Original subtitles

Who is it? That I'm starving.

I got here as fast as I could.

Oh, look how you're sweating.

You must have peddled very hard.

We promised delivery in 30 minutes and... Oh no, it's 31 minutes.

I'm a minute late. I've been bad.

You could get into a lot of trouble for that.

But don't worry.

I won't say anything.

You know, this pizza's too much for one person.

Would you like to join me?

Oh, no, ma 'am, I'm not supposed to eat with the customers.

Oh, come on.

I'm so lonely, all by myself in this big mansion.

Oh, please, lady, I'm just a hard -working kid trying to make an honest

Then lie down, pizza boy.

I'm gonna give you a great big kiss.

anything for you?

Not really. I got so into character, I started worrying about getting fired.

I skipped breakfast and lunch. All I could think about was the pizza.

Oh, man.

This is not good. This is not good at all.

We always do this. We just put way too much pressure on ourselves.

I mean, where is it written, thou shalt have great sex from day one?

How about week three?

Well, look, just, you know, this whole sexual...

The chemistry thing is way beyond our control anyway.

We'll see.

Someday, it's going to happen when we least expect it.

Oh, God, honey, you have a big hunk of pepperoni in your teeth.

All right, now.

I need you all to read this over very carefully. It's a list of all the things

you're allowed to bring into prison and what you're not.

Now. No one's obligated, of course, but just keep in mind, it is Charles'

birthday, and the only other gifts he's going to be getting are guns carved out

of soap.

No drugs, no weapons, no pornography. Well, so much for the traditional

gift.

Hey, how about one of those desktop calendars? The next seven years at a

Funny, funny, funny, very funny. I don't care. Make a joke out of it. Listen, as

long as you all show up at the party.

You are all showing up at the party, aren't you?

God, we've got to get out of this one.

Man, my life keeps taking one odd turn after the other. Now I'm going to a

birthday party in a federal penitentiary?

It's no fun playing musical chairs when one of them is plugged in.

Social obligations are so binding that a true master can't wriggle out of it.

Watch how it's done.

Nadine?

About the party. You know I committed to it two weeks ago, but now something's

come up.

Please don't ask me any details. It's very personal. Shoot.

I was really dying to go, but this, well... Let's just say it's very

Really, Meg? Oh, really. More important than all that paperwork I had to do to

get your visit approved.

The hours I spent laboring over every detail so that a man... serving seven

years in a cold, dark cell with nothing more to look forward to than being

blasted around a room with a fire hose, could have just one hour of joy in his

otherwise dismal existence?

Oh, please, please, you've got to come.

Otherwise, that whole boy -girl ratio thing is going to be thrown off. And

what am I going to do? I'm going to invite some prison matron who'll sit

and amuse us by showing us how she can suck a lit cigarette into her mouth. I

don't know. I don't know. Somehow that doesn't have the Nadine Berkus signature

on it.

Poor Nadine. Oh, for God's sake, stop pummeling me, Ray. I'm riddled with

You're going to make some lucky girl a wonderful mother someday.

That's not what you were saying a couple weeks ago when you and I... Hey, what

are you, an elephant?

The whole country managed to forget that Nixon had a dark side, but you, you

can't forget one unfortunate night that happened between us that never should

have happened.

Not really.

That damn grin again. I'm going to tell you something, Ray. I don't think you're

making an effort. Meg!

Kitchen. Okay, okay, but I am not finished with you.

I've heard that one before.

Meg! Meg!

Look, Nadine, I didn't realize how important this party was to you. And if

you're upset about something and you need to talk about it,

I just want you to know I'm here for you.

Oh, my God, she's hysterical. Let's get the hell out of here. You leave now and

I tell Ray you're carrying his child.

What's wrong?

Oh, God.

It's Charles.

I think he's having an affair.

In prison?

Oh, no.

No, no.

No, nothing like that.

Although... His cellmate Moose has taken to signing his name Moose Berkins. No.

No, it's a woman.

Now, Nadine, this is a pretty serious charge. What made you suspect?

Just little things.

Last year, I gave Charles a box of stationary birds of the New England

waterways. Well, he's run out, Moose tells me, because Charles has been

to a woman.

I'm a woman, but all he ever sent me were a mallard and a Canadian honker.

