Original subtitles

There comes a time in every relationship when you realize the person you're with

isn't perfect.

Personally, I like to bail long before that happens, but that's just me.

If someone were to get a very successful lawyer such as yourself a cake to

celebrate his 30th consecutive victory, what kind of cake would you want that to

be? Chocolate? Red velvet?

I don't need a cake, Kate, all right? First of all, a 30 -0 is not that big a

deal. Second, I haven't won the case yet. And third, red velvet.

It's not gay cocky here, Ben, all right? Need I remind you of a certain

Zenyatta? Zenyatta?

Zenyatta was a horse.

A dark chocolate mare with the same I -can't -be -beaten attitude as our own

chocolate mare here.

Until one day, she was beaten and she promptly retired.

Do you know what they do to a horse when she retires?

They grind up her bones and turn her into Jell -O, the basis for my favorite

dessert, shot, and type of wrestling.

Here comes Connie. She just had her book picked, so this couldn't be her first

sale. Or her fixed rejection, so everybody just be cool. Everybody, I

Larry.

Do I look different?

Sadly, no.

Do I look like a published author?

Oh, nice one, Kate.

Burn.

They loved her idea.

It's a fairy tale set in New York.

Okay, when do we get to celebrate?

It's not a done deal. I still have to pitch to the editor.

What's it about? I love fairy tales.

I mean, what was it about?

It's a story about a lonely little girl who goes to Central Park every day to

kiss frogs and hopes that one of them might turn into a prince.

Seems like a disease risk.

Anyway, on her way to making out with frogs every day, she passes this little

boy who's planting magic beans.

She makes fun of him. Well, when spring finally comes, she realizes that he

wasn't planting magic beans at all. He was planting a beautiful garden for her.

And the little boy and the little girl fall in love.

Gee, that's depressing.

Girl never finds a prince and she ends up settling for a dude who works for the

city?

It's a modern fairy tale. It's a fairy tale that could really happen.

Who wants to hear a fairy tale that could really happen? I mean, that's what

makes fairy tales fun.

They can't happen.

God, I'm glad you didn't write Cinderella. She'd still be dead.

Cinderella doesn't die.

Yeah, I don't really know that one.

Fairy tales can happen. Look at me and my Bernie. I was like Cinderella, and so

my prince came and rescued me from a hooters in Sarasota.

Anyway, when I was pitching to the assistant editor, I showed her real

from Central Park, and she really loved them. The only problem was that we had

to get really close in order to see the tiny screen on my camera, and my cheek

brushed up against her mole, which was much harder and cooler to the touch than

I anticipated.

You know, you can transfer the photos to your computer.

Honey's kind of a technophobe. I can actually help you out with that. I'm a

of a computer whiz.

I don't want to brag, but my hard drive is huge.

Have you seen it? Tell her.

It's like four terabytes.

Seriously, I can print those photos off and have that camera back to you

tonight. And as an added bonus, I'll take some tasteful nudes of myself.

Fine, they won't be tasteful.

Do you promise that you'll just print out the pictures and you won't do

gross to or near my camera?

Relax, Connie. Nothing is going to happen to your precious camera.

You lost it? No, I didn't lose it.

Then where is it?

It's at my apartment.

Then let's go get it.

I lost it.

Madly.

Oh, you have to leave already?

Is there any chance that you could just wear this robe all the time?

I like that idea.

Lying on the couch all day, watching soap operas, eating nachos, don't have

wear makeup or deodorant.

That got less sexy real quick.

So you're ready for your big day, Mr. 30 and 0?

Oh, yes.

I know this case inside and out. I got plenty of sleep.

I've got my lucky underwear.

You think I need a coat?

Uh, probably not. It's gonna be 58 degrees with a light wind from the east

low barometric pressure.

Somebody's been using that shower radio I bought her.

I love that thing.

Just wish it wasn't so hard to wash with.

Yeah.

Huh?

Oh, you know, you gotta lift it up to wash your chest, and then the ropes,

things all get twirled up.

Uh, wait, um, you're not...

You know you're

not supposed to actually wear it, right?

Oh, yeah. Okay, Ben, then what's the rope for?

