Original subtitles

Oh, for God's sake, Ray, what did they teach you in that tax course you took?

You can't write down such a big, ugly number. No, that's too big. I don't want

to pay it. Nobody wants to pay tax, Nadine, but that's what we do here in

United States of America.

Ah,

and Charles did our taxes we never paid.

Yeah, and where is he now?

Dale.

Correctamente, yeah.

I'm doing you a big favor here. These forms are going to be clean as a

and you're not going to be paying any more tax than you have to.

Maybe you might even get a refund. Oh, yeah?

Then why didn't you deduct anything from my home office?

You don't have a home office, Mary. I do. I have one. There was a corner of my

room with paper pens and a chair where I sit for hours daydreaming, getting

nothing accomplished and wasting my life. If that does not qualify as an

I don't know what does.

Take the deduction, Ray. I'm sorry. The price of freedom does not come cheap.

$50 a month on pantyhose.

What the hell you do, Nadine? Put them over your head and knock off convenience

stores?

Never underestimate the power of a woman's legs, Abe.

Why do you think the businessmen pack this place for your dripping wet

Oh, dream on.

They come in here to run their beady little eyes up and down these scams.

good look.

These are money in the bank.

Man, what were you thinking, volunteering to do that taxes? That's a

mission. What about yours, Abe? You start them yet?

Maybe Ray here can help you. Oh, no, no, thank you. I need a trained

professional, someone who's going to make sure that the only thing I give the

Democrats money for is a pair of sweatpants for Clinton, so we won't have

look at those flabby thighs anymore.

You know, maybe you people should move to China, where you got to share a comb

with six people.

Let me make this very clear, my friend.

I am staying here, and I want a refund.

And I want it to be big.

You got that?

Everybody.

Coffee, please. Meg,

can I see you there for a second, please?

Sure.

Watch him like a hawk, Nadine.

What's up?

What's about this party at the paper on Sunday night?

Don't remind me. I'm working on some good excuses to get us out of it. My

favorite is the new laser hemorrhoid surgery with a two -day recovery period.

Isn't that brilliant?

No, Meg, I want to go to the party.

Why?

They're unveiling, you know, the restoration of that mural in the lobby.

sounds pretty interesting.

You've got to do better than that.

Look, all the proceeds go to charity.

Strike two.

All right, well, I was thinking about asking Dana to go with me. Uh -huh.

I knew it. So you're finally going to ask her out, huh? Look, it's not a date

like that.

I just know that she enjoys art, that's all.

Uh -huh.

And you know how the publisher's wife is always hitting on me? Maybe an

attractive woman in my arm will fend her off. Uh -huh. Look, this is a strictly

practical situation.

That's all it is.

So what do you think? You think she'd want to go with me?

If this date doesn't mean anything, why are you so nervous?

Who's nervous?

You're not nervous.

Does this shirt maybe look fat?

Well, I would just like to say right now that there is no way that God is a

woman because a woman would never deal you a cruel financial blow right during

the big January shoe sale.

If God were a woman, shoes would be on sale all year long.

What's wrong, dear?

Oh, I just got off the phone with the manager from my apartment building.

It's going co -op, which means if I don't buy it, I lose it.

And I just can't afford it right now.

Oh, wait a minute. You think it'll hit me up for a raise? Forget it. All my

money's going toward taxes to pay for Chapstick for Packwood and steel -toed

pumps for Janet Reno.

Now, wait a minute.

Wait a minute. I mean, they've got to be giving the tenants a special inside

price. Well, they are, but I still have to come up with a down payment of $15

,000. Whoa.

And I just don't have it right now.

Made a few bad investments, and then there was the vacation to Egypt, and

there was that collection of antique copper pots I had to have.

So how much more money do you actually need to buy the place?

$10 ,000.

Oh, wow.

I would borrow it from my father, but then he would feel free to entertain

there in the afternoon.

Maybe it's a sign.

Maybe it's time to move on.

This is the longest time I've ever stayed in one place, and I haven't

springtime in Florence, and I can't remember when. Oh, no, wait a minute.

listen to me, Danny. You can't pack your bags and go. There are a lot of people

here that would be upset. Maybe even I would.

Would what?

Would wonder where you went.

Thank you, Jack. That's sweet.

But the problem is, I just don't have the money.

Why don't you borrow it?

Oh, no. Oh, no.

Borrowing money is never a good idea.

Oh, come on, Danny. You're not going to stand in ceremony here because you're

too proud to ask a favor.

I mean, you could lose a great apartment.

Well, I know, but... Now, look, you know something? I have never done anything

like this in my life.

But I probably could swing it.

Aw, Jack, you're a mensch and a half, but we just started getting along.

I know that won't last, but why screw it up intentionally?

