Original subtitles

When you meet the right person, it can feel like you've known them your whole

life. Hey there, you.

Hey, you.

Here. Hey, Ben's shadow.

Hey, Kate's failed science experiment.

Ben? I didn't have your address, so here's your invitation to Kate's

party. Larry, I guess you can come, but I didn't want to waste an invitation on

you. Naturally.

You didn't mention it was your birthday.

I don't like to make a big deal out of it. No, she lets me do it, so she seems

modest. What was I supposed to say? It's my birthday.

Celebrate me. I know that we've only been going out for a few weeks, but you

better get me something.

And it better be awesome, but not too awesome, because that would creep me

No, but I think any of us have. She thinks all that stuff.

You are cordially invited to attend the 25th annual Kate Fest?

Kate Fest. Stop it. That's why you don't get one.

We have been doing this since we were nine. We had a lot of cute names for

things back then. Like, she used to call her pajamas her pajay -jay.

Thank you for that, Kate. I am going to save that for later.

So, you've been throwing this party for 25 years?

Were any of them pajay -jay parties?

I don't know why you even bother putting those in your pretend pocket.

The name comes from the first one. We were in third grade and we just met. She

was new to school. We both forgot our permission slips for the planetarium

trip, so we had to spend the whole day reading.

Hi, I'm Kate.

I'm Connie.

Kind of a lousy way to spend my birthday.

I'm going to choose to not be offended by that.

No, no, no, I meant it's okay.

I was just kidding.

Connie took me under her wing that day. She threw the first cake fest in Mrs.

Krebs' classroom.

The birthday cake was a ding -dong.

And we've been best friends ever since.

Kind of reminds me of how we became friends, huh, Larry? Yeah.

Hey, man.

Hey.

Wow.

Magical. A little bit.

A little bit magical.

You are calling the party the Kate Gatsby?

It's a 1920s game.

How are you not making fun of yourself?

You don't have to come if you don't want to.

No, no, no. I might drop by.

No, no, no, Larry. This is not an I might drop by party.

I need a yes or a no.

Put me down as a maybe.

Wait, hold on.

It says co -hosted by Tiffany Haynes. That wouldn't be your blonde, hot boss

that's totally into me, would it?

No, it'd be my blonde, hot boss that's totally married.

So we agree that she's hot. Good.

Change me to a yes.

Okay, who needs a three days before her birthday drink?

I do. All right, wait here.

It'll be a surprise.

Larry, join me.

Yeah. Larry, join me.

Okay,

so this is not a big deal. I just have two days to find the perfect gift for a

brand new girlfriend.

Whoa, don't freak out. Here's what you do.

You break up with her.

I keep forgetting to stop listening after you say here's what you do.

I love you, Manny.

I love you, Manny.

I'm here. What is it? What's this amazing gift you got for Kate, huh? Is

turquoise jewelry?

Lighted mirror? Massage chair?

Larry, this is my first gift for Kate, okay? I can't get her something out of a

SkyMall catalog.

Do you know that they have speakers that look like rocks?

So you hear music, and you're all like, doo -doo -doo, where's that music coming

from? All I see are rocks.

Yes, Larry, I already know what to get you for your birthday, but Kate is not

you. For Kate, I need something special, something personal, so... Oh, no,

what's he got?

Oh, I misunderstood. I thought you were getting a gift for Kate, not for Roger

Ebert.

It's a vintage King Kong poster on her favorite building in New York.

It fits perfectly by the door in her apartment. I measured.

Did you also measure under her bed? Because that's where she's going to put

What did you get your girlfriend for her last birthday? Oh, zing.

Anyway, because I am the perfect boyfriend, I am now going to go help out

Kate's party.

You are so wet.

At Tiffany's apartment.

Let's share a cab.

Oh, Tiffany, why do you have a picture of a supermodel on your countertop?

That's me!

What?

You are so cute and so nice to help set up for the party.

Oh, it's my pleasure. I am addicted to helping people.

A little help, Larry? Not now, Ben.

So, Tiffany, where is that pesky husband of yours hiding, huh?

Brian took the twins and our vacation nanny up to Boca to see his mother. It's

her birthday, too.

But you're not going, is it? Oh, no. Oh, no.

