Original subtitles

Dana, honey, how much longer do you think you're going to be?

I don't know. I just got in the tub.

The tub? You're taking a bath?

Yeah, come on in.

Wow, what happened to my bed?

A woman is in it.

Guess you better get used to that, huh?

Boy, this is an interesting part of a new relationship, isn't it?

Finding out all those intimate little details about people.

So you're a bath person, huh?

Yeah, you need to go to the fish market for me this morning so I can treat

myself.

Want to hop in? I don't mind company.

No, any other time, but I have my own little morning routine.

Every day I wake up at 7 .15, I eat a nice toasted bran muffin and have a

hot cup of coffee.

Uh -huh.

Very hot. The coffee's very hot.

And then I gather at my newspaper and I come in here.

What I'm trying to say to you, Dana, is that there's a certain window of

opportunity.

You know, if I'm not reading about the Knicks in the next five minutes, well,

then that's it. The interstate's closed for the next 24 hours.

Oh, I get it.

I mean, you're not so intimate.

You know, we haven't exactly had fireworks in the bodily contact

Well, you know, Jack, things are never going to be really fantastic between us

until we can completely relax together.

Sex is always better if you're not worried about holding in your stomach.

You know, I'm starting not to be able to look in the eye anymore. I think I'm

going to go next door to the coffee shop. Jack, wait a minute.

Give me a kiss goodbye.

Danny, you're just not getting this, are you?

Take your time. Guys like us need a little longer.

Oh, you said it.

Guys like us.

Lots to deal with in there.

Oh, you got that right.

Lots to deal with.

Okay. Here you go. It's all yours.

You can just get out of your way in here.

I'll be leaving. Hey, listen.

Is there something the matter with the other stalls?

Because if there is, don't let me rush it. First come, first serve. Oh, no.

No, there's nothing wrong with the other stalls, actually.

You caught me. I thought I was alone.

I guess people like these dogs because, you know, they're a little roomier.

Right, roomier.

Yeah, you know, I tell you, you must know this. You can really spread out in

here. I mean, you know.

You've got one bar for the sports page, and then the other bar I put the arts

and leisure on, you know.

Well, the lighting, hell, it's second to none.

Oh, you said it. There's nothing like the luxury of a handicapped stall.

It's like a Cadillac in there.

You know, when I skied off that cliff with a solid sheet of ice below, picking

up speed with every foot of the 500 I felt, I said to myself, hey, look at the

bright side. At least now I'll get to use the comfy stall.

You know, I didn't really mean it that way.

To tell you the truth, I grabbed it without using my head. I completely

apologize. Don't sweat it, man. I understand.

When the doctor gave me the news I'd never walk again.

I said, Doc, you're not teasing me now, are you? I'll actually have a prime

parking spot waiting for me right outside the 7 -Eleven. Wow, I must be

luckiest son of a gun on the face of the earth.

Look, I said I was sorry. Yeah, everybody's always... Don't I know you?

You look really familiar. I don't think so. I'll see you around. Wait, I do know

you from your picture in the paper. You write that column.

You're Jack Stein.

That's right, I am.

So you follow my column? Oh, sure.

A couple of weeks ago, you wrote about National Secretaries Day. I think I

remember what you said.

You said what a stupid holiday it was because nobody could get into their

favorite restaurants for lunch. There'd always be 40 secretaries in there with

all the tables pushed together. All carrying roses that they got from

who make up the ridiculous holidays just to hawk more flowers.

My mother's a secretary.

Oh.

She has carpal tunnel syndrome. All right, now listen. She slaved away for

in a tiny airless office with no heat so I could train for the Olympic ski team.

All right, look.

We're obviously getting nowhere. I think I should leave. Oh, oh, Jack Stein has

to leave. He has to go type up his precious column.

Hey, Jack, here's an idea I think you'll love. I bet those ramps to the hospital

are expensive.

Let's get rid of them, and for the money we save, we can melt down all the blind

people's canes. How's that sound?

Then we can take that material, have it molded into more handicapped parking

signs, so everybody gets a good space.

Huh?

All right, that's it. The gloves are coming off here, pal.

For your information, I have never, ever parked in a handicapped parking space

because I don't own a car.

But now that I've met you, I plan to buy one. And then I plan to drive to the

nearest bowling alley and park it on an angle so I can block all 300 of the

handicapped parking spaces.

You're messing with the wrong guy here. What in the hell is the logic of having

handicapped parking spaces in front of a bowling alley? We bowl, you idiot.

