Original subtitles

If you're unfortunate enough to be in a relationship that lasts longer than a

week, you're bound to hit some milestones.

Some of them are small.

This splitting sandwiches thing is genius. The only thing better than a

sandwich is pastrami and roast beef together.

Oh, my God. We just invented the pastrami sandwich.

And some milestones are a bit more milestone -y. We have to remember this

sister, Julia. She would love pastrami.

I'm so happy you're finally going to meet her. I couldn't be more excited.

You know, he actually means that. He's the only guy I know who likes meeting

family. Oh, what can I say? I'm a... Family's wet dream.

Not what I was going to say, but I do tend to wow the relatives.

So what are you and Julia going to do? Well, first off, obviously we're going

go see Annie. She loves that show. Annie, I thought you said Julia was 25.

Annie is a treat for kids ages 5 to 95.

Isn't very true.

I'm a fan.

Again, he's not lying. Listen, I think your sister might be more interested in

the Larry Munch New York experience.

Sorry, Larry. We already have a Hooters where we grew up.

Guys, Julie's going to want to do things she can't do in a small town, like

climb a skyscraper or go to a sporting event or talk to a Jewish person.

Um, I should... I'll talk to you about something before my sister gets here.

Julia's always been a little shy and awkward. She got picked on a lot growing

up. They called her four eyes and gray face and dumbo. Does she have big ears?

No, she just always wore a dumbo shirt.

Anyway, I've kind of always had to look out for her.

She is lucky to have you. My older siblings used to beat me up a lot.

Well, brothers are different.

Yeah, brothers.

Oh, my God, she's here.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. You finally made it.

Did you have any trouble finding the driver I sent you? No, no. But I tipped

and I sent him on his way because I really wanted the whole New York

So I hopped on the subway to Grand Central and then I hailed a cab from

And then just now outside, I pretended I didn't hear a homeless man when he

asked me for money.

Oh, you must be Ben.

Oh, hi.

Hi. Hi.

Wow.

I know.

Same old Dumbo.

Our love is volatile, chemical, anything but typical. I want you

badly.

I love you madly.

We should probably finish our drinks and go. We do not want to be late for the

greatest musical of all time.

Annie.

I'm so sorry, you guys. I could only get three tickets.

Annie sucks.

Larry, would you come help me close up my tab?

If I'm going to make a good impression on

Kate's sister, it probably wouldn't hurt if you didn't make fun of her favorite

musical. How about Kate's sister?

I'd definitely hit that.

It means I'd have sex with her. I know what it means.

Focus on something else. Ben, I'm not a toddler, okay? You can't just divert my

attention for one minute. Nah, hello, pretty lady.

Hi. So, what are we going to do while I'm here? I hear the bars stay open

like, 4 a .m. They do, but we're going to need our sleep because I have a very

ambitious museum schedule planned for tomorrow.

Then maybe you two can do something a little more fun.

Totally. We are spending the afternoon at the Central Park Zoo.

What? Does that not sound like fun?

Sounds great.

I have the sweetest picture in the whole wide world.

Aw, really?

Keep walking, pal.

Thank you.

All right, well, we should probably get going. We don't want to miss maybe.

Or whatever the opening number is.

What's going on? You just having a little chit -chat with all your friends?

What about your new friend? Why don't we invite her over here?

She'll come around.

Unless she does first.

Hello, lipstick.

Yeah, call her that. She'll be blown away by your cleverness.

No, actually, I am having a bit of an off nightly.

What do you say you and I join forces, huh?

A bit of a wingman scenario?

Or in your case, a wing... No,

I had it right the first time.

I'll do this, but here's how it's going to go. See that guy behind you?

Look now, dumbass.

I'll help you hook up with her if you help me with him.

He looks like a douche.

Fine, forget it. All right, no, no, no. Listen, of course I'll help you. I will,

okay?

And, you know, your poor taste in men shouldn't slow us down. What's important

is that we're out here helping each other.

What's the phrase I'm looking for?

Find companionship?

Yeah, find companionship. That's what we'll pretend we're doing.

Okay, Julie, if we get separated, we'll meet right over there at Will Call. Ooh,

programs! Ooh, we can add them to the collection!

You can grab me one, too, if you... Pretty excited, huh? If I hear tomorrow

more time, I'm gonna slit my wrist.

Wow.

That's kind of dark.

I thought you liked this show. When I was ten.

I'm a grown -up now. I'm in the most exciting city in the world.

Listening to some curly -haired kid screech for three hours is the last

that I want to do.

Cut the programs. Yay!

It's about to start.

I wonder if Sandy's going to be played by a real dog.

Oh, I hope so.

Very dark.

All right, she's back.

What's the plan?

Okay, here's what you do. Go up to her and ask her for the time. The time?

