Original subtitles

Abe, Abe, stop it.

Stop it. Abe, Abe, stop it. Stop it.

You're going to make me spill.

Look, look.

All the stools have to be put away. Now the painters are here and you've got to

go. Yeah, I could use a refill over here.

You're not getting this. I just let you in here out of pity.

Now pity time is over. Now go, go, go.

Oh, come on, Abe. Have a heart. You can't close a shamrock for a week. What

you supposed to do? Go home?

Call a friend and say, do you want to come over and talk?

Look, it's not my idea to shut down. It's Big Brother government throwing its

weight around.

No lead in the paint. No lead in the paint.

How many times have you come in here and licked the wall?

Okay, you can stay for one more cup.

All right. Thanks, Steve.

Okay, okay, Abe, everything is put away. Now give me my check.

No, and there better be a little padding in there for the tips I'm going to lose

this week.

My separation from Charles is already sucking me dry.

We have gone right from let's try to keep this amicable all the way to you

that Queen Anne coffee table, you'll never see your children again.

All right, every pot, pan, and tong is covered.

Oh, God, I'm so excited about this vacation. I got shots I didn't even

That sounds so incredibly romantic. A week in the Mediterranean with jazz.

There are only two places in the world I haven't been. San Simone and

Disneyland.

We're going to San Simone because the lines are shorter.

It's a great brochure, too, Dana. Look at this. They got a king, an active

volcano. Oh, and this is rare.

They've never been threatened with invasion by a U .S. president. No,

I've got a hand to see you, Dana. You really must have some stranglehold over

Jack. He hates to leave New York. I mean, he can't fall asleep at night

the comforting sound of freeze.

I know, he's not exactly a world traveler. I mean, he has sewn his

social security number into all his clothes.

But I think once he's had a little... though and done the scarf dance with the

men in the village. He won't want to come.

The brochure here seems to feature a lot of women sunbathing topless.

Can I keep this?

Hi there, boys and girls.

Great day to fly, isn't it? Cup of coffee, please.

I'm closed.

Don't you people understand that?

Why don't you just go away?

Please. Just one last cup of good old American coffee and peanuts grown right

here in the good old U .S. of A.

Better eat them now while I still can.

Pretty soon I'll be munching on praying mantises on a stick, whatever the hell

they eat in San Simone.

I had Dana this close, this close to going to Disneyland. Here you go. Here

go.

Excuse me, uh, what the hell is that?

It's my pouch.

Pouch. Jack Stein has a pouch. Pouch.

What do you keep in your pouch, Jack?

My passport, among other things. Oh, yes, I'm sure there's many things you

keep in your pouch. A comb.

Maybe an energy bar in case you were to feel faint. A condition brought about by

the constant wearing of your pouch.

Would you please knock it off?

I know San Simone is a Mediterranean island, but this is a foreign country.

Things get stolen.

Absolutely, Jack, you're right. I mean, San Simone is nothing like New York

City, where you can walk the streets freely at night without a care in the

world.

That reminds me, I have to buy a gun. Where's my check? Here, hold on.

And don't put New York down. Once I leave America, I have no rights.

I mean, they can do anything they want to me over there. We have no idea what

the caning laws are in this place.

And 10 to 1 is the favorite vacation spot for all Nazis who like to water

While we get to the hotel, they'll give us the Adolph and Ava suite.

Here's my guy.

A romantic vacation in the Mediterranean would not be complete without you.

Take a look at this pasty white skin, people. Next time you see him, he's

to have tan lines.

Or not.

You all set?

I guess I'm as ready as I will ever be.

So, where are your bags? In the stock room? I'll go get them. No, no, no.

Jack. Wait a minute. This is all I'm taking.

What do you mean?

We're going to a foreign country. We're going to be gone a whole week.

Yeah, I know.

I mean, you know, when you travel as much as I do, you know how to pack. I

everything I need in here.

Oh, jeez, my bathing suit. I forgot to pack my bathing suit.

Don't panic. We'll get one there.

Oh, right.

What are the chances we'll find one that says Camp Chick -de -Wog on the pocket?

I'm going to change him if it kills me.

Hey, hey, hey, Jack.

You sure you don't want a beer? Because the next one you drink will probably be

warm and served in a gold bladder.

Goodbye, everybody.

See you in a week. Hand rested.

And $5 ,000 in the hole.

