Original subtitles

We all want the same thing, even if we call it by different names.

Camaraderie, human connection, love, or just free beer.

Oh, Kelly, I'm telling you, one of these days, I'm going to find that tattoo.

Wait, wait a second.

Is it underneath your nicotine patch?

Well, if someone were to take me out, they might get a front row seat for that

tattoo. Ew.

No, no, no. This one's on me. No, Kelly, come on. That is so nice. Thank you.

Last one.

You are so disgusting.

What? Did I burp? I'm telling you, I don't even know when I'm doing it

You're just flirting with Kelly to get free beer.

You don't know that I don't like her. Do you like her? Look at her. She's like

50.

She's 37.

Yikes.

Ben. Hey, Ben.

Settle this for me.

Connie thinks it's unfair that I flirt with Kelly for free beer, but I say,

what's the harm if I'm bringing a little joy and light into an 80 -year -old

woman's life?

Larry, she's like 50.

Well, good luck with this, guys.

We're out of here.

Connie, we'll be at our place studying for finals.

What? We haven't changed our code since college.

Boy, studying for finals is a lot more fun than I remember.

Well, I have never had such a hands -on professor.

I like it.

No, I have office hours tomorrow.

Well, then maybe I will just stop by with my... book.

You guys are ruining my favorite part of Thursday.

Street cleaning day.

No one ever reads the signs, even though it's very clearly marked.

Goodbye, maroon BMW.

What? I have a maroon BMW.

Not for long.

Not as much fun when you know the person.

Hey, Connie's friend.

Clyde, my name's Kate, and you know that.

That's an assumption.

Is Connie home?

Never mind. I already know she is. I always know.

Hey, you're home.

Hi, Clyde.

I'm throwing a little soiree this weekend.

I know you don't have any plans.

How do you know that?

Thin walls.

But our walls don't even touch.

Yeah.

Anyway, I do have plans.

You sure?

Because you haven't mentioned them out loud.

Nolan? It's gone.

Who has a car in New York City anyway?

My car got towed.

Thursday is street cleaning day.

Pretty clearly marked, as Connie already told you.

Maybe. How would I know?

That sounds perfect.

Yeah, Ben, I got a couple questions about this. Well, I have the directions

my email. I don't like these yellow ones. Okay, I will see you on Sunday.

Barry, what is this the universal sign for? Uh, we're number one.

Give me a beer.

North. Yes, that's what I was trying to tell you, Larry.

North.

So, a lady upstate just bought my car. No, what? You can't sell her car.

Again, it is my car, and it's already done. I never use it anyway.

All right, first of all, it has a name, thank you very much. And secondly, I use

Oksana all the time. You use her when you're too lazy to walk a half block to

the market.

That car is magical, Ben.

We never hit traffic lights. We always get the best parking spots. I have never

once put an ounce of gas in a tank. Somehow, it's always full.

Yeah. I guess magic is the only explanation for that.

Look, it's too late, okay? I'm driving her up to the buyer on Saturday, so...

Fine, fine. But you know what? I'm coming with you.

One last road trip. Me, you, Oksana.

My date just canceled for the Rangers game.

I'd take you, Connie, but I'm not going to, um... Oh, I guess that's it. I'm not

going to.

Ooh,

I have an idea. Why don't you take Kelly to the Rangers game? Ha. The Rangers?

I love the Rangers.

She loves the Rangers.

I know, but Connie misheard me, actually. I'm not going to a Rangers

um... I'm going to the... Strangers game?

Hey, Kelly.

How's about a beer, huh?

Sure.

Here you go.

Thank you.

That's six bucks.

You are going to make an angry lesbian very happy someday.

Larry, Ben told me about the road trip. I love road trips.

That's nice for you. Kate was thinking we could all go. But then you told her

that the car wasn't big enough for three people, right?

He did, but then I said we could get another car to follow behind.

And who's going to be in that car? Me?

I was thinking that Connie and I could rent a car, so on the way up.

You and Ben drive in Ben's car. Connie and I follow behind. And on the way

we all ride together.

That sounds fun.

Who's this other Connie that you know?

Come on, Connie. It'll be so fun.

We'll play car games. I hate car games. We'll date a nice B &B. I hate eating

with strangers.

We'll go antiquing. Old things make me uncomfortable.

That's what I was saying about Kelly.

Fine, Connie. You can stay here this weekend with Clyde.

Road trip!

I love his bottle! Chemical, chemical, anything but typical. I want you

badly.

I love you badly.

Oxana still handles like a dream, doesn't she? We haven't even had red

20 miles.

We're on a highway.

Oh, God, Larry.

What? You know about my open emissions policy, all right? No warnings, no

apologies.

Okay, you know what? Not that this isn't, you know, awesome, but maybe we

mix it up a little. Like, you can ride in the other car, and I can ride with

Kate, who has a zero emissions policy.

No one has a zero emissions policy, Ben, all right? Besides, you don't want to

put the car along with Kate. It's too soon for the solo road trip.

Need I refer you to... Yes, I know, I know. The Larry Munch love doctrine.

doctrine, exactly. Which states very clearly, while a relationship should be

consummated within the first 90 minutes of contact, all other milestones, i .e.

road trips, expressions of emotional connection, going to the farmer's

should be put off indefinitely.

