Original subtitles

Do you believe in fairy tales?

Yeah, me neither.

But this one is going to be a little different because I'm telling it. My

is Larry Munch, and this story begins with an ending. No, Larry, I am serious.

am doing it today. I am ending it with Aaron. Oh, good.

It's about time.

How are you going to do it? I find the least painful way is to sleep with her

sister.

Well, that would be the high road, but I was thinking of telling her the truth.

My friend Ben Parr believes in things like telling the truth and princesses

trapped in towers.

Which brings us to Kate Swanson.

My hat.

Oh, no.

Now I know what you're thinking.

Go on in the toilet, people. Just because Kate's in a bathroom on the 38th

of a New York skyscraper doesn't mean she's a princess trapped in a tower,

right? Well, wait for it.

And I'm stuck.

Shaboom.

With Erin, there's no fireworks, Larry.

I need more than just pretty and organized. I need laughter and affection

opinion on who would win in a fight between Batman or Superman.

Plus, her lease is almost up and she wants to move in. Plus, her lease is

up and she wants to move in.

If fairy tales have taught us anything, I mean, besides the fact that it's okay

to kiss a girl when she's unconscious, it's that timing is everything.

Hey, Carter, Carter.

He's finally doing it, man. He's actually breaking up with Erin. I didn't

have to bust out my list of her flaws.

You have an actual list, but we all got lists. Yeah, controlling, patronizing,

having natural breath.

What, am I the only one who hates those?

Really, Carter?

Dude, my phone. I gotta go back up. Go, Larry.

Oh, thank you. Very nice. In fairy tales, the thing that brings them

called fate.

In this story, it's called a cell phone in a ridiculous red case.

You steal a hat but leave a phone?

It's bad business.

I think I just left it on the ledge over... There.

Is this your phone?

Yes. When you push then, does it go right to Commissioner Gordon's office?

I'm sorry, I'm not nerdy enough to get that. But how cool would it be if it

It would only be the ultimate phone.

Thank you.

Are you organized?

Um, well, I flushed my cell phone, I smell like tinkle, and I lost my

hat, so you tell me.

Fairytale or not, every love story needs one special ingredient to seal the

deal. Well, I can't help you with the cell phone or the tinkle, but...

Is this your hat?

Yes.

Wow.

Magic. I was going to say beer, but yeah, I guess magic works too.

There were fireworks, Larry, actual

fireworks. I don't know why we had to reenact it. I wanted you to get a sense

how powerful the moment was. Why is your right hand so much softer and smoother

than your left? Not the reason you're thinking.

Unless you're thinking masturbation. Then yes.

And now I have to tell Erin, which, you know, is not going to be fun, but I

think she'll agree it's for the best. Absolutely. Yeah. Let's find out right

now.

Hi, Erin. Larry, hi.

You look awful. Even worse than usual. Thank you.

Ben, you wanted to see me? Well, that is good because I wanted to see you.

Lately, I have been feeling taken for granted.

Well, listen, Erin, that's exactly what I want to talk to you about. Whoa, whoa,

whoa. Let me interrupt for one second.

Did you say taken for granted?

Granted, not granted. You take someone for granted.

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry, but you're wrong. It's granted, as in you treat

like a statue, and I should know. I was wait -listed at Cornell.

Listen, Erin, why don't we talk about this in the conference room? Oh, sorry,

Ben, I can't talk right now. I have meetings all day, but call me between 8

and 8 .45.

God.

I want to end it with Aaron before I see Kate tonight.

Whoa, whoa, tonight? What do you mean? I thought we were going out tonight.

Well, actually, Kate and I thought it would be fun if you came with us. She's

bringing her best friend, too, so... Oh, no, the answer's no.

I am not going to sit there chatting with her interesting friend while you

off with Meg Ryan, leaving me at the bar with a plate full of jalapeno poppers,

okay? The answer is yes!

You got a beer?

Is the seat open?

I'll take that as a yes.

Do I know you?

Do people really say that?

No, I'm serious. You look, uh, familiar.

You actually look kind of familiar, too, but that could be because I used to go

to a lot of pedophile conventions.

Oh, man, I always thought it was cool when I saw women at those.

Are you happy with your beard? You happy with yours?

Oh, there it is. There's a smile.

Got her.

Don't feel bad. It's okay.

Much, much hotter women than you have been broken down by my charms. No.

No. You have no charms. I was smiling.

Because you know how when you're doing something excruciating, like taking a

test or listening to someone describe a dream. Or reading a book. Or hearing

about how someone's trip to Africa changed their life.

Yoga.

Anyway, in those situations, when you think of how it will be over in specific

detail, it helps you sort of smile through the pain.

That's what was happening with me.

So you just kind of gave up and went with the bangs, huh?

And yes, this man, knuckles deep in beer nut, is my best friend Larry.

You know what I don't like about beer nut?

Nothing, because they're perfect.

Oh, my God, this is my friend Connie. Did you guys meet?

We did.

Carrot cake

is

delicious. Carrot cake is always delicious.

The only problem with carrot cake is the name.

Yes. Yeah.

Who wants a beer?