Meg, listen to me.

If you hear that I've died in a traffic accident or something, do not accept

that as fact.

Investigate.

Meg?

Phone call.

Thanks.

Oh, fuck.

Hey, Mr. Stein, you are very good at this. Definitely.

We are most impressed.

It's nothing, really.

Who is Kaiser Wilhelm?

Oh, God,

Ted. Here you are. I've been looking all over for you. I even went down to the

donkey stable.

Did you notice if anyone's missing, this meat's a little tough.

When I stopped by the hotel gift shop and I got you a little something.

You got me a present? Oh, honey.

I thought you'd look cute in these. If you don't like it in red, it comes in

other colors.

Would you please put this away? I would never wear something like that in

public. Jack, don't be silly. All the European men wear these.

Dana, I would never wear a bathing suit that shows every detail.

Especially in Europe. How do you think it was so easy for the Nazis to spot

on the beach?

What is Charlotte's Web?

I can't believe it, Jack. This is our first... in San Simone, and you're in

watching Jeopardy.

Actually, I saw those last week in New York. They think I'm a god.

What is prophase, anaphase, metaphase, and telophase?

This is sad, Jack.

Come on, come outside with me. I want you to see how beautiful the

is in the early morning sun. The birds are singing, the breeze smells like

gardenias. And the king is parasailing in the bay.

At 400 pounds, that's sure to be quite a sight.

Honey, please, you know, you've been up since dawn, you know, getting shells off

the beach. Please hop up on this thing here and just order something to eat.

Come on. Well, maybe a little juice.

A small glass of Fidoma, please.

A small glass of what?

Fidoma. It's a native drink made out of figs and whey. They give you a free

tasting when you visit the fig groves. I thought we'd do that tomorrow.

Today I've got a great day planned.

I thought that we'd hike up to the ancient ruins and then lunch at a little

fishing village I know. And from there, I thought we'd get a guy and do a little

snorkeling out on the reef. But we have to leave really soon. Did you want to

rent motor suits?

That's a lot for one day. I mean, I'm still a little jet -lagged. I don't have

this traveling thing down like you do.

I mean, I need a day to hang out, you know, and adjust.

But, you know, you go ahead. I don't want to hold you back.

Well, if you don't feel well, I...

Guess I should stay here with you.

That'd be kind of nice.

But maybe you should just go off and have a good time, okay?

Well, okay.

I mean, I hate to spend the day separately, but we'll definitely catch

dinner. Absolutely, have fun.

By the way, how many Darshmas do you have on you?

I don't know, about 20 ,000.

You're going out with only 20 ,000 Darshmas? What are you, nuts?

It costs a million to take a cab in from the airport.

Here, I'll give you another 100 ,000.

Okay.

What is Mozart's math in C major?

Oh, my

God,

Jack, you're still in the room?

Hi, hon. How was the temple of 10 ,000 candles?

out of here in three days.

And what is this?

USA Today?

Jack Stein is reading USA Today?

Now you'll just read anything, won't you? You know, don't be so quick to put

down. I may have misjudged you. Look at this pie chart.

28 % of Americans think Donna Shalala's a line of hair care products.

Where else can you get information like this?

Why does that outfit look so familiar?

I wore it yesterday.

No, you didn't. Yes, I did. It's three pieces of fabric I tie together any way

want. I told you, I know how to travel.

For instance, today I hiked up to the top of the volcano, and then I went on

archaeological dig. Oh, really? Did you leave time to go by the palace for the

changing of the chef?

You know, Jack, some people get a little more out of the travel experience than

finding Reese's Pieces in the honor bar.

I went into the village today, and you know what I found? A B -doll. Have you

read Truman's biography?

It's riveting.

You couldn't have been gone for more than ten minutes. The sun has burnt flat

marks on your face.

Jack, come on.

Come into the town with me. Let's rent bicycles, please.

I hear there's a deli in the next town.

Dana, you know, vacations are for relaxing. I mean, you relax for running

over the place. This is how I relax. I read. I talk to people in the bar.

Journalists have a long tradition of that. I'm having a perfect time.

Well, what's the point of taking a vacation together if we're not going to

any time together?

Come on, Jack, come to the village with me. I'm dying to go to the open -air

market, but I want to go with you.

