Original subtitles

Good evening, comrades.

Where's everybody going?

10 o 'clock. Abe pulled the free pretzels, so we're heading home.

Actually, it's 10 .02, and in one hour and 58 minutes, I'm going to be buying

everybody drinks. You want to know why?

Uh -oh, what day is it? That's right. At the stroke of midnight begins the

celebration of a little miracle called Jack Stein.

It's my birthday.

Come on, guys.

Give him a little support when you get to be Jack's age. Each birthday is

precious. Yeah.

What? Oh, damn.

You've only been going out with the old geezer for nine months. I've known him

for 12 years.

You have no idea what a Jack Stein birthday is all about. Last year, he

wear his Jack Stein's birthday T -shirt to the bowling party that we had to pay

for.

That sucked.

Well, that was last year before Jack had someone special in his life. And

tomorrow, I have a terrific evening planned for...

drinks at the sign of the Dove, then dinner at Café des Artistes, and then

afterwards a little nightcap at Chez Dana, where, if you're over 18, and you

obviously are, anything goes.

Oh, well.

Dana, that sounds like a wonderful way to end a magical day, but now I'd like

tell you how I'd like to start my day, okay? Oh, boy, you guys weren't kidding.

Jack, don't make me bold. Now, wait a minute, Dana.

My birthday means that it's my day. And on my day, I'm king. And as king, hell,

I could make a ball with no clothes on if I wanted to. But this year, His

Majesty requests your presence in Atlantic City.

Yes! Yes!

Great idea! We can be there in an hour and a half. I say we hop in your

We'll play all night long, and then we'll drive back before the workday

Leave now?

No way. I'm bushed.

There was an inspection at the dump this morning. We had to get there at dawn to

tidy up.

Afraid you wuss.

But you can count me in, my liege.

I got a score to settle at the blackjack table with a certain dealer named Pete.

Uh, Pete.

Last time I was there, he dealt me out of $400. He cleaned me out. I had to beg

the keynote girl to let me walk her dog in exchange for a free shrimp cocktail.

I am going to get his ass.

Hey, hey, what are you doing?

Gracie to ask permission?

No way, now, I don't need her permission, but if I'm staying out all

only fair I give her a call, you know? Oh, yeah, hey, Gracie, listen, uh, I

gotta go out of town tonight.

Uh, yeah, uh, business.

Mm -hmm.

Atlantic City.

It is so business.

It's a company picnic with my most valuable customers.

Uh -huh.

Yeah, and I'll be back first thing in the morning.

I just think that... Uh -huh.

Mm -hmm.

Mm -hmm.

Yeah, but I really want to go.

Yeah, I'll bring you back a present, I promise.

Yeah, uh -huh.

Yeah, I'll fix all those things on Saturday.

And I'll go with you to yoga, yeah.

And I love you, too.

You're not coming? I mean, it's okay. It just means you're not popular. Yeah.

Darn it. Pure pressure. All right, all right. All right.

Yeah, but I'm sleeping on the way down.

All right, great. That is everybody. Where is Dana? Where in the hell is

Here I am. I'm ready to go.

Happy birthday to me. Oh, yes, it's good to be king.

Welcome to the world famous golden Egyptian.

Here we are, folks. Tomb 1205.

Wow. Nothing like the craftsmanship of enslaved Jews.

Hey, I think my cousin Irv carved this.

It's a clever one, sir. Never heard that from one of our Jewish guests before.

Watch that sarcasm, my friend. It would be a crying shame if this entire hotel

were suddenly overrun by locusts.

All right, since we've all agreed to share this unique... weekly decorated

for naps and showers, I think we ought to have a few rules.

Number one, no throwing wet towels in the sarcophagus.

You can't chain me with your rules.

I want to get downstairs and start gambling and smoking and who knows,

even find me a cute little pharaoh.

Well, I call first nap. Oh, come on, Ray. You can sleep when you get to be

Jack's age.

Real men don't sleep in Atlantic City. Now come down and... Help me find Pete

the dealer and watch while I make him cry. Yeah.

Hey, come on. What are you doing?

