Original subtitles

We're getting married. I would think you'd want to take my last name.

Jack, my name is fine. I like my name, and I already know how to spell it.

Guys, will you back me up here, please? It's the 90s. The Republicans have taken

over. Is it not time for a man to want his wife to take his name?

That's too personal. I'm counting my money.

Give me a break, Jack. I already agreed to wear a ring.

Hey, I'm sleeping on flowered sheets.

And I'm talking on a football phone.

Excuse me, is there something humorous about your creme brulee? Oh, no, sorry

about that. We couldn't help overhearing your conversation.

It's like an instant replay of ourselves before we got married.

I'm Bill Fletcher. And I'm Emily.

Emily... Fletcher. Yes, Bill, my man.

Believe me, we had fights about everything, from where we were going to

Thanksgiving to what drawer the placemats should go in. So we decided to

in a little therapy before we took that long walk down the aisle. It really

helped us learn how to communicate with each other. And I'm proud to say we've

been married for 15 years.

I hope we're not being pushy. It's just that it all seems so... Familiar. And in

the long run, therapy is a lot less expensive than a messy... Divorce.

Thank you very much. I really appreciate that. I know how to communicate. I'm a

journalist. And I'm Italian.

I was born Italian.

But congratulations on your successful marriage. Dessert is on the house.

Oh, thanks.

Therapy. Give me a break.

I agree.

It's all one big crock. Therapy for me is a cold beer and a bar stool. If Abe

could cut hair, my life would be complete.

Oh, poor sweet Emily.

Just wait about five more years. He'll start to drift. The kids will leave the

nest. You'll be stuck roaming around that big house with nothing but a

of scotch and wicked thoughts about your neighbor's firm -bodied son who's home

for the summer from medical school.

I'm just saying it could happen.

I don't know about anybody else, but I found therapy very valuable.

You went to therapy?

Yeah, the sanitation department brings someone in once a year, you know, so the

guys don't get discouraged.

Yeah, I found I had some unresolved feelings of anger towards Lenny

Oh, Lenny. I mean,

he knew I lifted cans better than him.

So he tried to get back at me by getting an expensive new hernia belt.

Yeah.

Leather, coin pouch and everything.

Yeah, all the guys that flock around to see Lenny's new hernia belt.

Man, that ain't a thing.

Jack and I don't need therapy. I mean, all it is... is just learning to

compromise. And as soon as Jack accepts the fact that I won't be taking his

name, all of our problems will be solved.

Wait till she gets the 5 ,000 return address labels printed Dana Stein.

I heard that.

Jack? Hi there.

Well, I just want you to know that this is the first for me. I've never been to

a therapist before. Never had the need.

Actually, I have no particular need now.

Just Dana and I said, hey, therapy, that sounds like fun.

You know, you're okay, I'm okay.

Although, you know, I've always wondered, you know, why would you pay

$175 to tell you that you're just okay?

I mean, come on, for these prices, you should be telling me that I'm great,

I'm babbling here, right?

Don't worry about it, Jack.

It's perfectly normal.

See that?

I'm normal.

You're good.

Very good.

Although I did think that Dana and I would be coming here together. I mean,

is called couple therapy.

Yeah, but I think it's very important to see each person individually first. So

why don't you sit down, and we'll start.

Okay.

So, why don't you tell me why you and Dana felt it was important to seek

therapy? No reason, no reason at all. We're fine, everything's fine.

Interesting.

Sure, you know, it was her idea, not me. I mean, she's scared, I think. Oh, and

you're not.

No, me? No, not scared. Not me, no.

What is that supposed to mean?

Nothing.

Nobody likes to be scared. That's all I'm saying.

Oh, right, all right. I'm a little scared.

Man, you're brutal.

I mean, I'm getting buried next month. I mean, who wouldn't be a little scared?

What did you say?

I'm about to get married.

I think you said buried. No, I didn't. Yes, you did.

And it's understandable.

You and Dana are about to take a very big step. But I think it's important to

face the feelings that are causing you enough anxiety to seek help.

