Original subtitles

Some people say the hardest part of a new relationship is learning to trust.

Close your eyes.

Bye. Jump to it. Others say it's learning to compromise.

Okay, so you know how I like chocolate and you like vanilla?

Well... He bought you a black and white cookie.

Can you guys just stop this stuff?

But I say the real hard part of a relationship is when you have to start

out with each other's best friends.

Especially when that best friend is... her.

Hey, buddy.

Hi. I guess I was wrong about you. You're all wet, but you haven't melted.

Oh, I get it. I'm the Wicked Witch of the West.

What does that make you, the house that falls on me?

Oh, you would love that, wouldn't you? I'd be dead.

Hmm, if I did things right, yeah.

I am so sorry. I did it again.

It's just since we're roommates, I thought, how much fun would it be if we

the exact same laptop?

Super fun. Almost as much fun as coming to Midtown on my day off.

In the rain.

I wouldn't like you to bring it here, but all my notes are on there.

Plus, we have such different tastes in porn.

Well, at least we can have lunch together.

Yes, we can.

But not today. I've got to run to a meeting, so the very least I can do is

you lunch.

A pack of gum.

Bye. Bye.

I was just about to order if you want to join me.

Oh, I would, but I have to get to work.

You just said it was your day off.

Yeah.

All right, gotta go.

Kate. I thought you were eating at the deli. I was going to, but then something

weird happened. I think Connie just blew me off.

So what was the weird thing?

Why wouldn't Connie want to have lunch with me?

It's probably just because you guys haven't hung out alone that much and she

thought it might be uncomfortable.

How can it be uncomfortable with me? I don't know if you know this, Kate, but

people kind of love me.

You forgot your newspaper.

Thank you, Ruth.

You are the greatest.

No, you are, sweetheart.

See what I'm saying?

What is it? It's a case file I need you to prove.

There are no words on this.

I meant write. It's a case file I need you to write.

So, hey.

Listen, remember how I told you to slap me if I was ever thinking about calling

Claire? Well, don't slap me, but I'm thinking about calling Claire.

Oh, my God! What the hell?

You also told me to slap you even if you told me not to slap you. I did say

that, didn't I?

Oh, God.

I was thinking about all the good times that Claire and I had together. There

were no good times together. You were so happy when you finally got rid of her.

I kind of miss her.

No, you don't. She's the most annoying person ever.

How much longer are we going to stay out?

I am so tired.

And my feet are just swollen from all the salt I've been eating.

Plus, it is bright in here. Aw, the zipper on my purse broke.

She's not that bad.

Okay, come on. See, this is exactly what you do.

You get lonely, you forget someone's bad qualities, you think you miss them, so

you get together, it's awful, and you instantly regret it. Listen, Claire has

plenty of great qualities, all right? Such as... Her grating voice, her little

princess tattoo, her obsession with candles, her obsession with Costco, her

inability to talk about anything except candles and Costco.

I'm calling her. What? No, hang up.

Hang up. It's range.

Claire,

it's Larry.

Hi. So I was just calling to see if, you know, you wanted to...

Maybe hang out or something?

Yeah, I'd love to go to TGI Fridays with you.

I'm sure any color scarf would be... Yellow is good. Yellow is very good.

is really good.

Green, you're right. Green would be better.

Yellow or green, both good. Both equally good. I'll see you tonight.

How could you let me call her?

Our love is volatile, chemical, anything but typical. I want you

badly.

I love you madly.

Hey, Connie.

Hey, your mama's here. Well, you know how you said if I ever needed a favor, I

should just ask? That doesn't sound like me. A client of Bernie's needs some

help with her two kids on Tuesday, and I told her we would love to watch them.

We as in you and me?

Yes, you and me.

Except I won't be here, so more just you.

Four kids is a lot to handle. But imagine if I had another set of twins.

Are you having another set of twins?

Nope. That's a great news.

I'm confused.

All you need to know is that I'm not having twins, and you're watching Four

on Tuesday.

And possibly Wednesday.

One little date with Claire. She thinks I'm her boyfriend.

Why did I invite her here tonight?

What did she say? She said, hey, party people.

I had so much fun, almost to the bar. Letter C, letter U, soon.

Does she think you're more than one party person?

Sounds like a catch.

Oh, really? When was your last date?

Point Munch.

It's weird to me that your last name describes exactly what you do, Munch.

Well, doesn't everyone's? I mean, aren't you Connie Dies Alone?

I'm not drunk enough to be near you.

Where are you going?

To talk to Connie. I think it's very sweet that you're trying to be friends

Connie, but, you know, I'm going to like you either way, so take the pressure

off yourself.

You're right.

You're right. It doesn't matter. This is what matters.

Does Connie like magic? You know what? I'll figure it out.

Another text from Claire.

Almost there, LOL.

She doesn't understand stuff.

I think I've seen you guys together. She works across the street at the

stationery store, right? Yeah. I know her.

She's great.