If you can bowl, you don't need special parking spaces.

You're gonna get it now. I'm gonna make sure the whole city hears about this.

I'm gonna make sure Jack Stein is one of the most hated men in New York. Hey,

don't take credit for something I've already done.

Guy was unbelievable. He would not cut me any slack.

And you know, he's the type of person to have a chip on his shoulder no matter

what his luck was.

Jack, you didn't do anything so terrible.

I admit, I have used the big room he stole more than once myself.

Got a black tie gala, a few little white wine. I'm not proud, but those grab

bars are a lifesaver when you got your gown over your head and your pantyhose

down around your ankles.

Thanks for that image, Nadine.

Now I know what to beat for Halloween this year.

A little prosciutto and melon for my pals. Don't say anything.

Oh, yeah. That sounds like this guy really overreacted. You were lucky you

out of there. I mean, that's not an angle you want to be taking a punch

What are you talking about?

Jack got in a little scuffle this morning.

You got in a scuffle with who?

A guy.

A guy? A guy in a wheelchair. Oh, my God, Jack. You got into a fight with a

in a wheelchair?

Well, he was mean. Oh, he was mean.

Yep, knowing Jack as well as I do, I'm surprised he had the self -control to

just walk away.

You just walked away?

Well... I knew it!

I spent most of my time apologizing for using a handicapped stall. And what did

you spend the rest of your time doing?

Talking.

About parking spaces.

Parking spaces?

Yeah, I said I had nothing against handicapped parking spaces.

I simply wanted to allow while there's always ten of them in front of a bowling

alley.

everybody lately, huh? I mean, one wrong step and bang, here come the PC police.

Well, I'm sick of all this political correctness. I mean, what is it anyway?

it handicapped? Is it disabled? Is it physically challenged?

Is it black or African American or Asian American or Native American American?

Blind people are sight challenged. Short people are height challenged.

Stewardesses are now flight attendants. And waiters are now servers.

God forbid I should eat in a restaurant with a black, blind, short waitress.

I'd have to call her an African -American sight -challenged, height

server. Oh, oh, oh, oh, but if I happen to call her Miss, hell, she'll jab me in

the thigh with a steak knife because I didn't call her Miss.

And speaking of steak, oh, I will eat a steak, and I will enjoy that steak, and

I will not feel guilty afterwards, even if I find out the damn cow had a name.

And don't tell me I can't compliment a woman on her appearance in my office

anymore without being sent to the Bob Packwood... rehabilitation center.

You know, we're always talking about violence in our society, but you know

I think we have created so much anxiety and tension trying not to offend people

that the only way we can make ourselves feel better is to shoot each other.

Now there, I'm done.

Jack's kind of right.

I mean, we all seem to be a little overly sensitive about things.

That's right, Ray.

It's as if you'd be offended if I called you a garbage man.

Well, uh, actually, Jack, the term garbage man does sound a little

Oh, here we go.

Seriously, we serve a valuable purpose.

It's a simple issue of respect. Right, it was just an example. That's why we

call ourselves sanitationists. Let it go. Actually, sanitation engineer is the

proper term.

Why stop there? Why not call yourself the emperor of coffee grounds and use

puggies?

Oh, police.

You people don't know the half of it. Try walking a mile in my shoes.

Do you realize the abusive name -calling I have to put up with on a daily basis?

It's not easy being a Republican.

Uh -oh, Jack, Jack, don't turn around. Our editor's here.

Act casual and just tell me, is that staff meeting on absenteeism today or

tomorrow?

It was yesterday.

Ah, well, then let's get our story straight. Yesterday, I was in a coma.

that? Coma.

I thought I'd find you here.

Hey, Amal, what are you doing down here with the masses?

Couldn't get a table at the Russian tea room?

Let me buy you a cup of coffee. No, no, it's okay, Amal. Don't argue with me,

Stein. Will you just sit down?

All right, let me cut to the chase.

I had a visitor today.

It was a guy. A guy? A guy in a wheelchair.

Your bowling buddy. Ring a bell?

Oh, man, I can't believe he went to the office. I can't believe this. Oh,

believe it. He was very unhappy, Jack.

He said you got into an altercation in a public toilet?

Oh, for God's sakes. He told me what you said. Very colorful.

He managed to take a swipe at his mother, too.

Waitress, can I get a scotch here? Yes, of course, but actually, I'm not your

waitress. I'm your server, Nadine. Well, then serve me the damn drink.

