Original subtitles

Can you wait a few minutes, honey?

The pilot just passed out at the wheel. I got to land at 747.

What is this?

It's a nipple.

You'll also find one on the other side.

No, no, I mean this little lump right here under your left nipple.

Do you feel that?

Ow!

There was definitely something there, and it feels hard.

Lie flat.

Why? What are you going to do? I'm going to show you how to give yourself a

breast exam.

Okay, take your top off. I'm watching.

My bad. This is easy. Just put your left arm over your head.

All right, all right. Now, you take your hands and you do only the tips of your

fingers, working in a circular motion, working towards the center, trying to be

aware if you feel anything at all unusual.

but I'm finding myself strangely aroused.

Okay, your turn. Flip over. Let's go.

Come on. Come on. Do not change the subject. I want you to promise me that

you'll go to the doctor tomorrow and have your breasts looked at.

Men don't have breasts. We have pecs, except for those retired football

and then I've seen a few C -cups there. Here.

Okay. Promise me you'll go. Will you go?

Why don't we play doctor, huh?

I have an excellent bedside manner, and I validate parking.

Promise me you'll go.

Okay, okay, I promise.

Okay. Now I can sleep.

What just happened here?

Hey, everybody.

Hey. Have a beer, please, Abe.

Don't worry this morning, Jack.

We missed it, the editorial meeting.

I, uh, had, uh... I went to the track. Oh, yeah? How'd you do? I did fine.

Just fine. Yeah.

Hi, Jack.

Tried to call you at the office.

I was out, but I'm back now.

Uh, could I see in the kitchen for a minute about the, uh, you know?

Dana, there's no need. The, uh, you know is, uh, okay.

So you went to see the person?

Yeah, saw the person. Very nice person.

And everything is okay?

Hey.

Will someone please tell me what's going on?

Sorry about that.

Actually, it's kind of a funny story. It's just that last night I found this

little lump on Jack.

Won't tell you how.

Anyway, I was concerned, and I made Jack promise that he would go and have it

looked at today, and I guess I just overreacted because everything's okay,

right, honey? Probably. But, you know, I think it's always better to be safe

than sorry. What do you mean, probably?

Well, I have to go back.

What do you mean you have to go back? I thought you said everything was okay.

You know, this sounds pretty private.

Continue.

Well, the doctor just wants me to have a procedure. Oh, God, a procedure?

Wait, wait, wait, don't worry. The doctor has assured me that there's a

than 1 % chance that it's nothing more than a common lipoma. Oh, God, a lipoma?

It's nothing.

Oh, it's nothing like Dr.

Spaniel gets lipomas.

There just was a fatty tissue.

Of course, he is 110 years old. He's blind in one eye and fully castrated.

I feel kind of foolish standing at the front door calling, you're lucky.

Jack, tell me something. What kind of procedure are they planning to do?

It's no big deal. You know, it's like an x -ray type of thing.

Oh. Oh, right. A mammogram.

A mammogram?

You mean like a girl? All right.

You see what you've started? Can we please change the subject? Can we move

from my chestal area?

Jack, nobody is implying that you have breasts like a woman. That would be

absurd. Of course, there is something about you and a tight sweater.

You know, there is a dark side to you, Nadine. Very dark.

Men do not have breasts.

We have pecs. Right, men?

Absolutely.

So, where do you have to go to have this peco -gram or whatever you want?

I don't even remember.

You know, somewhere around 71st and Lexington.

The Women's Clinic of New York?

Ouch.

What are you going to wear?

Man, this is a nightmare.

Hold it right there, lunch meat.

Sit there, drop the heater, and let the girl go.

Doesn't matter who I am, but I'll tell you anyway, I'm the street sweeper,

And yet I've got a gum that's been stinking up this house.

It's for my new television pilot.

Now, a dialogue like that doesn't come along very often. That's why I grab it.

So, who died?

Jack found a lump in his chest, and now he's got to go in for a mammogram. Who

are you, the town crier?

Jack.

Is that all?

Listen, lumps in the male breast are uncommon, but it's usually nothing.

I know I'm going to hate myself for asking this, but how would you know?

I have done extensive research.

I was a transient gynecologist on an episode of Systems.

It was sweeps month, and all four of those gals had to have mammograms.

I was hoping to be a series regular, until Swoosie Kurtz shot me in the groin

before I could tell her she was okay.

That's what I call monthly TV.

Of course, if it is something, Jack, it's ten times deadlier in men because

that much farther along by the time they find it.

Oh, my God, is that it? Cut it out!

Can we stop talking about this, please?

Look, I am not the least bit worried, okay?

I mean, come on. What's a little lump? Everybody gets lumps.

Absolutely. My mother had a cyst on her ovary the size of a lemon. Had it

removed, no problem.

That's right. My dad had this thing on his heel the size of a baseball.

A little minor surgery and it was gone.

