Original subtitles

Be right back.

There you go.

Be right back.

There you go.

Hang on a second.

Be right back. Don't eat that! That's not yours! Hang on.

That's for you. Bon appetit. Hello. Hi. Sorry, I can only do so many things at

once. How can I help you? We're with the INS, the Immigration and Naturalization

Service. We'd like to speak to the owner of the restaurant. If it's not too much

trouble. We're the INS. It doesn't matter if we're trouble.

Don't mind him. He's new. The owner. You want the owner.

I'm not the owner. It's not me. I'm not the one. I'm not responsible. I just

work here. Honest to God.

There's your man. That's the one you want. Come here. Follow me.

Hey. Yeah.

These gentlemen would like to talk to you. They're from the Immigration and

Naturalization Service.

Well, well.

Aren't you folks in the news these days?

What can I do for you? Is there a problem? No, we're just doing a random

of the different restaurants in the neighborhood. You know, make sure all

employees are legal citizens.

It's not a raid, is it?

I'm just curious because innocent people get caught up in raids.

I myself am of Swedish descent.

Hence the milky complexion. But I was born in Minneapolis.

Ooh, such weather. Very, very cold. Lots of snow.

Just a little factoid.

Probably of no value to you. You know, you can write it down, throw it away,

doesn't matter. Makes no never mind to me. James Madison was our fourth

president. Only an American would know that. Maybe.

Did you get a hot tip, or did you just use this INS line to pick up women?

That's cute.

Ever since California passed Proposition 187 with a landslide, you know, the

message is kind of clear. Get tough on illegal immigrants.

Which is kind of great for me, because with all the overtime I'm putting in, I

can finally add that deck to my house.

Oh, good for you.

At last, we have a solution to all our problems. I mean, we used to run around

saying, a chicken in every pot.

Then it was health care for all Americans.

Well, those two bombed out, so now it's you look different than me. Get out.

Hey, hey, I got an idea.

Nobody's used the Berlin Wall in a while. Why don't we just set it up over

Ooh, ooh, better yet, in every port of entry, we'll put up a big sign that

keep rowing, Australia's got free beer.

You know, this is just off the top of my head, but maybe instead of sending all

our taxpayer dollars to support corrupt government, maybe we could send it to

the people of those nations.

Maybe they could feed themselves or educate their young or voice an opinion

without the fear of being killed. They wouldn't have to come here in the first

place. Ray Litvak, sanitation worker and American.

Mr. Pellett, I know you're probably getting a lot of grief from what's left

all the bleeding -heart liberals, but I, for one, applaud what you're trying to

do. I mean, I really do think there are too many illegal aliens in this country.

You know, we just can't support them. They're draining us dry.

I mean, look, our founding fathers fought long and hard to create a system

despite the fact that a man like Sonny Bono is going to lead us into the next

millennium, still works.

I mean, I say if you didn't take the time to come into this country legally,

you're out.

Beer, please, Abe.

I got a list here of all of your employees.

Now, I want to pick a few of them at random. I mean, completely at random,

starting with him.

Javier, these men are from the INS. They want to see your papers.

All my papers? You want to see my papers?

Let's see what I have here. Let's see. I have my New York library card, my

Blockbuster video card, and, oh.

Here's a little piece of bamboo from the raft I floated over here on.

All right, all right. How about a Social Security card?

This is not a good day. There's Americans everywhere.

All right, so where can we find Mr.

Wang? He's in the kitchen.

Mind if we take a look?

This way.

Dana, these gentlemen would like to ask a few questions.

Oh, for God's... The health inspectors were just here two weeks ago.

What, did you think you were going to catch me stirring the marinara sauce

my feet?

Look at this place.

It's a damn clinic.

I could do open -heart surgery on this prep table.

Want to be the first?

Oh, wow.

She's a kick in the head, isn't she?

They're not health inspectors, Dana. They're from the Immigration and

Naturalization Service.

Oh.

Well, why don't you say so?

Is this your idea of fun, going around irritating people, huh?

What is this, Nazi Germany? Hey, you, Otto, hands off the strawberries.

Just making a spot check, ma 'am. Don't worry, we'll be out of your way in no

time. Let's see here.

Mr. Wang.

I'm guessing you must be Mr. Wang.

Actually, it's Wangstein.

My grandpa changed it over at Ellis Island.

Look, pal, let's cut the mishigas.

I was born in Nebraska.

My dad works for Mutual of Omaha.

Hey, what kind of insurance do you have?

Oh, come on. Let's get out of here.

All through, sir?

Everything's fine. Thanks for your help. Hold on, hold on a second.

I got a question for you guys.

I want to know how come you single out Henry and Javier?

Would it have anything to do with their last name or how they look?

Huh? I mean, how do you know I'm not illegal?

Come on, let's be reasonable.

No, no, no. Maybe I'm Canadian.

