Original subtitles

Would you back off, please?

I mean, it's not a real mouse.

My God,

it's horrible out there. It's raining sideways.

It's some horrible trick of nature.

Last night the weatherman should have put out a no -suede warning.

I can't believe you ran out this morning at 8 a .m. in this weather to get your

dry cleaning. I told you I'd pick it up. It's right on my list.

Right on your list.

I saw that, and honey, I couldn't help but notice that pick -up dry cleaning

below shave and get dressed.

I needed my yellow jacket. It's the yellow jacket kind of day. Don't ask me

explain. Oh, jeez. It's really a mess out there.

Look at all those poor suckers.

On their way to work, getting soaked to the bone, and another advantage of being

unemployed.

Dana! You know, I'm quickly coming to the conclusion that getting fired at the

register is maybe the best thing that's ever happened to me. Really?

Why is that?

Well, you know, first week I was numb.

Didn't know what hit me. Second week I was angry. But now I'm starting to

this is a good thing. No schedule, no routine.

I have the opportunity now to reinvent myself, to awaken the giant within.

Oh, please, Jack. All I have to do to wake up your giant is take off my shirt.

Come on, this dry cleaning bag is soaked.

Hey, hey, hey, what is this?

A copy of the register?

Dana, you went out and bought the register?

I'm sorry, honey, I know you banned it from the house, but I couldn't help

myself. Abe called and said there's a really good review of the restaurant in

there, and I was just dying to see it.

Oh, so Abe is still reading the register, too, huh?

What is this, a conspiracy?

I'm sorry, I shouldn't have brought it inside.

I mean, what good is a good review if it's from a paper that was stupid enough

to fire Jack Stein?

Honey, that's sweet. Look, I'm sorry.

It's okay.

All right? I'm being a jerk. I think it's great you have a good review. Come

Come over here. Let's hear what it says.

Oh, there it is.

For those of you who haven't yet made a trip to the Blue Shamrock, it's a

diamond in the rough.

And except Dana Palladino, it's nothing short of...

Blah, blah, blah.

Her pasta selections are particularly blah, blah, blah. Dana, Dana, what is

blah, blah, blah? Let me see this.

Her pasta selections are nothing short of brilliant.

Dana, they call you brilliant.

It's such an overused word.

The TV critic called the guy who created Beavis and Butthead brilliant.

Am I supposed to feel good that my trout is now in the same company as two

cartoon characters who light their farts on fire?

What is with you?

You should be proud of this. Why are you trying to hide this from me?

Look, I have a very healthy ego.

I'm okay with being unemployed.

What I can't take is somebody feeling sorry for me. Do you feel sorry for me?

No, I just want you to get another job, that's all.

Dana, I don't want to get another job right now. I'm going through a

I've never had, you know, time to do nothing before. Just, you know, hang out

and see what happens.

I can hang out as long as it takes. Look, you want to see this?

This is a computer readout of my new financial system.

The way that I have things set up, I can go without a job for a year.

A whole year, you say?

Dana, could you give me a little support here, please? I'm trying to give it to

you, Jack. It's just... Gee, it seems like lately...

Everything I say is wrong.

Like, I want to remind you right now that you have a job interview this

afternoon, but I'm afraid you're going to jump down my throat.

Very smoothly done, Dana.

I'm impressed.

Yes, I know. I have a job interview. And I'm going to cancel it.

Cancel it?

Why would you cancel an interview with GQ magazine?

Because it doesn't feel like the right place for me. I'm a hard -biting

columnist. How happy am I going to be asking Bobbio what his views are on a

item veto?

Jack, you don't even know if you'll get the job.

Oh, I will get the job. That's the easy part.

Well, okay, if you don't want it, then turn it down, but go for the practice. I

mean, come on, it'll be good for you. Just get out, you know, get out of the

house, make some small talk, schmooze the receptionist, and then when they

you the job, just laugh in their face. Now, doesn't that sound like fun?

Actually, it does.

And also, you used the word schmooze correctly in the sentence for the first

time.

That deserves its own little reward.

Come here.

I hate it when we fight.

We've been fighting so much lately.

I know.

You know, I think we ought to treat ourselves tonight.

What do you say we do something we haven't done in ages, huh?

You just, you know, pop popcorn, get back in bed, and watch a movie.

Or... We could bring our toothbrushes and a bedpan to bed, and we'd never have

to leave.

Nadine, I don't think that was necessary.

