Original subtitles

I can feel her beautiful green eyes on my back. She's looking at me, isn't she?

Oh, yeah, she is, big guy.

Now, turn around slowly, give a little smile of recognition, and then turn back

with a shade of interest flavored with just an air of cool detachment. You got

that? I got it, yeah.

I felt some magic there. There was magic.

Now what should I do?

Should I buy her something? There was a guy in the corner selling shortwave

radio. Oh, forget that, man. That's not what women like.

What really impresses a woman is when a man buys a round of drinks for the

entire restaurant.

Come on, I'm not going to fall for that again.

I gave it a shot.

Maybe I should just go over and strike up a conversation.

What would I say to her?

Get all tongue -tied around her.

Ah, Christian, you wish you had my wit.

Borrow it, then, lad.

And together, you and I will make one hero of romance.

What?

It's Cyrano. I'm doing it for my acting class. Lucky for you.

I could be the voice of your heart.

Come, young friend.

And we both shall win her together.

Take the soul from within this leathern shack of mine and breathe it into you.

I just want to know where you were. I've been waiting, Meg.

I'm sorry. There was a blood drive today. You know me. If I can get out of

staff meeting and get free juice, I'm there. Oh, fine.

You give blood while I just wait. You're always thinking about yourself.

Here, now. Sit down. I want to talk to you.

Oh. All right. Oh, fine. Well, I see you decided to seat yourself.

This table was empty. You know, it may interest you to know that when I seat a

party, I don't just throw them down any old witch way at any old table. I have

to keep track of who's in, who's out, who's hip, who's not, who should be

who should be hidden.

I can't explain this in layman's terms.

Why are you sitting at a table anyway?

You have something private and secret to say to Meg the rest of us can't hear?

Yes. Oh, good.

Be quick about it, will you? I've got to get back to work.

All right, all right.

Something happened to me this morning. Something crazy.

Yeah? I was going through my mail like I normally do, and I came across one of

those dumb sheets and towels catalogs from New England.

I'm leaping through this thing, and then I see this dumb picture of a bed in a

field of sunflowers. Now, normally...

I wouldn't look twice at something like that. I mean, why is that a selling

point? I mean, how in the hell do you plug in your clock radio?

Jack, for God's sakes, will you cut to the chase? I'm going from O positive to

negative real fast.

Okay. So there is this bed in the field of sunflowers.

And all of a sudden, I find myself staring at it. And then I picture myself

it with... I can't believe I'm going to say that.

It was Dana.

Oh, wow!

Oh, wow! That is fantastic!

Fantastic! Yes, because I've been working on getting the two of you

a year. It's been at the top of my to -do list, and now I can finally cross it

off and move on to reconcile with Mother.

This thing hit me like a bolt of lightning. I mean, I'm crazy about her,

want to tell her that, but what if she doesn't feel the same way I do?

Jack, dear, would you like us to feel out this situation for you? Put out the

landing lights, so to speak.

Finally. I was about to offer you cash.

Let's go.

Hi. Hi.

God, my back is killing me.

I get this big dent in my mattress on the side where I sleep. I tried sleeping

on the other side, but I just kept rolling back into the dent. And I'd flip

mattress, but I can't do it by myself, which is the irony of the situation,

because if I had a person in my life to help me flip it, then I wouldn't have

this problem with the mattress anyway.

We'll be right back.

You can stop circling, Jack. You're cleared for a landing.

What does that mean?

Well, you might as well know.

I've decided that I'm crazy about Dana and I want to ask her out on a real

But I've just got to figure out, you know, how to make this one of those

unforgettable nights.

Shall we collaborate, young prince?

I'll be your cloak of darkness, your enchanted sword, your ring to charm the

pretty princess.

I'm not sure of the message, but I'm willing to kill the messenger.

Just offering to help, Jacko.

If you want to impress the woman, I'll tell you what I'd do.

First, you pick her up at sunset.

You take her on a boat ride around Manhattan as the sky turns crimson.

Then off to an exotic dinner.

And finally up to the Rainbow Room to dance.

And to look at the lights of this beautiful city as they spread beneath

a blanket of diamonds.

Or you can buy a round of drinks. That works, too.

Okay. Let's see that I'm flying without a net here.

But I've got to get this over with, so... Okay.

Here we go.

Hi,

Jack.

Dan, I have to talk to you.