Why is it women always compare their lumps to fruit while men compare theirs

sports equipment?

I guess this is the wrong time to bring up my watermelon story.

Jack, let me ask you something. Since you're traveling into uncharted

here, would it make you feel better if I go to the clinic with you?

Thanks, son, but I'm a big boy.

I'm going in for simple tests. It'll be quick, painless, and in business as

usual.

Well, of course. I don't know what I was thinking. I mean, a mammogram is

nothing to be afraid of. Why, nothing, why...

It's almost fun, isn't it, Nadine?

Uh -oh, you're in trouble, man.

It's an x -ray, right? I mean, x -rays don't hurt. No, no, no, of course not.

Listen, this is all it is. You go into a room, and they have a machine in there,

and it has a plexiglass shelf. And then they place your peck on the shelf,

and then they press a button, and another shelf.

Comes down and, well, I guess you say squashes the pet. No, no, no, no, no.

Flattens, crushes.

Oh, my God.

What does that feel like? Does it hurt?

Let me put it to you this way, Jack.

When you go home tonight, drop your pants, lay your penis on the table, and

drop the entire World Book Encyclopedia on it.

I'd add a check for $150.

I'll pick you up at 1 .30.

Oh, this is great.

All these women are looking at me.

Nobody is looking at you, Jack.

These women are a lot more concerned about themselves right now than they are

about you.

Read a magazine.

Oh, the new women's day.

Good thing I don't have this issue.

I like an article on Kathy Lee Gifford.

Look how big that coat he's getting, huh?

We ought to subscribe to this.

How to spot the office bulimic.

Very bad.

What are you doing?

Selling out your form. What sort of health insurance do you have?

Oh, please, I can do that.

Yeah, let's see.

When was the date of my last period?

Have I had a breast implant, and if so, when?

Well, there's got to be a section for men.

Oh, yeah, here it is.

Spouse's phone number.

All right, so we're not as involved as we should be.

Oh, I didn't think I'd be this nervous.

Let's do a little relaxation.

Close your eyes.

Relax your body.

Take a slow, deep breath.

Picture yourself someplace secure, safe, tranquil.

Feel your body just let go of all its fear and stress.

And in its place, a wonderful sense of calm.

That lamp's in the wrong place.

For God's sake. I'm sorry it's bothering me there.

That's better. Now, where were we?

So, got a lump?

Yeah, she's sitting over there.

Let her drag me here.

Could it be because I might have cancer?

She doesn't have cancer.

She gets these fibroids every five minutes and it's always nothing.

I have good reason to worry. They pulled a thing out of my mother the size of a

grapefruit. It's no bigger than a golf ball.

Mrs. Stein? Game time.

make you feel more comfortable.

Jack, I'll be right here when you get back, okay?

Oh, God.

We all know that women are stronger than men.

We endure the pain of childbirth. We're forced to dance backward. We suffer

small talk during pelvic exam.

Why can I not handle it, not knowing if you're gonna be okay?

You know what?

That lamp does look better over there.

Is that painting hung straight?

Whoa.

Would you two care to be alone? I could come back later.

No, I... It's fine. There you go.

But tell me, you know where you can buy those? Because I have a lot of friends

that are hard to shop for.

Yeah.

Mr.

Stein, you want to step over to the other side of the machine for me?

So, you get a lot of men coming through here? Nope, you're my first.

That's not the answer I was hoping for.

You shouldn't be any more difficult than any small -breasted woman.

I've been waiting my whole life to hear that.

Okay, I need you to stand on that tape mark right there for me and take off

gown, please.

What, no dinner and a movie first?

It's a joke, see?

See, I'm pitching, but you're not catching it.

All right, look, look, it's a first for me. I'm a little nervous, and this baby

doesn't exactly have the best word of mouth.

Well, don't worry. This will all be over shortly.

Now, would you take off your gown, please?

Slowly.

Just kidding.

What I'm going to do now, Mr. Stein, is get the bottom plate into position.

Meanwhile, you might want to gather up whatever it is you have there and get

ready.

I think you missed my floor.

Sorry. Oh, by the way, this might be a little cold.

I'm going to bring the top plate down now. This might be a little bit

uncomfortable. Ah, there's that word.

Last time I heard that, I was bent over and hearing the snap of a rubber glove.

Well, time out, time out. You know, this just doesn't seem right. I mean,

there's got to be a better way.

Maybe I'll just come back when medical science finds it, okay?

Dolores, we got a runner.

Go ahead.

Call in your muscles. But there's nobody here who can force me to have a test

that I don't want to have.

Can we make this quick? I've got a very testy lady in stareps back there.

What's the problem? The machine scares him.

Now, wait.

That's not what I said.

I was just trying to make a point to Stalin here that, well, I didn't have to

have a test if I didn't want to. But now I want to. All right.

Come over here to the machine with me.

We'll do this together.