I think it was.

I have to go to work.

Good luck on your interview, Jack.

I hope you get the job. Oh, was that the wrong thing to say?

I don't know.

Just don't show up in that robe.

Abe Johnson's good review getting blue shamrock.

Who?

Yeah, right.

Hey, Dana, there's a clown on the phone saying he's Mick Jagger. Probably the

same jerk who keeps calling you asking for a hairy butt.

Hello?

Hi, Mick.

Oh, how great it is to hear your voice.

Yeah, uh -huh.

Oh, I don't know.

I'm still trying to recover from the steel wheels tour.

He lost his chef and he wants me to come and take over for the rest of the

voodoo lounge.

Oh,

I can't.

I know it's hard to believe, but I kind of got some commitments here.

Yes, this is Dana Palladino.

Well, listen, you guys have a great rest of your tour, okay?

All right, thanks.

Bye.

Okay, I got a simple basic question. How the hell do you turn down a tour with

Stone? Dana, you did the right thing. There'll be another tour.

What tour would that be? The strained carrots tour?

You've got to do this, Dana.

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, hey, hey.

How are my compadres?

Yeah, wet enough for you? Yeah.

Hi, honey.

Hi. Any calls for Harry Butts?

So what the hell are you doing? What do you mean?

That's not your usual stool. You always sit at this stool. Hey, don't mess with

me today, man.

What, is there some rule that says a man is to sit in the same stool the rest of

his life?

Listen, my friends, I'm reinventing myself here. I mean, it's the dawn of a

era. Beer, please, Abe. No, you know what?

I'll have a sherry.

The hell you will.

So, uh, honey, how'd your job interview go?

Well, you know, I didn't want that job anyway, and as it turned out, they

offer it to me, so it turned out great.

Oh, God, I'm so sorry.

You didn't get a job you didn't even want.

Dana, please.

I've asked you, you know, not to feel sorry for me. I'm okay with it.

The only mistake I made was going on an interview in the first place. I suppose

that was my fault.

No, I didn't say that.

No, but you were thinking it. I mean, come on, why don't you just be honest?

on and say it. Say, Dana, that was your fault.

Okay, Dana, that was your fault.

And how is that fair? Thanks a lot.

the two of you. I can sense that you're my friend. Jack's my friend.

Now, normally, I wouldn't get involved, but you're in the kitchen and I want

free food.

I just don't get it, Meg.

I mean, this stupid I'm fine routine is just driving me nuts. Why can't he just

say he's upset?

Because he's Jack. I've known him for 15 years. He just can't admit any personal

pain. I don't know how much more I can take. I mean, he keeps saying he wants

reinvent himself.

I mean, what the hell does that mean?

I keep thinking he's going to walk in the house one day in a clown suit and

me if his nose is on straight.

Sex life is not exactly thrilling anymore, either. Well, then maybe the

suit would be a good thing.

Well, I'll tell you how bad it is.

We used to have sex every night.

Now she just doesn't care anymore.

I left the new Victoria's Secret catalog open to page 24.

Oh, the lazy garter belt section.

Yeah.

You got that right. I mean, did she even take the hint?

No. She likes the employed Jack. The unemployed Jack? Forget it.

I think you got it all wrong, buddy. I mean, Dana really cares about you.

Why else would she turn down Mick Jagger?

Mick Jagger? What are you talking about? He called here earlier.

Wanted her to be the chef on the rest of their tour.

Oh, great. Now I'm a pity case.

Dana feels guilty about leaving poor, pathetic, unemployed Jack alone.

She thinks my life is a shambles. So she's now got to stick around and hold

hand. Excuse me, but your life is pretty much a shambles, isn't it?

No, I have a great opportunity here. It's my first chance to slow down and

little perspective.

I'm in control of my destiny.

The only problem I'm having is that I'm in a relationship now, which is probably

the worst place for me to be. Oh, what are you saying, Jack?

Well, I'm saying that, you know, maybe, uh, Dana and I, well, maybe we shouldn't

be together right now.

It's not fair to either one of us. Oh, see, I knew it. I knew it would come to

this. I can see it already.

The two of you split up and the whole restaurant is filled with tension.

Eventually, you'll find some other place to hang out. Ray and Meg are going

bang. That's 50 % of my income out the door.

Dave, does everything have to be about you?

Yes, I believe it does.

Jeez, Jack.

Don't you think this is kind of drastic?