To hang on the shower head.

Yeah, but if you don't have...

Oh, my God.

Ben.

I'm sorry.

I'm not laughing at you. I'm laughing with... No, I'm laughing at you.

I can't believe I have to pitch my story at 5 o 'clock and Larry lost my camera.

I can't believe you trusted Larry with your camera. That's helpful.

He's gonna find it. How many places could it possibly be?

Oh, jeez. Um, a buffet restaurant, a strip club, buffet line at a strip club.

Oh, yeah, laugh if you will, but the fried zucchini sticks at Flash Pants are

the real deal.

Oh, they are.

It's on my way home.

I have to apologize. I've called everywhere, and the camera's gone.

I feel like it's partly my fault.

You know what we're gonna do?

We are going to go to every single place that you went to yesterday and ask them

in person because I don't trust you on the phone. I heard the way you talked to

that census taker. She asked me like seven very personal questions.

You know what? But fine. If you would like to experience firsthand a day in

life of the great Larry Munch, I will allow it.

I just want my camera.

Very well. But if we are going to do this, you will require one rain slicker,

one universal remote, your organ donor card.

You are aware of your blood type, yes?

Gum, gum, gum, gum, gum.

Am I in a spearmint or more of a winter green mood?

Surprise me.

Spearmint's good.

I like that necklace.

Thank you.

It's no shower radio, of course, but... Um, sorry, what was that?

Oh, nothing, nothing.

It's a buck ten.

Did Ben tell you about my shower radio thing?

Of course not.

It was Daryl, the elevator boy.

Hey.

What's up?

Something good?

I'm getting to know your body language pretty well. I feel like it's something

good.

Why would you tell the whole building about my shower radio thing? Oh, that's

what this is about? No, okay, first of all, I did not tell the whole building,

okay? Maybe one guy, maybe two. I told a lot of people.

Why did you embarrass me like that? What?

Oh, God, no, I didn't mean to. I just thought it was a funny little quirk of

yours. I mean, we all have quirks, right? I'm sure I have quirks that you

are funny. That's not the point, Ben.

No, you know what? No, no, no, please, go ahead. Come on, tell me. I can take

it. You'll feel better.

No, I don't want to... Okay, fine, here's one. You use awkward pauses when

talk. I do do that.

Okay, great. Go tell everybody. Then we'll be even.

And you insist on using the word... Process instead of process. My grandma

British.

And you own not one, but two Steely Dan albums.

I'm not sure why you had to drag Steely Dan into this, but I'm glad we had a

chance. Oh, and what if I told everybody that your lucky underwear wasn't

really... Okay, Kate, that's enough.

Oh, so you wouldn't really like it if I had told people that?

No, I'd be fine with that.

Great. Okay, then I'm just going to go tell a bunch of people.

Please, tell a bunch. Yeah, perfect. Do that. I'll just be in here, you know,

psyching myself up for the trial while listening to some Steely Dan.

Oh, well, in that case, I will close the door. Good, because it's about to get

real jazzy in here.

Unbelievable. My pitch has been three hours, and so far we've been to a toy

store, the Bronx Zoo, another toy store, and now an arcade. What's next, a candy

store?

No, I distinctly remember having your camera when I left the candy store.

Excuse me.

Excuse me. Do you know if anyone left the camera here yesterday?

No. No, no one left the camera here, or no, you don't know if anyone left the

camera here?

I don't know.

You don't know if it's no, no one left the camera here, or you don't know if

don't know if anyone left the camera here?

It's a camera. It's black. It has a lens and a button you push to take a picture

with. Oh, yeah, yeah, we have that.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, thank God.

Oh, good. You're relaxing. Or at least, you know, your version of relaxing.

Sorry, this is just a big day for me.

How do I explain this to you in terms you'd understand?

Ah, what if you were going to lose your chance to go to a porn expo?

National or international.

I get it, I get it. It's a big day for you, all right? Big, big deal for you

your dumb book.

But everything's fine, all right? Which allows me the opportunity to introduce

you to Section B, Article 7 of the Larry Munch philosophy.

Let me guess, no fat chicks?

Oh, God, no. I accept all willing participants.

