Original subtitles

In a topsy -turvy mixed -up world where everything's always changing, some

things are a constant.

Friends, family, and a great big mound of chili nachos.

Why are we eating so fast? Are we racing? I'm sorry,

I eat when I'm excited.

Edmund is bored.

Edmund is sleepy.

Edmund is wide awake.

Can't hurt me today, Ben. I'm too jazzed.

Tiffany is suddenly single.

You know, I bet him $5 he couldn't think of the word jazz with a straight face.

I'm jazzed, too. You're going to hit on Tiffany and make an ass of yourself, and

that's going to be fun to watch.

Bernie just left her, Larry. Give Tiffany a second to recover. I can't

it. I have been Tiffany's nanny for two years, and I never saw this split

coming. I should have read more of her e -mails.

I meant any, any of her e -mails.

Do you have any idea why Bernie left her?

Um, because he's gay.

It's the only explanation that makes sense, all right? You do not leave a

who looks like that. Not until she's older.

Whoa, here she comes. Oh, she looks terrible.

Yeah, she looks terrible.

Hi, Dave.

How are you holding up?

Okay, but I'm really going to miss this place.

I think you've only been here once or twice.

Oh, no, not the disgusting bar. I mean New York.

Oh, did I not tell you guys? I've decided to move back home to Florida.

No! What? I mean, what?

It's where all my friends are, and Bernie has a place down there, so he'll

able to see the kids.

This all seems a little bit sudden, right? I mean, let's not be brash here.

You know, maybe you need a little time to think about whether moving is what

really need. I personally like to mull over my big decisions for a period of

to four years.

Nope, I've made up my mind. It's three days and I'm off to Florida.

He's a big fan of mulling things over.

Our love is volatile, chemical, anything but typical. I want you

badly.

I love you badly.

Benjamin.

Which one of these weight belts do you think goes better with my eyes?

Larry, what are you doing? The one on the left.

I volunteered to help Tiffany pack, and so she doesn't think I'm just there to

hit on her, I volunteered you too. But you are there to hit on her. Right, so

that's why you'll be doing most of the packing.

Anyway, it's the perfect opportunity for me to implement the Larry Munch rebound

retrieval system. It's a three -pronged attack.

I know what it is, Larry. It's your way of preying on heartbroken women for your

own sexual gain.

That is ridiculous, Ben. It's for everyone's sexual gain.

Sometimes their gain exceeds my own. Other times, it's perfectly equal.

Right. And what does bringing them to the batting cages have to do with it?

That, my friend, is prong one.

Allows the subject to purge her feelings of rejection and betrayal, which leads

me to prong two, wherein I take her to the Shakespeare Garden in Central Park.

Never fails to lead to prong three, which is... I know what prong three is.

Prong three is my penis. I do not know what prong three was.

Since I'm no longer going to be working with Tiffany, I know that you're worried

about me being able to pay my half of the rent, but I just have to tell you

something good has happened. Oh, my God, you sold a book. No, not that good.

I got a lead on a job as a personal assistant.

Oh, Con, no, come on. I mean, being a nanny makes sense because you love kids,

but a personal assistant?

Running errands and picking up dry cleaning, that doesn't really sound like

It's for celebrity chef Linda.

Clay. Oh, God, you have to take it.

Now it sounds like me.

That should be the last of the heavy stuff.

All right, there you go. You know, Ben can handle all the itty -bitty little

boxes. I don't even know why he needs a weight belt. Oh, this?

It's calfskin.

Uh, Tiffany, do you know that you have a first edition copy of The Jungle Book?

Ben has a real thing for stuff that no one else cares about.

You can take it if you want. Are you serious?

I mean, you know, cool.

So, Tiffer, you giving away any more of Bernie's stuff? Stuff with actual value?

He's pretty much taken everything that was his, some stuff that was ours, and a

few things that were mine.

What are you talking about? You know that you are entitled to half of

everything, yeah?

I don't mind. Bernie says that we're not going to get any lawyers involved.

He says that all lawyers are sharks.

Okay, Larry and I are lawyers and we are not sharks. I like to think

of myself as more of a cheetah or a snow leopard.

I like cheetahs. Larry, what about... Half lion, half robot.

Anyway, I don't want to make this divorce more unpleasant than it has to

whole thing just kind of stresses me out.

Which is why we should hit the batting cages.