And then last week when I went to visit, a new guard said to me, oh, you're Mrs.

Burkett. Seems that another woman had visited Charles three times that week.

when I asked Charles about it, he got all flustered and he said, oh, she was a

volunteer nun.

Well, now wait, that could be true.

Nuns do visit the prisons and not all of them wear those old habits anymore.

Are they tall and blonde wearing Donna Karan mini skirts and alligator

slingbacks?

Only if their prayers have been answered.

How could he do this to me?

Has he no conscience?

What about all that time I stood by him through the hell of that trial?

But did I ever let on how it made me feel? No.

I hung in there. I stood by him. I supported that man. I'll tell you

If he's having an affair, so help me God, I'm going to make him suffer.

I am going to hurt him, and I'm going to hurt him bad.

I wonder if there'll be an open bar.

humiliating the most horrendous thing that has ever happened to me.

Charles is in here for stock fraud. Why were we strip searched?

Now you know why I don't go to birthday parties.

No, let's go, let's go. Meg, we'll meet you right out here.

And Dana, dear, might I say that when expecting a strip search, an outfit with

that many buttons is just not a wise choice.

Thanks for the tip, Nadine, but you see, I didn't know there was going to be a

strip search because you didn't say so. Tell me something. I'm curious.

How does something like there is going to be a trip search slip your mind?

Hello. Look at the boys.

You don't see them complaining. Hi, Jack.

Hi there, Abe. Where's Ray?

He passed out.

They're giving him juice and a cookie in the back.

Hey, keep it down, will you? We got people in here trying to... To what?

Make wallets? Dig tunnels? What?

This is the conjugal visits room.

Oh.

Oh, sorry.

What is this, a hotel?

My tax dollars are paying for this?

I'm back there trapped, buck naked, while a guard uses me to play Where's

And you've got an accident and they're getting lucky.

What is wrong with this picture?

Well, hey, Meg, welcome to hell.

Did they remember to give you your I'm with guilty T -shirt?

Say who?

What do you mean?

You got strip searched, didn't you? I don't remember.

You don't remember?

You blocked it out?

Why not? I'm good at that. I blocked out an entire set of relatives in grades 10

through 12, which luckily for me coincided with disco and a bad Dorothy

haircut.

Okay.

Time's up, you two.

Break it up.

Move along, folks. There's nothing to see here. Nothing to see.

Oh, wow.

Oh, there is something about this room.

Charles and I had some pretty terrific times in there.

Of course, the sex between us was always great. You know, they say companionship

is everything, but let me tell you something.

If the sex isn't good, you got nothing.

Can we get the party started, please?

Oh, Ray, well, finally.

Ray, dear, you're going to a party. Could you try to look a little more

Okay.

Birds, we're all here now.

All right, this way, everybody.

How you doing, big guy? Jack, please, I don't want to be touched.

I just want to get on with my life.

Okay. All right, everybody, listen up. This is the plan. This is the plan.

They're going to be bringing Charles in through this door here.

People, this door here. So what I want to do is I want everybody to hide behind

these chairs. We'll dim the lights. Then when he comes in, we'll all yell

surprise. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let me get this straight, Nadine.

You want me to hide in the dark behind a piece of furniture.

And when the guard comes in with a big gun, you want me to jump on it.

And scare the hell out of him?

No, no.

I don't think so.

All right, everybody, stand back.

Prisoner coming in.

God, it's Charles. What am I going to do? What if he lies? Am I supposed to

pretend I don't think that's anything?

Everything's the way it was. What?

Surprise!

Oh, gosh.

Look at this.

Oh, Nadine.

Oh, wow.

This is so great.

I'm so surprised.

Hi, Charles Berkus.

Who are you?

These are my friends, Charles. You met them a little while ago at Guinevere's

wedding. Well, I guess you don't remember.

Oh, oh, sure, sure.

You were the piano player.

Oh, no. Yeah, you were the piano player.

Yeah, okay, fine.

Oh, you're not surprised, are you, Charles?

I can always tell when you're fibbing. Well, honey, they needed three weeks of

clearance just to get this party approved.

But I was so looking forward to this. Honey, I hope you don't mind, but I've

invited somebody.

Come on in, Moose.

Everybody, this is my cellmate, Moose. Hi, everybody.