Is everything okay with you and Bernie? Oh, yeah, I never go.

That's always my gift to Bernie's mother.

It's really cool of you to, like, kind of use your place, Tiffany.

Oh, my God, are you kidding? I love throwing parties.

And I never get to do it anymore because... Bernie's a drag.

No, because we have twins now.

Anyway, I feel like I'm the one that should be grateful because... Because

Bernie's gone for the weekend?

No, I need three bartenders at seven. Why would I need seven bartenders at

three?

Well, those people drink too much.

Ben! Those plates don't go there. What are you doing here? He's addicted to

helping. But you're like, Connie, it's all so stressful for you. What if we

cancel Kate Fest this year? I don't know. This isn't stressful for me.

The dance floor.

Hey, Connie, I was thinking we could clear out the furniture in the living

and put the dance floor there.

Sweetie, I love your ideas. I just don't want to hear any more of them.

Wow. I mean, I'm not used to Connie caring so much about something.

It's like Larry crying at a car commercial.

That car was there for all the big moments in his life.

Every year, it's the same thing. I mean, for the three weeks leading up to my

birthday, she turns into a crazy person. I mean, the parties are fine, but I

would so much rather not live with a lunatic for a month every year. So why

can't you just tell her?

Oh, yeah. I'll just say, hey, Connie, you know those parties that you've been

throwing for me for the past 25 years? They turn you into an unbearable

so just stop it.

Yeah, do that.

I don't want to come off as a...

Saying how you feel is not being a bitch.

You can be honest with Connie without being a... I really

can't. Don't make that face.

Oh, I hate that face.

You've seen it? Yeah, I've seen her face.

I don't like disappointing people. I mean, it's the same reason I pretend to

like all those skyscraper -themed gifts people always give me.

Okay.

What's wrong with those?

Nothing. It's just I have so many of them. Snow globes and keychains and

magnets. I mean, I love this city, but I don't need any more cute little

reminders of it in my home, you know?

Yeah, totally.

You know what sucks about that, Ben?

That poster you got her is a cute little reminder of the city.

So drop the wine off for the party. When I excuse myself to the bathroom, you

distract Kate long enough for me to do some light snooping and figure out the

perfect gift. Okay, now when do I go to the bathroom?

No, Larry, you don't go to the bathroom. But I actually have to go to the

bathroom. I asked you before we left if you had to go to the bathroom. Well, I'm

sorry I didn't have to go then, Ben.

Just hold it for five minutes.

I'll try.

I'm just going to run to the bathroom real quick.

Sweet of you guys to bring over wine for the party. Connie would say thank you

if she wasn't crazy.

And you weren't you.

Yeah, it was our pleasure. And, you know, I'm sorry about Ben. I told him to

to the bathroom before we left, but he just never listens to me.

Okay, let's see.

Poetry books.

Boring.

Jewelry. Too soon.

Holy crap.

Wow. She was not kidding.

This is kind of cool.

Where's Connie?

Abusing a caterer?

I know. She's off the rails. It's worth the $19 .84.

What? It was an 80s -themed cake fest.

Yeah, I'm having some serious deja vu right now. I feel like I've been to one

these cake -themed parties.

possible sometimes my friends bring friends and then sometimes their friends

bring friends big friends with any of my friends friends friends what other

themes have you done well a couple years ago we had a dr seuss theme party kate

in the hat and there's a nixon one called water kate i was in a costume did

ever have your birthday around halloween no birth dates don't usually change

actually we did have a belated one one summer called better kate than never i

get it i get it kate rhymes with a bunch of stuff

Congratulations. When you need a gift for a girl you don't know, clues can be

anywhere. Don't look under beds, though. That never goes well.

Well, then you're going to have to make another cake.

Yes, by tonight, because the party is tonight. Are you two enjoying your

That's so nice.

Because her name's Kate, not Kathy.

No, Kate's not short for Kathy. Just make a new cake.

Wow. For someone who is so sweet to my kids, she sure is mean to bakers.

At this time of year, she turns into Partyzilla.

I'm Connie.

Your party is going to be perfect.

Whether you like it or not, now do what I say.

That's so funny.

Isn't that perfect, Connie?