Look, I've been a saver all my life. I have the cash sitting in the bank doing

nothing. Look, let's make this a business arrangement.

I loan it to you, you pay it back with interest. It works out for both of us.

Well? Hold it. Here's a napkin.

Strike this baby up right now.

Oh, Jack. Now, wait, wait, wait.

Wait a second. Wait a second. I mean, what if something suddenly came up and

needed that money? You know, she's right. No, no, no, Jack. Think about it.

read those letters to the editor. If just one of your readers follows through

his threats against you, you could need expensive long -term nursing care. Just

think about that.

All right. Here is one contract.

Almost ready to sign. I, Jack Stein, will loan you, Dana Palladino, $10 ,000

be paid back in no longer than two years, and interest charge will be prime

one. Gee, sounds so simple. It is. I'm just going to sign it, and it's your

turn.

Well... I've been doing a little number crunching here, Dana, and just so you

know, $10 ,000 with 24 months.

At prime plus one, that would make your monthly payment $276 ,000.

I'm a little off here. Hang on just a second.

Oh, Ray.

This is great. This is very reassuring.

Okay. Here is your check.

Congratulations on becoming a homeowner, partner.

Guess we have a deal.

Thank you, Jack.

Thank you so much. All right.

Well, I can't believe I'm going to own my own apartment.

Well, I guess you better get back to work in that kitchen.

I sure wouldn't want to lose my job, being as I owe you $10 ,000.

Well, well, well.

I'm feeling pretty damn good.

Something like knowing you've, you know, helped somebody to achieve their dream?

Oh, that's one way of looking at it.

The other is, you're a damn fool, man.

It could be a dangerous situation, but it doesn't have to be. I mean, this loan

is a business arrangement, and Jack and I signed a contract that should keep it

from getting personal.

Dana, you now owe money to Jack Stein.

It's going to change everything between you. Every time you see him, you'll have

to say something pleasant.

Now, do you know what kind of living hell that could be?

Jack is going to expect things.

What things?

Things.

Oh, for God's sake.

I speak from experience.

If I ever went over budget on the grocery bill, somehow I'd feel obligated

make it up to Charles.

And if I ever went a little wild at Bloomy's, that night I'd screw the red

bulb into the Laura Ashley lamp, and it was never mentioned again.

Hi. Here comes the collection agency.

Want me to stick around and stir something while you make your first

Can I see you for a minute, Dana? Uh, sure.

There's something I want to ask you. Oh, what is it?

Well, there's this charity thing at the paper on Sunday night, and they're

unveiling this mural in the lobby.

It's, you know, it's a pretty big deal, and, you know, I know that you like art.

I was wondering if maybe you wanted to go with me.

Oh. Oh, but I understand you can't go, because, you know, it's like last

you know. Well, actually, I do have plans for Sunday night. I have to get to

ballet. Oh, the ballet. Okay.

Some other time.

Yeah, that would be great.

I guess you get invited to a lot of mural restorations.

I can see why you'd want to watch men in tights, you know, throw around anorexic

women.

I mean, that's fun, too.

Well, maybe I could go to the ballet another time.

I mean, it's just the Bolshoi.

I'm sure that I could find somebody to take the ticket. Are you sure? I don't

want you to feel obligated.

Obligated? Why would I feel obligated? No reason. No reason at all.

Well, all right, then. Sunday night.

Sunday night it is. Yeah, great.

Good.

Oh, Jack, thanks again for that loan.

What? The loan?

I forgot all about that.

Oh, this is a really beautiful building. I've never been in here before.

Oh, the mural is just spectacular, Jack. You're right.

Can I take your coat?

Sure. Oh, wow, you look great.

Oh, thanks.

I didn't have anything to be right to wear tonight, so I went and bought this

day. Glad you like it. Oh, I do.

As my dad used to say, it's very snazzy.

It looks like really a nice party.

Yeah.

So you bought that today, huh? Uh -huh.

Yeah, I saw it in a window of a little boutique right there in my neighborhood,

and just as soon as I saw it, I...

But it was on sale. I got it for a really good price.

Please, Dana, you're not giving me a financial report.

Look, I lent you $10 ,000 because I wanted to. No questions asked, okay?

Okay.

Besides, if you default, you know, I'll sue you.

Hell, I could evict you.

I'm kidding. It's a joke. Oh.

Come on, let's get something to drink. All right. What do you want? Oh, a white

wine. A white wine and a beer, please. Of course, sir.

That'll be... $6 to benefit the New York Artists League. Let me get there.

No, no.

I invited you. No, no, really.

Let this be my treat. Dana, you're my guest.

I want to pay.

Why? Because.

Dana, are you thinking about the loan?

Look, the fact that I wrote you a check for $10 ,000 is a whole separate issue

here. So forget about it. I have.

Okay, okay.

Oh, there's somebody I want you to meet.