What's the matter, Jack? Not enough people laughed at us when we were

in? All right, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Before anybody goes anywhere,

going to give you some important gambling advice.

Silence. The king is about to issue a decree.

Thank you very, very much. Okay. It boils down to three words.

Know thy limit. I myself have a limit of $200. So I put my wallet into the

nightstand so that I don't have any temptation whatsoever.

What is this?

500 bucks in chips?

I see that God, too, is celebrating my birthday.

And, of course, as a benevolent ruler, I will divide this among my people.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. What are you thinking about? You can't take those

chips. Their money belongs to somebody else. I mean, you have to take it back

down to the desk.

You know, some stones should be left unturned.

Otherwise, those who have dirtied their hands will find themselves cursed.

Cursed vibrations.

Dana, don't go wiggy on us, okay?

This is what Atlantic City is all about. You know, you open a drawer and ka

-ching, 500 bucks.

Go ahead, turn your back on free cash if you want to. That's your prerogative.

This means 100 for each one of us. Whoa.

You're a good girl.

Now, come on.

Isn't everybody going to turn their chip in?

Oh, that's bad luck.

All right, now listen, just so you're not intimidated by this game of

I bought you this little pocket gambling guy in a coffee shop, all right? So the

first thing you do is you just put your money right down there. Jack, could you

scoot over? I'm going to play two hands.

Two? Yeah, I just get a little bored with one. Oh, they're playing off of

decks. Well, that's all right. I can handle that.

See what we got here.

Two's a push, I'm good here, and double down on the 11.

Well, okay, the guy will be right here in case you need it.

I'll take a hit, too.

Anything but a...

17. Pay 18.

Oh, you're betting the whole $100 devil chip at once?

I'm not betting it. I'm just getting change.

God, you're like some old gypsy woman. Because.

Because.

Get or stay, sir.

What? Do you want a card?

No, I don't want a card. I want change for my $100 chip. The $100 chip is on

betting square, sir.

No, no, I just tossed it down. I was talking to my friend here. I didn't

where it landed. That's all. I've already dealt the hand.

Look, clearly it... was a change toss. I mean, anybody could see by the way that

I flicked my wrist. I didn't want to bet that chip.

Sir, this casino doesn't recognize wrist flicking.

Is this your first time?

Because there's an instructional video in your tomb.

All right, I'll take a card.

Well, well, Gypsy Queen, my cursed chip has brought me a 20.

Blackjack. Sorry, folks.

Go ahead, Pete.

Go ahead.

Give me a card. Go ahead.

I'm giving you a card. I'm going ahead.

This card stinks. There's only a card can stink when dealt by you.

But I'll stick.

Oh, I'm thrilled.

Yes, you butt in your face, Petey Boy Pay.

I'm bored.

You said this was only going to take a minute. How long are you going to be?

Come on.

Ray, you're bugging me. Back off. I can't afford to split my focus.

Hey, Mary Margaret, you know, there's a late show. Gary Coleman or Emanuel Lewis

doing the odd couple.

Ray, just go over and play the slots until I'm finished.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, bust, you bastard, bust. Ha!

That is 100 back to its rightful honor. How does it feel, Pete? How does it

feel?

Hi, Vicki.

I'm Ray.

So, Ray, what are you doing here? An attractive man like yourself must go out

place among the masses.

I don't know, maybe it's the uniform.

You're a prostitute, aren't you?

Yes, I am.

What do you say, Ray?

Are you interested in retaining my services for an hour or two?

Well, of course I'm interested.

You're a very beautiful woman, Vicki.

The problem is I live by a code.

Oh, you're married.

No.

You got a special girl?

Oh, no, not that either.

You see, I waited a long time for the right girl to come along.

Well, in a moment of weakness, I hopped into bed with my best friend.

Oh, oh, I see.

Well, if you hang out by King Tut's tomb, there's a guy named Lloyd who

more what you're looking for.

My best friend's a woman, Mary Margaret.

Although I care for her deeply, you know, she's not the one.

Excuse me, could I get changed for this $100 chip?

Sure.

Good luck.

Thank you.

So, as I was saying, Vicki, I promise myself no more sex until Miss Wright

crosses my path. I hope you understand.