Me. Oh, no. Oh, no.

Okay.

So... What is it you do, I guess?

I'm a nanny.

A nanny, huh?

For human babies? Not for wolves or lizards?

First of all, babies love me. Right.

Second of all, I like the job security. The mom is this rich trophy wife who

knows less about babies than... you do about salad.

Last call. Oh, thank God.

So, it's last call. It's last call, guys. Last call.

I didn't hear him say last call. Yeah, last call.

Um, well, listen, I, uh, I live nearby and I have beer. I could be convinced.

No, I have this other thing that's not nice.

Excuse me. Larry, can I talk to you for a second?

No.

Can I just start by saying that I...

How many times have I been your wingman? I don't know.

Okay, fine. You know what? You know what? We're lawyers. Yeah. Let's

Okay. What'll it take? All right. Not pizza. Okay, just because I'm a husky

who happens to like pizza doesn't mean you can say pizza and I'll just say I'm

in. Okay. Not pizza. Name something else. Okay.

You can't think of anything but pizza now, can you?

No.

You always dive in. No, I'm not diving in. I just want to go have a beer at his

apartment. I can look quite different.

My joke smells like cinnamon. And he doesn't call his blackberries

Fine. But don't leave me alone with the hairy guy.

Huh. And this is my room.

Yeah.

I guess I'd consider having sex with you.

If the only thing produced in the entire world were alcohol... So right now I'm

imagining a world where...

All the textiles and lumber and oil are instead alcohol?

There still wouldn't be enough alcohol in the world for me to sleep with you.

Wowee. What a crazy world that would be. No textiles.

How about those two, huh? Pretty enchanting stuff.

I'm used to it. When Kate and I were kids, we always played fairy tale, and

would always be the princess, and I would have to be the fairy godmother.

Oh my god, it's morning and I'm just noticing you have a guitar.

Do you play or is that too impressed for all?

Well, I was the lead guitarist of a few good bands.

I'm sorry.

No, I'm... It's okay, I... I've been talking all night and I'm just very

concerned about my breath.

And, um...

Okay, I might be a little gun -shy. I tend to hang out with guys who say all

right things and then turn out to be jerks.

Well, I think I've done a pretty good job of not saying the right things

tonight.

And I probably shouldn't be saying this, but I haven't felt

this way this fast for, like, ever.

So take as long as you...

Your breath is terrible.

Right.

Right!

Aaron. Larry, what are you doing here? Me? I... Who are you?

Oh, does Ben let you bring prostitutes to his apartment?

Hey!

No, Aaron, he's not here. Aaron, I've been looking everywhere for him. You

I'm starting to get worried.

I think we should probably just assume that he's dead.

I'll make you my famous scrambled eggs with cream cheese and... Aaron.

You're alive!

Oh, my God!

Cream cheese and what?

Hi, I'm Kate.

I wanted to see if my furniture...

would work when I moved in with you, so I brought fabric snatches.

But now your place feels a little crowded, so I will take my snatches and

She means swatches.

Hey, can I just explain? Go to hell.

Hey.

Honey, I have to tell her, please. She already knows. You suck.

Natural.

Hey, Kate got her heart broken again, so she's coming up, and I might need some

help with your kids.

What kind of help? I don't know.

You could feed them.

Great.

It goes in their mouths.

Great poncho tip.

Hi, baby.

Hey, Con. Hi, how are you doing?

Great.

Oh, great?

Oh, God, you're doing that thing where you're acting too okay.

Nope, I am just the right amount of okay, which is super -duper great. I met

guy who I thought was perfect, and he turned out to be exactly like every

guy, which is awesome.

Hey, listen, this is ridiculous. I am not used to doing half of our work.

Okay, where you been all day?

Well... I officially broke up with Erin. Oh!

And the rest of my day has been spent coming up with ways to get Kate back.

Right on, man. Stick it to her.

No, no.

No, win her back.

I have to win her back.

All right.

Larry, I've never felt like this before, okay? When I looked into her eyes, I

saw the two of us sitting on our front porch, our kids around us, a couple of

dogs, our clothes drying on the line. I... I met the girl of my dreams.

You guys aren't going to have a dryer?

Another one filled with lies.

Kate, hi. Me again. Okay, just to recap.

It's over with Aaron.

I'm more sorry than anyone ever. And, oh, you know how you said you love

Well, I got you a shark.

I'm kidding. I got you a DVD of Shark Week.

Delete.

I think you should give him another chance.

You sound so sweet. And you both love sharks. That's rare.

I don't love sharks.

I just told him I love sharks because he loves sharks and I wanted him to like

me. Oh, great. So you have that in common.

No, Tiff, she just said she loved sharks.

That's what I mean. They both lied.

Oh, my God. Tiffany's right.

I've never heard those words in that order.

What Tiffany's saying is that we all lied to each other a little at the

beginning of a relationship.

I mean, he should have told me about her, but if it was over, I should at

give him the chance to explain and tell him I don't love sharks.

Andy's not answering.

I have to go find him.

Will you come? Will I? No.

No. Never. Not. No. No. Fine. Okay, fine.