Elizabeth. Jack, hi.

Well... Oh, look at us and all our fancy clothes.

You know, I was sorry to hear that Meg couldn't make it. I didn't know they

could do that with lasers.

Yeah, she's going to be fine in a couple of days.

Elizabeth Harper, I'd like you to meet Dana Palladino. Hi, nice to meet you.

Elizabeth is the finance editor at the paper.

Dana just took a pretty big step this week. She decided to buy her apartment.

Well... Oh, congratulations.

And I'm sure you're getting an insider price, which is often well below market

value. How much are you putting down?

Well, actually, that's interesting because I didn't have all the money for

down payment, so I borrowed some of it from a friend. And I think that's going

to work out well for both of us.

Wait just a sec, though. Did you read my book?

No. Well, you should have.

I devoted an entire chapter to the dangers of interpersonal lending

I called it the bonehead syndrome.

All right, look, Elizabeth, we all know the rules, but Dana and I, we're both,

you know, rule breakers. And I'm sure we're not going to wind up hating each

other over this money.

Oh, you borrowed money from him?

Well, I didn't want to lose the apartment and the insider prize. I mean,

do anything to get that, right?

Oh, God, not anything. How much did you borrow?

$10 ,000.

Oh, sweet mother of God. You two are in for it. In for it. It was nice talking

to you, Liz. People have shot each other over last week. Okay, we have got to

go, okay? Shot each other dead. All right, Liz.

Nice to meet you. You think how rigid people are? No, really.

I mean, I can't see this all that big of a deal. I mean, it's just money.

Never been that big of a priority to me.

What do you mean?

Well, you know, I mean, to be honest.

just never cared about it. I mean, most of the time, I don't even know how much

I have in my checking account. I mean, unless they send me a notice that I'm

overdrawn.

And then, you know, I just stop spending money until more comes in.

It's really good.

Dana, how can you not know where your money is? I mean, you have to keep track

of money.

I mean, it's important.

It's money.

Yeah, I know, but it's such a hassle.

Like with the credit cards.

What about the credit cards?

Oh, you know how it is, like when you go in a store sometimes and they

confiscate your car and just cut it up right in front of you. It's so

theatrical.

Oh, but Jack, you know, I take your loan very seriously. I'm going to pay you

back on time every month. You'll see, I promise.

Dana, will you stop this, please? Okay, I know that.

That's why I lent you $10 ,000.

And sure, $10 ,000 is a lot of money, a lot of money.

But I trust you.

Why, Jack!

Jack's dying.

Oh. Where have you been hiding, you little devil? Hi, Mrs. Van Adams.

Where's Mr. Van Adams?

My boss? Your husband?

No, I don't know.

All talking business with some poorly dressed reporters who are stuffing free

shrimp in their pocket.

They're not like you, Jack.

You're different.

No, I'm not.

You'd be surprised how many shrimp -stained sports coats I have in my

I'd love to take a look sometime.

You seem to be alone tonight.

Oh, no, no. I'm with someone.

Where is she? Where in the hell is she?

You're wearing Old Spice.

Did you do that to torment me?

You haven't lived until you have skied the Canadian Bugaboos.

Every March, my wife and I go up with a group of about 20 skiing nuts.

Oh, it is wild.

You're welcome to join us.

Oh, well, thanks. I haven't skied in so long. I love that.

Dana, I see you've met Howard Van Adams, my publisher, and his lovely wife,

Margo. Oh, hi. So nice to meet you, Dana Palladino.

You guys talking about skiing, huh?

It's a pretty pricey sport, isn't it?

Yeah, it is, but it's worth it. I mean, when you're up there in that crystal

clear air and you got your skis pointing down that mountain, boy, it's just

about the closest thing to flying.

Or when they wax the floors in the editorial department.

Get the same sensation for free.

You gotta think about these things when you're on a budget.

Yes, that's right.

Jack said you bought your own apartment.

Pretty nice loan he gave you, 10 ,000 macaroos.

Oh, he told you that, didn't he?

Actually, how that happened, I mean, you know, the way that that came about was,

well, Howard here had asked me for a donation to the Artist League, and I

him that this year I just couldn't swing it. So you're saying you're short on

cash, huh?

Interesting.

Margot, is it time you started the auction?

Lovely meeting you, Dana.

Oh, and Jack, I know a lot of creative ways to raise money.

Let's talk later.

Let's go, Margot.

Well, that was entertaining.

What do you do, Jack? Just go around announcing that you've loaned me this

month? I mean, why don't you just put my picture on a tin cup and send the

children around the neighborhood to collect for me?

All right.

So I told a couple of people. I couldn't help it. I was proud of myself. You

know, I've never been able to help anybody like that.

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to upset you. I was wrong.

All right, maybe I'm being overly sensitive about it.