If you hear the lobby about putting chocolate pudding on the menu again, you

forget. No, no, that's not what I want to talk about.

I wanted to tell you that... that... that I'm thinking about getting a new

What?

That's not what I wanted to say at all.

Yes, it is. Have a nice day.

Look, I'm just going to lay my cards on the table here.

All these months, I've been avoiding it.

I'm crazy about you.

And I'm taking a big risk here because I don't know how you feel, but, I mean,

what the hell? You know, I just wanted to say that, and, you know, that's it.

Oh, Jack.

You got a lot more guts than I do.

Well, you're not laughing. That's good.

I'm not laughing. laughing at all i was just thinking about how much time we've

wasted okay well now you created a monster because i would take another

like dana i think we ought to go out you know spend some time together and see

where this thing takes us wow you mean like a real date yeah like where i try

six different outfits and wear my underwear that i keep in tissue paper

I wear this cologne that my aunt gave me when I was 16, and my palms sweat

before I pick you up.

So what do you say?

I'd love to.

Really? Yeah.

Are you serious?

Yeah. All right, good.

Well, because I want to make this, you know, one of those nights you'll never

forget. You'll see.

Yeah? Yeah.

A sunset boat ride around Manhattan.

An exotic dinner, and then a trip up to the Rainbow Room. We can dance.

I am so sorry. It wasn't supposed to be like that. A circle -line boat tour

around Manhattan at sunset is usually one of the most romantic things in New

York. God, I wanted this evening to be so special.

Please stop apologizing.

How many people can say that they have actually seen a body floating in the

wind?

That was very special.

Are you saying you still have an appetite?

Oh, yeah.

I believe you got a reservation at Mr.

Chang's. That's the hottest restaurant in town.

Well, you know, I know some people. I pulled a few strings.

I don't think you realize how well connected I am in this town.

Good evening and welcome to Mr. Chang's. May I help you? Yeah, we have a

reservation. Jack Stein?

Sorry, sir, I don't see your reservation.

That's impossible.

I called today. Two people, 7 .30.

Oh, yes, here it is. Jack Spine.

No! Right this way, Mr. Spine.

Hey, Jack, it's all right. Come on, come on.

This is our night.

We're going to have a fantastic dinner.

Here we go. Table nine for Mr. Spine.

Enjoy your meal.

Okay, so it's not the best table in the restaurant, but it doesn't matter

because we're together, right?

That's right.

Did I tell you tonight how terrific you look?

Yeah, you have, but I don't mind hearing it again.

Gee, this is amazing, isn't it? I mean, we're finally going to take a shot at

this thing.

Is it all right if I hold your hand?

I'd love you to hold my hand, Mr. Spine.

Oh, for God's sake!

Hello, how are you? Welcome to Mr. Chang.

Everything tonight, very, very good. Oh, well, that's great, because it's a very

special evening for us, and we're very hungry.

Oh, what a wonderful menu.

This is going to be fun choosing from all of this.

Okay, you ready?

You think I drink orders now?

Okay, I take that, too.

We're not ready to order yet. We just sat down.

Okay, but you want to have time to eat, you've got to be out of here by 8 .30.

What? We squeezed you in.

We have next reservation at 8 .30 for this table.

8 .30? Nobody told me that when I made this reservation.

Jack, Jack, it's not worth getting upset over. I mean, come on, think about it.

Do you really want to spend the whole night in this restaurant?

Uh, not when I'm sitting at this table looking at you in a dress like that.

You start with soup, huh? It already made.

We're not ready to order yet.

Okay,

maybe we should just look at these minions. I think that's a good idea.

sharing, right?

Of course.

Oh, listen to this. The devil's jewels.

Shrimp and scallops sautéed in a sizzling garlic pepper sauce.

Then there's a picture of a little fire extinguisher next to it.

Yeah, that just means it's got some flavor to it. You like spicy food, don't

you? Well, it's those little red peppers.

You know, the CIA tried to assassinate Castro with one of them.

Those peppers are like an aphrodisiac to me.

Well, then order it.

I want you to have what you like. Yeah, I'll find something. I'll get two of

those.

Okay, ready for order now? Not much time, huh? Tick -tock, tick -tock.

a question.

This devil's jewel, how spicy is that real? Not too hot. But it's hot. Not too

hot. What are you saying? It's hot. Not too hot. Not too hot.

