Original subtitles

(♪)

I used to be somebody.

In the big city,

I shined the light of truth on the city's seedy underbelly.

Drug busts,

Dirty cops,

Greasy politicians

Overzealous Karens?

I was respected and feared.

Even the local cartel “Jefes” had a name for me.

El feo verdad!

But it all fell apart.

And now I’m back here,

in my hometown

(car horn beep)

In Florida.

Our boys seem to be gettin along real nice.

(children laughing)

Yeah.

So there's a

There's no Mrs. in the house.

Huh?

You got no ring.

Oh, yeah, no ring.

No, Mrs.

Not really my boy.

My sister's.

You don’t say.

You’re not from around here, are you?

Actually I am. Just been away for a while.

Did you go to Dirty Neck High?

I did.

I just graduated last year.

05

No

No way.

You got to know my mama. VieRenee Taylor.

VieRenee... Yeah

That's the girl who was pregnant in the ninth grade.

Yeah... I’m her daughter. Shayron.

Mama

Mama was a late bloomer.

I decided to get ahead in the game.

(organ music)

I just normally I start with hand stuff, but he said that it chaffed

a little too much, so sometimes I use my mouth.

If it doesn't work, then I kind of have to hike up

real high, you know take a real good seat.

Who wants ice cream?

(ice cream truck music)

Clown Pops! Clown Pops! Clown Pops! Clown Pops!

Clown Pops! Clown Pops! Clown Pops! Clown Pops!

I'll treat. Two clown pops please.

Hey Shayron!

No clowns.

Where are the clowns? There's got to be clowns.

All gone.

Only got rockets today.

Business must be booming.

Two rockets please.

Short on inventory today.

Here ya go kids.

You want one?

Oooh... PBR. A tall boy!

(Ice cream truck music)

(chugging beer)

Woo! Rosco, this is fukin’ warmer than my crotch.

Gimme a break, the freezer is jammed!

What's that got to do with pissy beer?

Had to put all the popsicles in the fridge.

So, the fridge stuff got to go on the counter.

So the beer's a little warm

and the popsicles are a little drippy.

I tell you what. I'll give you a 50 cent discount on your order.

No! You keep it to fix your freezer.

I'll take another one for free though.

Two for one is only good on 2 for Tuesday

I got to run. Let's go Billy.

It was nice meeting you.

Oh, yeah! I'll tell my momma you said hi.

Great.

Your mom's going to kill me.

Let's go.

Come on Marcus.

Do you want to go find ourselves a new daddy?

Yeah!

Of all things.

How in your mind, could you run

such a lurid story about one of our good townfolk?

Stuck for two days with a goddamn cock ring on?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Can you use the word rooster instead?

One of our good, upstanding townsfolk

caught with a rooster ring on his rooster.

Now, at the time, I didn't know that he was your?

Cousin.

Oh, that makes sense.

By marriage and that has nothing to do with this.

Well, you could tell your cousin

that his dealer said it's not advisable to mix meth, viagra and spanish fly.

I cannot have this.

Ever since the bull horn hired this paparazzi wannabe,

he's done nothing but make a mockery of this town.

People live here.

Children go to school.

Businesses wide open.

Milton, we get it.

Of course you want to keep your cousin's drug and co...

rooster ring out of the news.

But if we don't report it, one of our competitors will.

Fake news!

Nobody's even going to believe it.

Those who don't learn from history are condemned to repeat it Mayor.

And in this case, the lesson learned, when snorting enough

meth and viagra to kill a horse

and squeezing his cock and balls into a plumber's ring of insufficient size,

at least you got to use a good, long lasting lubricant.

That's the moral?

What? The lubricant part?

Yes. I meant to add that to your story is a lesson learned.

Oh... that would’ve been a nice touch.

Excuse me.

This will not happen again.

Boss.

The clinic lost your stool sample.

You need to provide another one.

We're all out of prune juice.