You know, I'm getting a little tired of all your theories and policies and...

Oh, God, Larry!

What is wrong with you inside?

Do you live in the water? Yes.

Are you smaller than a bread box?

Yes. Are you a clownfish? Sure.

You're not a clownfish, are you? No, I'm still a person who hates playing 20

questions.

Not a problem. We can play something else. Let me just get something out of

road trip activity kits. Or, as I like to call them, my fun bags.

Why don't we play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest?

I know what we should do.

We should trade cars because I have a feeling that Ben would love my phone

I'm sure he would, but I'm not riding with Larry.

I'd rather pick up a drifter or a bag of garbage or a drifter holding a bag of

garbage.

Trust me, I'm not any happier about this than you are. As long as we don't have

to play any car games, we'll survive.

Just point me in the direction of the pepper jerky and go on your peep out of

me, all right?

Pepper jerky.

I didn't have any pepper jerky.

I've been lied to.

I've been lied to!

Do you live in the ocean?

Yes.

You're not a clownfish, are you?

Yeah, I'm a clownfish, Kate.

Come on, you're going to have to do better than that.

Are you a seahorse?

Damn it.

You know, a guy spent time painting these lines on the road, the least you

do is acknowledge them. I can't be at night without my driving glasses.

Can you get them for me? They're in my suitcase.

Glasses? You mean you can look even weirder?

I'll go get them for you.

Okay, this is dangerous.

Stop it. You're doing that on purpose.

Okay, what do we got here?

Ugly sweater, stupid jeans.

What do you need a bra for?

Are you kidding?

It's the police.

Well, if only someone had told you to drive better.

What are you doing?

Don't try to fool this guy into thinking you're a girl.

License and registration.

Oh, gosh, officer, did I do something wrong?

I caught you doing 23 miles above the limit. And before you feed me some sob

story... You should know, I don't let people off.

Ever. Because I believe in the law.

Without law, we like animals.

Animals with cars.

So, let's cut to the chase.

Constance. Connie.

Call me Connie.

Officer Barrett.

It's, uh, Dennis.

Hi, Dennis.

Are you kidding me? Dennis? Hey, excuse me. She was knowingly speeding, and now

she's playing you.

Is... Is he your boyfriend, Connie?

God, no.

Are you playing me, Connie?

Well, if I'm going to obey my own honesty policy, I'm going to have to say

See? She's playing you.

I like your policy.

Almost as much as your smile.

Look, like I said, I make a stop, I write a ticket.

Why don't you ask me what the ticket's for, Connie?

What's the ticket for, Dennis?

It's for him.

He's not wearing a seatbelt.

Barry's crazy.

Yeah? What are you talking about?

No, it's just... He said that it was too soon for us to go on a road trip.

That no good could come of it.

He's right.

If by no good, he means tons of fun.

Exactly.

What could be better than this? You know, it's a beautiful night. I'm with a

beautiful woman with amazing fun bags.

I mean, I am having the time of my life.

I just, I love the road. You know, I love driving.

I love gaming. I love you.

tinier and crappier.

How's this going to work? Two double beds, four of us. Where are you three

to sleep?

Can we please take the other car and go to a different motel? The guy said this

was the only hotel for like 40 miles.

Of course he said that. Otherwise, who is he going to murder in the shower?

Larry, my car is being fixed right across the street, okay? And this place

not that bad.

Bed is actually pretty comfortable and slightly damp.

Wow. You're having just one heck of a road trip, aren't we?

You're just grumpy because you got a ticket.

I got your ticket, all right? And the only reason you didn't get it is because

you were so pathetically using your feminine wiles on a guy who was pathetic

enough to fall for them. What are you talking about? What Dennis and I had was

very special. In fact, it was so special that he gave me his phone number with a

smiley face underneath it.

Oh, okay, let me get this straight. When I manipulate a lonely bartender, it's

disgusting, but when you manipulate a lonely state trooper, special.

I have every intention of calling him. You do? Well, why don't you do that

now? Because I need a snack.

And I think I saw a machine outside, so I'll do that first. I'll come with you.

I need a soak.

You're going to take a bath here?

Yeah, yeah. Why do you think I came on the road trip? I don't have a tub in my

apartment. This will give me an opportunity to explore my wide array of

and scents.

Lavender or citrus?

God, it's Sophie's choice.

I told Kate I loved her.

What? I know, I know, I know. It was stupid. It just flipped out.

Wowee. And I'm assuming she didn't say it back?

She crashed the car.

So, no?

She freaked out. Of course she freaked out. You want to know why?

Because you violated Article 1, Section 4 of the Larry Munch Love Doctrine,

which prohibits verbal expression of emotional connection.

How do you have time to be a lawyer?

Well, there's your job, and then there's your calling.

Well, I guess you were right.

I mean, now I don't know what to do. Should I tell her that I didn't mean it,

and she should just forget it?

Oh, oh, you're asking my advice.

Yeah, yes, wise choice.

Um, have you ever seen a movie called The Wizard of Oz?