Because I like hot.

Oh, it's hot. It's hot as hell.

Okay,

whatever.

We'll have that and some fried rice.

Yeah, and a version of soup for two. Also, the sliced duck and plum sauce.

Ooh, a lot of food. Hope you can eat fast.

Please, don't get into an argument with the maitre d'. It'll just take up our

time. Come on. I'm going to switch gears. Dana. I'm fine in that chair,

It doesn't bother me at all to be in that chair. Come on.

You'll see.

I'm just going to pull his hair up here a little closer, you see?

I'm little.

Sit right in here. Okay.

Jack.

Jack.

to talk to Mr. Chang. Mr. Chang? There's no Mr. Chang. We make that up.

Of course. I bet you think they're meant for coffee, too, huh?

I get the point. I get the point.

All right, look. Could you give us the menu again, please? We would like to

order some wine, all right? Okay, but not much time.

Earth not turning any slower, huh?

Okay, choose a wine. Anything you'd like.

Come on.

Okay.

Let's see which bottle comes with an IV.

You have any idea how sexy a sense of humor is?

Why, thank you, Jack.

You know, I can't believe these popular restaurants can get away without taking

credit cards. You know, you think it really hurts business.

What do you mean, no credit cards? What do you mean?

Well, it says right here we don't accept credit cards. Cash only.

Are you kidding? I was going to pay with a credit card.

I meant to stop at my cash machine on my way to pick you up, but there wasn't

any time.

What do you have in your purse?

Five dollars and a lipstick.

Five dollars?

You left the house with just five dollars? What if there's an emergency?

That's why I had a lipstick.

You have no idea how to live in this city.

Dick, this isn't my fault.

All right, I know. I'm sorry. You know, I just wanted this night to be so

perfect.

You are so adorable tonight.

You know, your eyes are just perfectly spaced.

They've always been like that.

You know, there's a bank with a cash machine right around the corner.

I'll be right back, okay?

Okay.

No, oh, no, no, no, no, no. You'll have to take that food back into the kitchen

and keep it warm. My friend had to go to his cash machine.

Maybe I should just put it in the take -out container right now, huh? Save

No, he'll be right back.

Skate -slinging.

Food's been here 20 minutes already.

We need lids. We don't have enough lids for everyone.

You porting lids.

What? Lids, lids.

We take lids off your food, put on other food.

Listen, you.

These lids are ours. We've paid for them, and we're going to keep them until

.30. You got that?

Sorry, lady. Time running out.

Oh, look. Here he comes.

Jack, where the hell have you been? What, did you get robbed or something?

Yes. What?

Dana. They got everything.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Did they hurt you? No, they got what they wanted. They

got my wallet, my cash, my credit cards, everything. I'm wiped out. I heard one

of them mention a back -to -school sale at Bloomingdale's, and then he ran off.

I don't believe this.

What are we going to do?

We've ordered a ton of food. I drank a half a bottle of wine.

Oh, dear. Excuse me, sir.

You're still here?

Sir, the most unfortunate thing has just happened. My friend here has been

robbed. At the automatic teller machine.

And we have no way to pay you. You see, now, I run a restaurant, and whenever

something like this happens to us, we just trust the customer to come back the

next day and pay in full, which they always do. So we're hoping that you're

going to trust us to come back and do the same. Because, I mean, really, you

know, when you think about it, aren't we all just guests at God's table?

Take the food away.

Lily, Lily, come on. They say they don't use their misty, but they do. They lie

and show.

Let's go. Let's go quietly. Come on. Hang on to your lids, people. You pay

them. You keep them. Almost out of here now. Come on. Dana, this now concludes

the exotic restaurant portion of our evening.

Oh, God.

So full of bone.

Goodbye, favorite pair.

I guess you just weren't meant to walk 29 blocks in the pouring rain.

Dana, what kind of cab ride do you expect for $5?

For $5, you get as far as 42nd Street, then you have to walk the rest of the

way. And as you can see, offering a tube of lipstick to a cabbie named Spike

didn't leave much of an impression.

Well, you could have used the $5 to take the subway if you weren't so...

And you know why we're so upset?

We're just putting too much pressure on this date to be perfect.

I mean, this is worse than New Year's Eve, for God's sakes.

You're right.

We're trying way too hard to impress each other.

I'll tell you what.

What do you say we start the date all over again?