I do.

Then you just want to cuddle? That's only 50 bucks.

Man, this line is taking forever, huh? Oh, man, you're telling me.

I am starved. You know, the brochure said that this buffet is critically

acclaimed and all you can eat.

Oh, isn't that great?

And the thing, my wife didn't want me to come. She told me I was going to lose

all my money. Yours, too, huh? Yeah. Man, women just don't get it.

Yeah, well, let me give you some advice.

Bring her back a little present. Hey, great idea.

I can see I'm in the presence of a master, huh?

Oh, you're too kind.

Hey.

Take a look at these babies.

Anthony and Cleopatra earrings.

That's class.

Yeah, yeah. Hey, look at their eyes. See, they follow you around the room.

Oh, that's too cool.

How much did those set you back?

A hundred bucks. And they let me pay for them with a chip.

Yeah.

Oh, hey, by the way, my name is Abe. Abe. Tommy. Yeah, yeah.

I'm breathing in secondhand smoke and loving every minute of this.

Oh, there's no stopping me now. I'm going to have new experiences, try new

things, meet new people. Hello.

Wow, that was fast.

Hello.

You look a little bewildered. Would you like to learn how to play craps?

Me? Well, you know, I would.

Okay. We want anything but snake eyes or a 12.

Okay. All right?

Touch my hand for good luck.

Is that good? That's not bad.

We're still alive.

Oh, alive. Okay.

I don't believe I caught your name.

Nadine Berkus. Oh, no, no, wait.

I'm recently divorced.

Nadine Tuttle. Oh, no, no, no. Too free, too naked. I don't like that.

Nadine Tuttle Berkus. No.

Nadine Berkus Tuttle. Nadine B.

Tuttle. What's your name?

Steve.

Steve who's been divorced for five years.

All right. Now, Nadine, what we need now is another six. Okay.

Touch my hand again.

I love this game.

Oh, yes!

19, pay 20.

That would be me.

Please, please, don't do it. I just lost my last $5. And I bet you're really

sorry about blowing all that money on that T -shirt.

Oh, poor baby.

Here's a $5 chip. Why don't you go see what you can work that up to at the

quarter slots?

As for me, I'm going to go cash out some of these chips.

I don't want to throw out my back.

Oh, look at that, Tommy.

Why, they're going to be sorry they ever made an all -you -can -eat deal with

us.

Oh, boy.

What, you okay, Tommy?

Oh, boy, I don't know.

Why? My stomach.

Huh? I think I'm coming down with the flu or something.

Oh. I don't think I can make it. Oh, come on, Tommy. You can't quit now.

we've gone too far. Now just lean on me. Sorry, pal. Huh?

I got to go. Oh, wait. Tommy, wait. Hey. Hey, wait a minute.

That'll be $3 .95, please.

Oh, okay. $3 .95, and you'll enter the promised land. All right.

I'm sorry.

I know I had my wallet.

I was showing Tommy a picture of my wife and... Oh, man, the earrings are going,

too.

Oh, no.

It was Tommy.

Next.

I'll find you, you traitor.

Hey, look. Hey, don't talk to strangers.

Don't talk to strangers.

I am putting my $100 chip on the line.

Because that is how confident I am. Okay?

What's wrong, Pete?

You won't shut up.

Just give me another card.

16 and... And? And what? And what? And but...

a few more times, what do you say we fly to Monte Carlo and do some real

gambling? Oh, Monte Carlo.

Oh, I can't breathe.

Monte Carlo?

I've seen the movies.

I've ridden in the car, but I... Oh, my, I never even dreamt I'd ever go there.

Oh, Steve, roll. I'm rolling. Wait, wait, wait. For extra good luck, I'm

in my $100 tip. Okay.

Here we go. Okay.

I've ever been lucky for anyone in my life.

Monte Carlo, I can't wait to go.

Sorry, lady.

The only place you're going is downtown.

What? What's going on here? Hotel security.

Let's see that dice.

No wonder you were winning all night.

These dice are loaded.

What? Come on, let's go. Wait, wait, wait. Steve, Steve, tell them there's

a mistake.