I am speaking of never leaving an arcade without playing a game of skee -ball.

I'm not playing skee -ball.

Then this journey has been for naught.

Fine. Give me some balls.

Oh, I got to drink first, would you?

Hold out your hand.

Cup the ball.

Feel the ball's mass.

Its weight.

Gently caress it. You know, I don't want this one anymore.

The fact is, Your Honor, if you review the documents of the 23rd, none of the

clauses in question had yet been inserted into the contract.

Mr. Parr?

Mr. Parr!

Mr. Parr, is everything okay?

Uh, yeah, yes, yes. Yes, I was just, uh, getting my briefs in order. My

documents. My documents in order.

Yes! That just happened!

How do you keep doing that? Well, Larry, you have to hold the ball.

Feel the weight of it in your hand. It's mass.

I know how to do it, Connie.

Oh, thank God.

Seriously, you are a lifesaver.

You've made my... This isn't my camera.

You sure?

Unless you took a picture of a Great Dane and a bong and... Oh, my God,

definitely not my camera.

Oh, Japanese businessmen throw the craziest parties.

Larry. No, no, hang on, hang on.

Each one is more awesome than the last.

such a joke for you all i asked you to do was print out my pictures instead you

lose my camera and i get to spend the entire day following you around

to the patented larry munch this and larry munch that you know what i

all you care about is larry munch

you so much for bringing my folder tiffany i couldn't do my pitch without

i don't feel like you have to stay i don't mind well i'm trying to put this

presentation together so i really don't have time to talk wow do i have a story

for you okay ben told everyone in the building that i wear the shower radio

around my neck wait you wear the radio i think it's supposed to go around the

shower i know where it's supposed to go

Take yourself so seriously.

Like, that's how we went to the comedy club, and you maced the comedian.

She said I have freakishly long arms.

You do have freakishly long arms.

Oh, you're so lucky I don't have my mace on me.

I showed Bernie's back every Thursday.

Okay.

No, see, one time Bernie caught me telling my friend, and I felt terrible,

he didn't get mad because he knows his fuzzy back is one of the things I love

about him.

Also, we have a very satisfying sex life.

Ben totally wasn't trying to embarrass me. He just told everybody because he

loves me and I'm adorable.

Oh, no.

What? What did you do?

I might have threatened to tell everybody this really embarrassing

about him. That is so mean and spiteful.

What was the secret?

I could tell that it was making him really, really nervous, but of course I

would never actually tell anyone, but he doesn't know that, and now he's in

court and I have to go talk to him. But wait, like, what's the secret?

In my car, I give you a ride. Oh, thank you, too. You can tell me Ben's secret

on the way.

Oh, oh, hey.

Hello, ladies.

Especially Tiffany.

Not now, Larry. Hello.

Hi. Hello.

What do you want, or did you think of another way to ruin my career?

No, Connie, I feel bad, okay? In fact, I feel so bad, I'm not even going to say

what career.

I'm just going to shut my big old mouth and give you this camera.

Did you steal it?

I bought it. I know it doesn't rescue your book pitch, but it's the least I

could do. And as far as those fairy tale pictures go, I think I did a pretty

good job of replicating them.

These are pictures of Best Buy.

It's a magical place.

Well, thank you. That was really nice of you.

You're welcome.

Excuse me.

Hello?

Really?

No, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, that's great. Okay.

Yeah, I'll be right there.

Thank you.

Found your camera.

Oh, Larry.

Oh, let's go get it. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. You stay here. I'll go get it

and bring it back. No, no, no, no, no. I want to go with you. Oh, my gosh.

If you were anyone else, I could kiss you.

If you were anyone else, I'd let you.

Hey, Pete.

Can I talk in here? Yes.

We're on a recess. We can talk.

I just wanted to come apologize.

No, I'm the one that should apologize. I had no business telling anybody about

the shower radio, even though it did bring lots of joy into many, many

lives.

It's not even that. I think I just was upset that you finally found out that

less than perfect.

I've known that for a while. I mean, look at your freakishly long arms.

I have got to start carrying mace again.

Anyway. For what it's worth, I did not tell anyone that you were pink tighty

-whities under your seat.