Right. And from then on, it's just a... Okay?

Right.

You know, life's not perfect. No. Sometimes you get rained on.

You see the real person.

All wet and tussled and walletless.

Thanks for this, Jack. Well, you look a hell of a lot better in it than I do.

Mind if I get out of these wet things?

Think I could borrow your bathrobe?

Things are looking up already.

I'll be right back.

Jack? In the kitchen.

Oh.

So this is where the action is.

Yeah, I was mulling over the whole, you know, starving to death scenario. This

is what I came up with.

Jack Stein should cook dinner for Dana Palladino. My famous pasta marinara

sauce. Wow, wow. Now I am impressed nobody ever cooks for me.

This is good, Jack. This is good. Just us two.

No outside world getting away.

Oh, yeah.

What can I do to help you?

Nothing. You know what? I want you to sit right down there and relax, because

want to show off for you.

Okay?

Okay.

Well, at least I can chop the green pepper.

No, I don't put any green pepper in my sauce.

You don't? Nope, no green pepper.

Hate green pepper.

Well, then I'll chop the garlic for you. Oh, no. There's no garlic in Jack

Stein's famous pasta marinara sauce.

No garlic in your pasta sauce?

How can that be?

Just this, just this.

Jack, you can't make anything Italian without garlic. It's against our

Who's making the sauce, Dana?

You are.

Okay.

I thought maybe, you know, it could be improved.

Oh, maybe that's not the point. Maybe you should just enjoy the fact that, you

know, I'm doing something for you.

Okay? You're right.

You're right.

That's too much basil in there, Jack.

What? I'm helping. I'm helping. Can I help you? Maybe you learned something

Yeah, I don't want to learn anything new. I mean, this is how I am.

You know, no peppers, no garlic, and look at this.

Tomato sauce in the can.

This is the real Jack Stein. You know, just heat and serve.

You know, I think things might have gone better earlier when we were still at...

Acting like contestants on the dating game. Maybe we should try and go back to

that. All right, Dana, please take this in the right spirit when I ask you to

please get the hell out of my kitchen. You're not the only one who knows how to

do things right.

Okay. Fine.

But I think I would have asked the restaurant if they took credit cards.

Huh? That one little slip -up really bugged you, didn't it? I knew it. I knew

was just eating away at you all night. You bet it was.

But not nearly so much as the fact that your eyes are so damn symmetrical.

Oh, yeah?

Who leaves the house with just a $5 bill and a lipstick, huh?

Oh, here we go again. And who the hell takes 20 minutes to get robbed? What

you doing, waiting for a receipt?

Well, excuse me, but I took an extra few minutes to beg for my life.

Oh, Jack, forget it.

What are we doing?

This isn't working.

I know, I'm sorry. You know, this is my fault. No, no, it's not. It's not your

fault. It's nobody's fault.

It's... It's us.

We're not kids anymore.

We're too set in our ways.

Maybe the reason neither one of us ever had a good relationship is we don't know

how to make room for another person.

I guess maybe you're right.

But at least we found out pretty fast.

Saved ourselves years of pain and denial.

Then the whole thing only cost us $5.

You think we can still be friends?

I mean, you know, as much friends as we ever were.

You're the best sparring partner I ever had.

Well, I should go.

You mind if I wear this home?

Well, you can let me walk you down and put you in a cab.

Here, here's my laundry money.

This should get you home and also through a load of whites

Delivery

slip is still on it.

Oh god, that's not so good

Oh, they're probably having sex.

Well, hell with them. If they're having sex, they want a pizza, too.

What do you say?

Why not?

That's an illegal sublet. He's lucky I don't turn him in.

Come

right

this way.

Let me show my good friend to our best table.

And please.

Take your time, because here at Mr.

Spine's, our second seating doesn't begin until midnight.

How about a little music?

Good. I'll get plates. Okay.

Oh, I'm so hungry I could eat the box.

Oh, God.

It's covered in anchovies.

I bet you hate anchovies.

I mean, I'm always the only one who likes anchovies.

I always have anchovies.

Really?

My God.

Maybe it's a sign.

Italians are very big on signs.

Then I'm going to go out on a limb here, and it's a pretty big limb as limbs go.

But I gotta find something out.

What the hell?

There's something here, isn't there?

I think so.

Let's check again.

This isn't gonna be easy.

Maybe we should just be... Shut up and undress me.