What's the magic word? Hit.

Close enough.

It was no big deal. I mean, if I don't get at least one death threat a week,

not doing my job, right? We've got a big problem now.

Because you've managed to pick on the president of a disabled organization.

And he's threatening to pick at the paper unless you print a public apology

your column. I can't do that. I didn't do anything wrong. I know, I know, I

know. We're journalists. We can't cave in to every pressure group that comes

along. Yada, yada, yada. That's right. Sure.

It would be wrong of me to suggest that.

If you had a little space left at the end of your column and you wanted to

something, a few lines maybe to draw attention to, a very worthy cause, maybe

avoid a public relations nightmare.

No, no, as a journalist, that's something I could never ask you to do.

Oh, boy.

It's going to be a pretty sight.

Forty wheelchairs circling the lobby.

Going great on CNN.

You know, maybe if I'm lucky, I could get in the shot.

Showing off the fresh tire tracks on my back.

Look, Emil, I don't cave in when the going gets rough.

I mean, if I tested the water before I jumped in, if I found out what most

people think before I formed my opinion, I'd be a network executive.

And I'm not going to let this guy turn a minor incident into a cause select. Of

course not.

We can handle this. We have other ways.

Listen, here's what I think you should do.

Write out a check, Jack.

A small donation to the guy's organization.

It'll show you, not the insensitive, bigoted boob they're accusing you of

in really big letters on their picket signs.

Hiya, Mel.

The blini's a little too rich for you for the Russian tea room?

Dana, Jack and I are in the middle of a philosophical discussion, and we could

use a third opinion.

If it's anything about this wheelchair incident, I don't want anywhere near

landmark. No, no, no, Dana, it's okay.

I mean, the guy in the wheelchair is now threatening to picket the paper if I

don't write an apology in my column. And I feel as though that a forced apology,

well, it's hypocritical. Now, what should I do?

I really don't feel comfortable in the military. No, no, Dana, come on. It's

okay. Look, we're a couple now. I value your opinion.

I want you to speak freely.

Go ahead.

Well, okay.

I guess I'm wondering what you were doing in that stall in the first place.

What's been a reason for it?

I mean, you know, the guy's probably exhausted from banging his head against

wall trying to get some measly piece of legislation passed that might make his

life a little easier.

You know, unfortunately, nobody ever hears you unless you yell a little.

I think we've got to dig a little deeper and try to find some kind of compassion

because there but for the grace of God go I.

Can I see you in the kitchen, please?

Yeah, yes. Uh, excuse us. Would you please come out?

What the hell was that all about?

Why don't you back me up out there?

I tried to stay out of it. You asked me for my honest opinion.

Yes, but I was talking to you in code.

I thought you would recognize the obvious unwritten code that you're

support me in front of my boss.

Well, maybe it would help if I knew what the code was.

Is it tapped on the table? Are you going to cross your...

All right, all right, now you're getting sarcastic. I just expected you to agree

with me. Oh, I see. Now that we're together, you want me to stand by my

Now, is that so terrible?

Tammy Faye did it for Jim.

Mrs. Schindler did it for Oscar.

And Hillary does it for Bill.

Oh, and she's brilliant at it.

He's here. Oh, he's here. No, no, no, he's here. He's here.

The rolling, the challenge, the physically, the gimp.

I didn't know whether to offer him a booth or a table. We don't see that many

handicapped people in Westchester. We hide them. Unless they've had a riding

mower accident, which has an odd kind of status symbol. I don't know what I'm

saying. Just stop. Stop. She's right.

There's Mr.

Happyface right there. Okay, he's managed to find me.

Now, Jack, I don't think you should go out there. I think you've caused enough

trouble for one day. Oh, now, wait a minute.

Sit.

Stay.

Oh, it's okay. Let me help you out. I got excellent upper body strength.

No, thank you, really. I'll just wait for your ramp.

Hey.

He wants to wait for the ramp.

Ramp?

Ramp?

Hey, which one of you jokers took the ramp?

No, it's okay.

Here we go. Here we go.

All right.

Yeah,

we got a physically challenged guy down at the Department of Sanitation.

Uh -huh.

Tony Alberghini?

Well, you probably knew him.

Why would I?

Both Italian?

Ray.

I need it somewhere.

Good afternoon, sir.

Let me introduce myself. I'm Dana Palladino. I'm your chef here at the

Rock. Do you need any help?