And judging from the fact that you keep checking your watch, you really want to

get your money's worth out of each minute you hear. So, anytime you're

Okay. And by the way, it comes out to $3 .50 a minute.

Believe me, I figured that out before I came.

All right.

There is one thing I want to get off my chest.

Dana's very stubborn. Like about this whole name thing. She won't take my

And it's a good name. There have been some very famous signs in the world.

Gertrude. Not that she's actually a relative, but no one needs to know that.

tell you, you're upset about the name issue.

Not when I'm pretending to be modern.

But I mean, what God, when he's with another guy, buys into all that? Am I

right? Well, I'm not here to judge.

Yeah, yeah, but you agree.

It's tradition.

Look, I'm getting buried, for God's sakes.

Is there anything else?

That's it.

So... Dana wants this big fancy wedding, right?

You know, lots of guests.

Now, I know it means more presents, which is good.

But I was thinking more along the lines of something quick. You know, a couple

of I do's and then it's over.

You mean like a flu shot?

There you go.

Now we get to the religion question, right? I mean, look, it's important to

I have to know how my kids are going to be raised. Look, I want them to be

raised Jewish. I mean, there are not many of us in the world today.

I don't want to forget who they are and where they came from. Can I take my

shoes off here?

So, I got my shredded wheat, good and soggy, just like I like it. So, I go

to the stove to get another cup of coffee. Now, I'm heading back to the

and oh, Dana, on her own now, decides, it's disgusting.

Now, that's a quote.

And she tosses it.

Hey, I'm going to tell you something. I'm going to start all over again. This

an issue of respect. Am I right? Am I right?

Hey, it's my razor. It's not menthol -aged.

You know, it says so right in the little booklet. Let me earn my money.

Oh.

Sure, sure.

Now, you seem very comfortable talking about Dana and her problems, but you

haven't really said anything about yourself.

Really? Well, I'm not trying to hide anything, if that's what you mean.

I didn't think you were, but the fact is, difficulties in relationships

involve both people.

Fair enough.

All right.

Let's see.

I mean, I'm not perfect.

Occasionally, I interrupt during a conversation.

I'm very concerned with my dental health.

I lay there with Dana sometimes, and that's wrong.

I don't throw my socks in the hamper at night. I wait until the morning.

Oh, what else? What else? When Dana and I were dating about three months, I had

an affair, and in the morning when I opened my paper, I... Can we go back a

second? The socks?

No.

I was actually more intrigued by the affair.

Does she know?

No. Oh, no, look, it was no big deal. It was just one night, one crazy night.

Maybe this is why you've been focusing on Dana, to avoid dealing with your own

feelings about lying to her. Now, wait a minute. I didn't lie.

I just didn't tell her about it.

We weren't even living together at the time.

You know, we had this big fight, and I ran out, and I ran to this old

girlfriend, and it just kind of happened. How do you feel about that?

Well, just so you know, I didn't enjoy it.

Well, I mean, I enjoyed the exact moment, but not afterwards.

942 good, 943 bad.

And why do you think you did this? I don't know.

I was getting into a serious relationship for only the second time in

and I just went a little nuts.

It's no big deal, right?

It isn't?

All right, all right, I feel terrible.

Terrible.

There's not a day that didn't go by that I don't think about that night, and I

just feel like a creep.

afraid that's all the time we have for today jack said you two got along

very well so you liked him shouldn't i sure you should i don't care this isn't

competition by the way i baked your cake my famous cheesecake woody allen's

favorite not that woody's a good role model of how to have a relationship well

thank you for the cake it really wasn't necessary oh I know.

I just do these things about how I am.

But I'm sure Jack told you all about that.

How giving I am.

Well, thanks. Please, sit.

Let's talk about your upcoming wedding. I understand that there's been some

tension surrounding the event.

Is that what he said?

He feels tension?

Well, he can't pin that on me. And just because the two of you are like this now

doesn't mean you can blame everything on me.