I could go to the store and get you some.

Could you... Go FUCK yourself!

Oh, I'm not completely sure how to do that, but I'll research it sir.

So... that being said!

What?

What do you mean what?

What was being said?

Exactly!

Are we done here?

(♪)

We most assuredly are not done.

Sit down!

We're done.

I'll make sure that you're done.

I'm going to shut that paper down.

RAYMOND!

(Raymond whimpers)

Raymond

you're useless.

Do you still want me to cut your toenails at 2pm?

Of course.

(♪)

See you, buddy!

What the hell happened here?

Rocket popsicles.

Did he get any in his mouth?

Take off that shirt and hold still.

(water hose spray)

You know, when you moved back here,

you said you would help me out.

This is not helping.

Look, I'll buy him a new shirt. Okay?

I need to give him more than just the cool uncle who takes him places

and buys him treats.

He always gets wound up with you and is a fucking mess to clean.

Well, if it makes you feel any better, look at my car seat.

Oh, did your car seat get dirty?

Maybe we should clean it up.

Oooh... what the hell?

Oh, is poor Aesop of getting hot?

Maybe he should cool down.

Oh, what's your problem?

I have a dork brother!

(tires screeching)

who thinks he's cooler than he actually is.

Mommy, what's a cock ring?

Let's go inside.

(♪)

(♪) I'm telling you, the golf cart, it flipped right on its side.

And then the three iron...

- Thank you, Mary Sue. - Thank you Mary.

The three iron,

it flipped sideways and landed somewhere.

Can you guess?

It impaled him through his butt.

Yeah, it did.

And wait... not the handle side.

That had to have hurt.

Oh man, he's lucky it wasn't a sand wedge.

Oh, he's hungry!

No, a sand WEDGE!

Wait... I didn’t hear you, I’m sorry.

Mary Sue! What’s up guys?

Hey, how you doing?

Hey, Hey... That dude was sporting wood for two whole days?

No way! Yes way!

I don't make this shit up.

Dude!

No, no, it says on the bottle.

Clear warning!

If it lasts more than 4 hours, contact your doctor.

I mean, I would contact everybody.

Oh, what's up, bro?

Hey, not now.

Now, that was a great exposé.

It wasn't an exposé until he strip’d naked and pillaged the hardware store.

But, you see, I've been trying to tell you the phones that I got,

You could take much better pictures then that.

I had better pictures.

Tanya made me blur them.

Let me see.

How were you able to get the photos anyway?

This reporter isn’t giving away his secret sauce.

Boom!

Oh!

Damn!

Yup. Split open like a brat on a flaming grill.

That split goes halfway up!

Security footage showed him trying to wrap it with duct tape.

You know this stuff comes in, like, all kind of colors now, so he, like,

matches his drawers and stuff.

Yeah! Unfortunately, this guy isn’t going to be coming at all!

He he!

How do you get these phones at half price T.O.?

This vender isn’t going to share his secret sauce, neither.

Hey Ace!

Why don't you go tell me where to find Friar Frick?

Where the fuck did Fryer Frick went?

Fryer Frick?

Fryer Frick!

He knows who he is.

Have you not heard of him?

From what I gather, from these two idiots, it turns out that the recently missing Friar Frick

is the local hippie town bookie.

Half the town bet on Mangrove State

to win last week's game.

Mangrove hadn't won a game all season.

They sucked!

Until last Saturday, when they pulled off an upset win.

So, most of the town won big on the game.

And then the friar went AWOL before anyone got paid.

Hey. Hey.

Why don't you use your super powers to find him?

My powers?

Fellas, fellas, fellas, look, look, I can pick up all the action you need.

Ah-ight!

Who would you wanna bet?

Basketball?

You you look like a horse dude.

You bet horses? Pokemon cards?

How many licks to get the bottom of a tootsie roll pop?

Look, I got you!

Just give me your money.

Your investigation powers.

You could be like... the next fuckin Avenger.