What do you say?

I hate to say no, but I already packed my baseball jersey.

Well, it's more of a half jersey, so it probably wouldn't be warm enough anyway.

The batting cages are heated.

All right.

We got a problem. The rebound retrieval system is malfunctioning.

Maybe your problem is that you're always trying to work some system or strategy.

Why don't you forget about the prongs and just ask Tiffany out?

That's interesting.

I'm not sure I follow. What would happen after that?

You would go out with her. To what end? To have a nice time.

You lost me.

Just ask her if she wants to grab a drink. And would you please be careful,

okay? This is a first edition and it's just raining down croissant.

Ben, you know, just because you've been to Montreal once doesn't mean you have

to douche out every time you say croissant.

Please watch it. Oh! Oh!

Oh!

I didn't know they put real strawberries in these.

Good for them.

Good for them.

I mean, the truth is, you're overqualified for this. You work with

an adult.

At least according to some people.

Oh, so you should laugh at my jokes.

So anyway, it's your basic assistant stuff, right?

You plan parties, you try out some of my new recipes, and then you tell me that

they are awesome.

That's not a joke.

Can I give you my resume?

Oh my God, Connie. What a crazy coincidence. I was just walking by and

you are.

Chef Linda Clay? Yeah.

No way.

I am such a big fan. I mean, not in a crazy way, just in a I want to make

with you way. Oh, hi. It's very nice to meet you. You are very, very close to my

face. I'm sorry. I'm just a little bit excited and nervous. I'm such a fan of

your pumpkin ravioli. I mean, before I tried yours, the only ravioli I liked

out of a can. Kate, what are you doing? Oh, my God. I love canned ravioli.

You're going to think this is gross, but sometimes I like to eat it cold. Me

too.

They want to try to impress me by talking about artisanal cheeses and port

poached pear.

You're like this breath of fresh air.

Hi, I'm Connie. I'm here for a job interview.

I can't believe you crashed my interview. There is no way I'm going to

job now.

I thought I was very cool around Chef Linda. Yeah, it was very cool the way

asked her to sign a spatula that you just happened to have in your purse.

Hey.

How'd lunch go?

Wait. What? You knew that she was going to crash my lunch? No. What?

No. I just like to check how her meals go. And was everything to your

satisfaction? It was. Thank you. But guess who I saw? Who?

Would you idiots stop it?

Speaking of idiots, why are you wearing that belt?

I don't know. Why are you wearing that face?

Well, I think my work here is mostly done.

Should we skedaddle?

Thank you, sir.

Ben, hang on one second, okay?

Tiffany, I know this might seem a little bit straightforward and uninteresting,

but I was wondering if maybe you wanted to grab a drink before you leave. Maybe

tonight? I'm so glad I'm here for this.

Sure, that sounds great.

What?

No, no, no. She didn't understand the question.

Oh, oh, I'm sorry.

That must have been painful for you to see. But deep down, you must have always

known that you were never, ever going to get this.

Hello?

Oh, hi.

It's Linda Clay.

Really? I thought it went well, too.

That's great. I can't wait to get started.

I will be there.

Oh,

okay. Yeah, actually, she's right here. Hold on a second.

Chef Linda, what's up?

Okay. Bye.

What did she want? Oh, nothing. She was just having a dinner party tonight, and

she's making her pumpkin ravioli, and she said that I should swing by.

I will be there!

Oh, my gosh!

I thought that you ruined this for me, but I actually think that I got the job

because of you.

I'm so sorry to do this to you, Ben, but Bernice called. She's furious that I

gave that book away. I think I'm going to need it back.

What? I know, I said that you could have it, but things are bad enough between

me and Bernie, and apparently it's worth a small fortune, so if that's what's

trouble. No, that's no trouble at all.

Great. Sure.

That was the most expensive smoothie ever.

Well, they did use real strawberries, so...

Have you ever been to a fancy Manhattan Society party before?

Hey, you're going to be fine. We're A -listers now. We're going to have so

fun and seem bored by it.

Hello?

Oh.

Uh, I'm so sorry. I had no idea.

Linda, apparently I was supposed to pick up the pumpkins.

She uses fresh pumpkins.

No wonder my ravioli never turns out right.

I'm so sorry. Where do I get the pumpkins?

Said, yeah, I heard.

Can I dunk a basketball?