Really, Kate?

Oh, God. I go through all this trouble for you, and you make fun of me? No, no,

Con. I was, that was, I... You want the truth?

Yeah. The truth is, you turn into a crazy lady when you plan these parties.

stomp around, and you yell at people.

You've been banned from 12 bakeries.

I think I heard that wrong. Are you trying to say thank you, Connie?

Yeah.

Thank you, Connie.

Thanks for cake fest, or as I like to call it, the week that you stress me out

so much that I can't even poop.

Come and I'll just throw the party without you.

I have a Kate Fest without Kate.

Watch me.

Kate Fest is officially fest.

I am so psyched about my gift idea. I knew I'd nail it. I am good, Larry.

I have everything but this.

Yeah, I got you.

See, it's all about paying attention.

Like, for instance, you probably don't remember the story Kate told about how

Kate Fest started.

What, the thing with the ding -dong in the classroom?

Okay, but you probably don't remember where they were going.

The planetarium, but they couldn't go because they didn't have the permission

slips.

I always forget that you remember everything you hear.

Why aren't you a better lawyer?

I'm going to try to forget that you said that, even though you know that I never

will.

There. Looking good, buddy. Well, anyway, that is what we are doing.

We are taking them to the planetarium tonight right after the party.

It's the field trip they never had.

Very good. Very good.

Oh, no, wait, hold on. Did you say that we are taking them?

Yep. See, that's the knockout punch, when you show up with Connie.

Got it. I knock out Connie.

Larry, I want this to be a big surprise for Kate, okay? So I'm going to have her

in there blindfolded. Ooh, ooh, kinky.

And then you walk in with Connie.

Uh, let me ask you something. Should we be putting something over Connie's face

as well? Like a burlap sack or a hood?

You got this?

Your job is simple, okay?

Right after the party, I disappear with Kate, and then you somehow get Connie to

the planetarium. Right, which wouldn't be hard if she was bound and gagged, you

know?

Happy birthday.

You look sharp. You look comfortable.

Why are you still wearing your pajay -jays?

Because we're not going to the party.

Ooh, like this.

Uh, well, I got you this, but, um... An iPod? But it's only part of the gift.

Wait, there's more?

Yeah, it's like a clue.

I know you like puzzles, and I wanted to do your gift in pieces.

Like a treasure hunt. It's like The Amazing Race, but without all the gay

fighting in cabs.

So much of it.

You're welcome, but I'm sorry. Why aren't we going to the party?

Because I'm not invited.

Why? Because Connie and I aren't even speaking.

Why? Because I told her exactly how I felt.

Why?

Because you told me to. You said, be honest with Connie, and I was. I was

of a bitch then.

What? No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, I'm...

Sorry, that was something I told you yesterday.

I don't even know what I'm saying most of the time.

No, no, no, you are not a bitch.

Oh, I think Connie would beg to differ.

Oh, Kate, come on, it's Kate Fest.

You can't have Kate Fest without Kate.

That's what I said, but apparently now it's just Fest. So I'm not even sure

you're dressed right.

Look, Kate, I think you should go because... Ben.

You can say whatever you want, but I am not going to change my mind. I've had

it. I can't take her when she's like this anymore. And, yes, I know that deep

down it's just because she loves me and that for the past 25 years she's gone

out of her way to get all of my friends together and that all of this is just to

make me happy on my birthday. And, oh, my God, I have to go get dressed.

tell you, Larry, they didn't have chocolate fountains in the 20s. Well,

didn't have push -up bras either, but I see that didn't stop you.

I love this 20s theme. It's like seeing 10 years into the future.

It's Kate. Whitney, Kate isn't coming, so we're not talking about Kate. That's

funny, because everyone out there is. They're wondering why she's not coming

what to do with her gifts.

Okay, actually, I've been opening the gifts, so that part's covered.

But they want to know who they're going to sing happy birthday to.

They can sing happy birthday to Kathy. It's right there on the cake.

Did I take these capes in a blanket out to get?

They're pigs in a blanket.

And they're not even that anymore.

Easy, Connie. She's just trying to help. Hey, Larry, I've been throwing this

party for 25 years.

