Original subtitles

Here, please, Abe.

Oh, my, look what Ray has here, Abe.

I would say it's smart for the day, but also works for an evening affair.

Yeah, but I gotta have a big one to hold all my makeup and whatnot.

Right, Ray, as a friend, can I give you a little advice? You're really not

supposed to go for the purse right away. You're supposed to get one of those

oversized appointment books that looks like a purse, and then...

Then when the time feels right and you have the shoes to go with it, you go for

the real thing.

All right, for your information, I found this purse yesterday in one of the

dumpsters along my route.

It may be the luckiest thing that ever happened to me.

When I called up the owner to tell her I found it, boy, did we hit it off.

We talked for two hours.

I missed the whole Torval and Dean holiday on ice special. Didn't even

Wow,

Ray, that's great. I hope you ask her out because, you know, these things are

never accidental.

I mean, you know, what are the chances of someone finding a purse in a

Okay, you're a garbage man, but still.

I always think these things are just meant to be.

Really? That's good, because I'm going out with her tonight.

All right!

What's going on? I'm sensing something's brewing.

Ray's carrying a purse that could go in a lot of different directions.

Ray found it in a dumpster, and now he and the owner are going out on a date.

Well, it's not really a date. I mean, Kim, well, that's the girl's name.

Well, she wanted to pay me a reward, and I wouldn't take it. So she has to take

me out to dinner.

I'm sure it's just out of gratitude.

Oh, so what? The situation is still good to make a good impression. Now, look,

this is what you do, Ray. You just order a salad or an appetizer. You don't want

to seem like a big eater. Oh, God.

I'm sorry. I forgot.

You're a man.

The purse, it just threw me a little bit. Order whatever you want.

Okay, come on, cough it up. Show us a driver's license. I am dying to see the

kind of woman that rings Ray Litvak's chimes. I told you, Jack, the purse was

stolen. The thieves took her wallet with her ID and everything.

Besides, she's going to be here any minute. You can see her in the flesh.

Wait a minute, you have no idea what the woman looks like? It's a blind date?

What, are you crazy?

Jack, why is it so important what the woman looks like? Because we're men.

And don't fight it, it's biological.

Scientists now know that men are attracted to good -looking women in

us to assure the propagation of our species.

Oh, I see.

It's scientific.

So when a man is slobbering all over Claudia Schiffer, it's a selfless act

for the good of all mankind.

Well, we do what we can.

Come on, are you sure there's not a picture of her in that entire purse?

I don't know, Jack, really. I mean, I didn't look through it.

Well, other than to find a credit card receipt with her phone number on it, but

that's it. Wait a minute.

Are you telling me you didn't go through the woman's purse?

This is like an artifact that you would find at an archaeological dig.

I mean, they piece together entire civilizations with less information than

this. In this bag, there are hundreds of little clues as to how women actually

think. Hey, honey, here's an idea. Now, I know this sounds insane, but I'm just

going to throw it out there anyway. If you're really interested in how women

think... Wanted to listen to us when we talk. I mean, you know, in real time...

Yeah, Jack, you know, I can't just rummage through a woman's purse. It just

doesn't feel right. Good for you, Ray.

And besides, you can find out all you need to know without even looking

Look, it's a very nice, neutral color.

It's conservative without being stuffy.

Jack, I'm looking for a bag just like this.

I wonder if it has an inside pocket, which it does!

Come on, Nadine, you're peeking. I'm not peeking. I'm not peeking. I'm just

supposed to do this double stitching, which it does. Oh, look at this. It's

-painted. Oh, yeah. Let me see. Oh, the workmanship is wonderful.

Oh, look at this. Something just fell out.

Oh, it's a sales receipt for a Donna Karan jacket from Saks.

On sale for $150.

Oh, Ray, this woman is a wonderful shop. Wait for me. Wait for me. Come on. We

should be above this. Wait a minute. Would you look for a picture, please? I

don't believe this. What kind of woman walks around with no picture of herself?