No, thank you. Just waiting for somebody.

Oh, well, if you change your mind, I'd be happy to escort you to a table or a

booth. A booth?

Yeah. That would be a little difficult, wouldn't it? I'm in a wheelchair.

You're in a wheelchair? Oh, my God, I didn't even notice that. David, did you

notice that? Did you notice he was in a wheelchair?

Nadine. I don't know where to be.

You know, there is something you could help me with.

Where's your ramp?

Our ramp?

Actually, we don't have a ramp.

You know, the building's very old. This is typical, just typical.

I've got to be honest with you.

I don't blame you for being frustrated.

I understand your anger.

We have a lot in common. We do.

Yes.

I am a woman functioning in a man's world.

Do you have any idea how difficult it has been for me as a female chef to get

even a fraction of respect?

I have hit my head on the glass ceiling so many times I use Windex instead of

hairspray.

But I'm here, here with you.

Claude and support whatever you have to do to have your voice heard because I

know what it's like to be one of society's underdogs.

Cut the crap, salad girl. Why don't you save it for one of your now meetings?

You don't know what it's like to be me. You'll never know.

I was just trying to be nice.

Being in a wheelchair doesn't give you the license to be rude.

Yes, it does.

You're more than rude. You're obnoxious.

I'll tell you what. You want to eat someplace with a ramp, how about I set

table for you on the Jersey Turnpike?

Oh, God.

You're a real piece of work, lady.

How insensitive can you possibly be?

I pity the man you go home to at the end of the night, if there is one.

Oh, there is one.

And he would be me.

See how it's done?

See how I'm standing up for you here?

Well, well, well. But this is my old friend Jack Stein.

So the two of you are an item, huh? Oh, yes, we're an item. A major item.

Want to take some notes here?

I don't need any help.

So, uh, how did you two meet, anyway? Rolling homeless people for change in

park?

tell you something else. You know that movie, My Left Foot?

I hated that.

I believed that he could open the door. I believed he could paint the picture.

But when he saw the Rubik's Cube, I said, I'm out of here.

Jeez, what a hothead. I bet she can really get in your face, huh?

I almost see why you used the big stall this morning.

You needed a little breathing room.

Yeah, well, she's a little opinionated, but so am I.

And so are you.

Of course, I'd rather be sleeping with her, no offense.

How long have you been married?

Oh, we're not married. We're just, you know, testing the ice to see if it'll

hold us.

Good idea. You don't want to rush into anything.

Women, can't live with them?

Can't poop in front of them.

Look, about this morning, I want to tell you...

The reason I came in here looking for you was I had a few more things to say.

But you know what?

I've had my two fights before lunch. That's my limit.

I just needed to blow off steam.

I do that when I'm having a bad day, which is a lot.

Have you had lunch yet?

No, I've been busy trying to get you fired.

Come on, I'll get you a table down here. We'll get a bite.

And talk this damn thing out.

By the way, the little hothead in there makes an excellent pasta.

I'd be happy to test it for you first.

It's a deal.

Hey, get my friend here a beer, would you please?

You know, Dana, just seeing you standing there gives me great comfort.

I can honestly say to myself, there but for the grace of God, go I.

Enjoy it while you can because, you know, very rarely in this relationship

you ever have anything to hold over my head again. Look, I was just supporting

you in a tough situation.

That's what people in relationships do, support each other.

Look, Jack, I can't change who I am. If you ask me what I think, I am going to

tell you the truth.

And I would think that that would make you happy to know that you can always

count on me to be honest.

For instance, these pants you're wearing?

What's wrong with them? You don't like my pants?

They fit perfectly.

this snug without actually lowering my sperm count.

Let me tell you something else about yourself.

Oh, what have I started?

You know the way your eyes crinkle up when you smile?

That takes my breath away.

Really?

Yeah.

Jack, just because we have a disagreement doesn't mean I don't care

More than I thought I'd ever care about anybody.

Really?

Yeah. Is that what you were afraid of?

Every time we have a disagreement, it's going to be the end for us.

You're not getting rid of me that easy.

Really?

Besides, disagreement keeps the fire and passion in our relationship.

I thought that's what sex was for.

We're working on that.

Let's work on it now, okay?

And what if you just said nothing?

I mean, that wouldn't be lying. That would be... Sean!

What do you think, Dana?

Dana, I said, what do you think of that?

Dana?

Dana?

Doug, you done with the sports section?

them out of toilet paper.