You know, I'm a newspaper reporter. It's challenging, sometimes dangerous work,

and I wish I could get to the gym more.

There is nothing there.

Tell me about it. I'm stumped.

Hey, what's the holdup? We got them stacked up out there. Mr. Stein won't

on the plate. Oh, he's no problem. Come here and let's see what you got.

Left or right? Left.

Too bad, because you're bigger on the right.

Ow, watch it. What's the matter? I'm a little sensitive. I'm just testing for

elasticity.

Come here, girls. I want to show you something.

You see?

Now that's an ample -bosomed man.

You don't know how easy you got it. Go on, feel that.

Hey, hey, hey!

I am not your plaything.

I'm going to give this one last shot. You better have plenty of film in that

thing, because I'm only doing this once.

Anything a girl can do, I can do better.

Oh,

don't be such a baby.

Here you go, Mr. Stein. You can wait in here while your films are developed.

Then the doctor will see you.

It was a bitch, wasn't it?

Not really.

I could barely fit in that thing. How about you?

Mr. Stein, it's over now.

While you all are waiting for your pictures, you might be interested in

this video.

What is it, Sleepless in Seattle?

Don, I realize that you're out of your element.

We don't have any beer in our fridge and our food ball table's out of order.

But try to relax.

Hello and welcome.

Breath examination need not be a chore.

For the next hour, our models will demonstrate a technique that has saved

lives of thousands of women the world over.

Wow. I can't believe this is free.

Hi. Dana.

Oh.

How'd it go?

Well, not exactly as you women described it.

I know.

We should have told you to put the encyclopedias in the refrigerator first.

So, how long do you have to wait for your results?

Yeah, just a few minutes.

Yeah, that's the hard part.

You come in for a routine exam and, you know, then you have to wait.

That's the longest five minutes.

And you're wondering if you're going to happily go on your way and go off to the

big semi -annual shoe sale at Saks or... It'd be awfully nice if they found a

cure, wouldn't it?

You put some of those chubby Republican boys in that machine, you see how fast

those federal dollars start flowing.

Jack, don't even think like that.

I can't help it. My whole life could change in the next few minutes. Mine,

What am I worried about?

The odds are overwhelmingly in my favor, right?

Right.

Early detection.

Well, I'll tell you one thing.

The minute I get out of here, I'm going to start doing all those things I always

wanted to do.

Yeah, like what?

Well, I always wanted to...

Throw out the opening ball at a Mets game.

You think that could happen? Why not?

I always wanted to finish my novel.

You're writing a novel?

Start my novel.

What's it about?

Find a subject for my novel.

See, I can't die now. I got too much to do.

Mr. Stein, the doctor's ready for you.

You want to move in together.

Okay.

Good.

Good.

He'll be fine.

I know.

It's his first.

I had a scare myself just last September.

They took a lump out of me the size of a kumquat.

Now I have a mammogram once a year like clockwork.

Good for you.

And I wouldn't have caught it at all if I hadn't been flipping through the

channels on a Saturday evening and happened on this very touching episode

Sisters.

So, uh, tell me.

When was your last mammogram?

Me?

Um... Well... You know, I spend a lot of time out of the country, and, you know,

it's hard to get away from work, and... It's Jack.

I'll make an appointment on my way out.

Would you help me move this couch? Never mind.

Going a little crazy here.

Hey, I'm allowed.

First time in my life I'm in a relationship with somebody that I feel

could really spend the rest of my life with, and now I don't know if I'll be

able to.

But maybe I don't deserve it. Maybe I'm being punished for the time I put the

Mr. Bubble in the holy water.

Do you think God likes a good prank?

Mrs. Botsworth?

Good luck.

Clean bill of health.

Thank God.

Just a common little cyst the size of a BB.

Did he have any idea what caused it? I mean, it wasn't me.

I mean, I know that's irrational, but I just had to put that out there. No, no,

no. He had a theory, but it was nothing.

Really? What'd he say?

Well, something showed up in my lab work. It was slightly...

What? I couldn't hear you. A slightly what?

I have a slightly elevated estrogen level.

I appreciate it, but keep that to yourself.

Oh, of course I can understand how you wouldn't want that blasted around town.

But, you know, that might explain your mood swings.

For your information, I'm moody because of the baseball strike.

I understand.

I just hope you won't want to be borrowing my pre -pants.

Dana, you...

You know, about that thing I asked you, I kind of sprung that on. You can back

out if you want to. I know you were worried about... Jack, I'd love to live

you.

I mean, unless you've changed your mind. You don't have to go through with it. I

mean, I know sometimes people say things, and later they don't mean them.

I'm very happy.

Me too.

Hey, we just got your life back.

Let's go celebrate.

Okay.

Gee, Dana, I hope you don't mind, but I really need a little moment for myself,

huh?

Hey, hey, hey!

I am not your plaything.