An ugly one.

Okay, I've got a checkbook here. This is interesting. The printing is neat. The

balance is too. The penny, organized, thrifty. I'll bet she's the secretary,

barely scraping by.

Oh, I don't think so, Nadine.

Chanel number five, very sophisticated.

Oh, yeah. Oh, frosted lipstick.

Yeah.

Oh, stand back. Wait a minute. I've hit pay dirt. Guess what I have here. Hey,

come on. That's her journal. There's some very private things in there. Wait

minute, my friend. How would you know that's her journal if you never, ever

opened her purse?

All right. I might have glanced at it.

But I had to. I thought maybe her phone number would be in there. Oh, yeah,

right. Dear diary, mother called me today at 555 -2185.

All right. Come on. Just give it to me. I'm serious.

I'm a rat.

When you renew your driver's license, they let you look at the manual, don't

they? Look, you owe it to yourself to go into this exam totally prepared.

Come on.

Well, one little scan wouldn't hurt, huh? No.

I'd like to impress her.

Could use a little insight into her personality, huh?

Okay, here I go.

Quiet, please.

Treated Granny Taylor to lunch today.

Did you hear that?

She's good to her grandmother. I mean, we got a lot in common already.

No, this isn't right. No, come on. Come on. Let's go.

All right.

Let's see here.

Oh, here's something.

Had a date with Phil last night.

Phil.

Afterwards, we went back to my place.

Heads up. Here we go.

Phil wanted to have sex on the first date, and I said... Yeah, yeah.

No. Oh, man.

Wait, quiet. There's more. I feel it's too soon for that.

Am I the only one who thinks like that anymore?

No, no, I'm here for you, Kim.

You hear that? Kim's got morals and standards.

Here I am reading her diary.

Excuse me, I'm looking for a Ray Litback. He told me to meet him here.

Oh.

Are you the lady with the purse?

Oh.

You're the lady with the purse.

Yes, I am.

Yeah. This is Kim. She's the lady with the purse.

Oh, Ray, it's so great to finally meet you in person. You know, when you talk

someone on the phone for that length of time, you picture them, and you look a

lot like I pictured you.

I do?

Well, you do, too.

I mean, you look exactly, well, like a Kim, you know.

Here, let me introduce you to some of my friends here. This is Meg Tynan, Nadine

Berkus. Dana Palladino, Abe Johnson, and Jack Stein.

Hi. I'm just so grateful to Ray. I mean, there aren't that many people who are

willing to go out of their way for someone. I mean, I'll probably never get

money back, but that's not important. It's just that I keep my journal in

and if any strangers ever read that... Oh, yeah.

Boy,

that'd be a nightmare, wouldn't it? Having your whole personal life just

out there to be read by some weirdos.

Boy, you know, I'm really hungry. Should we go now? Oh, sure.

He wouldn't accept a reward from me, so dinner's the least I could do.

It was a great meeting, all of you.

Well.

Well, well.

Oh, she seemed very nice. Very nice.

And very attractive.

Very attractive.

Friendly and well -adjusted for my taste, but, you know, nobody's perfect.

Excuse me, folks, but isn't anyone going to say it?

She's black.

Oh, really?

I forgot to offer her the discount.

I am not saying interracial relationships are a bad thing.

All I'm saying is that there are differences between the two people, and

can make for rough going.

And all I'm saying is Ray's a man, Kim's a woman, love is colorblind, fate is

all powerful, end of story.

Well, do you mind if I get a second opinion?

Abe may be able to shed some light on this, because in case you haven't

he's black. Yes, I am.

And speaking for black people everywhere, you owe us two bucks.

Abe, I know you have an opinion on this. Have you ever been out with someone?

Oh, yeah, once years ago, and I got to say, I agree with Jack. It does make a

difference. There you go. The man is not afraid to face an issue head on. So

what happened?

Well, she loved Bean Crosby and Andy Griffith reruns.