Yeah, but still.

What do you think he's going to be called? He's.

He's an ordinary dude!

Yeah. Florida Dude.

Aye umn... Flor Eye Dude!

Shit. Yeah, Floor Eye Dude!

Absolutely not.

It sounds like I shoot toothpaste out of my wrist.

You look like you shoot to place out of your wrist Bro!

Flori Eye Dude! I think that's hot.

Buy me a drink?

Actually I’m liking Flori-Dude. It's a pretty good name.

Flor Eye Dude! Flor Eye Dude! Flor Eye Dude!

Flor Eye Dude! Flor Eye Dude! Flor Eye Dude!

Yeah... cheers to Flor Eye Dude!

I'm kind of busy right now, Ace.

Yeah, I think it's a jilted bet’er.

It could be.

But did you hear about that guy in Hicksville that cut off part of his ear,

giving himself a haircut?

I think we've covered enough split or detached appendages in one week.

I really need to get back. (Raymond muffled)

Who said you could speak?

Not following.

Not you!

Go find that friar.

Copy that.

That was odd.

Tonya seems to be all worked up.

Hopefully she can find something to relieve her stress. (car door slam)

(footsteps)

Now you're really gonna get it.

(whimpering)

(whip crack, whimpering)

Mommy!

(whip crack) Mommy!

(lubed insertion) Ohhh! Mommy!

So, onward to find the friar. (♪)

I should find out at the local boys in blue have a clue.

Of course, they always end up being out to lunch.

And as a crack reporter with a keen mind,

what a better place to start then the local cafe.

(door chime)

(♪)

That was easy!

(dishes clanking)

Hi Deputy!

My name I know who you are.

You've been writing those crazy stories.

Crazy but true. Don't know matter.

People don't want to hear about penises, and...

But they do!

I got a million hits about the groom with the golf club stuck up his ass.

You see I’m eating?

Just thinking about that is spoiling my appetite.

Mind if I take a tot?

Don’t you touch my tots boy!

All right, let's change the subject.

What do you know about Friar Frick?

Why, you ask?

He owe you money too?

Not me. I just heard that he stiffed a lot of people.

Yeah, well, tell me something I don't already know.

You got any leads?

Leads!

Suspects?

We done checked his trailer, there’s no signs of foul play.

Just um... Foul!

No housemaid?

Now!

If there were a suspect,

that black fellow with a cell phone,

he'd be at the top of my list because I heard

he's been taking all of Frick’s old business.

You mean T.O.?

Now, if you don’t mind,

I’d like to finish my lunch in peace.

Of course, Deputy Dog

Doug!!!

Doug... Right.

Enjoy your lunch.

Damn right I will

now that you're leaving.

(♪)

Why are you asking me all these questions?

(♪)

Oh, Oh, it's because I'm black.

Come on, man.

Oh, don't give me that shit, man.

You just conclude that the black guy did it.

Shit.

You should at least buy me a drink.

Okay, fine. Mack, Get him another drink.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Well, where I’m from, false accusations of felony is a double.

Can we get a double?

So I'm convinced T.O.

is not responsible for Frick's disappearance.

T.O. is a lot of things.

He's an opportunist, a scam artist,

possibly a peddler of gray market electronics, but violent?

No!

It's black people shit.

So I talked to the deputy, and he said

he already checked his trailer, and there was no signs of foul play.

So you think they're Deputy dipshit

really has a clue?

Small town cops rarely do!

Alright! So...

What are you going to do about this?

I mean,

I guess I should go check it out.

Well, I guess I could go check it out.

Is that how a superhero like Flor-Eye-Dude goes about his business?

You think you could do better?

I certainly wouldn't pussyfoot around like you are.

Fine. You want to tag along?

I'll come with you,

but I'm not tagging along.

It sounds like I'm a sidekick or some shit.

I'm nobody's sidekick.

Hi T.O.!