Yeah. No, thank you. I'll stick with my tortured astronaut routine.

Damn this universe.

Wow, you need me a lot more than I need you.

Ask her for the time.

All right, okay.

Fine, it's not going to work.

Pardon me.

Could I trouble you for the time?

She wants to have my children.

Watch and learn.

Hey, excuse me. That guy you were just talking to, are you two together?

No. Why?

Well, I wanted to talk to him, but I wanted to make sure he was single first.

Oh.

Hi.

I'm Connie.

Can I join you?

What is the matter with you?

Just act like we've never met.

That is a nice thought. What are we doing?

Well, my words are telling you that you repulse me, but my big smile and my

flirtatious hair flip are telling her that another woman is interested in you.

I'm going to laugh now.

But don't think it's because I find you amusing.

She's looking over here.

You see, the key to women is they want what other women have. You don't have

Which is a relief, because if I did, I'd know I'd hit rock bottom.

Now pretend you're telling me that you're not interested. I'm not

Seriously, get away from me. Go, go.

Not interested.

Holy crap.

Well, we got through act one.

Barely, because all I could do not to throw myself off the balcony.

I know, this production is a joke.

But that's not what you meant.

The bar was fun. I wish we could go back there.

If you really don't want to be here, why don't you just tell Kate?

Because every time I say something to her, all she hears is a ten -year -old

little girl talking.

I'm sure Kate just wants you to have a good time.

Tell her how you feel. I'll back you up.

Maybe you're right, Ben.

You know, you're quickly becoming my favorite of Kate's boyfriends.

Well, that is not my goal.

But if it happens, so be it.

Okay. Who thinks she's going to end up with Daddy Warbucks?

Kate, um, Julia has something that she would like to tell you.

Ben has a migraine and wants to go home. Pardon?

Really, Ben?

He didn't want to say anything, but it's really, really bad.

Right, Ben?

Oh, yeah.

I'm going to go freshen up in the ladies' room.

Don't go anywhere.

Okay.

So?

I'm impressed, you know? And now it is your turn. Here comes you guys. Stand

back and watch the master. Excuse me. Hey, this girl likes you.

That's it?

Afraid so.

Hi. Larry.

Hey. The show's over already?

No, Ben got a migraine, which mysteriously cleared up in the cab.

Well, you guys came to the right place.

It's a meat market in here, and the price of Larry's bone -in ribeye is

the roof.

I want to get out of here so badly.

Me too. The place is such a scene on Saturdays. Why don't we just go home?

I've never even seen a scene.

Do you care if I just stay for one drink? I can't leave if you don't. No,

ahead. I'll keep an eye on her. Really? Yeah. She couldn't be in better hands.

Are you sure you want to stay? I have your favorite ice cream at home.

Oh, you do?

Huh. Well, this is a tough one.

30 minutes, and then I'll come home to some rocky road.

Bye.

All right, let's do some shots.

I'm all set. Thank you.

Tonight is going to be a big night.

Do you mind? Some of us are trying to sleep.

Larry, you're not supposed to still be here.

What have you done?

Well, Connie, you see, when a man and a woman like each other very much or don't

even know each other at all... Oh, my God!

Do you have any idea what Kate is going to do if she comes out here and finds

you? I'm sorry.

I fell asleep.

We did have quite a long lovemaking session.

Please get out of here and, for the love of God, close the flap of your boxer

shorts. Interesting your eyes went there.

Larry,

what the hell are you doing?

Oh, no. Oh, yes.

Oh, no. Oh, yes. No, no, no.

No, this cannot have happened. I told Kate Julia was in good hands. She was.

Oh, God. If Kate finds out, if Kate finds out I let this happen, she will

me with the nearest sharp object.

Kate! Kate!

What's Larry doing here?

Connie slept with Larry.

What? What?

What?

Yep, that is exactly what happened.

I mean, the way you two go at it, there's got to be something underneath

Well, listen, I'm going to go into the kitchen. You should come, Larry. We'll

get some bagels. There are bagels here? Why didn't anybody say anything?

All right.

Let's hit up those bagels.

There are no bagels, you idiot.

How did this happen? I watched her the entire night.

Don't blame yourself. It was out of your hands the moment Julie laid eyes on me.

Julia.

Julia.

Yeah, all right.

Listen, the point is that if a woman wants the Larry Munch experience, ain't

nothing going to stop her.

Something seemed to stop the other girl you were talking to last night.

Well, it turns out she had a boyfriend.

But using Connie's trick, I asked her to make it look like I was rejecting her.

Which then caught the eye of Julia.

Yes.

And although you tried your best to keep us apart, When a woman yearns for

something with such yearning, she finds a way.

She did that?

Now the five button won't work.

And then she flipped me her number.

And then something else.

Her tongue was the other thing.

Man, she was the...