I mean, breaking up with Dana?

You'd have to move all your stuff out of her place?

Well, back to where?

Back to my place, Ray.

Look, I know I sublet you the apartment, but...

Look, this is something I have to do. I know it's right, and I just have to

figure out the best way to tell Dana.

You know, she's a classy woman, and when you make a step this big, when you make

something this life -changing, you have to do it right.

I have to do it tonight.

Tonight?

You sure you don't want to think it over a while? Maybe a year or two?

No. I don't want to get cold feet.

I was thinking I'd take it to a fancy restaurant.

You know, it's a classy thing to do.

You know, Dana deserves the best, and then she would see that the unemployed

still can spend a little money.

Yeah. When Dana thinks back on this, I want her to look at it and remember that

I did it with dignity and style over a great meal and a fine bottle of wine.

Not in an Orange Julius like so many others before her.

Dana, I have something to tell you. It is big.

Really big. Although, I don't know, maybe it isn't my place to say. Oh, but

so exciting. Well, no, I don't know, actually.

Then don't say. Okay. You twisted my arm.

Jack is going to ask you to marry him.

What? Wow.

I can actually see the blood draining from your face.

Marry him?

Oh, my God.

Why is he doing this?

You live with a guy for a year, you share your most intimate thoughts with

you laugh with him, you cry with him, and then he turns around and wants to

marry you?

You just can't trust people.

You've been living together. Isn't that where the train is headed?

No!

I thought we'd just go on like this, like living together. I mean, we're both

avoiders.

You don't know that marriage can be a wonderful thing.

He just went through a painful divorce.

Is your name Dana?

Now, call me a hopeless romantic, but if I had it to do all over again, I would.

Well, with a different man.

And maybe different children.

I don't know.

Oh, this is the nightmare.

Here he is at the most vulnerable time in his life.

He's going out on an emotional limb.

Everybody okay here? Oh, yeah, yeah. Fine.

Dana,

you know, I've been thinking.

I think we should go out tonight.

Someplace really nice.

Like Lutece.

Lutece? Wow.

That's just about the fanciest restaurant in New York.

It's like the pie there is like, what, $100?

Yeah, that's where I want to take you tonight.

It's important.

It's important.

Well, gee, I guess I could do the dinner menu and then...

Maybe you and Henry could handle the kitchen.

Good, good. I'll make the reservations for eight.

You're joking about the price of pie there, huh?

More rain tomorrow with the chance of thunderstorms. Oh, Jack.

Hey, Ray. Mind if I come in?

Sure, no problem.

My home is your home.

Well, actually, my home is your home.

That is until you're running it to me.

So what are you doing here, Jack?

Did you tell Dana already?

No, no. Gunner's not for another hour, and I've been walking around, you know,

just trying to clear my head.

Walking around? Jack, it's a monsoon out there.

There's prostitutes picking up johns and dings.

Oh, really? I just saw it in the room.

Look, Ray, I'm going nuts here.

You know, I don't know how to break up with Dana, and everything I come up with

sounds really horrible, and I hate the idea of hurting her.

Maybe I could just bounce a couple of things off of you, you know? I need the

help. Sure, you can give it a try.

I thought I would start off with, um... Look, Dana, I have something to talk to

you about.

Ooh. What?

Red flag.

Sounds too ominous.

Well, I'm not telling I won the lottery, for God's sakes. All right, you're

right. Go ahead.

Dana, you know, we've been together for almost a year now. Uh -uh, uh -uh, uh

-uh.

What? Well, it's too ambiguous.

An opening like that could be a good thing.

You know, you're zigging while she's zagging.

Wham! Blindside hit.

Kind of cruel, Jack.

Dana, I have to be honest with you.

No, I like it. Oh, okay.

I think you're a very special person.

Yeah, that's good.

Yeah, and then maybe she'd say something like, well, thank you, Jack.

That's very sweet.

I think you're special, too. No, I think you're very special, Dana.

I just don't deserve someone like you.

Oh, my God.

You're breaking up with me.

Well, tell me why. What did I do?

No, you didn't do anything. It's me. I mean, I don't deserve someone as good as

you. Oh, please don't demean me, too.

Now, I just wish you would have been a little bit more honest with me from the

beginning.

You know, because I put a lot of faith and trust and love into our

You're not the only one who's had to make compromises, you know. I could be

of the Rolling Stones.

No, I'm here. I'm here with you.