You know, it's just that the worst part is we saw the biggest, oldest trap in

the world and we walked right into it. Can you believe it?

Excuse me, everyone. May I have your attention, please?

Now, I trust everyone is enjoying the breathtaking restoration of the Cleo

Wilkins mural.

It is now my great pleasure to tell you that we have also procured several other

important works by Wilkins, which we will auction off now with the proceeds

going to the New York Artist League.

Oh, I love this painting.

Oh, look at the composition and the lines.

and the unusual palate.

Aren't those guys a little chubby?

Now, we start the bidding at $1 ,000.

We have $1 ,000.

Do we have $1 ,100?

Yes. Do we have $1 ,200?

$1 ,200? Do I have $1 ,300?

Jack, I have to have this painting. What do you mean you have to have it? That's

a lot of money.

Jack, this is art, and it's art. You have to act with your heart, not your

Do we have $3 ,000?

$3 ,000.

$3 ,000 for that?

Why are they dancing around?

Did they just find a Twinkie?

$3 ,500?

Ooh. How about $4 ,000?

$4 ,000! Dana, you can't do this.

Why, Jack? Because it's money I'm supposed to be using to pay you back?

you back, but I just gotta have this baby.

You know what, Dana? You have no respect for money at all.

You're in the hole, and you're buying something called three babes in search

a stairmaster.

Jack, the problem with you is you're just too uptight about money. My money's

be spent to bring pleasure. I mean, for God's sake, we could all die tomorrow.

Yes, we could.

But what if we live? Then we're screwed.

The fee now stands at $4 ,500.

Who bid $5 ,000?

Going once for $5 ,000.

Twice for $5 ,000.

Sold for $5 ,000.

To the woman Jack signed just loaned $10 ,000 to.

Oh, no, no, this can't be. This has got to be wrong. I have never paid this much

tax. What, is the entire country now Abe Johnson's personal responsibility?

Abe, I know it is hard to see the big picture, but that money is going to

new roads and schools, and it's for keeping the flame of democracy burning

bright throughout the world.

None of us like the idea of having less money, but it's our duty to pay what we

owe. And though we as employees can expect a refund, while you as a business

owner can expect to pay through the nose,

You've got to remember, it's because the burden of taxes is finally being spread

evenly and fairly by Mr. Clinton.

Oh, Bob, don't forgive us, for we knew not what we did.

All right, here's the man of the hour we've been waiting for you, Ray. Let me

just say, I'm extremely proud of the job I've done for you ladies.

May I point out that your tax preparer is particularly fond of full house

cookies and back rubs.

Let me see how much we're getting back.

Come on, come on. Mama needs a new pair of Aspadrilles.

All right!

1 ,700 bucks!

Yes, I beat you! I beat you to cheese! Oh, what? Now I can get that mini -eye

lift I've been dreaming of.

Excuse me.

Those aren't refunds. That's how much you have to pay.

What? No!

Are you kidding me? A new tag cloth kicked in last year. They didn't deduct

enough from your paychecks.

Believe me, it could have been a lot worse.

The money's just going down some rat hole.

Ghouls, road cops, please.

Ray, there's nothing left to do but to turn on you.

Okay,

Dana, where is it?

No painting hanging on the wall?

You're not planning on putting that out in the restaurant, are you? Because

that's got a picture people tack up on their refrigerators to keep them from

grabbing an extra piece of cake.

No, Jack, I am not hanging the painting in the restaurant.

Or in my home or anywhere.

I sold it.

What? I sold it.

I have connections in the art world. It was a very valuable piece that I got for

a steal.

I doubled my money.

Are you serious?

Jack, I'm not a kid.

Yes, I'm impulsive with money, but I'm not a plague. When I say I'm going to do

something, I do it. Like pay you back.

Here. What's this?

The money I owe you.

Dana, you didn't have to do this.

Yes, I did.

I had to. I wanted to.

Take the money, Jack.

It's important to me to clear this up between us.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

Okay.

I'll just go mark the napkin paid in full.

You need the credit reference. You know where to find me.

Thanks.

Something wrong, Jack?

No, nothing.

Nothing at all.

Yeah, there is something.

Did you go out with me last night because you wanted to be with me or

you felt obligated by this loan?

Why don't you ask me if I want to have dinner with you next weekend, huh?

Go ahead.

Ask me.

You want to go out for dinner with me next weekend? I'd love to.

Really?

That's great.

So we'll go to dinner, just you and me, huh?

Yeah.

That's great.

No money talk. Oh, no. No.

Definitely no money talk.

Money's off the list. We don't fight over the check. No. No. We'll leave

paying.

Um, so, great to see you Sunday night.

Okay.

That sounds good.

Oh, Jack, one more thing.

I wouldn't cash that check for at least a week.