Original subtitles

There comes a time when every friendship is put to the test.

Yeah, okay.

Uh, who is the first man in space?

Yuri Gagarin next.

Wow, I would have thought it was Neil Armstrong.

You thought wrong, Kate, next.

Hey, I'm not sure I like pub quiz Larry.

I'm sorry.

You're right, Kate. Okay, you're new. You haven't been around me in bed during

pub quiz time. It's a charged atmosphere.

Kind of like the Olympics or World War II, but, you know, bigger.

Oh. Yeah.

I really thought my back would be better today.

Well, you know, that's what happens, Connie. You know, as the body ages, it

takes longer and longer to snap back. Pretty soon, it's easier to count the

days than the bad.

Do you have a bucket list?

I do. Um, go to space, have sex with an alien.

Oh, wait, that's yours.

I gotta stop showing Ben my private things.

You guys okay for drinks?

Hi.

What do you recommend?

I don't know.

Beer? Beer sounds incredible.

Yeah, I'll take a beer, too.

Great. Oh, can I take a peek at your ID? My ID? Um, yes, you sure can.

I'll have a beer, too.

Yeah, I saw the hand signal.

Oh, that's nice.

Cutting your back is making you feel old. Also, I think your age is making

feel old.

Hope you're feeling better for Tiffany's party on Sunday.

Nothing is going to make me happier than showing all those 25 -year -old girls

how hot I look in my new bloody dress.

I don't want to go to Tiffany's party. Who has a party on a Sunday?

That is just your back talking.

I know what we should do.

I got a free day at a spa from one of the tenants. Why don't we go tomorrow?

I don't like spas. The nudity, laying on of hands, John Tesh music.

I love how you went and buy into the idea that a day at the spa can reverse

aging process.

Much like the famed Fountain of Youth, which was searched for but never

discovered by... There it is. Up there. This is the kind of trivia sharpness

that makes us to the pub quiz. What Randy Motsen is to... Shut pudding.

Bangarang.

You guys have become super boring.

I don't think that's what you'd be saying come Sunday when we are crowned

Quiz champions for the fifth consecutive year.

I think that's exactly what we'll be saying.

See, Larry and I are like any of the great historic teams.

You know, Pippin and Jordan. Exactly.

Where I'm Jordan. That doesn't make any sense.

Anyway, speaking of Pub Quiz, you are probably going to think this is bad

but please let me finish.

before you say anything.

Nat Sachs wants to meet with us tomorrow to ask us a couple of questions before

he officially retains our firm's services. This guy invented this new web

browser. If we land him, it could be huge for our careers. Nat Sachs is full

it, okay?

We've met with him five times, and I know for a fact that he's meeting with

every other firm in the city.

Guys like him just get off on people chasing him. As a man who is pursued

regularly for obvious reasons.

I understand the allure. All right, but this has gone too far.

Yes, Nat might be a little bit flaky, but I've got a good feeling about it

time, okay? And don't worry. He said he wants to keep the meeting short. That's

what he said last time, and then I missed my mother's birthday, which was

But I care about the pub quiz deeply.

The quiz isn't until 7. We're meeting him at 2. We've got nothing to worry

about.

You know what I really like about you guys? I kind of feel like you already

mentioned a bunch of stuff.

For one... Ah, good, we're back to one.

You guys have vision.

You work really hard. When I go off on my tangents, you do your best to follow

me. Plus, you look kind of funny. There's a skinny one and a fat one, and

that.

So, I guess the only question left is, are you guys feeling this, too?

Yes. Okay, the skipper is in. How about Gilligan?

Yes, I, uh, I am in.

Gilligan is way in.

Great. Well, I'm definitely leaning towards you guys.

It's just something's not feeling perfect.

Not sure what. Then how do we make it perfect? In the next 20 minutes.

You know what?

Nothing's going to feel perfect in this stuffy office.

Come on, guys.

Is there anywhere else you'd rather be?

Well, since you asked, I would...

Nat, there's no place I would rather be.

Our love is volatile, chemical, anything but typical.

I want you badly.

I love you badly.

So, Nat, one thing I

don't think we've mentioned is that our firm is quite useful when it comes to

writing up company bylaws.