Oh, I forgot. You like everyone.

If you don't like her, then why did you invite her here? Because I didn't have

any other obvious options.

For sex.

Hey.

Come here often.

What are you doing?

Being funny.

Are you sure about that?

Need to get that?

No, it's just Tiffany. I'm not taking her phone calls because she keeps

volunteering me to watch other people's children.

It's like I'm running a daycare center.

Do you have any extra room? Because Larry needs someplace to go on

Just got some digits.

Her name is Molly, and she is a doctor, which is good because I have a bad case

of wanting to see her naked.

You know I'm not Ben, right?

This means I'm going to have to munch Claire.

Excuse me? Oh, you're munching Claire?

Oh, yeah.

What is munching?

Oh, you're going to love this. In fact, I'm going to walk away because I'm

afraid of how much you are going to love this.

Munching is a technique I have perfected for ending relationships.

Instead of telling a woman that I don't want to see them anymore, I simply break

plans until they break up with me. You know, that way I get to avoid having the

painful it's not you, it's me conversation because let's be honest,

It's never me.

Why do I keep thinking I can be near you?

I don't know.

So, you think you're doing these women a favor?

Oh, I am doing them a favor. I mean, you know, they get to break up with me.

They feel like it was their choice. They win.

Now, I have to go make Claire a winner.

I'm out of here, man. I already texted Claire I'm due in court. It's 9 o 'clock

at night.

She doesn't know how court works.

Well, hey, hey, hey. You think Connie needs a hand with that guy? She looks

annoyed. No, that's just her face.

No. Oh, my God, it's Claire. Oh, crap. Thank you very much, Ben.

Oh, yes.

Yeah.

So, what, you're hiding from her now?

Kate, what, what are you doing in here? This is a men's room for men.

Like him.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. If it makes you feel any better, I'm just

uncomfortable as you are.

I kind of doubt that.

Larry, please just go talk to her. No. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I can't. I'm

terrible at confrontation.

You know, if I tell her how I feel, she's going to be devastated.

That seems a little extreme.

It's really not. I am a very attentive lover.

Oh, God, we need to set some ground rules for these conversations.

I got one.

Have it anywhere but in the men's room.

Uh, hey, buddy. I was actually sitting there next to my wife. What? No, no, no.

That's not... My bad. We're not married.

It's all good. What are you doing? You're welcome.

Why did you do that?

I was rescuing you. From what? I liked that guy. We both hate birds.

But he was creepy, and you looked annoyed.

That's just my face.

All right, Claire's a nice, sweet girl. Just go talk to her. Why do you care?

Because munching is cruel, and because... Never mind.

Hold on.

You got munched, didn't you?

Finish up later.

God willing.

Okay, I was dating this guy, Mike Schwartz, for three months. And it was

serious. I helped him pick out his sofa. I met his Nana. I babysat for his dog

when his Nana died.

And then I got this text from him one night when we were supposed to have a

saying that he had work drinks.

And I never heard from Mike Schwartz again.

Oh, wow.

Oh, you got Schwartz.

Yeah, I did. And it would have been so much better if you just said, Kate, it's

over.

Just go talk to Claire.

Work drinks is a great line.

Oh, what? Oh, yeah, like you're going to be able to push me out.

You are Superman strong.

Hi, Laird Bear.

Laird, hi.

Oh, my God, hi.

So what happened to court?

Um, court, we settled.

Such a good lawyer.

I do.

Yay!

Yay.

And another hug.

This is on the house, Benji.

Well, thank you, Ruth.

You know, that is the kind of treatment I am accustomed to.

You know what? I'm going to call Connie. Don't. If you want to make things right

with her, you have to go talk to her in person. Connie is scary on the phone.

Connie is scary in person?

I knew you cared what she thinks.

Of course I do. I mean, what Connie thinks isn't going to change the way I

about you, but it'd be nice if you were friends with my best friend.

Like I'm friends with Larry.

Although he looks really mad right now.

Well, I hope you're happy.

I slept with Claire, and it's your fault.

And welcome to Friendship with Larry.

How are you going? To go see Connie.

I'll be gone for a couple of hours, so cover for me. I'm still waiting for you

to write that case out for me. Ben, Benjamin.

God, he's so lazy.

But you sleep with Larry. You were supposed to break up with her. Because

left me no other option, Kate.

Really? So you'd rather sleep with a girl than tell her that you don't like

Correct.

I don't believe you. There's no way you could have slept with Claire if you

didn't like her a little.

How do you live in the world?

You don't deserve Claire.

Exactly. That's why when she asked me if I could hang out tonight, I told her I

had work drinks.

You shortster.

The doorman found me charming.

Great, great.

I came to apologize for last night.

And to give you this.

Oh,

thank you.

Thank you.

It's a laptop cover.

So you and Kate don't get your computers mixed up anymore?

That's good.

Hey, watch your sister.

Do you need some help?

I can stay a while and babies love me.

You know what? Fine. Take care.