Thanks for having me.

All right, all right, I'll bite.

Why don't they call you Moose?

I killed a man with a pair of antlers.

It was an accident.

Okay, what do you say we get this party rolling, huh?

Let's do our presents, games.

Cake, cake, cake's usually last. Why don't we just go right to cake, huh? All

right, fine.

Listen, everybody, come and get seated, won't you, please? Now, look, the prison

has given us less than an hour for this party. So, Charles, why don't you start

by opening your gifts? Oh, no, I thought we said no gifts. Oh, now I'm

embarrassed.

Moose, no, it's fine.

I've got lots of gifts. Look at them all.

Oh, oh, oh.

Oh, well, now I'll bet this one is from you, Nadine, because it's so beautifully

wrapped. Oh, I can't believe it. Exactly what I wanted. Another box of birds

of the New England waterways.

Who said you'd run out? Although they come in a box of 50. I only got two.

Huh. That's right. That's all I sent, because I used the last few for... See,

I organized a prison letter -writing campaign to save our favorite TV show,

Phenom.

God, that was a good show, wasn't it, Moose?

Quirky, irreverent.

Okay, well, we're falling behind schedule here. You can open these gifts

Let's have some music. Yeah, that's a good idea.

I like that. Oh, yes.

Play some swing or Sinatra.

Something that fills the air with a lush melody and a hint of romance.

Would you care to dance?

No. How about you?

Are you all right?

Did you hear him, Dana?

He was lying through his teeth. I'm telling you, it's over for us. You

trust men.

Now, Nadine, don't jump to conclusions. You and Charles have been married a long

time. I mean, maybe it's not what you think it is.

Charles.

Who is that?

Joan. Oh, you're here.

Oh, I'm so... happy. I'm so happy.

I was afraid you wouldn't make it.

Everybody, this is Joan Mowbray.

Joan, this is... I have no idea who these people are.

But they brought me a lot of swell gifts.

Hi. Charles, I don't think you've introduced us.

Nadine, Joan is someone very important to me.

We met just a few months ago, but since that day, everything's changed.

In fact...

She's about to make this a happier birthday for me than I could have ever

dreamed possible.

Not in front of me she's not.

That's it. I don't want to hear another word out of either one of you. You just

get out. Get out and you get out.

I can't. Oh, I know that.

What do you think, I just fell off a turnip truck? That's part of the

you know. You always underestimated my intelligence.

You were the big stockbroker and I was just dull little old Nadine. Nadine, if

may... Don't you call me Nadine Little Miss Wonderbra.

I am Mrs. Berkus, and I know who you are, with your oil of Olay complexion

that Miss L 'Oreal, frankly, I'm worth it hair.

Tell me something. Tell me. Why is it I can't see you getting up at 6 o 'clock

in the morning to make his three -and -a -half -minute eggs and sitting through

all those boring client dinners of his and telling him that that hair on his

pillow is just normal shedding instead of the beginning of a painful and costly

treatment? Why is it I can't see you do any of those things?

Well, maybe it's because I'm Charles' lawyer, not his lover.

Ah.

Charles retained me to see if I could get him an early parole.

And I'm pleased to announce I've been successful.

You what?

Wait, wait, wait. What do you mean here?

Honey, don't you understand?

It means I don't have to serve the full seven years.

I'm going to be home in two weeks.

I'm going to let you two have a little time alone.

As long as you promise not to suffocate her with the cake.

I've been dying every time I've seen that happen.

Come on, Moose. Let it go.

Charles Berkusville has a few tricks up his sleeve, huh?

I've never seen anything like that look on your face when you heard the words

early parole.

Oh, God, I am so sorry about the way I blew up like that.

I honestly thought you were having an affair.

Oh, my God, Nadine.

We're a team.

But to see you snap like that, I had no idea what a strain my imprisonment has

been on you.

Having to take care of the house all by yourself, pay all the bills,

Rotate the tires on the minivan.

You poor kid.

You did rotate the tires, didn't you?

Yes, yes. You poor kid.

But I'm going to make it up to you. You'll see. Two weeks from today,

is going to go right back to normal.

I'll get my old job back on Wall Street.

The stock market's in the toilet.

People are desperate. We'll be rich again in no time.