That's interesting. I think we need more champagne.

Ah, and there that is.

What are we doing? We're wasting time. We're missing the pub quiz. Larry,

We are this close, okay?

Can you just break your teeth and try, if you can, to suffer through all of

free food and against any clad women who don't speak a word of English?

Ladies.

And this magnificent city view, okay? I love that for you, that the magnificent

view is always the tougher.

Listen, Ben, I want this guy's business as bad as you do, okay? But I want it

during regular office hours.

Well, we can't just tell him that. No, obviously not. That's why when he comes

back, I'm going to say chlorine allergy and puke in the hot tub.

It's not going to be hard, man. I've had a ton of shrimp and it's really hot in

here.

Oh, Connie, trust me. This massage is going to blow you away. Every square

of you is going to get kneaded and prodded and pressed and pummeled and

But in a nice way.

Or maybe I'll skip my massage and spend more time drinking spa water.

Mmm.

Cucumbery. That's not weird at all.

Will you relax?

You're going to love this.

They told me Terry is the best. She better be.

You're a guy.

I like to think so.

So, you can hang your rope here, and then you can lay down face down on the

table, and I'll be back in a moment.

Terry, I'm just a teeny bit self -conscious about all this.

That's totally understandable, but if it makes you feel any better, I've been

doing this a long time, and I've seen a lot of things, and you have nothing to

worry about.

That sounds reassuring in theory, but you haven't seen me yet, and what if you

use my old, disgusting body to reassure other clients that they're not old and

disgusting? What do you mean, if? They told me you already signed the release.

Fine.

I'll take it off.

Get out.

Wow. When you said you liked shrimp, I thought you meant like a normal person.

How have you not grown up yet? I don't know.

So, um, going on with our plan.

I don't care about your presentation.

Okay. Today is all about getting to know you guys.

You know, the real you.

Like, what would you be doing if you weren't here with me?

Evaluating your tax exemption status.

Our client certainly doesn't need to know. A pub quiz sounds awesome,

that is.

I'm in. That is what I'm talking about. And that is not what I'm talking about.

Good, right?

Oh, my.

My back is like, wow.

My feet are like, ah.

My arms are like, yeah.

Somebody's body is talking up a storm, and you know what?

I like what it's saying.

Terry said that he thought I was in my mid -twenties because my skin was

porcelain. Which I'm sure he says to everyone.

Which I'm sure he says to no one, Con.

You're beautiful and young and vibrant.

And just because I sound like a shampoo commercial doesn't make it any less

true.

Okay, teams.

Monroe's annual pub quiz is about to begin. Who's ready?

This is it, buddy. This is everything we've worked for, okay?

We do a lot of lawyer stuff, too.

Computer science is the first category.

Oh, look out. Computer science is my thing.

The letters HTML stand for what?

We're dead.

Calm down, okay? We can figure this out. You always panic. Okay, I'm not

panicking. Let's break it down.

Okay, internet. It's an internet thing. Starts with an H. How about, uh,

internet?

Kinsernet.

Yes, Larry, it's internet.

Oh, that's right. You're a computer guy.

You must know this, right, Matt? I do.

Awesome.

Can you tell us?

This is really what you guys do in your free time?

I mean, there's like two girls here.

And I'm pretty sure they're together. No, this is just a once a year kind of

thing. We don't take it very seriously.

We need this, Matt. Everything is riding on it.

Fine. Here's a hint.

The first word in HTML begins with an H.

Oh. Oh, you know what? You know what? I got it.

Hypertext markup language.

Correct. Point for James Shaville.

Oh, yeah.

Yep.

Those girls are definitely together.

You did such a great job, my friend Connie, by the way. She was, like,

when she got out of here. Oh, Connie, she's really lovely.

She has the skin of an 18 -year -old.

We're the same age, actually.

Yeah.

We really like to take care of ourselves, you know, stay out of the sun

the right foods, moisturize.

Yeah.

Oh, wow.

What is it?

Nothing. You just got a hair growing out of your chin.

Wow, it looks like a pig's tail.

A little gray pig's tail.

What article of clothing was invented by designer Mary Kwan?

Oh, the mini skirt.

Womankind's greatest achievement.

