All language subtitles for Love And War s03e22 Something Old

All right.

Here's what I know about God.

If God really knew what he were doing,
he would have designed cats so they

open cans.

No.

I have to figure out the right time to
jump on the bed and wake them up so I

get fed.

It's tricky.

They get really mad if it's too early.

And that guy's got a bad habit I haven't
been able to break him up. He's a

tosser. Well, here goes nothing.

Evil. Cat and evil.

Oh. I wonder which one of them I should
scratch my ass on first.

Would you knock it off? I told you not
to do that.

Jack, don't toss the cat. You know he
doesn't like it when you do that.

All right, all right.

You're off the hook this time, okay? But
only because you are so cute.

You ever hear of oral hygiene?

Good morning.

Well, this is it.

The day we get married.

Oh, boy.

It's touching, isn't it? To tell you the
truth, I don't get the whole concept of

marriage. It's a strange human ritual.

Me, on the other hand, I go in the alley
and get what I need.

If it's a slow night, well, I have other
ways.

People think cats are just cleaning
themselves, but in reality, we're having

own private party.

People can't do that.

I don't care how much money they waste
on yoga.

That's why they get married, you know.

You better get going.

Our wedding party's gonna be here in an
hour. I thought I'd put out some

champagne and orange juice and pate so
we could have a little toast before we

all get in the limo.

Sounds great.

You know, I just can't believe how well
everything is going.

I mean, I keep waiting for the other
shoe to drop, but, you know, I don't

it's going to.

Oh, Jack, would you get that? I'm sure
it's your mother. She's lobbying to sing

a medley of Bette Midler songs at the
reception. She wants to do a sound check

at noon. Could you please just allow me?

Hello.

Speaking.

Really?

Really?

No, no, I'm very interested.

Oh, it's just I can't come over there
today.

No, no, I'm getting married.

Oh, I see.

I tell you what.

Let me take down your number. I will
call you right back.

Yeah. Okay. I will call you right back.
Bye -bye.

Dana.

Dana! You're not going to believe this.
I just got off the phone with the New

York Times.

They want me to come in for an
interview. There's an opening and an

staff. They have to fill it right away.
Dana, they're interested in me. I think

this could be it.

I could be employed again. Jack!

This is great!

Could this day be going any better?

Yes, time to open that can, baby. Chow,
chow, chow!

There's only one problem.

They want to see me today, in an hour.

We're getting married at 11. Yes, I
know, I know, but you know the newspaper

business. I mean, you know, these
positions open up suddenly, and the

editor's got to fly off to the Middle
East in two hours.

Oh, that was loud, the sound of the
other shoe dropping. I think it was a

Now, Dana, this could work out.

I could get dressed and go to the
interview in my tux. They'll be

They'll think I really care.

And then I could hop in a cab and be
back here by 11. We can all ride to the

ceremony together.

I'm taking deep breaths. I'm being calm.

Now, look, Dana, this is going to work
out. Look, this is our day.

Nothing is going to go wrong. You'll
see.

Deep breaths.

Calm.

Real bridal satin pumps.

Slow.

Smooth and unblemished.

I hope she knows what she's doing with
this marriage business.

We've come a pretty long way together
since the day she found me in the pound.

was sad.

Eventually, I forgave her for having me
fixed. That hurt.

She said she did it because she loved
me. I wonder if that poor bastard in

knows what he's in for.

They ran out of tuberoses. Can you
believe it? How do you run out of

this time of year? They want to
substitute stock. Like, I'm going to

the aisle with stock in my hand. I might
as well just go down to the vacant lot

down the street and get some weed.

What's going on here?

This water is black.

Oh, Jack.

Gray be gone, hair color for men.

You know, Dana, after we're married,
we're going to get another apartment.

going to have separate bathrooms, so I
can do certain things without an

audience. Well, I like the gray streaks
in your hair. I thought they made you

look distinguished.

They make me look like a skunk.

I'm ten years older. I'm getting married
today. I don't want to look like an old

skunk.

Say, women or vain, don't ever let me
hear you speak the word life assumption.

Why, do you think I need it? Oh, God.

Look at that.

Humans always worry about getting older.

Cats don't do that.

We have nine lives.

Although I used three of them up last
year when a strong wind blew me off the

terrace into a bush.

Four stories below, I might add.

The trick is not to tense up.

Just let yourself float.

Humans don't understand that. Look at
these two.

If they don't relax a little, they're
going to overshoot the bush and then

Road pizza.