We'll take a vacation.

Well, like that time we rented that old converted barn on the Cape. Oh, that was

nice. That was nice. Yeah, you see? Yeah.

But, Charles, I can't just up and run off. I work now. You know that.

Oh, but you don't have to. You can quit.

But I don't think I want to quit my job. I like my job. It's the only one I've

ever had. And I really love the feeling I get when I go and I cash my check

every week. That's money. Oh, it's all right. It's all right.

So you can work.

Yeah. I'm not saying we won't have some adjusting to do.

They say you don't get used to life on the outside.

Just like that?

I mean, I know.

When I open my dresser drawer at home and see all those polo shirts folded the

way you do them, nice and square, with the pony facing up on

the left -hand corner, I'm going to choke up a little.

Charles, can I ask you a question? I'm innocent, I swear. No, no, no.

I don't mean that.

Do you love me?

What?

Of course I do.

That little pause, what was that for?

What pause? That little... I was trying to think

of all of the...

The different reasons why I love you.

Like the poem.

How do I love thee?

Let me count the ways.

I love thee.

Jesus, how does the rest of that go?

To the depth and breadth and height my soul can reach when feeling out of sight

for the ends of being an ideal grace. Yeah.

Yeah.

That's the one.

You see, Nadine, we're a team.

That's why I can always turn to you and say, Hey, Nadine, what was the name of

that poem?

Or, Hey, Nadine, where did we stay when we went to Vail?

We did go to Vail, didn't we?

Charles, can I tell you about a dream I keep having?

I go to pick you up at the train station, the way I always used to, and

over and you lean in, you give me a kiss on the cheek, as usual, and I slide

over and you get behind the wheel, and we drive home, eyes staring straight

ahead.

We can only see one side of each other, and it's always the same side.

Don't you see, Charles?

The car.

It's a symbol of our whole life together.

You didn't rotate the tires, did you?

All right, all right, all right. So we'll switch sides. Oh, better yet,

get one of those Jags straight from England with the steering on the other

Bing, bang, boom. Problem solved.

Oh, you are just not getting this at all, are you? You just don't get it. And

frankly, neither do I. God, I'm so confused.

I don't know.

Maybe there are other things in a relationship that are more important,

kind of companionship that allows you to accept all a person's side, not just

the one that's convenient or the one you want to see.

Charles, I don't think I can go back to life the way it was.

I don't believe I said that.

Oh, come on, Nadine.

I'm locked up here in this hellhole for the last two years, stuck with the

videotape library where nobody thinks it's important to rewind.

Sitting here, counting the days until I get out, and now you tell me this.

Charles, you don't love me.

At least not the way I always dreamed of being loved.

I think I have to go my own way for a little while.

See where it takes me.

I don't believe this.

If you think I'm going to let this end here, after all the years together, and

the kids, and the sex.

Oh, Charles.

Oh, you're right. Oh, we mustn't be selfish about this.

Yes, for the kids' sake, we should still have sex.

I told you, rules are rules.

You can't go until your whole party's here. That's not fair. Jack and Dana are

already in the car.

Then they'll get their punishment in hell.

You have to wait for Mrs. Burke.

I can't hear.

Damn these prison walls.

She's knocking. Dave, Dave, come quickly, please.

Hi. Oh, hi, everybody. I'm sorry I kept you waiting. So, Nadine, what's the

story?

Well, I may as well just tell you all now. You're going to find out about it

soon enough. Charles and I have decided to separate.

Oh, that's too bad. I feel terrible.

I'd stay and talk to you about it, but there is a birthday boy back there, and

no one has sung to him yet.

Now, would you excuse me?

Hey, Moose, wait for me.

All right, you can all go now.

Let's get out of here. Wait a second. Wait, wait. I'm just going to... Maybe

it's okay.

Are you okay?

I guess not. She's hysterical again. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go.

Okay.

Time's up, folks.

My name is Dave Simon.

I'm a correctional officer in the federal penitentiary system.

All the things you saw in the preceding program are untrue. To wit, you may not

bring gifts of any kind to an inmate in prison.

Two, prisoners are not allowed to have conjugal visits.

Three, no birthday parties.

And four, many states are removing televisions from prison.

So if you want to watch the Super Bowl this year, don't break the law.