Yes. Can I dunk two basketballs?

You know it. Can I 360 jam? I don't know. Never tried, but I'd be very

if I couldn't.

You know, Bernie left me a week and a half ago, and that's the longest I've

alone since junior high when I had a zit on the tip of my nose.

Glad I didn't know you then.

No, I just mean, like, guys are always more than willing to swoop in and take

care of me, which is good, because I guess I'm just one of those people who

can't be alone.

Yeah.

Um, you know, maybe you just don't know how to be alone.

Maybe I just don't want to be alone.

Well... How you doing?

You hanging out with this guy or you want to come have a drink with me and my

buddies? Um, no, thank you. I'm with him.

And there's no one I'd rather be with.

Okay, you didn't ask for the life story, but thank you.

How you doing? You with this guy?

Hi, Ben.

Hey, Tiffany.

So, listen. Benjamin, I have to go to the bathroom. Would you like to go to

bathroom with me? I don't think so.

Excuse us.

Oh, boy.

Dude, I have a problem. You have a problem? Yeah. Okay, because I covered a

first edition Jungle Book with smoothie, Larry, and this is how much it costs to

replace it. Ay, chihuahua, you could buy her a gently used Fiero for that.

So now I have to tell her that her book is ruined. Why didn't I ask for a lid?

I wish I could help you, but I have problems that transcend money right now,

okay? I have Tiffany exactly where I want her, and I can't take the shot.

She's just...

She's too vulnerable.

You know, I feel something. I feel something, but instead of feeling it

I'm supposed to, I feel it somewhere right here.

It's like a... It's like a chest boner.

Okay, if you're going to call it that, do you mind not rubbing it while I'm

standing here?

Seriously, she's basically giving me the go -ahead, all right?

But what Tiffany doesn't need right now is another guy hitting on her at the

bar. I think what Tiffany needs right now is a...

Oh, my God, I said it.

Come here.

What? I'm proud of you.

Bet I'm scared.

So, here's your book.

Um, you're still holding on to it. What? Oh, look at that. I am weird.

Oh, my God, what happened? I'm sorry, Tiffany. It was an accident.

What am I going to tell Bernie?

He's going to be so mad.

I used to break him bad news after sex, but that doesn't seem appropriate

anymore.

You are not going to tell him anything.

Here, give me, give me, give me, give me. I will talk to him myself.

I did it.

I should talk to him, like a man.

Unless you think you prefer a text or an email. Does he tweet? You know what,

you're right, you're right. In person is better.

Uh, we should, we should probably get you home.

Really? Yeah. We were having so much fun. I thought we could walk across the

street. Park or take a romantic care drive?

Another time. Another time, Tiffany.

Okay.

Oh, stupid chest boner.

I

had

so much fun last night.

I told Jerry Feinfeld my joke about how you never see a cowboy eating ranch

dressing. And he smiled.

And walked away.

That's nice.

I was told not to look guests in the eye.

Wait, what? Chef Linda told you that? Oh, you mean Miss Clay? That's what she

told me to call her because as she reminded me, if I was there to have fun,

wouldn't be wearing a name tag.

I don't get it. Tracy Morgan was wearing a name tag.

Yeah, but I think he has to because he forgets who he is.

that kind of job. You were supposed to be her confidant and her personal

and her sous chef.

I knew it was a job and I knew I'd have to do stupid things like separate

toothpicks by the color of the cellophane twirly thing on top, but I

know she would be so mean about it.

I'm so shocked. She seemed so sweet. You know what?

Let me talk to her.

We're friends now.

Last night we sang a duet of Ebony and Ivory.

Which one were you? Ebony.

Are you sure you want to talk to Bernie about this? I mean, he can be pretty

scary. No.

I've got it all worked out.

I am just going to tell him if he's so worried about his first edition books,

maybe he shouldn't have abandoned them and the woman he was supposed to love.

Wow. Yeah.

In law school, they taught us if you have no defense, go on the offense.

That's a good lesson.

At Lamar's class, they taught us to imagine your vagina as a large hoop.

Okay.

And just in case things go horribly wrong with Bernie...

I wanted to give you this now.

Think of it as a little memento of your time here in New York.

Breakfast at Tiffany's?

My name is Tiffany.

Yes. Yes, it is.

This is so sweet of you. What's it about?

It's about this woman who realizes she's a lot smarter and stronger than she

thinks she is.