Ooh, visitors.

Oh, my God, did you already?

Yes. We're going downstairs. The cans
are downstairs. We're getting warmer,

warmer. Go, baby, go. Liver and bacon.
Turn left.

Refrigerator.

Damn.

Hi there.

Look at you. Dana, I don't know what to
say. I have talked to her until I am

blue in the face. Even the cab driver
told her she looked ridiculous at a

certain point. You have to listen. Hey,
I have personalized my outfit. Look.

You voted me as bridesmaid when I wasn't
even in the room, so this is what you

get. Live with it. Just give me the
blazer. Meg, is this how you really show

in someone's wedding album? Do you
really want people to point and say, why

the rental car agent standing next to
the bride?

Meg, I know how attached you are to your
blazer, but this is my day. It's time

to give the blankie up.

Now take it.

All right, fine.

Conform to society's convention. Do the
expected thing.

All right.

Now, let's all have... A little
refreshment and pate.

And, Meg, I'm going to let you have some
champagne because I know how much you

can put away and still walk a straight
line.

Why, hello.

Oh, yeah.

What would be the worst thing they could
do to me for stealing a little of that?

They already chopped off my nougats.

Meg, let me see how you're going to
walk. Oh, no, you're the first person

the aisle. You set the pace for
everybody. Show me what you're going to

Pretend this is the aisle and let me
see. Go on. No, hurry up with that

champagne, Dana.

Hey, hey, where's the fire?

I am stepping my... People want to eat.

You have got to slow down. You have to
walk as if you're strolling down Fifth

Avenue. I am. I'm pretending you're
behind me.

You see what I am dealing with here? All
right, Meg, put on the shoes.

Put on the shoes we bought you. Come on.
If RuPaul can wear them, so can you.

Hey, happy wedding day, everybody. Hey,
congratulations.

I hope you have a long and happy life.
Where's the remote?

See, you ladies look particularly
lovely.

Oh, and look at you, Mary Margaret, all
grown up.

You dress in your high heels. Yeah, and
what happened to your face, Ray? I cut

myself shaving.

With what, a riding mower? Sure.

Hey, guys, keep it down. The game's on.
I got money on this thing.

Oh, Abe, Abe, Abe, come on. No
television on my wedding day. Television

killed the art of conversation. Now turn
it off. We're going to sit around and

talk. Oh.

What am I supposed to do? Come on over
here and pour the champagne.

Oh, I don't want to do that.

Sure, I'll pour drinks all week long. I
don't want to be put... Oh, I know.

Why don't you open up my present?

Oh, thanks, Dave, but Jack and I decided
not to open any presents until after

school. Oh, well, I will not be able to
see your face when you lay eyes on it

for the first time. I don't want to be
cheated out of that.

I mean, no, it's not right to be cheated
on seeing the joy on the faces of my

two closest friends when they open up
their gift I took weeks to find.

Gee, Abe, I've never seen you so
sentimental.

Yeah. Okay, I'll open it.

All right.

Well, well, well.

What do we have here? Yeah.

A little tiny TV.

All right, let me tell you, this is a
good piece of equipment.

Ooh, ooh, look.

It comes with a little earpiece for
private viewing.

Yeah, let me test it out.

Yep, yep.

Works like a charm.

All right, everybody, a little
shampoosie. Hey, where's the groom?

You can't have a toast without the
groom, huh?

He's upstairs dressing.

Oh, you'll never guess what happened
this morning.

The New York Times called.

And wants him to come in on an
interview. He's got to be there in half

Today? I know, I know, I know. But it
just kind of came up all of a sudden.

Jack thinks he can really land this job
if he can just make the right

impression. Dana, I need you up here.

Hey, Jacko, come on down. We're having a
champagne toast.

Can't really do it without you.

Dana!

Jack, I told you to get the clip -on bow
tie. I don't know how to tie those damn

things either. For crying out loud,
you're not dressed yet. What are you

up there?

I have a problem.

I was trying to color my hair, you know,
get some of the gray out so I looked

good for the wedding pictures, and
now... Oh, this is a disaster.

No, we can handle it.

I want you to run down to the drugstore
in the corner and pick up a bottle of

Lady Clairol.

Well, I'm out humiliating myself. Can I
get anybody else anything?

Maybe some tampons, some suppositories,
maybe some yeast infection products.

No, forget it, Ray. I don't have time to
recolor my hair.