Ohhh, hey!

Buy me a drink?

Yeah, I'll buy you a drink. Can we... Can we get a double?

A double?

Come on man. Hey, guys.

My sidekick here needs a nickname.

Flori Junior!

Tattoo’ed Ovary!

Little F Big L!

Peacock!

Hi Boys!

Hello!

Buy me a drink?

Sure!

(♪)

Feel like we should have a few more drinks before this.

You should have let me finish the conversation with Madison.

(♪)

Look at this shit, man.

You gonna fuck your car up.

(♪)

Do you know they have flying cockroaches down here?

Flying cockroaches!

Dude!

Something is on me.

Is it on me? You're fine.

Is it on me? You're fine!

There's nothing. Just look for clues.

Man!

I’m not with this shit Ace!

Some old serial killer shit out here dawg!

Hey, you know what happens in the movies, bro!

Yeah, the black guy dies.

Sorry!

Look! He just left his cereal box open.

I mean, that cereal is going to get stale, in this humidity.

Seriously!

Is that the best you got?

Why don't you try giving the witty commentary.

I'm more catered for the sarcastic foul response.

Like a sidekick!

How about I sidekick your fucking ass! It’s not funny!

Keep playing with me!

(trips)

Shit!

(♪)

How you doing there, champ?

I’m all sticky.

Take me home!

(♪)

Where does Roscoe keep his truck?

Take me home!

Somewhere else first.

Ace, I'm not playing with you. I want to go home.

You got some stickies in the car?

Some baby wipes?

(♪)

Hey! Ain’t this the mayor’s building?

You think that asshat is involved?

Patience Sidekick!

Hey, man, don't think I Will Smith the shit out of you right now.

Keep playing with me. Say it again.

Say it again.

I want you to.

Playin with me.

Damn sidekick!

(car door slam)

If you want ice cream, we could have just stopped at the Sippymart.

(generator humming)

I bet Frick is here.

You willing to put odds on that?

Bro! What would trick me doing in this truck?

Look, this morning, Roscoe said the freezer was jammed,

so had to move all the popsicles to the fridge.

And there was this grungy sandal.

Frick’s sandal?

So. So let me get this straight.

You think his body's in the freezer.

Just chillin!

You like that, right?

It was alright!

(generator stalls)

Dude, we gotta plug this back in!

The fuck you mean we?

This is Yo gig, remember?

I'm just a sidekick.

(♪)

(police radio chatter)

Stella!

There's something funny going on down here at the mayor's storage facility.

I’m gonna take a look at it.

(♪)

I’d give anything

to open this lock right now,

You’d give anything, huh?

Will this make you happy?

Is that what I think it is?

It does what it needs to do.

I mean, I thought it would be bigger.

And how big does it have to be to get the job done Bro?

Are you having trouble getting in?

It's tight.

Oh, Freeze!

Right there!

Now, what are you boys doing back here?

It's not what you think.

Hey, look. I'm okay with this thing

that you boys are doing it,

you know. But you can't do it here.

Oh, hell no. It’s definitely not what you think.

You got to do in the privacy of your own home.

Friar Frick is here.

Frick's here.

So this is some kind of threesome thing?

No!

Well then, what are you boys doing behind Roscoe's truck?

Frick is in the freezer.

He's in the freezer?

Like dead in there?

Well,

we haven't

exactly found him yet,

but we were just about to pick the lock.

Oh, you don't say.

Yeah, and we were just walking around and we happened to trip the plug.

Okay, let's just have you to move along on out of here.

But the body is going to defrost.

Defrost...

Yeah, thaw.

Then rot.

Decompose.

Liquefy.

Okay, I get it.

What do you propose we do?

Well, you just let us pick the lock.

We can at least re plug in the freezer.

And if we happen to find a frozen Friar in the freezer

as you happened to show up, you can make your arrest.

You two for breaking and entering?

Or Roscoe for murder?

Both, I don't care.