Hey there, handsome.

What's his name? No idea.

Nice work. Nice work, you guys. You guys are all being so nice.

Zachy, Zachy, I love what you're doing there, but paint the paper, not the

table.

Wow, it's so calm and quiet.

Thanks for entertaining them while I help Tiffany find her purse.

Zoe's the last place you look. On the hook where she keeps her purse.

Wait, these are my sketches for my book idea. I have a meeting next week. Where

did you even find these?

There was a stack on the counter. I thought it was coloring paper. Let me

it. No, you can't fix it, Ben. They're ruined, all right? Thank you for all of

your help, but I'd like for you to leave.

Connie, I'm sorry. I just wanted to get to know you better.

No, you didn't. You just want to be friends with me because you're dating

Okay, yeah, yeah. Maybe that was true at first. But then I realized, hey, you

know what? Connie's kind of cool.

She's smart and mean and funny and mean and, you know, I thought maybe we could

be friends just because we could be friends. But, you know, I get the sense

for some reason you don't really want that. And you know what?

You're lost.

Zach, that is an incredible tree or spaceship or octopus.

Just give me one second, all right? I'm going to put you down.

Ben's room, go.

Now.

Look at me, Kate. I am meeting Molly, the doctor, here tonight.

I know.

Ben told me.

God, I've got to stop telling that guy stuff.

You've got to be kidding me.

Larry, Jess, go talk to Claire. Why are you so obsessed?

Listen. I know you got Schwartz and it hurt you a lot, but you gotta get over

it, okay? Okay, you want the truth?

I didn't get Schwartzed. Look at me. You don't Schwartz this.

I Schwartz Schwartz.

No.

Work drinks?

That was mine.

But people aren't stupid, Larry. They know what you're doing. And when

I mean, Mike, found out what I did, he... Killed himself?

No. He came to me and he said, Kate, that was really mean.

And then he ballooned to about 350 pounds.

I know you're a good guy.

Ben would be friends with you if you weren't, so please just go talk to

All right, fine.

Fine. If only out of respect for the person who gave the world work drinks.

Happy now?

Very happy, yes. You did the right thing, and that makes me very, very

Ah, crap.

We have been here just over an hour. I mean, we should probably get back. Oh,

no, I can't go home yet. I just, I hate the idea of sleeping in that big old bed

without my lair bear, my snuggle bunny, my cuddle monkey, my tickle tiger.

Can you believe Larry? said i was annoying i really can't do you hear that

buzzing oh my god okay wow hey um at least larry was honest with you right i

mean it's fair than lying no i would rather him just not take my calls that

i could have broken up with him hey okay i

see what you mean about connie her cricket boobs

Admit how frustrating she can be. Oh, yeah, but you have noticed the boob

right? I mean, it's distracting.

It's helpful to talk to you.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Kate made me break up with Claire in person.

No way.

Your first face -to -face breakup.

How does it feel to be a man?

Not good.

But fortunately, I will be drowning my sorrows very soon in a nice tall glass

Dr. Molly.

Should be walking through that door any second.

Ugh. Well, well, well.

That all you got?

For now.

Where's your tiny girlfriend?

I just broke up with her. But sorry, I'm not available.

So sorry.

So, you come here often?

Only after awkward fights.

Okay, so it's possible that I may have overreacted today.

And it's also possible that what happened wasn't your fault. And it might

be possible that I misjudged you.

You yelled at me.

I didn't think you had it in you.

I'm sorry. Please don't ruin it. Just be happy knowing that I officially like

you better than the other guys Kate has dated before.

Thank you.

Exactly how many guys are we talking about?

A couple.

A hundred.

Okay. Some professional athletes and heads of state.

Connie? George Clooney.

That's the thing no one tells you about a new relationship.

You think you're just dating one person, but the truth is, you're dating

everyone that person knows, and you better hope they like you.

Well, well.

I thought you were with your new BFF, Claire.

Let's just say after having gotten to know her a little better over the past

couple of days, I can see why munching her might have been a little more humane

than telling her she's annoying.

I don't know why you called her in the first place. Well, let's just say there

are certain places where she's not annoying.

In bed.

I got it.

Anyway,

you were right in the middle of telling me that I'm right?

Maybe this time.

But someday you're going to meet a woman that you're not going to want to munch.

I don't know about that one, Kate.

You see, a man of my station requires a woman who is similarly endowed.

Endowed? That is not the word I meant.

What I'm saying is, I need someone who is sexy and funny and tough and really

challenges me.

And by really challenges me, I mean has a killer rack that isn't totally

crooked.

Well, maybe you'll meet that level -chested lady soon.

Speaking of which, where is Dr. Molly?

Molly's... What's that?

I'm getting munched.

What'd she say?

Sorry, just remembered I had a wedding in Barcelona.

I can totally see forgetting that. Kate.

She's munching you.

Come on.

Let's go join those two. No, I'm just gonna sit here and drink my beer. Oh, my

God!