How could you ever be able to tell?

I mean, Canadians look and act just like us. Meanwhile, they're out there living

among us in a kind of eerie secrecy.

Here's a little tip.

If you're looking to smoke out a Canadian, walk into a crowd and throw a

of paper on the ground.

Somebody picks it up, you got your canuck.

No, wait, no, wait. No, no, I am serious. I want to know how come you

those two guys. I mean, is that fair?

Shouldn't you be asking to see everybody's proof of citizenship?

No,

no, no, no. Here you go.

Here's my driver's license.

Right here.

Here's mine.

I know, I know the barrettes were a mistake.

Dana, show me your idea. It's no sense in Henry and Javier being the only ones

humiliated. My idea? Yeah. Oh, Abe, I think we've proved our little point.

Besides, my purse is all the way in the kitchen under some canned goods. I

wouldn't want to waste their time looking for it.

Besides, if you ask me, I don't think that Javier and Henry were all that

humiliated.

Well, let's just see what we have here.

So ridiculous.

All right.

Sack charge.

Ann Taylor charge.

Here's a punch card from the salon where I get my facials done. Don't lose that.

Three more and I get a free peel.

And this is a wallet -sized portrait of me. My father painted. He's a famous

artist. Dante Palladino. Maybe you know him.

Why is your ear in the middle of your forehead?

Haven't you ever been to a museum?

It's called artistic license.

I think you know what kind of license I'm interested in. Your driver's

Can you produce that?

No.

Actually, I don't have a driver's license.

What are you talking about? Of course you have a driver's license.

I mean, I've been in cars that you were driving. And very fast, I might add.

Italian driver's license.

And you know it's harder to get one in Italy than it is the States. I mean,

there, you have to be able to parallel park while uncorking a bottle of

Hey, hey, hey, come on, just show them you bought a registration card.

Um, I don't have one.

You don't have one?

How'd you vote for president?

I didn't vote, okay?

I went to a sale at Bergdorf's instead.

It was the same kind of thing. I went in a booth, I made a choice.

The red or the black cocktail drip?

I went with the red.

And let me tell you, it's worked out a whole lot better than Clinton did.

What about a U .S. passport?

Actually, my passport is Italian.

Oh, boy.

You're an illegal alien?

My partner's an illegal alien?

Hey, for God's sake, I am not an illegal alien. It just happens that I was born

in Italy, but my parents are American, which automatically makes me an American

citizen, right?

Good question. Well, let me take this. It was on the final exam.

People born out of this country to American citizens cannot reside here

they have a certificate of citizenship.

A certificate of what exactly was that again?

Oh, my God, you are an illegal alien.

I've been having sex with someone who probably hadn't had all her shots.

It's just a piece of paper. This is ridiculous, and I'm sure I have it

someplace. Oh, boy, we got a live one.

Without proper papers, Miss Palladino, we're going to have to detain you. Take

you downtown for further questioning by our supervisor who might schedule a

deportation charge. Oh, come on!

Wait a minute here! You can't just take her out of here, can you? I really can't

go. I'm right in the middle of dinner. I don't think people can wait that long

for their food, really. Jack, are you coming? Yes, yes, I'm coming. You think

it's too ridiculous to ask at this point in the relationship?

Are you also a spy?

Dana, I am not staying. I think you had a... easier time of it in the holding

cell. All I'm saying is that at least you illegals had cots and chairs to sit

on. While, of course, the poor loved ones like me will have to lean against

wall and watch my neighbor eat a hummus and jelly sandwich.

I just want to get dinner started and go home and take a shower.

You mean they didn't turn the hoses on you?

Basically, everything is okay. We got a great lawyer, the best money could buy.

Money we wouldn't have to spend.

Someone's father had coughed up four big bucks 30 years ago to file his

daughter's certificate of citizenship.

If you say one more thing about the four dollars, I'm going to be going to jail

for a completely different reason.

God, what a night.

I was interrogated for six hours by an INS supervisor who was trying to stop

smoking.

I tried to incite the other inmates to riot, but it's... Very difficult to

mobilize people who are trying to learn English by watching Saved by the Bill on

a nine -inch black -and -white TV.

And by the way, Abe, what took you so long to come up with that bail money?

What took so long? How about thanks, Abe, you saved my butt. Oh, no, no, no,

nobody ever thanks, Abe. I'm just one big cash machine.

Well, for your information, I have feelings, too.

I'm sorry you're right.

Thank you.

Don't mention it.

I'm taking it out of your paycheck.

Jack, tell the truth.

How much trouble is she in? I don't know. This whole thing is a nightmare.

And, of course, it makes it that much harder when you're two people of very

different faiths.

I, as you know, am a practicing member of the human race, and Dana's an

anarchist.

I heard that.

I am not an anarchist. You don't vote.

You drive around without a license.