And it hurts me very deeply that when you're going through a hard time, you'd

rather go through it alone than let me go through it with you.

I thought I meant more to you.

Apparently, I don't.

Well, if that's the way you feel, then I won't stand in your way.

Hold me one last time.

Oh, you're right, honey.

Let's give it a second chance.

What the hell am I doing?

I've caved in here.

How did this happen?

You know, Ray, you're too good.

I want the apartment.

It better be good. It's pouring rain. These jeans are new. My legs will be

for a week.

Thanks for coming, Meg.

You're the only one who can help me out with this. You're his best friend.

Yeah, so who better to help you stomp his guts out? Oh, don't say that. I want

to try and let him down easy. I just don't know how to do it.

My God, he's going to be here in half an hour.

Does this dress look too good?

I don't want to look too good because that would send the wrong message.

But on the other hand, it is Lutece. I can't be seen there in just anything.

Now, what kind of approach do you think I ought to take?

Do you think he would appreciate the practical no -nonsense approach?

Or should I be emotional and passionate? Or should I just lie? I'm so damn good

at that.

I've never seen you like this before. It's unnerving.

Now, we're in the restaurant now.

We're in the restaurant now.

And we're at our table having a drink.

And I look up and I say, Jack. Wow, what kind of lettuce costs 12 bucks?

I've been thinking about it a lot lately, and I've just been thinking that

relationship is growing into something... Hey, whose butt do I have

get another drink around here? Oh, right there.

Well,

no wonder I was getting so irritated.

This is going to be horrible, no matter what I say.

I just wasn't meant to have a serious relationship. I'm better off without a

man. I'm better off with you, for God's sake.

Not really. I'll leave the toilet seat up at night.

I pee in the shower.

I'm just trying to lighten the mood.

Look, Dana, you don't need me to tell you this.

When a guy asks a woman to marry him and she says no, well, I've never seen the

relationship survive.

I mean, yeah, you know, it goes on for a little while, but eventually the people

break up.

And I would really hate to see that happen to you and Jack.

I think you guys are really meant to be together.

And this is snappier than I have ever been in my life, so can I please shut up

now, because I'm really starting to hate myself.

Nobody knows how to drive in the rain.

We haven't moved for ten minutes.

What time is our reservation?

Eight o 'clock. It's going to be tight.

You see any openings up there?

Could you try and squeeze around that bus?

What the hell did

he say?

My best guess is he can't get around the bus.

You look great.

Thank you.

So do you.

Oh, man.

Look at her sitting there all innocent.

She has no idea what's about to happen.

He's such a jerk.

Why couldn't he have left well enough alone?

What a couple of bozos.

They fall for the fake language bit every time.

Is there any way you could go around?

I wonder if they noticed I rigged the meter.

Uh -oh.

He's getting restless.

He's not going to pop the question now, is he?

Great. On top of everything else, my underwear's starting to creep.

I can't take it anymore.

Maybe I should just do it now and get it over with.

Yeah, this'll be good.

I'm looking forward to being the lone wolf again.

Start hanging out with the guys more. Get a week's poker game started.

Yeah. Let's see. Who do I know that's not married?

Um, Ray?

Ray?

So I'll be back on the circuit again.

Lots of running around, lots of parties, out all night, crossing time zones,

eating breakfast in last night's dress, searching through the yellow pages to

find someone who can remove an unfortunate tattoo.

But there's nothing like being able to watch TV by yourself.

Yeah. Nobody to grab the clicker away from you.

I can watch the reruns of Bonanza without having to explain to her why the

brothers look so different.

Yeah, it's me, the TV, and Franks and beans I eat right out of the can.

Now we're talking lifestyle.

Oh, she looks pretty cute.

Nope, I can't let that sway me.

I've got to break up with her. I'm going to do it right now.

I hope she doesn't cry.

He's looking at me funny. This is it.

Oh, please don't let him cry.

Dana, there's something I have to tell you, and it's very important.

Will you marry me? Yes.

You didn't have to say yes. I mean, I don't even have a job. I've been acting

like a jerk.

Well, that's okay. You're just scared.

But I love you.

I love you, too.

Then everything will be fine.

This feels pretty good.

Yeah. It feels great.

She can do better.

Wait a minute, is that a 50 on that meter?

Is that an American money or wherever the hell you're from? What are we

about here?

Stop all that!

Wait a minute, what is this, $100 on the floor?