I don't even want to know what happened to black people in that town.

6 -1 -10, Bulls 1 -0 -5.

So, where's Ray? I rushed back here to get the blow -by -blow of the big date.

Man, what the hell are you doing? This is a restaurant. We serve food here.

I don't like Chinese, okay?

Give me a break. I spent enough money in this joint. I should be able to eat

what I want. Got any soy sauce?

Beer, please.

Hey, Ray.

What's going on?

This is one of the worst nights of my entire life.

I found something out about Ray Litback tonight.

He's dark, ugly, and shameful.

Oh, Ray.

Did you order two desserts?

Yeah, but that's not it.

I found out tonight that I'm a racist.

Oh, what are you talking about?

The whole time I was out with Kim, the only thing I could think about was the

fact that she was black.

I mean, she's talking and I'm sitting there smiling and nodding and thinking,

you're black.

Is this table okay? You're black.

This cake is good. You're black.

This pie is good. You're black. I mean, you see what I'm going through? Ray,

Ray, Ray, will you snap out of this? Look, I have known you for years. You

not a racist. Abe, help me out on this. Come on.

Look, you're just being hypersensitive to a very, very complicated situation,

right? Yeah, right. Look, you may be the whitest gal on the face of the earth,

but you're probably not a racist.

Just to be sure, though, I'm going to give you a little test.

or have you ever been a branch manager at Denny's?

No. Oh, see, now we're off to a good start.

If you were invited to play golf at a segregated club, would you go?

Of course not. And see, that's the difference between you and half a

congressman.

All right, now here's the final question.

Who played Goober on the Andy Griffith show?

George Goober Lindsay.

Oh, I'm going to have to deduct a point for that, Ray.

But look, you're not a racist. You've just got too much time on your hands.

There you go, Ray. You got a clean record.

Why don't you ask her out again? See where it takes you.

Actually, she already asked me out on another date.

It just shows you how great she is.

She was willing to overlook my behavior.

How do I know I'm going to be able to act any different?

Oh, come on, Ray. The fact is, no matter who you date, there are always going to

be differences. Take me and Jack. Now, we come from different religious

backgrounds. Now, with the holidays coming up, you know, we're going to have

make some compromises. But we will make them, and it'll be fine.

Compromises?

What compromises?

Well,

you know, I'd like you to come to Midnight Mass with me on Christmas Eve.

What if a rabbi happens to walk by the church and, you know, sees me going

inside?

Hell, I think the punishment for that is recircumcision.

Well, in that case, how come I had to settle for eight dinky presents when I

could have gotten one good big one?

But, Dana, you needed socks and a deck of cards.

Now, you see, Ray, I know that it looks like we're having a big fight and that

the relationship is doomed, but... When you love someone, you just work it out.

We did have that great phone conversation.

She is pretty.

Women like Kim don't come around every day.

Well, women don't come around every day.

You're right.

I'm going to give it another shot.

Here, please, Abe.

What the hell are you depressed about now?

Well, you guys were right.

I'm not a racist.

I got a new problem.

I can't stand her.

She never stops talking.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, all night long.

I asked her one question, just one. Do you go to the theater a lot? Well, it

turns out she acted back in junior high.

She proceeds to tell me all about her drama teacher, Mrs.

Pincus, who directed the seventh grade production of Guys and Dolls.

They used to call her Pinky, but she didn't like that, so they stopped.

It took her two hours to describe a play that's only an hour and a half long.

And she was just the second hotbox dancer from the left. I mean, if she had

lines, I'd still be out there.

My God, it was the longest night of my entire life.

Oh, man, there's nothing worse than a woman who talks too much. That's right.

Oh, that is so typical.

When a guy tells a long story, he's a raconteur. But if a woman does it, she's

blabbermouth. Well put, Dan, and very concise.

Look, at least you found out. It's over. And you can go out and you can find the

real love of your life.

Well, not actually.

I'm supposed to go out with her again tonight.

Why, Ray?