One person in that bar who was off limits, and you couldn't leave her

don't understand what the big deal is. It was just two consenting adults giving

each other pleasure. Oh, God.

Great pleasure.

Okay, look, you cannot screw this up for me. As far as the world is concerned,

you were with Connie. That is not fair.

I slept with that hot girl, and you want me to pretend I slept with Connie?

That's like going to see Led Zeppelin and telling everybody I saw sticks.

We're going to go out there, tell Connie that you had a lovely evening, grab

your stuff, and leave.

Fine, fine. But are you sure there are no bagels here?

I can't believe this. This is like finding out that the Yankees slept with

Red Sox.

How does it start?

She booty called him.

You booty called him?

I booty called him.

You what?

What did you say? I don't know.

Oh, come on. I said, Larry, it's Connie.

I want your booty in my bed. So get it over here before I fall asleep.

Well, Larry's got to go.

Wait, no, we were just hearing about the booty call.

The booty call?

You know, the one Connie made to you.

Last night.

Yes, the booty call.

Uh -huh. What did you think was your call? Oh, God.

Oh, so many things.

I think the main one was that it was inevitable. She's wanted me since the

moment she laid eyes on me.

Okay, bye, Larry.

Yeah, but if I'd known how disappointing it would be, I might not have wanted

you so much.

Really?

You seemed pretty satisfied at the time.

Yeah, I'm the first woman who ever faked an orgasm.

Well, I may be the first man who ever faked an orgasm.

Faked it pretty quick.

Oh, really? Oh, you know what, guys?

I... Thank you for

a wonderful evening.

I'm out of here.

Wait. Why is your sweatshirt in Julia's bed?

the matter with you people? Listen, Kate, I didn't sleep with Connie last

I slept with Julia.

Julia, is this true?

Oh, my God.

Um, I don't even know where to start. Uh, Connie, you lied to me.

Larry, shame on you. And Julia, go to your room.

Kate, just go, young lady.

You know what, Kate? I'm glad you found out I slept with Larry.

Because I'm not a little kid anymore, and you need to stop treating me like

You'll need a jacket.

You're supposed to keep an eye on her. What the hell happened? Kate.

If a woman wants the Larry Munch experience, ain't nothing gonna stop

her.

You know what?

I don't really want to look at any of you right now.

I hope you're happy, Larry.

Of course I'm happy.

I had sex with Kate's sister.

Kate still hasn't come out of her room.

I understand why she's pissed at you guys. I just, I don't know what it is

I did.

Twice.

Gross.

Hi. Oh, hey, there you are. I just wanted to come say goodbye to you all.

Listen, Julia, I just wanted to remind you that what we did last night, that

a one -time thing.

Unless you want to do it again.

Uh, I'll have to take a rain check on that, but when I get back in town, I'll

come find you. That shouldn't be too hard. He shows up on Google Maps.

Listen, Julia, can I, um, can I talk to you for a second?

Can I have a shot, please?

We're good on the shot. Listen, um,

don't leave without making up with Kate.

The only reason I lied to her is because I'm an adult, and she flips out every

time I act like one.

Being an adult isn't just doing things that you're not allowed to do when

a kid. It's taking responsibility.

It's being considerate of other people's feelings. It's voting.

You know what? You guys make a great couple.

She's the overbearing mom, and you're the lecturing dad.

Do you think Kate and I make a great couple?

I've just come to get my stuff.

Plus, Ben already lectured me, so I really don't need to hear anything else.

Well, um, you're going to hear one more thing. Not if I do this.

I'm sorry that I treated you like a child. Because you're not a child.

Obviously.

What did you just say?

I said I'm sorry.

I was just sitting here thinking about the day that I left for college.

The last thing I saw was you standing up in that treehouse, waving.

I guess that's what I still see when I think about you.

But, Kate, I'm not that little girl anymore.

I know that.

Because if you were, Larry would be in jail right now.

Look, why don't we spend your last day here doing something that you really

to do? Name it. Something adult. We can go to a club. We can take drugs.

Or how about we just sit and talk?

And have some of that ice cream you were talking about.

Wow, I would really, really love that.

Out of ice cream.

Ooh.

Oh, nice work. He's totally into you.

Please go, Hayes.

You know, I don't know why you were always looking elsewhere when you've got

something right in front of you.

Who, Jared?

I tried that. He's gay.

Now, I'm saying that over the last couple of days, there's been a lot of

about you and I...

getting intimate, and I don't think it's the worst idea ever. Larry, there's no

worse idea.

David Caruso leaving NYPD Blue was a better idea.

The WNBA is a better idea.

Labradoodles are a better... Well, actually, that's a worse idea.

I don't know. Why don't you think maybe we just take a little test run or

something? No, don't. Get away from me.

You're welcome.