I just want the story.

I care!

Okay,

so if Frick's in the freezer,

I won’t arrest you.

(♪)

Got it!

It’s open!

Ah... I’ll go in.

(♪)

Is he in there?

They did have clown pops!

Nuthin in here but popsicles.

Your little detective party is over.

Let's go down to the station.

What the hell is going on here?

Mr. Mayor, I have this under control.

I should have known.

Tell me why I shouldn't have you arrested for trespassing?

Just doing my job, Mayor.

Oh, really!

And what sort of shittery are you squeezing out tonight?

No shit.

We have clues to a missing person that points to foul play

that led us to this ice cream truck on your property.

My property!

Which you have no permission to be on.

And there's this missing person, that fucking hippie friar?

Why bother?

Half the town wants him strapped up by his balls.

Well, that being said,

we thought we would find his

body in the freezer.

(♪, laughing)

A body in the freezer of an ice cream truck.

Well, let me guess.

You were wrong!

Seemingly.

My beer! My popsicles!

Roscoe, these boys just had some ideas

about your truck.

And they ahhhh.

What do you guys doin with my shit!

God Dam it!

We didn't take anything.

Then what were you doing?

Let me tell you what they were doing.

This fraud of a writer and his sidekick.

Oh, man, this is ridiculous.

They seem to think that the body of Friar Frick is in your freezer.

But as usual,

Mr. Tabloid was wrong.

Just like every goddamned story you've ever.

(thud)

What do we have here?

Are those Frick’s feet?

(♪)

Oh! How did he get here?

(♪)

Oh, come on Mayor. Spit it out.

Is it that hard to admit you were wrong?

Oh, come on.

Don't be so dramatic.

Nah, nah, nah, nah.

He choking!

I’ll save ya boss!

Ugh! Ugh!

This is the good stuff right here.

Oh, yes.

I got it, Mayor.

Arghhh!

Is that the little piggy that went to market?

I shoulda kept my ass home.

Black people don’t do this shit.

Roscoe, you're under arres...

(♪)

Where’d he go?

Let's go get him guys!

Follow me!

(♪)

Well, Mr. Mayor,

what leaves the worse taste in your mouth?

Having to admit you were wrong?

Or a toe tickling your tonsils?

Hey Yo! Imagine the bacteria on that thing.

Do you see a podiatrist or a dentist for that?

Toe fungus in the throat can’t be fatal, can it?

Will you shut up!

Whoa! Mr. Mayor,

I'm going to have to ask you to use some mouthwash because, I don't know

where that toe has been.

(spray) God! You buffoon!

Here Boss!

Don't touch me!

Hey!

I’ll get you Floridude! And your little paper too.

(♪) I will kill you.

Oh, that would be my honor, boss.

So should we stay here and watch the body?

Mmm mmm, he ain't going anywhere.

Should we help the deputy find Roscoe?

Hell no man, look at that idiot.

Now that's even less appealing.

The barn?

I’m in... Let’s go!

Let’s do it!

Hey! You gonna buy me a drink?

What is this a date?

I mean, if you buy me dinner!

Couldn’t even get it in...

What you want me to do?

Roscoe!

Roscoe!

(♪)

Hey, Roscoe!

Get out here, sucker.

I’m a get you!

So there we have it.

Another tale of the Florida man.

While Friar Frick's remains are now thawing,

one, Roscoe Abernathy remains at large.

It's up to Dirty Neck’s finest. To put Roscoe on ice for murder.

Get it? On ice!

Anyway,

Florida man stories are sometimes about greed and revenge,

but more often than not,

about sheer stupidity,

usually after getting extremely wasted.

But what we should learn from this story is don't stiff people

or you'll end up being a stiff yourself.

Oh, and watch out for sketchy redneck ice cream trucks.

Aesop out!

(♪)

Boss!

You got a gift.

Okay.

(♪)

FLOR-I-DUDE!

(♪)