Well, she was just rattling on about her doorman's daughter's new braces.

And, well, I guess somewhere she brought up the idea of another date. And I was

just nodding there mindlessly. So, I don't know.

By the time I realized what I had said yes to, it was too late to back out.

I thought if I did, she'd think I was a racist.

Oh, but who cares?

Racism is one thing. A flapping mouth is in a category all by itself. That's

right. Man, I gotta find a way out of it.

Ray, if you're really sure that this is going nowhere, why don't you just make

the best of a bad situation? Be honest. Just tell her the truth.

Oh, please. You can't tell women the truth. Then they turn around and tell

the truth, and then you can never again look at yourself in the mirror naked.

I'll tell you what you do.

Get her to break up with you by behaving like an idiot.

Yeah.

Here's what you do.

You show up for the date at least 45 minutes late, then you give us a lame

excuse. Oh, that's it. That's exactly what you do.

Then all night long, look at other women. Oh, they hate that. Oh, please,

And of course, somewhere during the evening, just bring up that maybe she's

on a few pounds. Oh, yeah.

You see, this is the beauty of the sperm bank.

Ray, listen to me. Don't lie.

Never lie. It is always the wrong thing to do. Do what I do. Which is? Just

don't show up for the date. All right, all right, all right. If you have a weak

stomach, there are other options. When you go out to dinner, you say, Oh, Kim,

I'll park the car. Why don't you go grab a table? And then you drive away.

What?

Or, if you're taking the subway, you let her get out first, and then, at the

last second, pretend to see somebody you know, hop back in, boom, the door's

closed, you're safely trapped inside.

Now, if you're taking a bus... I'm appalled by this.

Ray,

Ray, dear, one way or another, you gotta take care of this right now. You take

it from me. Well, you're right. I mean, I can't let this go on.

I can do this.

I'll break up with her tonight.

Good.

Anybody want to come with me?

But it was the year that she put on both Brigadoon and Bye Bye Birdie that

really made her shine in my eyes. And to this day, Mrs. Pink, it's still one of

the best teachers I've ever had, including the ones at Summer Math Camp.

that's the calculus, Summer, not the trig.

Although, now that I think about it, that's a real trig.

Right?

Come on.

Anyway, Pinky was amazing. I mean, she attacked life with this incredible

enthusiasm, you know, and that's what she taught all of us.

Well, Here we are.

I want you to know I had a really nice time tonight.

Aside from the subway thing, of course.

I just don't know how we got separated like that.

Lucky thing for you, though. I caught the conductor in time.

Do you know her?

Who? That woman.

Nope. Never seen her before.

Oh.

Ray, have you ever thought about getting glasses? That happens to you a lot.

No, I...

I don't need glasses. I see perfectly fine.

Which reminds me, I've been meaning to point out, have you put on a couple

pounds?

Oh, I'm so glad you noticed. I thought I was getting too thin.

You see, now that's what I like about you, Ray. You're so observant and such a

good listener.

on this diet where you eat only two meals a day and one of them has to be

carbohydrates and low fat and I thought, well, that doesn't make very much

sense, but I'll try it anyway because I've been reading a lot about food

combining and, oh, that's a fascinating subject.

Oh, did I tell you about the book I was reading? Kim, Kim, Kim.

Can I be honest with you?

Sure.

I wasn't an hour late for our date tonight because I was practicing at the

shooting range to go deer hunting in the morning.

You see, you know, we've gone out a couple times now and...

Well, you know, every time that we've gone out... Sometimes you talk too much.

Beard, please. Oh, what's the matter with you? Ray, you didn't break up with

her, did you? No, I didn't.

Actually, the situation has gotten even worse.

Well, how could that be?

Next Tuesday, we're going to the Bahamas.

Oh, my God.

I mean, why can't I just say this isn't working out?

I know why. Because I can't get a word in edgewise.

Oh, my God. What am I going to do?