There are no pink tighty -whities. That's... She's drunk.

Look, Kate, if I could make it up to you, I would shout from the roof of this

courthouse every weird thing about me. But not the pink tighty -whities.

There are no pink tighty -whities.

Okay, this is it.

I'll be right back. You'll be right back? What do you mean? I'm going with

No, no, no.

You just stay in the car and relax. I don't want you getting all riled up

you pitch.

Because I really care about you.

What the hell's the matter with you?

I just don't want you to come up with me.

Oh, I'm glad you said that. Because now I'm totally coming up with you. Come on.

Could you just not?

I've seen a lot of stuff today. I don't know what could be in there that is more

embarrassing than you going totally nuts at the snow cone machine.

You don't understand. They never have root beer.

What are you hiding in here?

Is this where you buy your marijuana?

No. No.

Would you be quiet and just try not to be weird when you see what you're going

to see?

Yo.

Jakey, my man, what's up? Come on, bring it in. Come on.

Where's your mom?

Getting ready for work.

You have a kid?

Who's she?

Connie. I'm a friend of your dad's.

My dad is dead.

Oh, honey, I'm sorry.

Nice. Nailed it. I taught him that. Bam!

So your dad's alive?

Yeah, but he's in prison.

Oh, no.

Didn't even teach him that one. Nailed it again. Two for two, buddy.

Good job. Go get your mom, would you?

So where's his dad?

He is a deadbeat, lives in Jersey, doesn't visit.

So all those kids' places you dragged me to today, you don't really go there by

yourself? Of course I do. All the time. Just yesterday, I happened to be with

Jake.

I don't understand you.

Just calm down, would you? I dated the kid's mom. He got attached.

End of story.

All right.

Hey, Larry. I don't know how to find it up in Jake's backpack. I'm so sorry.

Thank you so much.

Say goodbye and go finish your homework. Goodbye. Go finish your homework.

Gotta get ready for work. I'll see you next Friday? Yeah, absolutely.

Nice to meet you. You too.

Oh,

I know. I'm handsome.

Don't you have a stupid book thing you gotta get to?

Hey,

so if you

had to guess... Who do you think would be better at skee -ball? Me?

Connie.

How did you know that?

Because Connie's better at skee -ball than anyone. Damn it, I was hustled.

Hey, it's you.

You won.

Any other guesses?

You super won.

I lost.

What? You lost?

You know what? Who cares what that stupid judge thinks anyway?

Well, my client kind of cared a little.

But, um, you know what? You can't win them all. So who won? It's Katie.

29 and 1, you got yourself a failure cake?

Confection is boring, Larry.

I have flaws, and I don't care who knows it.

In fact... Excuse me, everybody?

Everybody, I have something that I would like to say. What are you doing?

My name is Ben Parr, and I slept with a nightlight until I was well into my

teens. Oh, I hate doing this.

My name is Kate Swanson, and I can't really swim.

Well, I mean, I'm not going to drown out there, but it doesn't look... Right.

All right.

Listen up, everybody. My name is Lawrence Ebenezer Munch, and I am

Oh, my God. Are the rats back?

No, no. We're good.

How'd your pitch go? Well, they offered me fruit.

They've never offered me fruit.

Get to the point. Are they going to publish your book or not?

You know that that's not the last cake in the world, right?

Okay, well, they said that it seemed like a really good fit, and I'd hear

them in a couple days. That's so awesome. I cannot wait to stand in what

imagine will be a very long line for you to sign my first copy of your very

first book. Oh, nice one, Kate. Burn.

You can keep trying to act like a jerk, but I know that somewhere deep down

there is a decent human being.

Oh, man.

Check out the rack on that girl in the wheelchair.

Really deep down.

Well, to fairy tales.

I guess they're still possible after all.

Fairy tales.

Tiffany, what are you doing here?

Is everything okay?

Bernie wants a divorce.

The truth is, there's no such thing as the perfect relationship.

And even fairy tales can have unhappy endings.

But sometimes an ending is just a new beginning. I mean, come on. Look at that

face. You'd want to make her feel better, too.

Do you know?

That is the downside.