If we leave right now, we can catch that little bus that goes by the sheep farm

so you know those people live out there without any running water or

electricity. Isn't that great?

Would you just slow down for a while, please? Look, I tell you what. If you

spend a little quiet time with me here in the room, then later I will go with

you to the open -air market. Now, come on. You've been running around all day.

Come on. Come on. Get in bed.

Well... You'll enjoy this.

Okay.

I never miss a chance to lie down next to you. There you go. Oh, boy, this is

nice, huh?

Very nice.

Aren't you gonna do anything?

Maybe. Maybe not.

Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I gotta get out of here. Oh, for God's sake. Oh, no, I can't. I still like

I'll go back to work. You know what the trouble with you is? You don't know how

to relax.

The trouble with me?

I'm not the one who's parked myself in the hotel for three days.

I've been back in New York a whole year. Already I'm getting itchy. I can't live

a life where I just stay in one place all the time.

a born and bred New Yorker, which means I can have breakfast in Chinatown, lunch

in Little Italy, and dinner in Spanish Harlem. And if I need to, I can buy

-Bismol at a Korean market.

Now, you shall be a fuller life than that.

Besides, I do not think we'll be pulling our kids out of one school and flying

halfway around the world.

What's the matter with that? That's the way I was raised, in the school of life.

I don't think kids ought to be pulling up their roots.

They'll start wetting their beds.

I don't want to be sitting at some table with some toddler who looks up to me

and says, Pardon, Papa, please pass me some wine.

I love the way I grew up. I had a great childhood. Great. I have friends on

every continent. I speak four languages. And not only do I know what a bidet is,

I know how to use it without getting the ceiling wet.

I thought you liked the way I turned out.

Oh, I do.

I do very much.

Well, then don't be the boy in the bubble.

Come out with me. Come on.

Let's take a walk on the beach.

I will.

Oh, great.

Right after Truman comes home from World War I to marry Beth.

Forget it.

I don't want to ruin the book for you, Jack, but Truman died.

Hello there.

Hi.

I'm Marjorie Ellman from Massapequa, Long Island. Oh, hi.

I see you around the hotel newsstand every morning.

I don't know why they can't order more copies of USA Today.

Nice to meet you, Marjorie. I'm Jack Stein.

So where's your wife, Jack?

Oh, you mean Dana? No, she's not my wife.

Really? Oh.

I thought by the way you spend all your time apart, you were definitely married.

But let me tell you, you're the smart one. Crazy to be running around out

in a foreign country. Tell me about it.

Do you have a pouch?

Of course.

Whoa, lovely.

Very nice.

Yeah, let Dana go around. like a duck with her head cut off. My Larry's the

way. Dana's off at that open -air market right now. Larry is on some

archaeological dig sifting for tea, please.

Last year we were here, you know, he finds this carving made out of

He had to bring it home. The next thing you know, they're throwing a tent over

our house and gassing it for termites.

How long have you and Larry been married?

20 years.

And let me tell you, I got this marriage thing down to a science, especially on

vacation. Here's all you need to tell her to avoid the gallivanting around.

Ready? One, you have it adjusted to the time zone.

Two, the sun causes cancer.

Three, you just want a nice thick novel and you can't put it down. And then all

you do is meet them for dinner.

Do you meet Dana for dinner?

Yeah. Good. You see, then you have something to talk about.

It's very important to do things separately so you have something to say

other besides, you know, I hope that tiki torch doesn't burn all an eye down.

After 20 years of marriage to the same person, it's not like you can fake a

conversation. I mean, who are we, Regis and Kathy Lee?

Marjorie, I hope you don't mind me asking you this, but how come you and

are still married?

Well, because.

We know each other.

You know each other?

Yeah.

And, you know, we go back.

It's comfortable.

It's like this hotel here.

You know what I mean.

Yeah, I think I do.

Gee, Marjorie, look, it was nice talking to you, but I'm going to go find Dana

that opened her market.

No, don't do it, Jack. Today's the running of the pigs.

Oh,

hello, sir. Would you like to buy a melon today, huh? No, thank you.

I'm looking for a friend. Maybe you've seen her. She's an American. About this

high, brown eyes, short hair, wearing three pieces of fabric. Ah, yes, she was

walking that way. Oh, thank you. Thank you very much. I appreciate it. Thanks.

Oh.

Get it off me, please.