You're the one that said there was tension on the phone when we set up your

appointment.

Oh, right.

I'm not changing my name.

Why don't you tell me how you see your relationship?

Well, it's pretty great, really.

But, you know, as the wedding gets closer, I think you're forced to examine

things a little more closely, you know.

I can be honest here, right?

Absolutely. Well, with Jack, he always has to be right.

But he's always wrong.

I could help him with this if he would listen to me, but he's so stubborn.

So you feel that there are some things that you would like to say to Jack that

you can't?

Yeah, I guess so. I mean, I never thought I'd be getting married at all.

I just kind of saw myself as becoming this 80 -year -old with a 20 -year -old

lover.

And then I realized that in practical terms, that would probably only happen

I were really rich or the lover were blind.

Are you saying that you're settling with Jack?

No.

No, no. I just... I mean, there's always difficult things to work out. I mean,

that's normal, right?

Yes, and it's very important to be totally honest with your partner. I

Tell him those things that you keep inside that you think are keeping you

becoming closer.

I have no secrets.

Everybody has secrets.

Great. Tell me one. I think maybe there are some things that you are afraid to

talk about.

Afraid? I'm not afraid. I still own a pair of crushed velvet hot pants. I fear

nothing.

You don't have to be embarrassed with me. I don't shock easily. And, you know,

Jack opened himself up, and he said some pretty surprising things.

Did he? Yeah.

It's part of the process, and you can do it, too. Just let yourself go. Tell me

something that you feel you can't tell Jack.

Well, that shouldn't be too hard.

Hmm.

Hmm.

These were really positive.

I love that.

Dana, we're running out of time here. I mean, if you don't try to open up, your

problems will never go away.

I mean, maybe you're trying to find a way to get out of getting married

altogether.

Things I feel I can't tell John.

Okay.

Well, I can't tell him that, uh, how much I hate it when we're being

He just skips my neck. He's all over me, but he never gets the neck.

Necks are very important to women. Make a note of that, Doc. A little tip.

Okay, no charge.

Thank you.

And, uh, when we get up in the morning, he never makes the bed.

He just watches me do it.

And when I do tell him, he never tucks the sheet under the mattress on his

He's the one who needs the therapy.

And I can't tell him that it snores, and I can't tell him that I have an uncle

who was in the SS. And you know what? He never did.

Excuse me?

You heard me, the SS. My uncle was a Nazi, okay?

Oh, my God.

I thought I couldn't shock you.

All I said was I didn't shock easily.

Wow.

That's bad.

An uncle who is a Nazi?

Oh, come on. It's not as bad as it sounds. I mean, he wasn't even a German.

was Austrian, and it was a very big army. I think he was in the band or

something.

Jeez.

Your uncle was a Nazi?

Thank you so much. Goodbye.

That's it. I think we can give this a few more minutes.

I mean, I don't think Jack's going to take this Nazi thing very easily.

What do you mean?

I would never tell Jack.

Yeah, but that's what our next session is all about. You'll be coming here

together. He'll open up to you, and you'll open up to him.

for our therapy session.

Oh, right.

Oh, gee, the therapy session. I forgot all about that. You know, it just flew

out of my head. You know what? I can't go.

I made another plan.

Another plan?

Dana, this is the first time we've been to therapy together. What other plan

could you have made?

Well, I'm going to a movie. I made a promise to myself that I would just

up on all the... movies that I have missed, and you know what? If I break a

promise to myself, how could I ever keep a promise to you? Our future's on the

line here, Jack.

Dana, you're talking crazy.

Those little beads of sweat I see in your upper lip, you look like Nixon, for

God's sakes.

Look, Dana, if you want to get out of this therapy thing, just say so.

All right, I am trying to get out of it, and I can't believe you aren't. I mean,

how can you be so calm? You know what we have to go in there and do this

afternoon? What? What do we have to do?

We have to tell each other the little secret that we told him.

Oh, come on. You must have misunderstood.

No.

That's his method.

We open up to him and then to each other.