I didn't need help with the Kate Escape, Kate is Enough, the Master Kate Ball,

or New York Kate of Mines, and I don't need help with this.

Master Kate, that's the one.

That's the one I was at.

What happened there?

Oh, my God, I'm so sorry. Excuse me.

What did you say you know at this party? What's the difference, Ben? Look at all

the women in hot, revealing costumes, all right? Take your pick.

Oh, hot geisha at 11 o 'clock. Oh, I'd like to read her memoirs.

Excuse me.

Oh, my God.

You speak Spanish?

Sí, Lorenzo.

gonna be cocktail wieners oh those are gone that's okay i really just came to

see connie oh connie left 20 minutes ago what yeah she said something about

never wanting to hear the name kate again and then she said she was going

unless blank was there in which case she was going anywhere but home crap

you had one job larry i know

she called me lorenzo

Okay, this is a disaster, Larry. We can't do the planetarium without Connie,

we have to be there by midnight.

Okay, well, you're probably going to think this is crazy, but I think I have

way to get Connie there.

Trust me, Ben, I know what I'm doing.

The last time you said that, you filled my car with diesel.

And I saved you six bucks.

The engine exploded.

I still think that was a coincidence.

I'll see you at the planetarium.

Oh, officially the worst night ever.

I need you to come with me.

I think we're at a point in our relationship where that's a non

Oh, it is not for me, okay? It's for Kate.

I know you said some stuff. Kate said some stuff.

It got heated. I assume you two almost kissed.

It's disgusting.

It's okay. I don't expect you to admit it to me anyway, all right?

Momentary lapse in judgment. We've all done it. You, me, you and me.

What are you talking about?

Excellent question, Connie. Let me paint a picture for you.

The ear.

2003, the place, masquerade.

It was a crowded club. The DJ was dressed as Ace Ventura, a tired

then. All righty then.

Later, a mirror ball fell.

But sadly, no one was hurt.

And at the end of the night, a woman dressed as a geisha was fortunate enough

meet a handsome young bank robber.

dressed as a geisha. Correct. Now, I wonder who that handsome young bank

was.

Whoa. Indeed.

This is a stick -up.

No. He was funny. He was clever. He was interesting. He was not you.

We had a big deal about leaving his mask on because when I asked him who he was,

He said, my name is Viggo Mortensen.

No, no, no.

Oh, God.

This is my favorite. Now, given our mutual distaste for one another, I

that you would rather not have this little incident revealed to your

family, and loved ones. So if you agree to come with me right now, our little

secret can die right here, okay?

But if you do not, I'm afraid it will live on in the world in vivid detail.

Shall we?

Okay, right this way. All right, come right here.

Okay, watch out for the snakes.

Kidding. Come here.

So, good night, moon, and an iPod. I don't get it. Where are we? Well, we are

in the planetarium.

My field trip?

The firm represents the curator's brother, so I got him to let us in. I am

signing your permission slip.

Ben, you're amazing.

This is so great.

I just wish I could share it with Connie.

Well, the show hasn't started yet.

Ben Parr, what did you do?

You said you wouldn't talk about it. No, I didn't. I said I wouldn't talk about

it in front of other people.

So, thank God she doesn't have a sack on her head.

I'm sorry.

I am sorry. You're such a brat. I didn't mean any of that stuff. No, it was

true. And I really liked your imitation of me.

I don't know what happened to me. Oh, well, what I should have said is that I

love how hard you work to make my birthdays fun. But my favorite ASS is

going to be that first one.

When it was with you and me and the ding -dongs. Well, we still have the ding

-dongs. Oh, you sure you want to be taunting me right now, Connie -san?

What? Nothing.

And this is so exciting. When does the show start?

Right now.

Thank you so much.

You could not have gotten me a more perfect gift.

Okay. Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Yes, Larry, it is a rock speaker.

And you can have it when we're done.

Oh, you could not have gotten me a more perfect gift.

Enjoy the light show and let the soundtrack of 1986 take you back.

So if you're worried you don't know someone because you don't have a history

together, my advice, make your own history.

And if you find out you already have a history together and don't like it, deny

it ever happened.

I guess what I'm saying is, when in doubt, you can't go wrong with a speaker

that looks like a rock.