Would you look at that? She has never did that. She must like you very much.

that's great. But at this time in my life, I've decided not to date monkeys

a while. I have never seen her show such affection.

Why don't you walk around with her? She'll come back when she's ready. Now,

look. Please, she's bored with the melons. Thank you very much. You'll be a

girl. No, get the monkey. Now, come on.

Wait.

Doll face. I'm not taking the big dance. Let's get that straight, okay?

You know what? A little electrolysis wouldn't have killed you.

I can see you are a woman who knows what she wants.

For you, I will let this go.

And only because I am moving boots next week and have to lighten my load.

I will let it go for 400 ,000, Archimonde.

I'm sorry, I must have something in my ear. I thought you said 400 ,000

darshmas.

You didn't know that, did you?

You're good.

Very good.

350 ,000 darshmas. That is my final offer. The necklace is one of a kind.

No, I am a one of a kind, and I only have 100 ,000 darshmas to spend.

Sell it at that, or I'm out of here. I'll lose money, but I can see you'll

me. I shall let you have it for 300 ,000.

Bye -bye.

200 ,000?

Cut it in half. Oh, please.

You've got me by the famultas.

Oh, look at the nice necklaces over there.

Okay. Sold for 100 ,000.

Now you're talking.

And don't look so upset. How long has it been since you had somebody as good as

me to haggle with, huh?

You were getting soft.

I got you back on your toes.

What were you when we negotiated our sovereignty?

She's an American. She's about this high, brown eyes, short hair, wearing

pieces of fabric.

Yes, I saw her.

She was here earlier, but I'm afraid she is gone now.

She was admiring this necklace.

I think she would be most happy if someone were to give it to her.

Really? How much is that? For you, since I know the lady loves it, I will give

it away.

For 800 ,000 dachshunds, and a shantar less.

$800 ,000?

What, does he think I am, an idiot?

Look, I'm a New Yorker, for God's sakes. I don't have time for this haggling

game, okay? I'll give you half that.

$400 ,000 and we have no deal. How could I? $400 ,000 and not a Shantar more.

All right, that's it. I'm taking my monkey and I'm walking out of here. Stop

Okay, you have beaten me.

The necklace is yours for $400 ,000.

Just please, don't tell anyone what you paid for.

And here's a tip.

Next time, double your asking price.

Oh, boy, I am killing him in this country.

Oh, my God.

Jack. Dana.

Oh, I don't believe it. You didn't buy a monkey, did you? You're such an impulse

shopper. No, I didn't buy her.

But she likes me, and she doesn't ever show affection to people like this.

At least I have one girlfriend on this island.

I guess I've kind of been an idiot, haven't I?

I guess so.

Well, look, I have braved the streets of San Simone to come and apologize.

I can see that.

This is why I'm crazy about you.

Dana?

Don't you have something you want to say?

What do you mean?

Why don't you turn to apologize?

What for?

You're running around the last three days like a tour guide with a bad

cappuccino buzz. Jack, I can't help it. That's what I love.

More than anything.

Booking a flight, unfolding a map, waking up in a different bed. Yeah, with

strings attached, right? Is that what you're saying? No, that's not what I'm

saying.

I don't think.

I mean, I guess I'm just so used to going it alone.

Here I am, exploring this fabulous island.

And it used to be enough for me, and now I'll...

because I want to be sharing it with you.

And that's a completely new feeling for me.

It scares me.

You're not the only one who's scared. I mean, that fight we had back in the

hotel, do you realize what we were talking about? Kids and growing old

I can't say that's a discussion that I've had very often in my life.

I know.

And there's something else that I figured out today which really scares

out of me.

But I think I have to say it.

Of course, I never pictured this happening with the missing link here

lint out of my hair.

But I hope it's lint.

Dana, I love you.

I love you, Dana. It's all...

Okay, you don't have to say it back to

me. I just thought I should tell you.

and I thought a moving target couldn't get hit.

I guess I'm just going to have to throw my frequent flyer card down the toilet.

Thanks a lot.

I love you, too.

You do?

Yeah.

How do you like that?

I guess I'm just going to have to be content to hang around and explore

home.

Maybe it's going to be a wonderful trip.

What a good girl you are, huh? Look at all you've brought me. Watch, passport,

wallet, huh? Oh, thank goodness these tourists carry everything valuable in

their pouches.

It makes our job a little more easier, huh?