Yes, I have.

Good, okay, well, this is like that, okay? I am the great and powerful Oz,

would make you Dorothy.

Connie is obviously the wicked witch of the West. And Kate, I don't know, Kate

would be Glenda the good witch.

I get it. No, listen, fine, fine, fine, fine, listen. All right, I...

I've never been in love.

It's never happened. But I imagine that if I ever was, I wouldn't go hiding from

it or saying that I didn't mean it.

That's ridiculous.

You know, I would walk right up to love, and I would just grab it by the breasts

and squeeze.

You know what?

That's exactly what I'm going to do. I mean, not the squeezing part.

Thanks, Larry.

Lavender and citrus.

Shaboom!

Come on, Kate. Let's go back inside.

No, he said he loved you.

He's a good guy.

You should talk to him. You can't just stay out here all weekend. You'll freeze

to death.

Well, freezing is supposed to be a very peaceful way to die.

Hey. Thanks a lot.

So,

about what happened.

Yes.

My insurance will cover the damage to your car.

I'm kidding.

I don't have insurance.

I'm not avoiding this. It might be so cold I can't speak. Please can we just

back inside?

Yeah, but... They're in there.

You know what?

Come with me.

If you're looking for your phone, I have it in here.

Sweet Moses!

It's the most natural thing in the world, Con.

Man bathing.

Just give me my phone.

I'm in the middle of a conversation. Do you mind?

Hold on one second. I just, I want to make sure you really like that cop,

You're not just doing exactly what I was doing with the bartender the other

night, right?

Right. Great, okay.

Yeah, she's right here, Officer Barrett.

Is she free tonight? I am willing to bet cash and money she is free tonight.

Hey, yeah, hang on a second. I'll put her on.

Here she is.

It's your soulmate.

Hi, Dennis.

Actually, I don't know if I'm up for going out tonight.

You want to come over here?

Okay,

great. I'll see you soon.

If there was a toaster in here, you would be a dead man.

If there was a toaster in here, I'd be enjoying a Pop -Tart.

Okay, look, I don't know why I said it. I know it's too soon. It just...

It just came out. No, I... I was just a little surprised.

Yeah, I could tell by the way you drove into that tree.

Sorry.

So, let me guess.

You're not the kind of person that just throws around the L word, huh?

No, I actually say the L word all the time. I mean, to just about anyone.

That's not at all comforting.

No, what I mean is, I usually just use it too casually. Like, when you see

someone, you say, hey, great shirt, and you don't even mean it. You said this

was a great shirt.

And it is. I mean, that is... A great shirt.

Well, I don't say the L word casually.

In fact, I don't say it at all because I don't usually feel it.

And I was going to tell you that it was a mistake and try and take it back, but

it wasn't.

So, I'm sorry if I freaked you out.

But I'm not hiding from love.

I'm walking up to love and grabbing it by the... I love you.

What?

Okay, did you just say that to shut me up or because you love me?

To shut you up.

So what did we learn? I guess just this. If you must say the words, I love you,

try not to be operating heavy machinery when you do.

No, they don't have any alcohol, but they have Tab or Moxie.

What year is it here?

Oh, hey there, officer.

Mr. Munch?

I'm sorry, did you want tap?

Um, I'm still deciding.

You guys, the electricity between you is palpable.

So, Dennis, what is it that you do with your free time?

Zap.

David, go away.

Fine, fine. I will just be right here.

So, what do I...

I like to do it in my free time.

You know, typical stuff.

Reading mystery novels.

Yeah. Take the boat out on the lake.

Fun. I know this guy in Japan I like to Skype with.

At least, I think it's a guy.

Wow.

Japan. Yeah.

Time change must be a killer.

Look, I know you were flirting with me to get out of that ticket.

I guess I was just hoping there was a small chance you were really interested

me.

Anyway, I'm going to head over to City Hall.

Street cleaning. I love watching them tow cars.

It was nice to see you.

And you might want to adjust your robe. I can almost see your genitalia.

Wow.

Wait, wait. Um, uh... Do you ever get down to the city?

Actually, my folks live in Queens, so I'm down there quite a bit.

Do you want to maybe grab dinner sometime?

Wait, what's happening? This is not part of my plan.

I would love to go to dinner.

I know a great Japanese place.

Oh, Keith. Oh, hey. And Ben.

This is Officer Dennis Barrett.

Hello, Officer. We were just walking. Walking. Walking.

Oh, I know what you were doing.

Your BMW was rocking erratically.

Erratically?

I thought we had a pretty good rhythm going. I mean, I don't know what you're

talking about, Officer.

Don't sweat it. I'm off duty.

Talk to you soon, Connie.

And, hey, lock this behind me. The night clerk here is on parole for some pretty

hairy stuff.

Hey, is it true that most cops never take their gun out of their holster?

What, are you kidding?

How are you going to shoot anybody with your gun in the holster?

I guess if you were small and kind of hugging on my leg.

Can I call you when I'm in town again? You better.

Maybe next time, officer, I will treat you to a donut in the morning.

That sounds great.

But I'm afraid the donut thing is a bit of a relic.

Once the cupcake craze hit in 04, we never looked back.