What if everyone did that? What if everyone just went around doing whatever

felt? What would you call that?

Italy.

A place with great food and incredible art where you can drive on the...

sidewalk if you want to. Dana, I don't believe this. You're defending your

position. You've been in jail. You've been checked for lice, for God's sakes.

That would make a normal person reevaluate their thinking.

All right.

We're both still a little upset right now. All right, all right.

We'll get through this.

All we have to do is just show up for that deportation hearing on Wednesday.

Deportation hearing? Oh, Dana. Oh, Dana. Oh, my dear. They're going to put you

on a plane, and the two of you are going to be separated from one another for

weeks.

Months, maybe.

Maybe forever.

And with so few childbearing years left, oh, this is... Nadine, I'm not going

anywhere. All we have to do is prove that my father lived in this country for

ten consecutive years any time before my birth. And stand in ten gazillion lines

and fill out ten gazillion forms, and then they give me your certificate of

citizenship. My God, no wonder people sail halfway around the world on a raft.

It's easier.

Look, maybe I'm old -fashioned, but I think becoming an American shouldn't be

easy. I mean, people stand in line all day at Disneyland to get on some 90

-second ride that's going to make them throw up.

All right, all right.

All I have to do is call my father so he can tell us where to find his tax

returns or his school reports or whatever it is they want to clear up

mess.

I'll start in Rome. If I can't find him there, I'll try his friend Drago in

Cyprus, and then maybe Aiel, the guy who runs the gallery in Tel Aviv. You see,

this is the big difference between you and I.

I mean, I don't need a satellite hookup to find my mother.

All I have to do is think about not marrying a Jewish girl, and the phone

I can't believe this. It's been a week.

The hearing is tomorrow.

What kind of man doesn't call in... for his messages in a week.

Oh, yeah, I'm expecting order and stability from the man that painted

I mean, look at it. It's total chaos.

Not unlike your filing system.

What's wrong with my filing system? Look what we just found in my personal

memento file.

The personal memento file?

That would be the Joan and David boot box or the Victoria's Secret tote bag?

It doesn't matter what it's in. The problem is the thing.

We have to prove that my father lived here for ten years before I was born.

Now look at this.

It's a sketch that Dante did of a woman in Washington Square.

And if you look closely at the silhouette of the clothing, it will

conclusively that Dante did live here in 1955, the year that Dior introduced the

new look.

I am so relieved. There's nothing to worry about.

We have the Dior defense.

What else have you got?

Letter to my mother, dated 1958, which was just after they met.

Postmark New York City.

Want me to read it to you?

No, thanks.

I've had enough trouble dealing with this.

Oh.

That's me and Sardinia.

Don't look so shocked. All the beaches there are topless.

But you're not on the beach.

You're in a cafe having coffee.

It was iced coffee and it was very hot, okay?

Let's just keep going through this stuff.

Oh.

Remember, we have the affidavit coming over, too. You know, from the former

mistress, saying that, you know, she and Dante had an affair here in 1960.

Huh?

Oh, boy. Hey, James, we have nothing to worry about now. We have the word of an

ex -mistress.

Between Dante's flagrant infidelity and the Dior look, we're saved.

And as for you, you will never be deported. You want to know why?

Because Daddy knows where your license is.

Yeah. It's in a file cabinet under P's for footy tag.

Oh, Jack, I'm so tired. It's almost midnight.

I know.

Hearing as tomorrow, we have nothing.

Oh, my God, look what I just found.

You kept this?

This is from Vermont, right? We went up there to see the leaves change.

We saved that little bit in breakfast.

Oh, yeah.

We got split as an ass in that sauna.

Well, we got that second night free. Yeah, I love that place.

You know, we said we were going to go back there next year.

Oh, gee, what if there isn't a next year?

Jack, are you worried?

Don't you be worried, because I'm not going to be worried if you're not going

be worried. No, I'm not worried.

No way anybody's going to take you away from me, huh?

But just in case, how many times a day did you say you fed James?

Because he told me you feed him four times. I don't think that's right.

Wait, wait one second.

We have nothing to worry about.

The best lawyer. We've done all of our homework.

Excuse me.

What the hell are all these?

These are documents for the Shostakovich family.

Dana, do you have your documents?

It'll be fine. It's fine.

Don't worry.

Hey, guys.

Oh, hell, I'm so glad you're here. Jack was starting to get worried.

I keep telling you guys, you've got nothing to worry about.

You did pack, didn't you?

No, I'm just kidding.

Come on, you're an American.

You'll be out of here in no time.

Next Fourth of July, you can light up a firecracker and blow off a finger like

everybody else.

Are you sure everything's going to be okay?

Dana, believe me, huh?

I've handled a thousand cases like this. It'll be fine.

Besides, let the judge beat me to golf this morning, huh?

Sit tight.