Wow.

Thanks, Ben.

That's Bernie. Okay.

Don't worry.

I will take care of this.

Wait. There are moments in life when you realize it's time to stand on your own.

Let me do this.

Someday I'm going to have to start taking care of myself.

Might as well be now.

But sometimes it's easier to stand on your own when you know your friends have

your back. Well, don't worry. If you need anything, I will be right here. I

think I got this.

I'm going to be like Tiffany.

Actually, her name is Holly.

Why do they call it Tiffany? After the jewelry store.

You served breakfast? You sure you want to talk to Bernie?

I'm positive.

Kate!

Connie! Hi.

What a pleasant surprise.

I hope you don't mind, but I invited Connie to join me. Mind? Of course not.

I'd just like to show you a couple pictures from last night. Oh, here's one

you with Mr.

Mario Batali.

Look at him. He's high -fiving me in the picture. Look. There I am.

In the background, cleaning the red wine off the wall that you splattered when

you went, Oh, my God, it's Mario Batali!

Yes, right, I forgot about that. Um, Connie has something that she would...

Wait, do you guys think we should eat here, or do you want to go back to my

place and I can make us all my special breakfast pot pie?

Oh, my God, you mean the recipe that's been cooking earlier in the day with

Linda Clay?

Yes.

Well... Uh, but first, there's something Connie would like to...

here with you. Oh, no.

No. You don't have to. You do not have to apologize.

That was your first day. You will get better.

Linda, um, I... I'm an adult. And as an adult, I have certain boundaries. And

last night, you crossed six of them. Seven if you include de -pimentoing

Philbin's martini olives.

That's not on me. Regis wasn't even invited.

I'm going to be your assistant. We're going to have to establish a certain

baseline of respect.

I am so glad that we're talking about this.

Because believe me, if I had known that you were this thin -skinned, I never

would have hired you in the first place.

You're fired.

What? Now, Kate, are you ready to cook all day with Linda Clay?

You know what, Linda?

You're going to regret this. Because if Connie's gone, I'm gone, too. Come on,

Connie. Let's go.

Oh, Connie, wait.

I'm going to need back your name tag.

I still can't believe it, Ben.

Tiffany was like a little bird whose wings I mended and I let her fly away

forever without even trying to have sex with her.

Well, see, there's your problem, Larry.

You should always have sex with the bird before you mend its wings.

Well, I'm officially...

It's for the best. I told you, you were too old to be an assistant.

You never said too old. And I wouldn't. Why would I say that?

Guess it looks like Hooters, huh?

I'm going to get so fat on those buffalo wings.

I don't know. Maybe this is a sign.

I've been thinking, why don't you pursue your writing for a while, and I'll

cover the rent. And then when you sell your book, you can return the favor.

That's an unbelievably sweet offer, Kate.

It almost makes up for the fact that I had to make a late night run to the

for bendy straws.

I had no idea she was going to send you out to get those.

But they were a hit.

Truth is, I don't want to be at that dumb party anyways.

Okay, that's a lie. I loved being at that party.

You know what? I love hanging out with our friends, too. I mean, they're just

cultured and classy as anyone.

What's up, bitches?

When I close my eyes, it's like I'm hearing Sir Alec Guinness.

Hi, Jane.

Hey, what? I guess you look so much better, Ben. You must have really laid

the law with Bernie. Actually, Tiffany handled it, and she did a great job.

But if she hadn't, I was ready to bring the pain.

Yeah, I gave him the book, and I told him you better not dare say a word

I moved here for him.

I was the perfect wife at every social function. I gave birth to twins and

ruined my body for him.

Yes, I used to look even better than this.

Damn it.

And I told him if he wanted to get into it, then I know a couple of lawyers who

would be glad to represent me.

I hope I didn't overstep my bounds.

Well, it's not going to be easy if you're in Florida.

Oh, yeah, I'm not going to Florida.

I like it here, and I have you guys, so I'm staying.

Really? Yes.

And, Connie, if you haven't found anything yet, I would love to have you

back. I'll take it. Oh, my God.

Oh, come on. There's no way I could cover the rent. I do not have that kind

do, Raimi.

One good thing about finding yourself alone in the world is realizing you're

never as alone as you thought. You can get through anything if you have

But just as a backup, I always order a great big plate of chili nachos.