orgasms than I've had Cornish pasties.

And I've had a lot of Cornish pasties.

Honestly, though, most times I just want to be alone and ride pillow.

Ride it, ride it, ride it. (ALL LAUGH)

Oi, the worst one, yeah,

is, "How many times did I make you cum?" Like make me?

Yeah, yeah, as if they give it to ya.

I mean, I might climax if you stop generically pounding my arse

like hammer on a nail.

Some of the stuff I've seen men get off on,

I'm like, "Are you fucking delusional?"

They are delusional, they are.

"Ah, baby, you gonna squirt for me one day?"

Them bitches in them videos are pissing, it's just piss.

Like actual urine.

Them girls are lucky, my fudge is as dry as a fucking Ryvita.

Nan! (ALL LAUGH)

BIG BOSS: Where there are no goals, there is no hope.

Where there is no future, there is no future.

Winsley Cosmetics is the future and I am so...proud of...

Yeah.

I'm Tracey and I wanna say a few words.

I used to wanna be in you lots gang.

(CHOIR SINGS EXULTANT SONG)

But now I see this lifestyle for what it really is,

it's just greed.

It's just money!

Wouldn't you rather have friends and people that love you? I would.

Instead of a bunch of people who judge me.

I mean, none of you know what I am capable of.

None of you know me, you just think you do

and it's pathetic the way you judge me.

It's pathetic.

But at the same time

I do really feel like we really get on.

(CHOIR STOPS) I donwha gwan? Shayamade.

I go innin hoe now.

Isshi, shaad...

Ho, Big Boss...

Eebeeboh, ah, wow. No, no, no...

(GASPS) Oh, my God.

Tracey... Mmm?

Tracey, Tracey. Mmm?

You're having a bad trip.

There's gonna be an attack.

Uh, there's gonna be a terror... terrorist attack, the biggest...

..listen to me, because this is important.

It's NOT the Muslims...

..it's the people of Scotland.

All the CCTV is in the mosques so we're never gonna catch them...

No. You need a cab.

(BRIGHT FUNKY MUSIC)

Kiss me. OK...

You didn't...!

Yeah.

Ladies and gentlemen, the highlight of the evening.

Candy's Chocolate Cockatoo!

(ALL CHEER) (UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC)

Jesus!

Yes! Oh, my God.

(ALL LAUGH)

Whoa! What's wrong with you? They're used, man?

(MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY)

They're used? Oh!

Oh, the shame. Oh!

Are you taking the piss?

I want my tenner back. Stick your dildo.

An absolute shame.

Disgusting. Disgusting! Oh.

Can you imagine it?

Seriously?

TRACEY: Home...

Wow!

Iss like a palace.

Iss tall.

Bricks...

(GASPS) Stairs.

Stepping stones.

You're amazing.

Oh, you guys are so...so amazing!

(GASPS) Mummy.

(CHOIR SINGS EXULTANT MUSIC)

I love you.

I know I've never said that before but...

..I do.

Mamacita.

(BURBLES)

..fekking never mind. (LAUGHS)

(HUMS) (BABBLES)

Keegmay nemissune tune. Keegmay, keegmay, keegmay...

Keegmay...keegmay...

Oh, kegma... De mistu on keeg bombcha.

Satan will not prevail.

Oh, minions of Satan I command you, leave her!

Exit her, erupt through her mouth. Ah!

Oh, so sick. Leave her body!

Exit it, erupt through her mouth. (GAGS)

Hallelujah, hallelu... (RETCHES AND VOMIT)

Vile demon.

Oh, it's nice. (GIGGLES)

Ooh. (SHIVERS AND BABBLES)

There we go. Yes, OK, bye-bye.

Bye-bye. Bye.

# Take me to the water # Take me to the water

# Take me to the sea # Take me to the sea

# Take me to the water # Take me to the water

# To the sea of Galilee

# I'm gonna wash away all of my sins

# Start all over, yeah. #

Captions by Red Bee Media

Copyright Australian Broadcasting Corporation