Geez, I've got to be at the New York
Times in, what, 20 minutes.

What am I going to do? What am I going
to do? Maybe if you also pierce your

nose, they'll hire you as the theater
critic.

All right, all right. Everybody calm
down.

Panic is going to get us nowhere.

Just tell them that you...

Volunteer to toxic waste dump or wear a
hat, scarf. You don't have a fun wig, do

you? It's getting late. I gotta go.

Dana, you can't worry about this. Years
from now, you'll look back on this

and... And not be able to laugh because
the night nurse has buckled my

straitjacket on two times.

Everything will be fine.

Because I have promised myself that I
will have a stress -free day.

All I have to do is just remember how
much I love Jack and all the funny

he does.

He's so funny. He is a funny man.

Well, I don't know how you can be so
calm, Peter.

I mean, I feel like I got so much
pressure on me just being the best man.

mean, I'm a nervous wreck.

Really, Ray? I couldn't tell with the
entire Ursa Major constellation mapped

on your face in blood and Kleenex.

All right, I'm nervous, okay?

I mean, being best man and all, Jack
asked me to... Read a prayer in Hebrew

during the ceremony.

I mean, I know it's a big honor and
everything, but I'm having a hard time

it. Let me run this by you guys one
time, okay? You know, I want to bring

all of its colors. I want to give it
depth.

I want the people to feel moved, all
right?

Okay.

Here we go.

Good evening.

Baruch atah Adonai.

Eloheinu melech.

What do you think? Did that movie at
all?

Hello?

Yes, this is C.

What?

Well, how can it be a stringed quartet
if the cellist isn't going to be there?

walking down the aisle to Vivaldi's Four
Seasons played by a stringed trio.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, we all have problems.

Well, just get another stringed
instrument.

The cellist is in jail for selling crack
out of his cello.

I think you are handling things very
well. Much better than me on my wedding

day. I spent the entire night throwing
up. And I actually fainted when I saw my

husband naked on our wedding night.

Not because he was so well endowed, but
because I saw him standing in the

bathroom trying on my pumps and my veil.

You make a few adjustments, you move on.

Hey,

hey. What's going on here? Can't a guy
pee in private?

Going in a barn or something?

Shoot, Kitty, shoot. We need some room.

You guys help me step into this. No, no,
Dana, Dana.

You don't step into a wedding gown. You
dive into it. You commit, like going

over the cliffs in Acapulco. All right,
all right. I'm diving, I'm diving. Good

girl. Now you got the hang of it. Oh,
look at this. Hundreds of seed pearls

sewn on by hand. Yeah. I'd say it took,
what, 12 women, 200 man hours, or three

cents an hour? Just look.

Wow, this silk is gorgeous. Isn't this
just every little girl's dream?

I wonder what kind of wedding dress the
workers wear when they get married. Oh,

I forgot, there are only ten.

Look,

look, there's a note thrown into the
lining. Help me, help me, he won't let

sleep. I'll smack you, I swear to God.

Dana, dear, breathe in.

I am breathing in.

All right, make yourself useful. Here,
take that end and pull toward me.

Careful.

Ugh, jeez, it's like trying to close an
overstuffed suitcase.

Okay, lay on the bed. We'll sit on you.
Oh, very nice. Just stop talking at

home.

Oh, I'm so humiliating. I don't even fit
in the dress, and I hate it.

I hate the dress.

I look like that good witch of the
north, short -ethnic hipster.

Most human men would give their
opposable thumbs to be in my position

But this does nothing for me.

I've been more excited by a ball of
yarn.

I'm retaining water.

I always retain water this time of
month.

Although not usually this much.

I guess it's... because I'm a little
late.

Late? Let us hope you're talking about a
Visa card payment.

I'm late with my period.

Well... How late? A week.

Well... Well, it's understandable.

You're under a lot of stress, and stress
has a way of throwing off a woman's

cycle. Not mine.

I'm always on time.

Always.

You know that atomic clock they have in
Colorado? They wait to see when I buy

tampons. That's how they fit it.

Oh, God, God.

I'm really worried.

What if I'm pregnant?

Jack, no.

Are you kidding? He's on the edge as it
is. Have you seen him? He looks like an

extra in an Ed Wood movie.

Dana, honey, don't you want to know?

No.

Yes.

I'm just afraid to find out one way or
the other.

I don't know how I'll react.