Do you think you can watch your kids for an hour?

You're right. Bringing them in is just easier.

A perfect woman? I didn't ask you that.

Oh, I don't know. Eva. It is Eva, right? For starters, her name might be Eva.

Your earrings are large.

You're a great conversationalist.

I know. I'm sorry. Sorry. It's just... This girl I met, she... You don't want

be here, do you?

It was really nice talking to you.

No, no, no, no. No, but... Excuse me, ladies. No, no, no. They put...

Larry, I know what you're going to say.

Oh, jeez. Oh, it hurts, right?

Are you wearing a ring? Yes, I always wear the Super Bowl replica ring when

we're looking to hook up. You know that.

Larry, look, I'm sorry, okay? I can't do it. Ben, this night is not about you

anymore. It's about something much, much bigger than you.

Me.

It's just, hey, it's just a couple of guys talking to a couple of nice girls.

You know what? You're right.

Okay, just right up here.

Connie, don't forget to pay.

Life isn't panning out.

Is he here?

Yes, I knew it.

I knew I knew you. You are the woman who always looks mad at the machines.

You're the guy who always works out in jeans.

No, I like to call them denim sweats.

I like to call them stretched to their physical limit.

Fine, fine.

Very nice to see you. Have a nice day.

You know what? No, no.

I've got to say something to you.

My friend Ben has finally given up on trying to reach your friend Kate, and

a complete wreck, so thank you very much for that. Poor thing.

I... King said he gave up the night that I walked into your disgusting bar and

saw him making out with some skank.

Skank? What skank? I would remember a skank. It's my gift. Thank you. I saw it

with my own eyes. She had clown red hair and big earrings.

No, no, absolutely not. Sorry. Oh, my God.

Oh.

Paws.

He was not making out with that skank. He said I'm in. Hey, good news, ladies.

I'm out.

What? I can't do it. I'm sorry. It was really nice meeting you both.

Can I at least give you a hug goodbye?

Sure, okay. Why not?

Should we be hugging?

Yeah. Oh, jeez. I'm caught on your earring here.

Sorry.

So he wasn't with her?

Quite to the contrary.

So charming.

Thank you for the smoothie, by the way. It's yummy.

I would have paid for it myself, but I don't bring my wallet to the gym. It

restricts my range of movement.

To show my appreciation, I'll tell you what I'm not going to do.

I am not going to burp.

Quick question. If we do get them back together, will you always be around?

much so, yes.

Here's what I think we should do, okay?

And there is a burp right here.

But that's where it's going to stay.

What do you mean? we get them back together i'll just tell kate that is

okay and it's not romantic okay just because that kind of thing is never

to happen for people like us don't let me in with your sad life all right in my

case definitely not in yours all right i learned a pretty long time ago that i

am not the hero of the story all right and if i even want to be in the story i

have one of two options i can either help the hero or try to destroy him

What do you want to be? Do you want to be the fairy godmother or the dragon?

Fine, what's your dumb plan?

Okay.

Okay, I'm not sure I want to be up here. No, no, you have to, you have to.

That's the whole idea. You've got to meet my new girlfriend.

I still can't believe you met a girl at the gym. I still can't believe you were

at the gym. I know, I know, right? But I was. And she's going to meet us up here

with her friend. That's the plan.

And, uh...

She should have been here by now. It would just be so typical of my new

girlfriend to screw this up.

You sound mad at your new girlfriend.

Mad? No, no, not mad. Never. I think she's perfect. You know, I can't stop

thinking about her.

I didn't know you could have monkeys up here.

If you don't want people petting your monkey, how about this? Don't have a

monkey for a pet.

Right, Ben?

Benjamin?

Ben, where'd you go, buddy?

It's funny, you see, I was so excited every time I'd come up here, but now it

does nothing for me because I don't believe in love.

Except in the case of you and your new boyfriend. That seems real.

Oh, hold on. Wait here a sec, okay?

I lost him.

What do you mean you lost him? I mean, if you had shown up at the appropriate

time, we wouldn't be having this conversation right now. So now this is

fault?

I did it again.

Forgot my phone.

Is this it?

This is the story of my friend Ben Parr, and how I helped him meet the girl of

his dreams.

Give me all you want.

Nothing can hurt more than not seeing you.

But that came close.

I've missed you too.

Although it looks like he didn't need as much help as I thought.

Okay, that kiss is yours to keep. You have a lot of explaining to do, and you

proved to me that you're the guy that I think you are.

There's no more kissing.

Got it.

Starting now.

But trust me, it's not going to be all smooth sailing for them. And that's

I come in.

I'm sort of a godlike love ranger or a love ninja.

The point is, every love story should have one of me. I'm just saying, in a

covert operation like this, a little precision counts.

an operation. An operation implies that the people participating in it have the

tiniest shred of competence.

Oh, really? How about having the tiniest shred of being able to read a clock? Do

they have that?

A simple I'm sorry might get us headed in the right direction here. I am sorry.

I am sorry that you are a moron. I'm a moron.

Now, I know what you're thinking.

She's into me.

Well, that's a story for another day.

And it is not a fairy tale.