He told me.

How's it going there, Dr. Weiss?

I tried to tell her it was ridiculous.

Oh, honey, just be quiet and give him the cranberry sauce.

Here you go.

Yeah, I helped make it. I put the nuts in.

Well, I'll be having quite some lunch, won't I?

Are you ready to begin?

Oh, yes, sirree.

Great.

Well, there comes a time...

When every relationship needs to be tested. So what do you say we get right

it?

Jack, why don't you tell Dana what you told me?

Well, all right.

Last July, that Saturday that we had that huge fight, I

ran out and I ran into this woman that I used to know.

I slept with her.

Oh, my God.

I'm sorry.

Oh, my God.

It was a completely nothing thing.

I mean, look, I hated myself afterwards. I didn't even spend the night. I mean,

I wanted to go home and wait by the phone for you to call because I really

missed you.

You know, I had chances, Jack.

But I never followed through with them.

I mean, I know we weren't engaged or anything.

I thought I could trust you.

Look, Dana, deep down inside, I just figured that you and I were going to be

together forever.

And when that word forever went through my mind, I saw myself in 40 years with

my pants hiked up around my neck complaining about my colon.

And I went a little nuts.

This is why I never let myself care this much before.

Dana, please.

Look, I don't want you to think that you can't ever trust me again.

You know why it was only once?

Because she wasn't you.

And I realized that no one else would ever be either.

I love you so much.

Dana?

Do you believe in forgiveness?

No.

Are you sure?

For our line?

Well, you do seem sincere.

The part about you'll never find anybody else like me was right.

I guess forgiveness is a good thing.

Jack, I forgive you.

You do?

Wow, that is great, honey.

Okay, let's go. Wait a minute.

I think it's time for you to tell Jack what you've been keeping from him.

Oh.

Right now?

Oh, come on. Honey, for God's sakes, I just told you I cheated on you, you

Whatever you are, it can't be that big.

That was really terrible.

Well, it's not that bad.

My uncle was in the SS.

Come on. No, I mean, really, what is it? Come on.

S -S, like in Nazis.

Oh, my God, Dana, you had an uncle who was a Nazi? I'm a Jew.

I'm not a Nazi, Jack. I mean, it was my father's sister's husband. I mean, every

family has a black sheep. Yes, I know. My Aunt Mimi was the black sheep in our

family. She never married.

But I don't think she's wanted at Nuremberg for it.

Oh, come on, Jack. Is that fair? I mean, it's not like I got to choose my

relatives. Besides, she thinks he was in the band.

I know it's shocking.

I know it is.

But it would be insane to let something like this tear us apart. For God's sake,

I just forgave you for cheating on me.

Okay.

God, I'm sorry.

I'm overreacting.

Look, it's stupid to get crazy over some guy who's been dead for years.

Actually, he's alive.

He lives in Argentina.

It's not like anybody in the family keeps in touch with him. I mean, I don't

think anybody even knows what he looks like anymore. He's had so much plastic

surgery.

Come on, Jack.

Come on, I mean, don't let this tear us apart.

Let's put this behind us.

I mean, if we can get over stuff like this, I mean, maybe we can make it to

long haul.

Very well put.

Now maybe you see the point of this exercise.

I mean, you've looked the demon in the eye, and how do you feel?

Do you still love each other?

I do.

I do.

Good. Very good.

Now we can explore some of the hidden fears you might have about commitment.

You know, that sounds really, really interesting, and I'm sure it's very

painful, but you know what? We've got to go.

Therapy session. Yes, we feel terrible about that, but, you know, we have to go

to the movie.

We have promised ourselves that we are going to catch up on all the movies that

we've missed, and if we start breaking promises to ourselves now, I mean, what

kind of marriage are we going to have?

Enjoy the turkey. $3 .50 for 45 minutes. Make sure you keep it covered. You know

what, honey? I've been thinking, and I will take your name. No kidding, really?

Here. After the wedding, you can call me Jack.

Are you sure? For our line?