Correct! Another point for James Shaboom!

Okay, so, what do you say, guys? How about we bust a move?

No, how about we don't? First off, because nobody's done that since the

And second of all, because we're in the lead.

It should be just a couple more minutes, Matt, if you can hang in there.

I'm going to go to the bathroom.

Look, we should probably wrap it up, Larry. I mean, he can make up ground

tomorrow night in round two. Are you out of your mind? We're on a roll.

He is close to signing, Larry. I can feel it. The next question is in the

category of food and leisure.

Food and leisure, those are my two things.

Okay, seriously, guys, I have exceeded my lame quotient for tonight.

What is the Japanese word for the fifth taste?

The client wants to go. Larry, we should probably hit it. No, no, no, I know

this, Ben. It's tsunami, origami. It doesn't matter, Larry.

No, no, no, umami. Team Shaboom is going with Mr. Miyagi.

Incorrect. Umami.

Point to Team Frodo. No!

Oh, man, check that out. You knew that one.

Dude. Why didn't you call it out?

You know what?

You're a jackass.

No, no, no, no, no. This guy's been jerking us around for five weeks now.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You're late for every meeting. You don't answer your phone. You have the

audacity to serve shrimp without shrimp cocktail sauce.

I can put up with a lot of stuff, but one thing I won't put up with is

messing with my pub quiz.

So if you want to go that badly, do us all a favor and go!

No, he doesn't mean... No, no, no, no.

It's cool.

Totally got all the information I needed on you guys.

I'm gonna call your bosses tomorrow and let them know how this little meeting

went.

You're welcome.

Potato pancake?

No, Larry, I don't want a potato pancake.

There's applesauce.

It's organic.

I just got off the phone with the partners. They wanted to know why Nat

says he's not going to sign.

Well, did you tell them it's because Nat Sachs is an entitled, obnoxious

jackass?

Yes, Larry, that is exactly what I said. And then they said, oh, we didn't

realize. So sorry to disturb you, Ben.

Please, go back to sleep.

Good, so problem solved.

You should not have done that, Larry.

We're supposed to be a team on this.

Remember, you're Pippin, I'm Jordan.

Yeah, yeah, maybe in Backwards Town.

All this over a pub quiz, Larry?

It's not about the pub quiz, Ben.

Okay, I'm done. Life is too short to chase this dude around for another five

weeks. What is five weeks?

You spent five months chasing that girl from the laundromat around. And without

getting too graphic, that girl changed my sexual appetite for life.

Forget about this guy, Ben. He's bad news, okay?

Listen, you were going to feel better tonight when you were sipping beer out

the Pub Quiz Championship Cup. I'm not coming to the Pub Quiz tonight.

Okay? I am going to go finish the job that we started.

What do you mean you're not coming to the Pub Quiz? We're a team.

That's exactly what I thought.

I'm trying to decide between these two earrings, but I don't think they're

trashy enough.

What are you doing? We have Tiffany's young person party, and now that I have

the skin of a 20 -something, I'm actually excited about going. I don't

feel like it, but you should totally go.

What? I can't go by myself.

I'm going to be doing all my weird dance moves, and I need you there to support

me.

Come on, Kate. You wanted to go yesterday.

And I'm feeling really good because... I know.

As you mentioned several times today, the massage guy said you looked young.

We're still in this.

You want to know what he told me? Nothing.

Oh, except for that I have a gray hair on my face. Gray hair on face.

Oh, really?

That's funny. Oh, come on.

Humiliating stuff like that happens to me all the time.

Like when we go out and you get carded and I don't. Or when college kids ask

if you're in their poly -sci class and they ask me if I have candy in my purse.

They were drunk and wanted candy.

Well, I am sorry. If the first time someone thinks I'm the hot one, you get

freaked out, you're too scared to get off the couch.

Too scared?

The only thing I'm scared of is getting sucked into an airplane toilet, and you

know that.

I just don't want to go. Oh, my God, you are being such a baby.

Get up and get dressed.

Now. Finally.

Jeez.

Bossy.

Let me shave first.

My legs.

How long was that? Around 57 seconds.

Oh, I'm losing my edge.

I used to be able to do a minute 10, minute 15.