I've been trying not to think about it,
but I'll tell you, I don't think I can

take the suspense anymore. I don't think
I can walk down that aisle without

having the answer. I could run down to
the drugstore and pick up one of those

home pregnancy kits, and it'll only take
a minute. And hey, that could be your

something blue. Just go.

Fred, how about a little snack first?
I'm willing to share with you.

Turn left at the refrigerator.

Left, I said.

Oh, poiled again.

What was that all about? I don't know,
and I don't care.

Ow! Ow!

Ow!

I can't believe it. I made it. I made
it.

Guess what, guys? I got the job.

Hey! All right, congratulations.

Hey! How about that, huh? I'm now a
columnist for the New York Times, and I

didn't even have to explain to the guy
about my pants and my hair. Turns out

managing editor had this really bad
como.

He wasn't about to say nothing.

What a day, huh? And I'm raring to get
married. Yeah, all right. Is she ready

yet? Hey there, Jack. Hi.

She's almost ready. She just has to take
care of one insignificant, tiny little

detail. Just a little thing.

Oh, hey, hey. Go deep.

Here.

Is everything okay, Meg?

Yes, it's fine. Just had to run out and
get Dana some chapstick.

Lipstick. Lip balm.

Things for lips.

Their lift has to be perfect. It's all
about the lift.

Oh, how about the interview? What
happened? Oh, I got the job. I am now a

columnist for the New York Times. Yes!
Oh, wow, Jack, that's so great.

Congratulations. What a day.

Oh, my God, my hair is purple.

Okay, everybody, just a few more minutes
and we'll be ready to go. I've got to

tell Dana about the job. She's going to
be really excited. Hey, you know, Jack,

wait. No, she needs a moment of solitary
meditation.

Even in a room with a toilet?

I do.

I must be the luckiest guy in the world.

So tell me, I'm dying to know, did you
get the job?

You'll be pleased to know that you're
marrying a man who's gainfully employed

with full medical coverage.

Oh, Jeff!

Hey,

Dana.

What is this?

Some hair conditioner and a box of grape
nut sides.

Jack, I'm not going to lie to you today
of all days. It's a home pregnancy test.

Oh.

Oh, jeez.

Do you know yet?

It's still cooking.

If this wand turns blue, I am.

Well, this is an interesting turn of
events, huh?

You know, of all the thousands of things
that we have talked about, we have

cleverly managed to avoid the subject of
children.

What do you think about them?

I don't know.

I guess I, you know, pictured myself
with a couple of kids, you know, playing

sandlot ball in the park with them,
watching them run to bases while I sat

the park bench and clipped coupons and
polished my walker.

Maybe we're too old to have a child.

Boy, it has been a pretty crazy day so
far, huh?

Yeah. Oh, Dana, all we have to do is
remember why we decided to get married

the first place.

Which is?

I love you very much.

And I promise to have you, hold you, to
cherish you in sickness and in health.

And through whatever major dental work
you might have.

I promise to.

Love you and keep you and be in charge
of all your grooming and wardrobe needs.

I will always stay by you because you
were my partner in

life.

Kiss the bride.

Look at this dick, Jack.

It's... not blue.

I'm not pregnant.

Oh.

Now we know, huh?

Or really.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

Jack, I want a baby!

I do, too. Right now!

Dana, look, will you at least marry me
first?

You're so conventional.

Do you know what this means?

Why don't you watch?

I really did gain five pounds.

What are you talking for?

Can we just hurry up and get this
wedding thing over with? Because I want

back here and start trying to make that
baby.

Because it's going to take me like an
hour to get you out of that dress.

Oh, ladies and gentlemen, the bride and
groom.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Party's over. Get your stuff.

Everybody in the limo. Come on, move it,
move it, move it. Let's go.

I want to take a picture. No, in the
car, in the car. I'm taking the little

You are not taking that. Jack Tiller, I
can.

He can.

Jack, I'm telling you, buddy, you're
getting old permission.

They take off the blazer just for the
ride.

Do you have that something blue yet? No,
that's why we're rushing.

Hey, where are you going?

You forgot to feed me.

Fine, ignore me.

I'm going to pee on the couch.

You'll never get the smell out.

Well, at least they have each other.

I mean, it's not like I'm completely
unsentimental.

Maybe it's not so bad to have somebody
here on to snuggle with, to share some

catnip with, someone to bring home a
juicy mouse when you're laid up and

get one for yourself.

Oh, man, I'm just making myself
hungrier.

But, hey, something tells me they'll be
back soon enough.

Air ball.