See, if you have sexual morals, it seems like you're living in the past.

But the truth is, everybody else, they're just drifting with the tide.

But you, you're steadfast. You're an anchor.

Oh, Ray, I want to be an anchor.

It's far too late to change my life.

I will go back to community college, no matter how ill -equipped the science lab

is.

I'm proud of you, Vicki.

Hey!

All right!

I think the big guy was listening, huh?

Hey, Vicki, all that's for you.

You go ahead.

Maybe you can buy that organic chemistry book you've been wanting.

I don't know.

That was on the house.

Well, thank you.

Okay, boys, the stakes are getting large here.

I'm raising it another 50.

You gonna talk or you gonna play cards?

I'm gonna talk and play cards.

I'll see you 50 and bump it up another 50.

Gee, that's too much for my old ticker.

I fold.

Sir, if you have such a weak heart, you shouldn't be staring at my breasts now,

should you?

I'll see you at 50.

Average at 100.

Oh, my, a man of steel. I like that.

May I?

Hmm.

I'll see you.

What's a girl to do?

Well, I think I'll just see you at 100 and bump it up

another 100 just for good measure.

What are you doing bumping into another hundred? What am I doing? I'm playing

cards. You've got to be bluffing.

Well, you can certainly find out.

But it's going to cost you.

See my hundred and call. Are you staring at my breast again?

So what's it going to be?

You got what it takes?

I can't do it.

It's musty.

I think these would make very cute buttons, don't you?

Will you not tell anyone that I went back to the room for my wallet? Will you

lend me $3 .95 for the buffet?

Will you never reveal to Meg that I played those quarter slots?

Will you tell Gracie how stolen earrings were the most beautiful you've ever

seen? This is ridiculous.

Yeah, that's right.

Oh, man, the deadbolt's on. It's probably... I bet he's in there sound

We know you're in there.

I'm going to figure something out.

You just let him in and try to be cool.

All right, got it.

Harry Parker, we've got to make a couple rules.

No more drinking tequila unless there's three people present.

No sharing a bed, for God's sake. And no wearing nothing but a shower cap and

walking like an Egyptian.

And by the way, it was great again.

While I was in the shower, I must not have heard you.

All right, I'm just going to get another 100.

Ray, you know, you're all flushed.

Do you feel okay?

I feel great.

That was Nadine. You're not going to believe this.

She's in jail. What? You've got to be kidding. Yeah, she wants us to come down

with 800 bucks to bail her out. 800 bucks?

What'd she do, kill an Elvis impersonator?

She got caught using phony dice.

Oh, and she said she was framed.

Let's pull our money together and see what we got.

Well, I've got squat.

I got 100.

I give all my money to a prostitute.

For tuition.

To what? Horror college?

Well,

I got $600 in cash plus my damn chip. That makes $800. Now we're wiped out.

The curse of the chip.

Look, I'm going to go with Meg and Ray and file a police report and look

the mug shots for that weasel Tommy.

Let's get out of here. Hey, Dana.

Hey.

Where are you guys going?

Meg and Ray and I just had to use all of our money to bail Nadine out of jail.

He was tagging along because he got robbed.

Wow.

Go ahead, say it.

Say what?

You know what.

The chips.

We all took the chips, and then we all lost our money.

You know, maybe it was just a coincidence, huh? I don't think so.

The only one who didn't take a chip started out with $20 and ended up with

200 smack -a -roonies.

God. But I don't want to gloat.

I know your birthday's been bad enough as it is.

Well, you know, actually, this has been one of the best birthdays I've ever had.

I mean, everyone wore my T -shirt, and now I'm alone in the hotel room with

You see, right now I'm having a very wonderful time.

Hey, me too.

It's not even my birthday.

There's only one question left unanswered.

What are Meg's underwear doing stuffed under this pillow?

I think that's two questions unanswered. How do you know they're Meg's?

Dana, that's the riddle of the Sphinx.

Come on, come on.

I heard of cherries.

Where in the hell are the damn cherries?

Pop them up, you rotten, no -good machine.

Need more quarters, birthday boy?

Shut up.

I have three quarters left.

Ah!

Make that four.