Wait till your case is called, huh?

Adult game better not be in your bill.

I'll pay it and be glad I could afford it. Not like these poor people.

You have any idea what this is costing the United States government, huh?

The judges, the clerks, the paperwork.

I mean, the plane fare to send these people back to wherever they came from.

I mean, illegal immigration is bankrupting us in more ways than one.

And you know who has to pay for it, huh? Jack Stein.

That's it.

Just keep your voice down, huh?

They'll leave people home with just a big waste of money.

I mean, all they're going to do is turn around and try to come back in because

when push comes to shove, people follow only one law, the biological instinct to

survive. Dana, do not use the biological imperative argument now after I've

tried it many times in a feeble attempt to have sex.

Hi, how are you?

Excuse me for staring, but I was just noticing your jacket.

Oh, thank you. I got it on sale.

I made it, you know.

Yes, this is my stitching.

You see that?

Ah, yes.

I took extra care to double knot the thread at all the stress points.

This is a good jacket.

But that tie, what were you thinking?

Hi, I'm Jack Stein.

Ernesto Rodriguez.

My wife, Rosa, and our children, Elena, Miriam, and Jorge.

How long have you been in this country?

Twelve years.

All that time I worked as a nanny for a woman judge.

And then last month she got put on the short list of nominees for a cabinet

post.

That's it? I mean, they're going to kick you out?

Now everyone knows.

So Rosa and I must be made an example of.

I'm sure they're going to deport us, but the children, they were born here.

They're U .S. citizens, so they can stay with my cousin.

Rodriguez?

Wait a minute.

You're going to go and... And leave your children?

How can you do that?

It's the most difficult thing we've ever had to do.

But we would rather they live in a place where at least they have a chance for a

future.

Instead of a place where they're sure to have none. We have to go.

Hey, listen now.

Good luck.

Yes, good luck.

It was nice to meet you.

And please, it's time to spring for dry cleaning.

Believe it, a whole family just torn apart, maybe forever.

I mean, really, is that necessary?

Yeah, Dana, I think it is.

The United States just can't continue to be sentimental about this problem.

We're going broke.

It can't be the world's hospital anymore.

I don't know what I would do if I thought I wasn't going to see you again.

Oh, you will.

Because I'm white.

In a society that discriminates against color. I'm middle class in a society

where money talks.

I got all that going for me.

That's why, fair or not, for better or worse, they won't deport me.

I still can't believe it.

I can't believe I'm deported and the Rodriguez's got off.

We stood in the courtroom and talked for 15 minutes about how unfair it was for

people like you to get special treatment.

You were brilliant.

Surprised you didn't sentence yourself to death.

Look, I'm sorry. I'm just upset.

What kind of system is this anyway? It just kicks a person out of the country.

Well, look, there's nothing we can do about it now. Let's not spend our last

minutes together arguing. Wait a minute. We can do something.

I saw it on Matlock.

We just find some dead guy.

We use his social security number.

I'm going to go nose around the morgue. Now, you wait here. I mean, look, if you

miss your plane, does it matter? What are they going to do, deport you? Oh,

Jeff, you're talking crazy. I mean, I'm not going to be calling now. long. I

mean, all I have to do is go to my father's apartment in Rome, get the key

the safe deposit box, get all the paperwork, and I'm legal. That's what

said. Hal?

Hal? He's going to have to answer to me.

I'm going to be all over him like hot coffee and an old lady at McDonald's.

I think we've got to change the bed appointment next Tuesday, 4 o 'clock.

is this?

It's a file of facts. I thought maybe I should get a little more organized.

And you saw where I left the money for the utility bill?

And, uh...

Oh, listen, I think I might be a little overdrawn. The deposit slips are in this

little red drawer. Oh, for God's sakes.

5403 for Roe is now boarding.

Where's my ticket? Where's my ticket?

Okay.

You gonna be all right?

Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna be fine. Okay.

Okay, I better go.

Dana, Dana, wait a minute. Yeah?

That's what I want to ask you.

I mean, this is going to sound kind of stupid.

You're coming back, aren't you?

Of course I am.

Because, you know, once you get over there to Italy, I know how much you'll

it. Oh, honey.

Here. I want you to hang on to this for a minute. What is it?

It's my favorite chopping knife.

Ever since I've been a chef, I have never gone anywhere ever without it

now. I can't believe I'm in love with someone who's going to actually go

a metal detector with a big knife.

Yeah, I'll take care of it.

I better go.

Oh, Dana.

Goodbye. Oh, Dana, wait a minute. I didn't kiss you goodbye.

I'm sorry, sir. You can't go through there without a ticket.

No, no, she's leaving. I don't know when she's coming back.

Sorry, sir, but those are the rules.

Rules? Rules?

This country is nothing but rules.

And no damn rule is going to stop me from kissing the woman I love goodbye.

say can you