World record is 19 minutes, 21 seconds.

I think I can get there.

Whoa, whoa. Now, Nat, Nat.

Look, this has been some really impressive breath -holding, but what

trying to tell you this time you dive under is that I feel really bad about

happened last night, and I hope that you will still consider giving me a chance

to represent you. I'm not working with your partner.

Y 'all do.

Well, he's not really my partner.

Smart move, then.

That guy doesn't present well. Besides, partners are just bad news. When I

started my company, I had two partners.

And now there are just two more guys who are suing me.

Which is why you need a good law firm. You know, being alone is the best.

I mean, look at me.

I got money.

I got these two ladies, Kimiko and this lady.

Magnificent view.

I got the view.

What else does a guy need?

Those are pretty much the main things.

No, I like you.

I think I could get used to you being my lawyer.

Well, that is great. You know, I just happened to have brought all the signing

documents with me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, we can get to that later.

You know, I got a few more questions for you anyway.

How do we get this together tonight?

Hey, we're going to a few clubs.

Uh, sure, yeah.

I guess I could.

Great. If Larry's not with us, we might actually meet some women.

You never know where your friendship will truly be tested.

Sometimes it's on the battlefield.

Other times it's in a hot tub with a magnificent view.

You know what, Max?

On second thought, I really don't want to go to any more clubs or

strip bars or model parties.

If you want to find these things, great. I would be really glad to work with

you. But I am done chasing you around.

And if you do sign this, you should know that Larry and I are a package deal. He

might not present well, but he is smart and he's loyal and he knows people

better than I ever will. And unlike some people, he usually wears pants to a

meeting.

Usually.

I can't believe I'm doing this.

Someone said something about my beard and you're leaving.

It's going to be dark in there. No one will even see it.

I thought I needed to see some ID.

Really?

How young and hot are we?

This is nice.

It's going to have to be a good night after all. I wasn't even going to come,

but she convinced me. I did. I told her to be kind. I don't care.

What?

Go, go, go. Get up. Oh, we're just taking a breather. Yeah, before we do

shots. I don't care.

Oh, God, that was awful. I know.

The music's so loud and it's so sticky.

And who has a party on a Sunday?

I don't know what's so great about being young anyway. You just need to pound

Red Bull and cover your boobs in glitter. I mean, maybe one gray hair

worst thing in the world. Oh, if only it were just one.

Can we just please go back to our normal bar and drink normal beer and make it

more old and wise?

I'm Harry.

I would love to. Oh, I dropped my credit card.

I'll just cancel it.

And we're down to our final four teams. If everybody's ready, the category is

the American Songbook. What famous composer wrote both Blue Skies and White

Christmas? Damn it. Ben's the theater -goer. It's Arthur Berlin. Correct.

The point goes to Team Spitfire.

You're missing your teammates.

No, not in the least. Okay, that guy was more like an anchor dragging me down.

Next question. Watch this.

How many Swiss cantons are there?

Come on.

Ben knows all the Swiss stuff.

26.

Spitfire on a little roll.

Distraction. She distracted me.

Team Shaboom falling behind.

All right, next question.

What is the world record for underwater breath holding?

Oh, you've got to be kidding me.

19 minutes, 21 seconds.

Correct.

Shaboom.

I thought you weren't coming.

Yeah, well, nobody thought Jordan was coming out of retirement, but he did.

So you're Jordan?

That's right.

That's fine.

You're my Jordan, all right? By the way, you were right about Nat Saxon. What

happened? Next question is in the category of sports.

I'll tell you all about it later. Right now, you and I have a pub quiz to win.

This famous Chicago Bull played his college ball at the University of

Arkansas. Scotty Pippen!

There are girls here.

So do you guys win your quiz thingy? No, not yet.

Next question.

What is a group of owls called?

Larry, you're the bird guy. Thank you very much. A parliament?

Correct.

Wow, you know about stuff.

Do not fall in love with me.

So what's with the outfits on you two? You look like a couple of 20 -year -old

bluesies. Thanks to me.

Yeah, you look like a couple of little tramps.

What? Larry.

In the end, the best friendships don't just pass the test, they nail the test.

And for the record, I'm Jordan.