Look, Ray, whatever you do, you cannot get on that plane. I mean, other than

frequent flyer miles, I just don't see any upside.

Oh, three nuts.

that I feel honesty is the best policy when it comes to resolving relationship

problems. Well, forget that crap. You're in big, big trouble.

Sometimes the best approach is to be more aggressive, you know? Like call up

your favorite DJ, have them dedicate a song to her. Now, I myself have had a

of luck driving away boyfriends with a song, I'm Having Your Baby.

But we're going to have to find something especially for you. Maybe I

being a girl.

It would be a major disaster if I let this go on any longer.

I know exactly what I have to do.

I've just got to gather up the courage and do it.

And I will.

There's no way I'm getting on that plane.

Beer, please, Sturtis.

Isn't this exciting?

They're going to be showing Indecent Proposal. I just love that movie.

It's about this young couple, Demi Moore and Woody Harrelson, and they're really

struggling for money. And then one day, Robert Redford shows up out of the blue

when Demi's trying on this really slinky dress and offers her a million... to

have sex with him for one night. Yeah, I saw the movie.

I did. Oh.

So then you remember the part where Demi's lying naked in all those $100

Kim, look, we got to talk.

I mean, we have a really big problem.

I know I should have said something sooner, but this isn't working out.

Oh.

I'm so glad you said something. I've been thinking the same thing.

Really? It's just that we're so different. I mean, we're like worlds

I haven't been able to be myself. I'm so anxious. I'm talking a mile a minute.

Oh, gee, I didn't even notice.

Boy, Kim, I'm glad I brought this up.

I was kind of anxious about our differences at first.

But, you know, now that we got it out in the open, we can try to resolve this.

I don't think that's possible, Ray.

Well, maybe some of it's my fault.

Maybe I've been too quiet.

I don't think I've said two words the whole time I've been around you. Well,

actually, you did.

Two words.

And they've been ringing in my ears for the last week.

Oh, geez.

What'd I say?

Remember when I told you that I was getting my MBA at night, and then I

you what you wanted to do with your life when you were through being a garbage

man? Yeah, sure.

I guess I just never expected to hear the word head.

Garbage man.

That's because I never said that.

Oh, you had me worried there for a second, Kim.

There's no such thing as a head garbage man.

I mean, that's ridiculous.

Oh, really? I was positive that's what you said.

I said shift foreman.

I guess that's what I mean when I say we're from different worlds.

Oh, no, no, no. You don't understand. I mean, it's like $5 more an hour.

Fuck, three personal days?

Of course, I'd have to wear a tie.

Ray, look, this is very hard for me to tell you, and I hope this doesn't sound

like I'm a snob or anything, but I pictured the person I'd fall in love

someday to be sitting with me in our condo on Park Avenue, plotting the next

takeover of some major corporation, and then driving up to our house in

Connecticut in the Range Rover, singing along to Bing Crosby's Christmas album

on the CD.

You mean that's it?

You mean it's over between us?

You're breaking it off?

Well, I mean, we can still go on our trip and have fun together.

Well, you're making a big mistake.

I mean, waste management is a growing industry.

I'm sorry, but I'm really hoping we can be good friends, though. Friends?

I mean, you don't think it could develop into something more?

No. But I'm already feeling so... much better being honest, really. It's the

best way.

Ray?

Ray, are you okay?

Hello, this is your captain. We have encountered an unexpected headwind, so

settle in. We're going to be here for a while.

Oh, Ray, I had this dream last night, and it was so vivid. I remembered every

detail.

A 727 like this was a 777.

Are you listening to me?

I tell you something else about myself. I only wear natural facts.

Cotton, silk, or wool. And it's got to be 100%. Otherwise, I break into a rash.

And that goes for my sheets and pillow covers, too. In fact, when I travel, I

have to bring my own linens. You'll see when we get there. And it's really

embarrassing because when you leave, someone might think you're stealing the

sheets and charge it to your bill.

Ray, don't you think you've had enough to drink?